


Chaos

by Hichanchen, Smut_Hemingway



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Art, Asperger Syndrome, Autism, Autistic meltdowns, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, CEO Chae Hyungwon, Changkyun is a fully tattooed power bottom, Complete, Crack, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Hoseok has anger management issues, Hoseok tells people to go away but no one ever listens, Hoseok’s weak spot is his dick, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon enjoys screaming, M/M, Schroedinger's Socks, Shownu is straight, Shownu is surrounded by gay, Slow Burn, Smut, Tattoo Artist Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, art metaphors, because real life is crack, dealing with someone who’s different, scientifically accurate, the tension is no joke, this fic is about touching hair, we always finish our fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-03-21 06:26:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 265,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13735065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smut_Hemingway/pseuds/Smut_Hemingway
Summary: They've met once, in a surreal atmosphere, being next to each other and sharing something special.Hoseok is a tattoo artist, loving modern art and working in his own tattoo studio with his best friend Hyunwoo. A sudden visit from a company representative, meeting a previous lover and encountering the most interesting person he has ever met, brings chaos into his life, forcing him to question previous world views while scaring and exciting him at the same time.Hyungwon is the CEO of an independent fashion brand, focusing on individual artistic expression and freelancer collaborations. A previous meeting, the permanent mark it left and the unquenchable desire to understand, force him to abandon the carefully designed and constructed order of life he has developed for himself, thereby drowning in chaos and yearning for someone that turns order into dust.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> **NEWS:** We have completely overworked Chaos and the updated version is available as an **EBOOK** : [Here.](https://payhip.com/b/JA03)  
> However, it will not be updated on AO3 due to the amount of work it would take to adjust the format.
> 
> Dear readers,
> 
> we are back at it again and have brought you another work. Just as with the previous one we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!
> 
> Hichanchen:  
> What is rather different about Chaos is that Hyungwon is on the Autism Spectrum and therefore might show behaviours and thought patterns that aren't immediately comprehensible without further explanations. I hope that through describing situations from his perspective it will become more apparent and understandable. As I am in the Autism Spectrum myself in addition to being an autism researcher, it is a rather personal story with the way I have portrayed Hyungwon's thoughts, beliefs and behaviours. I hope it will give you further insight into the condition.
> 
> Smut_Hemingway:  
> It was very important for me to portray a different way we deal with differences in behaviour and perception in other people in our daily lives. Uncommon behaviors and reactions can be very hard and frustrating to deal with. Hoseok's character is very personal this time as a lot of experiences in dealing with my own relatives (I have three Asperger autists in my family, including @Hichanchen) integrated into the way my character behaves.  
> I hope to show you a different perspective.
> 
>  
> 
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more :)
> 
>  **ALSO:** For those of you who have been readers for along time, or maybe those who read one work and would love to have it on their bookshelf:  
>  As there have been a lot of requests we have finally created **hard-cover versions** of our books that we ship **worldwide.**  
>  For those of you who are interested, you can find all the information and the ordering form [HERE.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScsezURxqsNaBokxU_nXoiN7sWPeBWVpRZHSgdUSyU7AwIjpA/viewform?c=0&w=1)  
>   
> We write one character each,  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk+Jin+Kyungsoo) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Shownu+Changkyun)  
>   
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> [@Hichanchen](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [@Smut_Hemingway](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)
> 
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

The lines appeared on the thin paper like intruders, staining the white and showing it’s vulnerable characteristics, just a soft pressure of the black pen sufficient to destroy the previous state but also to create something new on top of it, change inevitable and irreversible.  
  
It felt like the first time in months that he drew on real paper and not on his pad, not transferring a design but creating something out of his mind, something that he wanted to stain a real piece of paper with, something that showed him what it was all about. The pen could do it. Spilling a chaos of lines that intertwined, flew along each other, stopped at the next line, dots connected and created a picture.  
  
A whale, lonely but free.  
  
More lines appeared, going in circles, creating a mass that looked like a cut through a tree. A lot of annual-rings connecting to a beautiful pattern. Wood and a whale seemed very heavy so his hand moved forward, striving for something light, weightless, a feather.  
  
_Water, earth and air. The only things you need._  
  
_And freedom._  
  
He finished drawing out the details, the whole sheet full of lines and spots, almost no space between them, drowning in the black ink. He was jealous of the ink, able to leave a permanent stain over every surface, not caring about the impact and just extending all over.  
  
He looked at the white clock hanging on the wall, 3AM. It was time to go home, but his insomnia said hello again and he stayed even after Shownu had left, working at his desk and drawing like a mental person.  
  
_You won’t be able to hold the machine like that if you don’t sleep. You have the whole fucking day booked tomorrow._  
  
Not sleeping was disadvantageous, but being fully booked on the other hand was amazing. Bookings meant money and money meant being able to do what he liked without giving a single shit about anything. Money was freedom for him, especially after opening the studio and being forced to pay rent and materials. He put the drawing on the table and went over to the coffee machine. Drinking an espresso at 3AM was nothing special for him.  
  
The rain clashed onto the sidewalk, echoing in his ears and making him hate the english weather, but sunny days were too boring weren’t they? There was nothing better than to get soaked in cold, smelly water, while walking home at dawn, freezing down to your bones and hating everyone and everything and the idiotic fashion choices one had made in the morning, thinking it would be different this time.  
  
_It’s not this time. It’s every fucking time._  
  
The espresso disappeared in one go and he decided to look over his bookings to get all the drafts ready in the rare case that he wanted to sleep a little longer.

The small arrangement of bells attached to his entrance door chimed. Someone had entered the studio although it was closed. Shownu must have forgotten to close the door again. He sincerely hoped it wasn't some drunk hobo he had to throw out although he didn't like doing things like that.

The figure was completely covered in a coat and a huge scarf which were both soaked, thick drops hitting the black shoe mat. Unbothered and evidently also unaware of the fact that the studio was closed the person just took off the scarf, placing it on the improvised coat check, closely followed by the black coat and eventually the soft rubbing of his fancy shoes against the rough texture of the foot mat. The thick layers of winter wear revealed a young guy, tall but thin, clad in dark-blue suit pants and a wood coloured shirt, no tie.

As if his presence was of no interest to the stranger, the man just walked over to the table where he had been drawing and stared, eyes quickly hushing over the single artwork and a smile on his lips. His blonde hair was styled up but the night must have been long, some of the strands giving up and falling on his forehead. He was handsome, big eyes, plump lips, the usual handsome boy aesthetics.

“I want this,” the man said suddenly, voice low and stern as he looked over to him.  
  
“Congrats, but it’s closed. It’s 3AM and it’s a private drawing.” Hoseok looked up in disbelief. The guy must’ve been high or something, walking in like that and demanding things. Taking another look at the drawing before turning back to Hoseok the other man showed a lopsided grin. He must’ve thought that the whole situation was funny, which it wasn’t.

“But you are here and so am I. So why shouldn't it be possible for you to tattoo me?” The smile turned to confusion and the other pointed at Hoseok. “You’re a tattooist, aren't you?”  
  
“Well, duh captain obvious. Simultaneous existence in time and space doesn’t mean anything. Why do you want a tattoo at 3AM? And this is my drawing, not a draft. Moreover, it’ll take three hours getting that under your skin.” Hoseok might have been slightly sleep deprived but the figure in front of him seemed more confused. The gaze wavered a little before the other man pointed at the drawing with an unusually long index finger.

“I want a tattoo at 3AM because that is the time at which I happened to see your drawing. Therefore it is unfortunately this late...or early. Either way I really need this tattoo and since I can pay and you seem to have the skill I don’t see the problem. Can’t you make it a draft? I really need this,” the man elaborated and seemed more desperate the longer he talked, looking at the drawing regularly as if it was magical or some shit.  
  
“It’s expensive though. Draft will take ten minutes as I have to scan it and set up the machine. You’re not drunk or on drugs right? I can’t tattoo drunk people.” Money was money and if the guy was willing to pay 1200 pounds for a tattoo then so be it.

The slim facial features softened significantly as the other guy seemed genuinely happy about his response. He nodded before taking a look around the studio for the first time, focusing on some of the drafts he had hanging on the walls.

“Whatever you want, I’ll pay double. It just needs to be this one. Do I seem drunk to you? I’ve never thought clearer so I wouldn’t worry about that,” he replied without looking at him, loosening the first button of his shirt.  
  
“You seem weird as fuck to me, but who of us isn’t so scratch that. Double? Boy, that tattoo will be 1200 pounds, are you sure you have the cash? It’s late and I don’t want to be greedy, but money is the only reason I’m doing it right now.” Hoseok stood up and scanned the draft, looking over the expensively dressed person next to him, before looking at the piece of paper again. “And it’s an intimate drawing so you better treat it with dignity. Oh and don’t forget to show off to your ladies and tell them where to get their next tattoo.” He chuckled and went back to the pc to adjust the lines and print the draft.

His uninvited guest just stood in the middle of the room, watching him and sometimes glancing around the studio.

“2,4k is fine with me as long as you make sure it looks just like that drawing. I have no other requests.” He glanced at the drafts on his table again. “I can tell it is an intimate drawing, that’s why I want it. Those aren’t the same, at all.”  
  
_Bitch, 2,4k is almost your rent for a month Hoseok. Fuck, why are you so fucking lucky?_  
  
He shifted a little at the thought of having all that money just from working for three hours.  
  
“Sure. People mostly want something they like and not something I create. Need to develop that I guess.” He smiled a little bitterly. But damn, he had his own studio and that handsome dude wanted his drawing so he was going to do his best and get that money.  
  
“Where? Where do you want it?” Hoseok eyed the other from head to toe, hoping it was not the butt or something else triggering. The other looked a little surprised and took another glance at the drawing.

“To be honest that is not really relevant as long as it is there. Where would you suggest?”  
  
“Take your shirt off.” He walked over to the guy and pointed at the useless elegant stuff he was wearing. Apparently he was a little weird but not shy, just nodding and immediately unbuttoning his shirt before placing it on top of his coat. He had a thin frame, but his body was lean. Hoseok really liked the skin color and the fact that he was absolutely free of any tattoos or scars.  
  
_It’s not the time for being gay for your client Hoseok. Just find the perfect spot._  
  
He walked around, touching the skin of arms and back to get a feeling for the thickness and receptivity, fine lines of his drawing were really hard to realize on thick parts. It was decided in a matter of seconds, the upper arm and part of the shoulder, the collarbone would’ve looked amazing with the contrast.

“I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t touch me too much since I am gay and actually only here to get a tattoo,” the other guy said quietly but with a smile, catching him off guard.  
  
Hoseok started laughing like a maniac, bending in half and trying to catch his breath. What kind of ill fate was that? Gay, handsome guy coming into his studio at 3AM wanting a tattoo but not wanting to be touched.  
  
“I have to touch you, you weirdo. I need to see your skin condition to determine the perfect spot. You don’t have tattoos do you?” He grinned at the guy in front of him.

“I know, but preferably with a needle and not your hands. No, I do not have tattoos. I can also not promote your tattooing because nobody I know has tattoos and I have no interest in girls as I told you. But I will appreciate it myself when it is done,” the blonde answered and looked to the ceiling as if that made Hoseok’s examination easier for him, breathing calmly.  
  
“You will miss my hands after you’re an hour into the inking, believe me. But you don’t need to promote it and yeah gay high five. I really need to touch your arm though, also while tattooing.” He took the cream for transfering the draft and smeared it over the arm and shoulder softly. Maybe the guy had some skin sensitivity or other weird shit. However Hoseok just hoped it wasn’t anything contagious.  
  
“I’m fine with everything as long as I know in advance. Just tell me and it won’t matter much. Pain is also fine with me,” the low voice answered again, still quiet. “What do you mean by gay high five? Is that when you draw a rainbow with your fingers or some similar shit?”  
  
“I’m also gay you dumba- . Either way, it will be the upper arm and shoulder. Wale on the left, annual rings in the middle, feather on the right. Understood? I’ll transfer the draft so you better keep unmoving.” He pointed at the tattoo table so the weird person could sit down. Remembering the important shit he ran to his printer and grabbed the informed consent he had printed. He couldn’t afford getting sued one month after opening his studio only because some strange person decided to get a 2,4k tattoo in the middle of the night and he complied being greedy for money.  
  
“You, what’s your name? You have to read and sign this before I can do anything.” Hoseok handed him the consent form and a pen. Without hesitation the guy sat down on the tattoo table and took his time reading the form, it looked as if he genuinely went from line to line with his eyes before he finally grabbed the pen and placed his signature at the bottom. After clicking the pen and placing it on the table with the form he sat down more comfortably.

“All fine with me. Can we start?”  
  
_Yeah, only that you’ll have to apply the creme again because of all the consent shit. When will you start being professional for fuck’s sake?_  
  
“We will need more cream because of the scale of the draft.” Hoseok exhaled and took a seat on his chair right next to the half naked man, looking up and remembering the sensitivity thing. “I will apply more creme now, kay?”  
  
“Yeah, although I don’t understand why because you did it in an equal layer all over,” the other answered and seemed a little in thought. “I’m Hyungwon by the way. Sorry.”  
  
“Hi Hyungwon, I’m Hoseok. You took so long to read the consent that the shit evaporated and we need a new layer or I won’t see shit and accidentally tattoo a dick on your arm, so please bear with it.” It was almost four in the morning for fuck’s sake. He had the feeling the 2,4k needed to be earned, pound after pound.

“Whatever you say, Hoseok. Just do it.”  
  
Well thank god. He put the drawings on, one by one and removed the draft, thin blue lines the only thing remaining on the other man’s golden skin.  
  
_Be happy you don’t have time to thirst because he’s so fucking weird._  
  
The cream dried and he had prepared the machine, pouring ink in little containers, taping them to the armrest. The machine felt heavy in his hand, not surprising considering the time of night and the fact that he had tattooed till late in the evening, but it was a little different this time, the way his own drawing looked on the golden skin had something magical, it felt somehow special.  
  
“I really like your hair,” the other suddenly commented out of nowhere again, watching him work. “It’s kind of refreshing. Like one will go beyond the here and now if one runs one’s fingers through it.”  
  
Hoseok stared at him, needle already in the machine and ready to start. He wanted to tell the other to stop bullshitting and shut up because it was late but the comparison didn’t let him.  
  
“Why did you say that?” He kept staring at the big brown eyes, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. Hyungwon seemed a little surprised by the question and looked in thought for a few seconds before he nodded at Hoseok and sat up straighter.

“Have you been to the sea Hoseok? I personally have and feel that it has this tendency to create a dissonance between the current reality and the time point when you are there. Like an invisible line. Don’t know if that makes sense to you. Either way I like that feeling and your hair reminds me of it. Which is why I like your hair. A lot. Like waves.”  
  
“I live in London. It’s basically at the sea so yes, grey, raining and ships all over the place. You mean the blue hair ends? My hairdresser said it would look good and I complied. It looks ok. The way you talk makes me want to drink a bottle of gin, but I can’t because I have to tattoo this unnecessarily complicated drawing I created on your skin.” He exhaled hoping to live through this night without losing his mind. “Ready for the pain?” He started the machine and a familiar vibrating buzzing filled the studio.

“I like the sound of the machine. I am sorry though, I am not sorry about you having to tattoo the drawing because I wasn’t joking about needing it,” Hyungwon replied as he watched Hoseok’s hands with curiosity. “Have you ever been unable to draw?”  
  
“Yes. But you’re lucky you came here at 3AM while being rich and finding me sleep deprived and greedy. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. No fucking way.” He sighed and worked himself through the annual-rings, the complicated part because it was only lines, his eyes hurt from looking already.

“I’m sorry after all. You look tired, but please understand that it had personal importance for me,” the other man said quietly as he closed his eyes, relaxing and losing the tension he had apparently kept up for the past half an hour.  
  
“You know that sounds like bullshit right? Why would you need something you saw for like a whole three seconds? Isn’t that a little impulsive?” Hoseok didn’t understand how the fuck Mr. Hyungwon decided to get a huge as fuck tattoo in the middle of the night walking through disgusting rain and stopping at Hoseok’s studio, saying the thing he drew two minutes ago was exactly what he needed. Yeah right.  
  
The other laughed loudly, but tried to keep his body still, thankfully.

“I am everything but impulsive. Let’s just say I had something bothering me and I kind of knew what the solution was implicitly but it became physical when I saw your drawing. It just had everything in it and I want it as a reminder,” he answered eventually, eyes closed again and left hand drawing a pattern on his thigh.  
  
“You could’ve written a memo. You look like someone who likes writing memos and promoting synergy and all that crap. You know that it stays forever right? I mean, now it’s too late anyway.” He finished the middle ring before dipping the needle into the black ink again.

“Words mean nothing to me,” Hyungwon replied and breathed out slowly, eyes opening and watching Hoseok’s hands. “You’re good at this, very precise. Also you didn’t answer my question on whether you aren’t able to draw sometimes.”  
  
“I did answer, you just didn’t listen probably. I said yes. And thank you, I really like working precisely, creating things nobody else does. It gives me the feeling of freedom.” It was strange that he started talking so honestly to a client, but the weirdness gave him a feeling that he could do anything and he liked it.

“Hmph, that’s why you drew the feather. That’s what it means isn’t it? Among other things.” The brown eyes focused on him but Hoseok was busy doing the outline of the wood and ignored it. “Thank you for complying with tattooing it for me. I don’t really agree that creating can give you freedom though. At least not for me.”  
  
“I drew the feather because everything else was so heavy and pinning me to the ground or forcing me under the water. You don’t need to understand and you pay me so I tattoo it. Watch me regret it tomorrow.” He finished the middle piece and started the whale, needle dipping into the ink repeatedly, buzzing filling the space. “You create too? What? Memos? Or some product?” The dude looked like some rich son from a company owner, spoiled with inconsequential education.

“I draw,” was the answer, fingers of the left hand still trailing patterns in the corner of Hoseok’s eye. “Or rather I drew I guess.”  
  
_Hm, so he draws. But he could also draw bullshit and think it’s art._  
  
“You draw? What? Why did you stop?” The whale started taking up shape, black ink forcing itself into the blue outlines of the draft mercilessly. Just like Hoseok liked it. The pain endurance was admirable. The handsome man didn’t even flinch although they were already one hour into the session.

“I didn’t want to stop but I just have so many other things to be responsible for that I didn’t have the time to draw and when I tried today I couldn’t express myself. So I am pretty sure I have to say it in past tense. I drew. I painted.” The other sounded devastated although his face remained the same as far as Hoseok could tell, features relaxed, but voice restless.  
  
“You know what’s the best about life? It never stays as it is. Everything moves on, you do and the surroundings do. You’ll be able to do it sooner or later, maybe in a crazy devastating situation, or just like that. Just keep trying.” Hoseok knew exactly what the other man talked about. It was the first time after a month to draw something, and Hyungwon wanted to have it on his skin. He couldn’t help but feel close to the weird guy. It was late, it really was.  
  
The low chuckle was sudden.

“Too bad that changes are the things that fuck me over,” the other muttered, brushing through his blonde hair with his left hand before resuming the constant creation of patterns. “It just seems like I need art to breathe, so it’s like I’m suffocating. Seeing your drawing today was the first time I felt like I actually inhaled oxygen.” Hoseok dipped the needle into the ink although he didn’t need to, there was enough from the last time. He stared up, trying to figure out what the strangely intimate words meant before remembering that words had meant nothing to his client. That was what he had said.  
  
“You make me genuinely curious about the things you create. I want to see them.” He thought a little before just speaking his mind without any further monitoring. “Let’s make it 1,5k and you leave me a small drawing before you go.” Hoseok smiled for no fucking reason. Sleep deprivation was a scary thing. His client was obviously unsure, not really looking at his face, but his hair instead as he nibbled on his lower lip.

“I could try but I told you that I cannot draw anymore. I tried already and nothing appeared on the paper. Keep it with the 2,4k because it might not work. But I’ll try, because I am genuinely thankful for your drawing.”  
  
“Want to have a dick on your arm? No? You better leave me a drawing then. If your hand can move then the pen can move too. Simple as that,” Hoseok huffed and a wide smile spread Hyungwon’s lips before he laughed shortly.

“That sounds so easy. Who knows, maybe it’ll be easier to appeal to fellow gay man with a penis on my arm. I might need less words to get my point across.” The other was still chuckling and brushed some of the fallen bangs from his eyes.  
  
_Shit he’s hot Hoseok._  
  
But he was also weird and Hoseok had to tattoo this fucking complexity that was his own damn drawing, sleep deprived and kind of delirious at 5AM in his studio.  
  
“I don’t think you have a problem with appealing. You look handsome and rich and are pretty straightforward, so I guess you wouldn’t have to worry. Just draw me something before leaving.” He tried to concentrate on the lines, but the chest rising and sinking right next to the arm took his attention more than once.

“I find you more attractive, but that’s obvious because you aren’t me so there is no reason for me to find myself more attractive than someone else. That would be strange. Sorry that I am so confusing, my thoughts are less structured than usually. You are beautiful either way. I still love your hair,” Hyungwon babbled and looked at the ceiling again, smile remaining on his lips as if he disagreed with Hoseok’s conclusion, but decided not to remark on it. “I will try to draw something for you though. Promise.”  
  
_Oh god. What the fuck is this situation? Why is he complimenting you all the time?_  
  
He dipped the needle into the ink. At this rate he could’ve just left the fucking needle there. This Hyungwon person really didn’t go well with insomnia, overworking and being gay. Hoseok looked up to gaze over the other man’s features once again. He honestly looked like a model, huge eyes, perfect nose, big, plump lips and blonde hair falling slightly over the forehead. He was hot, very hot.  
  
“Thank you very much for loving my hair and for drawing for me. And now I’ll finish up the feather.” He took a tissue and wiped the excess ink from the arm, soaking another tissue in warm water and sliding over his drawing on the golden skin, also slightly reddish because of the inking.

“This already looks breath-taking although the drawing is the one thing that made me breathe. Ironic actually,” the blonde commented and removed his gaze from the ceiling, glancing at the way Hoseok took care of his skin. “I’m less disturbed by the way you touch me because you are hot, even if it’s sudden.”  
  
Hoseok couldn’t help but stop in the middle of cleaning the skin and stared up, trying to figure where all of this was going, his fingers still around the other man’s arm.

“Please continue. It’s late and I’m stealing your sleep already.”  
  
“Sure, if you stop confusing me with compliments.” He wiped the rest of the excess ink and dipped the needle in to continue with the feather.

“Why aren’t you sleeping actually? I am thankful that you aren’t but I can’t help but feel curious. About my compliments, does the truth make you uncomfortable?” Hyungwon had a strange way of expressing himself, asking a lot of questions and talking as if he was thinking aloud. He shifted a little in the time Hoseok’s needle left his skin for a few seconds and resumed drawing patterns on his thigh.  
  
“Need a break?” Hoseok asked removing the needle. The other man was already pretty good at taking the pain, but the almost two hours without break were extraordinary, even for people who got inked on a regular basis.

“My muscles are just tense from not moving. I’m trying to stay still and keeping your muscles contracted most of the time is pretty exhausting. In addition it’s late, so I am obviously tired. But it’s okay. I can sit through the rest.” The voice was a little lower than before, probably indeed a sign of the increasing tiredness.  
  
“Lie down.” Hoseok pointed at the headrest. He could finish the feather while the other was lying down either way. Hyungwon nodded and let his back rest on the tattoo table, stretching out his legs while keeping one propped up, exhaling slowly. His left arm rested on top of his eyes instead of following invisible creations with his fingers for once.

“I might fall asleep like this though. The machine sound is very calming.” Hoseok leaned in, closer than he had been before, the new position forcing him to come really near, almost breathing the way the other smelled. The sharp intake of breath was a sign that he wasn’t the only one affected by the proximity.  
  
“Yeah I forgot to tell you that I’ll have to lean in, sorry. My eyes hurt a little and the feather is really fine. Why don’t I draw circles? Seriously.” Hoseok chuckled against the skin that smelled like cherry wood. Such a lucky coincidence. Hoseok was really sensitive to smell and if someone smelled bad the whole tattoo session turned into a try not to die challenge.

“Because every idiot with two left feet instead of hands can draw circles. Don’t you want a break though if your eyes hurt? Close them for a bit? Drink something?” Hyungwon’s voice sounded partially less calm, lifting his left arm to glance in Hoseok’s direction. Licking his lips and concentrating on the way the needle danced along the blue lines Hoseok exhaled.  
  
“But Kandinsky though. His circles are amazing.” He chuckled. “I can’t close my eyes because I’d fall asleep, on you. And I drank an espresso so I’m okay. It’s about half an hour and we’re done.” The intoxicating smell filled his nostrils and he fought the wish to lean in even more although it was absolutely unnecessary.

The other uncovered his eyes completely and stared at him as if Hoseok had offended him by uttering his previous words.

“Kandinsky is absolutely not comparable with the mere act of drawing circles. What makes it so special is that it had been at a time when everyone had a stick up their arse, busy drawing differently and condemning revolutionary changes. You can’t just stamp it off as circles.”  
  
“I love Kandinsky. Don’t go art history at me. I had it at university thank you.” He did lean in further, just to annoy the other man who was trying to teach him art. Hoseok himself had studied for four years before throwing everything out of the window and opening a tattoo studio.

“I am sorry. I got a little emotional. You are very talented.” Hyungwon lay down again, but kept his left hand on his thigh this time, watching Hoseok and breathing through his nose, some of the air brushing the tattooist’s face.  
  
Shit, the guy was just too fucking naked and smelled too good.  
  
“Are you cold? I’ll give you a blanket.” Hoseok lifted the machine and waited for a confirmation. Hyungwon just frowned at him, examining his face intently for what felt like ages.

“I thought I was the one who minded proximity. Does the fact that I am shirtless disturb you? It is pretty warm in here, which is why you are wearing a t-shirt aren’t you? The question is rather weird,” he replied and raised an eyebrow in question. Asshole.  
  
“Nevermind then. I’ll make an espresso. You can chill for five minutes since I need a short break.” He huffed and put the machine away, standing up and marching to the fucking coffee machine at five in the morning because how the fuck could the whole situation get more weird than it already was?

“Have I upset you somehow?” the other man asked, still lying on the tattoo table and watching Hoseok making himself a coffee. He seemed genuinely worried, lips in a slight pout and eyes bigger than before. “It wasn’t my intention. The question just seemed strange to me.” Hoseok just acted as if he didn’t hear anything because of the coffee mill, waiting patiently until the espresso cup was filled. He needed coffee.  
  
_Why are you like this? Just tattoo the damn feather, get the money and the drawing and go sleep._  
  
He inhaled the coffee, breathing in and out a couple of times and returned to the other man, disinfecting his hands once again and taking the machine.  
  
“I’ll finish up then.” Hyungwon just nodded in response, closing his eyes again and taking a deep breath, arm remaining still at his side this time. Hoseok leaned in and started outlining the incredibly fine feather lines, intertwining and looking so beautiful on the golden skin. He had to take a picture later, for his collection. His arm propped on Hyungwon’s underarm to reach the side of the upper arm, enabling him to ink in a comfortable angle. “Sorry, I can’t reach it otherwise.”

“It’s okay Hoseok. I told you,” the other replied calmly, lifting his left hand and touching a strand on Hoseok’s head, letting it slip between his fingers before he let go, exhaling softly.  
  
_You need to sleep Hoseok. You really need sleep, fuck insomnia, just go home and sleep._  
  
He couldn’t help but stare again, needle hanging in the air, his brain trying to make sense of what the fuck was going on and why the man was touching his hair while semi moaning.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to distract you. I just gave up on my inhibitions concerning touching your hair. I’ll stop.” Smiling and licking over his lips once, the other man stared at the ceiling again as he apparently liked doing.  
  
_Is he teasing you Hoseok?_  
  
His resources were not enough to make sense of his client’s behaviour. If it would’ve been a normal night in a club, Hoseok would’ve smirked and curled an arm around the gorgeous waist pulling him closer and taking his breath away, but fuck he was working and it was his drawing for the first time and the dude kept doing weird things.  
  
He stood up and leaned in from above placing an arm on the naked chest and moving his face closer to see the outlines and finish the curve of the feather motive. Hyungwon watched him instead of the ceiling, eyes jumping back and forth on the features of his face, as if he wanted to imprint them into memory, or paper. Breathing out, strain obvious from the way he held himself, not able to lean onto the body completely, Hoseok continued trying not to look at the handsome face mere centimeters apart from him.

“You can lean on me, it’s okay,” Hyungwon said quietly again, as if Hoseok could regulate the volume of his speech with proximity. “I don’t mind.”  
  
He lifted the needle and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, breathing in and out slowly, tiredness and striving for perfection battling against each other. A warm hand reached for his arm, long fingers curling around his wrist.

“I’m so sorry. You look exhausted,” the other man muttered.  
  
_You are and that’s why you are losing your shit because of some random hot guy lying on the tattoo table in your studio. However concentrate on the fucking feather Hoseok._  
  
He opened his eyes slowly, focussing a little more on the next best thing which happened to be his client’s face.  
  
“Yes, it’s late, but it’ll be done soon. Sorry I tend to add things if i’m not satisfied, and I’m not satisfied yet. The feather looked good on the paper but your golden skin doesn’t give that much contrast so I have to adjust the lines. Sorry that it takes a little longer.” He exhaled against the other man’s chest and tried concentrating on the feather again. As if aware of his struggle Hyungwon didn’t comment, just nodding and remaining still, only chest rising occasionally for a deep breath. Why the fuck did he hold his wrist though? Maybe he needed it for moral support.  
  
“How is it for your first tattoo? It’s really uncommon to get something that big for the first time.” Hoseok tried to distract himself from the long fingers around his arm.

“It had to be that one. It was fine, don’t worry about me.” The voice was more neutral again and the fingers began tapping a pattern against his wrist, each finger pressing down lightly in alteration.  
  
“What are you doing?” He couldn’t help asking because it was almost impossible to concentrate on the lines. The hand immediately let go of his.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I do that when I space out.” Hyungwon took another breath and placed his arm next to him again.  
  
“No, it’s- It’s actually okay. I just thought you wanted to tell me something, like that you needed a break,” Hoseok stuttered. Shit, it was incredibly late but the work was almost done. The skin of his arm almost melted into the naked chest under him. He could hardly determine where his own perception started and where the heat of the body under him ended.

“Just continue. I won’t bother you.”

“You’re not bothering me, you’re just plain weird and I’m probably just overreacting so everything is fine. Don’t think about it.” Hoseok inked the last bit and lifted the needle, putting it away. He got the warm water and leaned over again, wiping off the excess ink. Hyungwon smiled as he sat up, taking a look at it and letting Hoseok continue in a seated position.

“This looks amazing. It really does. Thank you, Hoseok,” he exclaimed and smiled even brighter, staring intently at the freshly tattooed piece. He was happy, well thank-fucking-god. Hoseok stretched his back and lifted his arms, muscles sore from performing the same movement and being overall tensed because he was a dumb hot male. Hyungwon stood up and walked over to his desk without an invitation.

“Would you give me a piece of paper and a pencil?” he asked calmly, staring at some of the artworks on the wooden surface.  
  
“Sure. Wanna draw half naked? Fair enough.” He walked over to the printer and got a piece of paper out, placing the container with the pencils next to it.

“I don’t care. You can clean up while I draw something for you.” He didn’t hesitate even a second before he grabbed a few pencils, picking the one with the right hardness and letting it touch the paper, fine lines appearing, curved and smooth.  
  
Hoseok went back and cleaned the surfaces and the machine, getting rid of the needle and the excess ink, putting everything back where it belonged and walking out.  
  
“You have no idea how to take care of it don’t you? And I didn’t put cream on it so you better move your ass back so I can tell you about the aftercare. After you’re done that is.” The other man didn’t look that receptive and Hoseok walked back to get foil and cream. He could draw how much he wanted but his fucking masterpiece should be treated nicely. He crouched down next to the chair Hyungwon was sitting on and opened the cream, applying it on the tattoo carefully. Hyungwon didn’t react, focused on his drawing and biting down on his lower lip in concentration. It was as if Hoseok hadn’t even touched him in the first place.

_Fair enough._

He continued standing up and leaning a little forward to get the shoulder and inner arm. The tattoo really turned out beautiful. He was proud of himself for creating a masterpiece in the middle of the night.

Suddenly Hyungwon jerked, turning towards him and surprise evident on his face, like Hoseok hadn’t fucking stood there for the past ten minutes. The other stared at him for a few seconds before he exhaled and turned around the piece of paper, hiding it from view and lifting his arm a little to ease Hoseok’s job.

“I finished.”  
  
“Amazing, let me finish this up and I’ll appreciate your work.” Fingers slid over the smooth skin, irritated from the needle, rubbing in the cream and making sure every tiny line was covered.

“I’d prefer if you would look at it after I leave,” Hyungwon replied, calmly watching Hoseok work.  
  
He looked up, a little surprised at the strange request, but Hoseok also rubbed cream into the arm of a guy who sat on his working chair half naked at 6AM. His face was really close, too close. He looked down at the tattoo again.  
  
“Sure.” His fingers left the hot skin and grabbed the foil putting it over the arm carefully. “Done, you have to wash it after four hours, then apply cream a couple of times a day. It’s important if you don’t want it to look like shit.” He stood up and brought the other man’s shirt because this was enough awkward nakedness to last him a lifetime.

Hyungwon thanked him as he accepted the shirt and pulled it over his shoulders buttoning it up with practised fingers. “But how many times exactly and for how long? A lifetime?”  
  
Hoseok would’ve cracked up if he wasn’t basically dying of tiredness and exhaustion.  
  
“No. Six to eight weeks, make it eight. Four times a day. I packed the cream.” He handed a small package to Hyungwon while smiling with the last fucking bit of ressources he had. Hyungwon nodded and walked over to his coat, taking his wallet out and going through a few bills.

“Cash is fine, right?” he asked as he seriously pulled out 2,4k in pounds. “I hate paying by credit so I try to avoid it.”  
  
_Bitch, what the actual fuck?_  
  
“Sure, but you drew, so you can give me the amount I told you.” Hoseok stared at the insane amount of money. The other man just smiled, shaking his head lightly and putting on his coat and scarf.

“You don’t know if you’ll like it yet and I am not sure whether you understand how meaningful your drawing is for me. Thank you again,” he said and took Hoseok’s hand, placing the bills into his open palm, watching him intently. Hoseok just stared, because fuck, the only thing he could do next to that human was to stare, trying to make sense of everything.  
  
“Business is business. I said what I said.” He counted the bills and pushed the rest into the slightly cold hand. “Thanks. It was meaningful for me too. First time I tattooed something I drew privately. Thanks for coming here at 3AM. Get home safely.” He smiled, strange mixture of emotions clouding his senses, exhaustion and sleep deprivation sucking out the oxygen and forcing him to inhale deeply.

Hyungwon stared at him for a few seconds more, eyes taking in his facial features again, difficult to determine where exactly he was looking. After what could have been a minute or more the blonde smiled slowly, taking another step towards him. Without hesitating much he grabbed Hoseok’s chin and lifted it up as he leaned down himself, placing a short kiss on his lips before he stepped away again.

“I am sorry, but my inhibition isn’t what it’s supposed to be today. Thank you again,” he commented, still smiling and walked out, bells chiming with his departure.  
  
Hoseok didn’t know how long he had stood there, asking himself whether it was some kind of crazy hallucination or a dream, but the feeling on his lips remained and so did the paper on his table. He walked over taking the drawing carefully and turning it around.

It was a kiss but more cryptic, parts of faces alone sufficient to identify both individuals. It was easy to recognize himself, shade of the hair and features of his right eye and a corner of the lip, fluently transitioning into water and sand, partially transparent and drops as realistic as they could be, interlaced with tiny grains. It was also easy to recognize the other man, plump lips and large eyes, but instead of the sea there was a fluent transition to ink, lines dark and thick, staining the white sheet.  
  
He couldn’t get his eyes off the piece of paper. It was hard to describe why it was so captivating.  
  
_It looks exactly the way it feels like. He drew it before kissing you and still he got it all right._  
  
It was late, early, he was exhausted and the whole night seemed like a drug induced dream. He took his phone, putting the drawing into his bag carefully and closed the door behind himself.  
  
Hoseok walked over the muddy water, cabs driving past him and people going to work, but it felt different. Something had changed and he couldn’t point out what it was. Was it him drawing for the first time in such a long period of time, the tall, handsome man wanting his chaotic drawing on his skin, the three hours of talking and strange tension surrounding them, the way the plump lips felt like or the breathtakingly beautiful drawing the other left?  
  
Sleep.  
  
He needed to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are curious about the tattoo that Hoseok inked on Hyungwon, you can find it [here](https://mobile.twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway/status/967051518166872065/photo/2).


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are you going to do with him once you've found him?

Hyungwon closed his eyes.

The loud tangle of voices that had been raining down on him just seconds ago faded into the background and he focused on the feeling of the wooden desk under his fingertips. The voices were only a murmur now, barely there. Inhaling slowly he alternated the finger that pressed down and focused on the rhythm of it, keeping the distance between fingerpresses equal and giving them a number when he felt that it was necessary. The action was very calming and the frustration he had felt a few seconds ago drained through his pores the longer his fingers continued their melody.

The desk was smooth, probably mahogany and covered with a layer of stale to protect the surface and prolong the longevity of the piece of furniture. He wasn’t quite aware how long he had been focusing on the pattern of his fingers, but when a chair next to him screeched he opened his eyes again.

The middle aged man that had been presenting his ideas for a new clothing line, including different types of chairs and windows in various states of decomposed, had finished his demonstration and finally receded to his spot on Hyungwon’s left. He was from a smaller company that wished to collaborate and although Hyungwon was generally open for new input he preferred to keep the exchange of art less mechanized.

Most of the artists that worked for him were freelancers that submitted artwork once in a while, whenever they felt like it fit the requirements. Collaborating with a company branch would mean that their artwork would make up most of their clothing lines and Hyungwon hated the inability to chose. The man looked a little uncomfortable as far as Hyungwon could tell, hands shaking and a sweat drop was moving over his forehead towards the eyebrow. His eyebrow was unusually formed, some of the hairs sticking upwards towards the end of the brow.

_Maybe your dislike was obvious from your face Hyungwon? When you are frustrated you forget to control it._

“What do you think about the proposal Mr. Chae? Shall we vote on it?” The negotiator of today’s meeting sounded cheerful, throwing his right leg over the left and apparently positive about the strange arrangement of chairs. Hyungwon judged by the raised corners of his mouth and the light twitch of his left eyelid. The money involved was tremendous, so of course the other man was in a good mood.

_They must have misunderstood something Hyungwon. The designs sucked._

“We can vote on it, but I disagree on the inclusion. I do not see how a partially destroyed window is a good choice,” he answered calmly and also crossed his legs to mirror the other man’s position. It was supposed to evoke the feeling of being attended to and that is what he was trying to achieve. The negotiator frowned.

“But you requested a broader inclusion of geometric patterns the last time we met.” Hyungwon could perceive a few nods in his periphery, some of the other department heads agreeing. Yes, he did indeed say that, but geometric patterns had meaning and couldn’t just be plastered on fabric for no reason. It was almost an insult to the beauty of parallelity and order.

“I did indeed, but I also requested that the geometric patterns be integrated into a broader context and expression. I do not see how a window or a chair fit that broader context. I oppose the collaboration.” He licked over his lips, fixing the position of his tie and hoping he got his point across sufficiently. “Please excuse me, I have another appointment to attend to, but I wish you success with other partners.” Standing up, jerking a little at the squealing noise of his own chair he nodded at the attendees without really looking at any of them and disappeared out of the room. There was no other appointment but as long as he kept his face neutral everyone believed him.

The sigh Hyungwon released as soon as he left was almost loud enough to echo along the long hallway, walls completely filled with artwork sorted according to epoch. Hyungwon loved the hallways. It was like travelling through time, colors and types of strokes changing and becoming more revolutionary and modern the closer he got to his office. Only religious art was excluded, unfitting to his personal beliefs and making him uncomfortable. Otherwise everything was there.

When he finally opened the heavy wooden door the familiar scent of roses greeted him. Kyungsoo had been nice enough to turn on a scented candle while he had been occupied with his meeting. He scanned over his furniture to see if anything changed, identifying a new piece of paper on his desk, right next to his daily to do list which had already become lighter by a few items. Hyungwon turned his chair and sat down, eyes immediately lifting to stare at Wassily Kandinsky’s Bustling Aquarelle. It was one of his favourite pieces, representing order through the constantly present geometric shapes but also never becoming boring, some of the color changes and variations difficult to transfer into memory and reproduce. He had several works of art in his office, all of them by the same artist and all of them for the same reason. Sometimes he needed to distract himself and Kandinsky was perfect for that. It was all geometric and simplistic but the combination of simplistic elements created a complex whole that was almost impossible to perceive at once. Just like everything else for Hyungwon. Details always stood out and the painting was a token of that.

Smiling slightly Hyungwon sat down more comfortably, stretching out his long legs and taking a closer look at the letter on his table. The paper seemed thick and had a beautiful pattern printed along the edges. The noise of quiet steps on the carpet distracted him again, his secretary sneaking in without too much ruckus as usual to not disturb him.

“Have you already taken a look at the announcement, Mr. Chae?” Kyungsoo asked, voice deep and neutral. It was always very pleasant to listen to. Hyungwon wasn’t quite sure what it was about the other man, but something made the constant interactions with him easier. He was the person that stayed the longest, two years by now. His gaze never seemed demanding, at least not to Hyungwon and he always fulfilled every request without problems, asking whenever something was unclear. In addition he was quiet and that was a blessing in itself.

“I haven’t gotten to it yet. Unfortunately I had to listen to dissatisfying ideas by a potential partner whom I will have to turn down,” Hyungwon replied and sighed again. “Those bigger organizations just can’t compare to freelancers. There is almost nothing in there, as if they let a computer program do it.”

_That’s why you prefer to work with independent artists. They know what they are working on and have something to say. You were just like them before._

Since Hyungwon stopped selling his own artwork to be printed onto clothes and actually started his own company the time that he had for drawing himself was immensely limited. There was almost no way for him to actually sit down and draw unless he did it instead of sleeping. He enjoyed working at the company, the possibility to make decisions himself and he enjoyed what he was doing but the pressure that came along with organizing a whole establishment in which you were forced to not only rely on your own abilities but also on the abilities of others was stressful.

Hyungwon hated empty paintings. Drawing a bird for the sake of drawing a bird had no meaning. There had to be a reason as to why somebody drew that bird and it had to be visible in the drawing without a booklet with 300 pages attached to it.

“It is an invitation to participate in the ‘Art meets Fashion’ project by the ministry of culture, Mr. Chae. The requirements are to collaborate with domestic artists and to follow the decided theme, designing patterns that fit it. Would you be interested?” Kyungsoo continued calmly, waiting a few seconds as if he knew that Hyungwon’s attention had been elsewhere.

“What is the theme?” Hyungwon asked, fingers reaching for the letter and reading through the first few sentences himself. It was genuine and opportunities had to be taken, even if Hyungwon had a dislike for changes and dependency on other entities.

His secretary came a little closer, turning the page and pointing at a highlighted box.

_Expressing emotion without facial expressions._

Hyungwon frowned. Expressing an emotion was difficult on its own and it had taken him a long time to learn all the fine differences that an emotion could evoke on a face. However drawing an emotion from scratch, without translating it into facial expressions seemed almost impossible to do. At least for him.

_You can only draw emotions figuratively when you feel them yourself Hyungwon._

He sighed again. It was an opportunity and again he was forced to rely on other people for the successful mastering. He couldn’t do it himself.

“Please prepare a letter of agreement for me. We’ll do it. I just don’t know how yet.”

_  


The way the seconds hand slid over the clock, each motion evoking a loud clicking noise, was driving him mad. It was regular and could have been calming but the fact that time was passing without creation erased all positivity that the noise usually carried for Hyungwon. He was sitting at his desk, paper and pencils in hand and tried to express his feelings on the paper. There were times when he felt on edge and couldn’t quite tell why, only pencil and paper taking some of the pressure away and turning it into art. It was a way to bring order into his life and his way to perceive things. If he could draw it then it finally made sense. The nightly sessions were like a little practise to keep going. He wasn’t able to take the time often, but he tried to do it frequently enough to not force himself into the artistic black hole he had found himself in three years ago.

It was late and the loud ticking was a constant reminder of how he hadn’t draw anything yet. Hyungwon had considered taking the stupid clock of the wall, but he would have to hang it up again in the morning, too used to its presence and the way it created a contrast to the white wall.

The pencil scratched over the paper, creating fine lines without turning into anything in particular. Just grey pencil strokes in white space, meaningless and incomplete. He groaned, throwing the pencil to the side and placing his right hand on the wooden surface, palm facing downwards.

_You can’t just imagine an emotion Hyungwon. You never really could. The only thing that comes to mind are facial expressions. What were you expecting?_

Hyungwon liked and appreciated his workers. He did. There were some amazingly talented artists among them, drawing complex designs with which even a glance was sufficient to like it. That’s why Hyungwon was well off. It worked. People liked the designs and bought them. But a competition was something else. It was a specifically defined task and something that had to be perfect. If the task was to create an emotional picture without showing an emotion then it had to fulfill all criteria to the fullest, create the perfect expression of an emotion without a face.

He didn't feel the need to do it himself. It wasn’t necessary. But he wanted it to be perfect. Just that none of his independent artists were perfect, all of them had their specific themes or areas they had difficulties in. There was no artwork that he could have considered emotionally perfect. Not even one.

He bit down on his lower lip and grabbed the pencil again, strokes turning thicker and creating an oval shaped form, thinner at the right end compared to the left. He added a split shape at the edge, a little like a ribbon, thinning out towards the end. The pencil didn’t pause, lines over lines adding up to the creation, underside of the oval becoming ruled, further shapes adding to it and filling everything out with detail, small smile gracing his lips.

He had drawn a whale.

Chuckling he threw the pencil towards the back of the desk and exhaled, glancing at the ceiling, the only part of his office that had absolutely nothing to focus on, just white wall.

_What emotion does that express Hyungwon? Loneliness?_

It had been almost three years now since he had gone against all his usual convictions and had gotten wasted, just to get a tattoo over his whole shoulder by a man whose name he didn’t even remember. Hyungwon would have stamped it off as a dream, had the gigantic tattoo not been enough of a reminder. He didn’t regret it because it had been his decision and even if he couldn’t recall the exact reasoning behind it he was sure that it had been rational. Hyungwon was always rational.

Even now the drawing of the three elements, water, earth and air combined, each soaked in meaning, evoked an emotion in him. He loved the tattoo and Hyungwon couldn’t say that about many objects or living beings in his life. The drawing was neither and still he felt attached whenever he looked at it.

_It’s a drawing and it expresses emotions without showing facial expressions Hyungwon. This is what you are looking for._

His eyes widened almost immediately in realization, ticking of the clock swerving to the background because he was finally able to focus. Opening his laptop and the search engine he tried to remember the way the other man had looked. It wasn’t difficult because he had drawn him once and Hyungwon never forgot anything he ever drew, but the name was the bigger problem. He didn’t remember. Not even the first letter.

_What are you even going to do with him once you find him Hyungwon?_

It was pretty straight forward actually. Hyungwon was going to search for him and then once he found him he would ask him to draw something emotionally expressive, preferably several pieces so they could hand them in and participate in the project. Thereby following the invitation while satisfying Hyungwon’s criteria for perfection. It was absolutely reasonable and since Hyungwon could pay well there was no reason for the other man to disagree.

_You just need to find him._

Hyungwon wasn’t sure how often normal people changed their hair color. He had done it exactly thrice in his life, so he hoped that the other man would still have blonde hair with blue tips. He had really liked it back then, even if he didn’t quite recall what he had thought or said, but his emotional reaction remained in his memories.

He attempted several keywords, ‘tattoos’, ‘blue hair’, ‘Korean tattoo artist’ but that didn't give him any hits in London. Nothing popped up and he hated it. Even when he tried to look for the tattoo elements there was nothing. The other man must have never used them in his drawings again.

_Good, because it’s special._

It was impossible. Genuinely impossible. After investigating the work and studios of 15 different tattoo artists Hyungwon was convinced that he had seen enough hearts with arrows in them to last him a lifetime in addition to chinese signs with no proper meaning and dragons. His tattoo artist hadn’t drawn like that. His drawing had been perfect.

Sighing he leaned back again, turning off the laptop and massaging his temples. The whole fiasco was giving him a headache, solution not in sight and time pressure rising. It wasn’t that urgent yet but he had an idea and he had to turn it into actions and consequences. Time constraints were frustrating. Why did humans have to sleep?

He took another look at the clock, quarter to midnight. It was time to go home and sleep, recover sufficiently to follow his strict plan that Kyungsoo had been nice enough to prepare for him. Maybe he would have to ask his secretary to take care of it instead. He was reliable and hadn’t disappointed Hyungwon yet. Maybe he would also locate the young man that had spent several hours tattooing something of personal relevance to himself on Hyungwon’s body because he had asked him to.

_Just go home already Hyungwon, otherwise you’re going to be moody and difficult to take. Keep track of your actions and just make yourself a reminder to look for him._

Hyungwon’s memory was amazing when it came to faces but it would have been fucking fantastic if he had remembered the other man’s name as well.

_The person doesn’t really matter, Hyungwon. But that drawing does. You need more of it._

  


_***_

  


Hoseok opened his wardrobe. The good thing was that he didn’t have to pick clothes because his profession already kind of did the job. It needed to be black. Just black, so the ink wouldn’t be visible if something went past the needle. It was 9AM and he had about an hour to get to the studio and to set up everything for the tightly booked day.  
  
He threw his leather jacket over his shoulders, wondering if it would be raining, like it did yesterday and the day before, but his studio was waterproof so there was nothing to worry about.  
  
“I already set up your machine and your first client is there too.” Shownu smiled at him from the work desk, printing out the appointment schedule for the day. The tall man’s eyes turned to crescent moons, little wrinkles appearing at the corners.  
  
_How can he be so cute and so fucking manly at the same time, seriously?_  
  
“Thank you, you’re a real friend.” Hoseok smiled at his best friend and colleague while hanging his soaked jacket on the pretty iron hook and moved to the coffee machine. The one in his studio was much better than the machine he had at home, resulting in an insane amount of coffee he consumed while he was working. Grabbing the small white cup, he walked over to the cute red-haired girl sitting on the leather couch and looking through the draft catalogue.  
  
“Hi sunshine. I’m Hoseok. First time here?” He shook her hand and smiled brightly.  
  
“I know! Yes, it’s the first time, but I had to wait for an appointment for four months. I’m so happy that you said yes.” It was really cute, the way her eyes sparkled just because he was smiling at her and she got the opportunity to pay money for something he had drawn every day.  
  
_You wanted this Hoseok, exactly this and now you’re here having everything you’d ever wanted._  
  
“Thank you for deciding on getting your tattoo here.” He blabbered the same irrelevant bullshit as always and pointed at the back of the studio, taking his client with him.  
  
The needle danced over the very pale skin, creating a shape before filling it. A whale. It was a whale again. What did people have with the whales seriously? He couldn’t help but think about this one time three years ago. The time he had drawn a whale for the first time, tattooing it on some hot stranger and not taking a fucking picture because of dumb sexual attraction and throwing the drawing away with the papers, like a dumbfuck.  
  
_It was a masterpiece. Your first masterpiece, you idiot._  
  
His hand moved smoothly, trained and muscles flexing at the movements, the woman visibly affected. Maybe he needed to tattoo a dick on his arm so his female clients could get his point from the start.  
  
“Shit, that looks amazing whale boy,” Shownu commented, staring down from behind his shoulder. “You should’ve let me tattoo a whale on your back too, instead of the gay making out session.”  
  
“Shut up or I’ll tattoo a dick on your iris so you can see it every living second and think about what you missed while being imprisoned in your boring straight life,” Hoseok huffed, before realizing the widened eyes of the red-haired girl.

 _Sorry bae._  
  
He had a break of an hour which he intended to spend sitting at his work desk and drawing to his heart’s content while listening to Shownu’s hilarious stories, which consisted of the other man embarrassing himself in social situations. He wanted to draw, but no whales, everything but fucking whales.  
  
He loved drawing, he really did, but he had the feeling that he had lost something while making his dream come true. The dream was one thing but the main problem was a different one. There was a greedy voice located somewhere deep inside his head, wanting more, wanting change, wanting everything he didn’t have. The prominent wish to create something different, to bring chaos into everything around him, to get lost in it and be free like a feather, floating in the chaos and not forced to make decisions, just going with the flow. His whole life was about the non existing balance between a whale a feather and a dozen of annual rings.  
  
_Damn, just be thankful for once Hoseok. You’re getting money, you’re getting clients, you can draw and you can tattoo, what more do you want?_  
  
He didn’t fucking know but the feeling of being utterly dissatisfied nagged on his insides and ruined his mood on a daily basis. Shownu smiled at him, as if knowing that something was up. They were friends for so many years already, the other man was an awkward muscle mass with others, but absolutely authentic and comfortable with him.  
  
“Something wrong? Hate tattooing whales? Then don’t do it Hoseok. You can basically decide, you’re famous now. Why don’t you just tattoo your drawings? They’re amazing. Just pick people who are willing to get them and put your art under the skin.” The black-haired man smiled while cleaning his machine and wiping the surfaces after a session.  
  
“I don’t know. I don’t fucking know what my problem is. Remember I told you about that one time I tattoed that guy. My drawing? I don’t know. I somehow don’t have the confidence I had back then. I want to see how it looks like now. I have the feeling I have to see it once to remember what it felt like, what I thought, you know? It’s when you need to listen to a special song to evoke the emotions you need to remember something. It’s similar but I was so fucking dumb back then. I don’t remember his name and I don’t remember what I drew, just that it was a whale, a tree and a feather. Fuck.” Hoseok inhaled his espresso and put the cup on the table with a loud noise, glancing over to Shownu in apology.  
  
“But Bunny, you’re so talented, just sit down and draw, and then sit down and tattoo. I have the feeling you tend to make everything overly complicated. For me it’s simple, if I didn’t stab my client in the eye, it was a good day.” A big smile appeared on the soft features and it was so contagious that Hoseok had to smile too. “Don’t you remember how much you fought with your parents while quitting your studies and opening the studio, struggling to pay rent and everything? You did it because you wanted to draw and to make it stay. Now you are able to, but you hesitate.” An object flew in his direction and Hoseok reacted fast enough before the cookie hit his left eye.  
  
“I need my eyes to work Hyunwoo, you can’t just throw stuff at me.” He pouted and lifted his finger to start a lecture about the importance of eye sight to a person working in an art related environment.  
  
“Then get your shit together and stop being so melancholic, it’s so unlike you.” His best friend smiled and bit into a chocochip cookie, munching with his mouth open and gracing Hoseok with the view.  
  
“I love you, no homo.” Hoseok grinned at the broad shouldered man, who started laughing while almost choking on his cookie.  
  
“I love you too you weirdo, please do something about this.” An authentic smile graced the handsome face and a finger pointed in his direction, before their discussion was disturbed by the sound of the bell with motion sensor they had installed half a year ago.

A small man with short black hair entered the studio, swiping his shoes over the door mat although it hadn’t been raining that hard for once, streets in acceptable condition and cleaning the shoes rather unnecessary. He was dressed in a suit, definitely expensive and unfitting for a typical client in a tattoo studio. When the round face rose to take a look around, the dark fringe revealed large eyes and heart-shaped lips, pulled into a frown as they took a careful look at Shownu, quickly followed by Hoseok.

“Excuse me for disturbing you unannounced,” the short man began as his eyes returned to Hoseok’s face after glancing around the room. They remained on him as the other man took a little piece of paper from his pocket and unfolded it, glancing at the sheet and at Hoseok’s face as if comparing them.

“If I am not mistaken this is you,” he said finally, voice deep and rather monotone. It had something intimidating to it although the guy was tiny as fuck. Not hesitating much he stepped closer to Hoseok and stretched out the piece of paper. When he was right in front of him their difference in size wasn’t that obvious, maybe five centimeters maximum. The paper that the other held was a pencil drawing of Hoseok’s face, shade of his hair, facial expression and piercings on point. It was a hairstyle he had back when he thought his forehead was ugly. Two or three years ago.

“Uhm duh. The drawing looks like a photo, so yes this is most definitely me. How can I help you? My bookings are closed though.” Hoseok couldn't help but stare at the drawing. His image looked so dynamic, lips curled in a little smile and eyes focused on something. Shownu winked at him and went to the backroom preparing the machines for the next session.

The man in front of him nodded and suddenly the shape of his face changed as he smiled, mouth opening, teeth showing and eyes turning into small curves.

“I am really glad that I have been able to identify you. There is an offer I would like to introduce you to.” Still smiling the other man took an envelope out of his suit jacket and handed it to Hoseok, facial expressions somehow cute despite the intimidating aura.  
  
Identifying was bad, it sounded like some legal shit and Hoseok sure as fuck didn't want to be identified if it meant that he had been sued or something. He took the envelope opening it while his eyes remained on the man in a suit.  
  
It was a job offer.

“Thanks but I already have a job. I own this studio so I'm doing fine, but thank you for the opportunity.” He folded the piece of paper and put it back into the envelope, stretching it towards the black-haired man.

“I think you misunderstood the offer Mr. Shin. I am assuming you are Mr. Shin since you own this establishment. The offer I am making you is limited over time and does not require you to abandon your current profession.” Pushing the envelope back towards Hoseok politely the other man returned his face to a more natural expression and stretched out his hand. “Excuse my manners. My name is Do Kyungsoo and I work for CIRCLE London. The head of our company has personally requested your skills in the current collaboration so I would be delighted if you would accept.” Hoseok looked down at his favourite CIRCLE skinny jeans but caught himself after a second.

_Yeah Hoseok, it’s those dudes who just sit in a chair and order people around. They just sell the clothes._

“Listen Mr. Do, it's amazing that your boss wants something from me, but then your boss should come and ask me himself. I don't work for companies and I also don't sell my drawings so I think you might want to find someone else. London has a lot of amazing artists.” He smiled. He had no intention doing anything for any company and he also wasn't interested, so why bother the busy human in a suit?

His answer was apparently enough to make Mr. Do uncomfortable.

“Would it not be possible to change your mind with an adjusted honorary Mr. Shin? I fear that our chairman is very particular and has requested you. Exclusively,” he elaborated, pausing and sound rolling a little on the last word. What the fuck was that situation? Why would a company CEO request him? Did he do something? This was getting plain weird.

“I honestly don't get it. Why does the chairman want me? I already told you I'm not doing stuff like that and it's not about money, it's about freedom and working contracts. I'm my own boss and I intend on keeping it this way.” Hoseok stood up and walked over to the coffee machine, there was never too much espresso.

“Even if the agreement was for a short period of time you are not inclined to agree?” the other man asked again, eyebrow raised slightly.

“I'm really sorry, I know you're just doing your job but honestly, no.” Hoseok smiled apologetically because the person who came to see him probably had to suffer consequences from him declining, but there was nothing that could've been done.

“Then I apologize for stealing your valuable time today Mr. Shin and hope that you will have a successful work day. A nice day to you too Mr. Son.” Nodding at both of them although Shownu hadn't been involved in the conversation the other man disappeared through the door again, leaving the envelope behind.

_Hope dies last. But it dies._

Shownu walked over to him with a grin on his face while removing the paper out of the envelope, unfolding it. His eyes ran over the text while his mouth opened more and more the longer the other man stared at the paper in his hands.  
  
“Are you mental Hoseok? They want you to draw and they’re willing to give you a bathtub filled with money. It’s CIRCLE London, you love their clothes, what the fuck is wrong with you?” The tall man weaved the paper in front of his eyes until Hoseok thought he’d get epilepsy and ripped it out of the big hand.  
  
“I don’t care, it’s those CEO whatever people, telling you you’ll get freedom but squishing everything out of you and leaving you behind after stealing your art. I’m happy that I’m my own boss and I’m not going to change my mind. The end,” he finished and crumpled the printed offer before it flew into the bin, hitting it in a perfect angle.  
  
“Buckeeet,” Hoseok screamed while clapping for himself and ignoring the way Hyunwoo had shaken his head at him.

_  
  
It had been almost a week since the slightly creepy CIRCLE employee came to their studio for the first time. Hoseok didn’t think the man would be that persistent. At all. No matter how many times he had told the short man that he had no interest and that there was no way he would agree to collaborate with them, Kyungsoo kept visiting them, drinking a coffee at their place and telling him amazing (probably made up) stories about the perfect working environment at CIRCLE and how he had seen that Hoseok was wearing their brand’s clothes, and that the creepy CEO human only wanted him.  
  
_So fucking what? You also want a lot of things. Life’s not a wishlist. He can go find some other artist who likes to get ordered around._  
  
The secretary was really funny though, not stuck up and relaxed after coming to their studio for the third time. Shownu and him were really awkward with each other and it was a pleasure to sit next to them, watching the awkwardness spread like fog, until Hoseok had mercy and started laughing like a maniac, relaxing the tensed atmosphere.  
  
He inhaled his espresso and put a serious expression on his face after the short man finished his coffee.  
  
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo. You can come here as often as you want because I like you, but I really won’t do it. Tell your boss he should definitely find someone else and that it’s not your fault.” He smiled and stood up from the couch. He needed to prepare for the next appointment and he already spent his break while talking and drinking coffee, work had first priority.  
  
The other man smiled and slipped into his coat. He was really cute, looking like a highschooler but dressing like a team leader. Kyungsoo waved and smiled at both of them before disappearing in the grey rainy alley.  
  
He really hoped that the other would visit independently of the annoying collaboration offer. The short man was really nice company and Hoseok had enjoyed talking to him about art history, which the other man seemed to be interested and educated in.  
  
The clients went home and so did Shownu, only Hoseok, his pencil and the piece of paper remaining under the small table lamp on his working desk. It was 2AM already but he wasn’t tired. He wanted to create, to draw something, to let a little chaos into his structured life.  
  
How did you end up with filled timetables, bookings five month in advance and offers from big companies?

 _That’s not you Hoseok._  
_  
_ You’re a person who tattoos a drawing you made three seconds ago on a stranger at 3AM.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be an intense ride. What are your impressions now that we have returned to the here and now of the fic instead of something that happened three years ago? How do you feel about the characters? Please let us know :D
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	3. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I inked this, I swear it's him.”

Hyungwon massaged his temples, groaning as quietly as possible and unable to focus on the words Kyungsoo had just spoken to him. The sounds hung in the air, not combining into anything meaningful, purely empty letters like those of a letter soup that he had eaten as a child. Twirling around and disturbing the silence.

“Could you repeat that?” he whispered and pressed down a little harder, hoping that the increased force would help with his headache. He was professional and could deal with rejection like a grown-up. Also repeated rejection.

_Maybe pressure will help with your other problems too, Hyungwon?_

Of course it wouldn't have. Considering that Kyungsoo had repeatedly been understanding and open the effectiveness of outside pressure was almost zero. Shin Hoseok would have just blocked off even more and Hyungwon would have had to wail in his poor excuse of emotion perception.

He had gotten rejected a lot back when he had been working as an independent artist himself. Hearing that his work made no sense and was just a strange arrangement of objects and faces was a constant, but he had survived it somehow. He just handed it in somewhere else or drew a new one. The solutions had been there and worked, tested in real life situations and reliable. However this time the two techniques weren't usable. He couldn't just create a new requirement for the artist he wanted and he couldn't take a different artist. He was stuck.

_You never adjust your standards Hyungwon. That's what you stand for after all._

His secretary was standing in front of his desk, black shoes polished and only a tiny wrinkle on the side of his trousers as if he had been leaning against a pointed surface. The small hands were clasped in front of him and a thumb was rubbing over the other repeatedly. It was distracting and only adding up to the headache. Hyungwon rubbed over his own thighs shortly to feel something else instead of the constant throbbing and the irregular buzzing.

“Mr. Shin has rejected the offer again and requested me to tell you that you should look for a different artist for the collaboration as he is not intending on changing his mind,” Kyungsoo repeated calmly and Hyungwon’s headache gifted him with another well positioned stab. He wanted to hit something but experience told him it just hurt and he wasn't going to solve his problem. He had to act, do something useful.

“Have you really tried everything Kyungsoo? I know you have been going there almost every day and I apologize for the pressure, nevertheless his participation is of utmost importance to me. I cannot replace him.” Hyungwon sighed, imagining taking another artist instead of Shin Hoseok and regretted it almost immediately as his whole body tensed up at the thought.

_It needs to be him. Only he can do it._

“I have described the environment, the freedom in drawing and the fact that it is well compensated as you required. None of those had any effect on Mr. Shin though. I fear you might have to consider someone else.” Kyungsoo looked apologetic, thumb increasing the speed with which it rubbed over the dark skin. It reminded Hyungwon of the gestures people had when they desired to console someone physically, like put an arm around a shoulder or pat it. Luckily Kyungsoo knew better than to act on these urges.

“But I need _him_ Kyungsoo. It's personal,” Hyungwon eventually admitted, unsure what other reason he had than the fact he enjoyed the others art and had proof of its superiority on his upper arm.

“To be honest with you Mr. Chae I see that he has skill but none of the designs struck me as remarkably emotional,” his secretary commented carefully and shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

“That's because what he tattoos and what he draws is different. At least it was. I need him on the project Kyungsoo. I don't know what to do when he's not on it,” Hyungwon whispered and let his head fall to the table, placing his arms on top and enjoying the darkness for a few seconds. It was a little easier to ignore his problems like that.

He heard steps but they moved further instead of coming closer. After what could have been minutes the sound of a cup hitting the wood filled his ears, Kyungsoo bringing him coffee.

“I hope I'm not upsetting you Mr. Chae but if you consider the participation of Mr. Shin something of personal value, maybe it would be a good idea to handle it personally?”

_Personally? Go there and talk to Shin Hoseok himself so that he would participate in the project?_

Hyungwon chuckled, the sound not really leaving his throat the way it should have. There was no way that he could do that. The other man would probably recognize him and immediately confront him with the one time he had let his inhibitions go, idiotic desperation taking a toll on him and breaking every rule he had patiently developed for himself.

In addition Hyungwon would be awkward as fuck because he was unable to begin proper first meetings without weirding people out. But that was only a secondary worry. He didn't want to be confronted with questions concerning his decision making because his memories of that night were foggy at most.

_He is the proof that you fucked up Hyungwon. The one time you let yourself go and went against everything you believed in. You don't even fucking remember it all._

No, there was no way that he could go and confront all of that by himself. Shin Hoseok would have to agree without a personal visit.

_He's the only one who made you feel enough to make you draw it Hyungwon. Don't let him do it again and pull you back into the belief that only losing yourself can help you create art. It doesn't._

_You don't need it to draw._

__  
_

His long fingers slid along the smooth skin of the pale back in front of him, fingertips pausing at each knob of the spine and overcoming it through a light brush like an obstacle. It was fascinating how warm human skin could be when it wasn't his own.

“You're warm,” he muttered as he placed a soft kiss on the right shoulder and the nape, curling his arms around the other man and pressing him closer. Cuddling was nice for a limited amount of time, enjoying the sweet scent of skin and the softness of the touch but there was a different reason for the other man's presence.

“That's because I'm not dead, Hyungwon. Fucking surprise. You're probably cold all the time because you're dead inside,” the black-haired man in his arms replied, giggling sweetly and hugging him in return as one leg curled around Hyungwon's hips with ease.

He wasn't quite sure whether it had been intended as an insult. It could have been but considering the way Minhyuk usually spoke of him and complained about him lacking empathy it was most likely just the other man stating a fact. Hyungwon played with some of the black strands and wondered how it was possible to convince a tattoo artist, who had turned down all of his attempts for two whole weeks, to finally agree. Placing a kiss on the waiting lips he engaged in the body contact and placed a few more light touches of his lips on the other man's neck since he remembered him liking that. However instead of doing what he usually did (which involved something rather pleasuring) Minhyuk pushed Hyungwon a little further away and threw him one of his glares, eyes narrowing and one corner of his mouth turned up.

_You did something again and need to find out what it was._

“I hate it when you are like this,” Minhyuk huffed out, keeping his leg curled around Hyungwon's hips but not letting him kiss him. Guessing games were tiring and never Hyungwon's forte. Luckily the other man was also aware of that.

“Like what?”

Minhyuk rolled his eyes and grabbed his hair, pulling their heads together and staring at him as he kissed him. It was rather uncomfortable, urge to look away almost unbearable but Hyungwon held it in. As their lips parted Minhyuk pressed their chests together and sighed.

“Distracted and not really paying attention to me. At least not fully.”

It was true. After all Hyungwon had a collaboration coming up that he still needed the main artist for. A man who rejected every reasonable offer that Kyungsoo presented to him. Hyungwon was starting to become desperate, unable to understand the other's strong opposition. However his problems had nothing to do with the mechanical act of sex which he was perfectly able to perform independently.

“But why would me being distracted frustrate you? The movements are the same. Whether something is on my mind while I sleep with you or not shouldn't affect your pleasure during the act. You would still come and so would I,” Hyungwon replied, letting his hand run over Minhyuk’s waist and butt, stroking it lightly, fingers caressing the other's inner thigh.

Opposed to his expectations the black-haired was not satisfied with the answer, frowning at him as he pinched Hyungwon's nipple painfully. Yelping he put some space between them, confused by Minhyuk’s actions which were accompanied by a smile that was missing something. The eyes weren't reacting and remained still.

“Then you can also go and fuck a cupboard.”

_You said something inconsiderate again Hyungwon. Say sorry, that's what you're supposed to do._

“I'm sorry, Minhyuk,” he whispered, placing a careful kiss on the other's ear, unable to tell whether he calmed down or whether Hyungwon was still in danger of further bodily damage.

“You're not.”

“I should be sorry. What should I do so you feel better and let me touch you?” Hyungwon glanced at other man's face, focusing on the area between his eyes, nose bridge smoothly transitioning into the forehead and attractive. He was very beautiful and knew how to use it, dressing and undressing accordingly. Sitting up, Minhyuk smiled and leaned against the headboard of his bed, getting comfortable and pulling the blanket over his naked legs.

“Tell me what's bothering you. Maybe I can help and then you can focus on pleasuring me instead.”

He could, but it seemed a little pointless. Minhyuk wasn't familiar with art and wouldn't understand why he needed Shin Hoseok for the job.

“I need a tattoo artist for a project and although I'm sending Kyungsoo there for the past two weeks he doesn't agree,” he explained instead, keeping it simple and understandable. Minhyuk nodded and brushed a strand of hair from his eyes.

“But isn't that reasonable? This random rich guy sends his secretary and expects him to work for his fat old ass. Of course he doesn't want to. Companies only rip you off,” he exclaimed and rolled his eyes as if Hyungwon was missing a very important point. But that point was still not apparent to him.

“But I'm neither fat nor old and have no intention of stealing his art. I am going to pay him sufficiently and make sure he's content with the compensation,” Hyungwon replied, still not seeing how Shin Hoseok could conclude that he was fat and old.

“That's not even the point Hyungwon. He's never seen you. You could be anyone and saying anything. Maybe he just wants to draw in peace and Kyungsoo isn't you. He has no fucking idea what you are thinking. Just like every other human on this planet by the way. You don't make sense.” Minhyuk was getting exasperated, gesturing a lot and rubbing over the skin of Hyungwon's thigh. It was distracting and he would have much rather engaged in sexual activities than discuss the irrational decisions of an artist. The unpredictable change of conversation topic disturbed him immensely.

“But the invitation was authentic and Kyungsoo told him that we need him. Isn't that sufficient?” He pulled Minhyuk closer to have more contact, stroking over the other's spine again. He liked doing that, since the bumps were always regular and pleasant to the touch.

“You're an idiot Hyungwon. You need to show him what he gets out of it and apparently money isn't enough. Explain the artistic challenge to him, show him that you're a young handsome guy with a passion for art and young artists. Be y-” The black-haired laughed. “Scratch that. Don't be you and try to be socially acceptable. That should be enough.”

Hyungwon hummed to show him that he listened, focusing on the rushing in his ears and how the blanket kept rubbing against his knee because Minhyuk moved his legs. So Shin Hoseok might need to hear more reasons than money and Hyungwon was the only one who could provide those. Furthermore the artist needed to see that Hyungwon didn't fulfil CEO stereotypes and therefore qualified as an acceptable person to work with. Despite his lack of knowledge about art Minhyuk was very versed in the art of social interaction. A subject Hyungwon would have failed had it been required in school or university.

“That actually makes sense,” he muttered, fighting his inner turmoil when it came to meeting other people for the first time when it wasn't in his working environment. Going somewhere unfamiliar and interacting was challenging and he didn't want Shin Hoseok to recognize him, questioning him about his decisions three years ago.

“Of course it does. I said it you socially awkward penguin.”

Smiling at Minhyuk for reassurance he kissed him, ignoring the eyeroll and licking over the other's chest and stomach, fingers easily slipping between his legs to distract him, work him up by curling around his erection. It was fascinating how the other's body remained affected even when he scolded him, words and bodily reactions almost never agreeing. Had Hyungwon not considered words meaningless he wouldn't have been able to choose which one to trust. Soft moans filled his ears, the other man holding onto his shoulders and murmuring his name. He was already used to Minhyuk’s reactions and antics, often related to something that Hyungwon had done wrong and already knew how to make up.

Despite the pleasure that occupied his head, making his senses sharper to touch but less affected by his surroundings, the control remained with him. He was acting on the bodily urges but not drowning in them.

Minhyuk had wanted him to be focused but he wasn't quite able to, one thought continuously repeating itself inside his head without a break.

_You'll have to see him yourself Hyungwon._

_And he might know who you are._

_  
  


Hyungwon watched how the buildings passed by him, turning into a blurry mixture of colours that removed all recognizable features. It could have been London but also any other large city. The blurriness distracted him a little from the increasing speed of his heartbeat, blood pumping furiously to his head and thumping in his fingertips. He was nervous.

The tattoo shop wasn't too far away but Hyungwon didn't want to struggle with finding a parking spot, relying on Kyungsoo and his superb driving skills instead. The other man was very rule abiding and therefore pleasant as a driver.

“I will be stopping at the side street on your right Mr. Chae. Please give me a call as soon as you wish to be picked up.” Kyungsoo spoke without looking at him, eyes remaining fixed on the road as they should.

Hyungwon didn't reply because it wasn't necessary. His fingers tapped a rhythm against the car window until they pulled over and he got out, nodding at Kyungsoo and staring in the direction of the tattoo shop.

_You just go there, explain to him why you need him and if he recognizes you just pretend like you have no fucking idea what he's talking about._

His plan was idiot proof and he only had to convince his heart that there was no reason to worry and give him the first stage of a heart attack. He pulled his loose white t-shirt properly into his black ripped jeans, emphasizing his waist and hoping he looked like himself. Whenever he was worried he immediately felt uncomfortable in his skin and perceived everything as wrong and in need of adjustment. Usually he just blew his ears with music or drew but he couldn't just do that instead of visiting the tattoo shop. He was desperate and he had to go there even if he worried that his memories were accurate when it came to the other man.

_Just get it over with Hyungwon. God._

He sighed at himself, fixing his black cap and throwing his leather jacket over his left shoulder to not feel too hot in the studio. Kyungsoo had mentioned that the heating was alright.

Walking towards the shop he stopped close to the entrance again, seeing that the floor was made of the type of material that made his black converse squeak. His brain immediately told him to turn around and leave, but that was just his usual panic mode, searching for the slightest of reasons to disappear and avoid uncomfortable situations. He breathed out and just hoped the shoes wouldn't squeak, keeping his steps careful as he opened the door and was surprised by a different bell announcing his arrival. Shin Hoseok must have changed it in the last three years.

_Maybe he also changed himself and you don’t have to worry about your emotional reaction to him and his art._

The shop had changed a lot. It was clean and orderly. There were more and especially rather different designs covering the walls. Hyungwon recognized a few drawings of wales, similar to his but somehow not reaching the depth. Everything was straightforward in its organization and Hyungwon felt calm in the atmosphere. The feeling was the same even if the whole interior had changed. He couldn’t have described it but he liked it. A comfortable sofa was placed at the entrance, evoking the feeling of a welcoming atmosphere. He was on the way to calming down until he took another look around and saw an unfamiliar man.

_Oh god._

The other was muscular, but his face seemed strangely childish, soft features and round eyes. Hyungwon's breathing picked up and he tried not to panic but went through everything Kyungsoo had told him about the tattoo shop instead. However the secretary hadn’t mentioned the presence of another man.

_Why the fuck is there another man Hyungwon? Where did he come from? Why did no one prepare you for this?_

“Who are you?” Hyungwon asked, staring at the guy with the round eyes and holding onto the handle of the door, not closing it.

_Fuck. That was rude Hyungwon. Get yourself under control and do what you came for._

The man stared at him for a couple of seconds, not saying anything and making him unnecessarily uncomfortable.

“I'm Shownu, do you have an appointment? You must be looking for Hoseok.” He looked a little suspicious of Hyungwon. “He had told me to keep the afternoon free though.”

_Hoseok._

Hyungwon tried to get his thoughts back in order and remember if he was looking for Hoseok. Yes he was. Definitely.

“Ehm, yes. I didn't say that I was coming. I'm sorry. I had no way to tell him. May I see him please?” Hyungwon remained calm and kept standing in the door, focusing on the other man's right shoulder to not be too uncomfortable. There were basically no obvious emotions on the stranger’s face and it threw him off a little. Maybe he was some kind of protection because Shin Hoseok was popular? Like a bodyguard. He definitely had the body for it. “Are you his bodyguard?”

“What?” The guy kept staring at him while the eyes widened impossibly. Hyungwon had underestimated his eye size, something about him looked sweet but also dangerous at the same time. He didn't know what to think or how he felt about that. “Bodyguard? I'm a tattoo artist but yeah let me get him.” He walked further into the studio while shaking his head.

_Of course Hyungwon. They share the studio like that couple that worked for you before. It's cheaper and easier to handle because one isn't alone. Don't be so dumb._

His heartbeat picked up again, apparently realizing that it was time for panic and heavy breathing and he finally closed the door behind himself. The click brought him back to his awkward standing in the middle of a tattoo studio, so he simply sat down on the couch. That was the purpose of the lonely piece of furniture after all. Playing with one of the holes in his jeans he waited for the arrival of Shin Hoseok, hoping that the man had changed sufficiently to not evoke the same reaction.

_If he recognizes you, you know nothing Hyungwon._

Soft steps echoed through the studio before he appeared. Hyungwon lifted his head slowly and attempted to ease himself into the situation. He wasn’t sure if there was a facial expression he could make to not look like himself, but that would have been difficult because he didn’t know what he looked like when he was drunk. He decided to remain neutral and not freak out.

The tattooist wore black jeans from his label, a black shirt hugging a really trained and muscular upper body, moving smoothly like a snake. He hadn't been that muscular before. Hyungwon's memory never lied when it came to visual stimuli.

_Fuck. Oh fuck._

Shin Hoseok had put on a lot of mass. A lot of good-looking and especially very attractive mass. The kind of mass that usually convinced Hyungwon into spending more time with people and he actually didn’t want to. He wanted to collaborate and avoid being recognized. A lot. Also it made no sense why the fuck the other man didn't want to collaborate although he wore Hyungwon's clothes. He had a nose and a lip piercing, the sand coloured hair with blue tips styled up and revealing the forehead. The hair had stayed the same just like on his drawing. It was beautiful. More than beautiful.

Otherworldly.

Shin Hoseok was exactly what Hyungwon considered aesthetic and it had already been a problem three years ago when he had decided that kissing a stranger without asking was a good idea. He had to remain professional and convince, not react to physical properties.

Hyungwon blew some hair from his own forehead and licked over his lips to win some time.

“You are wearing CIRCLE jeans,” he stated, glancing at Shin Hoseok and attempting to keep the eye contact. It was hard. He counted four seconds before looking away and focusing on the area between his eyebrows instead.

The other looked at him, eyes sliding over his facial features, body and all the way up. Could he maybe not do that? It would have been greatly appreciated, but Hyungwon had no choice, heartbeat playing the drums in his chest.

“Do we know each other from somewhere? You seem kind of familiar. What can I do for you?” The tattoo artist ignored the question while his eyes seemed to stare a hole into Hyungwon’s face. He hated unanswered questions.

_No he doesn't Hyungwon. He has never ever seen your face._

“I doubt it,” he answered calmly and stood up, remembering his manners. “I'm Chae Hyungwon.” He smiled right after and stretched out his hand to shake the other’s. It also gave him time to figure out how to not scare the artist off.

“Hoseok, nice to meet you. What can I do for you?” The man squeezed his hand harder than he should've and sat down next to him, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

_Shin Hoseok has no idea of distance._

“Ehm, is that proximity really necessary?” Hyungwon asked and looked at the other man's thighs. He shouldn't have. Why did he sit down anyway? Normally people left space. At least they should. “I'm actually here because I wanted to talk about your art.”

The other man tilted his head and grinned.

“You are sitting on my couch in my studio darling so you'll handle me sitting next to you while you tell me what the fuck you want.” He paused while his gaze examined Hyungwon’s features again. “What art? Want to get a tattoo? Sorry but you'll have to wait five months.”

_Darling?_

Hyungwon felt a little offended to be called darling in a professional environment, even though he found the other man attractive. In addition talking around the bush was really annoying and simply not his style. He would be polite and not remark on the other man's habits of naming strangers but also had no wish to talk about random irrelevant bullshit.

“I'm here to attempt to explain why CIRCLE London wants your art for the collaborative project.”

The facial expression somehow changed and the muscular man stood up.

“So did the CEO dick head send someone else? Awesome. Same answer. No fucking way I'm doing it.” He went to the coffee machine and placed a small black cup under it.

_He seems angry Hyungwon and you are lucky that you have a dislike for being insulted, makes it easier to deal with him._

He frowned, watching the other man get a coffee. Taking a deep breath Hyungwon brushed some of the black hair from his forehead and put his hand to his waist right after. The other man was beyond his predictive abilities. ‘What is the reason?’ or ‘And who are you?’ would have made sense but Shin Hoseok just insulted him for no reason whatsoever. He might be stubborn but he sure as fuck wasn't a dick head.

“And what makes you think that I am a dick head? Insults are supposed to have something backing up the argument, so what is yours?”

Shin Hoseok turned around slowly, eyes narrowed and biting down on his lower lip.

“It's you? You're the CEO?” The surprise made room for something different after a short while and the handsome man leaned against the counter while taking a sip of his espresso. “Good. Because then you'll hopefully understand so I won't have a reason to call you dick head. Even a dick understands a no.” He smirked before emptying his coffee. “I won't do it. Please find another artist, thank you for your interest and have a nice day.” He put the cup on the table and walked further into the studio.

_Fuck, Hyungwon you can't let him go. What are you doing? He knows nothing. Get personal. Do something!_

“Hoseok, wait! You don't understand, please listen to me. Can't you listen to me and then decide? I promise I will leave you alone if it's still a no,” Hyungwon called as he ran after him, overtaking him to stand in front of his face but not touching him. Calling him by his first name had already been a challenge because once Hyungwon crossed the line he couldn’t go back.

_You better convince him if you promise something like that._

“What is this drama? Your behaviour makes no fucking sense.” The man put a palm in front of his face and sighed. “You have thirty seconds and then I'll bring you out and close the door.”

Hyungwon stared at the other man's eyebrow piercing, blood almost freezing over in his veins. The pressure was building up and he really needed Hoseok.

“When do the thirty seconds start?”

The artist removed the palm from his face and gazed at him intently.

“Thirty.”

_Fuck._

Hyungwon took a quick look at his watch and used about two seconds to bring his thoughts in order.

“The project is under the topic of drawing emotions without the use of human facial expressions and all of the artists currently working for us have a slightly different focus whereas I have never seen a work so full with emotions without even one human as yours is. I feel like only your hands can make the project complete and that's why I'm constantly trying to convince you. This time myself. I am willing to accept a lot of conditions concerning your working environment and payment if that means that you will agree.” Hyungwon swallowed and took another glance at his watch. He had seven seconds left. He sighed. “Please.”

“What work are you talking about?” The other crossed his arms in front of his chest.

_Shit Hyungwon. You know exactly one artwork and that reveals your identity._

He swallowed again and bit down on his lower lip, looking at the smooth ring piercing in Hoseok's lip before establishing eye contact. It was more sincere for other people.

“I saw a tattoo you did. A whale, annual rings and a light feather. It was mind blowing and that's exactly what I need. Full of emotion without even one human involved.”

Hoseok’s arms fell down his body as if the muscle tension had left him for good.

“Where. Where did you see it?” he barely whispered but his gaze was more than intense. Hyungwon couldn't help but feel a little intimidated. This was the point at which he had to lie like a master. Relaxing his features he focused on the other man's left eye.

“A former employee of mine had it on his shoulder. He drew the picture of you that Kyungsoo brought. That's how we found you,” Hyungwon replied calmly before be focused on the other's hair. It was beautiful. Like the sea. He wanted to touch it.

_Don’t._

“I need to see it. To see the person, it was my first work and it's-" He paused. “It's very special for me, so I need this person. Could you give me the contact information?” The other’s eyes widened and he walked a step towards Hyungwon. Caught off guard he slid back almost immediately, rather intimidated by the artist's outburst. The proximity was a little too much, but Hoseok seemed to be ignorant concerning that.

_Why would he need you Hyungwon? Wouldn't a picture suffice?_

“And a picture of the work isn't enough? You need the person?” Hyungwon asked calmly, trying to decipher the facial expressions. They had something desperate to them but it didn't really make sense for the desperation to be there. Maybe he was also wrong. It just seemed unreasonable to require the person if the main interest lay in the artwork.

“No. I need to see it in person and there are also things I wanted to ask.” Hoseok looked to the side before ignoring personal space and coming even closer. “So could you please give me his contact?” He sucked in his bottom lip.

_Run._

A tingling sensation spread through Hyungwon's shoulder, the one with black ink infused to form one of the most meaningful works of art he had ever encountered, but he resisted touching it in addition to turning around and running away because of the discomfort of body heat.

_He needs something Hyungwon. You don't know what he wants to ask and what he wants but he needs something. From you._

The sudden relief he felt was comparable to the first breath one took after the fading of a cold, nose finally permeable to air and filling out the whole body. He had something that Hoseok wanted. It wasn't money but it was something else he had. Himself apparently. Hyungwon couldn't help the smile that spread his lips and attempted to keep the proximity although it made him uncomfortable. He might have been awkward but he was still a male with self control. If it seemed more confident to remain in close proximity although Hoseok was attractive then that’s what he was going to do.

“Then how about you collaborate on the project with me and I'll give you the contact information of that person?”

_You got him Hyungwon._

 

***

 

Hoseok didn't know what he had expected. It was definitely not the handsome, strangely familiar man with superb fashion style entering his tattoo studio. Something inside him screamed that he had seen the person, but he just couldn't recollect where and how. He had also most definitely not expected him to be the annoying CIRCLE London CEO he secretly wanted to choke for not understanding a ‘No’. The other was exactly his type, tall and incredibly attractive. He couldn't hide the disappointment that was painted all over his face after hearing about the strangers identity.

He really wanted to kick him out, despite being all fabulous and wearing amazing pants. Tall, handsome CEOs also needed to eat a bag of dicks sometimes. That was before he had mentioned the tattoo. Hoseok’s tattoo, the annual rings and the whale, the feather he had inked on the beautiful man’s shoulder three years ago. His heartbeat picked up, realizing that the CEO must’ve known the person. He needed the contact, he wanted to know why the other had kissed him and why he had drawn them both, why he had asked such strange questions. The whole thing seemed like a lucid dream. His back tattoo was the only thing reminding him that it had somehow been real.  
  
“Then how about you collaborate on the project with me and I'll give you the contact information of that person?” The man smiled.  
  
_He got you Hoseok. You need to see the tattoo. You need to remember what it was like. What you were like._  
  
“I’ll decide after looking at what you want to offer and this agreement better be a part of the contract.” Hoseok felt like punching himself for giving in like a crazy person, although it was clear that the CEO was a sneaky bastard, recognizing his need and using it for his own purpose immediately.

“We can put everything into the contract that you require,” the tall man said, smile still on his lips and stepped away, increasing the space between them. After a few seconds he looked to the side shortly. “Everything that's reasonable of course. I really need you Hoseok and I'm glad that you are considering. What would you like to know?”

The man's features relaxed suddenly, body stature becoming more casual as he walked over to Hoseok's coffee machine and pointed at it. “May I have a coffee, please?”

_Why can't he just give you the contact information and fuck off?_

“Sure. What was your name? Won?” Hoseok went to the machine brushing along the other man's arm and holding a cup up in question. “Espresso?” The CEO jerked away but nodded right after, frowning at the name until he caught himself.

“I have the contract with me actually, but we can adjust it and I would send Kyungsoo to handle the rest. You get an office to draw in peace and working times are utterly up to you.” He smiled suddenly. “Of course we'll add the clause about getting the contact details of my former employee.”

Hoseok handed the cup to the other man and smiled. He sure as fuck hoped that it'd be over soon.

“What do I have to do? Why do you need me? Actually I still don't understand why you are so persistent. Oh and for how long do I have to do it? Will you tell me what to draw?” He let himself fall on the couch while massaging his temples and regretting every life decision in advance.

The other man's eyes widened as he seemed a little disgusted.

“Why the fuck would I tell you what to draw?” As if he realized something he bit his lower lip and went through his hair. “Sorry for cursing but telling an artist what to draw is the worst thing that one could do. Why would I influence what you want to express? The point is expressing. How you do it is your decision just don't use human faces to do so, that's the only criteria. Otherwise it's completely up to you. The deadline for the drawings is in four months, so that's the time of the contract. The last few weeks will be used to choose the pieces.” The CEO remained standing and sipped his espresso, just taking small gulps and cringing instead of drinking the whole thing at once

_Three months of torture for contact details of a man who you inked at 3AM and who kissed you afterwards, seems like an amazing deal, since when are you so dumb Hoseok?_

“You're a CEO. You don't want to spend money just like that, don't try to shit me. You want an outcome that satisfies you and you actually don't know me so it's bound to become very frustrating for both of us.” Hoseok's hand went to play with his jeans, letting go immediately after remembering that it was the company's brand. “As long as I don't have to draw whales,” he added.

“I told you. You can draw whatever the f- whatever you want. It doesn't matter as long as it fits the theme. Just draw a lot so the choice is bigger. Concerning your skills you can just assume that your client has spoken very fondly of you and therefore I am not doubting you. Just don't listen to what people tell you to draw and go with your personal preferences.” The cup was placed carefully at the side and the other man took a seat on the armrest at the other end of the couch. “I want to earn money but I also want to produce good work. I feel like you are the best way to achieve that goal, Hoseok.”

_‘You're the best way to achieve that goal Hoseok’. Having syphilis sounds better than that, seriously._

“Yeah give me the papers, I'll read through them. Is there something obligatory? Something I have to do no matter what?” He sure as hell hoped that there wasn't. He didn't even know what he was hoping for, all the alarm bells in his head went off, the image of the guy sitting on the couch while putting the most distance between them only made it worse. He wanted to hug someone, preferably Shownu.

“Just produce art. That's the only requirement,” the other man answered and looked in thought before he grabbed inside the pocket of his jeans and took out his phone, answering a call. It must have been work related as his facial expression changed and so did his tone, lower and more demanding. “That is understandable, but I told you that I am in no way inclined to collaborate because their art is meaningless. I don't care whether they are big in the industry if it means nothing then it's worthless to me. Tell them that.”

The CEO rolled his eyes and pocketed the phone again, grabbing his backpack instead to get a piece of paper out to lean over the couch to give it to Hoseok, not saying a word.

_The good thing is you'll never get hard at him Hoseok. And if you do you'll immediately become soft because of this turnoff CEO behaviour. Ew._

He took the paper and read over the important points in a hurry.

“Does everything I create during the period belong to you? How is the copyright handled?” It was important especially if he wanted to draw something personal, something to express. Hoseok couldn't believe he was talking copyright with some company boss. What was he doing with his life?

The other man shook his head, resting his arms between his legs, leaning forward.

“Since it's a collaborative project with local artists you'll be credited. The main idea is that we will be using it for clothes later. Part of the profit will be yours because of the design. However the allowance to use the designs produced within the project for clothes lies with us.” Suddenly he smiled. “You could be seeing people with your designs on their shirts then.”

_Whatever._

“Amazing. Put the thing with the contact information there. It's the only reason I'm thinking of doing it.” He groaned and handed the paper back before standing up. “When do I have to start?” Hoseok walked over to the edge of the leather couch and looked down at the tall man. “Don't you have a fancy card with your number and name and how fucking amazing your occupation is on it? Would be easier to communicate if I get my brain back and say no.”

The black-haired looked a little uncomfortable, fumbling with the ripped fabric of his jeans, pulling at some of the loose strands with his fingers.

“I do, but now that you said you might want to say no I kinda don't want to give it to you. Your participation is very important to me. I'll definitely put the clause in and send Kyungsoo to take care of the rest. It will be as soon as possible.” He thought for a few seconds before grabbing his backpack again and handing a card to Hoseok. “I just kinda hate phone calls, so maybe you can write an email?”

_The weirdness has no boundaries Hoseok._

“Uhm sure. I need to draw now, since I held the whole evening free just for that so if you would excuse me. I really hope we don't end up working together but damn I want to see the tattoo again.” He turned quiet towards the end looking into the other man's eyes, not quite sure what he was searching for. The other was handsome, he really was.

The response was simple and sudden. The CEO’s eyes widened before he nodded, grabbed his backpack and walked out of the door, not saying another word.

_Fuck. What the fuck do you think you're doing Hoseok?_

Doing? No idea, but he was about to make stupid decisions he would most definitely regret only because of some magical Harry Potter like meeting three years ago. He didn't even remember anything particular, some weird questions, how the tension was so unbearable and the way the other man was so strange but also so unbelievably hot. The ‘losing your mind in some kind of drug induced action’ kind of hot. The way the tattoo appeared on his arm and how he drew them, before he kissed him. Shit.

_Thank god you didn't jump him back then. You were so close._

“Listen Hoseok, that dude, he looks like the guy on your back, the guy you're having the make out session with!” Shownu’s low voice sounded behind his back as the man approached and lifted the black shirt up to look at his naked, tattooed back. “Fuck, I swear it's him. I didn't think it was a real person, so you made out with the guy? Did he come to ask you out or something?”

_He works too much Hoseok, don't always let him do everything alone, his brain is overheating._

_“_ It's okay sunshine, you don't have to work until late today, I'll tattoo for you if you want to. I didn't make out with that guy, he's the persistent dick head CEO from CIRCLE. Why would I kiss someone like that? Ew. You didn't hear him talk about achieving goals, I think my dick might have fallen off.” Hoseok turned around and gave his best friend a random hug. The other always smelled like whisky fudge, it was so manly but also really sweet, just like Hyunwoo himself was. Hoseok loved it.

“I inked this, I swear it's him,” the other man muttered before Hoseok just waved at the bullshit and walked over to take a look at the schedule.

“Please punch me. I think I'm making a huge mistake because of irrationality and useless emotional attachment.” He sighed while going through the appointments and drafts.

“Oh shut up Hoseok, you love that brand and you can draw. I heard what he said, it will be amazing.” Shownu smiled and sat down on the chair, turning around like a little kid. A huge, muscular kid. “How did he get you? I skipped that part. All you can buy CIRCLE wear? The bathtub full of pounds was there before though.” The other man looked surprised again.

_Yeah. How the fuck did he get you Hoseok?_

The tattoo, but looking back it was a shitty deal. He would get the info and Weirdo-Won would get a whole ass collab for his clothing line and make money like the annoying greedy person he was.

_But you need to see it. You need to remember what kind of person you were._

“He knows the guy with the tattoo. My first tattoo. He worked with him, so he will give me the contact details if I collab.” He sighed and buried his head between his knees, letting out an annoyed growl.

“You let yourself be played like that? Wow Hoseok you're getting into the ‘normal people’ group faster than I imagined. You must really want to see it. Why though?” Shownu stopped talking and stared straight at his face.

_Yes you let yourself be played by this tricky bitch because you want to see an animal a feather and a piece of wood on some random dude’s shoulder._

_But he drew you. He drew your face. He must remember you. Why?_

He wanted to see the pic Kyungsoo had brought suddenly. He needed it. Grabbing his phone he typed a message.

‘Hey Kyungsoo, your annoying dick head boss probably told you that he managed to get me into this shit with his manipulative tricks. Either way, when you come for the contract, could you bring the picture you had of me the first time you came here? I really want to see it again. P.S. Shit how do you survive with this human? You’re my hero!’

He sent it away and remembered Hyunwoo who was still looking at him, waiting to get his question answered.

 _“_ Yes I let myself be played like that. He will give me the contact details. I need it.” Hoseok stopped, remembering that he didn't tell Hyunwoo about the fact that the person on his back and his first real client were the same person.

_Those are shitty reasons. But whatever, three months more work and a bathtub filled with money. It's not that bad._

“Either way, I'll probably do it, regret it and then hate everything for three months. You might have to take over some of the bookings, I'll probably have to stop working at 8PM. This will be a shitshow,” Hoseok finished with an apologetic smile, but his best friend just smiled.

“Sure. Don't be so negative, show them what you're able to do. It'll be fun.” The tall man stood up and went over to Hoseok, curling his muscular arms around him. He felt innocent and he felt protected. For once.

His friend leaned back, staring at his face intently. It could've been anything, Hyunwoo was just weird with facial expressions sometimes.

“You know that he's back from the US right? It was yesterday, he was supposed to come back yesterday.” The tall man spoke quietly, observing Hoseok’s face.

_Fuck, no._

“Why are you telling me this. How does that concern me? He's a free man so he can come and go whenever and wherever he wants. It's not my business. Not anymore.” He tried to stay calm, he really did, but the thought alone that the man was breathing the same foggy London air that he did himself made his lungs clench painfully.

_Come on Hoseok. He's gone for almost two years already, so what if he's back? He did not come back to you, did he?_

He didn't and it didn't matter anyway, he had a three months period to reschedule and to prepare, he didn't need any further distraction and useless emotional attachment.

_Useless emotional attachment is the reason that you're going to work for some clothing company although it's going against your personality and values. Congratulations in being an emotional idiot Hoseok._

“Don't shit me, Bunny. I know that you started drawing because of him back then. Maybe-" Hyunwoo paused, ”Maybe you could meet him? Would be nice if you could draw again and be happy. I want you to be happy, Bunny, please.” That was the cut. Hoseok leaned back and freed himself from the hug, walking towards his back and packing up the stuff.

“I don't think this will make me happy. It will make me miserable, don't try to make me miserable Hyunwoo, you’re my friend.” Hoseok looked the other in the eyes. He was hurt, really hurt and Shownu should see and feel it all. Grabbing his backpack and the cursed CIRCLE leather jacket he walked out, closing the door and almost dying at the cold air hitting his overheated lungs.

_It's you. You're making yourself miserable._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see the drawing Hyungwon created in the prologue (which Hoseok has tattoed on his back) drawn by our friend Kao [here](https://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway/status/968501135861575682?s=19).
> 
> Shit is going to hit the fan in the next chapter, look forward to it. 
> 
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>  **Hard-cover Book** : [Here.](https://www.smutsis.com/online-shop/)  
>   
> Hit us up on Twitter  
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> 
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fuck my life. Why can't you just say it was a mistake or something? I don't know, something that makes sense.”

“But I don’t really know how to act around him because he looks so similar,” Hyungwon mumbled into the phone, hating phones and also hating Hoseok in addition to the fact that he had managed to recruit the other man, had a signed contract on his table but still didn’t feel particularly happy. It was confusing.

“I still don’t understand your problem Hyungwon. You met this guy once three years ago and acted weird. So what? You always act weird. You’ve been like that back when you ran around the house impersonating favourite superheroes and telling complete strangers that they would get cancer and die if they don’t stop smoking right this instant.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes, frustrated but remembering that it couldn’t be seen through the phone. He hated phones. No facial expressions to judge and words were always so meaningless to him, just a collection of sounds that carried factual information but nothing more.

“That was before I had responsibilities and had to be central executive of a damn fashion brand, Jin. I got him but I don’t really know how to act because he seems to get pissed quickly and insulted me immediately. I don’t get him and he’s attractive.” The contract on the table stared at him, beautifully curved writing staining the paper right next to his left-footed kindergarten scribbles. It was beyond frustrating.

The annoying windshield laugh of his brother sounded through the phone and Hyungwon regretted calling him, as he did so many times before, body almost convulsing unpleasantly from the sound. Unfortunately Seokjin was one of the few people who could make sense of his verbal mess.

“So basically you think he’s hot and are worried that your lack of social understanding will result in you fucking his brains out?” the other man asked and added another loud laugh just to torture Hyungwon some more.

“Not quite. It’s more complex but I don’t want to tell you everything, Jin. I just want to know how to treat someone who kinda hates you but has to work with you? Someone you actually don’t hate because they are immensely talented and attractive,” Hyungwon tried again. His question was pretty straight forward and Seokjin didn’t require any more details than he had already provided in the past 10 minutes of the phone call.

“My next patient is due in five minutes and if you don't get this then I don’t know how to help you. Just be nice and not a stuck up piece of shit. That’s what people hate. Try to give him what he needs to work and don’t complain about the way he arranges his pens or whether he knocks too loudly or too quietly. Got it?” His brother sighed and Hyungwon heard how he moved some objects around on the other end. It sounded interesting and he closed his eyes to imagine how the other man was walking around the doctor’s office, unable to concentrate without moving and walking in circles on the dark blue carpet. The difference in steps was obvious, louder when it was the parquett and quiet when the leather shoes touches the carpet.

“Hyungwon, snap out of it and listen when I am giving you advice. The bottom line is: be nice, don’t panic and especially don’t say everything you think. Please. ‘You smell nice’? Nope. ‘The way you look makes me want to have sex with you’? Also nope.” Hyungwon nodded again before he remembered the disadvantage and hummed. He really hated phone calls.

“Thank you Jin. Goodbye,” he spoke as a reply and hung up, putting his phone into his pocket and staring at his detailed drawing of Hoseok’s face. Now that the other man wanted Kyungsoo to bring it he felt dissatisfied with his impartial memory and interpretation of the way Hoseok had looked. The details had been correct but the emotion hadn’t. It lost some of the intensity over the three years and Hyungwon needed to reestablish it. How was he supposed to let someone else have something that he considered badly done? He would redo it and make sure to get the expression of the other man right, the effect he had on him.

_But don't you dare add the changes, Hyungwon. It has to be Hoseok from three years ago because you haven’t seen him and you don’t know a Hoseok._

The drawn hair did the actual effect of sand and water no justice. Looking at it now his memories had just produced a bland connection of colors. Just a poor excuse of the feeling of going beyond the here and now. Hyungwon wished he could see it so he would have an even clearer image. Sighing deeply he got to work, closing his eyes for a few seconds before starting the new artwork. The eyes were the first thing he drew as they were the most expressive, dark but somehow still captivating. It was a little bit like taking a walk at the beach at night.

_Don’t get too much into it, Hyungwon._

He didn’t know how long he was drawing, but the office got darker and the cups of tea or coffee that Kyungsoo prepared (all depending on the time of the day) exchanged frequently.

“Mr. Chae?” the secretary asked carefully as he leaned over at Hyungwon’s side, artificial light turned on and windows dark. The action caught him of guard and he jerked away, too focused on his drawing. As soon as he caught himself he nodded to signal his attention and licked over his lips, suddenly feeling hungry and dehydrated at the same time. “Mr. Shin will be coming soon for his first day and will also pick up the drawing as promised. I would recommend you to stop drawing if you wish for him to not know it was your work.”

Hyungwon nodded again and added a few finishing touches before putting the drawing to the side. It felt weird to not put any signature under it as he usually did. Habits like signing his work died hard, especially after he had drawn and sold his work for years.

“Just warn me before his arrival, so that I am prepared. I will be showing him around later,” Hyungwon replied calmly and took a deep breath. Kyungsoo threw him a surprised look as if he had spoken something rather unusual and disappeared through the entrance door, leaving him alone. His gaze returned to the drawing, features soft but eyes intense. The hair looked like it would slip right through the fingertips and Hyungwon swallowed. Maybe it was too much.

_At least the drawing expresses him better, Hyungwon. It doesn’t matter if he sees the difference or not. This one is him._

Kyungsoo’s voice sounded over the intercom, preparing him for the fact that Hoseok has entered the building and would be let to his office within the next few minutes. Hyungwon bit his lip and adjusted his ripped jeans and t-shirt, taking a quick look into the mirror although he couldn’t care less what he looked like. His heart almost stopped at the sight of the fine black lines of a feather stretching along his arm, going beyond the boundary of the fabric.

_You idiot._

Panicking he jumped up from his chair and looked around the office for something to throw over his body that wasn’t his leather jacket. There was a turtleneck that his mother sent him as a present, but it was a fabric he considered too tight and hated.

_Shit, hurry up Hyungwon._

He swallowed down his discomfort and pulled his t-shirt over his head before pulling the turtleneck over his chest. It was indeed tight and he immediately wanted to take it back off, wear his white t-shirt instead and not care that the artist would immediately recognize his tattoo. But he didn’t because he was good when it came to self control. He bit down on his lip again and sat down on the side of his work desk, focusing on his favourite Kandinsky painting to calm down. It always did the job.  
  
A loud knock disturbed the silence and it took a whole second for the door to open without any further notice. Hoseok apparently didn’t give a shit about appropriate behaviour. He looked amazing, tight black jeans, ripped on the thigh and knees, black high top converse chucks and a white shirt for once. The same one Hyungwon had taken off minutes ago. A tattoo peeked under the short sleeves at the exact same spot Hyungwon had his, but the motif was not visible.

Hyungwon would have felt calm about the whole thing had the other man not just barged into his office in under one second and had he not been sitting on his desk instead of behind it on a chair. Hoseok must have considered him weird as fuck although he was more calm usually.

“Hi,” Hyungwon said a little suddenly and slipped off the desk.  
  
The other man grinned and brushed back his hair.  
  
“Why? Just stay on the desk, you looked fabulous as fuck in your fat ass office in that turtleneck and all. The aesthetics are fine.” He giggled and came closer. “So. I want the pic of myself, do you have it? Also show me where I have to draw.” Hoseok slid his finger over the smooth surface of the table, stopping a little too close to his hips.

Hyungwon stared at him, eyes wide and overwhelmed by whatever the hell just happened. He glanced to Hoseok’s hand, following it towards the arm and shoulder and eventually ending up at the other man’s face. What the hell was going on?

“Why do you want the pic anyway?” he asked finally and moved a little further away, just his hand remaining on the corner. Kandinsky was apparently not enough to prepare him for the miniature fireworks that were Hoseok.  
  
The other man’s body moved along the table smoothly, looking at the things on it and it seemed as if he was dancing around him, looking at the paintings before stopping in front of Hyungwon again. He tilted his head and smiled.  
  
“You like Kandinsky. Reminds me of a discussion with a very interesting person. About drawing circles.” He looked up and down Hyungwon’s body before stopping and staring right into his eyes. “It’s my face on the picture, of course I want to have it. Plus the person drew it, makes me happy that he still does. Drawing I mean.”

Hyungwon swallowed and averted his eyes. Eye contact was difficult when he initiated it himself but suddenly and out of context it was burdening and threw him off course. The mentioning of circles pulled at something in his mind, but he couldn’t quite tell what. It just angered him that Hoseok would associate ‘circles’ with Kandinsky so easily, not appreciating the actual intensity and revolutionary development that his artworks caused. Whoever Hoseok had discussed Kandinsky with, he hoped the misunderstanding had been cleared.

“Why do you care if the person still draws or not? I’ll give it to you, but I felt curious as to why it is so important.”  
  
“Honestly it’s none of your business, but you seem so curious about me. Actually it’s more interesting why you are so fucking infatuated with everything that concerns my person? Have a crush on me?” He grinned and crossed the muscular arms in front of his chest.

_What a self-obsessed dick._

Hyungwon rolled his eyes and sat back on the desk to get more distance between them.

“If I had a crush I wouldn’t have used your infatuation with one of my previous workers to get you to work for me,” he answered, hoping it was as misunderstandable as possible and would get back at the other man for teasing him with his attractive features for no reason. He leaned back on his arms and crossed his legs, frowning at Hoseok.  
  
The other man’s eyes observed him intently before he slid his gaze up and down Hyungwon’s body slowly.  
  
“Back at being fabulous, I approve.” He smiled and stepped closer, stretching out his hand in question. “The picture.” Hyungwon couldn’t believe how little the artist cared about social standards. Even he was aware of appropriate distance. Pushing people into their own desks was definitely not acceptable and in addition to the whole thing he hated that stupid turtleneck. It felt like a foreign skin. He bit his lower lip in thought and pulled at the sleeves to get them lower on his palms before he turned around, wanting to give the other man the picture.

“Maybe you should be nicer when you demand things,” he said eventually, remaining seated and hoping that the other would get a grip on himself without Hyungwon reinforcing his inappropriate behavior.  
  
“How nice do you want me to be?” The low voice sounded somehow playful for no reason. Hyungwon’s heartbeat picked up and he would have recognized that reaction everywhere. No fucking way.

He swallowed and reached behind himself quickly, grabbing the damn picture and pushing it into Hoseok’s hands.

“Get the fuck out of my personal space.”  
  
“You might regret wanting to work with me, not that I care though.” Hoseok kept staying where he was and inspected the picture, tilting his head and eyes moving in saccades between different elements on the drawing. Hyungwon felt angry but also nervous at the other’s reaction. The picture was rather personal after all. It was his own impression and it didn’t have to fit with how Hoseok perceived himself.

_Just hear what he thinks and push him the fuck away. This is getting too much. If he continues like this you will have to ask and Jin told you not to._

“Anything you would like me to tell him?”  
  
“He drew multiple pictures?” The other man lifted his gaze, staring at him in question. “This one is different.” Hyungwon swallowed again, but kept his facial expressions neutral.

“When I told him that you want it he said it wasn’t good enough and wanted to draw another one. A better one.” The lies were going places but Hyungwon had no other explanation. It was the better picture.  
  
“Gosh!” A desperate growl echoed in his ears, while Hoseok stared at the ceiling. “Can’t you just give me the contact details? Dealing with you is really frustrating on so many levels. I’ll still draw your stuff, just give it out.” The gaze returned to Hyungwon’s face and the pale face leaned closer. “Come on, I signed your paper so you’ll have your drawings, Hm?”

Hyungwon’s blood felt like it froze in his veins again, sudden demands catching him off guard and not knowing how to react.

“B-but we had an agreement. Why would you want to change it so suddenly? The deal was afterwards wasn’t it?” he answered, unable to keep his voice level, afraid he would have to tell Hoseok who he was and deal with the whole aftermath. He couldn’t, not now and maybe not ever. “Maybe he changed and you’ll hate him. Just like Kandinsky’s circles for some reason.”

“Because you apparently can’t deal with me being myself and I would really prefer to deal with the person I’m interested in, the one who has my drawing on his arm and creates breathtakingly beautiful pictures of my face.” He leaned in closer, breath tickling at Hyungwon’s nose. “I told you I didn’t want to do all this confined, regulated company crap, but your fabulous ass insisted and annoyed the shit out of me for almost two weeks. You have something that I want and I want you to give it to me.”

_He hates you Hyungwon. And at the same time he wants to meet you. Which of those is it?_

“I want to be able to deal with you being yourself, but you are attractive and keep pushing yourself into my personal space sending me mixed signals and confusing me. My main interest lies in your art but I don’t understand what you actually want. None of those requirements needs your chest only several centimeters away from mine, forcing me to slide back on my desk. I can’t really push you away, can I?” Fuck Jin. If his actions didn’t speak then the words would have to get across. Hoseok made no sense and Hyungwon just wanted him to draw in peace without pressuring him with previous bad decisions and the fact that the other man was beyond attractive.  
  
Hoseok’s eyes widened and he leaned back a little.  
  
“Wait, did you just tell me that you can’t deal with me because I’m attractive? Is that it? Or did I miss something?” he asked, watching Hyungwon’s facial expressions. Good that they almost never said anything because nothing ever fucking made sense. How did the other man filter the one thing that Hyungwon didn’t want him to figure out from the gigantic onslaught of information. He could have realized that Hyungwon didn’t want to be pressed into his desk or that he was only interested in art, but no of course it was the fact that the artist was ridiculously attractive.

“Of course you are fucking attractive. You even act like it yourself, doing that hair flip thing and wearing horribly tight clothes. But that’s not the point. I’m saying that I want to talk about your art and not be confronted with your sea hair.” Hyungwon was losing his patience. He needed space. Now. “Get away from me and let me show you your office.”  
  
The other didn’t seem offended or angry as far as Hyungwon could tell. He just smiled warmly and stepped back.  
  
“Want to touch my hair? You’re really hot, but the CEO thing is a major turn off to be honest,” Hoseok remarked and walked towards the door leaving the drawing on the table and waiting for Hyungwon to follow.

Of course he wanted to touch it but he wouldn’t give Hoseok the pleasure of knowing. He released a breath he had apparently been holding and slid down from the table, running his hands over his ripped jeans as if they needed fixing. Taking a quick look around the office he followed Hoseok and opened the door, gesturing at the artist to leave first. Opposed to certain other people he had manners, even if they were forced most of the time.

“Just follow me. Actually you don’t need to know any locations except for my office, the material room and your office.”  
  
“Actually just show me. I’ll be okay,” the other commented, following him. The way he moved was hypnotizing, so smooth and natural. Hyungwon hated him a little for being attractive and fucking with his senses. He wanted to remain professional and focus on art but Hoseok had gotten through three years ago and it seemed like getting through another time wasn’t too much of a challenge for him. The fact that he was part of the rare group of people Hyungwon felt genuinely sexually attracted to didn’t help.

_Just that apparently your job turns him off._

Hyungwon didn’t reply and walked along the hallway, passing a few employees who smiled or waved at him. One of the newer additions grinned and showed him a thumbs up, pointing at his shoulder.

_What an idiot. He’d have to tell them to stop talking about his fucking tattoo. Soon._

Hyungwon smiled back and felt relieved at the sign leading him towards the material room. The hallway was beautiful with the chronological artworks but he kinda wanted to be in his office and preferably also alone. Arriving at the door he opened it for Hoseok and himself, stepping in first to turn on the light and show the orderly arranged shelves of drawing materials. This room was the one he used for all the artist self portraits or paintings of artists at work, materials and drawings in progress depicted. It was always warm. Hyungwon couldn’t help smiling as he stepped to the side, watching one of his favourites on the right side.  
  
“Wow, it’s like a doctor’s office. I’ll try to ignore the surroundings. The materials are all here right?” He looked over the shelves with a disgusted expression on his face for no reason. “Thanks. I’ll probably come late though, is there security to let me in?”

“Why do you think it’s like a doctor’s office? It is a very clearly depicted arrangement of artists drawing or showing their drawings in progress. I consider it very fitting to the fact that there are a mass of materials and how the epochs intermix in this one although they do nowhere else in the building,” Hyungwon couldn’t help asking. The tattoo artist’s expression was so vivid and easy to read that it hurt a little.  
  
“Chaos is beautiful, but nothing in here is chaos. It’s all orderly and somehow driven into interaction, not spontaneously intertwining but forced to be next to each other, leaving an impression of a sad attempt to be creative. But yeah my opinion, that’s why you are CEO and I push needles into people’s skin.” Hoseok stopped in front of one shelf and collected a couple of pencils and grabbed a paper randomly, not even looking at the quality. Hyungwon felt a spike of anger at his temple, fingers burning with the wish to disagree. Thank god Hoseok had already signed the contract.

“Art is the triumph over chaos,” he said simply and took the paper from Hoseok’s hands, putting it back and grabbing another one. “Paper differs depending on what you want to draw on and those pencils are for paper like this one. And now you can go and create art.”  
  
Hoseok looked at him for what felt like an eternity, before taking the paper and folding it repeatedly until it had a specific shape.  
  
“Art is not what I create, what I create is chaos.” He took the paper in the middle and let it fly over Hyungwon’s head before it crashed into a wall behind him. A paper plane.

Hyungwon just stared at him, feeling the blood boil in his fingertips and for the first time in his life perceiving a genuine dislike for the other man. How could he consider art chaos when it was the only thing that kept Hyungwon sane and away from it. Art was the only thing that enabled him to understand his surroundings, create patterns and thereby grasps complex situations. His breathing sped up at the presence of the paper plane and the fact that it was in his material room and didn’t belong there.

“L-let’s just go. Immediately,” he muttered and quickly walked out of the room, struggling with the other man’s behaviour and unpredictable actions. It was too much for him.  
  
“Please. I swear I tried to tell you it was a bad idea ok? I would’ve never, never fucking ever said yes to this, but I need the guy.” Hoseok stood up and went out of the room, holding the door open.

“I doubt he’d like you,” Hyungwon muttered in response as he walked through, glancing at the paintings in the hallway to return his focus to the current situation. The other man had just ruined something on purpose. Destroying an empty piece of paper for no reason and just throwing it through a room. Like a toddler. An angry toddler.

“How the fuck would you know that?” The man looked angry for the first time before just stopping in the middle of the hall and throwing his head back, looking at the ceiling. His fists were clenched and he breathed in and out repeatedly. Hyungwon felt just as frustrated and walked towards him, stopping right in front to show that he knew how to be close when it was fucking necessary to make a point.

“Because him and I agree on the fact that art helps you to understand surroundings and structure is what makes it understandable. Opposed to your destructive behaviour.”  
  
The other man lowered his head and opened the eyes, staring at him, expression absolutely unreadable, but breathing heavy and fast. Hoseok lifted one fist and kissed the thumb, eyes not leaving his and pressed the thumb against Hyungwon’s lips.  
  
“Shut up.”  
  
A couple of seconds passed and he removed the thumb, brushing past Hyungwon and walking towards the elevators without looking back once. Hyungwon felt like he had been constrained in place, limbs burning just like his lips and mind on overdrive. Not knowing what else to do he ran after the other man, throwing himself in front of him again, avoiding body contact.

“Feel free to disagree but I still need to show you the office Hoseok,” he said calmly, worried that one wrong word would make the other leave. He seemed like someone who would drop the project despite a contract and it scared Hyungwon. He couldn’t imagine a human being capable of doing that. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Go away.” Hoseok just pressed the button furiously. Hyungwon felt helpless, unsure what to do without touching the other man somehow. Words were meaningless. They always were.

“Please don't leave Hoseok. I’m sorry,” he tried again, eyes wide and body helplessly in front of the broader man who could have just pushed him away easily if he had wanted to.  
  
“Argh you’re driving me mad seriously.” He closed his eyes and waited for the sound of an elevator arriving, before going around Hyungwon and entering it. Not even thinking for a second the CEO followed, entering the elevator and leaning against the wall nervously. He really didn’t know what to do. He had never been in a situation like that. How was one supposed to break anger? He had only managed it a few times before.

“What do I have to do for you to stop feeling that way?” he asked carefully, watching the artist. He was beyond attractive, frustration and anger melting on his face into something powerful and breathtaking. Hyungwon wanted to draw it, but he had to solve the situation, breathing heavily from stress and inability to handle such situations.  
  
The muscular man sank down on the floor and threw his head back, closing his eyes and breathing in and out, not saying anything. The fear spiked up and Hyungwon came closer carefully, feeling more in control of the bodily contact with the other man’s emotional outburst. The sudden wish to touch the sea-like hair popped up in his head, but he bit his lip and sank down to the ground as well, placing his hand on the other’s arm instead.

“Hoseok?”  
  
“God, what do you want from me?” The other kept his eyes closed, but his muscles tensed at the contact.

“Can I touch your hair?”

Hyungwon gasped at his own words, eyes too focused on the other man’s face and proximity. The soft strands were falling over his forehead and framing his pale face with the contrasting blue color. It was breathtaking and Hyungwon wanted to touch it. To stroke over the hair and face to perceive on more levels than one. He turned to the side but it was too late, he had said the words and would have to deal with the consequences. His outbursts always had consequences, be it a tattoo, a kiss or a lost friendship.  
  
The brown eyes looked at him, mouth slightly open and breaths escaping it every now and then. Hyungwon saw it from the corner of his eyes, but didn’t dare to look up, just staring at the other man’s lips instead, using them to focus and to calm his breathing. His fingers itched to press down in a rhythm but he fought it, biting his lip instead.

 _Get a grip Hyungwon._  
  
“Touch it.” The low voice ripped through the sound of doors closing.

Hyungwon sucked in a breath, disbelieving that the current situation was really happening. It felt more like a parallel reality to his usual life, completely out of order and following none of the usual lines of his day. None of the items were on his daily to do list, but still he wished to touch the other man’s hair.

So he did.

His right hand remained on the artist’s arm as the left reached for the soft hair, sliding over the other man’s head and silky strands running through the spaces between his fingers like water. He bit his lip and forgot to breath out, fascinated by the sight and by how it remained the same. It felt like a deja vu, fingers tingling at the sensation and unbearable wish to kiss the other man clouding his mind. It was exactly the same. The same emotions he had tried to express in the portrait. The reaction that his face and the sensation evoked in him. It was like the beach, not only visually but also tangibly. It was overwhelming.  
  
The muscles tensed against his fingers repeatedly, while Hoseok bit down on his lower lip and closed his eyes. Hyungwon watched his face, curling his hand and pulling lightly, wishing he had paper and could have drawn the contrast of his hand and the other man’s hair and face. The blood pumped through his body and throbbed in his ears, giving up on words and just following his actions. It was so much easier. His right hand slid up Hoseok’s arm and reached up to place a strand behind the other man’s ear, caressing along the shoulder and upper arm to return to its previous position. Hoseok opened his eyes, gaze gliding over his face to his neck and down on the hand that was resting on his arm, before looking up and chewing on his lip again.

Hyungwon wanted to kiss him.

He hissed, lower lip still sucked between his teeth and let his left hand loosen, strands flowing past his fingers softly and making his fingertips tingle. Watching Hoseok’s face and expression he let it wander to the other man’s chin and lifted it before leaning forward immediately, closing the distance.

It felt the same. Exactly the same. The same feeling he had wished to feel after drawing it at 6 in the morning at the beautiful man’s tattoo studio.

_He lets you feel something before it even happens, Hyungwon._

_He makes you want to draw._

 

***

 

“Art is the triumph over chaos,” the ridiculously hot CEO said, and if Hoseok had been kind of infatuated before, something inside him started burning like a fucking volcano after those words. He took the paper Hyungwon pulled out of the shelf and folded a paper plane.  
  
_This will be a shitshow, oh god._  
  
“Art is not what I create, what I create is chaos.” The plane flew in a perfect angle, hitting the wall behind the shocked man. Well, he could be surprised, but he kind of lost his shit instead, wanting to leave immediately. Hoseok just wanted the contact information, he didn’t want to have any discussion with the stuck up human next to him, which he articulated, for the twentieth time already.

“I doubt he'll like you.”

_What?_

How the fuck would the dick head know? Hoseok was frustrated beyond belief, muscles tensing and the wish to punch a wall prominent. 

Destructive behaviour. He said Hoseok would show destructive behaviour. Just like his professor in the third year, telling him he wasn't able to create, only to destroy. He opened his eyes and saw the face in front of him, features soft but words ripping his lungs apart.

His insides were boiling, the wish to throw the other man against a wall tingling at his fingertips, mind clouded and the red mouth in front of him. He kissed his thumb and pressed it against the other man's lips. Why did he do it? For the other to shut up? No idea, but he needed to leave, immediately.

Walking up to the elevator the black-haired man threw himself in front of him. Won had to leave, he had to leave Hoseok the fuck alone. The wish to pin the thin body against a wall and scare him was clouding his mind. The adrenaline needed time to disappear from his veins, and he had to start thinking properly, but everything was in vain, the other just entered the fucking elevator and started being gentle and sorry.

What the fuck?

_Why can't you control your body Hoseok? Just calm the fuck down, he just said it, just like that, it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't mean anything._

He sank down on the floor hoping the black-haired man would finally leave, but he didn't. He felt a hand on his arm, his body reacted immediately, muscles tensing and mind trying to give a signal, to push him away, to make him leave.

“Can I touch your hair?”

He wanted to breathe, to calm down from his volcano trip, to think clearly, to stand up and say that everything was fine and that he'd come another time. What the fuck was going on? He felt like entering a drug related delirium, reality slowly sliding away under his fingertips, fluid and impossible to grab. He felt caught in a situation, impossible to escape with the resources he had.

“Touch it.”

Why did he say that? He wanted to disappear in the foggy realms of his mind and the strangely beautiful face, leaning way too close to his. Long fingers raked through his hair, sensations impossible to suppress, his whole body started burning, tiny fireworks exploding in his mind and muscles flexing at the attempt to stay still.

_What is happening Hoseok? You're dreaming aren't you?_

Maybe he was but it felt so real. The fingers felt so real touching his skin although the other had only asked to touch his hair. Hoseok licked over his lips, biting down on the bottom one, mesmerized by the expression on the other man's face, so strangely familiar.

Why was it familiar?

The fingers grabbed his chin and lifted it up, soft warm lips pressing against his. He had felt it once, a deja vu, so vivid, it tingled like the tattoo on his back, ink and water melting together in a kiss. It seemed like a drug induced dream, but he didn't want it to end, it felt too good. His hand went behind the other man's head and pressed lightly to feel more of the kiss, his mouth moved along the hot plump lips, trying to feel every cell, his body was almost trembling from all the adrenaline and the tension sucking up every sensation, as if his life depended on it. His hand raked through the black hair, Won smelled like cherry wood.

The other man let his left hand sink lower until it rested on Hoseok’s chest and pushed against it, attempting to break the kiss and step away. The hand on Hoseok’s arm remained as Won took a deep breath and looked around, eyes jumping from one spot to the next as if he only now became aware of his surroundings.

“T-the elevator arrived. Let's get out,” he murmured and stood up, hand finally leaving Hoseok’s arm and turning to the opening doors of the elevator.

Hoseok stared at the way the exit appeared and jumped up in one go, heart beating like a fucking drum solo, head trying to process what the fuck just happened.

_You made out with the CIRCLE CEO in an elevator. He felt like the tattoo on your back and smelled like cherry wood. Maybe you have hallucinations Hoseok? You shouldn't have smoked weed before turning 18._

He walked out, still out of it, breathing heavily but silently hoping it wasn't that visible. Someone grabbed his arm, turning him around and he was met with Kyungsoo’s deer eyes, looking confused.

“Is everything alright Hoseok? Did something happen?” he asked and turned towards Won who also left the elevator, expression passive and unfocused. The CEO pulled at his turtleneck sleeves to pull them over his knuckles and stopped in front of them.

“No. I'm on my way. I'll come over later. Maybe you can show me the office.” He tried to sound nonchalant but it was an epic fail considering his hot cheeks and breathing like a marathon runner, coming out of an elevator.

Yeah.

“No, I'll show him. I'm sorry Hoseok. I'm not sure what I said but I had no intention of upsetting you. Please forgive me,” Won answered for Kyungsoo as he gave the secretary a stern look. The CEO’s face remained calm and he crossed his hands in front of his chest, playing with the fingers.

Hoseok fought with the reflex to run away, shaking his head while looking at Kyungsoo, hoping he'd save him. Fuck he didn't want to be alone with Won. It was level 9000 kindergarten behaviour but he couldn't help, fuck he was a afraid of himself for spacing out and kissing a random dude in the elevator.

_It would've been okay if it was a random dude, Hoseok._

The secretary stared at him for a few seconds, eyes large and a little intimidating before he turned to his boss and smiled, form heart shaped.

“Don't worry Mr. Chae. I am sure that Mr.Shin will feel comfortable in the office and I will do my best to explain the arrangement of the paintings to him. For now I think it is best to let him retreat and get some rest.” He nodded at Hoseok and stepped away a little, hinting at his intention to let him leave in peace. The CEO just remained standing where he was.

“Have you forgiven me?” Won asked as if he hadn't really listened to Kyungsoo’s words.

_Oh god why can't he just go away._

“Go away, Won.” Hoseok looked at the ceiling trying to gather his resources back. He should've thought about it before throwing them all around the fucking elevator.

The other man bit his plump lower lip and stepped closer, staring at an unclear spot on his face.

“No. Answer me. Have you forgiven me? I don't want to let you leave with a misunderstanding.”

Kyungsoo’s lips parted at the words, slight understanding dawning on his face and he looked back and forth between the two of them.

“No I haven't, why are you like this to me seriously?” What the fuck was that situation anyway, he just wanted to leave for fuck’s sake and not be confronted with those red lips and the tight turtleneck. That was the problem with lust, it just stayed until you fucked the other persons brains out.

“What do I need to do so you forgive me?” the other asked, frowning slightly, crossing his arms and chewing on his cheek.

_Undress._

_No Hoseok. Just no._

“Argh, just show me the fucking office and let me live.” Hoseok huffed trying not to look at the other man.

“Okay, let's go,” the CEO answered and his facial features softened. “Thank you for your help Kyungsoo but it won't be necessary, just prepare my drawing materials for tonight please.” Although the words were for the secretary he didn't even look at him, gaze focused on a spot above Hoseok’s eyes and waiting for him to follow.

He felt like a prisoner of his own thoughts and the weirdly intimidating man walking next to him. How the fuck did he end up there? He just wanted to see the office and go home but got an opium-like experience of every fucking thing his body was able to perceive on the floor of an elevator. With the CEO. What the actual fuck?

_Help._

Won walked to the elevator again, pressing the button and pulling at his turtleneck. He seemed uncomfortable but just watched the wall as if it was fascinating for some reason.

_No, not the elevator._

He felt a little traumatized but tried to calm down by making the other talk.

“Is the making out in the elevator some kind of Onboarding welcome present you do here?” Hoseok looked at the other man's face for the first time since the kiss.

The other man snapped out of his very intense scrutinizing of the wall and turned towards him, frowning a little and confusion apparent in his large eyes.

“No. I have never kissed an employee before. Are there companies that do such a thing?”

_Just stab yourself in the eye with a pencil and pretend you have to go to the hospital and never come back._

“Why did you kiss me then? And touched me?” He tilted his head to get a better look at the others facial expressions. “Although you only asked if you could touch my hair. Just saying.” Hoseok smirked.

Won remained completely calm as if the question didn't make him uncomfortable at all. He looked in thought for a few seconds.

“Your hair is beautiful and reminds me of something so I wanted to touch it. Kissing you hadn't been intended but it seemed like the right thing to do.” The doors of the elevator opened and he entered, indicating with his eyes for Hoseok to follow.

“Fuck my life. Why can't you just say it was a mistake or something? I don't know, something that makes sense.” He felt kind of angry for no particular reason. Walking into the elevator he propped himself against the handle and leaned back, throwing his head back to stare at the mirrored ceiling. The other just remained where he was, pressing the button number eight and standing still until the arriving bell rang and the doors opened. The CEO had completely ignored Hoseok’s reply and just stepped out of the elevator, going somewhere.

Arriving in front of a door Won let a key card slide along the reader and stepped inside. Looking around quickly the CEO stepped to the side to reveal a spacious office with various impressionist paintings covering the walls. There was a large desk and several cupboards in addition to a huge couch in the middle, standing on a carpet that had a mixture of rose and light brown tones, as if adjusted to fit the paintings on the walls.

_Yeah Hoseok, now you only need to sit down, put your feet on the table and scream at people to bring you better results and to use synergies. Whatever that means._

“Will I get a hot secretary too? One that looks like you so I can live out my fantasies properly?” Hoseok asked while walking around and looking at the paintings.

The other man froze in his current attempt at walking over to a painting, staring at him.

“What?”

_Bingo._

“Yeah, a hot secretary, who looks like you.” Hoseok smirked and continued walking, moving his body smoothly from one painting to the next. “You can't kiss people just like that and not deal with the consequences. It's irresponsible,” he added.

Won took a deep breath and appeared in thought again, focusing on a spot above Hoseok’s eyes, maybe his hair.

“What are the consequences? You need a secretary? But you are just going to draw aren't you?” The confusion was apparent. “What fantasies? That's not really in a secretary's job description.”

“Oh god how do you even get laid like that? Your looks can't be the only thing right? Do you even get laid? Ah never mind.” Hoseok groaned in frustration.

The other laughed.

“I get laid a lot Hoseok, but thank you for your concern. I understand now. You want a secretary to fuck? I will have to disappoint you, you should get a prostitute for that. They can even dress up for you,” he answered calmly and turned back to the painting, mustering it intently.

_He just doesn't get anything you're saying. What are you even doing at this point? Just forget everything and go home._

“Okay I'm going. I'm really tired of fighting the urge to throw you against the wall. Bye.” Hoseok turned around and walked towards the door. The CEO ran after him almost immediately, throwing himself in front of the door again.

“Wait! What did I do this time? I don't understand but will throwing me against the wall calm you down? You confuse the shit out of me.”

_This is torture Hoseok, the spaghetti monster sent the guy to annoy your atheistic ass._

“You're driving me so mad, why did I sign up for this? Fuck my life.” He tried to reach the door, preferably without touching the other man's body. The mixture of adrenaline and sexual hormones was absolutely enough to last him for the next three weeks.

“I’m sorry. I just don't understand why you are directing all this sexual frustration at me. Is that your indirect way of telling me that you want to have sex with me?” Won asked, blocking the door handle and eyes a little wider than usual. “I don't understand cryptic words. They mean nothing to me.”

_Did he just tell you that you're sexually frustrated?_

_And asked whether you want to have sex with him?_

“You don't understand? Then stay in the dark darling.” Hoseok fucked every social norm he didn't even care about in the first place and pressed his body against the other man's, curling an arm around him and reaching for the handle.

“Can’t you just say yes or no instead of sending me mixed signals,” the CEO hissed, hands immediately grabbing Hoseok’s waist to remain stable. The other’s eyes were intense and focused on his face this time, lip sucked into his mouth and pupils a little wider than they were before. The arms tightened around his waist further. “I will only let you go if we are good.”

_Shit. Holy fucking shit._

Hoseok leaned in and caught the plump bottom lip with his teeth, sucking it before letting go and leaning back.

“And now go away.” His low voice sounded hollow mixed with his heartbeat and the blood rushing everywhere. Won stared at him, licking over the bottom lip that Hoseok had caught with his own and stepping to the side. He didn't say a word, just standing at the corner of the office and held a key card in his direction.

Hoseok pulled the card out of the long fingers and walked out towards the elevator. Where the fuck was the elevator? Shit.

_Amazing you kiss rape him and tell him to fuck off and then you don't even know how to leave the fucking building._

Waking back to the office he sighed while looking up to the other man's face.

“Sorry, it was supposed to be a cool leave but I have no idea how to get out of here. Gosh.”

Won was still standing exactly where Hoseok had left him, staring into space and holding his left upper arm with the fingers of his right hand, pressing down in a pattern. He didn't react to Hoseok’s words.

“Sorry for kiss-raping you. My body just, yeah excuses. Either way, could you show me the way out?” The other looked so damn hot, Hoseok wanted to shoot himself in the eye to not be forced to think about the way those lips felt and how the other smelled like cherry wood. Hoseok loved cherry wood.

Suddenly Won looked up, surprise passing his eyes as he walked towards Hoseok and pushed against his chest until his back hit the door. Grinning shortly the other man pressed his lips against Hoseok’s, licking over his lower lip with the warm tongue and curling his arm around Hoseok’s waist.

_What is this Hoseok? It's ridiculous._

He placed his hands around the thin waist and kissed back, licking inside the other man's mouth, tension tingling all over his body, wish to feel more messing with his mind. His hand went up and raked through the black hair while his mouth was sucking on the plump lip, breathing heavily. Won gasped into his mouth as a reaction to Hoseok grabbing his hair and pulled their hips together, bodily reactions obvious. He grinned against Hoseok’s mouth and bit down on his lower lip, intensifying the kiss, making it rougher.

_Holy mother of god. How can a CEO with a huge stick up his arse be that person that presses his crotch against yours after meeting you for a second time, in his company building, in a matter of seconds._

Yes it was kind of weird, but shit he wanted it, his hips pushed forward and his head moved down, sucking on the other man's earlobe and hating the turtleneck for not giving access to the neck, pulling it down a little and sinking his teeth into the skin that smelled so good, it was intoxicating. The black-haired personification of his wet dreams let his hands roam lower, reaching his ass and pulling it towards his lower body again. Gasping against Hoseok’s skin he buried the other hand in his blue hair, pulling it to keep him attached to the other man's neck. He must have liked it.

_Shit. What is he so hot for?_

Hoseok tightened the grip on the other man's waist and turned them around, wanting to feel more and pressing Won’s body against the wall next to the door, hand sliding up and down his thin waist. Shit he wanted him. A lot.

“You're so hot, holy fuck,” he groaned against the smooth skin, before lifting his head and licking over the plump lips, rolling his hips into the body that he had pressed against the wall.

“Fuck,” the other man hissed and attempted to push his lower body into Hoseok’s, thereby increasing the friction and throwing his head back, hand remaining in Hoseok’s hair and pulling him closer. Won clashed their lips together, sucking on his tongue before letting go and exhaling harshly, air hitting Hoseok’s face.

He licked his lips repeatedly, hands holding onto the thin waist, breathing heavily and being hard as fuck. It was as if two different people were living inside the other man's body. The annoying, confusing, stuck up one, and the one who touched your hair, kissed you in an elevator in his own company building and pushed his hips against yours, making you hard and bothered.

The other man kept a few centimetres between their mouths and bit down on his lower lip, pupils blown and gaze focused on Hoseok’s eyes, sliding down to his mouth and returning to his eyes again. It was dead quiet in the office, only the sounds of their breaths echoing around them.

_Inhibitions? Bye._

Hoseok went for that addicting mouth again, both arms curling around the thin body and pressing him impossibly close. Shit, the other man was so fucking hot it was impossible to handle. The black hair was a little messy because of Hoseok’s hands and the way Won’s body reacted to everything he did was outworldly.

The other curled a leg around Hoseok’s knee and thereby pushed it between his own legs, hissing at the contact and breathing into his mouth. He pulled at Hoseok’s blonde-blue strands again, forcing him closer and nibbling on his neck and the fluent transition to his shoulder.

_Oh god. Amazing Hoseok, now you want to fuck him. So much to avoiding triggers._

He bit down on his lip forcefully and leaned back a little. Trying not to look at the mesmerizing state the other was in.

_Just tell him you need to go and fuck off._

“I- I really need to go. Fuck. I don't want to because you're so fucking hot. Argh.” He rolled his hips again for no fucking reason. He needed to control himself better.

_That went well._

Hoseok caught the other man's lips again, why was it so hard to just leave? Yes, sexual tension was hard to handle but he'd just jerk off at home and everything would be fine, why did he have to make it so much more difficult?

Won paused his movements after exhaling into Hoseok’s face at the hip roll. He stared into his eyes like he was looking for something. Then he sighed.

“I’m guessing you consider this a bad idea and therefore wish to leave? Alright,” he murmured and removed his leg and his hands from Hoseok’s body, but he was still being pressed into a wall by his muscle mass and therefore remained in position.

_Do you consider it a bad idea Hoseok? Is it a bad idea? You don't even know what he wants._

“What do you want?” he asked, chest and hips still pressing the other man against the wall.

“To kiss you senseless,” Won replied, smirking a little before he glanced towards the large windows across from them. “But it's also daylight and I'm neglecting my work. Making out with my new employee in his office instead.”

“Which is the best thing you've done since we've met.” He stepped back, giving the other man space to move away. “I wanted you to show me the exit, but this was undoubtedly the better choice.” Hoseok smirked back and walked towards the door opening it. “Still don't know how to get out so if you don't mind?”

The other man nodded, smirk neutralizing into a more passive expression and readjusted his jeans, pulling at the sleeves of his turtleneck again. After a quick brush over his hair to flatten it back into position he led the way.  


-  


Arriving at the tattoo studio, Shownu grinned at him, dancing around like a excited puppy.

“So did you get the picture?” he asked.

_Argh Hoseok! You dumb fuck. You went there for the pic and came with the hot guy’s teeth marks all over your neck. Fair enough._

_Worth it._

“I forgot it on his table. But I'll get it tomorrow in the evening. The CEO is hot,” he remarked without any emotion in his voice, remembering the strange feeling in the elevator while walking up to his work desk.

_It felt like three years ago, like this one time._

“What? I thought you didn't like him?” The other man looked surprised.

“Yeah, I don't like him when he talks. But he's fucking hot, fuck my life.” Hoseok remembered the dilated pupils and the red lips, slightly open. Damn, it was a bad idea to get hard considering he didn't even have time to get off properly.

“Don't fuck your company Hoseok, it's a rule.” The other man was cute, talking about rules and all that buzz Hoseok couldn't care less about. But he should definitely stay away from Won. The way he acted was unpredictable and he got him out of his comfort zone way too fast.

_Don't be that idiot again, Hoseok._

He wouldn't and he was absolutely proud of himself for being able to stop. Although it had been hard. Really hard. The other man was exactly his type apart from all the mad talking and confusing behaviour, but he perfectly understood the other man's erection pressing against his thigh and the low moans that caressed his ears.

_Yeah stay away Hoseok. You were able to stop once, but you don't know whether you'll be able to stop a second time._

He had never really been able to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look good. I love your hair, the way it’s still the same, makes me think that everything is like before.”

His new employee had superb kissing skills but also unpredictable mood swings. It wasn't unusual that Hyungwon ended up upsetting or angering people when they didn't know him too well, accidentally saying something offensive. But Hoseok was a volcano just waiting to erupt. Not even once had a person that was upset with him cowered in the elevator and attempted to avoid him, repeatedly requesting him to leave and eventually taking his self control.

The lack of self control wasn't really the artist’s fault, but if they hadn't met three years ago Hyungwon would have stood his ground instead of cracking and kissing him.

_You're an idiot for losing control like that._

Hyungwon hated it. The unpredictable actions of the other man had made him uncomfortable, forcing his basic instincts to turn on and act on sudden wishes.

_Like touching his hair and lips._

However, it had been worth it and the way the other man's hair had felt between his fingertips was difficult to forget. The contact had made him yearn to draw it, different angles and different facial expressions. Hoseok was exactly his type and mixed signals had always been hard to read for him. Usually he only knew that another man was interested in him when they pushed their tongue into his mouth. As luck would have it the tattoo artist had mercy on him, eventually doing exactly that and thereby overcoming some of Hyungwon's inhibitions. Once he knew that someone was interested and he was too, there wasn't much stopping him anymore.

_Just that he left you alone right after and you hated him a little because you wanted to push him against a wall and ravish his mouth._

Hyungwon sighed at the memory and placed another contract to the side before ripping it in tiny shreds as he didn't need it anymore. When Hoseok had left, his body had been burning from arousal. There was no doubt that he had needed something to release the pressure in his groin and luckily Minhyuk was always there when Hyungwon needed him. The sweet man visited with a cheerful smile and beautiful skin, taking the pressure of Hyungwon and benefiting himself in the process.

Opposed to Minhyuk’s straight-forwardness Hoseok had pussied out and requested to be led out of the building and since it wasn't a flight response Hyungwon had let him. It was just rather frustrating that he would interrupt something like that without a finish. It had felt incomplete. Hyungwon would have liked to feel more of that hair but he could also live without it. He wasn’t all that desperate.

The whole thing had happened yesterday and still Hyungwon had the other man's face in front of his mental eye, angles so clear that he wanted to draw them, to engrave them permanently onto paper. He had already filled several papers with the other's features but it hadn't been enough. Luckily he had calmed himself down after his emotional outburst in the elevator by engaging in meaningless kissing afterwards. The way he had overreacted must have been erased from the other man's mind that way, replaced by sexual actions that didn't involve tender strokes through his hair. It was always smart to cover a little glitch in control with meaningless sexual frenzies.

Kyungsoo had still not really recovered from whatever happened, asking slightly different questions, and throwing Hyungwon funny looks. For example he attempted to offer him the turtleneck again although the CEO fucking hated clothes like that. Maybe Kyungsoo had seen them in the elevator or felt confused by Hoseok’s sexed up look when the two of them had left the artist's new office?

But in general Hyungwon didn't really care, Kyungsoo would get over it and things would return back to the way they were supposed to be. Although the artist kept having an effect on him, as long as he didn't lose his rational thinking he was fine with any kind of contact. Unfortunately Hoseok’s face and hair were otherworldly and he wanted to draw him. The phone call he had with Jin in the evening only made everything worse, as he had been unable to explain his infatuation with hair strands. But his brother didn't have to understand and Hyungwon wouldn't try to make him.

“Mr. Chae?” Kyungsoo’s careful voice ripped him out of his thoughts. He just glanced at the other man, standing between the door and the frame, waiting for allowance to enter.

“Mr. Shin has just entered the building and requested to see you. I would bring him up to your office. Is that alright?” his secretary asked as he remained behind the door.

Hyungwon nodded, listening to his office door close quietly and stretching out his fingers shortly, curling them one after the other.

_Why is he back already? He seemed like he would have preferred to avoid you until the end of time unless you were touching his lips._

Hyungwon sighed again and glanced at his collection of drawings, most of them Hoseok with various facial expressions and different illumination, thereby showing various reflections of light in his hair. It was a tiny bit obsessive but Hyungwon always showed extreme fascination with one thing at a time. This time it was the tattoo artist that had permanently engraved his emotions into the tanned skin of his shoulder. He pushed the drawings to the side and took a glance around the office, wondering how to replace his t-shirt. Not finding anything he just threw the leather jacket on top and sat back down in his chair, reading through one of the newer proposals for designs.

_Just say that it’s cold in case he asks._

Hoseok didn't even bother to knock this time, walking in and looking hot. Hyungwon's knuckles tingled at the invasion of his private space without prior announcement and he couldn’t help a short spike of anger. It was a real challenge to remain composed around the artist.

“I forgot the picture, it was actually the reason why I was there yesterday.” Hoseok smiled to himself and stopped in front of his desk.

“You left it on my desk,” Hyungwon replied calmly as he tried to remember where he placed it. He had drawn several pictures of Hoseok and all of them had the beautiful combination of the blue sea and sand. It would have been easy to throw them all on the drawing pile without differentiating the one that belonged to the tattooist. He glanced towards the right at the pile of drawings. All edges were the same, taken care of and new. From the outer appearance alone he wouldn't be able to find the right one. Damn.

“Uhm how many pictures of me do you have?” The other man stared at him, eyes widened and mouth slightly opened.

_Oh fuck, he saw. Good luck explaining away your obsessive drawing._

“A...few,” Hyungwon murmured in reply, pronouncing carefully and sliding his hand over the table to the drawings, turning them around. He should have done that in the first place before making himself appear even stranger than he already was. “When will you begin drawing?”

“After you give me the picture. Can I see the others too?” Hoseok asked, voice becoming soft. “Please?”

Hyungwon couldn't help the adrenaline that released into his bloodstream, unsure whether the works of art were good enough to show anybody. But they were supposed to be someone else's and he had no excuse to keep them hidden unless he wanted to appear even more unnecessarily obsessive. He nodded and lifted the bunch of eight drawings, handing it to Hoseok, still uncomfortable and heart beating furiously.

The other sat down on the chair made of dark wood across from his desk and started looking at the drawings one by one, eyes jumping from one detail to the next, examining everything thoroughly, until he took the last drawing. A beautiful smile graced his face for no obvious reason, as he seemed in thought. The desire to drop everything and draw it spread through Hyungwon's hands but he pushed it back. Nevertheless he couldn't resist the urge to know which one left such an impression on him.

“Is something special about the last one?”

Hoseok looked up, smile still in place.

“It just makes me happy that someone sees me like that. Also that this person still draws. It's amazing.”

_Like what?_

“What do you mean by ‘like that’? It's exactly the impression that you create,” Hyungwon replied, unable to imagine a different interpretation of Hoseok’s being. It had sounded like the artist would have drawn himself differently.

“You're funny.” Hoseok looked up at him, catching his gaze before continuing. “I probably also see you in a different light compared to the way your secretary, or your mom sees you, isn't it right? Also the way a person feels leaves a stamp on the art, that's why all of them are so different although they seem to look the same.” He pointed at the pictures in his lap.

Hyungwon thought about the other's words for a few seconds, trying to imagine how other people perceived him.

“But there are certain core aspects of a personality that everyone perceives. I think if all of us would have the exact same information on a person we would have the same opinion. From the same input it's impossible to draw different conclusions, unless the people let their own personalities influence the judgment.” He crossed his legs and let the leather jacket fall off his right arm, purposefully leaving the left one covered, hot but unwilling to reveal his tattoo.

Hoseok lifted his eyebrows in surprise, putting the pictures on the wooden surface in front of him.

“If a person was a vacuum yes, but your personality influences the way your brain processes the input, which is why there is no core. The core is something every person decides for themselves. For me it might be something else than for your secretary.” Hoseok took off his leather jacket, remaining in his black shirt, tattoo outlines peeking from under the sleeve. Hyungwon couldn't help but frown at the other man's conclusion, eyes avoiding the direct gaze and focusing on the painting behind the artist instead.

“But wouldn't that be like tainting the truth? There are all those qualities to a person or an object, but because of personal emotions and character traits you choose to ignore some of them. Wouldn't that be like erasing parts of an artwork because of personal taste? Like removing a part of the complexity of the drawing behind you because my personality concludes it to be meaningless. It would be like a lie.”

“But your brain does it all the time because we are simply not able to perceive everything. You filter, your brain filters and the person who drew me filters, which makes it so interesting, because it's different. It's me through his eyes.” Hoseok took the last picture again and smiled. “He is really talented. He is able to draw a feeling before he experiences it.” He paused. “Wow, that sounded a little sappy, but it's true. He is able to put an outline of a specific, individual emotion and sensory perception into a drawing. Exceptional.” The artist looked so out of it, eyes directed at the ceiling, as if remembering something.

_You never filter, Hyungwon. You just see a wild collection of details and single entities and constantly try to organize them into a whole, unable to recognize the grand picture._

He swallowed and glanced at the soft blue strands, urge to touch as strong as ever.

“Maybe you are just capable of making him feel that emotion before it happens, drawing it and yearning to find out if he got it right afterwards,” he whispered, hand drawing a pattern on his thigh and eyes remaining fixed on Hoseok’s hair.

“What did he tell you about me?” Hoseok’s eyes narrowed and he leaned in, observing his face intently.

_Be more careful, Hyungwon. You’re the one he’s complimenting but you don't want him to know._

“He just said that you took him out of an artistic slump and left an impression. That you tattooed emotions on his arm that he cannot be without. The tattoo was the most beautiful artwork that I have ever encountered,” he replied, mixing the truth into someone else's perspective.

The artist just stared before taking the pictures.

“Can I have them?”

_He keeps stealing your emotions and you willingly let him._

“Yes. Please take good care of them.“

“You bet I will.” Hoseok stood up taking the pile and walked out of the door without saying goodbye. How the other man failed to prepare Hyungwon for his sudden actions was beyond his comprehension. The CEO also left suddenly, but only when the conversation felt finished to him. This time it hadn't. He had been suddenly forced to part with his attempts at making sense of Hoseok and his personality and felt absolutely lost without the artwork to guide him.

_You really need art to make sense of the world and once the art is gone so is your comprehension._

_

 

Hyungwon was impressed at both Hoseok and also his ability to avoid him. As he was rather busy he spent most of the time in his office or in meetings, discussing artwork and new fashion lines, recruiting new artists and drawing for his personal pleasure. The tattoo artist on the other hand preferred solitude and Hyungwon only knew about him coming in at all through the secretary keeping him updated. Kyungsoo was very dedicated and often stayed way beyond working hours, offering him coffee and his services. The explanation had always been that no one waited for him at home and the argument appeared very reasonable to Hyungwon. There was also no one waiting for him at home, especially since he had begun to live on his own and left everything that had been pleasantly familiar.

The regular schedules remained and the organization that Hoseok had thrown overboard with his ambivalent behaviour had returned and calmed him down. Most of his drawings were still Hoseok but he had the ability to focus on the more relevant parts of his life, separating them from the emotions. On Mondays and Thursdays he met up with Minhyuk. On Saturdays he ate with Jin, enjoying his brother's wife's cooking and on Wednesdays he visited his parents, getting fed as usual and reprimanded for his social awkwardness. It felt pleasant to live through the organized plan, following the to do list that Kyungsoo prepared and letting a completely crossed out one land in the rubbish each evening, reminding him of a successful day.

It was 11PM and he was sitting at his desk, trying something rather different. He had always done pencil drawings of the other man, always detailed and sometimes only revealing partial aspects of his face, but this time he wished to express the anger he saw. Straight pencil lines weren't sufficient to convey it. They were too organized and too clear. They felt like they enabled Hyungwon to capture the waves that were Hoseok but they didn't do him justice. He either had to let go of the pencil cage or to accept an inaccurate representation of the emotion.

The answer was simple. He would have to paint.

Standing up and placing the pencils in the respective jar and returning said jar to its position on the shelf, Hyungwon considered a dotted painting. He wanted it to be cryptic, impressionistic in its nature and just capturing the short burst of anger as Hoseok let the paper plane fly in the material room.

_What if it's still there, Hyungwon?_

His heart skipped a beat and he almost forgot to breathe, adrenaline rushing through his blood and forcing him to get up immediately, leaving the office without another word and pressing the button on the elevator. He would have to check and remove it. It didn't belong there and the fact that Hyungwon had forgotten made him impossibly uncomfortable. He would remove the paper plane and get painting materials.

_Reestablish order._

The elevator was quick, building empty and therefore no one present to request its services. Hyungwon entered quickly, pressing the button with the number eight and waiting for the pressuring feeling in his stomach, unpleasant but unavoidable. Arriving with a bell he walked to the material room hurriedly, opening it and taking a look around. The paintings were still in their previous arrangement, depicting artists at work, colours mixed and fitting the mass of colourful materials on the shelves. There was no paper plane in sight.

Still Hyungwon felt uncomfortable. He looked around some more, glancing under every shelf until he felt sure that the paper had been removed. One of his workers must have done that, establishing order without any explicit request.

Hyungwon breathed out, most of the tension leaving him with the exhale and he glanced around again, watching the combination of purple and blue drawing paper at the side. He needed the acrylic colours though, something intense and fitting to the outburst he wished to draw.

_You could take another glance at your impressionism collection._

Hyungwon loved doing that, walking through the hallways and simply enjoying the art he had collected. If he intended on using a style he wanted to remember it in all its glory and detail, experience its historic development and how it ended up to be what it was today. The tattoo artist occupied the office with the collection, but luckily no one was present at this time of night and Hyungwon was able to enjoy to the fullest, without any major disturbances. Walking along the hallway and examining every artwork excruciatingly he smiled, eyes jumping from detail to detail, attempting to make sense of the combination of strokes, struggling until finally they created a whole picture, be it a hand, a twig, a mythological being, a woman or a man.

He pulled his t-shirt further into his pants and turned around the corner. It was almost pitch dark but that made the brighter pictures far more interesting. The white parts stood out so much more, increasing the contrast and revealing collections of details that Hyungwon was able to focus on. He walked along the assortment, taking a proper look at each work until his leg bumped into something on the ground. Terrified, he jumped back, glancing down at the black mass with red chucks below him, light coloured hair reflecting the minimal illumination like luminescent colour.

“What the fuck?” he murmured, confused at the presence of another man when he was the only one staying until shortly before midnight.

“Ah, it's you,” the low voice ripped through the silence, body at his feet shifting a little.

Hyungwon crouched down, trying to get used to the darkness and to identify the person in front of him. The blonde hair with blue edges made it easy, eyes staring at him and making him a little uncomfortable.

“Why are you sitting on the ground in the dark?” he asked eventually, focusing on the other's forehead and not understanding how the artist managed to break his routine right when he had gotten comfortable with it again. It was almost 10 PM.

“I'm drawing?” Hoseok asked without looking up and hand moving over the sheet of paper.

“In the dark? On the ground?” Hyungwon was beyond confused. How could he even see like that? He felt uncomfortable with the artist’s presence on the ground instead of his designated drawing location. “You have an office.”

“I can't draw there. It's okay to make out, but it's pretty useless otherwise. The hallway is perfect,” the man answered, not really paying attention to Hyungwon at all.

“But why did I give you an office then? My favourite one at that? Why do you like the hallways?” Hyungwon couldn't help asking, anger mixing with curiosity. The hallways were his favorite place too but he would have never considered drawing there. That's not what they were for.

_He makes no sense._

“Because you think it's amazing which it’s not. Not for me. If I want to draw, the floor it is.” Hoseok looked up for a split second, eyes sparkling in the dark.

It felt strange, kneeling in front of the other man as he was sitting on the ground and drawing. The darkness made everything less clear, contours hard to define. It took Hyungwon's desire to draw the man's anger, focusing on the softer and concentrated facial expression he had now. It reminded him of the intimacy and look on the face above him as the other had inked him.

“Do you dislike impressionism?” he asked. After all that was the main aspect of the office, light strokes and short special moments captured with a mixture of colours.

“No.” The other man was strange, not talking as much as he normally did.

“But? What's wrong with the office, Hoseok?”

The other put the paper on the ground and stared up.

“Why are you interested in whether I like the office? You should be interested in whether you can use the stuff I produce. Why are you so weird?” Hoseok sat up and crossed his legs. The proximity began to feel uncomfortable, especially in the dark, so Hyungwon slid away, adding several centimetres to the distance.

“Because I put a lot of thought and effort into every part of this building. I have no doubt in you being able to draw so I'm not asking about that. It's something personal.” He sighed and looked at the painting above them, it was dark and difficult to identify without illumination but he still knew what it was. “Everything is exactly where it belongs. Just you aren't.”

Hoseok leaned in, invading his personal space and staring at him.

“Want to put me on a shelf?” The voice was very low and sounded unfamiliar. Hyungwon slid even further back.

“No, you would never fit on a shelf. I can’t figure you out. That’s why I need art,” he replied, sitting down properly instead of crouching next to the other man. It felt weird to sit on the ground in his hallways but he hoped they wouldn’t be doing that for long. Stretching out his long legs, he leaned against the wall, eyes struggling to see in the dark.

“I have to fight against the immediate wish to do things you dislike. You like everything I hate.” The man with the sea hair threw his head back and sighed. His desire to ruin Hyungwon’s structure explained a lot of things. Maybe that’s why he threw the paper plane, ruining the clean arrangement of the material room.

“I don’t want anything except for art. Why are you drawing so late? Everyone is home, why aren’t you? Is drawing in the middle of the night your thing, finishing in the early morning hours?” Hyungwon couldn’t help the smile, remembering that it had also been early morning when Hoseok had finished his drawing and after some convincing tattooed it on his arm.

_Your arm that is mostly uncovered because you are wearing a fucking t-shirt you idiot._

Hyungwon sucked in a breath and looked to his shoulder, turning it a little to the side. Luckily his untattooed shoulder was next to the other man and there was no reason for him to stare. He really hadn’t expected Hoseok’s presence and hadn’t been careful, endangering his feeling of security and peace.

“You want art? Why are you sitting on the floor next to me then? I'm drawing in the night because I want to be alone and feel everything. I can't really do it if it's not dark. I have to tattoo all day too, so...Why are you here?” The man turned, such that he could face Hyungwon.

_Why are you, Hyungwon?_

Why didn’t he just go to the office as he wished, took a nice look at all the impressionistic paintings and picked up the materials he needed for painting? He could have. Meeting Hoseok threw him off guard, but the other man hadn’t demanded any interaction or wished for Hyungwon to remain, thereby distracting him from his previous goal. He had decided to do so himself instead of following his plan and painting. Painting Hoseok.

“I wanted to paint you, but a painting can never compare to the real thing,” he whispered, realization hitting him. Of course he hadn’t left. The exact person he had wanted to paint was sitting next to him and evoking very different emotions than the ones he had wished to recreate on a canvas. He couldn’t paint anger because he wasn’t feeling it. Hyungwon had never been able to paint something that he wasn’t experiencing himself, now wasn’t an exception.

“You want to paint me? Why?” It was dark but he felt the brown eyes sliding over his face, observing every single move. He stared into the empty darkness, avoiding the eye contact and letting his flat palm slide over his jeans, focusing on the sensation to calm himself down. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to talk about his wishes to paint the other man. He had forgotten that the previous drawings have not been handed to Hoseok under his own name, but under the alias of the man he had tattooed three years ago. Even if they were the same person.

“Because you are difficult to express and I keep trying. It doesn’t really matter. I am sorry for keeping you from drawing. After all that was your previous goal and I interrupted it.”

_Just leave and do what you wanted to do._

“Will you paint in your office? Let's go then.” Hoseok stood up and pulled him up by simply grabbing his wrist. Hyungwon jerked, unprepared for the sudden body contact. And generally unprepared.

_What?_

“W-what do you mean? What the hell are you doing, Hoseok?” he spluttered, trying to catch himself and eyes struggling to attach themselves to something calming, but all of the paintings surrounding them were too dark. Panic slipped upwards along his fingertips and his breathing pattern changed a little. What was going on?

The other man didn't let his hand go and merely looked at him.

“You will paint me, so do you do it in your office? I would drag you but I have no idea where I am to be honest.” Hoseok didn't loosen the grip even for a second. Hyungwon felt the blood leave his face at the tight ring of fingers around his wrist. He felt confused, but fought to remain rational and keep the panic at bay.

“We need the elevator. Yes, I paint in my office. The office is always where I paint. Every night. That’s what I do,” he just mumbled and grabbed Hoseok’s underarm in return, feeling more in control of the situation and hoping to calm himself down.

“Fine. Let's go then.” Hoseok intertwined their fingers and waited for him to move. Hyungwon’s breathing frequency increased and he just walked in the direction of the elevator, steps quick and sucking in air, holding it for a few seconds and releasing it slowly to get himself back to not giving a shit. The darkness made it even more difficult to deal with the unplanned proximity. He didn’t know the reason for the strange behaviour as the artist could have merely followed without body contact. Hyungwon had difficulties sorting it somewhere. Why was the other holding his hand?

As soon as they arrived at the elevator Hyungwon pressed the button furiously, hoping it would arrive quickly and Hoseok would let go of his hand, still intertwining their fingers and sending warmth through his skin. It confused him, awakening memories of the feeling of the other man’s waist, neck and hair. There was no reason to remember, as the situation wasn’t sexual as far as he could tell, but that made it even worse. He disliked body contact when it wasn’t sexual as it had no advantages, pressuring and uncomfortable instead. Why had Hoseok stopped drawing and wanted to go to the office for Hyungwon to paint? He didn’t even have the materials.

_The materials._

“Wait here,” he said quietly and tried to free his hand.

“You will run away, won't you?” Hoseok grinned at him. Hyungwon shook his head, breathing still irregular and pulling at the other man’s fingers to be released from the hold.

_You just need your materials. And a break._

“I need materials if I want to paint. Or do you want me to draw?” he asked, staring at the other man’s chest, black t-shirt and edges of his shoulders illuminated by the security light above the elevators. Why weren’t they turning on the light?

_It’s late, Hyungwon._

“What do you want to do?” Hoseok asked, keeping the fingers hooked. Hyungwon gave up, letting his arm hang limply at his side, constrained by the other’s steel grip. He glanced up, following the pattern of the black t-shirt to the face, taking a look at each eye, at the straight form of his nose, the way the corners of his mouth curled up. He needed something soft, a very soft pencil or watercolor.

“I need a B3 or watercolor,” he murmured eventually, still focused on Hoseok’s features and the way a single strand covered his right eye, interrupting the lines of the pupil. It disturbed him, so he lifted his free hand and pushed it aside, letting it rest behind the artist’s ear, revealing the pale face in all of its glory.

“Fine. Don't you have a B3? I have a B3.” Hoseok smiled and pulled a pencil out of his pocket. Hyungwon looked down at their intertwined hands again and just nodded, pressing the button of the elevator. The doors opened immediately. It had already arrived but he had been too out of it to realize. Hyungwon had to get to his office, immediately. The proximity made it impossible to concentrate.

It was strange.

Throughout the whole trip to the office the other man didn't let go of his hand. Stepping through the door after unlocking it with his key card Hyungwon turned around, staring at their hands intently and waiting for something to happen. It didn’t.

“Why have you not released my hand yet?” he asked eventually. It made no sense. There was no reason for the artist to hold onto him like that.  
  
“Mhm?” Hoseok looked at him in surprise before staring down at their hands. “Ah, oops.” He let the hand go and looked a little excited. “I really want to see you draw.” Then other man smiled. Hyungwon wasn’t sure what the thing about the transformation from something that had resembled annoyance to the genuine excitement on the artist’s face was about. He also couldn’t tell whether the unawareness of his attachment to Hyungwon’s wrist had been real or not. How could Hoseok not see that he had attempted to free himself?

_You need to cover your arm, Hyungwon._

“Why are you so excited?” he asked and quickly threw over a button-down he kept in the office nowadays but hadn’t required yet. Hyungwon left it open and took out a blank piece of paper, closing his eyes for a few seconds to focus on what he wanted to draw. Then he licked over his lips and turned to Hoseok. The lamp on his desk was enough illumination to see the pale man’s facial expression clearly.  
  
“Because I want to know. I want to know how you see me,” Hoseok answered and sat down on the couch this time. “You don’t need me to pose or something right?” Hyungwon shook his head.

“I don’t need your facial features because I know them by heart, in detail. I only require the feeling I want to express. I am still not sure about that.” He sighed and walked towards Hoseok, kneeling in front of him and staring at the other man’s face, examining his expression, what it could possibly mean, what it evoked in him as a reaction. The other man’s right eye was a little narrower than the left, curve in his upper lip prominent whereas the lower lip was completely smooth, beautifully pierced. He hadn’t focused on the piercing the last time they kissed. There was no memory of it and he couldn’t recollect what it had felt like. Why? He got closer and rested his hands on Hoseok’s thighs. The muscles tensed immediately, reacting to the touch.  
  
The artist’s eyes widened a little and his lips parted while he looked at his face and hands in succession.

Hyungwon wanted to kiss him again.

“I want to touch your hair,” he said with a smile, staring at the way Hoseok’s eyes switched back and forth. The way the blue and sand-color combined was so different up close, so different from his constant attempts at drawing it. He couldn’t do it justice. It was like drawing an undefined concept, something without a physical body. Like freedom. Like the tattoo on his shoulder.  
  
“Just touch it already if you need it to draw. It’s all yours.” Hoseok smiled at the comment and leaned in a little. Hyungwon didn’t hesitate, immediately letting his fingers trail along the mixture of blue and blonde, letting a few strands rest on his middle and index finger as he ran his thumb over them. He couldn’t explain his fascination. It was a mixture of a memory, an emotion and the inability to recreate it on paper.

“I never get your hair right,” he whispered and caressed along Hoseok’s neck, fingers spread and sinking into the silk-like hair again. “It’s constantly giving me the feeling of leaving the here and now. Something unreal. It doesn’t fit with the arrangement of reality at all. Why?” The other man stared down at him, not saying a word, before he closed his eyes slowly and leaned in a little more.

 _Does he want you to kiss him?_  
  
Hyungwon’s heartbeat sped up, and he sucked his lower lip into his mouth.

_Don’t kiss him. Draw the yearning, Hyungwon._

_Draw how much you want to kiss him._

 

***

 

Drawing was hard. It really was, he needed a specific mood and state of mind, which basically only appeared together at night, which was also the main reason for coming to the company only after 8PM, long after the last employee had left the building. Hoseok loved the empty hallways, beautiful pictures grazing the walls, every single spot in the long corridor giving him a different feeling due to the different artwork. He just drew in the hallway, although it was pretty dark and the light just went out randomly so that he had to stand up and move for the motion detector to turn it back on.  
  
He gave up after standing up and sitting down for a hundred times already, just drawing in the dark as the light was turned off after 10PM anyway. That was until the hot CEO almost ate shit because he stumbled over his stretched out legs. Hoseok didn’t see him coming because he had been busy thinking about the Kandinsky painting in the other man’s office.

The other was being weird, which wasn't surprising per se considering his awkward personality, but Won had wanted to paint him. Which was admittedly on a whole new level of strange. Hoseok was his employee, why would the other want to paint him? Was it also some kind of On-boarding thing? Like the making out in the elevator? And the office?

Yes. That had been the moment where Hoseok’s inhibitions said goodbye and he grabbed the CEO’s hand, wanting to see the other man drawing him. Like a creep.  
  
_Maybe he’s not as annoying if he wants to draw you._

The way Won kneeled in front of him, observing his face while having his hands on his thighs was a challenge. It really was. The other was so incredibly attractive, so strange, but also so handsome and unique. Hoseok didn’t know whether it was because it was so late, or because the other had said that he wanted to draw him.  
  
_You want to see what he thinks. About you._  
  
He wanted to understand how the other perceived him, he didn’t know Won was able to draw, or that he drew by himself. He was curious, curious and excited.  
  
His hair. The other man wanted to touch it. Hoseok didn’t get the infatuation, but he was willing to do whatever helped the art and gave the lifelong permission. Of course he wasn’t prepared for the long fingers touching it, stroking along the skin of his neck, leaving tingling trails, wish to lean in more unbearable. He closed his eyes, concentrating on every sensation and followed the urge by leaning forward. Light fingertips appeared on his forehead, the line of his neck, his shoulder and arm, before it disappeared. Hoseok almost whined at the loss but caught himself right before it got embarrassing.  
  
Won went to his desk and started drawing, not paying attention to anything else. Hoseok really wanted to see the process.  
  
“Can I watch, or do you want to show me when it’s finished?” he asked carefully, not to disturb the other too much, as he looked in thought. The sudden wish to draw something entirely different clouded his senses.

The other man ignored him, just drawing and chewing on his lower lip or his cheek in succession as he kept placing lines on the paper, not looking up even once. It seemed like he genuinely did not require any references for his drawings. Hoseok walked over to the shelf he saw paper on before and took a piece, getting a simple black pen out of the small container on the desk and sat down on the couch.  
  
The pen slid along the paper, lines and dots, small and precise. It was a black ink pen so that was how he was going to draw, as simple as that. More ink appeared on the paper, arranged in a circle. He looked up. The other man was concentrated, his face was lit up by a lamp and he looked tense. The paper got filled with small dots and lines until the shape got clear and the motive was done. It was a circle, as if someone was looking at a landscape through a binocular, the circle restricting the view. There were trees, different trees like in a forest in asia, a big full moon hanging over the landscape, shining onto the trees.  
  
_Like the table lamp on his face._  
  
Hoseok wanted to see more, but that was the limit of his perspective. He was just a binocular.

The other man finally let the pencil rest on the table, fingers arranging it carefully with the other pencils and taking a deep breath, looking to the ceiling for a few seconds before he glanced around the room, finally focusing on Hoseok.

“I have finished,” he said simply, watching Hoseok carefully. “Have you also been drawing?”  
  
“Mhm.” He walked over to the desk. “Can I see?”

Won nodded slowly and made some space, sliding the drawing over to him. It was Hoseok’s face as expected. The facial expression seemed so soft and waiting for something, like the picture wanted something but didn’t get it. Yet. It was interesting. Also there was something about the way the other had drawn him, it was very similar to the pictures he had at home. Just the lines were thicker, more smudged.  
  
_It’s beautiful. He’s fucking talented, Hoseok._  
  
“It’s interesting, it feels as if I am missing something. I would really like to know what you thought.” Hoseok looked at the way the lines covered the paper, ripping through it, creating the picture. It made him happy somehow. So happy that he forgot his own drawing on the couch.

“I wanted to kiss you, but decided to express it instead of doing it,” the other man answered calmly, sitting down a little more comfortably on his chair, some of the tension leaving his shoulders that had apparently been there. “Thank you for liking it. What is yours?”  
  
_Wait what?_  
  
He felt his heartbeat pick up, and looked around nervously, remembering that he had left it. Walking over he picked it up and looked over it once again. It was different, so different from Won’s style. He drew a face. Hoseok didn’t. He never did.  
  
“It’s just random stuff, nothing special.” Hoseok stretched his hand out, the piece of paper hanging in the air before the other man grabbed it. The brown eyes widened almost immediately, other hand lifting to hold the paper properly. The time seemed to pass without a reaction or a movement, Won’s eyes only passing over the drawing slowly. Suddenly he lifted his gaze, looking at Hoseok, not avoiding his eyes this time.

“I want it,” he whispered. “How do you do this?”  
  
“What? Something wrong?” Hoseok didn’t get shit. He just stared. The other man shook his head furiously.

“No, not at all. It’s perfect. It’s...it has everything.” Won lowered his eyes and examined the drawing again, his hands were shaking slightly, visible from the light movements of the paper. “We expressed something similar, just so differently. I love yours. I wish I could make it part of me.”

  
What’s going on, Hoseok?  
  
“I don’t draw faces. Sorry,” he apologized, hoping the other man wasn’t freaked out by the forest although there was no reason to, but it was late and he had also said that he wanted to kiss Hoseok, and he was really sleep deprived, which was a bad thing.

It had always been.

“Why would you apologize? I told you it is perfect. I can’t even describe it because words wouldn’t do it justice. They are always so meaningless and unable to express the simplest of things. I really love it, Hoseok.” Won still mustered the drawing, eyes sliding along the lines. “I want it.”  
  
“Sure, you can have it if you like it. Can I keep this?” He took the drawing again, examining it intently. “What would change if you would’ve kissed me?” He didn’t know why he asked that. He just wanted to know.

A smile spread over Won’s lips as he glanced at Hoseok, placing the drawing on his table.

“I would have had to draw something else, the feeling of kissing you and I have done that already. I am sorry for keeping you awake, but I don’t regret because it was worth it and you gave me this. I like it too much to print it on t-shirts though. I want it to be mine.” The long fingers stroked over the black ink on the paper affectionately.  
  
_He drew kissing you already? Well he did kiss you, so he probably drew something you don’t know about._  
  
“I would really like to see that one too. This forest I drew, it’s the way I see you.” He smiled feeling somehow a little overwhelmed by the sudden intimacy, the emotionality that wasn’t there before. The other man licked over his lower lip before raising one corner of his mouth into a barely present grin.

“I don’t think that’s necessary. Thank you for sharing your perception with me.” He glanced at Hoseok’s drawing again as if he was really impressed by it. Then he suddenly walked around the table, stopping in front of him, staring. Hoseok glanced up, the table lamp made the other man look really beautiful.

“I won’t ask,” Won whispered as he curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulled him towards himself, stopping right at his lips, hot breath hitting them as the brown orbs closed. Hoseok could feel his heartbeat in his ears, pumping the blood furiously, without a break, his skin was tingling and he knew he needed to say something but nothing came out. Nothing but a soft, shaky exhale. The other man breathed in slowly and let his tongue caress over Hoseok’s lower lip, keeping the distance and exhales becoming harsher. His right hand wandered through the strands of his hair, attaching itself and tilting his head backwards.  
  
_Oh for fuck’s sake, Hoseok. Holy mother of god._  
  
He opened his eyes although the drive to close them almost killed him. He wanted to see what the other man’s face looked like. The breaths got stuck in his lungs and he got rid of the air all at once. Won had his eyes closed, breathing in his scent. His lips were slightly parted and he pressed a careful kiss to Hoseok’s lower lip before separating again, keeping Hoseok’s head in place with the tight grip of his fingers. Shit, the other man was so beautiful. Hoseok curled an arm around the waist pulling the body closer.

Won smiled, eyes still closed and exhaled against his lips. His left arm tightened around Hoseok’s neck as the other remained in his hair, still pulling lightly as he played with the distance between their lips, licking over his own lower lip and sometimes Hoseok’s.  
  
“You’re driving me crazy,” Hoseok managed to whisper somewhere between the torturously slow licks of the other man’s tongue. The smile widened and Won turned them, pressing himself into the desk and pulling Hoseok closer, chests flush and plump lips leaving a soft kiss on his temple. He was playing while Hoseok had a fucking new years firework inside his body. His breaths became shaky, exhaling harshly and sucking in air as if the normal breathing pattern was not enough to supply his body with oxygen.

The other man separated for a few seconds, glancing at his facial expression before he pulled at Hoseok’s hair to let him follow. He jumped up on the desk and pulled Hoseok closer, letting him stand between his legs and pressed his lips to his neck, sucking gently before moving up and placing a short kiss against his lips again, watching his facial expression, eyes opened this time. Hoseok curled his arm around the waist again, fingers of the free hand stroking over the arm, up to the shoulder and neck, before raking through the silky strands of the raven black hair. Won closed his eyes at the sensation, exhaling softly, hot air hitting Hoseok’s skin.  
  
_There is no way out of this._  
  
He wanted to hear more. His teeth nibbled on the plump lower lip softly, before his tongue slid over it. He tasted so good, and he smelled so good. Won must have been waiting for the contact as his lips immediately parted for good and he pressed their mouths together forcefully, tightening his thighs around Hoseok’s hips and watching his expressions. It must’ve been a sight, because Hoseok was gone. He was lost since the moment the other had touched his hair. There was something strange about it, but he felt so much when the other did it. Hoseok moaned at the legs tightening around him while closing his eyes, sensations spiking everywhere, all over his skin and the wish to be closer being the only thought in his head. The sound of Won sucking air in harshly filled the room and he left Hoseok’s lips, remaining close but not enough to touch.

“Would you like to stop, Hoseok?” he asked carefully.  
  
_No._  
  
He shook his head, eyes still closed.

“You just seemed to think it would be a better idea last time, which is why I am asking you right now,” Won continued and played with a few strands of Hoseok’s hair, left arm remaining around his neck. Better idea? Last time? He didn’t remember anything and he didn’t want to. He wanted to feel those lips again.  
  
“You’re driving me crazy, I want you, I want you so much, fuck my life.” He exhaled, eyes opening slowly, to see the other man’s reaction to his words. Won’s pupils were blown, lower lip pulled between his teeth and he was staring at him, air leaving through his nose in harsh puffs. He nodded, still abusing his lower lip and pulled Hoseok even closer with his legs, clashing their mouths together and immediately tilting his head with the fingers in his hair, adjusting the angle to make it easier to lick inside Hoseok’s mouth.  
  
He moaned, what else could he have done? His body was tingling like a bottle of soda, hands roaming over the other man’s spine and neck, fingers exploring every bit of skin that was uncovered, hips rolling into the body pressed next to him. Won hissed and loosened the arm around his neck, letting the hand trail over Hoseok’s shoulders and chest. The other kept him in place with the hand in his hair as his fingers wandered further, stroking over the waistband of his jeans and finally cupping his crotch, lips still attached to his.  
  
Hoseok was not ready for the firework, it hit him right in the face, exploding and turning every inch of his skin into a burning mess. A low moan escaped his mouth, hands clenching at the other man’s sides. Won smiled into the kiss and rubbed over his erection, hand sliding along it as he pulled him closer by his hair, fingers releasing it a little just to trail through the strands again, grabbing them tightly.  
  
Won was hot. So incredibly hot. Hoseok let his hand slide down the other man’s chest, over his lean stomach and between his legs. The other gasped, moan silent as he bit his lip and remained in control of his body before closing his eyes and kissing Hoseok intently.  
  
Hoseok didn’t know why the other man had such an effect on him. He was basically burning in a lust pit, not able to escape, the muscles just there to move the arms and body towards the other, to touch him. He rolled his hips again intuitively, one hand holding Won’s body in place to increase friction. The other opened his mouth in a silent moan again, much less reactive than Hoseok was. A hand pulled at his hair with more vigor to keep his head in place as Won rubbed his hand over Hoseok’s clothed erection again. Then he chuckled.

“I can't really touch you when you’re flush against me,” he remarked and bit into Hoseok’s earlobe. That was indeed true. He leaned back a little and looked at the other’s facial expressions. Hoseok really wanted to make him moan, a lot. His hand rested on the other man’s knee, sliding up his thigh, drawing circles around his crotch and going back to the knee.

Won hissed quietly, quickly followed by more pulling and the plump lips pressing against Hoseok’s as other man undid the button of his jeans.  
  
_He’s impatient._  
  
He nibbled on the plump lip while stroking over the other man’s clothed erection, trying to imagine what it would feel like in his hand, before he opened the button of the ripped pants in reply, sliding the zipper down with a smooth movement. Won paused the actions of his own hand to stare at him expectantly, teeth abusing his lower lip and fingers tightening in the blue strands although he made no sound.  
  
“I want to touch you,” Hoseok spoke, trying to adjust the volume of his voice because their faces were so impossibly close to each other. Won smiled at him, eyes dark.

“Then do it.”  
  
_Fine then._  
  
He pulled down the ripped pants a little, creating more space as his hand sneaked into the other man’s trunks, freeing his erection and curling his fingers around it tightly. It felt really nice, filling out his hand perfectly. Won gasped, air hitting Hoseok’s face as the other watched his hand for a few seconds before throwing his head back and closing his eyes, hand in Hoseok's hair pulling him along a little.

“Same time?” Won asked as his long fingers pulled down the zipper and he let his index finger slide over the outline of Hoseok’s erection. He moaned at the contact, trying to process what he wanted to do, fingers roaming over the other’s perfectly shaped dick. Won was really quiet considering he was being jerked off.  
  
_He doesn’t like it?_

“You didn't answer,” the black-haired murmured as he jerked at Hoseok’s jeans to get them lower and out of the way, hand sneaking into his underwear to grasp his erection, thumb rubbing over the tip. He couldn’t suppress a low moan at the contact, body jerking a little, wanting more.  
  
“What answer?” Hoseok had honestly no idea what the other was talking about, just perceiving the fingers that slid over his painfully hard dick. Won had rather large hands, long fingers curling around him easily and cunningly.

The other chuckled lowly, pulling Hoseok’s face closer and kissing him, sucking the lower lip into his mouth before letting go again.

“I asked whether you want to get off at the same time.”  
  
_Uhm, yeah?_  
  
“I guess, I’m all fine as long as you don’t remove that hand of yours,” Hoseok groaned and leaned in, sinking his teeth into the soft skin of the beautiful man’s neck, licking over the spot and getting more and more intoxicated by the cherry wood fragrance. To give him more access, Won turned to the side, glancing in the direction of the wall. Then he froze in place suddenly and let go of Hoseok’s dick, opposed to what he had just asked him not to do.

“Fuck, it's midnight,” the other exclaimed, letting go of Hoseok’s hair right after.  
  
_So fucking what? Is he cinderella or something?_  
  
“Yes.” Hoseok turned him around and stared at his face, trying to make sense of what the fuck was actually happening. Won’s eyes were wide and he looked a little uncomfortable.

“I always leave at midnight and it's already ten past,” he answered quietly, taking another glance at the clock. The color left the other man’s face with record speed.  
  
“So fucking what? Want to go home?” Hoseok smirked not believing any of the bullshit arguments about always leaving at midnight. The other man probably pussied out. Won’s face turned calm at the question though.

“Yes, pretty much.”  
  
_Fine. But not before you heard that moaning voice of his._  
  
Hoseok removed his hand, sliding up his underwear and closing the zipper on his ripped jeans. His head tilted a little, teeth catching the addicting bottom lip and licking into the other’s mouth shortly before sinking down on his knees, body placed between the long legs.  
  
“You better not move or I’ll bite,” he groaned, before taking the perfection of a dick in his hand, licking around it and breathing air over the tip. Won took a deep breath, not releasing it and shook his head furiously, eyes wide. He was more responsive when he was caught off guard. Hoseok licked a stripe from the shaft to the tip, pressing at the connection with his flat tongue, before taking the erection in his mouth.

The other man wasn't able to hold his breath indefinitely, releasing it in the form of a low moan and throwing his head back, hands tightly gripping the mahogany desk next to his thighs. Thank god. That was so incredibly hot, Hoseok wanted to take a fucking picture to look at it when he was sad. He sucked on the tip, massaging the other man’s thighs in the process before letting go shortly.  
  
“Want to touch my hair?” He lifted his head and grinned, taking him into his mouth again, tip hitting the back of his throat and gently humming against it to increase the sensation.

“Fuck you,” the other hissed but grabbed his hair anyway, quiet moans spilling from his lips once in a while. Won obviously tried to suppress them for some reason. Could he keep himself from moaning indefinitely? Hoseok curled his fingers around the shaft and looked up.  
  
“No, fuck _you_. And you better moan for me or you won’t go home today, cinderella.” He licked around the tip while staring up at the other man’s reaction. Won shook his head again, visibly fighting with himself.

“I hate losing control,” he forced out before throwing his head back and moaning deeply again, biting down on his lower lip and sucking in air to stop.

But sex was all about losing control. How did he get laid?  
  
“I want to see and hear that you like what I’m doing, Won. Do you like it?” he asked, voice a little hoarse, before deepthroating the other once again, enjoying the warm perfection twitching in his mouth. The other man groaned lowly, fingers intertwining with his hair and pulling him closer.

“Yes,” Won breathed out, staring down at Hoseok through the black strands of his hair. Those low moans sent shivers through his body, his own erection straining against his pants. Shit, he loved the other man’s voice. Hoseok took him all the way again, humming roughly, not caring about whether he’d have a graveyard voice the next day, he enjoyed it too much.

Won cursed, moans louder and fingers tightening almost painfully in Hoseok’s hair, pulling him as close as possible, thighs narrowing down in response. The other must have been close, which was fine with him. Sucking on the tip harshly, he bobbed his head, increasing the pace and friction by tightening his lips. Suddenly Won took a deep breath, holding the air again as his whole body turned rigid and he released himself inside Hoseok’s mouth, only releasing the air in soft pants after he had calmed down a little, body less rigid and rather slackened, thighs shivering.  
  
_He must really hate losing control. A lot._  
  
Hoseok swallowed and licked his lips, sliding his palms over the other man’s thighs before he stood up staring at the Won’s face, trying to make sense of how a person was able to just breathe through an orgasm. The other man was staring back, eyes large and cheeks covered by a soft blush and lips swollen from their previous make-out session. He remained seated on the desk and inhaled slowly, followed by an even slower exhale. He looked really beautiful. Won was the epitome of aesthetics.  
  
Hoseok smiled shortly before picking the drawing from the table.  
  
“You didn’t seem to enjoy it too much, but anyway, thanks for the drawing. It’s beautiful.”

The other continued staring at him, chewing on his lower lip and taking another glance at the clock before focusing on Hoseok’s eyes alone.

“I did, a lot. But I also kinda hate you right now.”  
  
“It’s okay. Hate me as much as you want.” Hoseok turned around and walked towards the door holding the piece of paper in his fingers, the grip way too tight.  
  
The hallways were dark, but he managed to find the elevator and exit, not really able to get rid of the strange feeling in his chest. He just didn’t understand the other man. Nothing made sense, his behaviour didn’t make sense and the way he approached Hoseok didn’t make sense. It was actually easy wasn’t it? Either Hoseok wanted to get it on with someone, then he showed it and pulled through, or he didn’t and every-fucking-body could see that. Why was Won like that? Touching his hair so tenderly and making him strangely affected and kissing him and teasing and then saying he wanted to go home. Getting a blowjob and not even moaning properly making everything seem in vain.  
  
_Well, he did say that he hates you._  
  
True. The CEO might have really hated him. But why the fuck would he touch his hair, kiss him and draw him like one of his french girls? What kind of drama was that?  
  
_He probably just plays with you, Hoseok. Didn’t think about that?_  
  
It was indeed possible, but the behaviour in the elevator and also on the couch didn’t fit. If he had wanted to get off, he’d moan his soul out and say thank you and good bye.

 _But he said he hates losing control and that he hates you._  
  
Hoseok had asked whether the other liked it. He didn’t intend on doing anything Won disliked, it wasn’t some kind of forced stuff. Had the other said that he didn’t want it or didn’t like it, Hoseok would’ve been out of the office in a split second. But the other man had pulled him closer, the hand in his hair, pressing his head down against the pretty dick. It’s not how ‘I don’t like it’ looks like.  
  
_You should’ve just stayed away, why do you always do this? Wanting to know how people see you just to be disappointed. It sucks, Hoseok._ _  
_

The studio was closed, of course, considering the time of the night, but he opened the door and turned on the table lamp on his work desk. He needed to draw something, to calm down and to not feel like a pile of shit. Why was other people’s judgement always so hard to take? Why couldn’t he just stop caring, not give a fuck and do whatever without feeling bad?  
  
_Because fuck you, that’s why._  
  
Self-pity was not the best way to feel better. But drawing was. Hoseok took a piece of paper and a pencil although he normally didn’t draw with pencils. Incredibly fine lines appeared on the paper, beautifully curved, contours perfectly shaped, a frame. A picture frame. Without a picture.  
  
_You feel empty. Like the frame without a picture._  
  
Duh.  
  
The bell rang suddenly, ripping him out of his thoughts.  
  
“It’s closed,” he called, standing up and walking over to the entrance of the studio.  
  
“But you are here and so am I, so I guess it doesn’t matter.” The low familiar voice hit his eardrums before the sight did. Black hair falling over the forehead, a black coat, black shirt, black ripped jeans and black converse chucks.

Back to black.

Changkyun.

 _Run._  
  
He couldn’t run. He was in his tattoo studio in the middle of the night and the person was standing in front of the door, smiling at him, shaking his head a little, forcing the raindrops to fall down from the silky hair strands. His lungs constricted, eyes looking somewhere on the floor to avoid the other man’s gaze.  
  
“Why are you here?” Hoseok’s voice sounded more like a whisper, still rough after giving head. It was really the best day ever, being sad after giving a mediocre blowjob to a company CEO, being hated by the latter and having his ex-boyfriend appear in front of his face at 1AM after two fucking years. He swallowed, waiting for an answer but it tasted like Won.  
  
The other man took off his coat, hanging it on the hook and slid his hands over the ripped jeans as if they needed to be fixed. The black shirt almost melted into the tattooed neck and arms. Hoseok had forgotten how good the other looked, although there was no point in remembering something just to torture himself.  
  
“Not happy to see me? I thought you might have missed me, especially after avoiding all my calls and emails and attempts to meet you when I was in London. I thought there was no point in trying all that crap so I just came here, and look how good that worked out.” Changkyun looked around, examining the interior and moving on to the drafts hanging on the wall.  
  
Hoseok felt like shit. He didn’t want to talk to him. It already hurt like a bitch just looking at the body moving around next to him, those handsome features expressing calm, although his own insides were a mess and everybody could see that. He brushed his hair back in desperation.  
  
“Fuck off, Changkyun.” The voice sounded extremely rough. He shouldn't have gone all out, considering the other didn’t even like it.  
  
And now he can even see what he’d done to you. He will know that none of those drafts are things you drew back then. The guy with your first tattoo brought it back and Changkyun killed it right after.

“I don’t want to.” The man smiled and walked over to the coffee machine as if it was his fucking home. Hoseok started getting angry, but it was pointless.

 _He will just do whatever he wants, not giving a single fuck about you, Hoseok. Like always._  
  
“Get your bloody coffee and then get the fuck out,” he pressed out, massaging his temples and grabbing a glass to fill it with water to flush away Won’s taste on his tongue.  
  
“Don’t you want to ask me how it was to work in NYC? I’ve met shit loads of interesting people and I’m really good at tattooing now. Like- seriously good. I bet I could compete with you at this point.” The other man grabbed his cup and turned around. Hoseok gave up and sat down on the couch while closing his eyes and gulping down the rest of his water.  
  
“No I don’t want to know. I also don’t care how good you are Changkyun. Just get out.” The couch gave in and he felt the other man brushing his thigh while sitting down, way too close to him.  
  
“You look good. I love your hair, the way it’s still the same, makes me think that everything is like before.” A hand brushed a strand behind his ear.  
  
_Oh no. Just throw him out, Hoseok._  
  
He couldn’t.  
  
“What do you want from me? Don’t you have mercy? Why can’t you just get out and let me live without appearing here in the middle of the night after two fucking years. You fucked off, so why didn’t you stay away for good? Just go,” Hoseok whispered, eyes closed and hoping to be released from the fucking torture.  
  
“I missed you, you idiot. That’s why I always tried to get in contact, but you’re just so stubborn, not answering my calls and acting ignorant.” A hand rested on his knee, drawing patterns against the fabric of his jeans. Hoseok turned around and stared at the painfully familiar face. The dark brown eyes were sparkling in the dimmed light, lips curled to a small smirk.  
  
“What do you think you’re doing?” Hoseok wanted to sound stern but it came out desperate instead, ruining the whole intention.  
  
_Sexual frustration is not a reason to have emotionally loaded sex with your ex-boyfriend. It’s a bad idea. You’re just hard from before. You even taste like him._  
  
“Don’t shit me Hoseok. Look at yourself! Your facial expressions scream that you want to jump me. You are still the same.” The other man’s eyes narrowed and he came closer, breath hitting Hoseok’s face.  
  
_It needs to stop, what are you doing?_  
  
“It’s not because of you, it’s because of the guy I sucked off half an hour ago. He was hot as fuck but I couldn’t get off so I’m kind of horny. Which is none of your business by the way. Come back if you want to get a tattoo, but you’ll have to wait five months.” He stood up and walked back to his working desk before sitting down and staring at the drawing.  
  
He heard the doorbell ring. Changkyun left.  
  
It was calm.

_But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still an empty frame._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I make you yearn? For what? You’re probably yearning for order which I can’t give you. I’m chaos."

Out of all things that Hyungwon despised, losing control was at the top of the list. It was the one feeling that numbed your senses, turned your insides outwards and revealed everything about you that you didn’t want to reveal and partially weren’t even aware of. Hyungwon had a lot of such aspects, things about himself he hadn’t known and that only confronted him when he lost control. It was the feeling that had forced him to close his eyes and hit his head against the wall as a child or fall to the ground and scream until reality finally sorted itself back into the predesigned spots in his head. He hated mess but he hated succumbing to it even more. Back then and also now.

_ It is after midnight. Why are you still sitting here, Hyungwon? You can’t break your plan any further than you already did. You’ll just lose it. _

He swallowed and slid down from his office desk, pulling his pants up properly and feeling lost in his own office. Everything was in place and where it belonged, just he wasn’t. He was a foreign entity that had been ripped from its place and needed to be abandoned. 

_ Get the fuck out. _

Not even a minute passed as Hyungwon grabbed his backpack, turned off the table lamp and left the office, ditching the elevator to run down the stairs as fast as he could. When his lungs sucked in the cold air the digital clock across the building shone the bright numbers 00 and 30 at him. It was 30 minutes after midnight and he wasn’t home. Not home and standing in front of his office building, wondering how he lost his perfectly arranged spot in his daily proceedings. He felt out of it, unsure where he was supposed to go or what he had to do.

Everything had been clear and sorted as he had arrived at the office, following his to do list and wishing to finish with a painting of the tattoo artist’s anger, but instead Hoseok had thrown him out of balance. Not reacting to his attempts to leave and forcing him to give up some of his self-control. Hyungwon hated it. He hated being affected during sex, at least when other people saw it. When it was too much he couldn’t really tell what he was doing and the fear of performing an action he wouldn’t want usually was too much for him.

_ When you kissed Hoseok three years ago it had been the same feeling. The same feeling you drew and that you yearned for today. It is always the same. _

Hyungwon loved consistency but somehow the fact that his yearning for an uncontrolled sensation was insatiable, scared him. He had kissed Hoseok once and found out what it felt like. He had even done it again in the elevator and yearned for it today, drawing the emotion in the form of the other man’s face. Why didn’t it go away? Why was it constantly present when he stared at Hoseok’s face?

_ You have never been able to look people in the eyes properly, but with him it is even worse, like a prison that sucks the resolutions out of you, unable to resist and hold onto your own convictions. _

Hyungwon hated Hoseok, but he also didn't. He hated him for not letting him leave, staying longer than midnight and he hated him for constantly making him act unlike himself, kissing the other man for reasons that were not sexual pleasure. Pleasure was easy and straightforward, he knew that and was perfectly aware of how to deal with it. However the times he had brushed through Hoseok’s hair and touched his lips had nothing to do with pleasure. Sexual gratification had been completely irrelevant and it scared Hyungwon because things were supposed to make sense and be sorted into his perfectly arranged handbook of human behaviors. Even if he didn’t understand the behaviors of others he simply had to understand his own, so why didn’t he?

A groan left his lips and scared a nearby bird, leaving the bushes with strong wings, meaningless sounds leaving its beak. Hyungwon couldn’t help but smile at the ridiculousness of it all. It was almost 1AM and he was still standing in the middle of London, unsure where to go or what to do because he had forsaken his arrangements. Hoseok had thrown him out of everything and he didn’t know how to get back into it. It was scary.

“What are you doing here?” a cheerful voice muttered next to him as a slim hand was placed on his shoulder, shocking him but he simply remained frozen. “Are you okay, Hyungwon?”

_ It’s someone who knows you, Hyungwon. Snap out of it. _

He swallowed again, pressing the fingers of his right hand into his left palm in a regular pattern to calm himself down, focusing on the feeling and inventing rhythms to adjust the regular intervals. After about three patterns he looked to the side, seeing a man with equal lips. The upper and the lower lip were almost the same thickness. The nose was slightly pointed and the eyes were sharp, however Hyungwon didn’t keep his gaze there, choosing the area between them instead. The man was familiar and knew him but he needed a few moments to attempt to recognize him and figure out where he was and why the other man was also there. The pretty dark eyes widened the more time passed and the stranger let a delicate hand run through the black hair. Hyungwon knew that hand.

“Why are you here Minhyuk?” he asked eventually, taking a look around them. It was still the street in front of his office building and Minhyuk, clad in tight jeans and a light coat was standing in front of him.

“You are really scary when you are like this,” the other man answered before his features relaxed and resembled his usual expression, bright smile on his lips. “I was out drinking with friends. I thought you always want to be home before 1AM so bad, so why are you here then?”

_ Why are you, Hyungwon? Why aren’t you home? _

He just shook his head in response. The man in front of him wouldn’t be able to understand either way, forsaking order easily for a more spontaneous and enjoyable plan. 

“Something kept me from it,” Hyungwon replied simply and couldn’t remove the feeling of surreality. It was similar to that time when he had been drunk, nothing going according to plan and body simply moving with random urges that he had felt. He didn’t know where he belonged or where he had to go. Minhyuk’s hand on his shoulder tightened, and rubbed along it.

“And what will you be doing now?” The voice was gentle, the same one Minhyuk used when he felt like he could easily upset Hyungwon. It had been simple to learn over time as Hyungwon had left without a word more than once, overreacting to something the other man had said or done.

“I don't know.” He really didn’t know. Nothing was how it was supposed to be and he had to bring it back, but wasn’t sure how. He couldn’t remember what he had to do tomorrow and what was next. He should have been sleeping but he couldn’t remember what he would have to do afterwards. He couldn’t remember anything.

Minhyuk smiled brightly and pulled him into a hug. Hyungwon wasn’t quite sure why the other man decided to do that, but he must have looked like he required one, which wasn’t the truth. 

“How about you just come with me?” the black-haired man whispered and stroked over Hyungwon’s head, arms circled around his neck and pulling him close. “You would be seeing me tomorrow anyway, so you could just move right back into your daily schedule. And bring me to work as an extra.”

_ Would that solve the problem, Hyungwon? _

It might. If he was supposed to meet Minhyuk tomorrow he could try to continue from where he left off, spending time and sleeping with the other man and going to work right after, continuing the routine and not feeling out of place in his own office anymore. It would be better.

_ You always meet Minhyuk in the morning or the afternoon. It would be morning and you could go to work, pretend that everything is alright. _

He nodded lightly and peeled the other man off his neck, turning in the direction of his apartment and going there. He remembered the way and finally knew where he had to go. Minhyuk just walked next to him quietly, not saying a word which was really unusual for him, steps sounding on the concrete and only the quiet breaths audible. It felt like a dream and Hyungwon disliked it.

“You know why people fall for you, Hyungwon?” the other man suddenly asked, taking out his key and opening the door to his apartment. It was impossible to read his facial expression with the little light available. Hyungwon liked the dark, but it was difficult to answer without any information about the other person’s mental state. He couldn’t figure it out from the words.

“No.”

“Because it always feels like you are untouchable, but once in a while there are those tiny moments of attention, of care that come out. It feels like one is special and that one person that can crack your shell, that will make you adore them more than anybody else and that is what makes it difficult to let go. People fall for you because they constantly yearn for another drop of affection.” Minhyuk chuckled and held the door open for Hyungwon to enter. “That’s why.”

Hyungwon wasn’t sure what the other wanted to tell him with the words, but the familiar furniture and arrangement of clothes in the apartment calmed him down a little. He slipped off his leather jacket and took off his shoes, automatically walking to the living room to sit down on the couch as he usually did, unless he went to the bedroom. Minhyuk took off his own coat and shoes and followed him, leaning against the door frame.

“You look a little less out of it now. Do you know that you never come when I invite you?”

_ You don’t? _

Hyungwon tried to remember the last times Minhyuk and him had met up for sex. It was rather simple usually. They had arranged days they met up and usually Hyungwon visited the other man or called him to his office when he felt the need to do so. That had been their arrangement from the start. Hyungwon decided.

Instead of answering he took a more detailed look around, trying to find out whether anything changed. The black bookshelves were still filled with english literature and various poem collections, several books covering the living room table. Minhyuk must have been reading them currently.

“Shall we go to bed?” the other asked eventually, giving up on waiting for an answer and playing with a strand of his hair. Something about him looked different but Hyungwon couldn’t tell what it was, simply nodding. Minhyuk watched him for a few seconds, but he focused on the books on the table instead. There was a poem collection by Rainer Maria Rilke.

“Will you be fine sleeping in my bed? I have a new toothbrush for you.”

_ What? _

Hyungwon frowned, looking up to identify whether he had misunderstood a joke. Was it time to go to bed? He looked around the living room until he found a clock, showing that it was almost two in the morning. Minhyuk expected him to sleep at his place and restart his schedule with their meeting instead of getting ready at home, preparing accordingly, wearing his chosen outfit for the day and going to work. Everything was messed up.

“I won’t be able to sleep,” he answered simply but stood up. 

“Have you ever slept in someone else’s bed, Hyungwon?”

“Yes.”

“With someone?” Minhyuk’s eyes narrowed a little and he didn’t move, just leaning against the door frame and watching the way Hyungwon stood in the middle of the room.

“No. Just Jin,” he replied and Minhyuk rolled his eyes. He never counted Jin in any of Hyungwon’s answers. If he had done something with Jin, Minhyuk considered it a new occurrence. The other man sighed.

“Let’s brush our teeth and you can have the bed. Don’t wake me up unnecessarily, okay?” Hyungwon nodded in reply and walked towards the bathroom, seeing the packed up toothbrush and using it for his teeth. After thoroughly brushing them and going through his usual routine, attempting to replace things by items Minhyuk had standing around, he walked to the bedroom, feeling familiar enough. Maybe he would be able to sleep after all. As he lay down Minhyuk opened the bedroom door a little and peeked inside, head tilted and staring at him, teeth chewing on his bottom lip just like Hyungwon tended to do.

“Sometimes I really wonder why I do this to myself, Hyungwon. But then I remember that you’re hot and I basically nut just from seeing you,” he muttered, a smile on his lips that Hyungwon couldn’t identify and interpret. He hadn't really seen it before. At least he couldn’t recall it if he did. The pretty man took his flat palm and kissed it before stretching it out in Hyungwon’s direction, smile not fading as he closed the door behind himself.

_ Why does nothing ever make sense, Hyungwon? _

Everything had been perfectly in order so why were people constantly trying to break his composure. It was frustrating.    


_ Maybe that’s what Minhyuk meant. Maybe your composure makes them wish to be the ones to break it. To ruin you. _

_ Then you just have to get your shit together and not let them, Hyungwon. Stop giving in all the time.  _

His eyes closed and he saw the beautiful drawing Hoseok had created for him, depth of the forest and the moon making him want to reach for it, but he couldn’t. He was only allowed to see a tiny spec of the beauty that the other man had created and it wasn’t leaving him alone. He had to stop giving in all the time and simultaneously he couldn’t.

_ Because you still want it on your body, Hyungwon. _

_ And you can’t stop. _

_

 

It had felt strange to melt right back into his routine but Hyungwon felt happier. He had slept with Minhyuk as usual, gone home to change into his clothes for the day and was at work with the carefully arranged to do list that Kyungsoo had prepared for him. It felt the way it should and still he felt a little dissatisfied. However as usual he wasn’t able to tell what it was, going through every mistake that had occured in the past weeks and trying to understand whether any of those had made him upset or dissatisfied, but none of them had been grave enough to leave such a permanent stain on his mood. Something constantly felt unfinished and he simply couldn’t figure out what.

The day had gone smoothly with a newly recruited artist signing a contract and providing a design he considered good enough for printing, adjusting only minor colors and therefore finishing up the job faster than expected. But even Kyungsoo must have realized that he wasn’t quite himself, bringing him more drinks than usually and regularly asking him whether he required anything.

_ Are you scary when you are upset, Hyungwon? Minhyuk kept saying the same. That you are scary when you aren’t quite yourself. _

Only when Kyungsoo prepared a few arrangements, announcing that Hoseok had a rather unusual work schedule and that Hyungwon should be prepared for that he finally understood what had frustrated him so much.

_ Hoseok had left and you weren’t able to read his emotions, too out of it and you simply don’t know if there is a misunderstanding or not. _

Hyungwon didn’t know whether the tattoo artist and him were okay and whether the problems that apparently occurred (mostly due to Hyungwon’s necessity to return home) had been solved. He still felt a little angry at the other man for forcing the loss of control on him, but it was also understandable as Hyungwon left him disatisfied. It was unfair. He wasn’t able to apologize for needing to return home, but he could ask for forgiveness concerning his selfish disregard for the other man’s pleasure.

“Kyungsoo, could you arrange my schedule such that I have time for a meeting with Hoseok? Please send him to my office as soon as he arrives.”

Luckily Kyungsoo worked long enough to meet Hoseok when he arrived at eight. It took the pressure of having to go get him himself and possibly be affected by the other man drawing or lack of light or whatever had forced Hyungwon into believing that taking the tattooist to his office was a good idea. 

Adjusting his plans mentally and feeling more prepared he drowned in work as he loved doing, focusing on new drafts and checking them out himself, rating the ones he considered good enough and the ones that needed improvement.

At around five past eight Kyungsoo entered his office quietly, looking rather uncomfortable.

“Mr. Chae, it appears that Mr. Shin has no desire to see you and I wasn’t able to convince him otherwise,” the secretary pronounced carefully and placed a cup of tea on Hyungwon’s desk. The CEO couldn’t help but wonder whether that was supposed to be a bribe for the bad news.

“So you mean I will have to go myself?” he asked. The rejection confirmed his suspicion that something was the matter and he had to solve it. Having misunderstandings in a working environment and in general was bad. It brought disorder and unpredictable situations. He had to change that.

Kyungsoo appeared rather unsure about the question.

“He didn’t seem too fond of seeing you in general, Mr. Chae.”

“What did he say?” Hyungwon stood up, checking whether his arm was covered sufficiently before he would go meet the other man.

“I would prefer to not repeat his words,” Kyungsoo replied and nodded at him before leaving his office without another word.

_ It must have been insulting. _

Hyungwon couldn’t help the frown that appeared on his face, wondering how badly he could have upset the other man. After all he hadn’t been the one to force him into giving him a blow job. He hadn’t forced him into anything for that matter. He had even asked. Kind of.

Most of the employees had already left the building but at least the light was still turned on. Hyungwon took the elevator as usual and walked along the hallways of the eighth floor, expecting to see the other man drawing on the ground as he had done the last time. 

He wasn't. Hyungwon sucked in a deep breath at the violation of his expectations and checked the office. Only to be disappointed by absence again. The other must have been hiding from him, purposefully looking for place where Hyungwon wouldn't expect him to be. 

_ Nice try.  _

He took the elevator to the lower level, walking into the security room and asking them about the other man's whereabouts. There was no way that he would be able to hide from him. As usual the security employees didn't ask questions and pointed at the figure sitting on the rooftop and drawing. 

_ The rooftop? Isn't he cold? _

Unable to understand what drove the artist to health endangering decisions he took the elevator back up, following the decorated hallways until he reached the small stairs, leading to the rooftop of the building. Walking through the door and into the cold air he saw him almost immediately. 

He sat on the ground, cross legged and leaning into the piece of paper. He wore black ripped CIRCLE pants and a red shirt with a black leather jacket hanging loosely over his shoulders. Hyungwon walked right up to him without hesitation. 

“Why are you avoiding me? You purposefully hid, didn't you?” he asked, voice calm as usual and unwilling to show anger. He wanted to make up after all. 

“Go away,” Hoseok mumbled, not glancing up even once. That was not a very helpful answer and Hyungwon really disliked unanswered questions. Hoseok was giving him a hard time.

Sighing he sat down next to the other man, leaning his head against the outer wall and looking at the sky. London always had shit weather. It was better not to have windows. 

“Don't you have to work? Why are you here?” Hoseok muttered again, voice full of emotions Hyungwon couldn't grasp. 

The question was pointless. In one way or the other dealing with Hoseok was work, but Hyungwon decided not to say anything, unsure how upset the other man was. 

“I feel like I have upset you somehow,” he commented instead.

Hoseok looked up at him for the first time since his arrival at the rooftop, exhaling harshly. 

“Awesome. Then deal with it.” The man narrowed his eyes before turning away again. Hyungwon felt a little helpless. Wasn't Hoseok supposed to help him solve it somehow? The other man probably felt better without misunderstandings between them too.

“But I didn't mean to upset you, Hoseok. I'm not quite sure what I did wrong and would like to explain and apologize,” he said carefully, eyes remaining focused on the grey sky. 

“You are driving me nuts, Won. Just go away before I snap. I told Kyungsoo that I don't want to see you.” His features looked so soft contrary to his words. The blue-haired closed his eyes and exhaled sharply, raindrops were hitting his hair but he didn't seem to care. 

“I'm sorry, Hoseok. I can't leave things unresolved. I don't want you to hate me. I'm sorry,” Hyungwon whispered. The other looked so vulnerable, enough for him to recognise it and that meant it was serious. He had really upset the other man. “Please forgive me. Tell me what upset you and I won't do it anymore. I often don't understand social settings and make mistakes. I'm kind of broken like that.”

_ Why would you say that, Hyungwon? It's none of his business. _

The other man turned towards him, eyes observing his face, looking for something.

“You told me that you hated me after I had your dick in my mouth. What is there to understand? I just don't get why you don't stay away from me if you hate me so much.” Hoseok threw his head back, letting the raindrops fall on his face. Hyungwon's eyes widened and he couldn't help but turn towards the other man's face, blue strands framing his pale skin. Fuck, he shouldn't have looked.

“I don't hate you. You just threw me out of balance and I was lost. I couldn't hate you.”

“Stop bullshiting, Won. You couldn't hate me my ass. I sucked you off, you didn't like it. You told me you hated me. Just go away, you're making it unnecessary hard for me with your weirdness and the ridiculously pretty face.” His eyes were still closed and the pale skin was slowly getting covered in small drops. Hyungwon looked up, scared that the other man was crying until he saw the dark clouds and the drops falling around them. He had never been able to deal with tears, especially other people's tears.

“It's not bullshit. I liked it a lot but I hate losing control. You forced me to lose it so I overreacted. I don't hate you for fuck’s sake. I don't draw 300 pictures of people that I hate!” Hyungwon huffed in frustration, rubbing his hand over his cheek, removing the wet drops and focusing on the other man. Why couldn't he understand?

The eyes opened and Hoseok turned around, shifting such that his face ended up mere centimetres away from Hyungwon’s. 

“Why the fuck do you touch me if it makes you lose control? Why the fuck would you draw me all the time? I am everything you hate. Why would you just kiss me if you know exactly that you hate it? Why, Won? Fucking tell me so I can understand. You drive me crazy.” A mixture of frustration and something else was painted all over Hoseok’s face, raindrops sparkling on the white skin and glistening on the white-blue hair. 

_ Why, Hyungwon? He's right. You hate disorder, you hate chaos. Why do you always kiss him even though it doesn't lead to sex? _

He stared at the beautiful blue strands, intermixed with the sand like colour, immediately reminding him of the sea although he had touched it so many times already. The yearning stayed no matter how many times he had acted on it. Hoseok was beautiful in the rain. The single drops on his lips made him want to just close the distance and kiss them away, touching the curled up corners of the other man's mouth and licking over the tongue piercing.

_ He makes you feel things, Hyungwon. Feel without having to do them. Feel without needing another person to explain them.  _

_ You just know.  _

“You make me feel,” he whispered as he reached for a drop of water on Hoseok’s cheek, wiping it away before his fingers caressed the blue strands, placing some behind the artist’s ear. “You make me yearn for something and I'm trying to figure out what it is, but it's not working. I keep wanting more.”

Hoseok stared at him with his mouth open, not moving, just looking Hyungwon directly in the eyes.    
  
“I make you yearn? For what? Just don’t see me, then the yearning should stop too. You’re probably yearning for order which I can’t give you. I’m chaos, Won. And you’re getting even more chaos out of me.” Hoseok reached for Hyungwon’s lips and wiped a raindrop away with his thumb. “You tell me that I forced you to do something you didn't’ want. I don’t want to but I might, which is why I tell you to fuck off.” He wiped another one, stroking over Hyungwon’s bottom lip, eyes following the movement of the thumb. Hyungwon couldn't help licking over the touched skin, focusing on the dark colour of Hoseok’s left eye, gaze sinking down to his lips.

“I don't know, maybe I want you to.” He couldn't help the chuckle that left his lips. “I've never been good at self reflection.”   
  
“You confuse me. I don’t understand what you are saying and I don’t understand what you are doing. Why did you touch my hair? Why do you like touching my hair? Is it some kind of a sign? I can’t make a picture.” Hoseok tilted his head a little before licking over his lips and sucking his lip piercing in. “You are chaos to me.” 

Hyungwon's eyes widened and a stabbing pain spread through his head, focusing at the temples and almost burning him like fire. He hissed in pain and squeezed his eyes shut but the onslaught of questions just repeated in his head without a break. Questions that he had no answer to.

_ His hair is like the sea, so you want to touch it.  _

_ Touching it feels peaceful, you have no particular thoughts when you do that, just calm.  _

_ He said that you are chaos. _

Hyungwon jerked, pain almost unbearable and did the only thing he could think of doing. He grabbed Hoseok’s shirt and buried his head in the other man's chest, breathing in his scent and trying to blur out his surroundings and to just focus on his own breathing and the warmth against his hands and face.

“I don't know,” he murmured repeatedly, hoping the questions would finally stop echoing in his head.   
  
Hoseok exhaled sharply and leaned down a little, curling the arms around his body, pulling him closer to his chest, before one hand went up, stroking over his hair.    
  
“Are you okay? Won? You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to,” the other man whispered, hot breath hitting his hair. 

_ He gifted you the most beautiful drawing you have ever seen that he engraved on your body, how could you hate him? _

Maybe there was an answer but Hyungwon couldn't say it. Their meeting three years ago had left an impression on him even if it hadn't been relevant until recently. He had wished to forget the events because of the confirmation that he had lost control, drinking uncontrollably and deciding spontaneously. But how was his current behaviour different?

Hyungwon was ruining everything himself. 

“I want to answer but I just can't,” he whispered in reply and kept himself pressed against the other man's chest. He could feel how drops fell on his button down, cold on his skin. Car sounds were surrounding them, sudden honking and the loud drops of water hitting the concrete. Hoseok’s breaths were loud too, slightly irregular and therefore unpredictable. Everything was unpredictable and Hyungwon couldn't filter. The order was gone. He needed it back. Where was he even and why was it so unfamiliar?  
  
“You’re shivering, Won. Let’s go inside.” Hoseok stood up slowly, pulling Hyungwon up, leather jacket falling on the ground in the process, but Hoseok just didn’t seem to care. The other curled an arm around his waist and walked somewhere, helping him to keep balance. 

Hyungwon didn't want to walk, he just wanted to curl up and make everything disappear. He stopped moving his legs and tried to concentrate on one sensation at a time. There were warm arms around him, Hoseok’s arms. He kept his eyes tightly shut and leaned towards the other man, fingers reaching the neck and curling around it, sheltering himself. 

“I just need a moment,” he answered, hoping it sounded calm but he wasn't. His brain was trying to catch up. “Where are we?”   
  
“Come on, let’s just go inside, okay? It’s only a couple of meters till my office.” Hoseok had inhuman strength, holding him up with the arm alone. Hyungwon didn't care, he just held onto the other man and breathed in his scent. A few seconds passed until he finally felt able to comply. Hoseok probably knew what he was doing. Hyungwon didn't, so who was he to decide. He knew nothing. 

He nodded and did his best to follow, surroundings blurry and meaningless.    
  
The artist opened a door and led him in, closing it behind him. He felt his body sink down on a leather couch.    
  
“Won? Are you okay? Do you need something? What can I do for you?” Hoseok leaned over him, squeezing his hand.

Hyungwon glanced up, eyes finally focusing on the other man’s face. The blurriness had finally made room for defined features, beautiful hair and pale skin. It felt like a dream from a long time ago, face only minimally different from back then. He reached for the breathtaking lips and stroked over them, smile appearing on his plump ones at the way it felt under his fingertips. 

“Kiss me.”

 

 

***   
  
  
  


Hoseok really wanted to know. He wanted to know why the fuck the ridiculously beautiful CEO kept annoying the shit out of him. He didn’t like him? Fine. He hated him? Fine. He didn’t like the blowjob? Fucking fine, but it didn’t make any sense why the other was stalking him at the rooftop. Why couldn’t Won just fuck off?   
  
_ You make him feel? What is that suppose to mean? _   
  
A crush? No way, that was definitely not the way people showed their interest in each other. It was something else, something entirely fucked up, something Hoseok couldn’t understand no matter how many times he had asked. 

And then there were fingers against his cheek, stroking the raindrops away and Hoseok’s heartbeat betrayed him again, not used to this kind of work related interaction. He was so frustrated he wanted to scream.    
  
_ He’s chaos. You don’t get anything with him. He brings you out of your comfort zone and makes you do stupid things.  _   
  
_ But isn’t it what you wanted, Hoseok? For the chaos to come back? _ __  
__  
He didn’t have time to think about that because the other man buried his head in his chest all of the sudden, breathing harshly and body shivering. It looked as if it was some kind of bodily reaction, maybe sudden pain. He stood up and brought the other to his office which was located next to the rooftop. The only good thing about it, the proximity of the rooftop and the huge leather couch he let Hyungwon sit on. Hoseok wanted to know what he should do, since the other was probably more aware of what he needed.   
  
“Kiss me.” The fingers slid along his lips and he felt like jumping down a building without a rope.

_ Just do it for fuck’s sake, if that’s what will make him feel better. _ __  
__  
Hoseok leaned in, breathing harshly against the plump lips, wet from the rain and trying to compose himself as he was just about to kiss someone. 

It was just a kiss. Nothing more. 

He reached for the beautiful face, sliding his fingers along the cheek before closing the distance and melting into the warmth of the other man’s mouth, lips moving independently, body heat flush against his chest and his heart beat picking up even more. Hands were around his neck almost immediately as Won basically pulled him on top of himself, eyes shut tightly. 

Hoseok put one knee on the couch, not willing to break the kiss, but the other man kept pulling him closer so that he ended up kneeling over Won’s lap. The black-haired didn't seem to care and just curled one arm around his waist instead, the other hand sinking into his hair smoothly. 

“It's so calm,” he gasped against Hoseok’s lips.  
__  
_Calm? What?_ __  
__  
“I’m a pit of burning hellfire. I don’t know what you are talking about.” Hoseok leaned in again, catching the addicting lips and licking inside the warm mouth. Won kissed back until he placed a palm flat against his chest, pushing him away a tiny bit before curling it back around his waist and leaving it there.

“Your hair calms me down,” the other man answered and focused on Hoseok’s face, not really his eyes but close enough. The long fingers pulled at the strands as if they wanted to support the words, gripping them tightly. Won seemed more aware of his surroundings now. “Why are we in your office?”   
  
_ Seems as if he’s sane again, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
He leaned back, climbing down from the couch while ignoring the arm tightening around his waist.    
  
“We are here so you wouldn’t freeze. You looked in pain so I thought you should lie down and my office is next to the rooftop so I brought you here.” Hoseok smiled, trying to calm his breathing. Won was a fucking roller coaster ride Hoseok hadn’t agreed on taking in the first place, but he kept finding himself in the situation of losing his shit next to the other man.    


Won nodded as if all of the information had been new, which made no sense because he had been right there. He looked around shortly and focused on Hoseok again.

“Thank you,” the black-haired said calmly, eyes mustering Hoseok face to toe. “For everything.” Nodding although there was nothing to thank him for, Hoseok sat down on the couch next to the beautiful man, searching for signs, trying to see whether the other was really okay. But what the fuck was normal behaviour for him anyway?   
  
“Are you really okay?” he asked quietly. Won licked over his lips and sighed.

“Yes, everything kind of makes sense again, but you are probably still upset with me. I am sorry. I really don’t hate you,” he said, placing his palms flat against his thighs and pressing down his fingers in alteration.   
  
“It’s great that at least one of us can make sense of this.” Hoseok couldn’t help letting out a deep sigh too, before throwing back his head and closing the eyes.   
  
_ Think of the annual rings, how they appeared on the skin. _

“When will you be in your tattoo studio the next time?” the other man asked calmly, also leaning back further judging by the shifted weight and exhaling softly. “Are you currently working on something? Have I interrupted a specific piece?” Wow, that were a lot of questions for someone who didn’t answer even one of his before.    
  
“Today at 1AM, I’m working on the drafts for your collab and no it wasn’t a specific piece.” He kept his eyes closed and tried to imagine the annual rings again. It was quiet for about a minute or two until the weight was removed.

“I will leave you to it then. I am sorry for disturbing you and for making you think inaccurate things. For the record- I loved you touching me,” Won commented and steps moved towards the door until it closed soundly.   
  
Hoseok stood up and ran after him, opening the door and pulling him back in.   
  
_ Argh, just let him go, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“No. You can’t do the fuck you want all the time, driving me crazy for the past half an hour and then just stand up and leave saying ‘sorry’. That’s why I told you to go away, but you still come back and drive me mad, leaving me like this as if nothing happened.” He breathed out harshly, anger boiling in his veins, hand on the other man’s wrist.

Won breathed in slowly, staring at the hand around his skin until he looked up, again missing Hoseok’s eyes by a few centimeters.

“What would you like me to do, Hoseok?” he asked, pulling Hoseok a little closer with the help of his wrist.   
  
_ Great. Now he thinks he has to get you off or something. Trees can communicate better than him and you.  _ __  
__  
“You have no idea what I meant, don’t you?” Shaky breaths were escaping his parted lips as he tried to get the adrenaline under control. “What do you want from me, Won? What is it?”

The other just groaned and looked to the ceiling, focusing on it for a few seconds before looking down at their wrists again.

“I don’t know. I told you. I want to see you, draw you, look at your artwork and touch your hair. Good enough?” he murmured, voice low and teeth chewing on his lower lip repeatedly.   
  
Hoseok wanted to punch someone. It was beyond frustrating. Nothing the other man had said explained his behavior, not at the moment and not before. It was as if the other was talking just like that, not explaining but throwing random pieces of information into the conversation, expecting him to understand without any further context or comment. Hoseok let the wrist go and stared at Won’s face.   
  
“You want to see me and touch my hair? I’m not a fucking cat. Stay away from me, Won.” He turned around and went towards the door, remembering that he had left his leather jacket on the rooftop. It was better to call it a day. 

The jacket was basically soaked. Sure, lying in the fucking rain for the past twenty minutes. He picked it up and wringed it out as well as he could. Hanging it over his arm he turned around and went back to take the elevator down.

Won was still standing at the door to his office, glancing in his direction as if he had been waiting, stepping in front of him as soon as he got close enough.

_ Why do people never listen when you tell them to go away? _   


“I know you’re not a fucking cat and you aren’t one to me either,” he said and looked frustrated. “I can’t express myself well with words. Everything is absolutely meaningless. Can’t you just look at my pictures and understand? Everything is in there…” The other trailed off during the last sentence, appearing unsure and staring at the ground instead of Hoseok for a few seconds.   
  
“One. I have exactly one,” Hoseok answered, trying to go past him. The other man didn’t let him, spreading out his arms to make himself broader, which he sure as hell wasn’t.

“No, you have shitloads. I lied. Most of them are mine.”

_ He drew them? What about the guy then?  _

“What about the guy? You couldn’t have lied about him, you know how the tattoo looks like. Why did you lie about the pictures?” Hoseok just didn’t understand the whole situation. Who was this person? Who was Won? Why did he draw him?    


The other man appeared even more uncomfortable, playing with the fabric of his button-down and eyes jumping from one spot to the next.

“I didn’t lie about him. I just thought you would consider it less weird if they were his. Afterall I have no logical reason to be drawing you. Not really at least,” he answered and ran his hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean for you to find out there were so many.”   
  
“You still don’t have a reason for drawing me, but you’re free to do whatever you want. Just stay away.” Hoseok exhaled harshly, heartbeat pumping against his eardrums, making it hard to concentrate on words before he tried to move past the other man again. 

“Can’t you let me stay?” Won asked quietly as he stepped to the side, eyes focusing on Hoseok’s properly for once.   
  
“Why? So you can pet me when you feel like it?” He focused his gaze on the other man’s eyes, adrenaline rushing through his veins, making breathing and speaking so incredibly difficult.

“No, so I can draw you.” The words were calm, voice low and clear as the other man didn't divert his gaze. It was unusual and even felt strange, duration of eye contact too long for comfort.

“Let me take this as a compensation for my struggles.” Hoseok stepped towards the other man and leaned into a kiss, arm curling around the thin waist, before breaking the contact unwillingly.   
  
“I know that you don’t need me around to draw. You told me.” He smiled and loosened his grip, turning around and walking towards the elevator. 

“But there is only a limited amount of emotions I can feel without being next to you!” the other called after him, but didn’t follow, standing in place just as Hoseok had left him, hands hanging limply at his sides.    
  
“You seemed perfectly fine like this, back when we first met.” Hoseok said, more to himself.   
  
Hoseok wanted to drink. A lot. Pressing the button he waited for the elevator to arrive, to save him from all that was happening.   
  
_   
  
  


It was almost 1AM. The table lamp threw a couple of shadows that disturbed the drawing a little, making it less prominent, the pencil shades overtaking and colliding with the flow of the light. Hoseok knew that he should’ve gone home after the visit at the company, but he hadn’t drawn anything and felt a little bad about it.    
  
_ Since when are you so responsible? _ __  
__  
The urge to throw the whole bathtub full of money back at Won and just stay in his studio was overwhelming. He hated it. Not that Won was treating him like a cat. He hated the fact that he behaved like the fucking cat, leaning into the touch and purring.

Fuck.    
  
_ It’s not even his fault, you were the one who always said ‘yes’ and enjoyed every bit of it and now you’re too deep into it, and it starts ripping you apart.  _

_ Surprise motherfucker. _   
  
He leaned back on the chair and threw his head back to collect his thoughts. The position was always the best, neck stretched and hair falling back, leaving the freedom to think and perceive without being disturbed by anything else.    


A sudden knock sounded through the studio, impossibly loud in the silence. Hoseok opened his eyes lazily and stood up. It was probably some weirdo thinking he could get a tattoo at 1AM.   


Walking over to the door, he spotted a tall figure. The guy was wearing ripped jeans and a leather jacket, both black and barely recognizable in the darkness. Because of a cap he couldn’t even see the face. 

Amazing. 

He turned the key and put his head in the door crack.   
  
“Hey, sorry, but it’s closed.” 

“I know,” the other man answered and looked up, large eyes focusing on a spot above Hoseok’s eyes.    
  
_ The staying away is going amazing, sweetie. _ __  
__  
“What are you doing here, Won? Are you okay?” He didn’t even notice the moment when worry took over and he started thinking about the random breakdown at the company a couple of hours ago.

“A tattoo,” the other answered as he kept his gaze focused on Hoseok’s forehead, maybe his hair.   
  
_ A tattoo? What? _ __  
__  
“Uhm, are you telling me you want to get tattooed? At 1AM? I don’t even have a draft!” 

It was a mess. They were a mess and the whole atmosphere around them. 

“I’ll give you a coffee instead.” Hoseok opened the door and waited for the other man to step in to close it behind him, turning the key. 

Won looked around calmly, taking off his jacket and hanging it up before he sat down on the couch, smiling slightly. 

“You could make a draft.” He paused. “I like this place more at night.”   
  
_ You too. _ __  
__  
“What do you mean I could make a draft? Why would you get a tattoo suddenly? The studio is closed, it’s in the middle of the night and I was just here to draw.” He walked over to the coffee machine to act as if he was not freaked out for no obvious reason. 

“It’s not suddenly. You said you would be here, so I came to get a tattoo. It’s not closed if you can ink, which you can.” He sounded very matter of factly, just combining information as always and glancing at the drawings on the walls.

_ You’re really lucky with people, Hoseok. The one tells you to jump him because he missed you, and the other wants a tattoo, because your body is in the studio and able to ink.  _

_ It doesn’t matter what you want, does it? _ __  
__  
“What kind of tattoo do you want? Where?” He leaned against the counter, resignation spreading into his limbs. Won watched him carefully before he took a piece of paper out.

“I don't know where, only what. I told you that I want it before.” The other man stood up, walking towards Hoseok and stretching out the hand with the paper. He unfolded it, looking at the binocular view of the forest, with a full moon shining on it. The one time he had drawn him.    
  
“You want this as a tattoo? But I don’t tattoo my own drawings.” Hoseok stared, not believing the CIRCLE London CEO wanted a tattoo of his drawing. Of him. 

Won threw him a glance as if he didn’t believe a word of what he said, eyebrow raised although he usually kept his face neutral.

“And what is that tattoo that made me want to recruit you for the project then? A hallucination?”   
  
“An exception.” Hoseok smiled and pulled the cup under the machine, walking over to the other man and giving it to him. Won accepted it carefully, taking a sip and smiling in return.

“Can’t you make another one for me? I won’t force you of course, but I would really love it if you could do it. I really want it.”   
  
_ It’s almost 2AM, Hoseok. It’s a good time for making exceptions.  _ __  
__  
“Fine. Where do you want it?” He took his cup and emptied the espresso in one go. This was going to be a two hour session because of the complexity. 

“I will let you decide,” Won answered and took another slow sip from his espresso after blowing on it. He seemed happy, smile remaining on his lips and holding the cup with both hands although it was completely unnecessary.   
  
“Upper or lower body?” Hoseok went over to the table to make a draft and to setup the machine. “Come here when you’ve decided and take the clothes off. Shirt if it’s upper body, pants if it’s lower body.” The scanner noises calmed his heartbeat a little bit, reminding him of the fact that it was still work. His own drawing on a person he didn’t know what he thought about, but still kind of work. Steps sounded behind him and Won appeared, still fully dressed.

“I really don’t know. Can’t you help me decide?” he asked, lips slightly parted and looking dissatisfied. “I really seem to know nothing, sorry.”   
  
“Professionally speaking I would take a body part that is relatively flat, back or chest, also considering the motive. Do you have any other tattoos?” Hoseok printed the draft and walked over to set the machine up.

“I can’t decide,” Won replied almost silently, examining his own body with his eyes. “Is having other tattoos relevant?”    
  
“Yes, if you want to get another one on the same spot.” Hoseok chuckled. “Fine, just take it off. I’ll see where it would look best. Do you want to be able to see it? Every day? Or rather not?”

The other man released a deep breath, hands playing with the hem of his sweatshirt without really taking it off. His eyes jumped around a few times until they focused on Hoseok’s face, gaze intense.

“I am fine with both. I want it after all.”   
  
Hoseok put the needle into the machine and prepared the small containers with different ink, to tattoo the complexity of the shades properly, before standing up and walking over to Won.    
  
“You can take it off now. I also have blankets to cover you when you’re cold or uncomfortable later, just let me find a good spot.” Hoseok was shaken at his own ability to act competent and professional. The previous experience of over three years did change the way he behaved. He remembered his other exception and the way he was incredibly tensed around the handsome man.    
  
_ Yeah, lie to yourself, Hoseok. You almost died at the company a couple of hours ago. _

_ Professional your ass.  _

“Can you promise me that you won’t do anything unpredictable when I take off my shirt?” Won asked suddenly, gaze remaining intense and dark, a few strands were falling into his eyes but he didn’t seem interested in removing them.   
  
“Like what? Are you scared that I’ll jump you? I’m fine, Won, I can hold myself back. I’m going to ink you, it’s professional.” Hoseok was blank at the comment. The black-haired man in front of him just chuckled lightly, visibly uncomfortable.

“No, I wouldn’t mind that, Hoseok. You jumping me would make this easier.” Swallowing after taking another focused glance at Hoseok, Won grabbed the hem of his sweatshirt and pulled it over his head easily, throwing it on the chair with his cap. Hoseok followed the movements. Not understanding what the whole drama was about, he went over, getting a glimpse of a huge tattoo on the right shoulder before Won turned such that the free shoulder was visible.

He loved the skin. It was more golden than any other color, so he needed to make the shades more prominent. Hoseok slid his fingers over the arm, going around the other examining his back, before his fingers stopped at the tattooed shoulder. A huge whale was grazing it, annual rings, fine lines of the feather completing the picture. His picture. He felt how his eyes lost focus, thoughts clouding his mind, reality so absurd that it didn’t seem real at all. He focused on the tattoo again, examining the way the annual rings went. There was no doubt. It was him. He had done it.    
  
_ It was him, Hoseok. It was him, he’s the guy. Won is the one you tattooed at 3AM. _

_ Hyungwon.  _

Hyungwon just stood completely frozen, not moving an inch and let Hoseok’s hands roam his body without a word, arms shivering slightly and shaky breaths leaving his lips. 

He was scared.   
  
_ He’s scared because he lied to you. Why did he lie? Holy fucking shit, Hoseok, that’s not a drug delirium is it? What kind of sick shit is this? _ __  
__  
The skin felt hot against his fingers. The other man was breathing heavily. His hand continued its way, stroking over the tattoo, drawing the outline of the whale with his index finger and trying to imitate the thin lines of the annual rings, stopping at the feather, remembering the way he wasn’t satisfied and spent more time than intended on the last fine lines.    
  
__ It’s here, you can see it now. But you probably won’t get an answer to why he touched your hair back then. And why he kissed you. 

_ And why he came back to find you.  _ __  
__  
The flat palm moved over the shoulder to the chest, Hoseok coming around, and lifting his head to look at the other man’s face. Hyungwon’s face. 

The big eyes were squeezed shut, lower lip sucked into the mouth, harsh breaths leaving through the perfect nose. The black-haired man was so beautiful, holy fucking shit. Hoseok felt so incredibly dumb for not realizing it the whole time. Even Hyunwoo had told him that Won looked like the person on his back.    
  
_ You’re fucking ignorant, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
Somehow it felt like three years ago, his heartbeat pumping furiously and sleep deprived while Hyungwon was looking so incredibly beautiful in the dimmed light. But at the same time it was different. Something was different and it seemed so much more intense. His hand remained on the golden skin of Hyungwon’s chest when Hoseok took the other man’s chin between his thumb and index finger and placed a kiss on the soft lips, exhaling through his nose.  __  


Hyungwon’s eyes opened suddenly, wide and unfocused, features relaxing as his lips parted. The hands hesitated, slowly circling Hoseok’s waist but very light in their touch, almost as if he would break if the other man wasn’t careful. He felt his body melting away against the naked skin, licking over Hyungwon’s lower lip, each touch providing him with mind blowing intensity.

“It was you,” Hoseok barely whispered against the other man's mouth.  _  
_

“I think you were sent to fuck my self-control,” Hyungwon murmured as he licked over Hoseok’s lips and breathed in his scent.   
  
“You still smell like cherry wood. I can’t believe I didn’t get that it was you. Even my best friend recognized you although he had only seen the picture.” Hoseok buried his nose in the crook of the other man’s neck. The fragrance was absolutely intoxicating.

“You kept the picture?” Hyungwon smiled. 

_ You did. On your skin.  _   
  
“I lost it. But I do have it.” Hoseok was absolutely overwhelmed, hands roaming over Hyungwon’s naked chest and arms, the hot skin burning against his tingling fingertips. 

Shit, Hoseok wanted him, the longing was impossible to suppress, whole body tensing, hands ready to rip off the other man's and his own clothes to permanently attach himself to the heat and to feel the intensity in every cell of his body.

“That is illogical and makes absolutely no sense,” the other man replied and pulled him flush against him. “But I’d rather touch you than discuss this.” 

_ But he said he hated you. It doesn't make sense, nothing he says or does makes sense.  _   
  
“No, you won’t like it and then you’ll want to run away and hate me again.” He felt the desperation crawling up his limbs and held onto Hyungwon’s shoulders, afraid to let go even for a second, lips sucking on the sensitive skin of his neck, smelling like cherry wood. Hyungwon gasped at the sensation, closely followed by a chuckle.

“You’re an idiot, Hoseok. I didn’t hate it and I only wanted to leave because it was midnight. It had nothing to do with you. Afterwards I was so lost that I just stood in the middle of the street until a friend found me being all mental.” The other man’s eyes widened at his own words and he tensed a little. “I’m talking too much. It will just scare you off.”   
  
_ He was lost? Because it was midnight? But he was also lost because you tried to figure out where to tattoo him, three years ago. Or today. Pressing his head against your chest. _

_ But then you also sat on the elevator floor and got kissed by a CEO, angry and letting everything happen without doing anything.  _

“It’s fine. You don’t scare me, you drive me nuts, but you don’t scare me.” Hoseok leaned back a little, breathing heavily and sorting out his thoughts. 

_ What do you want, Hoseok?  _

He stared at the handsome face, big eyes with blown pupils looking at him, so strangely soft but also so incredibly hot. 

_ Him.  _

Hoseok wanted to say something but a thought crossed his mind and suddenly materialized in front of his inner eye. 

_ Bring yourself under his skin. Make the chaos that you are a part of him.  _

“I really want to kiss you and touch you and melt into you right now, I really do, but I also really want to tattoo that drawing on your chest.” He tried to calm down a little, eyes searching for Hyungwon’s gaze and hands holding onto the thin shoulders. He was graced with a smile in reply as the other man stepped back, putting some space between them.

“That’s what I’m here for after all. Go ahead, all yours.”   


It felt absolutely unreal. Won was the person from three years ago, kissing him in the elevator and touching his hair, smelling like cherry wood and behaving weird, drawing pictures of him and having Hoseok’s raw emotions from three years ago tattooed on his shoulder. 

_ Is this even real? _

Suddenly his body started burning in anticipation, the wish to ink his drawing on the other man's skin suppressing everything else. He wanted it, not the way he tattooed the previous motive three years ago, not being crazed and sleep deprived. For the first time, he wanted to give a person, Hyungwon, something that was absolutely and entirely his. Consciously.

_ You want yourself to be a part of him.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time we finally had the revelation :) 
> 
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	7. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Imagine a blank canvas, lines and colours appearing on it, filling you with euphoria, a picture becoming visible, showing you all the overwhelming beauty at once, before disappearing and leaving back the canvas. White and empty.”

Hyungwon chuckled, glancing at the piece of paper in front of him, filled with Hoseok’s soft features, transformed into a more powerful and complex arrangement of strokes. The lines were thicker and more vibrant than before, colour used instead of the simple pencil drawings he preferred. He had wanted to paint the person stealing his sense of order and self-control and he did, for hours.

_ You drew him again Hyungwon, although he told you to stay away.  _

The other man’s decisions were difficult to comprehend. Hyungwon couldn’t figure him out. His mouth said that he wanted Hyungwon to stay away but his lips kissed him nevertheless. The words and actions didn’t agree, creating a clash of wishes that melted into a ball of confusion, frustrating Hyungwon and throwing him out of balance like so many other things that Hoseok did.

_ Good that words are meaningless to you then. _

_ You can’t stay away either way. _

It was amusing how Hoseok believed that Hyungwon had been perfectly fine when they had first met. He hadn't been. At all. 

_ Who knows maybe your state would be described as fine by others. Maybe it’s just you and your limited perception again. Details but no whole picture. _

He smudged a few lines on the side of the painting with his brush and smiled. It was a fake smile, bad enough that even he could tell no one would believe him. His own behaviour made no sense. Hyungwon loved and yearned for sense. It was his only way to function in the real world, identifying rules and following them religiously. Hoseok forced him out of that carefully crafted safe heaven and still Hyungwon let him, again and again.

The other man had been wrong about the stability of his state at their first meeting. Hyungwon coming to the tattoo studio in order to recruit the other man for the project hadn't been their first meeting even though Hyungwon had lied to make the artist believe it was. 

_ During your first meeting you were drunk as fuck and tried to escape the fact that your only way of understanding the world had been ripped from your hands. _

Hyungwon glanced at his painting, various shades of red mixing into fire, only the cool tones of Hoseok’s hair bringing calm to the picture. The other man was like an uncontrollable force, actions so different from those of other people Hyungwon had met. He just couldn’t predict the artist and apparently the artist couldn’t predict Hyungwon either. No matter how much he tried, Hoseok continuously misinterpreted his actions and words, independent of the explanations.

_ Just like you when you are missing information Hyungwon, a social norm, an emotion.  _

_ A memory.  _

Hoseok was missing a memory. The one that Hyungwon had focused all of his behaviour on. His infatuation with the tattoo, carrying so much meaning and expressing emotions that he could associate with. He had never been able to really understand the feelings and perspective of another person unless he mirrored them, but the tattoo, the whale, the annual rings and the feather were able to signify the exact thing he had felt and hadn’t been able to put on paper. Hoseok had understood without even knowing him. Without even talking to him or having seen him.

He just did.

_ He creates chaos in your controlled art but he also calms it. He's both Hyungwon. The storm as well as the calm after it. _

The moment he had entered the tattoo studio three years ago and asked the other man to recreate the drawing on his skin had been a peaceful one. His brain had been running on alcohol and broken expectations but the solution and the consequences of the disorder had been calm. Hoseok had been calm, the atmosphere had been calm and the sound of the machine had been calm, buzzing rhythmically and creating tiny sensations of pain, tingling on his skin. 

_ Do it again Hyungwon.  _

The wish had been prominent before. Hyungwon hadn't lied when he had told the artist he wished for the drawing that expressed him to be ingrained in his skin. He wanted it to be part of him, just that rationality and beliefs had kept him from acting on it. 

_ But you want to act on it.  _

Hyungwon wished to hear the buzzing again, to feel how Hoseok’s hands slipped over his skin, holding on or leaning against him, gaze concentrated and impossibly attractive. He wanted the artist to tattoo him again, to leave a permanent emotion on him. A feeling that would remain with him for eternity. 

He wanted to feel the absolute calm again. 

_ But why, Hyungwon? You need a reason, wanting something is not sufficient. There needs to be logical reasoning behind it otherwise it's invalid. That's the way the world works.  _

He breathed in slowly and stroked over the dried paint. The artwork was complete but he didn't feel like he was, missing the presence of calm and clarity. The ability to formulate every thought and every sensation precisely. He had never possessed such an ability but back then, three years ago, his head had falsely believed that it did. 

_ You need to see, Hyungwon. You need to go again, get yourself in the same situation and see if it remains. You need to know if it was real or just a utopic interpretation of your drunk mind.  _

Hyungwon stood up, heartbeat hammering in his chest even before he left the building. It was exactly midnight and he left on time, but he had been smarter, adjusting his daily plan and writing down the visit to the tattoo studio. He would remain in control and order, thereby either showing the irrelevance of his attachment to the calm the other man provided or experiencing a similar sensation as before, proving that Hoseok had the ability to explain emotions to him, drawing them and expressing them with his face in all their detail. 

_ You know the answer to that question already. _

It was almost ten minutes before 1AM when he jumped into a taxi, informing the driver about his goal and having changed into even more comfortable clothes. He was going there to get a tattoo and had to be as much of himself as possible. The plan was being fulfilled accurately and he arrived right on time, knocking as soon as he saw 1:00 on his watch.

He had been stupid, unbelievably stupid. 

The mere thought that he would be able to get a tattoo without any further consequences reminded him of the time he had believed that breakups didn't influence friendships. They did. Just like getting a tattoo involved undressing and revealing his chest. His chest and his shoulder which was covered in the emotional signature of the man in front of him. 

It had been easy at first, pretending that nothing mattered and begging mentally for the other man to choose a location that did not involve revealing his identity but it was of no use. Hoseok was right and made the best decisions. Everyone made better decisions than Hyungwon did, choosing his upper body as the canvas for the tattoo and asking him to take off his sweatshirt.

He smiled and knew that it was out of place but the other man seemed too occupied with thinking Hyungwon feared sexual contact. It was stupid, really. Sexual contact was the one thing he feared the least. It was clear, organised, followed specified rules and had a defined goal. It was predictable. 

_ But Hoseok’s reaction is not.  _

He felt adrenaline spiking in his blood, limbs burning from the intensity and sounds increasing in volume. Everything was so loud, buzzing in his ears and drowning his surroundings as soon as the shirt landed on the chair. He felt like he was standing outside in the middle of winter, cold hitting his skin and senses turning off, just the loud buzzing of random sounds he couldn't identify catalysing his fear. He didn't move, frozen in space and unaware of what was happening. 

Only the sudden fingers on his chin and the lips against his threw him out of his stupor.

_ What happened? What have you done, Hyungwon? _

It felt like the calm enveloped everything, sucking the fear out of his body and turning it into something more pleasant but also unpleasant. 

_ It's the yearning, Hyungwon.  _

He wasn't aware of his actions, reacting to the words of the other man and unable to filter them properly, too genuine and real. But the artist didn't seem to be scared, simply putting distance between them while staring at his eyes, face unreadable as always. 

“I really want to kiss you and touch you and melt into you right now. I really do, but I also really want to tattoo that drawing on your chest,” the catalyst of his emotional perception said, reminding Hyungwon of the verbalization of his yearning and the real reason for his presence. 

_ You wanted him to leave a mark, an emotion, something to compensate for your coldness. _

“That’s what I’m here for after all. Go ahead, all yours.”

Hoseok took the cream and let his fingers spread it over his chest before he put the draft on the spot, creating a fine copy of the drawing. 

“Lie down,” he whispered before sitting down and taking the machine.

Hyungwon smiled, suddenly remembering a memory from three years ago, returning in full force although they had been sparse, only perceptions and emotional traces remaining after the encounter.

“Not going to apply the cream again after letting me sign a paper?” he asked and lay down. Hoseok grinned.

“I will trust that you won't sue me. You can sign it after I'm done.” He leaned in, inspecting the outlines. “I'll be closer this time ‘cause it's your chest. You needed a warning last time, didn't you?” A small smile appeared on his face.

“I don't anymore when it comes to you. As long as I know you are in the room. It's not okay when it is too sudden but like this it's okay.” It was a little more difficult to formulate, thoughts coming out unfiltered and he tried to focus more, on formulations but also on social norms. After all he wanted to be in control and regulated this time around. Hyungwon didn't remember what he had said the last time and whether he had mentioned body contact. Usually he never did unless necessary because people tended to get upset and assume it was personal dislike. 

“Did you just say it's okay for me to touch you as long as I'm in the room?” Hoseok stared at him in disbelief, hand frozen in the air while holding the machine. 

Did he say something weird? Hyungwon tried to backtrack his words. He had said that it was okay for Hoseok to touch him, which was technically true. Hyungwon could deal with it and partially also wanted the other man to touch him. However if he would be on the street, busy with other norms and regulations, a sudden touch would have thrown him out of balance, which he had also mentioned by saying that Hoseok should have been in the setting previously. In this case in the room. It all made sense. 

“Yes,” Hyungwon answered eventually and relaxed his body a little, tattoo table slightly cold against his skin. He didn't like the material too much but he also couldn't remember the compensation strategies he had used last time to deal with the discomfort.

“I give up,” the other man muttered, before leaning on Hyungwon’s body, hot, uncovered skin of his muscular arms flushing against him, pressing his body down in an instant, machine starting and buzzing loudly. Hoseok smiled at him, face only centimetres from his, white-blue hair hanging over the forehead and almost tickling Hyungwon’s lips. 

“Ready?”

Hyungwon nodded. Words weren’t really necessary and would have only interrupted the pleasant spreading of quiet in his ears. Just a few minutes ago everything had been so loud, the coffee machine, the other man’s breathing, the rare cars outside the studio, sounds only fueled further by Hyungwon’s fear. But now it was only silence and the constant buzzing of the machine, creating something very much resembling a blank canvas in Hyungwon’s head, just like the skin Hoseok was about to ink.

The other leaned in further, almost lying on top of him as he started to put the ink under his skin. The movements of the needle were much more precise than the last time, no more long lines, short dots and little movement. It was also not as painful, needle moving slower and it even seemed tender. 

Hoseok never looked up, absolutely concentrated on the drawing, moving the needle like a pencil, small beads of sweat appearing on the forehead after a while. Hyungwon didn’t mind. The slight pain of the needle made it possible to focus on the single sensation, shutting out everything else. Maybe that was how he had been able to ignore the discomfort of the table and remain seated for several hours on end. The needle made everything fade out. Everything except for the other man’s presence. 

Hyungwon watched him, fascinated by the way the deja vu was incomplete. He didn’t remember everything but still he could tell that something was different. Hoseok was different, working quietly, without glancing at him. Something must have changed over the time that passed. 

“You tattoo differently somehow,” Hyungwon commented, hoping to clarify the change. 

“How come you think that?” Hoseok asked not moving his head, continuing to put tiny dots next to each other for an indefinite amount of time. It must've been an hour already.

_ Exactly that. _

“You seem more concentrated than before.  You don’t look away. Just focused on what you are doing. I saw your eyes more before. Not like I look there a lot but still.” Brown eyes appeared in front of his face as Hoseok paused and lifted his head. 

“Want me to look at you?” He smiled. “I might accidentally tattoo a dick on your chest then.” The gaze went to Hyungwon’s mouth and Hoseok licked his lips, playing a little with his piercing in the process. 

Shit, Hyungwon still didn’t remember what the piercing felt like in his mouth and he had already kissed the other man so often. And he had bad experiences with tattooed dicks.

“I once slept with a guy who had one. It wasn’t really doing it for me, so I’d rather you don’t,” he replied and tried to smile back, suddenly feeling the discomfort again since the needle pain was gone. “Don’t stop tattooing. Put the needle back.”

“I don't know any other person, besides you, who can make me go from horny to fucking angry in like milliseconds.” Hoseok closed his eyes shortly and breathed out harshly, before leaning back over his body and continuing the dotwork. The other man simply made no sense. Why would he be angry?

_ Just ask, maybe you can solve it somehow. _

“How did I make you angry?”

“Read it on my tombstone after I've died of frustration,” the other muttered, not looking up. Hyungwon frowned.

“That’s impossible unless it’s stress related and connected with something cardiovascular. Why would you die because of me making you angry? I didn’t mean to and really don’t know what I said. Can’t you help me understand?” It was really hopeless. He wanted answers but his reactions seemed to make the other man even more angry. Maybe Hyungwon was really better off touching him instead of talking to him. It was much easier at least. 

Oh no, it had probably been sarcasm and he had missed it again, fuck. 

“Shit, that was sarcastic wasn’t it? Damn. Sorry.”

The other man laughed removing the needle and turning off the machine. He almost bent in half, not getting his shit together for some reason. Hyungwon was immensely confused. This was getting a little out of hand again, but not in the way it had before. Hyungwon prefered the more tactile out of control, it made more sense despite the emotional outbursts.

“This is ridiculous, Won.” Hoseok wiped away tears from his eyes, hands sliding along the skin of his cheek quickly and removing the reflection of the drops, skin still shining a little. “Okay, I need five minutes.” 

“Why are you crying?” Hyungwon asked, discomfort increasing with the absence of the needle, the other man and the fact that there were tears in his eyes and Hyungwon still didn’t know what he had done. Hopefully Hoseok wouldn’t want to stop now.

“I laughed. Too hard so tears came out? Because it's easier to communicate with a tree than with you. I don't get shit, you do things and then you do other things that don't fit to the previous behaviour, and then you're so fucking hot. You're chaos, you make me go nuts but I kind of like it.” The artist grinned and went to the coffee machine. 

_ He called you chaos again. _

Hyungwon pressed his lips together, dissatisfied with the description and tried to assign an undefined letter to each time Hoseok used the word ‘things’, thereby figuring out when he was talking about different entities and when they were the same. Hyungwon did A and then he did B, but A and B did not belong together? But how did him being hot fit into the equation? Was that standing in opposition to A and B? Or did that make the inequality of the two irrelevant? 

_ He said he liked it though, whatever ‘it’ was. _

“I make a worse conversation partner than a tree but I’m hot so you are kind of dealing with it?” Hyungwon tried eventually, sitting up to not feel the material of the table on his naked skin. It felt a little irritating. “You like that I am hot and drive you nuts? But I haven’t even really touched you yet.”

The other man appeared with a cup in his hand, taking a sip and grinning shamelessly. 

“Well, you are so different from everything I know. The way you do things or say things. I have the feeling that I can't predict what you will do next. That annoys me, but it also excites me? Is that it? I have no idea.” Hoseok took another sip. “You didn't touch me yet? You did have my dick in your hand if that's what you mean, although you also told me that you hate me after a blowjob, but one can't have everything at once right?” The smile was gone after he had finished the sentence. 

Hyungwon thought about that, chewing on his cheek and drawing a pattern on his thighs, letting his fingers run along the length of the right one and returning the same way, a few times until he felt a little more aware of his thoughts.

“I also cannot predict your actions, Hoseok. Let me try to make the reason why I said that I hate you a little clearer. Imagine that whenever you…” Hyungwon trailed off because all of his examples probably made no sense to Hoseok. Everything that he considered relevant was almost never relevant for other people. 

“I can’t come up with something that you would feel too, so I will just use myself. I have a certain structure for each day. I follow it and if something goes wrong it feels like my brain turns off. Seeing the clock my brain hit panic mode and I knew that I ruined something and that something was broken. So I had to fix it somehow. The only person I could blame for it breaking was you, because you didn’t let me go. I didn’t want to but I wasn’t really aware of that. It didn’t matter what I wanted because the rule is more important.”

Hyungwon sighed in exasperation, words just falling out of his mouth but he was still unable to tell whether realization dawned on Hoseok’s face or not. Everything must have been too far from the other man’s perception. It felt strange to attempt to put it into words instead of actions or drawings. He always drew clocks as a child.

His eyes closed, worry and pressure to get his point across a little overwhelming and taking up too many resources, the outside noises becoming louder again, almost deafening.

“I don't think I understand. The only thing I understood was you not making any sounds, indicating that you didn't like it or whatever other reasons you had and telling me you hated me afterwards. But let me finish your tattoo.” Hoseok came closer and he felt a warm tissue gliding along his chest, removing the rest of the ink. The other man was looking intently at the half done work. Hyungwon felt strangely cheerful at the knowledge that it was already halfway on his skin. He couldn’t wait to see it in its complete form, making him feel just like the other one.

“I didn't make sounds because when I do I lose myself. I stop realizing what I’m doing and just follow the flow. That’s usually a very bad choice. You made it hard not to make sounds. Very much so,” Hyungwon replied finally, thinking back to the way his body had burned at the other man’s ministrations. Hoseok must have had a lot of experience and a nicely suppressed gag reflex, lips beautifully spread around his dick. The contrast of their skin had also been beautiful. 

Hyungwon had been very focused on the way the other man’s hands looked against his thighs and how to keep himself from making noises, as he felt rather scared about losing himself with the artist. Because he wanted him to do things he usually didn’t want people to do and that was dangerous and therefore required even more self-restraint. Hyungwon had to stay aware of everything.

_ Like the fact that you are thinking about a blowjob and how much you liked it and that getting hard in a tattoo studio while getting a tattoo is not socially acceptable. _

_ Oh fuck. _

“I wanted to hear you moan. I love your voice. I also wanted to see how you look like when you lose it. It was disappointing that you didn't, but well, maybe I'm just not as good as I thought.” Hoseok licked over his lip piercing and bit down his bottom lip while the warm water cleaned Hyungwon’s skin. 

_ He’s not really helping either. _

“Bullshit. You’re good, obviously, and you know it. I only moan with myself so don’t take it personally.” Maybe Hoseok just needed to see that Hyungwon generally didn’t show much of a reaction. Previous partners had also felt self-conscious about their skills and actions, but that had never been the problem. Maybe it was a lie that shifting blame was a human quality. 

“I know that I'm good. I just want things. I'm greedy, Won.” Hoseok brushed his hair back and put the tissue aside. That was perfectly understandable. Hyungwon also wanted things and had thought long and in detail about how to achieve them, such as getting his drawings accepted, producing clothing that was to his liking, making enough money to fulfil his promise from when he was 10 years old and said he would support his mother financially so she could buy a house. Those kinds of goals.

“That’s reasonable. Everyone wants things. Me too.”

“Want to lie down or sit?” the other man asked, taking the machine into his right hand again. 

Hyungwon glanced at his crotch, wondering what would be more comfortable. Sitting and thereby also avoiding the unpleasant material against his naked back would be the better choice, so he remained seated and nodded at Hoseok.

He shouldn't have done that. The artist rolled towards him on the chair and lifted the seat up, positioning himself between Hyungwon’s legs, face only centimetres from his neck, placing the needle against the skin. It was difficult to decide where he wanted to look, the other’s face was problematic because it reminded him of sexual situations they have been in, same with the hair as he had grabbed it. 

Sexual arousal easily influenced the way the brain worked. Hoseok’s hair had been calming before but now it was difficult to remember that fact. Staring down was also a bad choice, as Hoseok had rather nice thighs, so only the ceiling remained. Glancing up and swallowing slowly Hyungwon began going through the fibonacci sequence in his head.

“Don't look up please, it stretches the skin,” the other man murmured, looking up at him and pausing the inking. Hyungwon just sighed, genuinely unsure whether that was a strategic move or the truth. Instead of commenting or complaining he kept his head straight and closed his eyes, continuing his sequence, imagining the numbers in various colors. After he got to the ten thousands he shifted a little, discomfort remaining. Closed eyes left more possibilities for imagination, also apart from numbers. Hoseok’s hot breath against his neck also didn’t really help.

“Are you purposefully trying to make it difficult for me?” Hyungwon asked eventually, opening his eyes and glancing at the eyelashes of Hoseok’s right eye. They were pretty. The needle left his skin and the artist looked at him. 

“Difficult? What do you mean? Something wrong?” The pink tongue slid along Hoseok's bottom lip. 

He was pure evil.

“You’re close. I’m hard. In addition fibonacci isn’t helping,” Hyungwon simply remarked and sighed again, glancing over the other man’s shoulder and focusing on the second tattoo table, probably belonging to the bodyguard-like man he saw on his second visit.

The gaze went from his eyes to his lips, moving along the neck, the tattooed chest and stomach, down to his crotch before going up, as the other man exhaled roughly.

“I was close before too. And you're the one making it difficult.” The other closed the big eyes and nibbled on the bottom lip before leaning in, needle continuing to slide over his skin. Hyungwon felt the yearning again, attention switching to Hoseok’s face as he talked and unwilling to return to the non-stimulating tattoo table. 

He waited patiently for a short moment during which Hoseok lifted the needle from his skin, watching intently. As soon as he did Hyungwon grabbed the arm with the machine, pulling it further away from his body and lifting Hoseok’s chin towards him with the fingers of his other hand, letting their lips touch. 

It wasn’t quite possible to describe it as a calming sensation. It had something soft to it, but it also sent spikes from his lips over his neck and chest to his lower body, unwilling to part but knowing he would have to eventually. The tattoo was supposed to be more important and he had to act accordingly. His lips left Hoseok’s and he kept his fingers on the other’s chin for a few seconds longer before letting the artist go completely and watching the wall across from him, trying hard to focus on it, lower lip sucked into his mouth.

Hoseok stared at him, eyes wide and lips parted, shaky breaths leaving in succession, air hitting against Hyungwon’s skin. 

_ You broke his concentration, Hyungwon. _

“I’m sorry for keeping your from work, it’s just...yeah,” he whispered, not sure why but it seemed more fitting with their proximity, usual volume much too loud. It was dead quiet, not even the constant noises from outside were perceivable, the sound of the breaths leaving Hoseok’s lips the only one he was aware of.

“It's just yeah?” Hoseok whispered back, licking over his lips again. Hyungwon inhaled slowly and closed his eyes for a few seconds. He had tried to slip past his control glitch, but apparently it wasn't meant to be. Hoseok had an affinity for breaking his plans.

“No, it’s basically electricity running from my lips to my dick and making it twitch, but considering you are meant to work I thought it would be way too ‘not safe for work’.”

Hoseok threw his head back, groaning in frustration and staying in the position for a couple of seconds. 

“Asshole,” he muttered, before placing one hand on Hyungwon’s thigh and leaning in to add more dots on the skin of his chest.

_ Just imagine what you would draw if you would draw now, Hyungwon. _

He closed his eyes again, focusing on the needle and imagining the way he would express Hoseok’s features, this time with the lip piercing sucked into his mouth. Hyungwon wanted to face-palm at his inability to play with it whenever he kissed the other man. Something must have been constantly breaking his determination once their lips touched. It was ridiculous. He was just about to say it out loud when he remembered that the other man was trying hard to work and Hyungwon was only distracting him with every word that left his lips.

_ But you’re yearning for some kind of contact to imagine the drawing. _

He bit his lip, eyes remaining closed and slid his hand towards Hoseok’s until he covered it, warmth seeping through his skin and tingling sensation spreading in his stomach. Hyungwon wanted to draw it.

“Almost done.” Hoseok’s hand tightened and fingers dug into the muscles of his thigh. Hyungwon just nodded in response, hoping the other man saw it because he wasn’t willing to open his eyes yet. He needed the darkness and the sensation of the needle and the warm hand under his to keep his wits. He wasn’t going to lose control no matter what.

_ Ask him something relevant and not sexually loaded. _

“How would you like me to pay for the tattoo?”

The hand left his thigh almost immediately, while Hoseok paused the machine. 

“It's free.” There was something serious in the other man's expression, tainting the normally very soft features, before he leaned in again, and the buzzing sound filled the room. 

Hyungwon couldn’t help the wide smile that spread his lips at the words. Hoseok was giving him a present and it fit well with his predicament.

“Thank you so much for giving me such a present. It is really meaningful to me! I was worried because I hate credit cards and didn’t know if I have enough cash. If you would have said you want me to pay by card that would have been pretty bad,” he replied and relaxed a little, one worry taken care of and feeling surprised at Hoseok’s willingness to leave him a present like that.

“It's not a present.” The low voice sounded strange and the machine stopped. “Done.” Hoseok stood up and walked over to the sink, coming back with a wet tissue. Sitting down between Hyungwon’s legs again, he started wiping over his chest, gently applying pressure and getting rid of the remaining ink.

Hyungwon couldn’t help wondering how long he was going to be able to remain seated like that, seeing Hoseok in front of him and reachable. The artist had pointed out that he wished to be close and that he considered him attractive. Therefore an action on Hyungwon’s side shouldn’t have been a problem. 

_ He's done working so what are you waiting for? _

He waited patiently for the other man to take care of the tattoo until he decided that it was sufficient, grabbing his chin and clashing their lips together, fingers of his right hand immediately sinking into the hair and tilting the head. The spikes were back almost immediately, filling out his chest and lower body, easily overshadowing the tingling of the freshly inked tattoo. It was a sweet feeling, resembling relief.

The other man leaned back a little, breathing harshly, pupils blown and licking over his lips repeatedly. 

“What the fuck, Won?” 

_ Isn't that obvious? _

“I’m kissing you senseless,” Hyungwon replied, closing the distance again and pressing the other man closer, nibbling on his lower lip. The hand in the blue hair tilted his head further so Hyungwon could properly lick inside his mouth and suck on his tongue. Hoseok complied, pressing himself against Hyungwon’s body, arms curling around his waist, before one went up his naked back, nails leaving burning trails. 

“What do you want? Won, what the fuck do you want?” Hoseok groaned against Hyungwon’s lips, not letting go, fingers tightening around his waist. Hyungwon thought about that for less than two seconds, decision easy and clear. He stood up, pulling Hoseok up as well and turning, thereby pressing the other man into the table.

“I want to return the favour,” he breathed against the other man’s lips, fingers pulling his hair and free hand running over Hoseok’s defined chest and stomach, index and middle finger dipping under the waistband of his jeans teasingly and remaining there.

“But you don't need to return anything, so what do you want from me? Why are you making it so fucking hard to resist?” Hoseok looked gone, lips red from biting and blush covering the cheeks, breathing shaky and unstable, hands clenched into fists.

_ Pleasure is always so much easier to understand, Hyungwon. Just make sure it stays pleasure without the calm. _

“You.” The answer was simple again. Hoseok’s questions were unnecessarily complex in their formulations for the situation. Hyungwon didn’t want to waste time, kissing the blood-red lips and playing with the waistband again, dipping his fingers in and out of it as he stroked along the beautiful neck, pulling the head to the side to leave light teeth marks along the line from Hoseok’s ear to his shoulder. The artist had beautiful skin, like porcelain, like a blank sheet of paper and Hyungwon wished to mark it, to fill it with fine lines and patterns.

Hoseok moaned at the touch, so responsive and reacting to every single caress of his fingers and lick of his tongue. His hands gave up eventually and curled around Hyungwon’s waist, roaming over his back and pressing him closer. 

“Fuck. Holy fucking shit.” The low voice filled his ears as the other man was complying to every movement of Hyungwon’s hands. It was fascinating and he couldn’t look away. The way Hoseok’s lips parted to release a moan and how the eyes shut and opened in alteration spread goosebumps over his skin. He wanted to draw it. 

All of it.

Biting down on the other man’s neck he stopped dipping his fingers into the jeans and undid the button instead, pulling down the zipper easily and sliding his hand into the underwear, rubbing over the tip of his erection, catching the resulting moan with his lips. He was slowly getting where he wanted, but he felt impatient.

“Would you jump up?” he whispered into Hoseok’s ear and gave him enough space to get on the table.

The man with sea coloured hair complied, propping himself up on the leather and lifting his body until it sank down on the table, legs spread so Hyungwon could easily fit between them. Hoseok was beyond attractive and he could easily perceive the familiar tingling in his fingers and chest he had when he considered someone especially beautiful. The artist was definitely a person like that. 

Hyungwon licked over his lips, slid between the handsome man’s legs and placed another deep kiss against his mouth, enjoying the taste and the combination of senses. None of them were overwhelming but complemented each other instead, a tight coil developing in his lower body the more time passed. His senses were absolutely sharp, aware of everything, his actions, his goals, his intentions, Hoseok’s reactions. 

Hyungwon was in control.

He pulled down the jeans until the middle of Hoseok’s thighs and sank to his knees with a grin.

_ Maybe he’ll finally believe you that you like it. _

 

***

 

It was so incredibly hard. Hyungwon was making it so incredibly hard for him to stay composed, to not throw the machine in the corner and press the other man against the wall, doing exactly what his body was screaming at him since moment one. Actually it had gotten worse, something mixed into the feelings of tension and ridiculously prominent sexual attraction. Something that made him react differently than he usually would have.  
  
Hoseok was absolutely sure of jumping the other man immediately after finishing his work, collecting the last bit of breathing ability, which was especially frustrating considering the fact that the other had kissed him and touched him throughout the process and sat there, being half naked and hard, not even trying to hide the fact.  
  
_And having your tattoo on his shoulder._ __  
__  
_And his chest._ __  
__  
He was sure, before the other had asked him how he wanted to get payed. The emptiness returned full force, the way he had felt after the hook-up in Hyungwon’s office.   
  
_Like shit. You’ve felt like shit and you will feel like shit again._ __  
__  
It was done. The drawing he had created of Hyungwon, the forest in the night, seen through a binocular graced the other man’s chest, fitting so beautifully into the previous tattoo and complimenting the golden skin.   
  
Won was hot. Holy mother of god, he was so hot that Hoseok was halfway through losing his mind when the other had placed himself between his legs and pulled Hoseok’s pants down.  
  
_He said he wanted to return the favor, Hoseok. He’ll probably do it, let you moan like a good boy and leave, thinking you’re even._ __  
__  
He didn’t want it. It seemed so unfair somehow. Hoseok had no idea what was wrong with him for denying getting a blowjob from a hot, half naked, beautiful man, willingly grinning from between his legs.  
  
_He hates losing control, but makes you lose control on a regular basis._ _Him having your art on his skin is not the point here. It is not a reason to comply._ __  
__  
Hoseok sucked in a long breath that stayed in his lungs for a whole century, before he released it through his nose and jumped back down, sliding his pants up and pulling the zipper.   
  
“No. That’s not how that game goes.” He leaned against the leather and glanced at the other man, appearing perfectly fine, whereas he was basically dying on the inside. His body was screaming curses at him, dick twitching at every movement of the plump lips. Won froze in his actions, glancing up at Hoseok, eyes wide and lips parting in surprise. A few seconds passed in which he did nothing until he stood up, still focused on him.

“And how does it go?” he asked carefully, arm reaching out to curl around Hoseok’s waist.   
  
_ He’s a fucking tease, but what did you expect? Look at him. _ __  
__  
Hoseok needed the other to understand his point properly, for no fucking reason. He could’ve also just told the other man to fuck off, just like he did with Changkyun.   
  
_ He won’t leave, Hoseok, he’s not like that. _ __  
__  
The other loved arrangements and schedules and all that buzz so he had to try to make him understand using his own rules. Were there even rules like that?   
  
“It’s simple, you make me lose control, which is not a problem per se, but it’s a problem with you. What I’m saying is, I’m only willing to lose control, if you lose it too. It has to be fair, you know?” Hoseok smiled and licked over his lips, stopping at his piercing and sucking it into his mouth, releasing it shortly after. 

Won stared at him, eyes ridiculously wide and body unmoving until he glanced to the side, teeth nibbling on his lower lip and finger pressing down in regular intervals on Hoseok’s waist. His breaths got faster, mouth opening slightly and eyes focusing on a particular spot on the side.

“Why is that important to you? Isn’t the result the same, pleasure?” The confusion was apparent and the other looked impossibly uncomfortable, as if Hoseok had announced a cancer diagnosis to him. 

It seemed familiar, Won looked scared.   
  
It was all the same, every fucking time, the other man’s reactions just didn’t make sense. He lied about the tattoo, but walked into his shop wanting to get tattooed, looking scared. He wanted Hoseok, at least that was what he had said, but he was scared to show some dedication? What the fuck was the whole drama even about?    
  
“Why? Don’t want to? You can’t just play with me like that and not give anything back. It’s not fun like this. That’s why I told you to stay away, but you come here, show me the picture that saved my artistic life, and want another one. I’m all over your body already Hyungwon, don’t you get it? And yet you’re standing here, scared of moaning into my face. I just don’t understand. If you don’t want it, just go.” Hoseok threw his head back while exhaling sharply as he used to do every time something had made him angry. Won’s behaviour was the reason for most of the adrenaline he felt over the last couple of weeks.

The other man’s face changed, eyes returning to Hoseok’s face, focusing on the eyes and expression turning strangely serious. It wasn’t the static features he usually had.

“Is that how my actions appear to others? As if I play without returning anything?” he asked, taking a deep breath, corners of the mouth twitching shortly. “What does losing control mean to you, Hoseok? I am not sure whether we are on the same page about that.” __  
__  
_ He doesn’t understand that giving back doesn’t mean returning a favour or performing the same action.  _ __  
__  
“It means that I foolishly assume the other person won’t fuck me over, while it’s gone. I can feel everything to the fullest and both agree, that no-one will get hurt, because both give a similar sacrifice. My concern is just that I don’t want to feel like shit, okay? Although I do have to thank you for not jumping my ex-boyfriend that evening because my mouth tasted like you and the way you said you hated me. I appreciated that.” He didn’t want to sound bitter, but damn it was, even if Hyungwon probably didn’t get it. 

Like most of the time. 

“Shit,” Hyungwon gasped as he grabbed Hoseok and just hugged him, pressing him against his chest and placing a hand on his head without running his fingers through his hair for once. “I never really get shit, fuck. I didn’t know that you interpreted it that badly. I had tried to explain that hatred was only the word I used at that moment and that it hadn’t meant anything.” He took a deep breath. “When I lose control I am not worried about what you will do to me, Hoseok. I have no worries about that. I am worried about what I will do. I get delirious, asking for things that I might not mean. It scares me and that’s what I always wish to avoid. I don’t want to make you feel like shit. I really don’t, fuck.” He sounded exasperated, quickly spilling out words and squeezing his shoulders tightly.    
  
“It scares me that you might mean everything you say when you’re supposedly under control,” Hoseok exhaled, trying to make sense of the sudden change in the other man’s behaviour. “You have to be careful of the tattoo, I need to put cream on it and the foil,” he whispered against the earlobe that was next to his lips. 

“I wasn’t under control when I told you I hated you. I usually filter a lot when I am under control because most of the things I think and want are not really well understood. I’ve always been doing that, Hoseok. You already make me lose control everytime you’re next to me.” Won ignored his comment about the tattoo and just continued babbling. “I’m going mad.”   
  
Hoseok wanted to say something, about control and different perceptions, ask why the other was always next to him when he hated losing control so much, but the familiar scent filled his nostrils, the cherry wood spread along his nose and clouded his brain, perceiving the half naked body, suddenly so burning hot next to him, the whale visible from the corner of his eye and he curled his arm around the thin waist. One hand went up to the raven black hair, raking through it, concentrating on the feeling it provided, like silk flowing between his fingers, tingling softly.   
  
_ Maybe this is why he likes to touch your hair? _ __  
__  
“No, I’m going mad, Hyungwon,” he whispered instead.

One arm loosened around him, but only to curl around his neck instead, long fingers sinking into his blue hair as if they had been waiting for it, tension suddenly leaving the body in his arms.

“I’m scared that-” Won stopped, glancing into Hoseok’s eyes for an extended period of time before he closed them, sucking in a deep breath. “That my head secretly likes it because it feels more like myself. Because you make me want to draw.”    
  
Hoseok kept his hand in the black hair, stroking it lightly, feeling the way it retreated when he touched it. His fingers travelled over the naked back, skin so hot although the other had been half naked for almost two hours already.    
  
“I love the first picture you drew for me. It felt so-I don’t even know, special? Not because I was on it too. It had this aura, the aura of you at this studio at 5AM. My favourite.” He smiled, remembering Shownu’s gaze as he had asked the other man to tattoo it on his back. He was still making fun of it but it remained one of the most beautiful things someone had ever given him. 

“You liked the way I was at your studio that time?” Hyungwon asked, surprise evident in his voice, fingers stroking over Hoseok’s hair calmly.   
  
“It’s more the combination. I liked the way you were and the way I was, with you. Does that make sense?” He placed a short kiss on the tattooed shoulder. Hyungwon nodded slowly.

“It’s just that...that night was the most lost I have ever been. I didn’t want to tell you that you tattooed me because I didn’t really want to talk about it. But it didn’t really matter because the exact same thing kept happening around you. Independent of that night.” Hyungwon chuckled suddenly. “Without me being drunk as fuck.”   
  
Hoseok leaned back, eyes widened and absolutely in shock.    
  
“You were drunk? Are you crazy? I asked you because I never tattoo drunk people, why didn’t you tell me?” His heartbeat sped up suddenly at the last sentences that had reached his consciousness right after the being drunk one. “You feel lost with me? Maybe I’m a bad company for you then.” Hoseok smiled and kissed the shoulder again, the smooth skin felt so intense against his lips.

“I didn’t tell you because to me it seemed like I had never felt as free and calm. I made calm decisions and although humans still didn’t make sense I knew what I wanted. And I wanted your tattoo. I don’t regret getting it. I never did. It’s the most beautiful piece of art that I had ever seen and now you added another piece. Thank you.” The other man took another deep breath and leaned his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. “I already told you why I stay around you. I can’t help it. You make me feel emotions before they happen and you make me want to draw. I need both so I need you. There is something about you. I wish I could understand.”   
  
_ This is weird, Hoseok. This is really weird, everything about this whole situation is weird.  _ __  
__  
“There’s basically a whole bathtub of stuff about you I don’t understand and I don’t even know whether I will be able to understand, but fuck- the fact that you came to my studio three years ago and are leaning on my shoulder now, with my art inked on your skin seems extremely surreal to me.” Hoseok had no idea how it turned from a crazy midnight visit, to the discovery of his long lost art, to tension that could’ve been cut by a fucking knife, to hugging half naked while pressed into a tattoo table and whispering emotionally loaded confessions into each others’ skin. 

He didn’t want to say anything. He was afraid of his thoughts.

Hyungwon’s fingers began their usual rhythm, pressing down on Hoseok’s skin in a regular pattern, constantly alternating and the breaths that hit the skin of his shoulder became a little faster. He could feel how the slim man in his arms parted his lips as if he wanted to say something before he closed them again, repeating the procedure a few times until almost silently whispered words finally reached his ears.

“I think I need a moment to get my shit together and to think, but fuck my life I’m afraid to think. What the hell is going on? Everything had been so easy just now.”   
  
“Good for you. I was basically dying. I still am, but yeah.” Hoseok wanted to kiss him. At least once. Why was Hyungwon always the one to kiss him? He also wanted to randomly do what he wanted. The hand in the black hair tightened a little around the strands and he tilted Won’s head back, finding his lips and sucking them into his mouth, sliding over them with his pierced tongue. The other man moaned unexpectedly, arms curled around his neck and closed his eyes tightly, lips parting for good.    
  
_ Holy fucking shit. _ __  
__  
There was nothing more needed for Hoseok to throw everything overboard. He wasn’t the one with the fear of losing control. His tongue slid into the other man’s mouth, while his right hand kept pulling the thin hips against his own. Hyungwon whimpered and intertwined his fingers further with the strands of Hoseok’s hair, biting down on his lower lip and hissing at the sensation.

_ Where did all the sensuality come from? _   
  
He had absolutely no idea what happened, but Hyungwon had apparently unleashed a beast that was fucking Hoseok up with one flick of his delicious tongue. The fabric, his shirt, he hated it, so fucking much. Leaning back a little, loosening the other man’s grip in his hair, he pulled it over his head and attached himself to Hyungwon’s lips again, moaning into the warm mouth, and hissing at the body heat that flushed against his skin in an unbearable intensity.

The other immediately returned the hand back to his hair as fingers caressed the newly uncovered skin, stroking Hoseok’s arms, shoulders and chest before pressing himself closer. Hyungwon played with his tongue piercing, sucking on it and running his own lower lip over it.

“Fuck, I’ll finally remember,” he muttered and buried the nails of his left hand in Hoseok’s back. The burning made his body flush against the other man even more, both hands reaching down to grab the lean thighs, as he sat down on the tattoo table and pulled Hyungwon up on his lap, catching his lips with his teeth, nibbling on them and moaning from the way the other felt sitting on his thighs.

“Oh god,” Hyungwon gasped and leaned his head back a little, teeth biting down on his lower lip and eyes closed, hands slowly moving up Hoseok’s chest without the other man looking until they arrived at his face, grasping it in both his hands. The large brown eyes opened, staring right at him before Hyungwon kissed him, gaze remaining intact.   
  
“You’re fucking me up, Won. I want you, I want you so much I feel like nothing is enough.” It was not even exaggerated. It was simply the truth. Why was everything so incredibly intense? Lack of sleep? Strange infatuation? Hoseok had no idea. The other just robbed every proper thought from his head. His hands slid up and down the golden skin of Hyungwon’s chest, before letting his fingers roam over the other man’s lean thighs, slipping into one of the holes, to feel more skin and hissing at the feeling under his fingertips. A moan graced his ears again as Hyungwon threw his head back and buried his nails in Hoseok’s shoulders, eyes squeezing shut. 

Hoseok loved it. 

He loved Hyungwon’s voice, the way he sucked in air and how low the moans were. He wanted to hear more. Massaging Won’s thigh through the hole in the jeans, Hoseok used his other hand to undo the button and unzip them, not leaving much time for useless thinking and curling his fingers around the prominent erection, so perfectly warm and straight in his hand. He leaned in and sunk his teeth into the beautiful neck, nibbling on the jugular and trailing off towards the collarbone, using his tongue piercing to add up on the sensations. 

Hoseok could feel how the other man’s thighs shivered on top of him, fingers desperately trying to get a hold as Won attempted to silence himself, biting his lip and turning to the side, but it wasn’t enough to cover it up, beautifully low pants leaving his mouth.   
  
“Show me, fuck, I want you to show me that you like it as much as I do.” Hoseok licked over the collarbone and moved his hand, fingers forming a tight ring and sliding up and down. The other man’s eyes widened as he curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck tightly and pulled him into a kiss, moaning into his mouth instead, harsh pants brushing against lips whenever their mouths parted.

“Fuck, I can’t think,” Hyungwon groaned and turned his head again, eyes closed.   
  
_ This is almost orgasm scale, Hoseok. You need more. _ __  
__  
“Look at me.” He removed the hand from the thigh and grabbed the other man’s chin. Brown eyes opened, focusing on his face, sliding from his lips and over his nose until they finally rested on his eyes. Hyungwon’s lips parted, harsh breaths leaving them before he bit down on his lower one, only stopping to moan and squeeze his eyes shut. Hoseok tilted his head down a little and removed his hand from the other man’s erection, waiting for the gaze to return. When it finally did, he put his hand in front of his mouth, licking every finger once, letting his tongue play with the digits, and knowing the way it must’ve looked like, watching Hyungwon’s expression intently. 

The other man kept his eyes opened wide, lower lip constantly sucked into his mouth until he hissed at the sight, lips parting slowly and breathing the words ‘touch me’ into Hoseok’s face.

Hoseok lost it. He wanted to give the other man everything he wanted. The intensity was immense, considering the way the other had behaved the last time they got intimate. His hand went down immediately, wet thumb digging into the slit and coated fingers curling around the length tightly, stroking it and enjoying the way it felt. His hips shifted under the other man’s body, his own erection straining against the tight fabric uncomfortably and the way Hyungwon moaned being almost too hot to handle without getting at least a little friction out of it. The other man gasped loudly before he leaned forward and bit down on Hoseok’s shoulder, shutting himself up successfully. One of Hyungwon’s hands left its position and quickly slid down to grab his crotch instead, without warning. Hoseok let out a low moan, moving his hips intuitively along with the strokes of his hand.

“I want to touch you properly,” Hyungwon murmured against his shoulder before biting down again to avoid the loud groan that threatened to escape, rubbing his flat palm over Hoseok’s clothed erection.   
  
“Touch me as much as you want, as long as you promise to groan into my face. I can’t get enough of that. You sound so beautiful, holy shit.” Hoseok opened the button of his jeans and pulled the zipper down using his free hand. Hyungwon bit his lip and curled his long fingers around Hoseok’s neglected erection, giving it a squeeze before only rubbing his index finger over the head, not touching it otherwise. Hoseok sucked in air, before groaning loudly, enjoying the way his hand slid over the other man’s perfect dick smoothly. 

He could feel how it twitched in reaction to the sound he made, Hyungwon glancing to the side again and panting with an open mouth. The other man’s reactions intensified as he visibly struggled to quieten himself, thighs shaking and lips blood-red from biting them too much, but he couldn’t help his outbursts. Licking over his lips, Hyungwon finally curled his whole hand around Hoseok’s erection and stroked it properly and quickly.    
  
If Hoseok had lost it before, he surely lost it as soon as Hyungwon touched him with those long fingers. His fast pants were accompanied by low moans, hisses and curses, but he wanted more, he wanted more of the low voice, more of the groaning so he leaned in, sucking on a nipple harshly, while adding more pressure to the strokes and rubbing circles at the tip. Hyungwon’s body immobilized suddenly, one hand squeezing his erection tightly as the fingers of the other pulled harshly at his hair, moaning loudly as he finally released himself in Hoseok’s hand, body giving out, losing muscle tension.   
  
Hoseok wanted to draw it.   
  
“Shit, you’re beautiful,” he whispered, overwhelmed by the sight while holding the body over him in place and wiping off his hand on the shirt he left lying next to him.

“You haven’t come yet,” Hyungwon murmured against his shoulder, letting his long fingers dance over Hoseok’s thighs and dick.   
  
“Fuck,” he groaned, and his muscles tensed under the touch, hips shifting almost immediately, yearning for those long fingers to continue. They did, curling around him properly and increasing their pace as plump lips sucked on the skin of his neck and shoulders, leaving fine marks. Shit, he wanted Hyungwon to draw on his body, with those lips and teeth, it felt outworldly. The tension in his groin became impossible to handle, his breathing got harsh, filled with groans and hisses. The way Hyungwon’s hand moved turned him into a mess, releasing himself with a loud moan that the other man easily caught with his lips.    
  
He threw his head back, fingers digging into the other man’s thighs, while he tried to catch his breath. He still wasn’t over the sight he was able to witness. It was really intense, and Hoseok had seen a plenty of people orgasm before, including himself, when he wanted to see what it looked like when he was sixteen, but this one was somehow different. He couldn’t point out what it was, but the difference was visible. He picked the shirt and cleaned the other man’s hand, before reaching for the tattoo supplies, getting a wet tissue and wiping everything off. 

Hyungwon just remained passive, sitting on his lap and staring at a spot on the tattoo table as Hoseok worked, playing with the fingers of his right hand without focusing on them. Hoseok somehow knew that it was awkward, but his arms curled around the other and he pressed him against his chest tightly, breathing in the intoxicating fragrance of cherry wood mixed with something else that was even more attractive. Hyungwon didn’t move, hot breath hitting Hoseok’s neck as he exhaled slowly.   
  
_ Maybe he is unhappy now, because you made him moan, Hoseok. You shouldn’t have repeated that you want it all the time.  _ __  
__  
“I’m sorry for wanting you to moan, I just love it so much. You’re- somehow- really beautiful, wow.” He couldn’t explain it anyway, so he just shut up and waited for a signal. He didn’t have to wait long as Hyungwon lifted his head and glanced at him.

“Don’t worry about it. And thank you,” he said calmly before slowly climbing off his lap. However his expressions remained a little passive. “You wanted to take care of the tattoo, right?”   
  
_ Yes the tattoo, the reason he came here. Damn it. _ __  
__  
“Sure. Sit down here. I’ll just get another shirt.” He pointed at the chair and turned around, forgetting that he was half naked and had a tattoo of a forest and annual rings on his arm and a huge ass drawing on his back.

“You tattooed it.”

_ Well, that went well. _ __  
__  
“Mhm,” Hoseok muttered and went to get something else to wear. He came back, dressed in a simple black t-shirt, grabbing the cream and foil and kneeling down in front of Hyungwon, rubbing the creme between his fingers to warm it up. 

“Why?” the other man asked after a minute or two, staring at an undefined spot on the wall.   
  
_ Why? _ __  
__  
“I wanted it to be a part of me,” Hoseok whispered before looking up and spreading the cream over the freshly tattooed picture. Again time passed without a response until Hyungwon exhaled slowly. 

“But why?”

Hoseok released the air he was holding inside his lungs, trying to concentrate on the way the freshly tattooed skin looked.

“Why does that matter?” 

Hyungwon didn't answer, just watching him absentmindedly and letting his fingers distract themselves with the holes of his jeans, pulling at the loose strings, changing the rhythm. The picture seemed even more alive shimmering against the golden skin of the other man's chest, the whale’s body seemed to curl around it and swim towards the shoulder. 

Hyungwon’s body was like a painting. Hoseok wanted to put morae art on it but bit down on his lip remembering that the other man was not his canvas. 

_ You already had one canvas.  _

The postorgasmic high faded and he couldn't help the sudden onslaught of thoughts and questions raining down on him all of the sudden. 

_ You still don't know what is going on, Hoseok. He didn't answer any of your questions and you're a clueless idiot succumbing to useless emotional attachment and sexual tension. _

Hyungwon's right hand stroked over his own knee and he stretched out his index finger, drawing circles slowly and chewing on his cheek. It was difficult to tell what he was glaring at, it didn't seem to be anything in particular, just staring into space. He looked like the moon. So beautiful but somehow so far away from him. His mind not able to grasp it. He wanted to draw it, the feeling that made his lungs clench somehow. 

_ Later.  _

Hoseok put the foil over the cream, fixing the ends and smiled. 

“I guess you got what you wanted.”

Hyungwon finally looked up, expression unreadable. The eyes were on him but somehow it didn't feel like the other man was really seeing him. 

“I thought that you got what you wanted,” he whispered and pulled his lips into his mouth, air leaving through the nose.

The emptiness crawled up his mind, clouding his sight. He chuckled. 

“I did. But imagine a blank canvas, lines and colours appearing on it, filling you with euphoria, a picture becoming visible, showing you all the overwhelming beauty at once, before disappearing and leaving back the canvas. White and empty.” Hoseok closed his eyes, trying to remember how the other looked like minutes ago. “You are able to rip it out of my hand as soon as I thought I grasped it.” 

Hyungwon finally focused on his eyes, brown orbs dark and almost penetrating his soul with the intensity of the gaze. 

“Why don't you fill it if it's blank?” he asked, voice low and rather monotone. 

“Because the whole point was that I need you for that.” He almost groaned in frustration again but caught himself and exhaled sharply instead before walking over to the chair and handing the left piece of clothing to the other man. “Never mind.”

_ He probably hates you again. Why did you do it in the first place?  _

It didn't matter, fact was that it made him miserable. It made him feel empty and useless. 

_ Just stay the fuck away, what's the point in getting it on if you feel like this? _

“I'll draw here. For your collaboration project. Just tell Kyungsoo if you need something.” Hoseok waited until the other man was dressed and walked over to the door, turning the key and opening it. 

Hyungwon nodded, grabbing his jacket and walking through the door.

_ Yeah look how affected he is, that worked well.  _

_ Stop being his pet, it's pathetic.  _

Hoseok sank on the couch, burying his head between his knees. It was so frustrating, driving him mad and making him miserable. The problem was pretty clear, he got a little too attached by the other man's incredible looks, melting with the sudden signs of affection, the soft strokes on his lips and cheeks, kisses on his mouth and the fingers in his hair, without obvious signs of exclusively sexual attraction. 

It had seemed like more, but Won smashed it all right after, making it look as if Hoseok was the one who misunderstood. Every fucking time. Just like now, thinking that it was somehow intimate, that he was the person from three years ago, that he wanted to get his drawing under his skin again. Hoseok had talked about himself, the picture on his back, honestly wishing to understand Hyungwon’s point. 

_ There is no point. He doesn't care.  _

The other just wanted to touch his hair and draw him and that was it, whereas Hoseok couldn't forget how the other had looked, stroking over his face in the elevator, moaning into his face to touch him, telling him all those things about himself. How he hated losing control and blaming Hoseok for it. 

_ You only like yourself if you lose control.  _

_ There's no way you can handle each other.  _

Good that they wouldn't need to handle each other. Hyungwon seemed fine with not seeing him and so was Hoseok. 

_ Not.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see the tattoo that Hoseok inkes on Hyungwon's chest [here](https://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway/status/971400665133142018).
> 
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	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Hi, I’m Hoseok, please kick me in the nuts.’

Everything felt surreal when he arrived at his apartment, familiarity not sufficient to calm his racing thoughts, one fragmented idea jumping over the next and tangling into an undefined mess of emotions he couldn't separate into single entities.

The walls of his home didn't provide any comfort and neither did the careful arrangement of furniture. They weren't able to change the facts. Nothing was. 

_ You lost control.  _

His breathing frequency increased and for a few seconds he yearned to do the one thing he had always done as a child whenever the situation overwhelmed him, running to his room and curling up in his blanket, humming loudly to block out the outside noise. It had always helped before, thoughts returning in a more orderly fashion and emotions equalizing into pleasant neutrality. Instead of an outburst he forced himself to continue his routine, at least the elements he could remember. He brushed his teeth, took care of his skin, went to the bathroom, closed all the open doors in the apartment and lay down in his bed, pulling the blanket up to his nose.

_ It didn’t change anything Hyungwon. You can’t just turn off from it. You have to decide on a course of action. _

Had it not been early morning he would have called Jin, begged him to listen and help him with his current problems as he had always done and still did. His brother would have helped him the way he had as a child when Hyungwon felt overstimulated by others and noise, was afraid of the dark and overreacted in social situations, getting himself in trouble. He couldn’t help but hate the fact that he lived alone and couldn’t rely on Jin to help at all times. But the other was married and led his own life, Hyungwon had no right to intrude more than he already did.

_ You are an adult and need to find a solution yourself, Hyungwon. _

He had gone to Hoseok’s tattoo studio, wishing for the other man to engrave another drawing, another complex arrangement of emotions that Hyungwon perceived with every glance at the fine lines. He could feel the freshly inked tattoo now, tingling on his chest and reminding him of what happened. It didn’t matter whether he returned to routine or not. The fact that he had lost control again, in almost the same situation, remained. The tattoo would serve as a reminder. Forever. 

_ And this time you didn’t even need alcohol to fuck up. _

It was amusing somehow. Hyungwon had wished to confirm, to figure out whether the experience he had undergone three years ago was something utopic and unreal, something he had dreamed up for himself. Just that the question had been irrelevant. Hyungwon knew the answer. He knew it now and he had known it before letting the other man engrave another piece of him on his skin. 

_ You just wanted the drawing to be part of you, you wanted to feel the calm. _

But it had been a lie hadn’t it? Hyungwon had believed that Hoseok was the storm and the calm, forcing his inhibitions to succumb and thereby losing his grip on the situation just to be calmed by a simple kiss of the other’s lips. But that wasn’t quite the truth. The calm was there, spreading and causing the unquenchable yearning to draw, to imprint Hoseok’s features onto paper for eternity, but the storm wasn’t defeated by the calm. The calm was just a catalyst, calming the waters of the sea, lulling him into a false sense of security until the force had already reached his defense, breaking it down bit by bit.

_ The calm was a trap, Hyungwon and you fell into it, thinking that it was something it’s not. _

His limbs shivered from the cold, something that his brain invented on its own to fit his emotional state. He knew that. It happened regularly and since his apartment always stayed with the exact same temperature it was easy to tell when it happened. Focusing on his work or drawing was possible, releasing his frustration and strange infatuation with the other man’s face and expressions by broadcasting it onto blank sheets of paper, but Hyungwon wasn’t sure in how far he could mend a broken wall.

Something about his actions constantly hurt Hoseok and Hyungwon couldn’t tell what it was. The other misinterpreted him at all times, believing he hated him and the things he made Hyungwon feel. It wasn’t true. There was no possibility for him to hate it. Pleasure remained pleasure independent of rules and regulations. However the feeling of losing control was something Hyungwon hated. A lot.

_ You were supposed to at least. _

It was scary. Changes had always been the one thing that fucked with his mind, taking every barely formulated thought and scrambling it back into tiny little pieces, impossible to collect and fit together. Hoseok was bringing about change, he had back when they met three years ago and he was now. Back then he had returned Hyungwon’s ability to draw, fueling his feelings and inspiration with the tattoo on his shoulder, reminding him of its meaning and what he had felt back then. However, even now the other man was altering Hyungwon’s reality. Everything that he wanted to draw focused around the man with the blue and sand-colored hair, evoking pleasant memories that Hyungwon associated with the sea, calm and tranquil. It felt relaxing to touch the other’s hair, like letting go on the water, swimming on the surface without sinking and knowing that there was no reason to be afraid.

_ But why does he make you feel this way? _

He didn’t know. It could have been the combination of alcohol, emotional reactions and the kiss, all of the above unusual actions that brought about change and disorder, impossible to evaluate by his brain, thereby leaving the association with similar events, causing the emotions to return full force each time Hyungwon found himself in a similar situation. It was like a reflex, not controlled by conscious thinking anymore. 

He had been fine with kissing and losing his awareness of himself, for a few seconds only, getting inspiration in return. It had been a deal he would have accepted willingly, brain unfocused but creatively stimulated by the other man. However he would have never agreed to losing control on both sides in the way they did. Hyungwon hated it. He hated it so much that his skin tingled from the wish to grab his blanket and rip it to shreds or hit his head against the wall as he used to do as a child. Everything, just so the memory of his lack of awareness disappeared from his head. He didn’t want to lose control but the other man had made him.

_ You let him, Hyungwon. _

The pleasure had been so easy to comprehend, body movements simple just like the actions Hyungwon needed to reach his goal of satisfying the other man, but he hadn't let him. Instead he had begun an emotional discussion that Hyungwon hadn’t been ready for, opened himself up to him and showed him how much he was hurt.

_ There was no way that you could have stayed calm. The information was new, overwhelming. _

Hoseok shouldn’t have kissed him when he was weak. It had been like a short-circuit in an electric wiring system, turning off all the relevant nodes. It had been terrifying. Hyungwon had perceived the way his hands moved and lips parted, performing sexual actions, but none of them had felt like he made conscious decision to perform them, pleasure taking over and numbing his senses.

_ You can’t let that happen again, Hyungwon, no matter how much you want to draw. Order and control is more important. You won’t be able to function and you know it. Everyone around you knows it. _

He swallowed deeply, curling his arms and legs around the blanket on top of him and squeezing his eyes shut, attempting to calm the process of his thoughts and to return to the calculated emptiness he preferred. As soon as he was back in control it wouldn’t be hard to remain that way. He would only have to keep Hoseok at a distance. Only that.

The right corner of his mouth lifted slightly, comfort spreading through his limbs at the successful identification of a solution. He would put some space between them and only evaluate the drawings Hoseok created for the project, keeping work professional and making it impossible for himself to lose control around the other man, simply because he wouldn’t be around the other man. After all Hoseok decided to work from his studio, minimizing their interactions. 

Hyungwon exhaled slowly, eyes feeling heavy after the eventful day, clock on the wall showing that it was half past five in the morning and he had barely any hours left to sleep before the start of his next morning routine. The calculated emptiness returned, spreading through his chest, arms and fingertips, taking up every little bit of space in his body until he felt on top of the world again, aware of everything around him. Every decision, every perception and every desire. The desire to remain in control.

Only very silently there was a thought knocking at the border of his consciousness begging for attention with all of its might.

_ You loved how he made you lose control, Hyungwon. _

He ignored it.

_

 

It was Tuesday. The one day that had no clearly defined schedule, open for Hyungwon's spontaneous ideas, which meant things he decided to do about a week in advance. The grey building looked the same as always, excessively decorated to not look like what it really was and to create a feeling of comfort. Hyungwon wasn't sure whether it was successful with others but the familiarity was already sufficient to make him relax. Walking past the glass door and focusing on the green palm trees on the sides he couldn’t help the smile on his lips. He really liked coming there. 

Hyungwon nodded at the receptionist, glancing at her done nails instead of her face and sat down in the waiting room. His fingers were tightly clasped around an envelope, one he had filled with his works and brought as a help with explaining himself. After all words were rarely sufficient and his drawings were able to say so much more, especially since he had met Hoseok.

The doctor's office opened and a relatively tall figure walked over to the reception, broad shoulders and unnecessary hand gestures, wearing a white coat. Hyungwon grinned and immediately called out his brother’s name, standing up and walking over to him.

“I keep betting with Marilyn that you'll arrive at the exact minute but she never wants to bet with me,” Jin commented, throwing a hand kiss at the receptionist, who was probably Marilyn, and eventually gestured at Hyungwon to follow him to his office. It also looked the same and Hyungwon liked it, chairs and a large couch were present, possibility to decide where he wanted to sit always open. Not like he ever sat anywhere except for the couch, but the thought counted. Jin’s desk was orderly, probably because he was visiting and his brother had a tendency to make things as easy as possible for him. Even the pencils were lying on the side in a neat row. It was pretty.

_ But that’s not why you’re here. _

Hyungwon gave the other man a hug as soon as the door closed, letting his head fall on a broad shoulder and groaning in frustration. Jin was evidently caught off guard, dropping a pen he was holding and lifting his arms in defense before he laughed loudly and pressed his lean body closer. 

“What the hell happened this time?” he asked, pulling Hyungwon over to the middle of the room and seating him on the couch. “I mean- I appreciate the visit at work and all but usually you're happy seeing us on Saturday for food.”

Hyungwon always had the tendency to run to Jin whenever something happened, solving it with the other man's help and getting his relevant input for social situations he wanted to prepare in advance. Jin had helped him a lot with client contact when he had just started out. This time it was a little more complicated than that though. 

“Everything is a fucking mess,” he groaned again and let his back fall deeper into the couch, spreading his legs for comfort. Jin always had cushions with his favourite material. “My life is over.”

Seokjin just rolled his eyes and slapped his thigh.

“Your autistic ass thinks that _ every _ time someone changes the colour of their fucking office furniture. What was it now? Have you accidentally spoken exactly what you think again and freaked someone out?” his brother asked in succession, amusement still on his face. He must have really doubted the seriousness of the problem. 

_ Have you freaked Hoseok out? He didn't really seem like it though.  _

“No, I met the person from three years ago again and still want to touch his hair because it reminds me of when we went to the sea and exactly how it felt Jin! You know I'm not good with emotions but when I touch his hair everything is so calm but intense at the same time.” Hyungwon closed his eyes, trying to remember the feeling properly so he could express it well enough. “Maybe like walking on water?”

Jin seemed surprised but laughed at his last comment, squeezing Hyungwon’s thigh once before he rolled a little closer with his office chair. 

“Only you would say that touching a guy’s hair makes you feel like Jesus. So why is everything a mess? He doesn't want you to touch it?” The doctor frowned at him a little as he adjusted his robe. “Don't take it personally but you should know that's pretty damn normal. I wouldn't let my boss touch my hair just because he gets Jesus epiphanies.” Hyungwon nodded. It made sense but it wasn't the whole story and he needed a solution for something else. 

“He makes me draw a lot, like- I feel the emotions. Wait let me show you what I drew! You'll also want to touch his hair!” he exclaimed and opened the envelope he had taken along, showing Jin the last five drawings he had created after his control lapse half a week ago. All of them had been finished at night as usual, concentrating on the emotions he had felt through Hoseok and expressing them with shades and partially with expressions on the other man’s face.

Jin took them carefully and examined each one delicately, before he stopped at one of Hyungwon's favourites. 

“This one makes me a little uncomfortable and no Hyungwon I don't want to touch his hair, but that doesn't have to mean anything. You really drew him a lot. I remember you doing that back then as well.”

_ You did, but you also stopped eventually.  _

“It's okay. You're probably uncomfortable cause that's what he looked like when he came. I really like this one. It looks exactly like he did and has the emotions too. It’s a little overwhelming even, a burning sensation. So I try not to look at it too much. Boners in public are really unpleasant,” he elaborated and remembered how complex his emotional state had been as he drew it, trying to remember the way the other man bit his lip and moaned instead of his own perception of losing control, blinded by passion.

Jin coughed once, glancing at the door before he turned to Hyungwon and massaged his temples. 

“You have a fascination with his hair and had enough time to get him off? Damn, if this continues I'll be taking money for this complex relationship advice. I treat mental disorders and not hair obsessions. I like you too much, Hyungwon. Go ahead, explain.” Jin pouted and also relaxed on his seat, watching Hyungwon. 

“Well my brain kinda turns off when I touch his hair and kiss him, but it was okay because it felt calm. I thought getting sexual would be okay too because it was something separate. Me losing control when I kissed him on the one hand, and pleasuring him on the other hand, were very different things and pleasure did not make me lose control. I’m good at holding that in. But half a week ago it started with pleasure only but then he suddenly kissed me when I was mentally weak and then I lost my shit and my awareness and he touched me and I t-” Hyungwon stopped talking as Jin held up his hand, silencing him. 

“No details, Hyungwon. What’s the point? You lost control during sex?” he asked carefully, expression more serious and less teasing than it had been before. Jin had identified an aspect that needed clarification. Hyungwon must have misunderstood something again or Jin was just surprised by the fact that he had indeed lost control although keeping it in the flat of his palm had always been one of his virtues.

“Yes. He asked me to moan and stuff and I just did it, unable to stop and I never do,” Hyungwon murmured as the memories returned and he felt a tingling sensation sliding down his back. “It was crazy and I don’t really want to talk about that. Not even to you.”

“Have you been okay afterwards? Out of it?”

He shook his head. It hadn't been that bad. He had been scared but not out of it or delirious. However he still felt scared to experience it again, burning sensations numbing his thoughts and setting his body ablaze.

“I was okay I guess. My problem is rather that Hoseok keeps saying that I treat him like a cat for wanting to pat his hair and being emotionally unresponsive, not showing him that I like it,” Hyungwon explained, confusion regaining intensity as he remembered the details, more cognitive about his approach. “In the end he was really confusing and said that I showed him a really bright picture, filling it with patterns and everything just to rip all of it out of his hands again.”

Jin stared at him for a few seconds, crossing his hands on his knee in front of him and nodding a few times as Hyungwon talked. When he finished his elaboration the other man nodded a final time and leaned back slowly. 

“Have you guys…agreed on keeping the relationship non-emotional? A hookup or whatever you want to call it?” Jin asked carefully. Hyungwon felt confused again but not too worried because Jin always knew how to explain things to him. 

“You mean like with Minhyuk?” Jin nodded quickly in agreement. 

“Just less permanent I assume because you meet Minhyuk regularly. Have you and Hoseok been close several times?” his brother asked calmly and this time Hyungwon nodded. The times they had kissed piled up easily. 

“But it would have been impossible to agree on a non emotional relationship because he makes me feel emotions, so how would I seperate that? I wanted to stay in control but he wanted me to lose it. It doesn't make sense.” Hyungwon breathed out slowly. Everything was so damn complicated. 

Jin nodded at his words and a thoughtful smile appeared on his pretty face. It was the smile he always had when Hyungwon made a mistake, one that resulted in him hurting someone. 

_ It's not a rare occurrence, Hyungwon. _

“Listen, Hyungwon,” Jin began and sighed before a reassuring smile appeared. “If you spill so many emotions into the interaction with another person they are bound to believe you wish for more than a few feelings to draw. That's how human's work. But you aren't very expressive in your emotions usually, so it must have felt rather special and unusual to Hoseok. But now you are very calm right?” 

Hyungwon nodded. 

“So the picture doesn't fit together. The other person thought you had further intentions, continuing on an emotional level, but you don't. So they are hurt.” The other man looked a little sad and turned to his working desk, grabbing a cup of coffee and taking a sip before returning his attention to Hyungwon. 

_ It's leading someone on isn't it, Hyungwon? Seems like you've been doing that.  _

“But I wanted to put distance between us now. He made me lose control and I hate that so I'll make sure not to see him so I don't lose my shit anymore,” Hyungwon elaborated in response. His solution still applied and he would be able to solve the situation. It was calming to know that his way of dealing with the problem still applied. Jin had managed to make Hoseok’s intentions clearer but Hyungwon’s resolutions remained the same. 

“And you think that you can?” Jin asked calmly before taking another long sip. Again Hyungwon nodded. There was no reason to think otherwise. He had been fine without seeing Hoseok for three years so not seeing him again shouldn't have been a big deal. He would just draw him until he would get tired and had expressed everything there was to express, every emotion beautifully depicted on a drawing and remaining in his shelf for future reference. He would be fine then.

“Thank you Jin. That really helped. I think I understand now. I’ll get going then, I love you platonically,” Hyungwon said cheerfully and made sure he took all of his stuff before he smiled at his brother and walked towards the door. Just as he was about grab the door handle and leave Jin said his name. Hyungwon turned around.

“You said that Hoseok is the guy that tattooed your shoulder right? Back then?” the other asked and it was one of the rare times that Hyungwon could not tell what his brother was thinking, eyes unreadable and mustering him carefully.

“Yeah,” he replied as he turned back to the door, opening it.

“I hope you’re right about being able to avoid him then.”

Hyungwon walked past the reception and the wall decorations, past explanations about the likelihood of depression and how important seeking help was until he finally left the front door and was outside again. On the whole way to work there was a thought pestering him, infiltrating his mind and once he began focusing on something else it just remained in the back of his head, whispering and sending a shudder down his back, pestering him into doubting himself and believing the repeated words.

_ Jin doubts that you can stay away. _

_ Jin had never been wrong before. _

 

***

 

The days passed one after the other, people coming in, the buzzing of the machine filling the studio and the dripping coffee, staining the white cups, simulating some kind of routine that wasn’t there.    
  
“Are you still upset, that the guy didn’t like moaning into your face? You have really strange kinks, Hoseok,” Shownu murmured before sitting down next to him, handing him a small cup filled with dark brown liquid. 

Hoseok had told him about Hyungwon coming to the studio five days ago, also about the other man having the tattoo over his shoulder and being the person who drew the picture on his back. 

“Don’t you think you’re being too romantic here? I mean it does sound kind of cute with all the drawing and kissing, but he’s a dick, no offense. Who the fuck treats other people like that? If he likes you he should’ve said so. Maybe he just wanted a free tattoo.” 

Hoseok shook his head before closing his eyes and trying to numb his senses with the intoxicating scent of the freshly made espresso. Hyungwon didn’t want a free tattoo, he would’ve paid him shitloads if Hoseok had asked. It was something else and he didn’t understand it. It didn’t make sense but it also didn’t fade the way he wanted it to. He had thought that the longing would disappear, making room for emptiness and that everything would turn back to the normal state of slight burden and routine. 

It didn’t, it got worse, occupying his thoughts and making it impossible to concentrate on his actual task of drawing for the collaboration project. 

“Do you like him? You don’t right? He must be your type, since you have this thing for liking people who step all over your feelings, like, ‘Hi, I’m Hoseok, please kick me in the nuts’.” His best friend laughed at the comparison which was fucking accurate considering his previous relationship with Changkyun. 

He had known his ex-boyfriend for more than four years already. Back then they hadn’t dated, but Hoseok had been interested. There had been something about the young, black-haired guy that had immediately caught his attention. They had laughed and bickered a lot, being in the same art study program.

They had started going out shortly after Hoseok had opened his own tattoo studio and inked the whale, wood and feather on Hyungwon’s shoulder three years ago. It was crazy. Hoseok had lost himself in the turbulence that was Changkyun. The other was flipping his whole world upside down and wrapping him around the beautiful fingers so easily, taking everything Hoseok had to give and rewarding him with the most intense emotional rollercoasters, consisting of fights, impossible love confessions, discussions, semi break-ups and mind blowing sex. 

Hoseok was so happy, so fucking happy the fucking sun shone out of his ass. He also had fun at the studio because the other man had started working with him. Hoseok had wanted to start tattooing his own drawings back then, confident, knowing that he was able to do it, after the one tattoo he had inked at dawn. 

_ Until he just left, Hoseok. _

One day Changkyun hadn’t come to work, and Hoseok had to ask friends to realize that the other had left the city and was tattooing in a studio in New York. Without any notice, without a talk, just nothing. There had been nothing. Hoseok had wanted to ask, he had wanted to know what happened, but there was no possibility. The other hadn’t answered his calls and Hoseok embraced those whales instead of creating his own art on skin. The whales were the epitome of his loneliness.    
  
_ You should stop. It’s been two years already. _

_ Get over it.  _ __  
__  
He wanted to. But he was attached. He was attached to the possibility that the other man had a perfect explanation for everything. The situation with Hyungwon reminded him of that. There must’ve been an explanation for the other man’s behaviour, one he didn’t understand.    
  
“Are you listening to me, Hoseok? Just remember what happened with Kkung if you love getting treated like shit. I don’t want you to be kicked around like an abandoned pet. How about a cute, nice guy, who is pretty and wants a proper relationship? You can’t stay single forever, although you might, with that guy tattooed on your back. I told you it was him.” The low snicker cheered him up a little, but didn’t make up for the fact that he continuously thought about Hyungwon and wasn’t able to draw anything proper in five days.    
  
“I won’t. I promise. I love you, no homo.” He chuckled and curled his arms around the broad shoulders, enjoying the familiar scent, making him want to drink whisky and eat fudge, because fuck, it smelled amazing.

_ It does, just like cherry wood. _   
  
Shownu packed everything into his backpack, throwing it over his shoulder and waved before disappearing in the dark, wet streets of London, leaving Hoseok behind in his studio again. It was 2AM, the perfect time to draw. Only that there was nothing to draw.    
  
_ Just sit the fuck down and take a pencil. If there’s a hand that can move a pencil, then there’s nothing stopping you.  _ __  
__  
He had said the same thing to Hyungwon three years ago, the irony stabbed him in the guts. His hand gripped the pencil, stopping at the sudden sound of the electric bell. He had forgotten to close up from the inside. Adrenaline rushed through his veins, shaky hands leaving the pencil on the table and walking over to the door.   
  
_ What will you do if it’s Won? You can’t stay away from him like this. _ __  
__  
Hoseok lifted his gaze and his eyes met dark, almost black orbs and a familiar grin, which was not Hyungwon’s, the eye contact intense, not letting him go even for a second. He felt his features tense and stopped.    
  
“I see you expected to see someone else?” The low voice sounded mocking while the slim fingers were undoing the buttons of the coat. The dark hair was falling back over the forehead after the man had taken his sweater off, hanging it on the hook next to the coat, remaining only in a black button up with rolled up sleeves. Black ink was covering the chest and neck, flowing down along the underarms. “It’s still thirty degrees in here, am I right?” The other smirked and moved towards Hoseok, steps sounding so foreign on the wooden floor. 

_ What is this asshole so hot for? _   
  
“Why are you here again? I told you to go away didn’t I?” He sucked in a breath and held it in for a couple of seconds, before releasing it without making a single sound. The steps stopped in front of him and the shorter man glanced up, brushing back a strand of Hoseok’s hair. 

“I don’t want to. You have to at least try to make it sound as if you really mean it. Fucking liar.” Changkyun’s hand went up to his chin, brushing along the jawline, while a smile formed on the pretty lips. “You’re beautiful. I forgot how fucking beautiful you are, taking my breath away and giving me the chills just by looking.” The incredibly low voice caressed his ears, a familiar feeling boiling up in his veins.    
  
_ Don’t, Hoseok. He knows that you’re a hoe for compliments, he knows it and he’ll use it.  _ __  
__  
“Why are you back?” He caught Changkyun’s hand and removed it from his face with force, before turning around and walking further into the studio. Slow steps sounded behind him, the other man following while elaborating.   
  
“Well, I’m pretty good now and I learned everything I could learn there, so I’m back. If you want to tell me about your other adventures, please do, I don’t care and you won’t scare me off like that.” Of course not. Even if there was something that had scared the black-haired devil in disguise, Hoseok didn’t know about it. 

_ He’s free. Just like you want to be. _   
  
He arrived in the room, the one where he had tattooed the binocular forest and the whale, swimming over the annual rings completed by the feather. The way Hyungwon had looked while sitting on his lap appeared in front of his inner eye, taking up the ressources to think.    
  
“Can you tell me what the fuck you want from me after two years, Changkyun? Why do you come here? Do you like torturing me? Well sorry, I’m not affected anymore. You fucked off? So what. I hope you had a nice time. Please go now.” Hoseok closed his eyes and exhaled, disturbed by hot lips clashing against his, sucking on his piercing and biting down harshly.    
  
_ Shit. _ __  
__  
He had no time to think as delicate hands roamed along his body, lifting up his shirt and burying the nails in his skin, making him hiss a breath, tongue using the parted lips to slip into his mouth, playing and exploring, low moans leaving the other man's mouth. Hoseok tried to lean back but it was basically impossible, one sensation chasing the next, a boiling coil forming inside his stomach and screaming for release. He moaned inside Changkyun’s mouth, hands tightening around the slim shoulders and hoping to feel more, to shut down every perception that didn’t have anything to do with pleasure that was building up with every move.    
  
The other man leaned back, smiling widely and undoing one button after the other, showing more of the beautiful inked skin before throwing the shirt off his shoulders and climbing up Hoseok’s lap.    
  
“Fuck, I want you so much. I miss the way you feel inside me, it’s driving me nuts.” Fast hands pulled up his shirt and threw it on the ground, teeth sinking into his skin, painfully but so incredibly intense. Everything about Changkyun was intense, the way he marked Hoseok’s neck and chest, how he attached himself and left burning trails with his nails, tongue sliding all over his skin and moaning in that low voice, right into Hoseok’s face, eyes open and gaze fixed on his. It was so fucking hot that he didn’t think much, burning pleasure striking in every cell of his body.    
  
“What do you want from me, Changkyun?” Hoseok managed to ask when their clothes were almost gone and the other man nibbled on his earlobe. 

“I want you to fuck me, Hoseok.” His pupils were blown and mouth opened, the tattooed body shimmering in the dimmed light.    
  
It was the first time he had sex in almost a month. He didn’t really have time and the company work added up on the list, meeting people was hard and then there was him. Hyungwon and Hoseok’s headache, caused by him. Nevertheless it felt so good, shit Hoseok missed it so much, the way the black-haired panted and cursed, digging his nails into Hoseok’s underarm, leaving blue marks and screaming his name when he thrust roughly. He still remembered how Changkyun had liked it.    
  
Postorgasmic highs were amazing if everything was clear. They were awful if it was an ex-boyfriend one had never talked to about the break-up two years ago. Changkyun got dressed and sunk into the couch, smiling widely from ear to ear. 

He looked stunning.    
  
“Damn, I missed you those two years,” the man said as if it was some kind of evening news. Something inside Hoseok’s chest clenched and he felt like throwing up.    
  
_ You’ll never know, if you never ask. _   
  
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you just leave, Changkyun?” Hoseok whispered, leaning against the counter with the coffee machine on it. A small smile hushed over the pouty lips while the tattooed arms crossed in front of the lean chest.    
  
“Because I didn’t like it that you wanted to tattoo your art. You’re so fucking talented, Hoseok. I wanted to be good too, not having to compare myself all the time. It was tiring. But now I can, so I’m back.” A big smile graced the handsome face.   
  
_ He left you because you wanted to tattoo your own stuff? You were tiring? Oh for fuck’s sake. _ __  
__  
“Listen up to what I’m going to tell you. I want you to go. Now,” Hoseok whispered dangerously low, arms crossing in front of his chest. He couldn’t believe it. All those months he had thought that the other had a good reason, something that mattered, something that he could understand and something Changkyun wasn’t able to talk to him about. But in the end it was just this.   
  
_ You’re dumb. _ __  
__  
The smile didn’t leave the other man’s lips when he closed the buttons of his black coat and opened the door.    
  
“See you soon. You are here in London and so am I. I know that you’re still hooked.” Changkyun winked and disappeared in the rain.    
  
__ You were. 

-

 

The big raindrops were falling from the grey, foggy sky, turning everything into a mixture of water and dirt, his beige timberlands mixing everything together as he walked towards the company, trying not to get wet, wearing only a leather jacket and regretting the absence of an umbrella in his backpack.    
  
_ You need the rooftop. The rain might help you draw again.  _ __  
__  
He couldn’t think about anything else for the past 24 hours, not able to sleep or to draw, thinking about the rooftop and the way the raindrops fell over his face (and how Hyungwon had removed them with his thumb, but that was not the point). The fast steps brought him where he wanted to be, taking the elevator to the 8th floor almost immediately. Sitting down on a wet bench, he threw his head back, letting the raindrops fall on his face, connecting to tiny streams and flowing down his cheeks. 

It felt real. He wished to be watercolor, liquefying and spreading over the space, creating fine patterns and painting a slight shade on all those things around him. Blue. He wanted to be blue watercolor. He wished to paint everything in a beautiful light blue. 

Steps sounded next to him, the disgusting wet noise that boots created when they met deep puddles. He could see a pair of black timberlands from the corner of his eye, stopping next to him. He didn't look up, throwing his head back instead and enjoying the feeling of the drops hitting his skin.    
  
_ Nice shoes. _

“You’re soaked,” Hyungwon's deep voice whispered, remaining standing next to him, drops continuously falling down and distorting the sound. 

“Mhm,” Hoseok murmured, not willing to open his eyes and trying to concentrate on the special feeling. 

“Aren’t you worried about your health?” the other man continued, but crouched down next to him judging by the sound of rustling fabric. “It’s rather cold.”   
  
_ It’s fucking useless, Hoseok. You should've thought about it before coming here. Give up. _ __  
__  
“No. Are you worried?” he replied, eyes opening slowly and staring at the figure next to him. Hyungwon was wearing black ripped jeans again, hugging his thighs and a large black pullover. They had switched for once, Hyungwon completely clad in black. The other was very close, staring at a spot above Hoseok’s eyes again.

“Yes.”   
  
_ That doesn’t mean anything. _ __  
__  
“Well, you can stop worrying now and go away, nothing will happen.” The face was unreal. Huge brown eyes and full lips, tiny drops on them, drowning in a sea of colors. The facial expressions remained the same as the gaze moved over Hoseok’s body, sliding down slowly before returning to the undefined spot on his face.

“I disagree. You are completely soaked and it’s under ten degrees. That means logically that your body temperature can easily reduce beyond a healthy level. Furthermore you sleep at irregular times, mostly not at night or too little which also means that your immune system is weakened. So the likelihood of you getting ill is ridiculously high.” Hyungwon finished his smart ass monologue and exhaled slowly. “Let’s go inside. Or get a raincoat after changing.”   
  
“No, it’s fine, really. I’ll finish the drawings for the collab before I die from illness, I swear.” Hoseok grinned at him before throwing his head back once again, enjoying the way his hair threw some drops up that landed on his face, flowing down in the tiny streams, down his neck and chest, soaking his shirt. He heard how Hyungwon sucked in a breath next to him, releasing it only after a few seconds had passed.

“You make it difficult for me.”   
  
“No, I’m not. I just sat here not doing anything to anybody. Why are you here?” He couldn’t help wondering why the other had come up. It surely wasn’t about Hoseok getting a cold. Hyungwon shook his head softly.

“I don't mean because you are sitting here. I meant the drops that you shake off to feel them on your face. That makes it difficult for me,” the other elaborated and glanced at the sky shortly, licking over his lips.   
  
“I love how it feels like, the water, hitting my face and then flowing down after accumulating on one spot. The trails of the tiny streams feel like a touch, but one a finger can’t provide, it’s amazing.” Hoseok just talked, not giving a shit about being difficult or whatever.

“That makes a lot of sense,” Hyungwon murmured with a smile. “You’re beautiful.”    
  
_ Yes. People keep telling you that. Before they step all over your feelings. _ __  
__  
“Are you ok? Don’t stand in the rain, go back in.” Hoseok opened one eye to glance at the other man. The smile remained as Hyungwon lifted himself back up, standing straight and looking up at the sky, some more drops hitting his face.

“I like the sound of rain because it’s regular. It overshadows everything. It always seems like nothing else matters as long as the rain is loud enough.” The other man took a deep breath before turning to Hoseok, one corner of his mouth lifted in the hint of a smile.  
  
“I like rain because it’s chaotic. It never hits the ground at the same time, some drops are faster than others, it also makes different sounds, depending on the surface. I will never be able to grasp it and it excites me.” Hoseok smiled brightly, realizing the enormous difference in the perception of the same thing.   
  
_You’re like from two different worlds._

Hyungwon’s eyes widened as he turned back to the scenery of the rooftop, closing his eyes as if he was concentrating on something. When he opened them again they jumped over the various puddles in front until they finally returned to Hoseok.

“I think I know what you mean, but the combination of the different tones has always resulted in something that resembled white noise for me. Similar to the sound of the sea, calming and still.”   
  
“Want to be calm? Can’t relate to that one.” Hoseok brushed his hair back, water flying behind him and stood up, brushing over his blue jeans, as if the water didn’t soak them completely.

“Come with me. Let’s get you warmed up and dry,” Hyungwon said as soon as Hoseok got to his feet, long fingers running over his own black ripped jeans and the fabric of his pullover. Several drops were gliding over the naked skin of his knees, soaking into the cloth as soon as they reached the edge. The other was beautiful, all over again, just like the first time, but well, life was hard wasn’t it?   
  
“Want to curl me in a blanket and give me a cookie? I’m fine mom.” He grabbed his backpack, thoughts battling each other inside his head. The other man frowned, one arm curling around his own shoulder, sinking down until it rested on his upper arm.

“I want to do none of those things. I wanted to give you a change of clothes or give you a possibility to dry yours,” he replied, confusion partially remaining on his features. “I’m assuming you calling me your mother is sarcasm for showing an uncharacteristic amount of affection?”

_ He doesn’t get your point, Hoseok. Just see what happens. _ __  
__  
“I’ll get surprised then, show me what you got.” Hoseok caught a raindrop that slid down his nose and licked it off his finger. It tasted like salty, foggy London. 

“Why did you lick that?” Hyungwon asked next to him, having stepped closer in the meantime, one eyebrow raised. 

What kind of question was that?   
  
“Because I wanted to know how it tasted like.” 

Turning around, Hoseok walked over to the entrance of the building. The other man followed him with quick steps, long legs advantageous for closing the distance, catching up as he stared at his palm for a few seconds before licking over the tip of his index finger, catching a drop. Something spiked up as Hoseok saw it, insides tingling and excitement visible, for no obvious reason.   
  
_ Why are you so happy? Because he licked rain from his finger?  _ __  
__  
Hyungwon looked in thought as they walked to the elevator, focusing on the way in front of them instead of the paintings on the walls as he had before.

“I somehow feel like I have just confirmed the fact that tasting water mixed with London air is a very bad idea,” he said and smiled shortly before pressing the elevator button. Hoseok’s face lit up, being irrationally happy about the judgement. Maybe it was because they had thought the same for once. It was quiet as they waited for the elevator, only the sudden bell announcing it’s arrival breaking it. Hyungwon stepped inside first, leaning against the reiling and glancing at the floor. Suddenly he chuckled.

“Both of us are dripping on the floor.” It was true, but Hoseok couldn’t care less. He had already been wet before arriving at the company. He didn’t comment and smiled, before looking up at the huge mirror on the ceiling.

He could see how Hyungwon stretched out his leg and attempted to swipe over a few drops that were sparkling in the light with his foot, smearing the water such that it covered the ground in a more even layer. Hoseok grabbed the seam of his shirt and squeezed the fabric, dozens of drops falling on the floor next to him. 

Hyungwon turned towards him immediately, watching the way the drops hit the ground, echoing a little in the closed space. His lips parted a little followed by his eyes widening until his gaze focused on Hoseok’s face, staring him right in the eyes as the other’s mouth closed and he pulled his lower lip into it instead.   


Hoseok tightened his grip, letting more drops hit the floor, observing Hyungwon’s face intently. The black-haired closed the distance suddenly, palms landing next to Hoseok’s face on the elevator wall and face impossibly close, hot breath hitting his lips as Hyungwon exhaled. 

_ Wow. Holy shit.  _

“Why are you doing that?” the low voice asked. 

Why? Because he wanted to. 

“Because i feel like it. I liked the intensity of your reaction.” Hoseok smiled at him, letting a couple more drops fall down on purpose. The arms next to his face shivered as Hyungwon exhaled slowly, teeth biting down on his lower lip such that it looked a little painful.

“You’re making me crack again,” he whispered as his eyes closed, breathing rhythm speeding up, hot air repeatedly brushing Hoseok’s lips. His adrenaline spiked up, clouding his senses and wanting to see till the end. 

_ Crack? Does he mean he's losing control?  _

“Are you losing control, Hyungwon? Because of the drops? Wait, I didn't try the other side yet, I bet there's more.” His hands grabbed a different part of the shirt and wringed a lot of water out of it. Damn, he was really soaked.

The other man’s reaction was sudden, removing his hands from the wall with a yelp and sinking down to the ground, crouching as he just held his palms flat over his ears, teeth biting down on his lower lip violently, enough to crack as he remained unmoving. Only the sound of harsh pants accompanied the drops landing on the elevator floor.

_ Oh fuck. What the fuck happened? _

He went down immediately, lifting the other man's chin and trying to look him in the eyes to determine what was happening. A tiny drop of blood was slowly appearing on his bottom lip. 

Holy fuck, Hoseok was scared. 

“Won? Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out by that!” 

Hyungwon was completely unresponsive, eyes squeezed shut and body shivering as he remained fully rigid, covering his ears and hyperventilating judging by the speed of his breaths.   


_ You don't have a plastic bag, Hoseok. Shit.  _

It was dumb, it really was but he didn't manage to come up with anything else and leaned in, pressing his mouth against the bloody lips, curling his arms around the other man's body, hoping it was strange enough to give a response. 

Hyungwon stopped breathing, but kept his eyes shut, some of the shivering declining but hands remained in place, blocking out the outside world. The tight grip that his teeth had on his lower lip losened, lips parting slightly but not attempting to suck in any air.

_ Just kiss him, Hoseok, he has to calm down somehow.  _

He slid the tongue into Hyungwon’s mouth, removing one of the hands from the other man's ear and pressing it against his hair, innocently hoping that the story about the calming effect was true. The other man tensed up, even more than he had before and opened his eyes, blinking very rapidly.

Hoseok moved away and put the other hand into his hair, feeling like an idiot. 

A scared idiot. 

Hyungwon finally breathed, sucking in air and blinking a few times before the rigidity of his stance disappeared and he almost fell forward on top of Hoseok, eyes wide with surprise but fingers remaining curled up in the blue strands.   


“Are you-” The voice cracked and he started again. “Are you okay? We're there.” The doors were opening for the third time and Hoseok couldn't care less but he wanted to get Won out of the elevator. The nod that he received was barely visible but definitely there, the other man keeping his lips parted to restock on the oxygen he had been missing and eyes relentlessly jumping from one spot to the next.

He stood up, pulling the other up against his chest. 

“Let's go.” 

Hyungwon walked but still seemed out of it, just breathing and looking around as if he was registering his surroundings, unable to comprehend what was happening.

_ You also don't understand what the fuck is happening Hoseok.  _

The adrenaline was still filling out his veins. 

They arrived at Hyungwon’s office but Hoseok had no access, waiting until the other would open the door. It was difficult to tell how much time passed until Hyungwon breathed out slowly and pulled his key card out of his pocket, opening the door and stumbling in. The other man walked until he stood right in front of his desk and leaned his arms against it, inhaling and exhaling regularly.

“I don’t even remember the last time I had a meltdown, that’s how long ago it was,” Hyungwon murmured.

_ Now he had one, whatever that means, congratulations. Why are you like this? _

He walked over and put a hand over the thin shoulder, closing his eyes shortly.

“Fuck, I'm so sorry. I had no idea about the effect it had on you, I- can I do something for you?” he asked, feeling as if he had done something incredibly wrong, although there was nothing reasonable enough to evoke a reaction like this. Having the image of the other sitting on the floor and holding his hands against his ears, not breathing and not reacting to Hoseok’s words and kisses was terrifying. 

“Want to touch my hair?” 

Hyungwon looked up, head turning towards Hoseok and removed his hands from the table, standing up straight. He nodded slowly. 

Hoseok walked a step, standing very close and bowed his head a little, giving more access to his hair for the other man to touch. It didn't seem necessary as Hyungwon just curled an arm around his waist, pulling Hoseok flush against him as the other hand slipped into the soft stands of his hair, stroking it slowly instead of pulling it. 

“I'm sorry for scaring you,” the tall man murmured, lips close to Hoseok's forehead. They were still soaked, cold fabric sticking to their bodies. Hoseok buried his head in the crook of the warm neck, breathing in the cherry wood scent, trying to calm the racing heart beat, the proximity letting the adrenaline levels spike up instead of reducing. 

“I'm the one who's sorry,” he whispered, trying to suppress the sudden urge to melt into the other man, unsuccessfully, arms curling around the thin body anyway and grabbing the thick fabric of Hyungwon’s pullover. 

_ Why are you so scared, Hoseok. He's okay now, isn't he? _

He didn't know and he was scared to fuck up more.

“You're treating me differently. Stop, it feels fake. I don't need pity or anything like that. I'm fine,” Hyungwon said as he placed a kiss on top of Hoseok’s hair, pulling him as close as possible for a short moment before letting go. “Let's do something about your soaked clothing.”

“It's not fake. I'm not fake, Won.” Hoseok leaned back, feeling hurt for no reason and looking at his soaked boots. The other man stroked over his face, placing a blue strand behind Hoseok’s ear and sighed. 

“I just mean that you would be acting differently if you hadn't seen the meltdown. You wouldn't let me touch you and you would tell me to stay away. Just like before.” There was something different in his gaze as the other man looked at him, resembling resignation, accepting an outcome he hadn't anticipated. “Jin was right,” Hyungwon whispered with a short laugh. 

_ Who is Jin? _

“Behaviour might be different but the thoughts are still the same aren't they?” Hoseok smiled and sat down on the couch, taking off his shoes to not stain the carpet. Hyungwon watched him for a few seconds before doing the same. Sliding the oversized black pullover over his head right after, revealing a naked chest and placing the piece of clothing on his office chair. He walked over to a wardrobe on the left side of his desk, opening it before turning back to Hoseok. 

“But I can't read your thoughts. I only see the behaviour.” The black-haired looked down at himself and let his hand run over the toned stomach, wiping the moisture that remained from the pullover away. Hoseok walked over and leaned in to the other man's body, inspecting the fresh tattoo, sliding his finger over the lines, healing up perfectly. It looked really beautiful on the skin. 

Hyungwon hissed at the contact and looked towards the cupboard, biting down on his lower lip. There was a dark red area where he had bitten it too harshly before.

“I am planning on taking care of it for eight weeks like last time.”

“It's healing perfectly. Just like the other one.” The shirt was sticking to Hoseok’s body, ice cold. His skin was covered in goosebumps and he jerked once to get rid of the disgusting feeling. Hyungwon gripped the hem and just pulled at it, sliding it over Hoseok’s head with his help. 

“You're freezing,” the other remarked and grabbed a towel from the wardrobe, wiping over Hoseok’s chest and shoulders. “Can I see the tattoo on your back? I was too out of it to see it properly last time.” 

_ How can someone make being undressed next to each other feel like a business meeting? _

“Feel free,” he commented while rolling his eyes at the strange atmosphere. Hyungwon grabbed his shoulders carefully and turned him around, hot breath hitting Hoseok’s neck as the other man let the fingers of his right hand slide over the tattooed kiss on his back. The touch was tender, not pressing and fingertips barely brushing over the skin. 

“It still feels the same,” Hyungwon whispered as Hoseok became aware of the sensation of warm lips touching his back.

_ Holy fucking shit.  _

Hoseok turned around, grabbing the small face with his hands and clashing his lips onto Won’s soft mouth. Rollercoaster was a fucking understatement. His body was shivering, the other man's body warmth not able to heat it up. 

The response was immediate, large hands narrowing around his waist and pulling him as close as possible, the sensation of hot skin against skin overwhelming and lips parting to permit Hoseok access. He was nibbling on the plump lower lip, licking over it and sliding his tongue into Hyungwon’s mouth, hungry for contact and more proximity, pressing the other's body against the wardrobe. It was mind blowing, tension not leaving him for even for a second. 

Hyungwon melted into his touch, nails digging into the skin of his sides as if struggling to hold on, exhaling harshly into Hoseok’s mouth as he sucked on his tongue. He moaned at the sensation, letting his hands slide over the warm body, fingers caressing the lean muscles of Won’s arms and chest, one hand grabbing the black hair and pulling lightly, teeth sinking into the soft shoulder, unable to let go. Incurable longing spread through his whole body, feeling of not being able to get enough of Hyungwon, ever. 

The other man gasped, but stopped himself from making more noise, following the pulling of Hoseok’s hand and throwing his head back. A pleasant sensation slid up Hoseok’s back until fingers intertwined with strands of his hair, leading him further upwards to Hyungwon's neck. 

He couldn't help the incredibly low moan that escaped his lips, again. His body seemed as if it was made to react to the other man's touch. 

Hoseok’s breath hit the soft skin, shaky and harsh, tongue dancing over the spots he didn't touch yet before using his teeth again, nibbling softly, then more rough, before soothing it with tender kisses. Hyungwon was visibly struggling to remain quiet, fingers pulling irregularly at Hoseok’s hair and holding his breath. A harsh gasp left his lips each time he was forced to suck in more oxygen. 

_ He's only breathing and you're losing your fucking mind.  _

Hoseok rolled his hips against the other man's, trying to increase the friction, wet pants feeling like a foreign object against his cold legs. Hyungwon moaned at the contact before he held his breath again, teeth abusing the luscious lower lip. Hoseok could feel how the long legs shivered against his, probably also affected by the cold. Or the proximity. 

He put a little space between them and took a step back, unzipping his pants and sliding them down his legs to not feel the wet cold anymore. 

_ What are you even doing? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	9. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You're not listening anyway, no matter what I tell you. It wouldn't matter whether I'd tell you to go away, or to stay. You'd just do whatever, so what's the point?”

Jin had been right. Jin was always right. Hyungwon couldn’t remember a situation in his life in which his brother had given him a recommendation that didn’t turn out to be true and the right course of action. The constant aid and clarifications were one of the major reasons for Hyungwon’s ability to grasp his surroundings and live his life peacefully, doing the things he enjoyed and avoiding the ones he didn’t.

He had believed that he could avoid seeing Hoseok, not yearn to see his face and be inspired for more drawings, more emotions he wished to experience through the other man. He had managed, somehow. He had created more than he had in the past months, drawings over drawings of sandy hair with streaks of the blue sea, angry, affected, smiling, sad and hurt. All variations of emotions that Hyungwon had seen. He hadn’t gone to the tattoo studio and Hoseok hadn’t worked at the company. It had been easier to avoid him like that, removing himself from the source of control loss, grasping his surroundings tightly with his fingers and not letting them abandon him.

Kyungsoo didn’t know. Of course he didn't. Why else would he have told Hyungwon that Hoseok had arrived at the company, sitting in the rain on the rooftop and getting soaked? It was difficult to tell what exactly led to the decision to go there. Hyungwon couldn’t quite trace back the processing during which one thought had led to the next and he ended up standing in the rain, soaking his clothes completely as the other man looked as beautiful as ever, drenched and sitting on the cold bench.

_You wanted to see him so you came._

The other man’s emotions had been changing back and forth, difficult to trace. At one moment he showed what Hyungwon interpreted as resignation, giving up on trying to keep the distance between them. In the next he appeared upset, disagreeing on the emotions that rain evoked. Then again he looked so ridiculously happy and Hyungwon had difficulties looking at him, glancing at the hallway instead. It was beautiful, but also so turbulent that he struggled to keep up. Hoseok was so complex. Even a collection of drawings would have never expressed everything, but Hyungwon wanted to try so badly. He wanted to see it all and draw it.

The elevator had been quiet, only disturbing drops falling to the ground and tainting the reflection of the bright lights. Hyungwon disliked it, like a red dot among a mass of blue ones, sticking out agonizingly and disturbing the sight. Discomfort rising he had stretched out his leg, swiping over the single drops to remove the reflections, make them invisible by spreading the liquid over the ground equally, creating a thin layer of protection. It calmed him down a little, uncurling the knot that kept building from the unusual situation he found himself in. Hoseok had disturbed the order of things again, appearing suddenly and unexpectedly and Hyungwon was still in the process of getting used to the thought, to the proximity of the other man and the constant onslaught of emotions that his facial expressions evoked.

The sudden sound of several drops hitting the ground caught his attention, floor swimming in the liquid and straight and orderly arrangement breaking with the reflections of the water. Hoseok had broken it, squeezing out water from his shirt and letting it drip to the floor mercilessly. Hyungwon’s breathing increased in frequency, eyes widening and heart hammering in his ears.

_Make him stop._

He moved immediately, avoiding the drops that continued falling and pressing Hoseok further into the elevator wall, palms flat next to the other man’s face and struggling to keep his senses, thoughts jumping on top of each other, fighting for attention and not forming a coherent train of thought. He asked desperately, trying to understand what Hoseok was doing and why he was doing it.

“Because I feel like it, I liked your reaction.” The lips in front of him moved, forming into a smile and Hyungwon could hear how more drops stained the ground, breaking the layer of calm even more. A shiver began at his fingers, spreading to his arms and his eyes lost focus, sight of Hoseok blurring before him.

_You’re about to have a meltdown, Hyungwon, make it stop._

He warned him. He tried, senses becoming more and more fine tuned and threatening to overwhelm him. He told him. He told him that he was about to crack, about to lose control, about to lose himself and everything that happened around him but the hands in front of him just grabbed soaked fabric and drops fell to the elevator floor like metallic objects on a tiled ground, deafeningly loud and painful. He immediately squeezed his eyes shut and crouched on the ground, covering his ears tightly, nothing entering his consciousness anymore, waiting for the torture to stop and fade into nothingness.

Hyungwon wasn’t aware what had happened when he got a grip of reality, only seeing Hoseok’s scared face, telling him they arrived and leading him out of the elevator to the office which he opened with his key card as soon as he remembered that he had one and how that worked.

 _You had a meltdown and he stayed around for it. You probably scared him for life, Hyungwon. Congratulations. Now he is either going to avoid you religiously or be overly careful with every movement of his_.

It was ridiculous but Hyungwon wanted to cry, unable to control himself during a meltdown and unaware of what he had or had not done. At least he wasn’t abusive as Hoseok appeared unharmed, just terrified. The other man would adjust his behaviour and stop showing all of his emotions, just worry and fear overwhelming everything else. It would become blunt and Hyungwon would lose it, lose the colorful palette that he yearned for so much.

He tried to catch his breath, leaning against his work desk and wishing for everything to just return back into order. He wished to call Jin but the ethereal artist replaced that desire as a hand landed on his shoulder, offering him to touch the beautiful sea-like hair and bury his hands in it, return the calm.

_How could you say no? He’s even offering something he wouldn’t have because you scared him, Hyungwon._

It was hard to normalize the situation but he tried, remembering his original goal and beginning the process of changing and doing what he had actually intended on doing in the first place. Not stroking Hoseok’s hair like the world depended on it but changing their soaked clothing into dried ones. It seemed possible, both of them keeping the distance and talking about the tattoo and general things until Hyungwon remembered the sight of his drawing on the other man’s back. He had regretted his inability to focus on it back then, to experience the emotions he had engraved into it, pouring them out before they even happened. Just like Hoseok always managed to make him feel.

_You need to see it._

He shouldn’t have. The sight of the fine lines of ink, kiss melting into the sea and ink on both sides overwhelming, returning his feelings and thoughts he had experienced at the moment he drew it. The feelings were still there, exactly the same, mind blowing tingling sensation spreading through his whole body and unbearable desire to kiss the tattooed skin clouding his mind. So he did, mind returning to the blurred perception of reality he preferred to avoid so much and breaking the barrier between him and the drawing.

_You like the feeling, Hyungwon, but don’t give in._

Hoseok was kissing him, lips pressed against his and holding onto his face before he pushed him into the wardrobe and the calm was chased away by the storm, senses tingling and various sensations clashing with each other in Hyungwon’s head, hands touching his waist and chest, lips closing around the skin of his shoulder and biting down. He fought to remain controlled but it was difficult, thoughts and intentions blurring just like his vision had before and fingers finding the beautiful blue strands that always brought him so much calm. It was a lethal mixture, storm and calm fighting with each other but fitting together so perfectly, like the sand with the blue, so different but fusing into a single powerful entity.

Suddenly the contact was gone as Hoseok stepped away, loosening the button of his soaked jeans and sliding them down his muscular legs. Hyungwon wanted the lethal mixture to return, hands lacking the contact and cold sensation forcing goosebumps to spread on his skin. He stretched out his arm, trying to reach the other man and bring him closer.

“Come back,” he whispered.

The other stepped towards him and opened his pants, sliding them down Hyungwon’s long legs and throwing them to the side, both of them remaining in underwear only. Hoseok curled the warm arms around his waist, pressing his almost naked body closer.

It was crazy, naked skin touching in a way it hadn't before, distance reducing with every passing second. It was a little strange even, pleasure and orgasm not the ultimate goal but just a by-product of the almost painful desire to touch, feel the skin and the soft strands under his fingertips. The desire was familiar, an old friend even, but the way the sensual perceptions overlapped with those of mere pleasure-seeking was confusing. Hyungwon couldn't identify the fine line between them.

“I'm going nuts. You make me go nuts, Hyungwon,” Hoseok groaned against his neck, strong hands pressing against his lower back, forcing the bodies to melt into each other before he felt lips kissing up his neck, warm, wet tongue playing with his ear lobe, the other man's rough exhales hitting his skin. Hoseok’s fingers slid over the tattooed arm and shoulder, barely touching and following the lines of the drawings without looking.

The feeling the other man had for his drawings was detailed, blindly recreating the lines. Hyungwon thought back to his own, suddenly wishing for the other man to see them but too overwhelmed by the way his tactile system was overloaded, gasps leaving his lips although he tried to contain them. He pulled at Hoseok’s hair to regain some control despite the overstimulation, removing the beautiful man's lips from his skin and covering them with his own, leg slipping in the space between Hoseok’s thighs.

The other man moaned into his mouth at the contact and shifted his hips, rolling them into Hyungwon’s while the pierced tongue slid over his lips repeatedly. The feelings of the little bud of metal in his mouth was enough to evoke the wish to draw it, sucking on the piercing and licking over the one in Hoseok’s lip.

Taking a deep breath Hyungwon grabbed Hoseok’s hips and pushed them a little upwards against his thigh, increasing friction and stimulating the other man. The line just blurred further. Without his hands in Hoseok’s hair and control at the border of his consciousness the borderline slid towards pleasure, feeling more aware of his actions and how to make the beautiful artist feel good.  
  
The fingers tightened in his hair, heavy pants coming from Hoseok’s lips. The other hand was still sliding along the drawings on his shoulder, tenderly, softly, like a fine pencil. The confusion returned almost immediately, connection between ink on his shoulder, drenched in emotions and the man sliding his fingers along it was painfully obvious, pleasure retreating to the back of his head. Hyungwon's right hand moved to Hoseok’s blue strands, pulling him lower so his lips could touch the new drawing on his skin, the depth of the forest and the moon. The other attached himself almost immediately, kissing every spot over the circle, sliding his lips over the fine lines and dots, the dimmed light throwing shadows on the closed eyelids.

Hyungwon moaned, unable to stop himself, tingling sensation rushing through his skin and blood, stealing coherency from him. His legs felt a little weak, lips on his chest sufficient to make him hit his head against the wardrobe harshly and tremble from the effect it had on him.

How was Hoseok constantly breaking his walls? Was it Hyungwon's fault? Has he underestimated the effects of emotions in the equation? Was he still leading Hoseok on? The other man behaved ambivalently too, kissing him in one moment but rejecting him in the next. It was impossible to regain his senses and predict behaviour, or at least draw conclusions.

Hoseok was beautifully vocal at the contact, lips parting and releasing harsh breaths. The feeling was the same one that Hyungwon had drawn after the happenings in the tattoo studio, breathtakingly intense and addicting. He had to stop but he didn't want to.

“Fuck, I shouldn't be reacting like this. I should stop but I don't want to,” Hyungwon murmured desperately, eyes closed and head still leaning against the wardrobe, one hand in Hoseok's hair and the other on his skin.

“You're not listening anyway, no matter what I tell you. It wouldn't matter whether I'd tell you to go away, or to stay. You'd just do whatever, so what's the point?” Hoseok groaned and the hot lips kissed up to his neck and jaw, hands intertwining with the strands of his hair. It was intense.

“Words mean nothing to me and your actions say something else,” Hyungwon breathed out, closing his eyes to focus on formulating coherently. He didn't know how to release the numbing pressure. Pleasure wasn't the goal so what was he supposed to do? His skin burned and he wanted to touch more of Hoseok, but where would that lead?

“Marvellous, your actions don't make sense either. It's so frustrating but I love it.” The other closed his eyes and tried to catch his breath, while the hands still raked through his hair. “You make me go nuts, fuck, why am I like this?”

Hyungwon did the same, head hitting against the wardrobe once more to feel something that wasn’t Hoseok’s touch and to calm down.

“I can't tell you. I'm trying to understand the goal. If the goal isn't pleasure then how are we supposed to stop?” he whispered, removing his hands from the artist's skin to make it easier. They were still wearing soaked underwear and it had only gotten darker outside.

“Don't stop,” Hoseok whispered, burying his head in the crook of his neck and sucking in air desperately, arms curling around his waist.

_For once his actions and words agree, Hyungwon._

He pulled the other man close and stroked his hair. The facial expression had been strangely vulnerable and remained in front of his inner eye as he placed a soft kiss against the silky hair that kept stealing his self control.

“I want to show you some drawings,” he said eventually, shivering a little at the contrast of the hot breaths against his cold skin. Hoseok looked up in surprise, leaning back a little.

“Do you have clothes? Mine are kind of wet and it's okay as long as I'm basically melting into you, but would be nice to wear something if you want to show me your art.” Hyungwon couldn’t help but laugh at the words, smiling shortly and nodding. He didn’t care about wearing or not wearing clothes. Mostly it was even better without since he was picky when it came to the texture of fabrics.

“Just take a look inside the wardrobe. I wear lots of tight pants and that might be difficult with your ass and thighs, but you could look.” He let go of Hoseok and walked over to his table, taking the envelope that he had taken to Jin and that held his drawings. He removed the bunch and placed them on the table. A strange black bag was resting against the corner of his desk and didn’t belong there. His heartbeat sped up and he held his breath in surprise, just staring at it.

Only when he had calmed down a little he reached down and grabbed it, putting it on the table. A tiny note with the word ‘Hoseok’ on it was stuck to the outside. There was also a letter. Kyungsoo must have brought it.

“This…” Hyungwon paused because he didn’t understand everything yet. “This says your name and has black clothing inside. There is a note too. Who is Shownu?”  
  
Hoseok looked surprised.  
  
“Shownu is my best friend. The one I work together with. What is this?” Hyungwon wanted to answer the question but the bag had Hoseok’s name on it and maybe he didn’t want him to open it.

“I remember him. I thought he was your bodyguard for some reason. Probably I was just scared that you would recognize me and didn't think properly. It says your name, you sure I can open it?” Hyungwon asked and let his index finger run over the black writing of Hoseok’s name on the outside of the bag.  
  
“Uhm yes? It’s standing in your office and it’s creepy as fuck so please open it yourself,” the other man answered, still standing in the same spot Hyungwon had left him. Somehow it was difficult not to find the fact, that even Hoseok considered the bag creepy, calming. Hyungwon opened it and took out a tiny note, lying on top of several folded items of clothing. Unfolding it he glanced at Hoseok shortly before simply reading it out.

_Kyungsoo has thought ahead again, hasn’t he?_

“Kyungsoo asked me for some spare clothing for you so I just packed your extra working clothes, no underwear, deal with it. What the hell are you even up to you crazy person? Shownu.” Hyungwon looked up at Hoseok again after finishing, folding the note and placing it on his table.  
  
Hoseok closed the distance and got a shirt and pants out, shaking his head.  
  
“How more crazy can this get?” He obviously wanted to laugh, but a packed condom fell out of the folded pants. The other man stared at it before placing his hand in front of his eyes.

_His friend actually packed a condom into his working clothes?_

Hyungwon raised an eyebrow, exhaling slowly before laughing out loud, almost bending in half and holding his stomach. Damn, that had been unexpected but somehow in a good way. The whole situation was ridiculous. He didn’t feel surprised by the bag because Kyungsoo thought ahead and there would definitely be a message about it on his phone, which he had completely forgotten about. But Hoseok’s reaction was more than priceless.

“Is that what you getting spare clothes usually means?” he asked when he finally got his breathing under control and his stomach muscles didn’t spasm from laughing too hard. Once he started laughing it was really hard to stop, basically rolling around on the ground.  
  
“I’m going to change, thank you very much.” Hoseok grabbed the condom and put it in one of the jeans pockets before just sliding down his underwear and putting his pants on, ignoring Hyungwon, as if he was alone in the room. Hyungwon loved the nonchalance because he never really understood it when people felt ashamed about undressing. Shrugging he did the same, sliding off his underwear and glancing inside his wardrobe, picking an identical pair of black ripped jeans and an identical black oversized pullover, pulling both over his skin. He also didn’t keep underwear in his office. Brushing a hand through his wet hair, getting most of it out of his face he turned towards Hoseok, leaning against the wardrobe and watching him.

_The less clothing the better usually._

“You are frustrating me,” the other man groaned and turned around facing the table. “You wanted to show me something. I’m all yours.”

Hyungwon nodded, confused why he was frustrating Hoseok again. He walked over to the desk and gestured at the other man to come over.

“Why am I frustrating you this time? Ah, some of it is not safe for work.”  
  
“Because you are ridiculously hot and my body is ridiculously receptive to you. Why would you keep not safe for work stuff at work, Won?” He laughed and leaned against the table, looking over his shoulder at the drawings Hyungwon prepared.

_That kinda makes sense, Hyungwon. If it’s not safe for work then why is it here?_

“Well, it’s not like I drew your dick or anything. It’s just that when you look at it you know what it is, implicitly, so it could make someone a little uncomfortable. Don't know if that is the case for you though. It’s you after all,” he explained and grabbed the painting he had created of Hoseok, the one expressing anger before he had gone to meet the other man and threw self control out of the window, figuratively of course. “That’s the only painting, the rest are drawings.”  
  
The other man took the painting, looking over the whole picture, before inspecting the brush strokes one by one, sliding over them with his index finger, to imitate the direction.  
  
“It’s beautiful. I feel special, although I’m not sure that this is a good idea.” The second half of the sentence was whispered, Hoseok’s eyes still sliding over the features on the painting. Hyungwon felt a little thrown off by the ambivalence of the words, liking it but thinking he shouldn't like it. Why was nothing ever straightforward with Hoseok?

“It’s an awesome idea,” he simply said because he hoped it could reduce the indecisiveness a little and grabbed the next picture. It was one in which he expressed Hoseok’s face as he had seen the first tattoo he inked on Hyungwon’s skin and the way his hands slid over it. The other man had looked out of it, fascinated and otherworldly, Hyungwon hadn’t been able not to draw it. It was always as if he mirrored Hoseok’s emotions inside of him and used that knowledge to express them on paper, returning them into the features of the artist's face. Did that even make sense?

 _Of course you can’t do the project on your own if you only eat up other people’s emotions like a parasite and feed them back into their faces on paper._  
  
Hoseok seemed in thought. Sucking and nibbling on his bottom lip in succession while looking at the drawing.  
  
“How can you act as if you don’t care, but then draw something like that? I just don’t get it.” He lifted the gaze and stared at Hyungwon.

_What?_

Hyungwon couldn’t help but frown, staring right back but focusing on the other man’s right eyebrow instead, leaning against the desk with his ass to not stand the whole time.

“What makes you think that I don’t c-” he began before he stopped himself. How could he forget what Jin had told him? And Minhyuk had told him. He seemed cold to people, not responding to their actions except for short emotional outbursts, easily misinterpreted by others.

_But you were throwing emotions at Hoseok from beginning on, so how can it appear like you don’t care?_

“I was basically emptying a bucket of emotions on you every time we met, so...why?”  
  
The other man tilted his head, before closing his eyes and exhaling harshly.  
  
“Yeah, you kinda did, telling me I was destructive, that you hated me and I forced you to moan into my face. Confusing me with the other things you did, but the end was always the same, am I right? Let’s see what you’ll throw at me today.” The eyes opened suddenly and he smiled strangely. “But it’s fine, I’m not delusional or anything. I was just wondering.” The eyes returned to the fine lines on the paper in front of him. Hyungwon sucked air into his mouth, not letting it out and watching the facial expressions, switching from something impossibly painful to ambivalence.

_He’s right, Hyungwon. What are you even doing? Whatever you say don’t hurt him, it hurts you too._

“I think I am addicted to you but don’t want to be so I just...create artificial distance? I usually need distance in my life, even with people I’m close to so the sudden intensity overwhelms me a little.” He took a deep breath. “A lot.”  
  
“Want me to leave?” The eyes just stared at a spot on the picture, facial features not moving.

_No._

Hyungwon shook his head quickly and just stepped towards the other man, taking the picture out of his hands and hugging him. It was stupid but an immediate reaction to the thought. He wanted the ambivalence to disappear and the easily readable emotions to return. Hoseok was confusing when he blocked his expressions and didn’t let Hyungwon read them. It was scary.  
  
“It’s fine, it’s not like it’s your fault. I’m also standing here right now, like a dumb person.” Hoseok chuckled. “Why are we like this, seriously?”

_Because you lost control three years ago and still didn’t get it back, Hyungwon._

“Because you make me feel, without desiring pleasure and building up distance. It’s unfamiliar and difficult to comprehend. Pleasure is simple. I know what to do and how to move, but this just makes me feel so lost. And my knowledge seems to be not enough for you.” Hyungwon sighed and let go, grabbing another drawing, one that he had wanted to show Hoseok before. “I drew this after you asked me to lose control. When you talked about rules and regulations and giving up equally. I was scared.”

 _You still are. You can’t say what you want with words, Hyungwon. You never could. Just let him see it like that. He’s the only one who makes it possible to express yourself with drawings._  
  
Hoseok took it out of his hands, tracing the fine lines with his fingers again, as if trying to understand how it appeared on the paper. The soft brown eyes glanced up at him.  
  
“I didn’t mean to scare you, Hyungwon. I just didn’t want to feel miserable and alone after this. Do you understand? I mean I did anyway, which is why it was in vain, but I just wanted to have something in return. From you.” He closed his eyes, as if remembering something. “But it’s not the point. I don’t even know. This is all a fucking mess, why am I even here?” He threw his head back and exhaled sharply, just the way he did when he was frustrated or angry.

Hyungwon swallowed down the discomfort, wish to just hug the other man and make him feel better overwhelming but he needed to make sure that he understood first. He grabbed another drawing from the table and stretched it out towards Hoseok.

“You didn’t want to feel like this?” he asked carefully, fearing the answer to be yes. He didn’t want to make the other man miserable and in pain. That had never been his intention.

_You’re taking his emotions and drawing them but you aren’t giving anything back, are you, Hyungwon?_

_But you want to._

“I kind of thought that you didn’t understand, but you’re able to draw it in perfection, which means that you know exactly. Wow. True talent.” He looked hurt.

“I just draw what I feel when I see it. I-” Hyungwon paused again. This was hard. Hoseok looked so upset and he didn’t want him to be. He wanted him to smile again like he did when Hyungwon talked about rain tasting like a bad mixture of water and London air. “I struggle to understand what it really means. I don’t want to hurt you. How can I give you something in return? I really want to give you something.” His breathing frequency increased again and he couldn’t help it, feeling distressed about how helpless he was. Why couldn’t he just react like other people and do what Hoseok wanted him to?  
  
“I sounded bitter didn’t I? Sorry. The drawings are really beautiful, actually it’s the first time that someone drew me like this. Makes me want to touch my own hair.” He smiled before putting the drawing back on the table. Hyungwon frowned again. The other man was trying to switch the topic although he remained hurt.

“I feel your emotions and draw them but what do you have from kissing me? Why do you respond? It is sexual for you?” Hyungwon asked carefully and grabbed the last picture he drew, the one that had made Jin uncomfortable. He looked at it, wondering if it was alright to show it to Hoseok. It was rather intense, even for Hyungwon himself who had been the one to place the strokes on paper. The other man was beautiful when he came, intensity and emotions overflowing through the lines. He had never really had a feeling for social conduct though, so he just handed it over, biting his lower lip.  
  
“Holy shit.” The other gasped loudly, not answering his questions but staring at the picture with his lips parted. “Did you- oh god, did you really draw me orgasming, Hyungwon?”

_Was it too much?_

Hyungwon nodded slowly, pulling his body up on the desk to sit down on it properly, legs remaining only a few centimeters above the ground. It had the same color as his pants and the transition was almost invisible, just naked skin of the holes in his jeans and his feet disrupting it. The sight was a little calming and he felt good enough to look at Hoseok again, staring up and focusing on the brown eyes.  
  
“You asked me why I respond to you? Because you throw me in a pit of burning hellfire and I don’t understand 80 percent of what is happening when I’m next to you. But I love it. I can’t get enough of this feeling that I can’t predict anything. It’s pure chaos, excitement and- well and other things.“ Hoseok walked over and put his hands on each side of the table, pinning Hyungwon’s body between them.

A gasp left his lips at the sudden proximity but it was not because Hoseok was close, not at all. He had already gotten used to the other man’s presence, body contact not catching him off guard. It was anticipation. Anticipation for what the other man intended to do that Hyungwon couldn’t predict. How could Hoseok call him unpredictable if everything was always carefully planned out and calculated? The artist was the one who broke the chain, taking the fine strings of control that were tied to Hyungwon’s fingertips and ripping them one by one until none was left, only emotions left to guide his limbs.

“You call me unpredictable when you are the one who does nothing according to plan,” Hyungwon whispered, feeling how the muscles in his thighs tensed, heartbeat speeding up and hammering loudly in his chest and ears. It sounded so loud that Hoseok must have heard it too.  
  
The other leaned in, breath tickling Hyungwon’s lips.

 _Kiss him._  
  
“Well, what kind of plan do you have?” Hyungwon smiled at the words, licking over his lips to get the moisture back that disappeared with the increase of his heartbeat and the unquenchable desire to kiss the other man.

“Draw you until the end of time.” He sucked in more air. “See every expression there is and draw it.”  
  
Hoseok licked over his lips before looking up again.  
  
“It’s easier to get a model to draw, and I’m kind of busy working and everything. Sorry about that.”

Hyungwon breathed out slowly, watching the other man’s facial expression and the way the hot breath he exhaled made him react. Hoseok’s face was fascinating, always so expressive. His hands crawled up the other man’s chest until they reached the collar of his shirt and grabbed it tightly, pulling him a little closer.

“But no model makes me feel the way you do. I want you to make me feel it all.”  
  
Hoseok’s eyes widened and he could feel the way the other man’s breathing pattern changed, shorter and more rough exhales hitting his lips.

“And I’ll just make you feel in return, would that be fair?” Hyungwon breathed against the other man’s lips, reacting himself to the way Hoseok responded to his actions, scratching over his neck lightly with a few fingers of his hand but keeping his grip on the collar tight.  
  
“That depends on what you will make me feel.” Hoseok’s hands moved up and curled around Hyungwon’s hips.

_What can you make him feel, Hyungwon? What would be fair? You can’t just hurt him again and do whatever._

A tingling sensation spread at the proximity, throwing the fine line he always perceived with Hoseok closer to arousal again, legs shivering at the intensity of the bodily contact.

“Whatever you want me to make you feel,” he exhaled as his tongue licked over the artist’s lower lip. “But I might need time for some emotions.” Hoseok hissed at the sensation, but seemed to catch himself pretty fast.  
  
“Hyungwon?” The gaze was intense and different from the way Hoseok normally looked when they were in a situation like this. He couldn’t help but swallow loudly, lips parting at the electric impulse that shot through his body at the eye contact. He nodded to show he was listening.

“Could it be that you like me?” The gaze remained the same while the other man was waiting for an answer. Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the question.

 _Like him?_  
  
Hyungwon couldn’t help the flashback, remembering how Minhyuk had used the same words about two years ago. Lying in bed with him, arms around each other because the other man loved hugging and Hyungwon provided it as a part of their silent agreement. He had asked Hyungwon whether he liked him. The answer had already been difficult then. The definition of liking had never really made much sense to him.

The wish to be with another person was not something he perceived, not with Minhyuk and also not with Hoseok. He did wish to be close to the artist but he wasn’t able to handle the constant proximity. It pressured him and overloaded his senses easily. When Hyungwon hadn't been able to answer back then, Minhyuk had just laughed at him, pursing his lips into a pout and burying his face in his shoulder, chuckling about how it wasn’t a serious question and how Hyungwon was probably not able to love another person, never giving anything without a condition.

_Would you give Hoseok something if there was nothing to receive in return?_

Hyungwon couldn’t answer. He did receive something so imagining what it would be like if he didn’t wasn’t possible. He just didn’t know. He wanted to draw Hoseok’s emotions and he wanted to draw them all, see them all. And he was willing to do everything the other man wanted for it.

_You just don’t know._

“A friend of mine once said that I am unable to genuinely like someone. So I don’t know,” he replied and couldn’t help the way his lips pulled into a thin line. He didn’t like his answer. It didn’t have any content. “I want to draw you and see your emotions. That’s all I know. And I am willing to give in return. Everything you wish for.”

“Sounds like a business case, but you're a CEO so I guess that's how you're able to get what you want.” The other leaned back, putting distance between them, ignoring Hyungwon’s hand on his collar as if it was nothing.

“You’re wrong,” he replied immediately, shaking his head to support the words. He didn’t want to be misunderstood again. “Some things are never up for a deal. If I don’t want something the deal doesn’t matter to me. But I am willing to lose control for you if you want me to. And-” Hyungwon paused because the realization became painfully obvious. “You have seen what that means today. A lot. Please don’t leave.”

A small smile appeared on the pretty lips.

“Why would I want something that you hate so much? I'm not a sadist.”

Hyungwon’s hands began shivering and he took slower breaths, forcing himself to remain calm and get his point across, burying his hands into his jeans instead of keeping them in the air, shivering less obvious that way but still visible.

_He’s special._

“I don’t hate it if it’s you.”

“But you look as if I'm making you uncomfortable. I don't want that.” Hoseok closed his eyes.

“But if you leave I’ll be miserable. I don’t want that.” Hyungwon took a deep breath and looked up properly, focusing on Hoseok’s eyes. “It’s just hard to admit- makes me realise it’s really true.”

Hyungwon kept the eye contact, forcing himself to only look at the brown orbs, wide eyes staring back.

_It’s the truth, Hyungwon. He makes you lose control but you want him to._

_Just like three years ago._

_Let him._

 

***

 

Why wasn't anything easy for once.

Why wasn't Hyungwon easy?

_Because you are a masochist, Hoseok. Shownu is right about your unhealthy fascination with people who treat you like a trophy, or a competitor, or a dictionary of human emotion._

Hoseok had even asked the other if he liked him. To understand Hyungwon better. He wasn't sure what answer he wanted to hear, but it surely wasn’t ‘a friend told me I'm not able to like anyone’.

Amazing.

_Why are you even here, Hoseok? He just wants to draw you and you...are an idiot._

He tried to leave while Hyungwon suggested to throw his control at him, assuming that it was exactly what Hoseok had wanted.

_You don't want his control. You want him._

“But if you leave I’ll be miserable. I don’t want that.” Hyungwon looked him directly in the eyes, making him feel so special just by offering eye contact. “It’s just hard to admit- makes me realise it’s really true.”

_Holy shit._

His heartbeat hammered against the ribcage and it wasn't lust. It was the incredible tension that was present every time they were together in a room mixed with a strange feeling. The feeling he almost forgot existed.

_You're different. He may not like you but you're more than just someone. You're special to him._

“Shit.” A harsh breath left his mouth.

Hoseok leaned in and kissed those plump lips, arms immediately curling around the lean body and pressing his chest against the other man. Hyungwon narrowed the long legs around his hips and kissed back, gasping into his mouth, fingers sinking into his muscular back.

Hoseok wanted him so badly. The emotional rollercoaster had fucked with his inhibitions (not that he had a lot of them), mind moving somewhere between being hurt, hard, extremely infatuated and frustrated.

He placed himself closer between Hyungwon’s legs, gasping at the way the other's thighs were pressing against his hips and sucked on the plump lower lip, heartbeat hammering even faster than before. The beautiful man moaned before he stopped himself and hissed, licking into Hoseok’s mouth and repeatedly scratching over his back to force him even closer. Hyungwon's legs crossed behind his hips.

“I want to touch you. Take it off,” his low voice groaned against the fabric of Hyungwon’s sweater. Hoseok hated it. All those clothes. The other man looked him in the eyes for a few seconds, again, directly before he nodded and lifted his arms, waiting for Hoseok to pull the pullover off his body.

The golden skin shimmered in the dimmed light of the table lamp as it had gotten really dark in the meantime. The fine lines of the ink on the other man’s body made him seem even more unreal than he already was. Hoseok let his fingers roam over the underarms and up to the shoulders, drawing fine lines with his nails over the tattooed chest and down to the toned muscles of Hyungwon’s stomach. The other man sucked his lower lip into his mouth and threw his head back, placing his hands next to his thighs on the desk, basking in Hoseok’s affection.  
  
Hoseok pulled his shirt up and threw it next to his feet, naked skin in an amazing contrast to the other man’s. He felt the need to attach himself to Hyungwon’s body and it couldn’t have been explained by sexual attraction only, of that he was sure, but ignored the thought nevertheless.  
  
He leaned in, sucking on a nipple, playing with his tongue piercing around it and breathing in the amazing fragrance he loved so much, since three years ago. The other man kept biting his lip, not quite letting go yet as he had intended on doing but pulled Hoseok repeatedly closer with the long legs he kept around his hips, adding his arms by curling them around his neck, raking through his hair or pulling it.

“You’re so muscular, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered as he squeezed his shoulder and biceps. The muscles tensed immediately at the touch, things he could’ve used his strength for flooding his mind with pictures.  
  
“Your body, I can’t get enough of it. I want to feel all of your skin,” Hoseok murmured, letting the nipple go and licking a stripe from Hyungwon’s neck to his earlobe. “I hate your pants.”

The other man chuckled at the comment and let one hand trail over Hoseok’s arm until it passed over the connection of their bodies to his own chest, sliding further to rub over his own crotch, nibbling on his lower lip with a hiss.

“Same.”  
  
_Oh holy fuck._  
  
That must’ve been the fastest movement that day, his hands opened the button and unzipped the black jeans, stepping back and looking up at Hyungwon to get rid of the useless fabric. The other man had left his hand on his right thigh as he had watched Hoseok fumbling with his jeans at the speed of light. As soon as he stepped back Hyungwon slid down to pull them halfway, jumping back up and stretching out his leg towards Hoseok to let him slide the fabric down the rest of the way.  
  
_Throw it somewhere where he can’t find it again._  
  
Hyungwon’s body was beautiful. Tall and thin but with lean muscles and beautifully golden skin, inked shoulder, chest and arm adding up to the immense attractiveness.

Hoseok placed his hands on both knees simultaneously, sliding up the other man’s thighs. Hyungwon gasped quietly at the contact and spread his legs gradually to make more room for Hoseok, grabbing the waistband of his jeans with his right index finger and pulling him closer, crashing their lips together.  
  
“You got me,” Hoseok whispered in the short break Hyungwon was willing to give him, hands roaming over the smooth, naked skin. It was the first time he had seen the other absolutely naked and fuck it deserved to get first place in the ‘Hoseok’s best moments of 2018’. Sure, the year had just started, but he’d take the three years before too.

“Wait for it,” Hyungwon replied with a grin and slid his hand into Hoseok’s jeans, curling his long warm fingers around his erection and squeezing. “Now I do.”  
  
_Cute._  
  
Hoseok moved his nails along the lean inner thigh, leaving slim trails, stopping right where Hyungwon had wanted him and going back slowly, repeating the whole thing with both hands simultaneously. The other man pressed his lips together as his eyes rolled back slowly, eyelids closing and air leaving steadily through his nose, hand tightening around Hoseok’s dick. Hoseok couldn’t help a low moan, before putting his hand in front of his mouth, licking over every finger slowly, gaze narrowing and a small smile on his face.

Hyungwon opened one eye, watching the action, as he breathed through his nose and let his thumb circle the head of Hoseok’s erection. He hummed over his own fingers when it got too intense, closing his eyes shut, but opening them again until every finger was coated.

“You’re worse than Minhyuk,” Hyungwon commented with a smile and groaned, glancing to the side before staring at Hoseok again, thumb not pausing its ministrations.  
  
_Who the fuck is Minhyuk?_  
  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Hoseok said and curled his fingers around the perfectly shaped erection, squeezing it and sliding up and down easily. Hyungwon lifted his gaze, staring at him, lips parted but no sound coming out.

“Do you want me to let go, Hoseok?” he asked, voice low and licking over his lower lip, air leaving his nose in harsh pants.  
  
_Yes_.  
  
He wasn’t sure he could take it, but he wanted it, yes. There was nothing he had wanted more than to see the other man lose himself because of the things he did. He nodded, gaze glued to Hyungwon’s face. The beautiful man exhaled through his mouth, closing his eyes for a few seconds before returning them to Hoseok’s, eye contact impossibly intense with the way he always avoided it usually.

“Can you promise me not to listen to what I tell you when I do that?”

That was a very difficult thing to do considering the fact that he had perfect hearing ability. But he could try not to take it seriously, that was indeed possible.

He nodded again.

Hyungwon smiled beautifully and grabbed his face, placing a kiss on his lips and letting long fingers roam freely through the strands of Hoseok’s hair, breathing frequency increasing with each lick of the pink tongue. Hoseok bit into his bottom lip, moaning at the movements of the other man’s hands in both, his pants and his hair.

He enjoyed the way Hyungwon’s erection felt in his hand, sliding his fingers over it, applying pressure to the tip and going down in the sensations. Hyungwon moaned into his mouth and paused the strokes on Hoseok’s erection for a second or two before resuming it, digging his thumb into the slit instead of circling it around the head. The naked thighs shivered around him and tightened their grip, one rubbing along Hoseok’s jeans repeatedly.  
  
He was so beautifully naked, driving Hoseok insane just by sitting on the desk, but those long fingers drove him absolutely nuts. He wanted more, so much more. Increasing his strokes he thought about trying to take him in his mouth again.

Hyungwon gasped continuously, groaning and throwing his head back once in a while, pulling Hoseok’s hair along with him tightly and hips lifting to meet the movements of his hand. It was fucking hot and he wanted to make the other moan more. He sank down to his knees, biting and kissing along the inner thigh, one hand leaving thin trails with his nails before he breathed over Hyungwon’s length, licking over the tip, tongue piercing sliding around the head. Hyungwon’s body almost convulsed, thighs tightening around his head and the other man’s palms hitting against the desk, holding himself in place.

“Fucking hell,” he hissed, staring down at Hoseok.  
  
_Indeed._  
  
Hoseok looked up while licking over his lips repeatedly and took the warm erection into his mouth, humming around it, tongue playing with the tip. Hyungwon moaned loudly, nails scratching over the wooden surface, right leg lifting and resting on Hoseok’s shoulder, eyes wide and unfocused.

“Fuck, Hoseok, god, more,” he murmured, lips parted and pupils blown. Hoseok felt his dick twitching in his pants at the sight, or the words, or Hyungwon’s perfect erection in his mouth or all of it at the same time. Shit, he lost his mind, the desire to fuck the other up tingling at the tips of his fingers, so he did.

Sliding all the way down, until the tip hit his throat, he hummed over it loudly and letgo with a loud noise, before repeating the whole thing, fingernails digging in the skin of Hyungwon’s thighs. One hand grabbed his hair harshly, pulling painfully and supporting the rhythm as Hyungwon groaned in his low voice and mumbled something incoherent. It was hard to tell what it was, but he kept repeating it, throwing his head back in ecstasy.  
  
_Fuck, this is so fucking hot. You could die here and not have a single regret._  
  
His tongue sped up, pressing down at the connection between tip and shaft and let his piercing slide along, adding up on the sensations and massaging the other man’s balls with the left hand.

“Fuck, can’t you just fuck me with that huge dick of yours,” Hyungwon mumbled, finally loud enough for Hoseok to understand, and tightened his legs even more around his head, thighs trembling and knuckles white from the force with which he held onto the desk.

 _Wait, what?_  
  
_You promised not to listen. That’s just dirty talk._  
  
Hoseok deepthroated him instead, because fuck he was good at it, and the other man rewarded him on so many levels that he really wanted to taste him on his tongue. Hyungwon cursed, moans leaving his lips without a break and his body tensed for a short second as he released himself into Hoseok’s mouth, muscle tension leaving him again and almost slipping of the table, knuckles still white from holding on to the desk edge. Hoseok swallowed and licked everything clean.  
  
_Like a good cat._  
  
Standing up, he lifted the other up on the table so he was seated properly and had something to lean on. Hyungwon exhaled slowly and curled his arms around Hoseok’s shoulders, burying his face in his neck and breathing in his scent.

“I want to make you come,” he whispered, curling his legs around Hoseok as well.  
  
“You almost made me come with the way you moaned so beautifully. I love your voice, fuck, you’re addicting.” Hoseok placed a warm kiss against the soft neck, smelling like the mixture of cherry wood and sex. Hyungwon hummed in reply, placing soft pecks along Hoseok’s neck and shoulder, sucking a nipple into his mouth before returning to the lips, holding onto his face.

“Almost, but not really. What may I do to you?” he asked, parting from Hoseok’s lips and breathing his words against them instead.

 _May? Every-fucking-thing._  
  
“I don’t care, as long as you touch me somehow. I’m kind of dying.” He smiled and kissed the red lips in front of him. The other man smirked into the kiss and pressed his index finger into Hoseok’s chest to put some distance between them, traveling down and turning them around. His lips immediately attached to Hoseok’s, sliding along over his jaw and pecs down over his abs.

His hands dug into the waistband of Hoseok’s jeans, pulling them down his hips slowly, biting at his clothed thigh as he did so. When Hoseok stepped out of them Hyungwon threw them behind himself, smiling. Licking over his plump lips he glanced up, establishing eye contact before stretching out his pink tongue and licking over the tip of Hoseok’s erection. Tiny licks around the head were everything Hyungwon granted him, nothing more as two fingers walked up his thigh, arriving where he wanted them and curling around Hoseok’s erection, holding it in place.  
  
“Don’t you think you teased me enough?” Hoseok groaned, raking his hand through the black hair and asking himself whether he’d survive it.

“Don’t like it?” Hyungwon asked, sucking at the transition between head and shaft, stroking simultaneously with his hand.  
  
_Asshole._  
  
“I like it too much. Your dick in my mouth kind of got me going already and I’m really, really losing my shit right now.” Hoseok tried to get a proper sentence together, moaning at every lick and movement of the long fingers. The golden skin and the tattooed shoulder didn’t make it easier.

Hyungwon paused both and looked up properly.

“So you like teasing, but right now it’s a little much ‘cause you are rather close,” he concluded before parting his lips and taking as much of Hoseok as he could, deep-throating him repeatedly, hand helping along with what he couldn’t reach as his tongue swirled over the head each time he slid up, before flattening against the edge as he moved back down.  
  
Hoseok was a mess. A moaning mess, but the way those lips and tongue felt around him was just outworldly, fading out everything else and turning his insides into a burning pit.  
  
“I’m close. Holy shit,” he groaned, grip tightening in Hyungwon’s hair. The other man just hummed in response, increasing his efforts and speeding up. His left hand massaged Hoseok’s balls as he repeatedly slid down, sucking his way up and adding a turn to his head movements.  
  
Hoseok felt electricity spiking up from his groin, spreading out in every cell of his body, muscles tensing impossibly as he released himself with a low groan, one hand still in Hyungwon’s hair. He panted hard, eyes closed and mouth slightly open, licking over his lips repeatedly and trying to calm down.

Hyungwon swallowed, keeping Hoseok as far in his mouth as possible before sucking his way back up and letting go with a plop, licking over his lips quickly and glancing at him. The black-haired focused on his eyes for a few seconds before he stood up.

“You okay?”  
  
_What? Okay? No?_  
  
“Mhm.” He threw his head back, heartbeat calming a little but skin still tingling from the intense orgasm. Hyungwon watched him for a while before he stretched out his arms.

“Hug?” he asked calmly.  
  
_You two are everything else but normal, Hoseok._  
  
Hoseok spread out his arms while closing his eyes again. Hyungwon easily stepped towards him, fingers circling around his neck and massaging it as the other’s head leaned against his shoulder, breathing quietly. Hoseok curled his arms around the thin body, enjoying the feeling of skin against skin, without incredible tension hanging in the air and without being hard as an iron rod. It felt intense. Somehow it seemed as if he had to hold on to it, as long as it lasted, so he did, sucking in the cherry wood scent and the transcending warmth of Hyungwon’s body pressing against his own.  
  
“Shit, that’s intense.” He didn’t know why he said it, but it somehow left his lips without further notice. Hyungwon hummed in reply, body relaxed and resting on Hoseok’s shoulder, not saying anything and just breathing. One index finger followed the lines of one of Hoseok’s tattoos, letting his nail move along them without bruising. He wanted Hyungwon to draw on his body, with his nails and teeth. “I love how it feels like,” Hoseok breathed against the other man’s hair, while his hands slid along the smooth skin of Hyungwon’s back.  
  
“What exactly?” the other man asked as his index finger moved onto the next tattoo. “I want to draw something.”  
  
_Everything. All of it._  
  
A sudden tingling appeared in his fingers, idea materializing in his head.  
  
“All of it. Are you ok?” He asked, trying to get a glimpse of the other man’s eyes. He seemed calm, watching the movements of his fingers and breathing steadily.

“Yeah, just want to draw,” Hyungwon replied and smiled, looking up at Hoseok. There they were, those eyes. Like a blue moon.  
  
_Fucking same. Oh god, for once._  
  
“Me too. Could you give me paper and a pencil, also a blue tint one and uhm, I think a grey tint one too.” He spoke fast, thinking about the materials he would need to get the exact image of the moon he thought about for a whole week on a piece of paper. Hyungwon let him go, turning towards his desk and opening a drawer, getting a collection of pencils out. He took one for himself and handed the rest to Hoseok before letting himself fall on the office chair and picking two blank sheets of paper. Again handing one to Hoseok before turning away and immediately scribbling away.  
  
Hoseok really wanted to draw, but he also wanted to put on pants first. He slid them up his legs, hating the fabric although it was one of his favourite ones. Hyungwon forgot the tint pens, which was okay, but he needed them so it wasn’t. Walking over to the table, he roamed through the tons of different materials, until he found the perfect color. He sat down on the floor and started drawing. It was complex, incredibly complex. A moon.  
  
_A blue moon._  
  
He didn’t know why it had to be blue, maybe because he liked blue and wanted to be blue watercolor. Hyungwon on the other hand, was the grey moon, shining so beautifully but also so incredibly far away, distant from everything that happened down on earth.

Where Hoseok was.  
  
The lines and dots filled the paper, drawing with different pencils and ink pens it became more and more visible. It was beautiful. The blue moon.

_You can't reach or grasp the moon, but you can paint it blue with yourself._

The sound of a pencil scratching over paper sounded from the desk where Hyungwon was drawing too, not getting distracted by anything, eyes completely focused on his work and not even jerking at the honking sound of a car outside. Hoseok was finished and used the time to get dressed and put his stuff into the black bag with his name on it. He still found it creepy.

He walked over to the desk where Hyungwon was drawing, naked, which was honestly amazing because his body was simply beautiful. He stretched out his hand and put the drawing on the desk next to the one the other man was creating.

Suddenly Hyungwon lifted his head, blinking a few times before he looked around the office until he focused on Hoseok, glancing somewhere above his forehead.

“I’m done,” he said simply and stood up, still naked and went to a cupboard, getting a bottle of water out and emptying it with a few gulps. Hoseok grinned. The other man was hilarious, drawing and running around naked while drinking water at midnight. In his office. Sure, why not?  
  
“Fine. Me too. It’s on the table. It’s almost midnight, so I guessed you wanted to go home.” He smiled while leaning against the wall, bag bouncing in his hand. Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he stared at the clock, indicating there were ten minutes left until midnight. What followed was the fastest Hoseok had ever seen Hyungwon, who was usually calm in his actions and movements. The other man grabbed his jeans, pulling them over his slim legs quickly, threw on his pullover, looked around the room until he found his jacket, putting that on as well and slipping into his wet shoes. Lastly he grabbed his own drawing from the table and held it out to Hoseok.

“There.”  
  
Hoseok just stayed with his mouth opened, before taking the picture and waiting for the other to leave so he could follow him out. Hyungwon returned to the table and took Hoseok’s drawing, packing it up and walking out of the door without any further comment.  
  
He walked home while staring at the fine lines gracing the paper. It was Hyungwon and him, hugging just like they had before leaving, the other man resting his head on his shoulder and tracing his tattoo. However Hyungwon mainly drew Hoseok’s facial expression although he hadn’t seen it. Just like with the kiss on Hoseok’s back the other man had drawn something he hadn’t been aware of. Their bodies were fluently transforming into the lines of wind, only the most prominent features visible, a storm surrounding them. But the fine strokes, softness of the lines evoked the impression of calm. It was beautiful. Hoseok couldn’t help but think about the way their perception differed on so many levels, but somehow it was also similar. It was what he felt. It was how it felt like for Hoseok, tingling along his skin, rushing like adrenaline through his veins, but also calm. Was it calm?  
  
_No it isn’t. It’s him being so strangely affectionate that other things fade into nothing compared to it._

 _You are showing him your emotions and he makes you feel, just like he promised._  
_  
_ That was the deal, wasn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the last cliff hanger :D
> 
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	10. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why can't my desire be quenched? I don't know, why can't you stop drawing me?”

The air was cold, wind passing easily through the wet shoes and freezing up his feet. The way home wasn't far, close enough for Hyungwon to walk, eyes hushing over the still lively streets of London, mentally fighting the icy sensation. Everything was the same but somehow it wasn't. His eyes continuously jumped from one little detail in front of him to the next, attempting to distract his brain with visual input. The street lamp next to him was less bright compared to the others, a young man was wearing only one glove, someone had placed a partially ripped sticker of a naked woman on the wall of an office building and there was an extended crack in the pavement, pointing out the clearly defined geometrical pattern of the pavement squares in front of him. 

Hyungwon began walking such that his feet didn't touch the lines separating them, jumping from one small island to the next. The single squares were like safe heavens and he imagined how stepping on a line equaled something horrible, hell or something similar. He wasn't religious so it didn't really matter what it was, it only mattered that it wasn't desirable, like losing control. Walking quickly and attentively he began finding a rhythm that fit and kept repeating it with every step.

But he still felt restless.

Keeping up the rhythm he added words to it. Each syllable fitting to the sound of a step, repeating endlessly. 

_ You - lost - con-trol - and - it's - okay.  _

_ You - lost - con-trol - and - it's - okay.  _

His breathing sped up, avoidance not as easy anymore now that he kept repeating it, reminding him of the way he let himself go, allowing Hoseok to see it. Just like the other man had wished. It hadn't been easy, not before and not after although Hyungwon had offered it himself, wanting to give the other man something special in return. To make it fair. 

The effort that Hyungwon had infused into staying calm and collected, keeping his composure instead of panicking or expressing the fear and helplessness he felt everytime it happened was tremendous. He had smiled and immediately acted on pleasure, distracting himself from the fact that he had let behaviour happen without consciously deciding on it, body acting on its own will.

Even now he felt lost, steps bringing calm but not solving the insecurity, the knowledge that he had done something he despised, gave in to the helplessness. 

_ But something was different.  _

It had been. Hyungwon hadn't let go involuntarily. He had offered it himself, proposing it to Hoseok and only asking for one thing as his condition.

_ You wanted him to ignore your outbursts, the things you say when you are delirious and that you don't mean. _

Hyungwon took a deep breath, steps still fitting perfectly into the squares he named as his personal heaven. 

_ He listened to you, Hyungwon.  _

Hoseok had listened and not acted on Hyungwon's irrational requests. But why did he agree in the first place? What made him feel so sure that Hoseok would listen to him and follow his request?

_ Do you trust him? _

Did he? It would be trust that came out of nowhere and had no particular justification or reasonable thought process behind it. Hyungwon trusted Jin after years of living together and he trusted Minhyuk after years of knowing him. The same applied to Kyungsoo who had enjoyed two years to prove himself. All of them had gone through an extensive time period of distrust and although Hyungwon trusted them he wouldn't allow himself to lose control around them. So why Hoseok?

_ No matter why you trusted him, he didn't break it, Hyungwon.  _

Hoseok had somehow  managed to convince Hyungwon of his trustworthiness without letting him realise. He hadn’t misused it though, following his request and ignoring his outbursts. It was a little stupid but Hyungwon couldn't help feeling glad at the realization. He could continue to give Hoseok something without just taking the other man's emotions from him like a parasite. He was able to return something in exchange, himself. 

The line between emotions and pleasure became more and more difficult to define. It was as if Hoseok wished for Hyungwon to add feelings to the pleasure, losing control and melting into the touch. But he had never done that before. Pleasure was pleasure and emotions were emotions. They belonged on paper to be comprehended and not in the bodily contact with another human. It was complicated and a little overwhelming, brain struggling to keep the lines and borders intact. 

_ But he's somehow special, Hyungwon. You are willing to give up something you have never been willing to even show to anybody.  _

Hoseok was making him feel. He had said and mentioned it so many times already. The other man had the ability to express emotions with his face such that Hyungwon recognised them, understood them and felt capable of expressing them by himself through drawing. The feelings of other people never made sense to him usually, too complex and resulting in misunderstandings, intentions almost impossible to identify. An inability that resulted in a mass of tears and hurt that he wasn't able to understand either unless it was expressed sufficiently.

Hoseok had that ability, pushing every emotion to the surface, expressions soft and overwhelming. The emotional attachment that Hyungwon felt was just becoming more complex and pressuring with the added sexual tension between them. Hoseok was attractive but being close to the other man had never been Hyungwon's goal. 

_ But what was your goal? Did you even have one, Hyungwon? _

His steps got louder on the concrete, material changing and echoing with each contact. His plan had been to finish the collaboration project, but now that wasn’t true anymore. Now he wished to experience the emotions the other man let him feel, all of them and put them on paper. He wanted to understand him.

The wetness of his feet was disturbing but his thoughts provided enough distraction. It was difficult to believe that Hyungwon was really willing to give up on self control for the experience of emotions through Hoseok. 

Was it really that simple? 

Drawing was his way of understanding so what was he trying to understand by drawing Hoseok? The other man’s emotions? But why? He could feel them and understood them through drawing but why were the artist’s emotions of such relevance?

_ This must be really important to you, Hyungwon.  _

It was. He had never desired something as much as to draw the other man and have him next to him, watching his facial expressions and understanding how he felt. Even on his way home the desire to experience the emotions didn't leave him, constantly in the back of his head, not making room for the usual aspects of his routine. 

_ You still have his drawing.  _

Hyungwon stopped walking, making sure his feet were perfectly placed inside the pavement squares as he grabbed his backpack and took out the piece of paper that Hoseok had left on his desk. It was a moon. On the first glance it appeared simple, a detailed drawing of a moon in blue. However the fine lines told a different story. It had been grey first, a grey moon and the blue colour was only added after, infusing itself into the texture of the moon, unable to do anything else except for colouring it blue.

Hyungwon closed his eyes for a few seconds before taking another detailed look at the drawing. It felt helpless, melancholic but also affectionate. It was complex, just like Hoseok and the things the other man constantly made him feel. Hyungwon wanted to see him again. 

_ But you just saw him a few minutes ago.  _

That was true but didn't change the fact that the desire remained, wish to experience the same feelings he had poured into the drawing he had given to the artist. Hoseok made him yearn for the touch of his lips, for the way the strands felt between his fingers and finally the man himself, a potent mixture of emotions Hyungwon wasn’t capable of experiencing on his own. 

_ You lied. _

His eyes widened impossibly as his backpack fell to the ground, fingers simply letting go as the picture remained between his index finger and thumb, fear crawling up from its hiding place that Hyungwon was never able to reach. 

_ You said that you never want anybody around because it tires you out. But you keep spending so much time with Hoseok and still you want to see him again.  _

_ You lied, Hyungwon.  _

His head hurt, patterns of his thoughts not fitting into the existing structure. It was impossible to sort them in, let the world make sense again by adjusting what was already there but the new information just didn't fit in. Too radically different. 

_ You want to see him because you are addicted to the emotions you see. You want to draw them all and be around him. Maybe your head will get enough of it eventually and you can let go? _

The air entered his lungs suddenly, awareness that he hadn't been breathing filling out his consciousness, chest burning painfully from the strain of holding his breath. 

But could emotions ever end? Was there a limited amount? And was each expression of the same emotion identical to the previous one? Hyungwon didn't know, but he needed to find out and if Hoseok desired his body and his control to find out then so be it. 

_ You'd let him do anything.  _

_ Because he's special. _

_  
  


Hyungwon felt perfectly in control and composed throughout the next day, working efficiently and criticizing artwork that he considered too bland for his new collections. He had even tried out a new piece of clothing although it was a fabric he usually despised. However, despite all the effort and massive amount of self control he displayed, he felt dissatisfied. The day was not going the way he had planned it to go. At all.

_ It’s past eight and Hoseok is still not here. _

Maybe it had been inaccurate to conclude from that one time in the rain that the artist intended on drawing on the rooftop, but Hyungwon had expected that, resulting in a violation of his expectation and immense discomfort. In addition it had seemed like the two of them reached an agreement and the artist would be coming around more often, making sure they saw each other. However apparently that had not been part of the agreement. Furthermore there was not much he could do about the other man’s absence. Although Hyungwon enjoyed Hoseok being around him, appearing at the other man’s studio without a reason was going too far, even for him.

_ It’s only the first day, Hyungwon. _

His fingers were flicking through a magazine with proposals for the new collection as he stared at the drawing of the blue moon which he had placed on his table in a frame. He had considered putting it on the wall, but hadn’t been able to do so, colors too different from the potent mixture that were Kandinsky’s paintings.

_ But you still liked it enough to put it on your table instead of your body for once. _

When he reached the last page of the magazine a careful knock sounded from the door, as if the person had been waiting for the right moment to disturb him. Kyungsoo entered and wore an unreadable expression, fingers playing with the cuffs of his shirt and legs pressed together more tightly than usual. Hyungwon wasn’t sure what that meant but didn’t bother figuring it out any further. Words would have to solve the mystery.

“Mr. Shin has written to me and pointed out that he prepared several drawings for the collaboration, therefore I intend on leaving the office for about an hour to pick them up, Mr. Chae,” the secretary explained calmly.

_ Why would he go? _

The thought was unexpected but immediate. Hyungwon had been looking for a justification to go and now Kyungsoo was providing him with exactly that, just that the secretary intended on going on his own. Well, Hyungwon had nothing particular written as his plan except for ‘drawing’ and that could easily be interpreted as ‘picking up a drawing’.

“Don’t bother, Kyungsoo. It’s already past eight so feel free to go home. I have a few things I wish to discuss with him, therefore I will pick up the drawings myself,” Hyungwon replied and closed the magazine, arranging it neatly on the side of his table, such that the edge of the journal was aligned with the edge of the table. Instead of simply nodding and leaving, as the secretary usually did, the other man remained in his office, glancing at him for an extended period of time. Hyungwon couldn’t figure out why that would be. “Is there a problem with that?”

Kyungsoo was released from his stupor and shook his head quickly before smiling.

“Of course not, Mr. Chae, feel free.”

As soon as the secretary left his office Hyungwon packed up his things, grabbing his backpack and filling it with his usual essentials such as pencils and paper and a bottle of water. When everything was in place and arranged accordingly he threw on his leather jacket and left, calling himself a taxi to avoid public transport. There were way too many people around and it made him uncomfortable, unable to focus on all of them at the same time and getting surprised easily. He definitely had enough bad experiences to last him a lifetime.

When the taxi turned around the corner and Hyungwon was able to see the tattoo studio he couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. After all he couldn't really tell how Hoseok would react this time. The other man had requested Kyungsoo to come and not him and might have decided to avoid Hyungwon again. It was difficult to figure out and he hoped Hoseok wouldn’t be upset to see him.

He paid quickly, making sure it was exactly ten percent tip, before walking over to the studio door, taking a deep breath and knocking. 

_ You haven’t been this nervous since moving out, Hyungwon. _

There was no reply, so Hyungwon knocked again, waiting for 30 seconds which he counted in his head. Taking a more detailed look at the door he saw a bell and felt a little stupid. In addition the door was open judging by the space between the door and the frame. Hyungwon sighed at himself, pushing against the door slightly and feeling how it yielded.

_ It’s not that late yet, Hyungwon, why would he keep it closed? And why are you so out of it? You didn’t even see him yet. _

He walked in, sighing at his own confusion and closing the door behind himself.

An unfamiliar man was on the couch, drinking coffee and looking at him as soon as Hyungwon walked in. The hair was black and various lines of dark ink seemed to cover his whole body up until the neck.

_ A regular? _   
  
“Didn’t you close up, Hoseok?” he said, looking behind him, where the artist appeared, holding a cup of coffee. Hyungwon wasn’t quite sure how to deal with the situation. He intended on meeting Hoseok but the presence of the other man threw him off track. It always made interaction so much more difficult when there were more people and conversations between people that he was forced to keep track of. He quickly pressed his fingers against his thigh in a calming rhythm as he tried to ignore the man on the couch, placing his backpack on the side before sitting down himself.

_ Social conduct, Hyungwon. _

“Hi.”   
  
Hoseok looked a little shocked, mouth slightly open, before he walked over and stared at him, ignoring the other man’s question.   
  
“Why are you here? I thought Kyungsoo would come? Why would you make the whole way just for the pics?” 

“Because I wanted to,” Hyungwon answered simply. It was the truth after all and he didn’t lie unless it prevented a catastrophe or he wasn’t aware of the fact that he had lied. He crossed his legs to sit a little more comfortably and took a glance at the familiar furniture of the studio. Everything was still the same and that made it easier. Only the additional drafts on the wall indicated that something had happened since the last time he had been there. Hoseok smiled brightly before walking over to the coffee machine.    
  
“Coffee?” He pointed at the machine and glanced at the other person sitting on the other side of the couch. Hyungwon had almost forgotten him, unaware of his presence until Hoseok refocused his attention. The black-haired man grinned.   
  
“I want one. I’m Changkyun by the way, nice to meet you.” The stranger stretched out a hand and smiled. Hyungwon blinked once and simply started his introductory program.

“I am Hyungwon, nice to meet you too,” he said and put a smile on his face, relaxing his features and keeping up eye contact for three seconds. When those were over he let go of the other man’s hand, making sure he shook it with the right amount of strength that appeared confident and friendly, before he turned to Hoseok. “It is past six so I would prefer it if you don’t make me a coffee.”   
  
The artist turned around looking surprised, but caught himself, looking over to the man called Changkyun.   
  
“You already had one. Go away,” Hoseok commented, switching his gaze to Hyungwon again. “Wait, I’ll get the drawings.” He walked inside the studio. 

It would have been going too far to call Hyungwon an expert on human sympathy, but telling someone to go away and saying that their reason for staying was invalid seemed like a rather strong rejection. Even Hyungwon could tell. Hoseok must have disliked the black-haired man whose name he had already forgotten again.

“Hoseok doesn’t seem very fond of your presence,” he commented, leaning back against the couch and glancing at a particularly well drawn flower, petals almost alive. The other man chuckled and his voice sounded very low.    
  
“Nah, he’s always like this with people he has the hots for. Being whipped as fuck but telling them to go away.” A grin appeared on the other man’s face, followed by a hand that brushed the black bangs back. “You’re here because of the company work right?” 

“He draws for me,” Hyungwon said, answering the question about the company. The black-haired stranger had a confusing way of expressing himself, putting a lot of slang into a single sentence and making it a little harder to comprehend. 

_ Hoseok tells people he likes to go away? _

“Guess he must like me then.” 

The other looked surprised, turning his head around to face Hyungwon properly.    
  
“Well, if he fucked you before telling you to go away, then yes.” The black-haired took the last sip of his coffee, before putting the cup on the table. Something in Hyungwon’s head told him that it had been rather rude but he couldn’t care less. He only paid attention to the way he spoke because he had a business to run, spending hours on end to learn it properly.

“I don’t get fucked, I fuck, but I guess he did. Interesting,” he replied eventually and glanced at the other man’s face, focusing on the eyebrows. He was handsome, a little short but with nice features, a prominent nose and a sharp jawline.   
  
“You’re a top? Well then there’s no way Hoseok is interested anyway. Fact is, he is telling me to go away, but then he also fucks me, which makes it fine in the end. The output counts. I’m his ex-boyfriend by the way.” Something about the way the man spoke was nasty, as if trying to spill a lot of information at once. It didn’t happen to Hyungwon often, but the words alone were sufficient to feel a rather prominent dislike for the other man. He seemed like someone Hoseok shouldn’t be around.

“And why are you telling me all of this?” he asked, trying to comprehend the other man’s intentions. The information was of no value to him unless Hoseok’s ex-boyfriend was aware of their arrangement and had a problem with it. Which was also of no interest whatsoever to Hyungwon because he couldn’t stand the guy. At all. The only opinion that really mattered was his and Hoseok’s.   
  
“Just so you don’t waste your time. There’s no way he’ll be interested in someone who’s not able to satisfy him properly and you said you don’t get fucked. That’s a sad story, I’m sorry.” He grinned again and stood up spotting Hoseok from the corner of his eye. Hyungwon smiled, absolutely uncharacteristically for him considered how his blood began boiling at the sight of the other man. It was difficult to take when people were talking about things they had absolutely no information on. He grabbed the black-haired man’s arm and pulled him down such that he could speak into his ear.

“That solely depends on how many exceptions I am willing to make for him and the list seems to be rather long,” he whispered before letting go, remembering social conduct. “Bye.”   
  
The short man walked over to his leather jacket, throwing it over his shoulders and wearing a winning smile on his lips for no reason.    
  
“You’re going? Thank you,” Hoseok commented and rolled his eyes. The black-haired figure moved towards the artist slowly, before grabbing his chin and placing a kiss on the pierced lips and licking over them shortly. Hyungwon felt a rather sudden rush of blood to the head, hands tingling and lips parting slowly.   
  
“Thank you for the coffee, see you later.” The ex-boyfriend turned around and walked out using the time that Hoseok stood shaken with his mouth open. The sight was familiar. It was the same way that the artist looked whenever Hyungwon did something rather unusual or confusing for the other man.

“I thought he was your ex-boyfriend,” Hyungwon remarked finally, fingers still tingling with the way his heart pumped the blood all over his body. It was out of nowhere and it might have been unjustified but he really hated Hoseok’s ex-boyfriend and he also didn’t care about not having a proper reason.   
  
“Crazy bastard,” Hoseok whispered before throwing his head back, just like he did so often and groaning in the air. He faced Hyungwon after a couple of seconds, breathing harshly and trying to smile. “Mhm. He is. Here the drawings.” Hoseok closed the distance and sat down on the couch next to Hyungwon, handing him the envelope. The blue hair looked as beautiful as ever, framing the pale skin and eye-catching enough that Hyungwon didn’t bother to look down at the envelope. Instead he felt the need to cleanse and bring some order into the world, which had been rather dramatically disturbed by the uninvited guest. He grasped Hoseok’s chin and leaned in, kissing him properly before sitting down again and feeling much calmer than he had before. Hoseok seemed shaken again, eyes widened and staring at him.   
  
“What was that?” 

Hyungwon glanced up from the envelope and smiled shortly, calm spreading all the way to his fingertips.

“I had to bring order to the world.”   
  
“And what is that order, Hyungwon?” The other man’s fingers dug into the holes of the blue ripped jeans he was wearing. Hyungwon thought about that, closing his eyes for a few seconds and attempting to formulate the complex whirlwind of perceptions in the form of words.

“That you do not get kissed by people that make you unhappy. I didn’t like him.” Hyungwon took a deep breath, thinking further how to express himself. “I usually don’t dislike people but he was rude I think and just threw information about you at me that you might not have been comfortable with sharing. It was like he wanted to prove something to me and I don’t like people like that. He just kissed you for me to see.”   
  
Hoseok chuckled while massaging his temples furiously.    
  
“Well he did make me very happy, back then, three years ago. He just does what he wants. He probably wanted to annoy you, or rather me, because I didn’t give in to him after coming here from this one time I didn’t let you go home. It’s still funny how you concluded you had to kiss me.” A hand brushed back the blue-white hair and Hoseok closed his eyes shortly. Hyungwon struggled to focus as his eyes immediately followed the action.

_ But he doesn’t make him happy anymore. _

“I think it makes perfect sense. He kissed you because he wanted to prove something, or annoy us as you say. That’s not right. I kissed you because I wanted to as soon as I saw your face. I think that is more valid.” Hyungwon closed his eyes and exhaled. All those complex relationships were giving him a headache and reflecting on every action cost a lot of effort and resources. He already felt tired and he had only arrived a few minutes ago. Hoseok seemed to have rather complex relationships and Hyungwon just wished not all of them would kiss him. Preferably none of them.   
  
“I’m really good at surrounding myself with people who just do whatever the fuck they want.” Hoseok leaned his head against the backrest and closed his eyes.

It was sudden, a rather unpleasant sensation that spread in Hyungwon’s chest at the words, burning a little and forcing his fingers to curl up into fists. He gasped at the unexpectedness of it all. Breathless, he tried to backtrack, find the cause of his reaction, but Hoseok had done nothing but mutter a general sentence that could have applied to anyone.

_ Anyone. You too, Hyungwon. _

“Have I done something that you didn't want me to do?” he asked carefully, forcing his body to stop showing everything immediately and let him be calm and collected around the other man. At least once. Hoseok kept his eyes shut, only lips moving to form an answer.   
  
“No. I seem to like the fact that people just do whatever. Why would I keep them close otherwise, right? Doesn’t really make sense, does it? I must be someone who’s searching for it.” He sighed.

“Do you like that man?” Hyungwon asked instead of commenting. Hoseok sounded depreciating and it upset him, reminding him of the drawing he had lying on his desk, showing the artist’s expression as he had asked Hyungwon to leave, that night at the tattoo studio. “You sound sad. I can’t help feeling the same way.”    
  
Hoseok’s eyes opened and he turned his head to look at Hyungwon.   
  
“That man? You mean Changkyun? There’s still the memory of him making me happy, so it’s complicated. But I guess I’m not affected anymore,” he elaborated and removed his gaze a couple of times, staring at the ceiling instead. “Why would you feel sad only because I sound sad?”

_ People stare at the ceiling when they are uncomfortable with the topic they are talking about. _

“You don’t have to tell me if you don't want to. I’m sorry, I never really pay attention to what upsets people and what doesn’t. I’ll try to be more attentive when it comes to you,” Hyungwon said, trying to react accordingly and remove the sadness that hit him each time he glanced at Hoseok’s face.  
  
“That is exactly the reason I’m asking you why you are sad. Why are you sad, if it’s me who sounds like it?” The other brushed his hair back once again. Hyungwon held his breath and closed his eyes, trying to backtrack again. Recently he had so many complex questions about himself to answer and it ate away so much strength each time.

“It’s because I drew you. When you were sad. I recognize it now and I can tell what it is like. I see it and remember the drawing and…” Hyungwon trailed off, feeling uncomfortable and focused on an arbitrary drawing on Hoseok’s wall instead, avoiding eye contact and trying to distract himself.   
  
“It’s fine. Sorry, I guess I’m just in a bad mood. Thank you for worrying about me.” The other man lifted his arms over his head and placed it on his palms behind him. “Thank you for the drawing. I really, really liked it.” Hyungwon smiled, feeling strangely happy at the positive remark.

“I really loved yours too! Although it was rather melancholic. Were you the blue?” he asked and tried to go through his experience with people in a bad mood and what usually helped them to solve it or what they required to feel better. He spread his arms. “Want a hug?”   
  
Brown eyes met his as a small smile appeared on Hoseok’s face, the corners of his mouth curling up a little. It was mesmerizingly beautiful and Hyungwon couldn’t help but mirror it.   
  
“Mhm, I am the blue. How did you know? Are you trying to cheer me up, Won?” He chuckled a little, gaze sliding from Hyungwon’s face to his neck, hips and legs and back up.

_ Oh. _

“Is it not working?” Hyungwon asked, getting up on the couch and kneeling on it, arms still spread. “You drew the grey moon first and the blue only came later, slowly coloring it. It just fit with how you slowly intertwine yourself with me.”   
  
“That’s scary,” Hoseok commented before removing the arms behind his head, stretching them out and closing his eyes. Hyungwon waited for a few seconds, trying to understand how he was supposed to hug him, before he simply crawled on the other’s lap and curled his arms around his neck, leaning his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes too.

_ There it is. The calm. _

“Why is it scary?” he whispered, adjusting his voice to the close proximity of their bodies. Hoseok curled both arms around his thin waist and sucked in a breath.   
  
“Well, it doesn’t feel scary right now, but it is scary when I think about it. No idea what to expect.” The low voice vibrated against the skin of his neck. “When you have drawn everything you wanted.”

_ He had the same thought, Hyungwon. Just in opposite directions. You worry that it might not end and he worries about when it ends. _

“Hoseok, when someone feels sad in one situation and then sad in another, is it the same kind of sadness?” Hyungwon asked instead of answering the question. He needed to know.   
  
“Hm, it has a lot of facettes, sadness. It depends on a lot of different things, doesn’t it? Whether you can do something about it, or whether you were the one who caused it, or if it’s sadness because of the realization that that’s what you wanted. Either way, I think it depends on the situation,” the other elaborated before burying his nose in Hyungwon’s neck again.

The complexity was just as he had expected, incomprehensible and reaching over so many aspects that others had senses for, leaving him unable to see through it. It was frustrating.

“I don't know, Hoseok. What you are telling me is rather knew to me. What I am wondering about is what if there will never be an end in drawing you? What if everything is just so complex that I am drowning in it? But at the same time unwilling to get out of the water.” The arms tightened around his body at the words, muscle tension the only reaction.    
  
“Everything has an end. Why would you want to drown?” Hoseok whispered. Hyungwon exhaled slowly, letting his fingers run through the beautiful hair he loved so much, senses immediately on overdrive from the way he could perceive the other man. It was overwhelming each time and never changed in intensity. Hyungwon had drawn the artist so many times already and still nothing had changed in the way he reacted to him. It wasn’t something that could end.

_ Because he returns what is missing and makes you complete, Hyungwon. _

“Because you set me free.”

  
  


***

 

Changkyun was being himself all the way, coming to his studio although Hoseok had told him to stay away, making Hyungwon hate him and kissing Hoseok in front of the other man.    
  
_ Seems totally like something Changkyun would do. _ __  
__  
He had wanted to give Kyungsoo the drawings because of Changkyun’s sudden visit and his own inability to throw him out to go to the company. He also wasn’t sure how Hyungwon had felt after losing control two times which resulted in him walking out without saying bye. It must’ve been bad and he really didn’t want to appear in front of the other man’s eyes all the time, getting him out of concept and disturbing his favourite routine. But then Hyungwon had come himself, sat down on his couch and watched Changkyun kiss him.    
  
__ You totally appear like the perfect person to trust, Hoseok. 

He wanted the trust. It somehow gave him the feeling of being special that he loved so much. His mood was down but they talked about a lot of things, for example the fact that he was scared. Scared of the fact that even the black-haired man next to him had realized Hoseok’s infatuation, drawing it, but not talking about it.    
  
_ You intertwine yourself with him, but there will be the point at which he would finish drawing you. What are you going to do then? _ __  
__  
He had no idea and it was scary, but the warm body over his lap calmed down his anxiety, arms curling around his neck and warm lips whispering against his skin. He smelled so familiar, like something Hoseok had missed for a long time. Hyungwon was afraid of not being able to stop. The opposite, he wanted to drown in it.    
  
_ Why would he want it? _ __  
__  
“Because you set me free.”   
  
Seconds passed without any movement or word, just his soft exhales blowing air against the skin of the other man’s neck, repeating over and over again, until the pattern changed and Hoseok stopped breathing suddenly. Thoughts battled each other and his heart beat hammered against his chest. It was just an answer, something Hyungwon said to explain a wish, it wasn’t a confession but it felt like one. Hoseok’s lungs clenched and he used the last bit of air that was inside them.    
  
“Kiss me.”

The other man lifted his head from Hoseok’s shoulder and took his face in both of his palms before closing the distance, pressing his lips to Hoseok’s and closing his eyes. The way the tension left the body on his lap was like a visual confirmation of Hyungwon’s words, lips parting easily and facial expressions transforming from neutrality into bliss. It felt like receiving something incredibly precious, something no-one else had. The intensity never faded, no matter how many times they were close and the way Hyungwon’s lips felt against him reminded him of the one time three years ago. __  
  
__ And that’s the difference between him and Changkyun.    
  
He pressed the other man closer, curling his arms tighter around the waist, licking into his mouth and throwing his head back for Hyungwon to have better access, rough gasps leaving his lips at the incredible tension spiking up in every cell of his body. The other man acted immediately, attaching his lips to Hoseok’s neck and sucking along the line of his jugular, biting into the transition between shoulder and neck.

“I feel bitter about something,” Hyungwon murmured suddenly as he sucked on Hoseok’s collarbone.   
  
“Tell me.” Hoseok suppressed the moan successfully as the other continued his treatment of his collarbones and bit down on the sensitive spot on his neck suddenly before soothing it with his tongue.

“That man said I would never be able to satisfy you.”   
  
_ Changkyun that asshole.  _ __  
__  
“The one from before?” Hoseok waited until the other nodded shortly. “Why did he say that? Did you talk about sex? You met for two minutes or something.” He couldn't believe they were having those kind of conversations. It must’ve been Changkyun’s way to pay him back for the rejection an hour ago. Hyungwon paused kissing his neck, probably preparing for a longer answer as he licked over his lips and stared somewhere above Hoseok’s right eye.

“He said that you tend to like people when you tell them to fuck off. That you only like them if you fuck them and then tell them to fuck off and that I cannot satisfy you if you don’t fuck me. Oh, and that it’s a sad story,” the other man elaborated with a perfectly neutral face, licking over his lips again. Hoseok wanted to jump up to run after Changkyun to choke him. On the one hand it was fucking ridiculous, on the other it was Hyungwon, and he was bitter about it so Hoseok had to explain.    
  
“Well, I do tell people to go away if I’m too infatuated, or angry, or well other reasons. You must’ve told him that we didn’t have sex so he felt superior. Don’t mind him. He just wanted to take revenge on me, it’s a thing.” He did have sex with Changkyun, and Hyungwon must’ve told him that they weren't intimate like that yet.

Hyungwon hummed and placed another soft kiss to Hoseok’s jugular, letting his right hand stroke over his head.

“He seems like a bad person.”    
  
Changkyun wasn’t a bad person. It was just the way they had interacted and it stayed, only that Hoseok had changed over the time.

He needed to switch the topic.  
  
“Fact is, you’re driving me nuts. Ah, the things you told me while I had your dick in my mouth, those were the things I wasn’t supposed to listen to, right?” He grinned, remembering the way his whole body tensed at the words, dick twitching in his pants and mind going places.

Hyungwon’s whole body froze, staring right at him instead of an undefined point and not moving an inch, eyes widening with each passing second.    
  
_ You freaked him out, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“Sorry, I just wanted to make sure.” Hoseok kissed up the other man’s neck, licking over the earlobe and shifting his hips. Hyungwon remained in place, but lifted his hands to put them on Hoseok’s shoulders.

“Yes,” he simply whispered before squeezing his eyes shut and breathing out slowly. He seemed uncomfortable and Hoseok took a hand from his shoulder and put it into his hair, lips placing soft kisses over Hyungwon’s jaw and lips. The other man opened his eyes, a bright smile appearing on his lips and he intertwined his fingers with the strands.

“You’re sweet.”   
  
_ Sweet? _ __  
__  
“Uhm, you just looked uncomfortable. Sorry for asking.” His hands roamed over the lean back and he closed the eyes, to feel more through his fingertips. The other man shifted on his lap, thighs rubbing over Hoseok’s jeans and fingers pulling lightly at his hair.

“Thank you for acting on that. That’s why you are sweet. You know how to calm me down. Thank you,” Hyungwon’s low voice breathed close to his ear before he licked a stripe from his shoulder to his neck. “But you wanted to show me pictures.” Hoseok’s hips shifted almost automatically.   
  
_ Right. Pictures. _ __  
__  
“Yes, they’re in the envelope. You can look at them later.” He removed the hands and placed them on the couch next to his thighs. “You have to go right?” He smiled, although he didn’t feel like it. He felt like keeping Hyungwon on his lap forever. The other man appeared a little confused, glancing at a clock on the far side of the wall and then at the envelope before returning his gaze to Hoseok’s face, unclear where exactly.

“Are you throwing me out?”   
  
_ What? _ __  
__  
“Are you crazy? You told me about the pictures while I was melting into a fucking puddle so I assumed you wanted to go. You also said you’re overwhelmed by too much proximity, so I thought…” He paused.   
  
__ You sound like a kid, Hoseok. Why can’t you just tell him that you don’t want him to go.

Hyungwon glanced at the envelope before turning back to Hoseok and embracing him, head resting on the muscular shoulder.

“I just remembered them. After all that’s why you called someone here, so I thought you wanted me to see them. You were melting into a puddle? What do you mean?” he whispered as the longer fingers massaged over his head repeatedly, playing with the strands before resuming their path over his scalp. It felt so incredibly good. Hoseok leaned in a little for the fingers to continue.    
  
“I called someone because I didn’t want to freak you out. I was melting because the way you are sitting on my lap and being beautiful and your hands, yeah, I kind of lost it.” Hoseok smiled at his attempts to explain something while all he wanted to do was moan at the contact. Hyungwon lifted his head from his shoulder and tilted it to the side, still appearing a little confused before he took his free hand and let his index finger run over Hoseok’s chest downwards before it stopped right above his crotch. The other was still massaging his scalp without a break, licking over his lips. The multitasking was no joke.

“Are you saying you desire pleasure?”

_ That dummy. _

“You. I'm desiring you.” Hoseok made the point clear by catching the other man's gaze and not letting go. 

“But what do you want to do with me once you have me?” Hyungwon whispered, holding the gaze but voice impossibly quiet, as if he was caught off guard and didn’t know what Hoseok was trying to tell him, attempting to understand nevertheless.   


“I can't have you, that's the whole point of desire. I want all of it.” He lifted his index finger and brushed some of the black strands behind the small ear, sliding along the cheek, over the nose and down to the red lips, parting them slightly before letting go. Hyungwon gasped at the action, lips remaining parted and eyes wide. The other looked overwhelmed, long fingers gripping his hair tighter than they had before.

“But every desire can be quenched eventually. Why not yours?” Hyungwon swallowed, biting down on his lip and glancing away before focusing on Hoseok’s eyes, as if he had collected courage before answering. “I told you that I am willing to give you everything.”   


“Why can't my desire be quenched? I don't know, why can't you stop drawing me, Hyungwon?” Hoseok smiled and tilted his head a little. Hyungwon inhaled, eyes closing for a few seconds before responding.

“Because I draw to deal with what I feel when I see you, but just because I draw that doesn’t change the emotions. Unless the emotions change I won’t be able to stop drawing, unloading the complexity onto paper to grasp it. I have drawn so much already and still the intensity hasn’t changed, so I can’t stop.” _  
_

“You can. If you won't see me you won't feel the need to draw. I wished my desires were that simple, it would just need a ‘go away’ for that.” Damn, that sounded bitter again, but Hoseok just didn't understand the other man's wishes. Hyungwon sighed and a smile spread his lips, but it didn’t look right, as if it was practised but didn’t achieve its goal.

“I’m fucking miserable when you’re gone. I hated everyone today, that’s why I came myself, to see you.”

_ Why do half of his words sound like a confession and the other half like he's reading out of a school book? _

“It's not fair. Every time I'm with you, I end up wanting you more. You give me the feeling that I'm somehow special, but I'm not sure if it's real,” Hoseok whispered, overwhelmed by the onslaught of emotions. The other man frowned at him as if he had said something insulting and ridiculous. 

“Of course you are special. Isn't that obvious?”   
  
_ You’re special, but so are things. Don’t kid yourself.  _ __  
__  
“Mhm, it is, but you said you don’t like me, so I must be similar to an object you’re attached to right? Something you need to feel comfort.” Hoseok exhaled sharply, hating himself for starting those conversations all the time although Hyungwon’s answers were always similar. He needed Hoseok to draw emotions. The end. 

“Screw it, it’s fine. You sure you don’t want coffee?” He buried his nose in the crook of the warm neck. The scent was overwhelming and calming at the same time. His hands tightened around the waist and he felt goosebumps tingle along his arms and legs.    
  
_ You’re hooked, Hoseok. Congratulations.  _

Hyungwon tensed at his words before the flexed muscles relaxed again as soon as Hoseok’s breath hit his neck. The reaction seemed so arbitrary except for the calm that fell over Hyungwon whenever he touched his hair. 

“I don't want coffee. I want you, but you keep confusing me,” he breathed out, hand stroking over Hoseok’s hair in a calming motion, beginning at the top and sliding down to the neck before resuming the motion again. It was so intense again, touch like a brushstroke, painting his body in the feeling of burning lava, letting him suck in oxygen and exhale sharply.    
  
“You got me, Hyungwon. I think I really like you,” Hoseok whispered while closing his eyes and hoping it wouldn’t create more misunderstandings. It was the truth. He had started liking the other man and it was obvious. 

Hyungwon appeared curious, grabbing Hoseok’s face in his flat palm and staring at him intently, eyes not leaving him. 

“What does that mean for you, Hoseok? What does it feel like? I want to understand and I know that you can make me,” the plump lips whispered against his.   
  
_ Yeah, tell him, Hoseok.  _ __  
__  
“Oh well the usual. I want to attach myself to you, have seizures because you are so handsome and ridiculously hot and miss you when you’re gone. Ah and I’m hurt for no reason if I have the feeling that I’m like an object for you.” It was embarrassing as fuck, but Hoseok elaborated as well as he could, putting more sarcasm in it than intended. “Understood?” 

Hyungwon appeared to be genuinely thinking about it, eyes sliding over Hoseok’s facial features and thighs tightening a little. 

“Well, I also attach myself to you, otherwise I wouldn't be sitting on your lap.” He glanced down at their lower bodies before returning his gaze to Hoseok. “I can't really relate to the seizure because that sounds very pathological and worrisome. Concerning missing...I do that I think.” Hyungwon seemed insecure about his answers, stroking over Hoseok’s face with his thumb as if to calm himself, blinking a little more frequently than before. 

“You think? Well, I might just be an inspiration for you. Which is already better than nothing. ” The talk was emotionally loaded, but the way Hyungwon’s body rubbed over his lap with every movement drove Hoseok absolutely mad. 

“This is difficult for me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon murmured and sighed, letting his right hand slide into the blue strands inconspicuously, but it was hard to miss. “I usually don't care, but I hated my routine today. Damn, I even hated it a little yesterday, going home and wanting to see you although that had been only a few minutes ago. And it was past midnight, so I had to go home. But I wanted to be with you which makes no sense because it was midnight.” The other man groaned and threw his head against Hoseok’s shoulder, just breathing and pulling at the hair between his long fingers. 

_ You're already hard and you'll lose your shit if he pulls it again. Holy fuck.  _

“I can't help but be a little happy at your suffering. Because that means I'm not the only one.” Hoseok grinned and raked his fingers through the black hair, sliding down to the warm skin of the neck and up to the ear, tracing the form. Hyungwon lifted his head and grinned.

“But I remember you saying that you aren't sadistic.” The other man pulled again and sighed, shifting and closing his eyes. Only the way his index finger curled around a strand remaining in motion, sliding along Hoseok’s scalp.

“Want to see me lose control?” Hoseok smirked, trying to suppress the onslaught of lust at the hair pulling. The tension was unbearable and he kept wanting more. “I'm not a sadist, I just don't want to suffer alone. It sucks, believe me.” Hyungwon's gaze changed, eyes widening slightly and lips parting at the sight of Hoseok’s face. 

“But now it's pleasure, isn't it?” Hyungwon whispered.

“Yeah, just keep pulling my hair like that and I'll fuck you up just as badly,” he groaned, hips shifting to find a more comfortable angle. The other man looked around the room quickly before returning his gaze and biting his lower lip.

“Okay, but not here. I don't want to condition myself.” 

_ Does he want to get fucked up? But somewhere else?  _

‘“Want to come to my place? It's five minutes from here.” Hoseok smirked. “If that's what you meant.” The grin spread wider. “And if not it all was just a joke, ha ha.” 

Hyungwon frowned a little, eyebrows pulling together in a sign of confusion. 

“Is it a joke now or not? Are you inviting me to your place?” he asked and leaned back, putting enough space between them to see each other’s faces fully. 

_ You'll talk until one of you dies.  _

“Let's go.” Hoseok stood up not caring about Hyungwon still sitting on his lap, lifting him up and letting him slide down until his feet touched the ground. 

Shit, it was hot. 

Grabbing his jacket and backpack he went to the door waiting for the other to follow. Hyungwon was caught off guard, just standing in the middle of the room until his eyes fixed on his backpack on the side and he grabbed it. He stopped again, as if he had to think further and eyes jumping from one spot to the next until he grabbed the envelope with Hoseok’s drawings, packing it up and finally following him.    


They didn't say much while walking to his apartment. Hoseok just listened to the way their steps sounded different and not in unison, just like everything else. 

After he opened the door he remembered that his walls were full of Kandinsky paintings. It was all over the place, some of his own drawings gracing the empty spots, not following any kind of concept or order that Hyungwon liked so much. 

_ At least he might like your minimalistic furniture.  _

The apartment was quite spacious but the amount of furniture was limited, just like things. Hoseok wasn't attached to things, there were no personal belongings lying around, or accessories people normally put on surfaces. There was a big beige leather couch in the living room, a light blue glass table and a couple of dark blue drawers. His bedroom consisted of a black king size bed with two small drawers and a white wardrobe. That was it. 

His closet was filled with shit loads of black clothing, hanging next to each other and his drawers were half empty. Just the walls, they were full of art.   


“Come in,” Hoseok said, feeling strangely intimate which was understandable considering the fact that the last person visiting him was Shownu and he didn't feel the need to defend his choices of art and interior design. 

Hyungwon looked around slowly, eyes hushing over the furniture before focusing on the art, a small smile appearing on his lips. 

He immediately walked over to the wall without a word, eyes jumping from one aspect of the painting to the next. A minute or two passed before he moved on to the next one, examining the lines and lips parting. When the other man had taken a detailed look at every artwork in his living room he finally turned to Hoseok. 

“If you like the colour blue,” he began and lifted his arm in a broad gesture to signify the furniture in the room. “Then why is this beige?” Hyungwon’s index finger pointed out the couch, mouth pulling into a straight line and looking uncomfortable. 

_ Here you go. _

“Because it completes the blue. It makes it stand out more, like waves on a sandy beach. Like my hair.” Hoseok smiled and put his stuff in the corner of the hallway. Hyungwon's eyes widened dramatically and he gasped, staring at the couch before jumping to each different piece of furniture. 

“Oh my god,” he whispered and placed his hand over his mouth. “You're right.” 

He fought the prominent wish to hug the other man, to lift him up and kiss him senseless for the way he perceived things. It was so different, Hoseok loved it. 

_ Every little thing.  _

“Want something to drink?” he asked instead, walking over to the blue cupboard with a small fridge inside, opening it and looking over the selection of gin and tonic. 

“No, thank you. I'd rather like to know why you placed Kandinsky’s circles next to that drawing of yours. I cannot find anything in common, neither in circular form, nor in the object depicted. Is it an emotional relation that I cannot comprehend?” Hyungwon commented and remained standing next to the artwork he mentioned, staring at them intently, like he kept looking for a pattern. 

“Give up. You won't find the order you're looking for. Not with me.” The full meaning of his own words hit his consciousness and he stared at Hyungwon, dread spreading over his body. 

_ Are you scared that he will leave? You were chaos from the start. He should've realized by now.  _

Hyungwon turned around, swallowing and closing his eyes for a few seconds before he walked over to Hoseok, stopping in front of him. He didn't seem very focused. 

“Can I touch your hair?”   


_ Why is he even asking? _

“You can touch everything you want, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered, gaze sliding over the beautiful face. The other man looked even more ethereal in the golden light of his designer lamp. Hyungwon began slowly, reaching out towards his face and letting his thumb brush along the skin under his right eye, before sinking down and cupping his cheek. 

The other man sighed and spread out his fingers letting them run upwards from Hoseok’s neck, sinking into the stands and releasing a shaky breath as if pressure was taken from him. The beautifully large eyes closed and Hyungwon inhaled through his nose, pink tongue sliding over the lips before calm and neutrality returned, eyes opening and hand leaving his hair. 

“I love your drawings.”

_ Fuck.  _

It felt like jumping into a volcano. His whole body was on fire, reminding him that he was in proximity of the person he wanted to touch so badly. 

“Do you know how jumping dick first into a volcano feels like?” Hoseok forced himself to open his eyes that he had kept shut for a couple of seconds. “Like this.” He smiled. “Oh and then dick first into ice cold water, because you're really good at cracking me and giving me an ice bucket challenge right after.”

_ You will die like this, Hoseok.  _

Hyungwon just looked at him, calm and collected as usual before leaning in and placing a soft kiss against Hoseok’s lips, bodies remaining separated and only mouths touching for a few seconds. The other man smiled back softly, licking over his lips as if to catch the taste that Hoseok had left behind on the plump surface. 

“I don't know, but I'm sure that you can show me.”

_ Enough is enough.  _

Hoseok grabbed the other man's face with his hands, clashing his lips onto the plump ones, licking over them and nibbling on the lower one, panting inside Hyungwon’s mouth, feeling of reality slowly gliding away from under his fingertips. 

He pressed the black-haired into the wall using his hips. The other hesitated for a few seconds before placing his cool palms on top of Hoseok’s and pushing their lower bodies together, eyes closing. Hoseok moaned, fuck, his senses were all over the place. It felt as if Hyungwon was teasing him for days already. 

“You fuck me up so badly,” he groaned against the lips, losing the grip and sliding one palm down the other man's body, the other going right into the black hair. Hyungwon smiled into the kiss, sucking on Hoseok’s lower lip before letting go, but pushing the hips even further into him. 

“Then fuck me up in return. So that it's fair as you like,” the sinful mouth breathed against his lips. 

_ He asked you to fuck him up, what are you even doing? _

Hoseok lifted the seam of Hyungwon’s shirt, roaming over the naked abs with his fingers, before removing the piece of clothing with the other man's help. The way Hyungwon stood, pressed against the wall, half naked, he could've been a fucking painting, golden skin graced with black ink, spreading over arm and shoulder, round tattoo on his chest. He stepped back.

_ One should enjoy art from a certain distance, Hoseok.  _

Hyungwon appeared unsure, lips parting and eyes widening a little. The fingers of his right hand walked up from his wrist to his left upper arm, playing his game of finger pressure. 

“Have you changed your mind?” he asked carefully. Only on the second look it was obvious that the arm was meant to shield, to let Hoseok see less. 

“As if I'm able to.” Hoseok chuckled and got rid of his shirt in a matter of seconds, closing the distance and standing in front of the other man in jeans only. “You look like a work of art, so I wanted to enjoy.” His low voice cut the silence, only harsh breaths audible in the big room. Again the other man smiled, widely and brightly, fingers leaving his upper arm. 

“You don't only look like a work of art. You are a work of art,” Hyungwon whispered and curled his arms around his neck, gasping at the sudden skin contact. Hoseok exhaled sharply leaning in closer, chest pressed against the other man, enjoying the burning trails the hot skin left while in contact with his own. The beautiful hands of the other man roamed over his back, lips unwilling to part and one leg circling Hoseok’s hips, each pant caught by his mouth but not comparable to how the other man acted when he let go. 

The wall was nice but Hoseok wanted to feel everything, preferably not while standing or propping himself up somewhere. He circled his fingers around Hyungwon’s thighs and lifted him up. The other man yelped in shock and buried his nails in Hoseok’s back painfully. 

“What the fuck?” Hyungwon muttered, eyes wide and holding on for dear life although it wasn't necessary.

“Shh, I won't do anything bad to you. You didn't want to walk last time.” Hoseok gripped the body tighter, ignoring the nail marks and moved away from the wall, going towards his bedroom. Hyungwon just remained frozen, nails buried in Hoseok’s back and stared at their surroundings quickly, as if he struggled to know where he was. 

“We're in my bedroom.” Hoseok paused shortly before turning towards the hallway. “You can leave through this door here. If you feel like it.” Hyungwon released his nails from his back a little, but kept the grip tight, eyes still jumping from one spot to the next. 

“No, no-” He paused and took a deep breath. “I’m fine, just- I haven't been to your bedroom before so my brain kinda went into panic mode. Just give me a second. Tell me about it maybe?” Hyungwon glanced at Hoseok shortly before tightening his legs around his hips, not letting him carry all the weight anymore. 

Hoseok walked over to the bed and crawled on top of it, holding Hyungwon under him until he let him go and leaned in impossibly close.

“You can just look at my face. You know it right?” Shaking his head he put some more hair strands over his forehead. “Better?” Hyungwon smiled shortly before sighing. 

“The problem is that if I don't know my surroundings and let go, then I will completely lose myself,” he explained but stroked Hoseok’s hair anyway, eyes worried. “The point of orientation needs to be there.”

_ Hi, ice bucket challenge.  _

“Fine. What do you need?” Hoseok leaned back and sat down on the bed crossing his legs in a lotus position. Damn those CIRCLE jeans were of amazing quality, but Hyungwon didn't need to know. 

The other man just took a careful look around the bedroom, like he was breathing in all the details. As soon as he appeared satisfied the eyes closed and Hyungwon gestured to the side, pointing at the pieces of furniture and the door once while his eyes remained shut. Taking another deep breath he finally opened them and turned to him. 

“Okay, I'm fine now,” Hyungwon whispered and crawled towards Hoseok, placing his palms on his thighs and suddenly bit into the firm pec muscle, out of nowhere, tongue licking over it.

_ Ouch. _

That was absolutely random. Hoseok surely didn't exaggerate with the volcano thing. 

“You're chaos,” he whispered with a grin and curled his arms around Hyungwon’s shoulders, pulling him closer. The other licked over his chest and finally over his lips, shaking his head furiously. 

“Everything is according to clear rules for me,” Hyungwon began, placing a kiss on his lips before continuing. “You're the one who is arbitrary, difficult to comprehend but I'm still trying.” The cool palm slid over his shoulders and chest, exploring Hoseok’s body slowly before the long index finger dipped into the waistband. “I want to make you delirious because of pleasure.” 

“Your rules are random. I don't understand them, but I love it. I want you,” Hoseok murmured, feeling like he had to remark the fact that the rules were only for Hyungwon, which made it basically random. “Didn't you want to get fucked up by me? Or did you change your mind?” Hoseok smirked for effect.

Hyungwon frowned at him, visibly dissatisfied with something. 

“They aren't random. They are perfectly rationally justified with clear reasoning,” he muttered, taking his index finger away from Hoseok’s waistband and sitting down in front of him, mirroring Hoseok’s stance. “I'm still up for you fucking me up, but I also want to make you feel good. I like how expressive you are.” The first and the second comment were absolutely different. Saying the first Hyungwon looked like he was angry, but during the second the gaze changed to something more sexual, teeth sinking into the plump bottom lip. 

_ You signed up for this, Hoseok.  _

“It is random if nobody else understands, but maybe I can someday. I'll try. I think I'll also have a meltdown soon, I swear.” He threw his head back, trying to understand why he got sucked in so easily, why he started liking someone who made him hit his head against the wall because of frustration, why he sat half naked on his bed and discussed random rules with a ridiculously hot half naked man. 

_ You're losing your mind. That must be it.  _

“What are we doing?”

“I don't know Hoseok. Can't we just melt into each other and not think? It seems so much easier,” Hyungwon answered, words barely a whisper and eyes focusing on Hoseok’s, large brown orbs appearing overwhelmingly hopeful.

Something short circuited, maybe out of frustration and the unusual amount of misunderstanding and that tiring rollercoaster ride, emotions mixed into each other, not making any sense and letting his head burst from pressure. 

“You.” He looked back at Hyungwon, gaze intense and facial expressions serious. 

“Show me that you like me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're kinda sorry for the cliffhanger...but a chapter needs to end at some point.
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	11. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you want to- I can show you why I’m scared.”

Being around the man with that beautiful beach-colored hair was already overwhelming on its own, constant struggles appearing that required Hyungwon’s full attention and his non-existent abilities to solve them. He was trying, he really was, but Hoseok continuously said something that was difficult to comprehend, expressed an emotion on his face that Hyungwon wasn’t able to grasp yet, or simply showed emotional attachment towards him as a person that was much more meaningful than Hyungwon had been willing to process.

_Hoseok likes you. You like him too, don't you? It fits. Everything he says seems different but somehow it also applies._

But what did that mean for him? Would he have to change something? Abandon what he knew?

_You can't do that._

Hyungwon liked him, but he was afraid of change. He wanted things to stay painfully familiar, even if they ended up being boring for other people. Everything beyond what he knew made him uncomfortable.

That’s why he wasn’t quite sure himself how he had agreed to come to Hoseok’s apartment without several days preparation and pictures of the other man’s home. Once he walked through the door he was immediately reminded of why he made sure to give himself time instead of just waltzing into unfamiliar territory. Hoseok had a beige couch that stood out among the blue furniture like a sore thumb, catching the eye and giving him a headache. Until Hoseok explained.

_It’s just like the beach, like him._

The emotional jumps that he constantly lived through whenever he was around the other man were difficult to put into words. It was like a marionette in the theater, controlled with self control from above and with perfect awareness of the location of all limbs and all strings, but Hoseok just came around cutting one of the strings, letting control falter for a moment just to catch the limb and move it himself. He thereby evoked the impression that everything was calm and peaceful, but the connection to the limb had already been severed and couldn’t be returned. It kept happening and Hyungwon didn’t know when he would be resting on Hoseok’s hands alone, all threads ripped and unable to protect him from his own emotional reactions anymore.

The sudden surprises kept occuring. The lack of structure in the arrangement of the pictures, the unexpected desire for body contact that the other man felt and acted on, the wish to be close to Hoseok but also feeling scared because of the unfamiliar apartment. Everything kept raining down in alteration and Hyungwon felt like he was losing his senses, head hurting and resources reaching their limit.

_But you keep it in because you like him._

Even he could tell that Hoseok was struggling when Hyungwon had looked around the bedroom, after screaming because he couldn’t deal with the sudden action and unexpected location change. Fear kept spiking up, fear of losing himself in an unfamiliar environment.

_Why can’t you just be normal, Hyungwon? He’s suffering because of you and you aren't helping._

Hyungwon wanted to, he really did. He tried his best to return to the way Hoseok had been acting around him, biting his chest while being sexually fuelled and expressive as soon as he finished getting to know the bedroom, feeling secure enough to close his eyes and still know where he was. He needed that for his personal comfort and to not lose his senses as soon as he regained his self control.

_You want him to take it from you again, don't you?_

All his actions had been precautions. Making sure he knew the room, feeling comfortable on the bed, feeling secure around Hoseok and attempting to convince the other man of his intentions and the way he perceived, but it was so difficult. Hyungwon attempted to explain how all his regulations were perfectly reasonable, since every rule had clearly defined arguments that supported its rationality, but the expression that followed on Hoseok’s face wasn’t understanding. It was a potent mixture of hurt, disappointment and frustration.

_You don’t want him to feel that way because of you. Why aren’t you doing something about it?_

“What are we doing?” the other man asked, resting on the bed, eyes dark and appearing dissatisfied. He was unhappy and there was nothing Hyungwon could do.

The discomfort spread in his chest, memory of the artwork he had created returning, showing Hoseok with his hurt expression, fine lines drowning in sadness, almost like now. It was like a wake-up call, wish to abandon everything that kept the other man from feeling comfortable almost overwhelming. Hyungwon really liked him.

_It’s your words, Hyungwon. They never mean anything. They can never bring across what you feel._

“I don’t know, Hoseok. Can’t we just melt into each other and not think? It seems so much easier,” he whispered in reply, scared to break something with his voice, make it even worse than it already ended up being. He sat on the bed, knees resting on the mattress and palms flat next to them, staring up at Hoseok and begging for the other man to see what he wanted to achieve, to comprehend that he cared and didn’t want him to hurt and be upset.

“You.”

Hoseok’s face changed suddenly and completely, vulnerability disappearing to make room for a hard, dark gaze and serious facial features. Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether he had seen the expression before, but he wasn’t able to look away, remaining frozen in place and staring at the other man until he began speaking.

“Show me that you like me.”

_It is an order, Hyungwon. Do it._

Hyungwon took a deep breath, thoughts running wild and attempting to come up with a course of action that sufficiently expressed the way he felt about the other man. Words were never good enough and didn’t mean anything.

_That’s why he told you to show him._

Pleasure and emotional attachment appeared to be so closely linked for the other man, one only rarely appearing without the other.

_For you too, Hyungwon. Whenever you let go it is emotional but also sexual._

His heartbeat sped up, heart pumping furiously and forcing the blood to rush to his head, noise impossible loud but exciting. He was excited. Excited to show Hoseok how he felt without using words, but also a little scared.

_Express yourself the way you can. Make him feel._

He took a deep breath and moved towards the other man, closing the distance easily and pressing his palm flat against Hoseok’s chest to make him fall to the mattress, body impossibly close to his and making him shiver from the proximity alone. Hyungwon wanted him to be closer, a part of him. His fingers caressed the beautiful face, unable to look away. He brushed a few stray strands from the dark orbs, still keeping the eye contact.

_He needs to know that he's special._

Unable to resist Hyungwon sank his fingers into the hair, hissing at the bliss that flowed from his fingertips to his chest and biting his lip, overwhelmed by the calm and excitement he felt simultaneously. Inhaling the other man's scent he forced himself to not hold back, but enjoy Hoseok’s presence instead.

Hyungwon exhaled over the artist’s lips, leaning over him and stroking his hair repeatedly, eyes closing to feel more, to focus on the tactile perceptions, the way Hoseok made him feel and to make the other man feel in response. His whole body was burning and he hadn't even done anything yet.

_Kiss him. He’ll understand._

Hyungwon gasped and closed the distance, clashing their lips together, letting himself fall on the other man’s body, not bothering to hold himself up more than necessary and moaning into the kiss, chests pressing together and sending liquid electricity through his blood stream. Hoseok set him on fire and he had never wanted to burn more than he did at that exact moment.

The beautiful man under him curled the arms around his body, pressing him closer and gasping at the contact, breathing irregular and hitting his skin roughly.  Hoseok was responding and that was sufficient to make Hyungwon give even less shits. He let both of his hands grip the blue strands and turned them around, throwing himself on the mattress and pulling Hoseok on top of him, groaning at the body weight pressing him down. His fingers couldn’t remain still, constantly playing with the other man’s hair and pulling it, trying to get him closer but not reaching his goal. Unable to help himself he pushed his hips upwards, attempting to gift both of them with friction, moaning at the sensation.

Hoseok groaned, rolling the hips into him smoothly, biting his neck and whispering something incoherent next to his ear. Usually Hyungwon would have asked, but he couldn’t care less, unable to focus on anything except for the burning body on top of him and the way he wasn’t burning enough yet.

“Set me on fire,” he gasped, hands running all over Hoseok’s body and lips leaving hot kisses on the other man’s neck. He wanted to kiss everything, but it was impossible to reach it. Everything was spinning and burning and he wanted it to speed up so he wouldn’t have to realise the motion anymore, wouldn’t have to think. Let go completely.

_For him._

Warm hands unzipped his jeans and slid them down his legs, kissing every spot of the naked skin that was appearing under the fabric, leaving small marks and licking over the inside of his inner thighs. Hyungwon moaned, feeling like Hoseok was drawing on his skin with fire, imagining how each kiss was the flame of a candle that left a burning trail. His eyes were closed so he trusted his senses to find the way, following the path over the other man’s chest to his jeans, opening them blindly and whining a little so Hoseok would help him remove them.

The other man complied and got rid of all the clothing, leaving them both naked before crawling on top of him again. Hoseok leaned in and kissed his chest, lips sucking on a nipple harshly. The pleasure was seeping into every pore and taking up all the space in his head, touching Hoseok the only coherent desire he was capable of formulating.

Gasping at the ministrations he acted on it and held onto Hoseok’s shoulders as he licked over the other man’s lips and kissed down his neck, letting the beautiful and muscular human crawl a little further so that he was able to reach his chest. The piece of metal caught his attention and he sucked it into his mouth, playing with the barbel and pulling at it lightly, listening to the verbal reactions.

Hoseok moaned in a deep, low voice, curses mixed with mentions of Hyungwon’s name and how he was losing himself. The other man wasn’t aware of what losing control really meant.

_Because he can always return when he wants to._

Hoseok shifted on top of him and Hyungwon couldn’t help but moan, still playing with the nipple piercing and mentally begging for more friction. He wanted to touch Hoseok or be touched.

“I want to suck you off,” he breathed out, moaning against the other man’s chest almost immediately and hands burying themselves deeper into the muscular shoulders from the constant friction.

Hoseok rolled his hips into him again, groaning at the contact and licked a stripe up his neck, stopping at the ear lobe.

“I want to do so many things, you can't even imagine,” Hoseok gasped and exhaled sharply. The intensity with which Hyungwon desired the man on top of him was almost scary, hands shaking at the wish to feel more, to touch more and to make the other man feel good. He tried to lift his thigh, adding friction for Hoseok and making him feel even better. It was becoming difficult to breathe, heat rising to his head and heart pumping under the skin of his cheeks.

“You make me feel free,” Hyungwon murmured, aware of how little his surroundings mattered and how much he was focused on Hoseok and the way he made him feel. The perceptions were fine-tuned, as if his body only wanted to perceive the other man’s touch and nothing else, detailed perception fading into a hot buzzing in his ears. “I want you so much. You make everything else fade.”

The low moans were getting more harsh, breathing seemingly difficult for Hoseok as he crawled down between his legs. Hyungwon spread them in reply.

_You will completely lose yourself, Hyungwon._

“Make me lose control, Hoseok. I want you to,” he moaned and closed his eyes for a few seconds, adrenaline adding to the excitement and the heat that was coursing through him, blurring everything except for the man his eyes focused on almost automatically when they opened, breathing harsh and pupils blown.

Brown eyes stared up from beneath the blue bangs framing Hoseok’s forehead as the plump, rosy lips parted and a pink tongue licked over his tip slowly, digging into the slit. Hyungwon threw his underarm over his mouth and groaned, forcing himself to remain in place and not squish Hoseok with his thighs, but it was hard, legs visibly shivering at the strain and mouth remaining open, gasps leaving nonstop. He wanted him, he wanted him so much it was hard to take.

Almost painful.

The other man licked his lips repeatedly before sliding Hyungwon’s erection over them, parting them slightly and letting go again, breathing against the tip and twirling his tongue around it. It was impossible to keep himself in place so Hyungwon gave up, tightening his thighs around Hoseok’s head and moaning loudly as he threw his head back.  
  
“Oh my god, Hoseok,” he simply muttered as he tried to form a coherent thought that did not involve the other man’s beautiful lips, but he wasn’t able to, hands reaching for the blue hair and grasping it tightly, conflicted between pushing him closer and pulling him off to breathe. The decision had already been made as Hoseok took him in his mouth almost completely, humming over the erection, vibrations spreading all over his body, the other man's nails drawing fine patterns on his thighs. The sensations were enough to change his reaction, legs spreading wide instead of squeezing together, mouth remaining open and head thrown back, murmuring for Hoseok to finally give it to him, drive him mad.

The red lips tightened around his dick, moving up and down with extreme precision, tongue playing with the tip and the transition, applying pressure and stimulating the shaft before Hoseok decided it was enough and deepthroated him, groaning with his low voice to make the vibrations even more effective. Hyungwon couldn’t help the scream that left his lips, forgetting how to breathe and gasping for air, pulling at Hoseok’s hair to stop and give him sweet release later. He didn't want to come yet. It would have been over and he didn’t want to think.

Not yet.

The other released him and stared up under his blue bangs again, gaze intense and pupils blown, tongue licking over the blood red mouth, metal bud appearing and disappearing between the parted lips. Hyungwon couldn’t resist, not having enough control to do so and just grabbed the other man’s hair, pulling him roughly towards himself for a kiss, sucking the tongue piercing into his mouth and unable to suppress the moans that left him.

“I want to show you how much I like you. I don’t know if I was able to do that yet,” Hyungwon gasped between rough kisses, pulling Hoseok further onto him and letting his palm wander over the naked back and ass before returning to the waist.

“I want you. You're driving me insane,” Hoseok moaned, trying to breathe between their kisses, panting hard and slightly shivering at every contact. Hyungwon smiled at the words, body still feeling the same inability to focus on anything but the other man, irrelevant details tuned into the background. He groaned at the way Hoseok sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and sat up, leaning on his left elbow.

“I feel the same. Let me sit on your lap.”

Hoseok lay down next to him, not letting go of his arms, as if afraid that he'd leave.

_As if you could leave right now._

Hyungwon grabbed the other man’s arms in response and climbed over his thighs, sitting down and letting his palms roam over the beautiful body below him. Hoseok was exactly the type of beautiful human Hyungwon found attractive, desires only fueled by the emotions the artist was capable of evoking in him in combination. It was like fireworks inside his body, sudden and like a burning spark, just that it didn’t fade but continued growing without a break. The hot thighs reminded Hyungwon of what he liked and enjoyed, too afraid to show or tell anybody because of his inability to control it. He gasped, closing his eyes and leaning back a little, biting down on his lower lip.

“If you knew how mesmerizing you look, sitting on my lap like this, holy fuck.” Hoseok’s eyes were unusually dark, lip piercing sucked into his mouth and hips shifting under Hyungwon’s body.

“If you knew how mesmerizing you look, lying under me like this and staring at me with your dark eyes. Makes me want to give you everything you want,” he replied, rolling his hips slowly while watching the other man’s facial expressions.

Hoseok moaned with his eyes opened, exhaling sharply and sucking in air. It looked so intense because the other didn't try to look away, he showed it all, in his expression and in his eyes. Hyungwon glanced away for a second, unable to take the eye contact before turning back and rolling his hips again, lips parting at the way it felt, thighs trembling and wishing to feel the other man.

_Shit, get a grip, Hyungwon._

“Oh my fucking god.” Hoseok thrust up instinctively, placing his hands around the slim hips. Hyungwon held his breath, eyes widening and trying to comprehend what he was doing.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

He ignored the thought and moved his hips again, loving the way Hoseok’s fingers dug into his hips and tried to push him closer and further on top of his erection. Shit.

The other man groaned, low voice sending shivers through his body, hands suddenly freezing on his hips and holding him in place.

“Hyungwon. Don't do this to me. I'm seriously losing my shit. I can't hold back if you're like this.” Hoseok’s gaze was intense, shaky exhale escaping through the parted lips. The panic began at his fingertips and slowly tried to make its way further up as Hyungwon forced himself to stare at the man below him and calm down. He didn’t move as requested and gasped instead, unable to catch his breath and impossibly turned on. Fuck. He had never let himself go like this.

_You want him, Hyungwon. Like that._

“Shit, I can’t fucking formulate a reasonable thought that goes beyond your dick, Hoseok,” he exclaimed, eyes closing and placing his palms on the other man’s abdominal muscles, air passing his lips irregularly.

“And I can't think about anything else apart of being inside of you. And the way you move, holy shit.” A hand brushed back the blue bangs and the brown eyes closed for a couple of seconds, tongue still sliding over the blood red lips.

_Oh no._

“I can’t do that, Hoseok,” Hyungwon muttered, voice suddenly impossibly quiet and words barely leaving his lips. The worry was hard to suppress, spreading through his blood stream and limbs, waiting for the right time to let the panic in. “But I like you, I really do.”

“You told me I shouldn't listen last time so I warned you. It's fine really.” Hoseok sat up, placing soft kisses against his lips and nose, arms curling around his waist and pressing him closer to the muscular chest. The other man was so tender, defeating his fear almost immediately. Hyungwon wanted to be honest, tell him everything, explain himself.

_Don’t you dare hurt him._

“I want you to fuck me so bad but at the same time there is the panic crawling up my fingertips and I can’t fucking breathe.”

Hoseok gasped at the words before his arms tightened more and he leaned his forehead against Hyungwon’s tattooed chest.

“I want you to feel safe. I will make you feel safe, it's fine, I'm going crazy just by hugging you like this.” A hand raked through his hair, fingers stroking his head and nape, tracing his shoulder and neck. The warmth in his chest was immediate, spreading out and returning the air to his lungs, intertwining with the pleasant scent of the man in his arms and his desire to do something for him. Repay him for everything he kept doing for him and the understanding he showed.

_Show him why, Hyungwon._

“If you want to-” He cut off, sliding his hands into Hoseok’s hair to get himself to calm down again. “I can show you why I’m scared.”

“Show me,” Hoseok breathed against his neck, leaning into the touch.

Hyungwon took a deep breath, thoughts returning to his head, memories of himself, the way he reacted and the way he felt. Memories of how he had felt and lost control each time, how perceptions were burning a hole through his consciousness and taking away his ability to react coherently, to perceive his surroundings and to consciously decide for his own actions.

He would be showing Hoseok his weakness. The one thing he had never told anyone about or shown to anyone, excusing himself with a non existent preference he had acted out in opposition to his own wishes, hating himself when he lost control.

But why was he making an exception for Hoseok, showing him his weakness?

_Because you like him, Hyungwon._

 

***

 

Hoseok was a rather perceptive person when it came to sexual contact. He enjoyed being touched and he also loved pleasing his partner. The whole palette of reactions made the sensations so much more enjoyable. Somehow it was like a drawing. If the outlines were black and white it gave a defined picture but if you coloured it, it became so much more intense.

Hyungwon ripped down whatever painting had been there before and covered his perceptions with colours he hadn't seen before, showing him an intensity that was absolutely hard to describe. The other man was screaming at the contact while throwing his head back and climbing over his lap. The way Hyungwon moved was mesmerizing, naked skin covering his lower body, burning and sliding over his thighs smoothly, coming closer to where Hoseok wanted him so badly. It took away his coherency and sense of reality, leaving a burning wish to be inside the gorgeous man who looked down at him, pupils blown and harsh moans leaving his red lips.

_He told you not to listen when he loses control._

Yes, but he also didn't say anything. Hoseok buried his fingers into Hyungwon’s hips, forcing him to stop and to look at his face, telling the beautiful black-haired that he had trouble holding back. A lot.

“I can't do that, Hoseok.” The other looked so vulnerable, words almost a whisper and Hoseok felt as if he did something wrong.

_Well, you didn't, yet._

It was fine with him, it really was. He hugged Hyungwon, breathing in the addicting scent and curling his arms tighter around the beautiful body.

_Good that you warned him before just going crazy._

“I want you to fuck me so bad but at the same time there is the panic crawling up my fingertips and I can’t fucking breathe.” Hyungwon’s words ripped into his consciousness, muscles tensing but relaxing again as he felt an immediate wish to calm the other man down, to take the fear away. Not because he wanted to feel him, but just because the other was scared.

_You want to make him feel safe. You don't want him to be scared when he's with you._

“If you want to, I can show you why I’m scared.” Long fingers raked through his hair, a sign that Hyungwon was nervous.

“Show me,” Hoseok whispered, enjoying the touch and the way their bodies were intertwined, leaving no space for anything else. “You don't need to be scared when you're with me.”

Hyungwon took deep breaths, large eyes determined and slowly got up on his knees, lifting himself from the bed and glancing at Hoseok. He appeared more calm than he had been a few minutes ago, letting his own hands run over his stomach and resting on his upper arms, crossed.

“Where is your bathroom?” he asked, looking around the room and focusing on the hallway. Hoseok pointed at the door directly next to his wardrobe. It was really nice to have access from the bedroom, one of the reasons for renting the apartment. The other man just nodded before walking through the door and closing it softly behind himself.

_What's going on, Hoseok?_

It didn't make sense. Of course it didn't- it was Hyungwon after all. Waiting was the only possibility to find out what the other man had wanted to show him.

_He wanted to show you why he is scared._

Hoseok had no idea how Hyungwon planned on showing him. Fact was that Hoseok already missed him, after just a couple of minutes. He threw a black silk blanket over his hips, covering his absolute nakedness and waited, heart hammering in his chest from excitement.

The bathroom door opened quietly and Hyungwon reappeared, chewing on his cheek and sitting down next to Hoseok, taking a deep breath.

“Could you…sit over there?” he asked and pointed at the end of the bed, looking insecure and eyes widening again. His left hand was drawing patterns on his naked thigh, skin golden and clean, a few drops running down his chest and legs. Hoseok nodded before catching a drop from the tattooed chest and licking it from his finger. Hyungwon hissed, closing his eyes for a second and grabbed Hoseok’s hair, pressing their lips together forcefully before letting go and returning his palms to his thighs.

Hoseok moaned at the contact but complied, sliding down and walking to the end of the bed, taking the spot Hyungwon wanted him at.

“I'm-” The beautiful man paused and took another deep breath. “I'm rather- oh my god I have never told this to anybody. Fuck my life.”

Another strong inhale.

“I'm rather sensitive, so I lose my sense of everything. A little like the meltdown.” Hyungwon stroked over his own thigh again, fingertips sliding over the whole length and returning to his hip bones.

“Just that it feels good, I guess. But it's scary.”

_What's going on, Hoseok? Maybe you don't understand because you're hard and he's stroking himself tenderly? Why does he want you to sit somewhere else if he's scared? Is he scared of you?_

“Do you- do you need me to stay away? Are you scared of me?” Hoseok asked quietly, eyes not leaving the beautiful man’s body and observing every single movement of the long fingers sliding over the lean thighs. Hyungwon shook his head immediately.

“I'm not scared of you, but of me. Just don't react to what I say and simply watch please, okay?” he asked, legs shivering a little and nails scratching the skin of his thigh instead of the previously tender caresses of his fingertips. Swallowing again the black-haired stretched out his hand.

“So you want me to stay away right? Okay.” Hoseok sat down comfortably and tried to look calm although his heart felt like jumping out of his chest. Hyungwon waved with the hand he was holding out towards him, apparently wanting Hoseok to give him something.

“Do you need something from me?” He couldn't hide his surprise.

“Lube,” Hyungwon replied, body remaining rigid and nails still scratching along his thigh.

_Oh god._

Hoseok pointed at a small black drawer attached to the bed and swallowed loudly while breathing became more and more difficult. The other man nodded and reached towards the drawer, getting the small and transparent bottle out and letting some of its content flow onto the fingers of his right hand, warming it up by rubbing them together and taking another deep breath.

“I hope my reaction won't scare you,” Hyungwon whispered and lay down, propping his head up on a pillow and spreading his legs, basically lying directly in front of Hoseok and not embarrassed by how openly he presented himself.

_Holy fucking shit. You'll die, Hoseok._

“I- I’m more scared of my reaction,” he whispered, fingers curling into fists at his sides and squeezing his eyes shut, counting until ten before opening them again.

Hyungwon had his eyes closed, legs spread wide and sucked in air, holding it in his lungs as his right hand travelled below his right thigh to his entrance, circling it and legs shivering almost immediately at the contact, lips parting.

It was basically hell. Hoseok felt his skin burning and the way his erection twitched at almost every movement only made it worse. He wanted to close his eyes, but couldn’t bring himself to.

“Here I go,” Hyungwon whispered, words barely leaving his lips as he slid a finger inside himself and simply screamed at the feeling, mouth opening wide and head thrown back, repeating the motion immediately and trashing from left to right. It must have felt intense to him, body convulsing with each pump of his long finger and unable to keep himself in check. Hoseok had never thought that there would be a point in his life, where he wouldn’t want anything else, but being a finger on Hyungwon’s hand.  
  
_Fucking hell. It’s basically torture, Hoseok._  
  
It was. He exhaled sharply, trying to calm himself down in vain, nails digging into the skin of his thighs. Hyungwon moaned, spreading his legs further to make the thrusting motion easier for himself and teeth biting down on his lower lip, unaware of whether it was too harshly or not. The black-haired man's eyes opened wide for a few seconds as he added another finger and resumed showing his extreme sensitivity to the pleasure, sounds a mixture of screams and moans, teeth breaking the skin of his lower lip.

“Oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon gasped and his tongue caught a drop of blood from his lower lip, speed of his fingers increasing and hips shivering uncontrollably. His left arm reached out for the headboard to hold onto it.

“I fucking want your dick so much, Hoseok, it's killing me.”  
  
_Yeah, and he’s killing you. This must be some kind of torture for you. You must’ve upset him somehow._  
  
Hoseok couldn’t help moaning at the sight and those words coming from the other man’s lips. His mind was clouded and the burning in his groin so intense that it bordered on real pain. He threw his head back, panting, trying to catch his breath.

The long fingers continued their thrusts as drops of sweat developed on Hyungwon's forehead and chest, rolling down gradually and reflecting the dimmed light. Another scream left the other man's lips as he changed the angle slightly, throwing his head to the side and mouth open wide, eyes half shut. He was completely out of it and it was hands down the hottest thing Hoseok had ever witnessed in his life. The way Hyungwon lost control was mesmerizing. His gaze returned and it was impossible to look away, the intensity of the movements and reactions sucked him in while his muscles were flexing and screaming at him to move.  
  
_You can’t, you promised._

“I want you, Hoseok,” the other man murmured between gasps, left hand leaving the headboard and moving down towards his body, stroking over his own chest. “I want you so much. So fucking much, oh my fucking god.” The shivers in the long legs increased further, breath close to hyperventilating and erection straight and twitching, Hyungwon was close.  
  
“I want you too, holy fuck. Can’t you just let me take you in my mouth and you continue what you’re doing? Mhm?” Hoseok begged. He really wanted to touch Hyungwon. His brain was going crazy, spikes over spikes and the feeling of pressure adding up in his groin. He just wanted to touch him.

The other man nodded furiously, letting his hand slide back towards the headboard, nails burying themselves into the wood and legs rearranging to make even more room for Hoseok. Hyungwon looked so out of it, overwhelmed by pleasure, screaming repeatedly and not focusing on anything in particular. It seemed like each stab of his fingers send electrical impulses through the other man's whole body.

“Please do it. Do everything you want, Hoseok. Fuck me up.”  
  
_No no no, not everything you want. Just that one thing you asked for._  
  
“I just want you in my mouth. Don’t hold onto the headboard, grab my hair.” He crawled between Hyungwon’s legs, leaving him enough space to move and not touching too much skin to not overwhelm the other. He licked over the tip and moaned at the feeling of the whole length disappearing inside of his mouth. Hyungwon screamed loudly, echoing in the room and shaking fingers remaining on the headboard. The hips lifted and lips parted, gasps not stopping and legs curling around Hoseok, not letting him go.

“I'll-” A moan interrupted the other man. “I'll hurt you if I grab your hair.”  
  
_Please._  
  
“Please grab it. I like it,” Hoseok commented before deepthroating the other, groaning and trying to breathe through his nose. Long fingers intertwined themselves with the soft strands of his hair and pulled strongly, pain shooting through his scalp, accompanied by Hyungwon pressing him even closer with his legs. It was so hot that his own erection twitched at the sensation, the senses on absolute overdrive. Hoseok used his tongue to tease the tip before sliding down again, the feeling of the other in his mouth sending spikes all over his skin. He moaned. He couldn’t stop moaning at what Hyungwon was doing to him and how fucking perfect he was.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon groaned, pulling at the hair again and throwing his head back, showing the tender skin and curling his spine from the intensity that Hoseok’s mouth and the other's long fingers provided. Hoseok wanted to touch him like that too, he wanted to do so many things. Fuck, it was torture, but the erection in his mouth and the way the other had pulled his hair made up for the unquenchable desire.  
  
_Some other time, maybe._

Tightening his lips impossibly around the other man, Hoseok slid down the whole length while humming in the process, tongue piercing tracing the veins while he did it.

The way Hyungwon's body gave out as he came was otherworldly. Hoseok perceived every little twitch of the other man's muscles, hips jerking up towards his mouth, burying himself inside. How the thighs pulled him closer, unwilling to let him go. How the last breath of air left his lips, expressed in a scream of Hoseok’s name and finally how Hyungwon let go of everything, hands falling to the bed, full weight of his legs resting on Hoseok’s shoulders and unable to control the rapidness of his breaths.  
  
How the fuck are you going to have sex with other people now? The fuck is this threshold?  
  
He licked his lips and crawled up, hovering over Hyungwon and looking for signs that the other was conscious.  
  
“Can I be next to you now?” Hoseok asked quietly, to not disturb the absolute bliss on the other man’s face.

Hyungwon didn't reply, pants leaving his lips and pink tongue attempting to keep them moisturized, licking a little longer at the bruised spot that must have tasted like iron. The main sign of discomfort was the way the hands held onto the sheets, knuckles white and eyes remaining closed, although the long legs still rested on Hoseok’s shoulders.  
  
Hoseok lifted them carefully and placed them on the mattress. After he crawled out and lay on the bed next to Hyungwon, he took one of the other man’s hands, without applying pressure, and loosened the fingers from the sheet. He let them roam over his own arm and neck up to his hair, trying to calm himself too, because his heartbeat and his breathing were a whole mess accompanied by his iron rod erection. The exhales got slower and the hand attached itself properly to Hoseok’s hair, tension that was building up leaving the slim shoulders gradually.

“Are you scared of me now?” Hyungwon’s low voice whispered, rough from all the screaming and moaning.  
  
_Bitch what?_  
  
“Uhm, no? I’m scared at myself for not jumping you. Well I kind of did but not like...you know.” Hoseok smiled and stroked over the sweaty cheek. “That was honestly the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, shit. I won’t be able to forget that. You’re...you’re so intense, as if someone had held you in prison and you were able to breathe outside for the first time. I’m addicted to you.”  
  
And it’s not even a lie.

Hyungwon's eyes opened slowly, head turning to take a proper look at Hoseok.

“I'm kind of lost right now, unable to focus reality and everything is tingling and every detail jumps into my face and I can't keep track of anything. You find that attractive? I thought it would be scary.” The eyes jumped over his face, focusing on different things very quickly as if supporting the words. “You set me free, but I'm so lost with this freedom.”  
  
_And you won’t be able to unsee anymore._

 _The way he let go._  
  
“Hold on then.” Hoseok leaned in and curled his arms around the other man’s body, sweaty skin sending electricity over his limbs. Hesitantly fingers walked along his arm and shoulders, as if Hyungwon eased the action for himself by using the index and the middle finger as two legs, before the thin arms circled his neck completely.

“Hold on to what?” the other man asked, voice still resembling a chainsmoker.  
  
“Me.” __  
  
As if that’s enough, Hoseok, what the fuck?

Hyungwon hummed, pulling himself flush against him and burying his face in his neck.

“Reality seems rather familiar like this, when it's just your scent and your skin. But I'll have to wake up, won't I?” The warm lips smiled against his neck but the words sounded sad, fear weaving its way into them. He felt a strange stab in his lungs, arms tightening at the sensation, wish to somehow make it better for the person in his arms. When did he get in so deep? He was drowning in emotions and strange infatuation, foreign thoughts flooding his brain, things he had never thought about before.  
  
“I’m sad,” he whispered suddenly, realizing the familiar way his breathing pattern changed. “I don’t want you to feel bad.”

Hyungwon's right hand stroked over his head, repeating the calming motion he performed a lot, massaging Hoseok’s scalp and placing a tender kiss against his skin.

“It was my choice, Hoseok. I have never shown anybody this side of me, but I wanted to show you. Don't be sad,” he whispered and intertwined their naked legs.  
  
“But I loved it and it makes me bitter that it makes you sad. It’s complicated. Just take what you need to feel better from me. I don’t know what you need, but just take it.”  
  
_You sound like a teenager in a sappy movie, Hoseok. What the fuck are you even talking about?_

 _Don’t throw yourself at him like that._  
  
_Just don’t._  
  
He tried to calm down, normalizing his breathing pattern and not moving unnecessarily to let the lust out of his system, which was admittedly very hard considering the nakedness of his and Hyungwon’s body.  
  
“Thank you for showing me.”

Hyungwon nodded again and his hands were warm when they left Hoseok’s hair and stroked along his chest instead, drawing with his fingertips.

“I'm sorry. I was out of it and forgot your pleasure.” A warm kiss landed on his lips and the other threw his leg over Hoseok’s hips, hand sliding lower and index finger slipping along the length of his shaft.

“I'm fine,” Hoseok answered and swallowed, feeling a little strange.

_It's because you told him that everything has to be fair and what not._

Hyungwon frowned, lower lip pulled out and resembling a pout as the index finger paused on the transition to his tip.

“You don't want me to?” the other man asked and looked a little upset, voice low and drenched in resignation. “You are disgusted, aren’t you? What I showed you was shocking so you don't want me to touch you anymore.” _  
_

_Disgusting? What?_

“Are you crazy? I've never wanted to be a finger in my whole life before you lay here on my bed driving me crazy and telling me not to touch you like some kind of middle age torture method,” Hoseok spilled out, gesturing around with his left hand and staring at Hyungwon.

The other man's eyes widened at the outburst and he grabbed Hoseok’s erection in surprise, a little too tightly.

“You're not done torturing me yet?” Hoseok gasped, shivering a little from the sensation. Hyungwon appeared rather panic stricken.

“Oh god, no, I'm sorry.” He reduced his strength quickly. “It just happened. I didn't know it was so intense for you. I want to make you feel good...what do you like? I want to do it.” The other man smiled and kissed Hoseok, deeply this time, breathing in his scent and licking over his lips before letting go. _  
_

“I liked everything you did before besides the fact that I was forced to stay away from you. I will never be over this. It was so fucking hot, oh god.” He remembered the way the other man had screamed and moved his fingers, the way he had pulled Hoseok’s hair and tightened the lean thighs around his head. His dick twitched at the thought, too bad that Hyungwon had it in his hand.

The hand tightened around him immediately, thumb stroking over the wet tip, spreading the precum and licking his lips.

“Shit, you really liked that. That's so… unexpected and bad for my desire to remain in control but fuck, now I want to lose control for you all the time,” Hyungwon gasped in quick succession. “Tell me what you want, I'll do it all.” A grin spread over the plump lips suddenly. “I'm up for a lot of things, babe.”

“Fine. I want you to touch me while you tell me how your fingers felt like. You know, I was kind of jealous and fuck, the way you moaned.” His dick twitched again, giving out the whole scale of his addiction to the way the other man lost control. Hyungwon's eyes widened shortly but he caught himself quickly, increasing the strength with which his thumb dug into the slit. The other man's lips parted and he leaned forward until hot breath was hitting Hoseok’s ear.

“It felt like liquid fire, Hoseok, burning from the inside instead of my blood and extinguishing every thought that might have considered you inside of me a bad idea like a flame melts a piece of paper into ash,” Hyungwon whispered, thumb connecting with his index finger into a tight ring, which he slid up and down Hoseok’s erection, applying pressure. A hot tongue licked over his earlobe.

_Holy fuck, Hoseok, get your shit together._

It wasn't very effective, low moans escaping his mouth at the touch and the way the other man's words sounded.

“Tell me more.”

Another lick followed and Hyungwon curled his fingers up, rolling them over the head repeatedly as he inhaled slowly, sound impossibly loud because of the proximity.

“I thought I couldn't breathe because there was nothing on my mind except for the burning pleasure, electricity coursing through me at each little stab of my fingers, body screaming at me to beg you to fuck me. I wanted you so fucking much Hoseok,” the other man continued and finally circled all of his impossibly long fingers around Hoseok’s painfully hard dick, squeezing lightly.

“Every time my fingers moved it felt like my eyes closed just to see a living painting, you sitting there appearing so affected. I wanted to grab you and pull you towards myself, throw myself at you and sit down on that beautiful cock of yours but your mouth was faster. Fuck, I thought I was dying.”

“Holy fuck.” Hoseok moaned, brain not processing fast enough, just the burning pleasure taking him and drowning him in the fire.

The fingers began to build up a quick rhythm, stroking with more pressure on the tip and harsh breaths against his ear.

“No one has ever touched me while I fingered myself, Hoseok. That was the first time. Everything around me disappeared, only the perception of your hair in my fingertips, your mouth around me and that liquid fire in my lower body remaining, setting everything ablaze. Shit, I loved it so much, Hoseok. How am I supposed to live now?” the low voice gasped into his ear as the rhythm sped up even further. “Fuck, I want you to do it again.” Hyungwon licked over his earlobe. “And again.” Teeth nibbled on his neck before sucking at the transition to the shoulder. “And again.”

_Shit. Holy fucking shit, why did you ask, Hoseok?_

“I won't be able to get the images out of my head, Hyungwon. You're wrecking me, fuck. Release me before I jump you, holy shit,” Hoseok begged, collecting his remaining sense from god knows where, breaths harsh and teeth biting down on his bottom lip painfully.

_Ouch._

Hyungwon kissed the bruised lip, licking over it and sucking it into his mouth. The fingers were quick, one hand reaching down to grab Hoseok’s balls, massaging the area between them.

“You don't know how much I wanted you to jump me. I've never felt like this, pleasure reaching to the fingertips and turning every thought into a blank canvas, waiting to be filled by you. I never wanted anybody that much, fuck. Come for me, Hoseok. Show me how I make you feel,” the sinful lips whispered against his mouth, tongue licking over his piercing.

_You have to come before you lose your mind, fuck._

His whole body tensed and he released himself with a groan, throwing his head back and closing his eyes. The only thing Hoseok could perceive were loud pants, his own, heartbeat hammering against his chest, muscles tensing and relaxing again. Shit, it had been some intense orgasm considering the fact that it was a hand job.

“Fuck,” he whispered without moving an inch, eyes still closed and mind processing his surroundings. Hyungwon's hand stroked him very slowly, aware of oversensitivity until the touch disappeared.

“Look at me, Hoseok.”

He lifted his head and opened his eyes slowly, focusing on the other man. Hyungwon raised a corner of his mouth in a hot smirk and lifted his hand to his lips, licking over it as he kept up eye contact, large brown orb focusing on Hoseok alone. The personified sin covered the index finger completely with his lips before continuing with the next, gaze not wavering.

“I'm lucky that I have a big mouth,” the other man whispered, hot breath tickling Hoseok’s skin.  
  
“What did I sign up to? Fuck my life,” Hoseok moaned, a new coil forming in his groin although he came mere minutes ago. “I’ll pay you back later, when you let me.” He smirked back.

Hyungwon tensed at the word ‘later’, sitting up quickly.

“Fuck, what time is it, Hoseok?”  
  
“It’s almost midnight, Cinderella. Get dressed, I’ll bring you home. I can’t sleep now anyway.” Hoseok got a tissue and cleaned up, grabbing Hyungwon’s hand and doing the same although the man had already licked it clean.

“It is really midnight?” Hyungwon asked, completely ignoring what he had said and just sitting there with his hand stretched out, watching how the tissue wiped over it.  
  
Hoseok picked up the other man’s clothes and put them next to him.  
  
“Yes. Considering the amount that we talked instead of fucking each other up as planned, it’s a wonder we’re still alive, Hyungwon. Get dressed, I’ll bring you home, or do you need help putting your clothes on?” Hoseok grinned while slipping into his underwear and jeans.

Hyungwon stared at nothing, sitting on his knees and playing with his fingers, pulling at the skin around his nails with the fingertips. His breathing increased a little, suddenly looking around the room as if he was searching for something.

“What am I supposed to do now?” he asked helplessly.  
  
“Fine. Come here.” Hoseok crawled on the bed next to him and helped to coordinate the dressing.  
  
_Well you have never helped somebody dress before, Hoseok, only undress. Your relationship is a fucking mess._  
  
_What relationship?_  
  
Right. There was none. Still, Hyungwon needed to put his clothes on for them to leave and Hoseok helped him as much as he could until the other man looked ready to go out into the shitty London weather.

“I'm sorry, Hoseok. I was out of it because I'm not home. I'm supposed to be home,” he mumbled, pulling his jacket further around his shoulders. “Where are we even going?”  
  
_Wow. He must be really out of it._  
  
It was the first time that Hoseok had met a person like that. Talking like a waterfall, not talking at all, getting meltdowns and not knowing where he was or where he was going. He couldn’t help wondering how he had managed to become so successful and live an amazing life.  
  
_It’s because of the order. And you’re fucking everything up, Hoseok._  
  
He did, but it was his personality. He had done it from the start, crushing the paper plane into the wall and tattooing a drunk stranger at 3AM.  
  
“Don’t be sorry. You’re supposed to be home, so we’re going to your apartment. I really hope you know where it is. Well, in the worst case we’ll just come back here, but let’s try.” Hoseok smiled brightly. Somehow it excited him, everything about Hyungwon, the way he never knew what would come his way. He brought chaos and colors into his life and it was mesmerizing.

“My apartment?” Hyungwon stopped walking, looking around himself until he turned to Hoseok, looking baffled. “Hoseok, that's an hour from here.”  
  
_What?_  
  
“But not by car right? I kinda have a car, Hyungwon. I can drive you there.” It had started again. They would talk until one of them died.

“No, no, by foot. We can get there easily, it just takes a while, but why are you wasting so much of your time for me? I'm worried. You'll have to go all the way back,” Hyungwon replied and gestured a lot, obviously still not in his neutral state.  
  
“Let’s go.”

Hyungwon nodded and walked a little faster, watching the ground attentively and placing his feet exactly into the squares of the concrete. Every damn time as if he made sure not to step on the borders. Hoseok couldn’t help but laugh out loud.  
  
“The last time I played that game was like twenty years ago. Is it fun?” He grinned amused at how the other seemed so overly concentrated.

Hyungwon paused walking, again stopping exactly within a square of concrete. He raised an eyebrow in question.

“What game? I'm not playing any game,” he answered carefully.

“The one with not stepping over the lines.” Hoseok walked over the lines on purpose. Hyungwon flinched, staring at him as if he had just insulted him or inflicted genuine physical pain.

“It's not a game. It's a rule and I follow it. Not always because it doesn't always apply but when it does I follow it. It calms me down,” Hyungwon explained and continued walking within the squares, concentrating on his feet. “It makes me feel safe,” he added quietly.

“Hmm, don't know. I just have the feeling that I have to step over the lines to show that I don't need to follow a rule to feel safe. But doesn't mean that I don't need anything, I do, it's just different from what you need to feel safe.” The concrete was grey and wet, shoes mixing the dirty water, creating shapes and colours through the street lamps and the movements. “I meant it when I said that I like you.”

Hyungwon smiled suddenly, turning towards him and not realising that he accidentally stepped on a line.

“I like you too.”

Hoseok stretched out his hand and touched the other man's long fingers lightly, intertwining them and holding onto the hand, smiling like an idiot.

_Not ‘like’, you are an idiot._

Hyungwon’s smile was bright, grasping onto Hoseok’s hand tightly and turning back towards the concrete, re-establishing his pattern as if he had never broken it.

Hoseok felt really happy for no reason, considering the fact that there were millions of misunderstandings and difficulties in communication and this unquenchable thirst and tension surrounding them. The fact that words had meant nothing to Hyungwon and he could've just said it like that.

Like everything else.

_But he showed you._

He did and that was the difference. Seeing the other man lose control on purpose, just to show Hoseok that he liked him was something else. He felt so special. As if he was a person that was exclusively able to make Hyungwon feel safe.

_It's probably just the way he feels when he likes someone, doesn't mean you're the only one._

“Was there someone like me before? I mean did you have a person that made you feel safe and calm and that you wanted to draw? There must've been right?” Hoseok asked quietly, looking at the way the puddles moved when he stepped on them.

The long fingers squeezed his hand tightly and he could feel the other man's gaze on his face.

“Of course not. That's why I'm losing my mind,” he replied, a small smile playing on his lips, teeth biting down on the lower one before turning back to the street, feet avoiding the puddles that built up between the concrete squares. Water always rose higher in narrow cavities.

_What? It's a first?_

“Well, I liked other people before and was in relationships, but...I don't know, you seem very different to me. As if you can see things I can't perceive. Also the way you see them, it's so exciting. I don't know what to expect and it makes me scared. But I'm somehow also yearning for it, for you to show me, to explain. You’re able to create chaos in me every time I'm next to you. I know it sounds sappy, but you fascinate me. You also fascinated me back then. I wanted to contact you but you didn't write down your phone number or address on the form.” Hoseok smiled, remembering the weeks he had tried to find him, searching for people with the same name but not finding anyone. He even tried to draw him and it became the only picture of a person he had ever drawn.

Hyungwon didn't look up, gaze remaining fixed on the street. Only the nails of his middle and index finger scratched over Hoseok’s palm, holding it tighter.

“You don't have to justify why you like me, Hoseok. You just do and I just do. It makes me happy. I hope you are happy too.”

_Would be nice if it was that simple._

“I didn't justify. I explained why it's special to me. Happiness depends on a lot of things. Liking is just the willingness to deal with each other. Everything else is much more complicated. That's why I wanted you to show me. To be sure we're on the same wavelength.” His thumb stroked over the cool skin. Hoseok enjoyed the contact and it felt like a movie, strolling around the wet streets of London while holding hands and talking about how much they liked each other.

“I don't really think about how special it is because it’s straightforward for me. I never felt like this before. Not until three years ago when I asked you for the tattoo. It just got more intense. Thank you for being willing to deal with me.” A soft sigh left the other man's lips, sounding almost self deprecating. “Not many do.”

Somehow it was relatable. But it was like this with some paintings too. They seemed overly complicated or rigid until one came closer to recognize the refined brush strokes and soft forms, transitions and similarities, awakening something inside oneself that wouldn't have been visible without looking closer.

“You're intense,” Hoseok whispered and slid his thumb over the smooth surface again.

“You're my safe haven,” Hyungwon answered, attention not fading from the constant regular patterns he defined his reality by, holding onto the one person that kept breaking them, calling him his haven.

“Would be nice if I was."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	12. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think if I would want to be someone else I would like to be you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are halfway through everyone! How do you feel?

Something had been profoundly messed up.

At some point in the last few weeks a thought must have gone wrong, diverted it’s usual path and rearranged itself into an immensely complex mass of occurrences that were difficult to track and eventually changed Hyungwon.

He didn't really feel like himself.

The thinking patterns were different and therefore also the conclusions. Too much of his brain mass was recruited to think about Hoseok and his actions, the fact that Hyungwon had shown him his weakness and hadn't regretted it yet, the fact that he felt pretty convinced that he liked the other man and lastly the fact that he didn't have Hoseok’s phone number and therefore had no possibility to interact with him, unless he went to the tattoo studio.

_Which you can't._

Hyungwon was never able to just go somewhere without a reason, a proper justification for his actions. There had to be one, no matter how urgently he desired to do something. Unfortunately he had none to visit Hoseok, so he was stuck in his endless limbo of the inability to act.

“Mr. Chae?” a medium tembred voice asked from the front, interrupting his thoughts.

_Right._

Hyungwon had been in the middle of providing feedback for the flower based drawings that Derek tended to create, roses and petals almost alive and growing.

_Just like the one drawing on Hoseok’s wall. The flower felt like you could touch it and it would break._

_Stop thinking about him, Hyungwon._

He had to focus and not get distracted with his adjusted thinking patterns, constantly building associations that weren't relevant for his current task.

“Excuse me, Derek. I was rather infatuated with the way you depicted the petals. They are very alive. I'd like to take that one,” Hyungwon replied finally and placed the artwork on his right pile of approved drawings, filling out a confirmation for the other man so he could receive the monetary compensation.

His colleagues tended to dislike his manner of seeing every artwork himself, but he had pretty detailed and rigid ideas on what he liked, visions that no one else really comprehended. Therefore he simply _had to_ do it himself.

Derek appeared impossibly delighted, eyes widened particularly and mouth spread into a smile, showing teeth and gums. Hyungwon signed his name under the confirmation and handed it to the young artist.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Chae. To be honest I have fallen in love recently and worried that it would ruin my inspiration, but it seems like it's totally fine! Maybe even better,” Derek exclaimed excitedly and waved before leaving his office, ignorant of the confusion that he left behind.

_Well, feelings do affect art, but can those be aversive?_

Hyungwon thought about that for a few seconds, remembering that Hoseok had inked the emotionally filled tattoo for him back then, but hadn’t drawn much on his own in the three years after, apparently suffering from the bad behaviour of the despicable man that Hyungwon had the misfortune of meeting.

_Maybe if love turns to something painful it can break art?_

Deciding to ask Jin about that some other time (after all he was the psychiatrist and knew about mental health) Hyungwon took a quick glance at the watch. It was time for his regular meet up with Minhyuk.

Reminiscing about the lack of a reason to see Hoseok and the other’s absence at the company during the past few days Hyungwon sighed and called for his taxi to meet with the pretty black-haired man. It way was short but he had taken a taxi the first time he went there and the tradition had stayed since then.

_Everything is much less organized now and you will just have to force the structure back into it. Somehow._

Minhyuk’s apartment looked just as it was supposed to look, furniture the same, clothes arranged appropriately and only the sheets were changed but the other man always did that towards the end of the week. Hyungwon was used to that adjustment and didn't feel overwhelmed by it. Everything was great and he felt perfectly in control of himself, which shouldn't have been that surprising but the occurrences with Hoseok continuously threw him out of his usual routines. He just couldn't help being grateful for the lack of disruptions.

“You’re a little more in thought again,” Minhyuk whispered from the door of the bathroom, beautiful naked skin on display and delicate fingers holding onto the handle, pink tongue licking over his lips.

Hyungwon was probably conditioned but the sight of Minhyuk was usually connected with sexual practises, especially if the other man was undressed, so his body reacted quickly. After all that's what they mainly did. Fuck.

“Just a lot going on,” he replied and smiled for reassurance, pulling his shirt off his chest and stepping out of his tight jeans. The bed smelled nice so he lay down and closed his eyes for a second. “Someone likes me.”

Minhyuk crawled on top of the bed, obvious from the way the weight shifted, and placed kisses on Hyungwon's stomach and hips. It felt nice.

“Are you breaking hearts again?” the black-haired asked, moving closer to his groin and playing with Hyungwon's erection, taking it into his mouth and doing quick work. He wasn't really into foreplay when it came to his own pleasure and preferred to focus on Minhyuk.

_Is that true though?_

With Hoseok he had basically melted at the touch, struggling to remain in control and giving up eventually. He had loved every second of it so it couldn't be quite true that he disliked being teased and spoiled.

Minhyuk stopped just as he always did and smiled, sitting down on Hyungwon's lap and kissing him, arms curling around the shoulders and pulling him close. It was strange how Hyungwon had been in the exact same position when it came to Hoseok, resting on the muscular thighs and constantly wishing to let himself go and feel with the intensity that Hoseok was able to provide.

His attention returned when Minhyuk’s thighs tightened around his hips and the other man pushed him down forcefully.

“Don't get distracted,” he whispered and sucked Hyungwon's lower lip into his mouth. “And finger me with those fucking long fingers of yours instead.”

Hyungwon complied, watching the way the other man moaned and hissed at the feeling, pushing against his fingers as he basked in pleasure but it never looked the way Hyungwon felt when he did it himself. The intensity didn't seem to be comparable. His sensitivity was his curse, unable to remain sane and therefore preferring to be the one in control.

_But you prefer to let go for Hoseok._

Hyungwon changed the angle and added another finger to increase the volume of the beautiful man's moans, thereby hopefully tuning out his unpleasantly loud thoughts. He always thought during sex, but usually it was more focused on the other man’s behaviours and reactions, extraordinarily expressive in their nature. Minhyuk was beautiful, he really was, clear skin, slim but toned body and interesting eyes. However Hyungwon had never been intrigued by drawing the other man, not in the way he wished to draw Hoseok.

The times that he had copied the real life strokes of Minhyuk’s skin onto a piece of paper had been limited and mainly fulfilled the purpose of studying the human body. It had been when the actual movement of the limbs and the position of the muscles were of importance. It wasn't like that with Hoseok at all, fingers almost physically yearning to put the other man onto paper and to understand, to unload the constant onslaught of emotions Hyungwon felt whenever he met him.

A soft hand on his wrist returned his attention, Minhyuk breathing heavily and asking Hyungwon to stop, sweat drops visible on his skin and smirk reappearing. Hyungwon smirked back and turned the other man around, pulling the legs towards himself and lifting the ass so the black- haired kneeled in front of him. Minhyuk resembled a cat in the way he had the ability to move sensually, looking impossibly attractive with the way he let himself be manhandled. Hyungwon lined up and let his hands run over the naked back. The process was automatic and straight forward, it always was.

Hyungwon believed that pleasure was just goal directed behaviour. He just wanted to come and so did his sexual partner, so they fucked. Simple as that. But it wasn't that simple with Hoseok, not at all.

_It is so different._

The thought was scary but Hyungwon felt bland compared to his experiences with Hoseok, not perceiving emotional variety and just doing what he knew he was supposed to be doing. He felt empty, led by behaviour and not feeling any desire to do anything in particular. It was terrifying.

_Hoseok added emotions to pleasure and now you can't remove them anymore. Everything without feeling is dead, Hyungwon, just like a drawing without an expression. Like a painting without meaning._

His breathing increased in speed, only partially due to the built up of his orgasm and he couldn't help the worry, the fear that he wouldn’t be able to release pressure without the involvement of emotions and the loss of control anymore.

_That's it, Hyungwon. That's what you get for letting go. You can't go back._

It was stupid, really. Already as a teenager he had realised that he couldn't go back, perceiving an interest in other men and becoming fascinated, trying things out himself just to see what it was like. Since he had lost control with himself once he hadn't been able to stop doing so. He was addicted to the feeling and scared of the consequences, unaware of his actions and words. It was animalistic.

_And yet you have done the exact same thing again._

Minhyuk moaned loudly under him, body tensing up and Hyungwon helped the other man along by speeding up himself, getting a little rougher and holding the hips in place. It didn't take long until the pretty black-haired released himself, hands clutching the blanket tightly. Hyungwon focused on finishing off, not distracting himself with various thoughts and pulling out as he came over the beautiful back.

He cleaned up, using the tissues at the sides and tossed them away, watching how Minhyuk wiped over his upper thighs, getting rid of excess lube.

“I think if I would want to be someone else I would like to be you,” Hyungwon whispered and sat down on the bed, waiting for the black-haired to finish so he could give him the usual hug. Minhyuk just froze, turning to him with wide eyes, lips pressed together.

“What the actual fuck, Hyungwon? Don't play those rollercoaster games that you like so much with me,” he muttered and finished cleaning up, pulling Hyungwon down to the bed and curling up in his embrace.

“I just like how you can do whatever you like and it's fine.”

Hyungwon also wished he could have just melted like that without any second thoughts, let the blazing flames take over and burn him to ash.

“Mhm,” Minhyuk replied, listening carefully judging by the way his breathing pattern changed. “Do you suddenly have a reason for wanting to do ‘whatever’? You didn't seem to care before.”

_True, Hyungwon._

There hadn't really been a point in doing whatever and actually there still shouldn't be, but watching the way the beautiful black-haired let go and enjoyed the ministrations, mind remaining conscious and aware, just drowned by pleasure, made him desire to be in that position. Hyungwon also wanted to let go and feel pleasure like that. Without losing his mind and everything he considered important.

_But if you lose yourself you won't be able to let it go, Hyungwon. You can't control the sensitivity. You tried._

“Just a rather dumb yearning I perceived. A little like sitting in a cage and seeing a lollipop through the bars. It's close enough to lick it, right there, just the edge touchable and when you reach it the taste just spreads in your mouth, completely overwhelming you, taking over your senses. You want it, you want it so fucking much, but at the same time you see the knives at the bars, ready to cut you to shreds if you get too close, hurting and scaring you. It's a little like that I think,” Hyungwon explained, eyes closing to visualize and express his emotions better as he talked. It was difficult through words. It always was.

Minhyuk remained quiet, lifting his head. Something seemed different about his expression again. His mouth smiled but his eyes didn't. Hyungwon wasn't good with reading eyes, but mouths were more prone to lies so there had to be something that upset the other man. As he couldn't find a fitting conclusion by taking both of the information pieces into consideration he gave up, tightening the grip around the slim shoulders instead.

“Funny,” Minhyuk muttered, stroking his pretty hands over Hyungwon's tattooed chest, fingers following the lines of the forest. “That's how I feel about you.”

Hyungwon frowned, recognising the emotionality of the utterance and felt uncomfortable, strong wish to leave immediately almost suffocating him.

_He wants you but he's afraid of getting hurt?_

“Felt,” Minhyuk corrected suddenly, only one corner of the mouth lifting before he pressed his lips together into a thin line. “It changed after four years. Thank god.”

Hyungwon didn't know what to say and just nodded, wish to go home not fading away no matter how much time passed. He stroked over Minhyuk’s hair once and stopped his hand in the middle of the gesture, realizing the meaninglessness. It was neither calming nor emotional. It was just…hair. Just Minhyuk looking pretty and pressing his head further into Hyungwon's palm.

_Hoseok must really be special then. He makes meaningless actions meaningful and pleasuring situations overwhelming with his mere presence._

Hyungwon finished stroking over the other man's hair and got up, pulling his jeans over his legs.

“When I publish my next book, will you read it?” Minhyuk asked suddenly, curling up in his blanket and not showing the intention to stand up. Hyungwon nodded as he pulled his shirt over his head. The last book he had read had been interesting, a very different perspective that he couldn't quite understand but that involved some very familiar situations that were calming to read.

“Awesome. You want something before you leave?” Minhyuk asked, interrupting his thoughts and pulling the blanket all the way to the chest. Hyungwon just shook his head because he wanted to leave and possibly come up with a reason for seeing Hoseok.

_You miss him, don't you?_

“I love your tattoos by the way. Do you want to get any more?” Minhyuk asked suddenly and Hyungwon could feel his gaze on his back as he brushed over the black jeans to get invisible dirt off the fabric and prepared to walk to the hallway, get his shoes and leave. He froze instead.

“Yes.”

_Yes._

His heartbeat picked up at the realization. He had another drawing by Hoseok. He had placed it on his desk but he didn't have to.

_You can let him engrave it onto your body instead._

Minhyuk answered something but Hyungwon didn't perceive the meaning of the words, too focused on how he was going to see Hoseok and make sure to get another tattoo and preferably soon.

_Go to work, get the picture, finish your plan for today and go to Hoseok’s studio._

“See you next week, Minhyuk,” Hyungwon called quickly and slipped into his shoes, putting on his jacket and left the apartment. He needed time to think so he walked the relatively short distance, focusing on his steps and on the soundness of his argumentation too. He liked Hoseok so every artwork that the artist produced and that related to Hyungwon deserved to be placed on his body.

_You want him to ink you. It means something._

The way he occupied himself with work was almost fully in trance, mind too busy thinking about how to present his argumentation well enough once he arrived at the tattoo shop. Kyungsoo talked less than usual and if Hyungwon hadn't been so busy with preparing his next tattoo he would have felt a little worried about his own work performance, distraction throwing him off balance.

When it was 10PM and he had finished the last artwork evaluation for the day not even a minute passed before he left his office, drawing in hand.

_Just make sure it makes sense, Hyungwon._

Standing in front of the tattoo studio his heart was thumping furiously like every time that he arrived there, mind constantly scrambled and excited about what to expect.

Instead of knocking or ringing the bell he just pushed the door open, looking a little more formal because of a client meeting in the early morning. He was wearing tight, ripped jeans as usual but he had a black silk shirt on top, tailored to his body. His shoes were also not the comfortable kind.

“Did you forget something?” Hoseok’s voice sounded through the studio before his form appeared in the hallway, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. He was wearing a tight black t-shirt and black extra ripped jeans, showing the tattoo on his upper thigh. “Oh, it's you. Did something happen?” the other man asked in a worried tone, closing the distance in fast steps.

_Does something necessarily have to happen for you to come to him?_

“No, I missed you,” he replied softly.

_Hyungwon, that might be true, but you came for the tattoo._

An unreadable expression hushed over the handsome face, so fast that Hyungwon couldn't recognize what it was, before the other stepped closer, corners of the lips curling up in a beautiful smile.

“I kinda thought you needed space so I suffered here instead of coming over.”

Hyungwon frowned at the words. Hoseok had rather strange conclusions he preferred to draw which rarely fit with Hyungwon's perception of reality. He took off his jacket and placed it on the coat hanger, taking a closer look around the studio, checking for differences and other people.

“Just come over.”

“Now? But why? You're already here. I thought it was Changkyun, he left 20 minutes ago.” Hoseok chuckled and went to the fridge pulling out a bottle of water and emptying half of it in one go.

_Changkyun, that despicable human being._

“Why was that unpleasant person here?” Hyungwon asked and turned properly towards the artist after identifying a few new drafts.

“Unpleasant person, hahaha, yeah. He will work here starting tomorrow, so he got familiar with the arrangement and equipment and brought his machine. I thought he forgot something. Didn't expect that it was you.” The blue-haired man smiled again, shaking the water bottle at him in question. “Do you want something to drink?”

Hyungwon couldn’t help the sudden anger boiling inside and burning his fingertips. He felt the almost unquenchable need to bury his fingers into some kind of soft surface to get rid of the unpleasant sensation. An eye socket for example, maybe Changkyun’s.

“I don't want water. I want a tattoo and for that unpleasant person not to work here,” Hyungwon replied, clenching and unclenching his fist in the meantime. He tried to get rid of the not really explainable dislike but it was just there. Maybe Changkyun was simply an asshole and his brain knew.

Hoseok’s eyes widened in surprise, before a smile spread on his lips.

“Let me guess, is it a moon?”

Hyungwon couldn’t help the grin, taking out the drawing and holding it out towards Hoseok without answering. The artist already seemed to know his attachment to the drawings rather well. Somehow Hyungwon wanted to kiss the other man, but the desire came out of nowhere, without proper inducers and stimulators so he ignored it, biting his lip instead.

Hoseok was really beautiful, especially when he smiled.

A warm hand took the paper from him, sliding the thumb over his palm in the process, as Hoseok inspected his own drawing for a couple of seconds.

“I should stop drawing you. You'll become a canvas. My canvas.” The brown eyes stared right at his soul. “But I won't tattoo this one.”

The sudden stab at his chest came without a warning again, just his shoulders jerking shortly at the sensation.

“But I like being your canvas. Why not this one?” It was difficult not to feel down. It appeared to be like a rejection somehow, unpleasant and reminding him of all the times that he kept misunderstanding Hoseok and taking his time. Was this the point where the other man wanted him to go away again?

“I'll draw you a new one, free hand. Do you know what that means?” The eye smile reappeared and Hoseok stretched out his hand to stroke along his cheek lightly.

Hyungwon shook his head, definitely not knowing what that meant, but Hoseok said he would draw it and drawing was good. It meant that it would be coming from him and fulfil its purpose.

_It's him becoming a part of you again._

“That means that I'll tattoo without a draft. I'll draw it directly on your skin with the needle. It's kind of crazy and I've never done it for anybody else but myself, but I feel like it. Are you in?” Hoseok looked a little insecure but excited.

Hyungwon smiled brightly on purpose. He wanted the artist to continue being that happy and excited. There was always something incomprehensible in their late night meetings at the studio. In addition he loved the sound of the machine, always calming him down.

“Of course. Your canvas is all ready.”

Chucking Hyungwon just undid the buttons of his black silk shirt without much thinking, pulling it down his shoulders. After all Hoseok would need to decide where to put it, do the usual preparation and cream and what not. Probably.

“Where do you want it?” Hyungwon asked.

“I try to forget how beautiful you are, but you don't have mercy with me.” Hoseok closed the distance and roamed his fingers over Hyungwon’s body, sliding the digits along prominent veins and muscles before stopping right in front of his face. “I think it would look good on the underarm.”

Hyungwon just nodded, wondering if the touching was comparable to the last times he had gotten inked or whether Hoseok just really liked getting in contact with his skin. The artist tended to make it sound like Hyungwon was purposefully trying to make the other man's life more complex or challenging. He wasn't, it just seemed like his behaviour indicated that.

“I don't mean to torture you. Is there something I can do to stop making you feel that way?” he asked carefully, reaching out for Hoseok’s hand and curling his fingers around the other man's wrist.

“I like it you dummy. You better tell me why you want to get inked every three weeks.” Hoseok didn't remove the wrist from his grip and simply acted as if there was nothing special about it. Since there was no feedback Hyungwon didn't adjust his behaviour. The question on the other hand was more difficult to answer and thereby solve. The last time he had gotten the chest tattoo was partially due to the same reason, the wish to see the other man and have a reason to come see him.

_And that you want his art to be a piece of you. It speaks to you._

“There are two rather distinct answers to that question which hint at different thought pathways. Which one are you more interested in? There is a more rule based reason and an emotional one,” Hyungwon proposed and adjusted his jeans, disliking how they sat on his hips.

“All of them. Are you uncomfortable?”

Hyungwon looked down at himself in response, thinking about the question.

“Well, I sat most of the day but I have a preference for impossibly tight jeans so my dick was a little dissatisfied,” he elaborated and watched the way a single strand of hair fell slightly off on Hoseok's head, pointing into the opposing direction to its neighbours.

“And that's the reason for getting a tattoo, wow.” Hoseok chuckled but couldn't help moving the gaze down to his crotch and back up.

_Is he a little slow, Hyungwon?_

The other man had asked him a second question so of course it was the answer to that one. Efficiently one should always answer the easier question first. Hyungwon sighed and brushed his hair out of his eyes, letting the fingers run through it, beginning at the forehead.

“The first reason, the emotional one, is that I love engraving the meaning that you put on paper onto myself. Your art makes me feel something and therefore I wish to make you a part of me this way,” he began explaining, removing his hand from Hoseok’s wrist and gesturing with it.

_Especially since you are mentally unable to make him a part of you differently._

“The second, rule based one, is that I missed you and wanted to see you and needed a reason to come because I can't go anywhere without a reason. A properly argued and rational reason.”

“So that means you can also relate to me for not coming to the company, right?” Hoseok finished preparing the machine and gestured for Hyungwon to sit down on the tattoo chair. He did, crossing his legs and watching the other man. The reasoning wasn't quite clear to him. Hoseok had a lot of justifications to go to the company.

“Why? You had reasons to come.”

The other just shook his head and took Hyungwon’s arm, sliding over the skin as if drawing something. It was pleasant and fascinating to watch.

“You want a moon?”

“I want everything that you are willing to gift me,” Hyungwon replied and closed his eyes, focusing on the way the fingertips felt against his skin instead.

“Fine, don't cry later if you don't like it.” The machine started buzzing and the smile in Hoseok’s voice was exchanged with concentration.

Hyungwon ignored the comment and simply remained relaxed, focusing on the tactile perceptions around him and the way the sound of the machine gave his thoughts stability, allowing them to move in a more focused and precise way.

He felt impossibly glad that he was able to find a reason to see the other man, to be in his presence even if they didn't talk. It just felt right somehow, chest not constricting painfully and headache not burning at his temples.

_He really is a safe haven, isn't he?_

“What did you do today?” Hoseok asked while placing black dots under his skin.

Hyungwon built up a list of things he did in his head, sorting them chronologically and cleared his throat, focusing on the pleasant tingling under his skin that Hoseok evoked.

“I organised a new contract with an artist I wanted to recruit, reviewed a lot of new artwork, did a work in progress check of the new collection, ate lunch, organized the new promotional models, talked to several artists personally so they could present their work to me, met Minhyuk, finished going through my artwork review process, came here.” Going through his arrangement of events he was suddenly met with the realization that he had forgotten dinner, too focused on seeing Hoseok.

“Thank you for the report, Mr. Chae. Who's Minhyuk?” Hoseok couldn't suppress a small chuckle.

“A friend of mine,” Hyungwon replied. “Kind of.” He never really knew how to describe it. Friends weren't really something he had and only partially something he needed. Sharing interests was great but his friendships rarely lasted beyond that, arguing he wasn't ‘invested’ enough. It sounded like he was supposed to pay for having a person to share his interests with. Minhyuk was easier, he always had been.

“I don't really have ‘kind of’ friends. Only friends or other people. I've never seen him around, so I guess he's not from the company then. Did you have fun?” Shapes got clearer and the beautiful man graced him with one of his honest smiles.

“Not really, I mainly thought of you.” Hyungwon watched attentively, fascinated by the process of creation, not knowing what it would be and how it would look in the end.

_How it will make you feel._

Hoseok looked up at him shortly.

“I'm sorry, one is supposed to have fun going out.” The machine stopped buzzing and the artist stared at his underarm in thought.

“Minhyuk and me have a particular relationship. Friendships are supposed to be more in depth than that,” Hyungwon began and leaned his head back, looking towards the ceiling to reduce sensory input a little. “It's rather based on personal benefit and my inability to uphold social relationship properly.”

It was a little sad actually. Hyungwon didn't share his fascination for art with anybody.

“That sounds weird. What benefit would you have besides having fun and enjoying each other's company?” Hoseok leaned in and inspected the done work. “Ok, I'll need to do the rest by hand. Wait, I'll prepare the needle.” He walked over to the counter and started fumbling with a needle and tape.

“Sex, which is why it was so difficult to combine it with emotions. I never really did, Hoseok.” He couldn't help the slight desperation in his voice. After all the experience was new and scary. “Now I can't go back. I just think of you.”

It was silent for a long time before the other man turned around finally and walked over to him holding a needle covered in tape.

“Why? We didn't even have sex. Why would you think about me while doing it? I just don't get where the associations come from.” When Hyungwon looked back at the other man a strange smile hushed over the handsome face, as so often it was difficult to interpret.

“Well, how would _I_ know?” he muttered and sighed in exasperation.

If Hyungwon had known why his perception of something as simple and straightforward as sex had changed, he wouldn't have been thinking about it so much, trying to understand and being impossibly frustrated with it. Everything had been really organized before and now not even sex was orderly.

_You're just confronted with the constant desire to let go and you can't do that, Hyungwon. You ruin everything when you do._

“Sorry about that. Hope you can have sex without thinking about me next time.” Hoseok chewed on the inside of his cheek and started placing tiny dots on his skin with the small needle, without using the machine.

The beautiful artist wasn't really getting the point.

“But I don't want to have sex with anybody else but you. I'm just not sure what happened and what's going on. I'm so confused, Hoseok. How do you manage to remain so composed?” Hyungwon exclaimed and let his free hand run through the beautiful blue strands once before resting it at his side again. He even wanted to touch the other man constantly although he disliked extensive physical contact. What the hell was going on?

“I'm not composed,” the other answered, hissing at the loss of contact.

“But you're not losing your shit either. I feel like the ground is removed under my feet and I'm blindly trusting your hands around me to hold me in place and not let me drop. It's pretty intense and I tend to rely on myself.” Hyungwon stroked over Hoseok’s hair again because the reaction was interesting and he felt calm himself whenever he did that.

_And Jin. Maybe he can help you again?_

“I'm the Usain Bolt of losing my shit, Hyungwon. Fuck, you have no idea. I don't know what to do.” He leaned into the touch, while lifting the needle and exhaling softly.

“But you were constantly doing something, weren't you? I'm standing in place, not knowing where to go and this feeling scares me so much.” Hyungwon held his breath and lifted his fingers before placing them on the middle of Hoseok’s scalp, slowly sinking into the hair, applying a little pressure. He repeated the motion because it looked pleasant, watching the other man's face intently.

“Can't you-” The artist swallowed and concentrated his gaze on the underarm again. “Can't you just come to me then? When you don't know where to go,” the quiet voice spoke while the needle continued moving with Hoseok’s help.

_Can you?_

Hyungwon swallowed, unable to simulate the situation. He didn't know if he could, but maybe he could try? It seemed like a thought that required a lot of resources when he was lost. Usually he just froze in time until something familiar came around and pulled him out of the trance.

_Like Minhyuk last time._

“I don't know, Hoseok. I can try, but usually when I lose myself I'm just stuck, unable to think clearly. Just scared,” Hyungwon began and repeated the motion of his hand on Hoseok’s scalp. It was much easier to talk like that, focusing on the sensations at his fingertips. “And I need a valid reason to come to you. I won't be able to formulate one when I can't think. Is needing help a valid reason?”

_With Jin it is._

But Hyungwon tried to reduce the times he called his brother, too worried about being a burden.

“Well, I kind of wanted to write you a thousand messages but realized that I don't even have your phone number. You can always come to me. I don't even know if it's okay to say that but you told me that I was your safe haven. I thought about it and I want to be one.” The movements got faster, dots appearing continuously. The precision with which Hoseok had moved the needle was absolutely mesmerizing.

A sudden warmth spread in his chest, resembling the feeling he had experienced in a similar situation but still slightly different. It wasn't as painful and didn't fit the description of a stab, but it did feel like someone had his lungs in their palm and squeezed, burning sensation filling his body and his eyes. Something really wet made its way over his cheek and Hyungwon felt his nose clog up, discomfort forcing him to slide his free hand over his face instead of Hoseok’s hair. It was wet, a wet streak covering his palm and reflecting the light of the artificial lamp.

_Did you just cry, Hyungwon? Because he wants your phone number?_

His hand slid over his cheek again, not comprehending the intensity of his bodily reaction.

_No._

_Because he wants to be your safe haven._

  


***

  


“Mom, I think I’m in love.” Hoseok grabbed Shownu’s shoulders and started shaking him furiously.  
  
“That’s terrific, don’t tell me it’s the CEO guy, please.” The other man gave Hoseok a suspicious look.  
  
“I’m in love with someone who sorts his Kandinsky paintings according to shapes, Hyunwoo. You don’t understand how fucked up this is. He has three thousand rules for himself and none of them make sense. His whole life is a plan and I’m breaking everything and I hate rules and what the fuck is this? Why am I like this?” Hoseok threw his head back and groaned loudly.  
  
“Because you love suffering? But that means you’re not mad at Changkyun right? I wanted to ask him to work here to be honest. We need help and I’ve seen his stuff. He’s really good. I actually asked him, but I wasn’t sure how you thought about it.” The cute face lit up in a smile before he resumed. “And now that you’re dumb enough to like someone who’ll make you miserable as fuck you won’t have time for lingering feelings.”  
  
Hoseok thought about it and it was absolutely understandable from an objective point of view. He had stalked his ex-boyfriend’s instagram and saw his works. They were really good. Credit given where credit was due. The one time Changkyun had worked with him had been a lot of fun. The other had an amazing sense of humour and if there were no feelings left, then there was nothing that would have spoken against it.  
  
“Fine, he can take the third tattoo table next to mine. I’m really busy being confused and thinking about this whole mess in addition to the collaboration work at the company. He can also take some of my appointments maybe, so I have more time to draw.”  
  
_And spend time with, Hyungwon._  
  
It was hilarious. They had just agreed on liking each other and Hoseok was already half through planning their lives.  
  
_You’re an idiot, Hoseok. Liking doesn’t mean anything, just that he’s infatuated with you, now._  
  
“Oh god, I’m so relieved. I thought you’d kill me if I suggested it to you.” His best friend smiled and the eyes turned into crescent moons. He managed to look really cute despite his muscular body. “I still don’t like that guy, he’s weird. Wait, does he even like you? Did you have sex?” Hyunwoo gestured with a draft in his hand.  
  
_Sex? Would’ve been mind blowing._  
  
“Well no, no sex, but he said he liked me too and he also kinda...showed me? I believe him,” he muttered while typing a short message into his phone, for Changkyun to come over to get familiar with the studio if he wanted to work there and fuck off if he didn’t want to.  
  
“Good for you. You better not get dragged around. What’s with this strange infatuation? It’s more than weird. He’s basically the opposite of you, in a bad way. You need to have at least one thing in common, Hoseok!”  
  
“Art? Actually I have no idea. I don’t know him, I just like him. Ah, also he likes touching my hair. I like it too, it feels nice.” His best friend’s eyes widened impossibly and he started shaking Hoseok’s shoulders furiously.  
  
“What did he do to you, Bunny? Gay blowjobs can’t be so much better than the straight ones. How did he manage to fuck up your brain like this? You sound like a talking churro.”  
  
Hoseok would’ve said ‘with his fingers’, but it wasn’t quite true. It wasn’t only sexual but extremely complex.  
  
_You don’t even have his phone number, Hoseok._  
  
Hyungwon had told him that he didn’t like keeping people close and that he had never wanted to. Liking Hoseok didn’t necessarily mean the other was going to start wanting it now.  
  
_He said he needed space. Give it to him._  
  
It was a good idea for once. Hyungwon needed some space and Hoseok needed something to distract himself from the thoughts occupying his brain. His phone vibrated. It was a message from ‘Lucifer’.  
  
‘Of course I want to, babe. I love it how you say ‘go away’ and ‘come here’ in succession, gets me going. See you in 20 minutes. I want a coffee. Changkyun.’  
  
-  


It was really quiet after Changkyun had left. The atmosphere was much better when he visited this time although Hoseok hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the chaos anyway. The big eyed, black-haired chaos.

He had kept his resolution to give Hyungwon some space, drawing in the studio and setting everything up for Changkyun, so the other could start working soon. As always Hyungwon didn't care much about his resolutions, coming himself and wanting another tattoo.

_You'll tattoo his whole body if it goes on like this._

The other wanted the moon, but Hoseok had seen more of him, things he couldn't forget and expressions he wanted to draw, making the moon seem too meaningless and superficial. It was dynamic. It had to be something that expressed the way the other man changed when he was with Hoseok.

_Just take the needle and draw._

The last time he had inked free-hand was his own thigh and it wasn't very sophisticated. The wish didn't let him think and he ended up drawing on the golden skin of Hyungwon’s underarm.

The long fingers stroked over his hair while the other man was explaining that he couldn't stop thinking about him while having sex with someone who seemed to be a friend with benefits.

_Yeah, he had sex with this guy but told you he'd never let anyone touch him. Stop persuading yourself of something that's not there._

He couldn't help but feel bitter about it. Changkyun had made it clear that he wanted to continue being close and Hoseok had laughed about it and told him to work and not think about those things, while Hyungwon enjoyed himself. Apparently.

Talking about valid reasons to come to each other Hoseok had lost it, telling Hyungwon that he wanted to be his safe haven. He really did, he wanted to be that one special person.

_Oh don't shit yourself. Maybe you're just special cause you have blue hair. Stop imagining things._

The dots appeared faster as he tried to calm himself down when the hand disappeared from his hair and he looked up just to see that Hyungwon was crying.

Hoseok just stared at the big brown eyes sparkling and tears running down the other man's cheeks, leaving a thin, wet trace. It was overwhelming and beautiful. His muscles tensed and a familiar feeling spread in his insides, lungs not able to take in oxygen and throat dry, almost unable to move. Hoseok reached out with his index finger, letting a tear drop fall on the fingertip before pressing it against his lips. It was salty but also somehow sweet. Bittersweet.

_You must've said something that hurt him._

Closing the distance, he placed soft kisses along the wet trails, picking up the new tears with his lips until there were none left. His gaze slid over Hyungwon’s face, every little detail integrating into something breathtakingly beautiful.

Hoseok closed his eyes and kissed him, lips wet and salty but feeling absolutely inexpressible.

_Fuck, you're in love with him, Hoseok. What are you going to do now?_

It was too much, feelings and thoughts intertwining with the realization.

_Become that safe haven that he was talking about._

“Please do,” Hyungwon whispered against his lips, voice barely there and hands curling around Hoseok. The fresh ink on the arm touched his shirt, both black. “Somehow I feel free when I'm with you.”  
  
Thoughts were spinning in a circle, not letting him grab even one to get what was happening. The needle fell on the ground but he couldn’t care less. He was done anyway and the longing to be close washed over everything else like a wave. He hugged the thin waist, sinking down on his chair and pressing his forehead against the naked chest.  
  
“I’m sorry for making you cry. I really am. I don’t want to make you sad, I’m sorry.” He repeated the words, whispering them against the tattoo he had inked.

“I’m not sad,” Hyungwon murmured, large hand reaching for Hoseok's hair again, stroking over it. “I think I'm happy but it's sudden. I'm confused.”  
  
Hoseok looked up to catch the expression on the other man’s face, the way lights played on the skin when he moved was picture worthy.  
  
“Listen, I’ll be honest with you. I want you. Seriously, I just want you, be that person for you, your safe haven. Whatever you want me to be, just so you’ll stay next to me, okay? I’m in love with you. Don’t run away and don’t search for reasons to see me, just do.” Hoseok wanted to facepalm but it was too late. His brain considered it a good idea to empty a bucket of emotions into Hyungwon’s face, while the other was obviously confused and overwhelmed.  
  
_Great job, Hoseok._

Hyungwon's eyes widened, body freezing in position. The hands remained tight around Hoseok but the breathing pattern changed, not completely but it was a tiny bit too fast to be normal.

“Y-you love me? Now? W-why?” The other man was obviously shocked, stuttering and unable to formulate a coherent sentence, just staring at Hoseok, lips parting and closing again. He took a very deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut, exhaling just as slowly and stretching the air.  
  
_Row back. What were you even thinking? He has a sex relationship and whatnot and you’re sitting here telling him all this, why?_  
  
“I’m sorry, forget what I said. The tattoo is done. I’ll explain it to you if you want to.” Hoseok leaned back, crawling under the arms curled around his neck and put some space between them.

“Don't go,” Hyungwon muttered quicky but his eyes didn't really focus, looking around aimlessly.  
  
“I’m not going. I just didn’t want to confuse you. You look overwhelmed,” Hoseok commented, crouching on the floor next to Hyungwon, face right next to his knees.

“But you wanted to be my safe haven. Why are you leaving then? I need you.” Again the voice was a soft whisper as Hyungwon's hands reached out and touched whatever they could reach. “You asked me not to run away, but you are.”  
  
_Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._  
  
Hoseok lifted himself up before closing the distance and positioning himself between Hyungwon’s legs. He took the beautiful face into his palms and placed soft kisses against the forehead, nose and lips.  
  
“You’re driving me wild. Seriously.” 

The arms tightened around Hoseok’s waist, pressing him impossibly close and returning the kisses, eyes regaining some of their focused intensity with the way the other man looked at him.

“But how do I do all those things, Hoseok? I don't know,” Hyungwon whispered against his mouth and licked over his bottom lip, burying his head in Hoseok’s neck right after. It seemed so fragile, that construct of feelings and thoughts they had towards each other. He was afraid to break it with a wrong course of action.  
  
_Don’t be greedy._  
  
“You don’t need to think about it. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. I just wanted you to know how I feel about you, so maybe you can just come to me when you feel like it, without needing a particular reason and I’ll be around if you need me. Okay?” He smiled, brushing the black strands behind the small ear, fingers raking through the silky hair right after.

“That's what I meant, Hoseok. I want to do all those things. I want to not run away and I want to be with you but my brain still needs a valid reason otherwise it won't let me go. I want to do all that but I think I need help.” Hyungwon breathed a little faster, audibly distressed. “I can't really do things like this on my own, Hoseok. I'm much more dysfunctional than you think.”  
  
_Dysfunctional? He needs a valid reason?_  
  
“But is me wanting to see you not a valid reason? Want me to tattoo your whole body? Tell me an example so I can understand.” The warm skin felt so calming against his fingertips so he kept sliding his digits along the beautiful neck. The other man nodded slowly.

“But don't you need a reason to want to see me? The first time I came to recruit you, the second for a tattoo, the third to pick up your drawings and the fourth again for a tattoo. The last two times I needed to see you so I desperately searched for a justified reason. Something objective,” Hyungwon explained extensively, fingers pressing down in alteration on Hoseok’s waist.  
  
_Reasons? Since when did you need reasons, Hoseok?_  
  
“If I want to see you, then I see you. If I want to touch you, then I do. If I want to be with you, then I will. I don’t need reasons. The only thing I need is your consent.” Hoseok spoke from his mind without thinking much, his hands exploring the way the other man felt under his touch.

“You have my consent,” Hyungwon said quietly, hands becoming a little tighter around his waist, but probably the other man wasn’t doing it on purpose, judging by the distracted expression on his face. “But what am I supposed to do when I want to come? I need your phone number. Please give it to me.” Suddenly Hyungwon sighed as if he had found the solution to global warming, the fucked up political system and racism at the same time. “As long as I can call you I’m fine, because one calls when one has something to say, and I almost always have something to say. And then we can meet and I don't have to come up with reasons to see you in person.” He sounded so excited.  
  
“I’ll give it to you. You can just come here and jump me. I’m fine with that.” Hoseok chuckled, imagining the other man doing exactly that.  
  
_You’d even be happy about that._  
  
Hyungwon smiled brightly, biting down on the lip to reduce the immediate expression of his emotions. It was funny how he did it almost as soon as his lips spread widely.

“Okay,” he said cheerfully and closed his eyes, hugging Hoseok tightly before letting go again. “Explain the tattoo to me.”  
  
_Yes, explain it to him. He’ll probably choke you._  
  
“Remember we talked about how I drew you as the moon? This time I wanted to show the dynamics, the way I perceive you. It’s lunar phases. You can see it, there is the shade for the new moon, the crescent, the first quarter and the waxing gibbous. But no full moon. It’s because the picture is not finished yet. I will tattoo the full moon when I feel like I saw it.” Hoseok finished and waited for the hands on his neck.  
  
_He hates things that do not follow rules and you tattoo him an unfinished picture. Did you do it so he’d need you?_  
  
Not really. He tattooed it because it seemed as if Hyungwon didn’t show himself yet. Hoseok had seen a lot of facettes already but the full moon was not visible yet. He hoped to see it and ink it after that.  
  
You can’t tattoo something you didn’t see.

Hyungwon didn't say anything for several minutes, just looking at the way the black ink covered his skin and created a connected artwork of fine black dots. He let his index finger run over the skin around it, inhaling sharply.

“How can I make you see it?”

“Don't know. But I want to see it,” Hoseok whispered, staring at him, tension and unclear expectations tingling at his fingertips once again.

Hyungwon nodded and grabbed Hoseok by the waist, pulling him to the side so he could stand up.

“I like it, Hoseok. It's very you, whether that means something to you or not. For me that's exactly what I need,” he said and felt around in the pockets of his jeans, eyebrows pulling together and looking dissatisfied. When he didn't find what he was looking for he grabbed his backpack and looked through it until he found his phone, frowning at it.

“Would you mind if I call someone back? I got a call.”

“Uhm sure.” Hoseok stepped back, fear crawling up his limbs.

_What if you fucked up and he'll just go without coming back?_

Hyungwon sat down on the couch and dialled a number, pulling it to his ear and listening intently. A quick succession of words that sounded vaguely female spilled from the apparatus and the other man increased the distance between his phone and his ear, wincing shortly before just holding it further away as the words continued.

“Yes,” he answered after a while and the onslaught continued. It was difficult to tell whether Hyungwon was even listening with the way his eyes passed over Hoseok’s and Hyunwoo’s drafts, free hand pulling at a few loose strings of his ripped jeans. The pattern continued with short affirmations and a lot of words until the voice stopped and got rather careful. That's when the hand on Hyungwon's thigh stopped playing and buried itself in the muscles instead, as if he was sensitive to such variations, immediately translating them to bodily discomfort.

“I'll be forced to cancel dinner this week, but you'll be fine, right, Hyungwon honey? I'm purposefully telling you in advance so you can prepare my dear,” the female voice pronounced very clearly as Hyungwon just didn't react. “Please don't panic, Hyungwon and focus on something that you like, okay?” An awkward laugh followed.

“Okay,” the other man answered before the woman hung up on him but the way he looked didn't fit the description of someone who was ‘okay’ at all, hands cramped and body rigid although he had been relaxing on the couch just minutes ago. The large eyes just stared at nothing this time, not even the drafts. 

“Are you okay?” Hoseok walked over and crouched down to get a glimpse of Hyungwon’s facial expression. He obviously wasn't, just sitting frozen and breathing in and out irregularly. It looked rather scary how he didn't focus on a specific point, just on nothing, staring into space and lips slightly parted. Hoseok took his hands carefully, stroking the skin with his thumb. He had no idea what was going on. The other man seemed absolutely out of it.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

He didn't know. He just leaned in and lay his head on Hyungwon’s lap, breathing in and out carefully and not saying anything. Time passed without Hoseok noticing until the other man's hand loosened from the muscles of his thigh and slipped into his hair instead, raking through it carefully. A few more seconds faded into nothing before Hyungwon gasped suddenly, thumb stroking his cheek.

“Shit, you're so beautiful, Hoseok,” he whispered.  
  
“I want to know all the things that make you feel at ease,” Hoseok exhaled. He felt so helpless, not knowing what Hyungwon needed to feel good, to calm down and to feel safe. He wanted to be the safe haven, but had absolutely no qualifications whatsoever.

The black-haired continued the motion of his hand, humming shortly. It was probably to show Hoseok that he heard him and was aware of his surroundings again.

“Familiarity puts me at ease. You already calm me down better than most of the people around me, Hoseok. I genuinely enjoy your presence, even if you're unpredictable. Usually I wait it out until I'm okay again, attempting to reduce sensory input or to make one particular input especially strong,” Hyungwon explained calmly, fingers tugging at a few strands in a particular rhythm, once shortly and two times longer.

“I see. So are you ok again?” Hoseok lifted his head carefully and caught the other man's gaze.

“I'm not okay if I think about the gaping hole that is left where the dinner was supposed to be,” the other man answered, hair pulled more tightly with the words before he released it again. “But if I focus on you I'm fine. She did tell me to focus on something I like after all. I like you although you are not a thing.”

_At least you're not a thing. That's some serious relationship progress._

“Want to have dinner with me instead?” He smiled brightly at his own words.

Hyungwon froze for a few seconds, staring at him before a mirrored bright smile spread his lips widely.

“I would love to, Hoseok,” he answered, closing his eyes before exhaling gradually and opening them again.

“Amazing, just tell me what you eat and when it is. Let me put stuff on your tattoo.” He stood up, getting the supplies and kneeling down again, fingers rubbing the cream into the red skin. “It's midnight soon, so I guess you need to go.”

_Why do you pay attention to that, Hoseok? It's not your rule._

Hyungwon looked surprised, eyebrows lifting a little bit and pupils focusing on Hoseok’s eyes instead of the usual undefined spot, making the contact feel more intense although it didn't mean much with other people. The other man grabbed his face in his palms and kissed him on the mouth, followed by the nose and each eye.

“Thank you, Hoseok, thank you so much,” he said quietly and let go, hands resting calmly on his thighs as if nothing had happened.

_You'll die from a heart attack like this._

Hoseok gasped in surprise but caught himself after a second, closing his eyes and massaging the right temple.

“You're driving me nuts. Want me to take you home? I have the car parked around the corner. You wouldn't need to take a cab.” He stood up after putting the foil over the freshly inked drawing.

“Yes.”

“Then please put your shirt on because I'm dying on the inside.” Hoseok closed his eyes and exhaled sharply, images of Hyungwon in his bed flooding his brain.

_That happens if people randomly kiss you without a warning._

The other man just smiled at him and stood up, grabbing his shirt from where he threw it and pulling it over his shoulders, closing the buttons one by one with quick hand movements.

“But you got the rule a little wrong. I don't generally need to be home at midnight. It's just when I intend on drawing in the evening or my plans are related to drawing in some way. It’s a control for myself to not forget about everything else. Today I kept everything free after work so that I could see you,” he said with a grin and brushed invisible dust from his jeans. “Otherwise I couldn't get tattooed at 1AM like last time.

“What do you want to do then? Go home?” Hoseok smirked while licking over his lips once.

“I just want to be with you,” Hyungwon answered and brushed hair away from his forehead, fingers spread and moving to the back, just to let the black strands fall right back. He looked around the studio again until his eyes focused on the couch and he let himself fall on it.

“Okay, I understand that one.” Hoseok walked over and turned the coffee machine on, waiting patiently until it got heated up and he was able to make an espresso. He sat down next to Hyungwon and took a sip of the tasty brown liquid.

“Why did you come here back then? I mean three years ago? Seeing you now you're normally very composed and rule obeying. It doesn't really fit.” It was a question he had always wanted to ask the other man if he had the chance.

Hyungwon’s smile faded to a frown, lips slim and eyes glancing to the side in discomfort.

“I lost my shit basically. Couldn't draw after becoming CEO and felt lost. It was the only way I had to make sense of everything and it was suddenly gone.” A hand lifted to massage his temples. “I got desperate and thought my own inability to let go was keeping me from drawing so I got piss drunk but that didn't seem to have helped. Thoughts seemed clear but people still didn't make sense.” Hyungwon sighed before taking Hoseok’s cup of coffee and taking a sip before returning it to his hand.

“That was until I saw the drawing on the table. Everything around didn't really matter but that one drawing gave me the feeling that it expressed exactly what I felt, like -” The other stopped talking for a few seconds, closing his eyes and right hand lifting to stroke over his left shoulder. “Like you knew what I felt and drew it. It was the sign that there was still something expressive there. I needed it to be a part of me. But then there was also you, so expressive and emotions traceable. You were a little overwhelming.”

Hyungwon finished and opened his eyes, glancing at the ceiling with his head thrown back.

“It was basically me being unable to deal with my problems and deciding to lose control like an idiot,” the low voice murmured bitterly, teeth biting down on his lip before Hyungwon lifted himself a little and threw his long legs over the armrest, placing his head on Hoseok’s lap, eyes closed and hand removing the bangs from his forehead again. The lips released a breath slowly, parting a little, hand still in his own hair.

Hoseok wanted to kiss him. The desire was almost pressuring.

“I love it when you lose control,” he whispered, index finger tracing the form of the other man's plump lips.

“So do I and that scares me,” Hyungwon replied quietly and licked over Hoseok’s finger shortly before parting his lips in response to the contact, air leaving the straight nose a little quicker. “But I want it so much with you. Fuck my life.”

Hoseok lifted the other man's upper body from his lap and went directly for the red lips, licking over them and nibbling softly, breathing pattern becoming more irregular. His arms curled around the thin waist easily. The feeling of Hyungwon’s body flush against his own was absolutely addicting, just like the man himself.

“Make me lose control, Hoseok. I beg you,” the low voice gasped suddenly against his lips as arms circled his neck. The other sounded so desperate, fingers digging into the muscles of Hoseok’s shoulders, breath irregular and brown orbs focused on his.

_Holy fuck._

“Come with me. Come with me to my place.” He loosened his grip and caught Hyungwon’s gaze. “Shit, there's nothing I want more than to see you lose yourself.”

A hiss left Hyungwon's mouth and he licked over his lips quickly, pressing a pattern against Hoseok’s skin before nodding slowly, not shifting his gaze.

_Consent, check._

-  


The door closed and Hoseok was already pinning the beautiful black-haired man against the wall, licking into his mouth and a hand curling around the thin waist, pressing him closer to feel more.

_Shit, you're fucking addicted, Hoseok._

Hyungwon moaned into his mouth and grabbed his hair with both hands, hips pushing further into him and a leg curling around his hip. It was crazy. They didn't talk at all, only the bodies moved and entangled with each other.

Hoseok went for the smooth neck, sinking his teeth into the skin carefully, hands fumbling with the buttons of Hyungwon’s silk shirt, opening one after the other, having no patience and wanting to see and feel the golden skin under his fingertips.

“Mark me like you do with ink,” the plump lips gasped, head thrown back against the wall to give Hoseok access as the long fingers slid over his muscular back to pull at his t-shirt impatiently. The shirt was gone after seconds, Hoseok immediately pressing his body weight against the other man's chest, leaving tiny bite marks all over the neck and shoulder.

_Hoseok, this is fucking intense. How did you deserve this?_

“You're making me snap, holy fuck.” He moaned at the feeling of Hyungwon’s hot skin under his fingers and against his upper body, arm propping against the wall while lips and tongue worked their way from the ear lobe to the collarbones. The beautiful man kept turning his head from side to side, black hair in contrast to the wall and the golden skin, moaning and holding his arms loosely around Hoseok’s neck.

Both hands went behind Hyungwon’s thighs and he lifted the other up, firm ass pressing against his hips, before Hoseok pinned him against the wall again, holding the thighs in place and sucking on the plump lower lip in front of him. The other man hissed loudly at the action and tightened his arms around him, legs adding support and kissing him hungrily, as if he had been starving for the contact.

_You're both starving._

Hoseok needed to feel more, much more and preferably without useless fabric separating them. He moved towards his bedroom, kicking the door open in the process and let Hyungwon fall on the bed, crawling on top of him.

“I want you. Fuck, I want you so much I feel like dying,” Hoseok groaned, opening the button of Hyungwon’s slim ripped jeans and sliding them down the long legs, gasping at the sight.

_How are you going to hold yourself back like this?_

The other man watched him, eyes barely opened, soft eyelashes throwing a dark shadow on his cheeks and lips parted. The slim arms rested above his head, grasping the blanket in reaction to Hoseok’s ministrations, lifting his legs to aid in undressing him. The little marks that Hoseok had left on his skin looked mesmerizing, complementing the color of Hyungwon’s plump lips.

“I have never wanted to-” He was interrupted by a gasp. “T-to do whatever the fuck I want this much in my life.” A groan left the beautiful man’s mouth as the hands tightened further in the sheets and fisted it a little, teeth biting down on the plump lower lip, probably to suppress a moan that threatened to escape at the thought.

The pants flew to the floor and so did the underwear, Hoseok was leaving marks over the lean thighs, licking over them in the process.

“I will make you love it. I will make you addicted to doing whatever the fuck you want,” Hoseok moaned and continued the ministrations while remaining dressed. It was about Hyungwon, it always was.

The breathtakingly beautiful man moaned, legs spreading a little to give Hoseok more room to access his inner thighs and the knuckles were white from the effort with which the fingers held the sheets. The way Hyungwon held both of his arms above his head, out of the way, appeared so open and vulnerable.

_He keeps showing you._

Hoseok wanted to kiss every single spot on the beautiful body, to make him feel all that was possible. He crawled up, kissing the beautiful face, nose and forehead, licking over his neck and biting his shoulder, tracing the fine lines of the tattoo on his chest before sucking on a nipple and nibbling softly. Propping himself up on only one arm, Hoseok slid his index finger from the nose over the plump lips, opening them slowly, down to the jaw, neck and chest, following his movement with his eyes.  
  
“You’re so beautiful, wow.” He smiled and licked over his lips, body resembling a burning pit. A shaky breath left Hyungwon's lips as he smiled slightly.

“So are you. Kiss me,” he murmured and leaned forward to accept what he asked for, arms remaining in place. Hoseok closed the distance, shifting his body weight on his arms, biceps flexing at the movement and licked over the red lips and into the delicious mouth. The smell of cherry wood spread in his nostrils and he felt like flying.

“You set my senses on fire,” Hyungwon gasped into his mouth and let his head fall back to the mattress, goosebumps spreading over the golden skin. It was like a painting in progress, brush strokes appearing on the canvas. He continued his path crawling down the long body, placing kisses and little marks on the stomach, until he stopped between the other man’s legs, sucking on the tender skin of the inner thigh, close to the crotch. His bangs were hanging into his eyes, tickling the skin beneath him.

“Oh my god.” The slim hips lifted a little at the contact, legs spreading and black hair rubbing over the pillow from the intensity with which the other man threw his head to the side. “I feel so fucking much. It's overwhelming.”  
  
_Overwhelming? Good or bad?_  
  
He decided not to ask, and licked a stripe up Hyungwon’s beautifully straight erection, playing with his tongue-piercing at the tip while his hands tightened around the other man’s hips. The loud groan and the way the long legs shivered was sufficient positive reinforcement. The other man curled his left leg around him, strengthening his hold on Hoseok’s body and squeezing with every gasp that left his lips.  
  
“Grab my hair,” Hoseok groaned before he tightened his lips and slid down, tip hitting the back of his throat. Shit, he loved it so much it bordered on addiction. He could see Hyungwon nodding furiously from the corner of his eye before a hand tightened in his hair and pulled harshly, fingers threading through the strands.  
  
_Holy fuck._  
  
He let out a low moan that went right at Hyungwon’s dick moving in and out of his mouth. The way the other man was losing himself got Hoseok going. It was more intense than some blowjobs he had gotten before. The way Hoseok reacted to the Hyungwon’s face and body was simply crazy.

“Hoseok?” the low voice whispered, swallowing down a moan, and the pull on his hair got stronger as the leg around him loosened. He let the erection slip out of his mouth and looked up, gaze intense as he wasn’t able to control his lust driven expressions anymore. The other man's eyes widened and he bit down on his lower lip at the sight.

“Can I…,” Hyungwon began and trailed off, looking to the side, probably sensitive to Hoseok’s eye contact. He breathed in deeply before trying again. “Can I do what I showed you last time?”  
  
_Don’t scare him, Hoseok._  
  
He swallowed, trying not to look like a starved tiger hunting for prey.  
  
“You can do whatever the fuck you want, Hyungwon. I’m there for all of it.”  
  
Although you might fucking die. You didn’t even manage to stay seated as he told you to.

Hyungwon nodded slowly, getting up on his elbows and leaning his head back, breathing heavily. He was probably trying to collect his wits sufficiently to get ready.

“Just stop me if it gets weird, okay?” he asked after a while, lifting one leg over Hoseok’s head to slip off the bed, visibly shaky in his motor control.  
  
“Oh, don’t say that.” Hoseok threw his head back, breathing heavily. The thought and memories alone were sufficient to send his senses on overdrive. “You know why I still have my pants on, Hyungwon? Because I might just...nevermind. You’re so hot, don’t say that it’s weird. It’s driving me crazy.”

Hyungwon frowned a little before nodding again and stabilized his weight with the help of the wall, walking to the bathroom.  
  
Hoseok sat down on the edge of the bed, thanking his precautions for still having his pants on. It was scary, it really was, the way his body reacted to Hyungwon, especially when he was ‘losing control’ as the other man liked to call it. For Hoseok it was plain torture, sitting there and dying from the never ending lust and inhibition-control simultaneously.  
  
_But he will show you again, oh holy shit. You’re not ready._  
  
He wasn’t, but he would take everything Hyungwon was willing to give and show him because it made him feel.

_Special. It makes you feel special._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm fucked. Well, actually I'm not and I'm not going to be and that might become a problem."

**CHAPTER 12**

 

It was fascinating how Hyungwon had the ability to stay calm and collected next to one person but abandon all of his resolutions as soon as he was close to another. His plans and intentions when it came to Hoseok hadn't been fully developed and hadn't involved many set points except for the desire to see the other man and get a tattoo. Hyungwon had easily satisfied those by coming to the tattoo studio, black ink covering his under arm in a beautiful depiction of the stages of the moon.

He couldn't wait for the day Hoseok would tattoo the full moon on his skin.

_Because that means he's seen all of you. You want him to see._

_Because that means he would have stayed to see it all._  

Maybe he had been overwhelmed, too affected by the presence of the other man and the way he could make him feel to come to a rational decision, letting his emotions get the best of him.

_And your desire to abandon your control around him._

The more time passed the less Hyungwon felt like he had the mental ability to deny himself the thoughts and wishes that haunted him. He desired to let go, memory of the blissful raw emotion without a single thought like a forbidden drug that he desired.

_That's how you know that it's actually bad for you, Hyungwon. You lose the sense of who you are, just like a meltdown._

Just that meltdowns involved a strong feeling of helplessness and left havoc. Losing control didn't do that when he was with Hoseok. The artist was special and Hyungwon couldn't help but abandon control and place himself into the other man's open palm.

Seeing Minhyuk several hours prior only made it worse, realizing the behaviours that he wished were his but unable to act accordingly. He simply couldn't let himself.

_Maybe that's why you came here, ready to show him again._

It felt a little strange to be naked in a rather unfamiliar bathroom as Hyungwon dried himself from the shower and let his hands roam through his semi-wet hair. He hadn't been able to keep all the drops away, moisture sticking a single strand to his forehead. He brushed it away and attempted to collect his resources, body screaming at him and opposing his brain.

Taking another deep breath he left the bathroom, letting himself fall on the mattress, feeling how it threw him into the air a little, body weight not enough to remain in place. The realization of what he kept desiring to do knocked at his consciousness again and he wanted it to disappear so badly, Hoseok’s presence always achieved that.

“I can't believe that I'm about to show you again. I'm going to lose my fucking mind, oh god,” he murmured and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist desperately, fingers digging into the warm skin and seeking comfort. He buried his head in the other man's arms and chest and sucked in the scent, breathing heavily.

Hoseok's breathing pattern reminded him of a broken engine, harsh exhale, then no exhale at all, sucking in air and letting go immediately. Strong fingers raked through his hair tenderly. The action was in strong opposition to the other man's state.

“Thank you so much. I'm going to burst not being able to touch you, but I have my pants on so I won't do anything to you. You don't have to be scared,” the low voice whispered next to his ear.

Hyungwon swallowed, fighting the contradicting desires in his head, squeezing his eyes shut and only focusing on the scent and the warm pale skin against his.

_You can do this, Hyungwon. Let go._

He let go and sat up, stroking over Hoseok’s hair once before breathing out and smiling slightly at how crazy the whole situation was.

“Ehm, you can touch me if you want to, just- ehm, just don't listen to me,” be barely managed to articulate and groaned at himself and his inability to talk when he was affected. Talk reasonably and rationally that is.

The other man looked confused.

“I can touch you but I can't listen to you? How am I supposed to know what I can do and what not?” Hoseok buried his fingers into the clothed thighs.

The beautiful blue-haired kept thinking that he was the problem although he wasn't.

“It's up to you what you want to do. I just don't want you to do something simply because I told you to in my confused state,” Hyungwon breathed out and hoped it made sense, since the tingling spreading along his legs wasn't helping him concentrate.

“Let me do it.” Hoseok's intense gaze returned, piercing through his insides. “I won't do anything else. Just let me do it instead of you.”

_Oh god._

Hyungwon's eyes widened automatically. He couldn't help it although he knew that Hoseok almost always had a negative reaction to that, assuming something that was mostly inaccurate.

He had never let anyone else do that for him. Shit, he hadn't even told anybody that he did it, impossibly sensitive and losing his mind.

“Listen, just grab my hair and if you pull me I'll stop, okay?” Hoseok crawled closer to him, face only a couple of centimetres away. Eyes immediately jumped over the features of the artist’s face, pale skin, curled corners of the mouth and intense eyes.

_You can trust him, Hyungwon. You did it so many times already. You felt in your hand how much he enjoyed you being like this. He isn't lying._

The fear was almost drowning his lungs in gasoline, oxygen unable to pass through the mental blockade as he let his right hand glide through the blue strands and nodded despite everything.

Hoseok reached for the black drawer, getting out the lube and rubbing it between his fingers, crawling on top of him and propping himself up on one arm. Kisses covered his nose and lips, tongue licking inside his mouth, while he felt the other man's finger circling around his entrance. Hyungwon tensed, fear almost choking him, body burning from lack of air.

“Kiss me. I'm scared,” he whispered, and closed his eyes, begging his mind to finally let him go, to free him from his constant mental restraints. Hoseok stopped the movements of his hand, lips parting and the pierced tongue sliding into Hyungwon’s mouth, teasing the upper lip and soft shaky breaths hitting his skin.

He threw himself into the sensation, trying to refocus his attention and moaning into Hoseok’s mouth. Letting his right hand slip into the beautiful blue hair he pulled, trying to force his body to take over and think instead of him, to just melt and lose consciousness.

“Take my hand, do it yourself but with my hand,” Hoseok whispered into his ear.

Hyungwon nodded, almost completely numbed by the fear. His shaky hand reached for the other man's, squeezing it once before he spread his legs properly, closing his eyes and forcing himself to focus on the actions.

_You just need to start and you'll be gone, Hyungwon. Just do it._

“O-okay,” he breathed out and felt for one of the lubricated digits of Hoseok’s hand, listening to the other man's breathing instead of the way his heart thumped in his ears. He forced himself to breathe out slowly and relax his muscles as he pushed at the digit of Hoseok’s hand, gasping at the way it was thicker than his own, eyelids closing almost automatically. Finding the right spot was a little more difficult with someone else's hand. He breathed in again, holding his breath and tried to focus and find the spot. He couldn't really curl the artist's fingers for him.

Hoseok helped, curling the finger and pressing up while licking into his mouth. Hyungwon screamed almost immediately, letting go of his hand and biting his lower lip, lower body set ablaze with the fire that he desired so much.

“Oh god, oh god,” he mumbled and squeezed his eyes shut, unsure of what to do because he wasn't the one in control. “Please, just- I-”

Hoseok moved immediately, sliding the finger out and back in, curling it inside him, biting into his shoulder and moaning in the incredibly low voice. The last thread of control that Hyungwon had been holding onto left him, body burning with pleasure unexpectedly, unable to influence when it would hit him, hands thrown above his head and out of the way and unrestrained sounds leaving his lips. Everything formed into a coil of desire around him, abandoning the feeling of his limbs except for the constant spikes that Hoseok’s hand sent through him. It was mind blowing and Hyungwon feared that he would lose consciousness.

“Let me make you feel even better,” Hoseok groaned into his ear, sliding a second finger inside him, immediately hitting the spot and moaning loudly at the way his body convulsed under him. It was impossible to think anything coherent, just the wish to be as close as possible to the man above him continuously overwhelming him, eyes only half opened and senses burning from the input, throat rough from the screams that left his mouth.

“I- I might lose consciousness,” Hyungwon gasped before throwing his head to the side, electricity spreading from his groin to his legs and chest, little spots of light appearing on the sides. “Slow down.”

Hoseok’s movements became slower but more precise. The familiar face disappeared from his sight slowly and he got surprised at the wet lips closing around his erection.

_Oh dear god._

It was difficult to breathe, each moan forcing him to forsake inhaling air and just gasping it out instead. He wanted Hoseok so much it was almost painful.

“Oh god, Hoseok, I want you to fuck me so bad. I'd just fucking die in your arms,” he managed to squeeze out of his lips before screaming and throwing his head back again.

Hoseok sucked up to the tip, letting go for a split second.

“I want to fuck you, but I won't. I want you to grab my hair and come down my throat.” The other man put Hyungwon’s leg over his shoulder. The red lips closed around his dick and Hoseok started moving his fingers faster, deepthroating him and groaning over the tip.

Everything was blurred, barely recognizable as he stretched out his hand desperately until it touched silky texture, sand-color and blue mixing into a mesmerizing entity in his eyes. He threaded his fingers tightly into the hair and pulled hard, body convulsing and letting go, everything turning black for a few seconds.

The next thing he perceived was the movement of the mattress as Hoseok threw himself next to him, breathing harshly. His senses were turning back on slowly.

_You must have lost a few seconds._

“Holy fucking shit. You're a drug,” the low raspy voice groaned next to him. Hyungwon took a deep breath before answering and swallowed, not trusting his voice. Everything was still a blur.

“Sorry for telling you to slow down, but I blacked out before,” he murmured, hoping it didn't weird the other man out. Minhyuk had seemed rather confused when Hyungwon had asked inconspicuously if the other knew anyone like that, unfamiliar with such experiences because Hyungwon was the epitome of self control around him.

_You're just meant to lose your shit as a punishment apparently. Like the lollipop through the bars of the cage._

“I'll do everything you want. You basically own me.” Hoseok lay on the bed and closed his eyes, obviously trying to get himself under control again, pants really tight at the crotch. The sight turned more and more sharp as the seconds passed.

_He's wrong._

“I think it's the other way around, Hoseok. You're capable of making me lose myself. I'm completelycompetently unaware when you do that. I'm all yours,” Hyungwon whispered and let his flat palm run from Hoseok’s naked chest to the clothed erection.

The other man chuckled shortly.

“You dummy. The way you lose yourself, I'm addicted to that. I keep wanting to see it, like a crazy person. You're so hot, holy shit.” A hand brushed back the white-blue bangs from the pale forehead, tiny drops of sweat covering it.

Hyungwon watched him for a few seconds until the familiar tingling spread along his legs, affected by the attractive sight.

He wanted Hoseok to feel good and to do whatever the fuck he wanted.

“Fuck my mouth. Now,” he breathed out and bit down on his lower lip, glancing at the ceiling shortly to calm down a little after losing his fucking mind.

“Do I have to undress myself?” Hoseok smirked while his hand slid from his hair over the neck, the nipple piercing and toned abs.

Shit, Hoseok was really attractive. Maybe that was also a reason for losing all sense of control around him.

“That's up to you,” Hyungwon replied and licked his lips, sinking down from the bed and kneeling in front of the edge. “Come here.”

The muscular body moved like a snake, stopping in front of him, still wearing his pants and a hand moved through his hair.

“Fuck me up.”

Hyungwon smirked in return and leaned forward pushing the button open with his tongue and pulling down the zipper with his teeth. He only used his hands to get Hoseok’s huge erection out of the constricting fabric, pulling it a little lower before licking over his lips again and opening his mouth widely. He was pretty good at this and wanted to make Hoseok feel some of the control loss, even if he probably couldn't fit everything.

“Go ahead then.”

Hoseok took the erection and slid the tip over Hyungwon’s bottom lip, biting down on his own in the process before pushing himself in slowly, trying out how far he could go, moaning roughly, voice still strained from deepthroating Hyungwon before.

Flattening his tongue against the underside of the other man's dick, Hyungwon looked up, watching his reaction and relaxing his throat, making sure Hoseok could move far, lips remaining tight, sucking when possible. The artist was more than beautiful. He could have watched him for hours.

“My endurance is shit after almost coming at the way you felt around my fingers. Shit, I wanted to fuck you so badly.” Hoseok threw his head back while a hand raked through Hyungwon's hair and grabbed it tightly.

_You also wanted him to fuck you. You even said it, but he didn't, as he promised._

Hyungwon hummed in agreement, unwilling to interrupt the pleasure for the other man by talking. He placed his hands against Hoseok’s ass, pushing him to encourage the artist to go faster if he wished, loving the way he reacted. It sent soft spikes through his body, a pleasant surprise after the previous intensity.

Hoseok started moving faster, loud groans filling the acoustic space. It was intense as the other man moaned while looking him directly in the eyes, blue bangs framing his forehead before he came with a groan of Hyungwon’s name.

_You want him. You want him so bad that it's scary._

He didn't dare look away, staring right into Hoseok’s eyes as he swallowed and sucked his way back up before releasing the other man's dick with an unintentionally lewd sound. Waiting for him to catch his breath Hyungwon kept up the eye contact, as long as he felt capable of doing so. The other didn't look away even once, sinking down on the knees in front of him and parting his lips with the pink tongue. Hyungwon opened his mouth completely in response, closing his eyes and curling his arms around Hoseok’s neck. Shit, this was simply crazy. He should have returned to his senses already.

_Maybe you want this independent of losing control._

“Shit, I'm so hooked Hyungwon. What am I supposed to do?” the other man breathed against his lips, curling the strong arms around Hyungwon’s waist.

_You would sign your whole name under that statement. What are you supposed to do, Hyungwon?_

“Stay with me?” he tried carefully. After all that could be a solution if Hoseok desired to be with him. The desire was mutual in addition to being possible.

“Will you let me? I mean, do you want this? What do you want?” The stabbing gaze returned while Hoseok was waiting for his answer. Hyungwon focused on the area between his eyes, breathing hotly against the lips of the other man.

“Yes, yes and you,” he replied, kissing Hoseok briefly before letting go and sitting down on his shins, breathing quietly and closing his eyes to figure out the mixture of emotions in his head. He needed to draw soon, express some of it to make it understandable or at least to externalize it.

“But you said that words don't mean anything to you.” Hoseok tried to look at him between kisses.

_Of course that was meant to come and bite you in the ass someday, Hyungwon._

“That's because people lie. I don't. In addition I have shown you with actions too when you asked me to. Was it not enough for you?”

“You did lie, about the tattoo. But it is enough. I'm just jealous.” A shy smile hushed over the pale face and Hoseok stood up looking for his clothes. “Let me make you a coffee or tea or whatever you drink at 2AM. You'll get cold with that body of yours.”

_Jealous?_

Hyungwon felt a little uncomfortable because of the lie. Hoseok was right. He had lied because he had wished to protect his loss of control.

“I lied because I was afraid to admit that it was a time when I lost control. I'm not lying about how I feel for you because a lie would be to deny it. To protect myself,” he explained and stood up as well, not bothering with his clothes because he didn't really care. He hated clothes. “Why are you jealous?”

There was no one else that had seen Hyungwon like that so there wasn't rally anybody that had something that Hoseok didn't.

_Except for your phone number._

Hyungwon didn't hesitate long before reciting the digits and sitting down on the bed, glancing towards Hoseok. The other ignored his question and pulled clothes out of his closet. Two white shirts and two pairs of sweatpants, black and grey. After putting everything on without bothering with underwear Hoseok sat in front of him, sliding his legs through the fabric and pulling the shirt over his head. It felt rather intimate and Hyungwon had to look to the side, swallowing down any remarks.

“I can't concentrate when you're naked. My brain feels like mush.” A huge smile graced the handsome features and Hoseok placed a kiss on his lips shortly. He was so beautiful, outside and inside.

The clothes were okay from the fabric so Hyungwon didn't comment on them. He just repeated the digits again because the other man hadn't reacted and Hoseok needed to write them down at least. That way he could be less jealous because he would have everything that other people had. Everything and more.

“Are you trying to give me your number, Hyungwon?” Hoseok chuckled and walked out of the bedroom, fumbling with something in the living room.

“Of course,” Hyungwon answered. “You said you are jealous and that's the only thing that you don't have. Now you have everything of me and more.” He smiled, letting his hands run over Hoseok’s sweatpants. They really felt nice.

“You don't get it, but it's fine. What do you want to drink? Are you hungry?” the voice yelled from the other side of the apartment.

_You forgot dinner, Hyungwon._

“Ehm, I haven't eaten dinner yet, so I guess I should eat,” he remarked and followed Hoseok, seeing an unknown room and pausing at the door, peeking in slowly at first to get a feeling for the kitchen. He went through each cupboard and each piece of furniture, touching the table carefully and letting his hand slide along the fridge.

“Explain what you meant. Why are you jealous?” Hyungwon asked when he finally felt comfortable enough, standing in a foreign kitchen in foreign clothing.

_Amazing that you haven't lost your shit yet. In the form of a meltdown._

“I don't wanna. What do you eat?” Hoseok turned around and pulled him closer, grabbing the seam of his shirt.

_What?_

Hyungwon froze, sudden movement catching him off guard and discomfort spreading. The lack of an answer only added up to the pressure that built in his chest. His fingers cramped in whatever position they were, holding onto Hoseok’s t-shirt automatically. His mind went blank.

“Did something happen? Are you okay?” Strong arms curled around him, spreading warmth. Hyungwon shook his head to let the other man know that he might require help. He focused on the warmth and breathed in slowly, eyes closing to reduce the sensory input. Hoseok pressed him impossibly close and didn't move, there were just breaths hitting his neck regularly.

Time passed and patterns became clearer, Hoseok’s hair turned from the familiar mixture into defined white and blue lines. He inhaled, exhaled and hugged the other man back, placing a kiss on his head.

“You don't have to tell me. I'm sorry for overreacting. You caught me off guard.”

_Of course people have difficulties dealing with you if you overreact like that. Don't forget that not everybody has to explain stuff to you. You're a fucking adult, Hyungwon._

“It's just embarrassing and I don't want to put you under pressure. I'm sorry for talking about it in the first place. So what do you eat?” Hoseok looked shy, it was a first.

Hyungwon smiled to be reassuring.

“I don't really know shame so you don't have to be embarrassed with me. The only reason I don't run around naked and say fucked up stuff is that my family forced at least a little bit of social conduct on me,” he explained and couldn't help the laugh. It felt so weird to recognise such an uncommon emotion on the other man's face. Hyungwon couldn't suppress the happiness and excitement that spread through him. “I like fish, meat, also some veggies that aren't orange and fruit, also not orange.”

“Steak? I basically live off steak.” Hoseok turned to the fridge but it looked more like he didn't want to show his face.

“I like steak,” Hyungwon replied, stroking over Hoseok’s shoulder and arm because he didn't know how to make the other man less uncomfortable. It was a little strange and unusual. “Hug?”

“Medium?” Hoseok started fumbling with plates and a pan before he froze all of the sudden and turned around, staring at Hyungwon, gaze intense and expression serious.

“I want you for myself, Hyungwon.”

_He wants you for himself?_

The other man's face was determined and the eye contact was sufficient to comprehend that there was more to the utterance than the literal meaning, something especially important to the artist. Hyungwon tried to built up several interpretations. The literal one was that Hoseok wanted him to be his, which was a little like ownership and illegal since slavery was forbidden. Therefore it must have been a non literal one.

_He doesn't want to share you._

But with whom? Hoseok was the only one that had seen this side of him, the emotional and vulnerable side, losing control and giving himself up for the other man. The artist was the only one who knew his forbidden side.

_But he said that he likes you, Hyungwon._

His eyes widened again, realization hitting him as the concept finally became apparent..

_Exclusivity. Like in a relationship._

“You want to be in a relationship with me?” Hyungwon asked finally, hand still remaining on the arm and tightening a little, focusing on the eyes to show sincerity. Hoseok needed to know that he understood and was serious about this.

The other nodded slowly, intensity fading and making room for something else. Hyungwon couldn't recognize the expression, feeling uncomfortable and trying to figure out how he felt about that. Hoseok wished to be with him? In a loving relationship? Somehow that was a little difficult to believe although Hyungwon knew that it was true. Everybody kept telling him that he wasn't invested enough and would just hurt others. Would that be any different with Hoseok?

_But do you want to be with him, Hyungwon?_

He sucked at simulations, unable to understand whether he would want to see Hoseok everyday, spend time with him, only sleep with him and share food. That were the concepts he identified in other people.

“Forget about it. So is it medium?” Hoseok smiled and turned around, getting the meat out of the fridge.

“Wait, let me finish my thought. I need a while to understand what I feel and want. Don't just assume an answer without letting me think about it,” he muttered, holding onto Hoseok’s arm still and tightening the grip of his fingers even further. “I just don't know if you're willing to deal with me. I'm a social mess.”

He was. He didn't know if he was willing to do all those things, unable to imagine what it would be like, but he did know that he missed the other man and wanted to be around him, willing to give up control and let him see. That was more invested than he had ever been previously.

“If you want me like this...and I fully understand if you don't…then yes,” he answered eventually, worries crawling up his skin and preparing his mind for rejection. Prepared rejection was always easier to deal with than unprepared rejection. That way he could be upset for a while and be out of it but not have a mental breakdown. That would be good. He swallowed.

“If I want you like this? I've never wanted anything more than you. I know it doesn't make sense. We can't even communicate properly and we are so different. I have no idea what you're thinking or what you'll do next, whether you'll just leave me because I violated some rule I don't know about. I'm fucking scared but I want you, Hyungwon.” The expression on the other man's face was vulnerable, eyes sparkling and tongue licking over his lips repeatedly, as if he was extremely nervous,. An arm curled around his waist, clutching to his side as if Hoseok was honestly afraid he would leave.

Hyungwon swallowed and returned the hug, hands stroking over the other man's shoulders and back, worried about how to express himself such that it came across.

“I have never really wanted to be with someone, Hoseok,” he began, taking another deep breath. “But I think you are the first. I want you too.”

A small smile appeared on the handsome face and Hoseok lifted a hand to brush a strand of his black hair behind the ear.

“Well you can try. It's not only me handling you but also you handling me. I'm chaos and I have no experience in functioning relationships. I dated before but it was all kind of mental to be honest. So I- I don't know, I just keep wanting you more every passing second and my mind goes blank.”

Hyungwon smiled, remembering his own high school experiences like the girl he had dated because she asked and that he never talked to again after she had the ingenious idea to kiss him.

“I dated before but mainly because I had no idea what that meant and ended up hurting people. I hope I won't hurt you. I really like you, Hoseok. I never hurt people on purpose. I just have this thought and it totally makes sense and then I say it thinking ‘wah this is awesome’ but then someone cries and I have no idea what happened. It's a mess.” Hyungwon chuckled and took another breath, realising that he just relaxed and threw his verbal thought vomit at Hoseok.

_Well you're starting out nicely with this whole thing. Not._

“I want to show you something.” Hoseok’s eyes widened impossibly and he ran to the living room, removing one of his own drawings and pulling another one out that was placed under it, not visible for anybody else. He walked back while staring at it and looked up.

“I drew you. The only person I ever drew. I mean like a real face.” He stretched out his hand with a piece of paper with a small drawing on it, black and white. It was him, light hair, big eyes, pupils blown and a small smile on his plump lips. It felt a little strange to look at a younger version of himself, one that he had preferred not to think about. The picture made him realize that he had never drawn himself. The features were familiar but only because he vaguely knew what he looked like, no definitive idea he could have drawn.

“It's beautiful and your drawing style is very realistic here. It's kind of intense because it's me. No one has ever drawn me except for a street artist who made a caricature cause my dad thought it's funny. I cried,” Hyungwon said as he kept staring at the drawing. It still felt strange to look at himself, expression a little unfamiliar. Why did he have a small smile? Was it because he enjoyed Hoseok’s presence?

_Now you're even trying to identify your own emotions._

“That's how you looked like after I told you to draw for me. I really liked it. But I never draw faces, or people. You're special to me too.” The last sentence was almost a whisper leaving the lips that were curled in a smile.

Hyungwon hated words. They had already used too many of them and the burning he felt in his chest at the other man's drawing couldn't be explained with simple sounds, cut apart into fragments and only meaningful in combination. He grabbed Hoseok’s wrist and pulled him towards himself, one hand curling around the hips and the other threading through the beautiful blue hair, kissing him intently.

_You really like him, Hyungwon, keep showing him._

He added intensity, nibbling on Hoseok’s lower lip and pulling him completely flush against his chest, breathing in his scent before gasping against the parted lips, corners curling upwards like a crescent moon. It was beautiful, so damn beautiful.

“Thank you for showing me that. It meant a lot to me. I want to draw you again,” Hyungwon whispered after calming his heart a little, but still unwilling to let Hoseok go.

“You're mesmerizing. You are the most beautiful state of chaos I've ever encountered. Thank you for being with me.” Hoseok placed soft kisses all over his face, taking time and looking him in the eyes prior to the lips touching his skin. “And now I’ll cook you a steak so you don't starve.” He turned around, obviously unwilling to let go, left the drawing on the table and started fumbling with kitchen tools.

They ate, mostly in silence and Hoseok looked a little sad while Hyungwon changed from the sweatpants to his ripped jeans, preparing to head home.

“I'll drive you.” The other man grabbed the car keys and waited for him to follow.

Hyungwon wasn't quite sure why the artist appeared dissatisfied, especially after a positive reply to his wish for an exclusive relationship. Hoseok must have had more ideas of what it meant for him concerning changes in behaviour, but Hyungwon was keeping himself from thinking about it, fear sinking into his bones just at the visual image of his schedule and how it would change. He smiled for reassurance, hoping it would extinguish some of the sadness on the beautiful man’s face.

“Thank you,” Hyungwon answered simply and prepared himself to get to know the other man's car, hoping extensively that it wasn't orange.

It was blue.

He released the breath he had been holding in relief and smiled again, climbing into the passenger seat and looking at the details and personal items he could identify. But there were none. Not even a jacket or a stray picture, a tree for nice smell or a key chain. Absolutely nothing.

_How the hell are you supposed to recognise it?_

Hyungwon panicked a little, desperately trying to find something while Hoseok entered the car and got comfortable. Unknowing of what else to do the long fingers pulled a piece of paper from his backpack and a pen. He began drawing, going with what he felt and what seemed appropriate. It was an eye, Hoseok’s eye, transition fluent into the texture of the post it that he was drawing on. Once he finished he put it to the front, immediately feeling more comfortable and sighing in relief again.

“What are you doing, Hyungwon? Are you marking my car or something?” Hoseok started laughing while starting the engine.

“Yeah, because there is nothing personal. How am I supposed to know that it's yours otherwise?” Hyungwon answered and got comfortable, closing his eyes and listening to the regular noise of the engine.

The trip was fast and once the car stopped he did the usual, waving shortly and smiling as he said goodbye. It had been a long day and although he had been stable and calm around the other man (at least mostly) he needed some time on his own to think about what had to be changed. The realization alone was numbing, chest constricting and panic filing his veins.

He ran up the mass of stairs quicky to cheat his body into believing that the hyperventilating was due to physical exercise, opened the apartment door and undressed. The moment his naked body hit the mattress of his bed, eyes squeezing shut and familiar scent filling his nose, was deeply calming.

_You still need to change it, Hyungwon._

The other man was going to desire to spend time with him regularly, possibly also spontaneously and Hyungwon would have to be open to that and create free space. He would also have to stop seeing Minhyuk, abandoning a habit that he had kept up for four years. It was scary. Scary wasn't even strong enough to describe the aversion that the necessity of change evoked.

Hyungwon was terrified, breath stuck in his throat and chest constricting at each thought and realization that fed the panic, cage growing and pillars thickening, freedom still visible but further away from his outstretched fingers.

_You have to, Hyungwon. You like him._

The silence was broken by the breath that Hyungwon released for several seconds, performing his exercise and hoping it would work. It did a little bit, head clearing sufficiently to open his eyes and glance at the various paintings of the sea surrounding his bed. The desire to rake his hands through Hoseok’s hair filled his fingertips.

_He's your safe haven, Hyungwon. You have to change._

He really hoped that he could.

 

***

 

Hoseok was happy. Partially at least. Hyungwon had told him he considered a relationship, changing his habits and trying to fit into Hoseok’s expectations, which consisted of the other man being around and wanting to be close.

_You really like him don't you, Hoseok?_

He did. Walking into the studio the next morning at ten was especially hard since he had come home at 2AM and fell asleep at 4AM, strangely disappointed but also excited.

_What did you expect? It's Hyungwon. Just be happy he didn't run away after you told him that you were in love with him._

That was indeed true. The other had reacted pretty calmly for his standards, explaining his thoughts and telling Hoseok that he wanted him too.

_Whatever that might mean._

Shownu wasn't at the studio but he heard fumbling at the printer, spotting the short black-haired man printing something in the back. He almost forgot that Changkyun had his first day working. He walked over and greeted the other warmly which granted him a hug he hadn't expected from the younger man.

“Why are you so late? I thought you'd welcome me and everything and I had to get the key from Hyunwoo instead. What is this treatment?” Changkyun pouted cutely. The other was really affectionate.

_He always was. Maybe it was the reason for falling in love with him back in the days._

It was true, Changkyun had always been very open minded and showered Hoseok with attention and affection, making it really hard to resist.

“Sorry, I was up until early in the morning. Do you have appointments already? You're fast!” Hoseok couldn't help but let out the amazement at the other man's rapid actions, getting ready in a matter of days and already having a couple of clients.

Changkyun grinned and flipped back the black bangs.

“Sure, I'm famous. What did you think? What did you do until late in the night? Had a guest?” The grin turned into a smirk and he stepped closer.

“I didn't think anything to be honest. Yeah, Hyungwon came, it got kinda late. What are you tattooing today?” He preferred to be honest and just said everything as it was. The other man tensed before crossing his arms in front of his chest and a winning smile spreading on his face.

“But he's a top, Hoseok. Why are you wasting your time?”

_What?_

He turned around to look at the other man's face, to determine what the fuck he was on about.

“What? What are you talking about?” His gaze narrowed and he stepped closer. Changkyun just grinned, probably feeling superior for some reason.

“Because he told me. He told me he tops. That's why I'm saying you shouldn't waste your time. He won't let you fuck him. I thought you knew.” The grin got broader and the other man curled his arms around his neck. “But don't be sad, I'm always here for you.”

_He's a top? That’s why he said to not listen to him. He probably won't let you. Ever._

_He also said he couldn't do it._

_You're such an idiot._

Hoseok wanted to facepalm. He couldn't understand how he didn't think about it. Everything made sense suddenly, the friends with benefits, sex, why Hyungwon was scared and didn't want Hoseok to listen to him. How the fuck was that supposed to work? Sex was surely not the most important thing in a relationship, but the way he reacted to Hyungwon was intense. There was no way he could just stay composed.

_Sex is kinda important. What are you trying to prove to yourself? You're going to die without sex._

Peeling Changkyun’s arms from his neck, he felt a little out of it, walking over to the coffee machine and pressing the button absentmindedly.

_What is this mess, Hoseok? Of course he was hesitant when you told him you wanted him for yourself._

He pulled out his phone, typing a message.

‘I think we need to talk.’ Pressing send he threw his head back in frustration.

“Sorry, I also thought he was bottoming but he told me that he doesn't. The comment with having me wasn't a joke. I missed you a lot.”

Arms curled around his waist as the small body was pressing against his back. Changkyun was cute for trying to make him feel better, but it didn't help. At all. The deadline for the collaboration project came closer too and he hadn't managed to draw in the meantime.

_Close yourself in and suffer a little. You can draw and think about bad decision making._

“Do you think you could take my appointments for today? I have a little stress with the company drawings. I'd owe you.” Hoseok turned around, still standing in the other man's hug awkwardly.

“Fine, but you better give me something I want in return.” The handsome face lit up in a smile.

_Cute._

Hoseok jumped into the rain and walked as fast as possible towards his apartment, watching the way the water moved under his timberlands, stepping over the lines of the squares.

_You're everything he dislikes, how is it going to work?_

His phone rang and he picked up without looking at the name, supposing that it was Hyungwon.

“Bunny, why did you give all of your appointments away? Are you ok?” His best friend’s low voice calmed him down a little, like a rock he could lean on. He cleared his throat and thought about what to say.

“I'm fucked, Hyunwoo. Well, actually I'm not and I'm not going to be and that might become a problem. I want him but it won't work out. How is it supposed to function?” Hoseok tried not to sound desperate, but the way his intonation changed gave out every emotion he felt while talking.

“The CEO? I'm glad you recognized that it won't work out, but what is it about being fucked? I don't get it. Can't you just finish the project and work at the studio in peace without seeing him all the time?” Shownu sounded a little whiny.

_Yes, can't you just finish it up and live without wanting something you won't get?_

“No, I can't. I'm in love. I seriously am. He's special to me, but it will be a shitshow and I'm seeing it coming. He's a top, Hyunwoo. There's basically no way this will work out long term.” He felt incredibly sad as soon as he spoke out the words. The man on the other end of the line started laughing like a maniac.

“Listen up, Bunny. If the fucking or being fucked part is what makes you think it will be a shitshow then you're an idiot. It will be a shitshow because you're basically chaos and he's a stuck up rule obeying prick who just acts out of selfishness which you mistake for affection. Stop it. Seriously, this thing won't make you happy. It's not the way.” His best friend stopped on a worried note, not saying anything further and simply breathing into the speaker.

“I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Let's talk later, okay? I'm going to draw a little and come back in the evening,” Hoseok said quietly before hanging up. Something inside him agreed to what Hyunwoo had said. They were different, so incredibly different, liking and cherishing different things, following different rules, or in his case no rules at all. The shoes parted the water on the sidewalk, and he tried to step into the squares without touching the lines, jumping a little and stopping in front of his apartment, raindrops suddenly not falling on his head anymore.

Lifting his head his eyes fell on a black umbrella, long dark fingers holding it and brown orbs staring at his face intently. Hyungwon's plump lips were parted and it was almost impossible to see him despite it being daylight, dressed completely in black. His soft features seemed strangely emotional.

“What are you doing here?” Hoseok couldn't hide his surprise at the sudden appearance in front of his door. The other man stood absolutely straight and glanced to Hoseok’s shoulder, adjusting the umbrella such that it covered more of him and thereby reduced the thick water drops hitting him.

“You said you wanted to talk. It was you, wasn't it?” Hyungwon responded quietly, rain loud against the umbrella. His eyes remained focused on Hoseok’s shoulder as if they were checking something before they shifted to his face, fixating on his forehead.

It was true, he wanted to talk. He just didn't know what to say and how to say it and he sure as fuck wasn't ready to do it now. But Hyungwon stood in front of his door and it was raining so he turned the key and opened the door. He felt the water soaking through the fabric of his clothes, forcing a disgusting shiver down his spine. Kicking his shoes into the corner he waited for the other to come in and went straight for the bedroom to get rid of the wet clothes.

Hyungwon remained in the hallway, sound of shoes being placed on the ground and a closing umbrella filling the air. Then steps began coming closer until the other man came into view, leaning against the door frame while wearing an oversized black pullover and skinny jeans.

“I'm not sure if I should come in,” he said quietly.

“Mh? Why?” Hoseok mumbled through the fabric of his hoodie as he pulled it over his head and threw it to the side, looking for something else to cover his wet skin.

“First, you seem rather different, maybe unhappy with something and I'm not quite sure how strongly I can act according to my emotional wishes,” Hyungwon answered calmly as he glanced at the ceiling, naked foot rubbing over the floor in a regular pattern. “Second, I feel rather conditioned to this room. Makes me want to throw myself at you.”

_Just that it'll probably always end the same way._

“You want to act on your emotional wishes? What are those?” Hoseok got curious at the way Hyungwon held himself. It was strange, maybe the other had also figured that something was off, that Hoseok was a fucking tornado and would break every precious rule he had.

“To do something for you, to make you feel better. I feel sad when you are devastated like this.” Hyungwon separated from the door frame and walked over to Hoseok, curling his arms around his waist and placing his forehead against his. “What upset you like this?”

_Holy fuck. What are you supposed to do?_

He exhaled harshly at the sudden contract and the warm hands against his cold skin. He could feel Hyungwon’s breaths and the way his brain and body reacted was beyond normal, of that he was sure.

“I'm dumb,” he stated, curling his arms around the thin waist and pressing the other closer to his chest, trying to make sense of at least something. “I don't know what to do. Fuck. Everything is such a mess. I'm such a mess.” He closed his eyes and tried to come up with something, anything that would have resolved the feeling that kept constricting his lungs.

Hyungwon remained silent and pressed him closer instead, lifting a hand to Hoseok’s hair and stroking over it slowly, letting him press his face into the taller man's shoulder. The long fingers travelled along his scalp and neck again, repeating the pleasant motion.

_He's trying to comfort you. Why can he make you feel so good, Hoseok?_

“How is it going to work? I feel so dumb for asking you.” The words felt extremely bitter, lungs clenching in a familiar motion, shiver running down his spine once again.

“Are you…doubting your decision to be with me?” the low voice whispered carefully. There was a slight jerk in the hand that moved along his hairline, as if the other man was afraid, breath held for a few seconds and not hitting Hoseok's skin.

_Are you?_

He tightened his arms around the black-haired, scared that he might leave.

_As if, you are afraid that he'll leave and that it'll make you even more miserable._

“No. I want to be with you. I just have no idea how it's going to work. I'm ready to do a lot of things but- there are some that won't be possible.” Hoseok tried to put his worries in words. He could hear Hyungwon swallow before the other man pulled at his hair a little to lift him away from his shoulder, glancing into his eyes, contact intense as it always was when he gifted it to him.

“Isn't it the same for everyone, Hoseok? If there is something that you can't do I'm not going to force you. Isn't that the definition of trying to make things work? Adjusting rules and expectations to make them agree.”

_Just tell him._

“Your ‘friends with benefits’, you're the active one in the relationship, am I right?” Hoseok removed his hands and stared.

Hyungwon frowned at him, head tilting a little, obviously confused at the question.

“Friend, it's just one, but yes I am.”

“I thought so. Which is basically a huge dilemma, as I'm also the active one. There's no way this will work out long term. I won't let you inside me and you will do the same. It will be frustrating and it will drive me mad. Actually it's not even about you. It's about me. I'm just not confident in the way my body reacts to you. I can't hold back forever and I don't want to see the outcome. I mean- are you fine? Is everything fine with you?” Hoseok had a lump in his throat, pronouncing the words hurt so much more than the thoughts did.

Hyungwon's expression was strange, split between confusion and something that looked like insecurity. The transition was undefined and not appropriately put into facial features.

“But it was obvious to me that you are an active individual. I never thought anything else,” he answered slowly, eyes quickly saccading from one spot on Hoseok’s face to the next. “I never expected for you to let me fuck you or something. I didn't even want you to.” The long fingers on his waist began pressing down in a pattern.

_Congratulations. You're the animalistic bastard._

“I'm sorry. I'm just scared. I really am. You're driving me crazy. I think you don't quite understand. You have rules and I don't have them. There are none. I'm scared I'll just lose my mind.” He exhaled sharply before continuing. “But what about you? Do you really want to be in a relationship with me? I'll break everything you love so much.” Hoseok threw his head back and placed his palms in front of his eyes.

“Yes.” Hyungwon didn't even hesitate a second.

_Yup. You're the asshole here, Hoseok._

He removed the hands from his face, lifting the eyelids slowly and looked at Hyungwon. The huge brown eyes fixated on his face, fingers playing the same pattern on his sides and left cheek sucked into his mouth, teeth nibbling on the inner side of it, probably because of nervousness. Hoseok felt like an asshole.

_Why do you even care about any of it? As if you want anything else besides him._

“You know, Hoseok, I feel like I'm losing my mind most times that I look at you and feel scared, but I still want to be with you,” the other man said suddenly, placing an unexpected kiss against Hoseok’s lips before watching him again, lower lip sucked into his mouth.

He took the small face into his palms, kissing every spot he could find, not bothering to catch his breath, one hand going up to the black hair, stroking over and raking through it.

“I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't need anything more, just you is fine.” His skin suddenly felt warm, wetness not bothering him anymore and the thin body next to him providing all of the warmth needed.

Hyungwon smiled at the words, beautifully genuine but put a little bit of space between them.

“You wanted to change because you were soaked. Don't get ill.” He went over to the bed and sat down on the edge. “Do you still want to eat with me instead of my parents?”

Hoseok got rid of his pants, walking over to the closet and getting new ones in addition to a black hoodie, pulling everything on real quick and basically jumping on the bed next to Hyungwon, grabbing his shoulders and falling down on the mattress next to each other.

“Yes, I'd love to. What do you want to eat? Will you cook? Or do we go somewhere? You probably have a plan don't you?” He stroked over the beautiful face. His insides felt like a giant burning mess.

_You should only make decisions and think about worries when he's next to you, would be more accurate._

Hyungwon appeared caught off guard again, remaining next to Hoseok but staring at him with widened eyes.

“I- well not really. Usually I eat at my parents and they cook. I don't know what we will do,” he mumbled and it seemed like he began worrying because of the lack of plan, eyebrows pulling together in thought. “You're evil.”

_Evil?_

“Fine, let's make it a cooking session. Come here and we'll cook something that's not orange.” He couldn't take his eyes off Hyungwon. The other man was so incredibly beautiful that it was a struggle. His fingers went over the cheek to the nose, tracing the form of the plump lips, stopping at the tiny mole in the middle of the lower lip, placing a short kiss against it. “Why am I evil? Did I do something?”

The other man swallowed, pupils dilating slowly and lips parting as he continued to glance at Hoseok’s face before he stared up at an empty, white wall, breath shaky.

“Because since I entered the room I have been religiously repeating to myself to not beg you to put your fingers inside me, but you just threw me to the bed and I'm genuinely struggling. I know I shouldn't and that I lose control but then I feel so safe with you, but at the same time my brain is gone and the decisions aren't rational and now you just go and throw us to the bed and your hair is so pretty and so is your sm-” He stopped suddenly. “I'm rambling.”

_Holy shit, he wants you. Maybe not quite the way you want him but it's much more than you could ask for._

Hoseok listened to the monologue, blood rushing everywhere but leaving his brain behind. The way a feeling spread in his groin and affected the way he breathed.

“Undress.” Hoseok's voice came out low and demanding, blood already providing oxygen to body parts other than the one responsible for reconsidering and speech monitoring.

The brown eyes widened, switching from the wall back to Hoseok’s face, a hiss leaving the plump parted lips. A few more seconds passed before Hyungwon nodded and sat up, pulling his pullover over his head, immediately revealing naked skin. Then the long fingers slid down to his skinny jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping them quickly, revealing no underwear but a prominent erection as he slipped them down his endless legs, throwing them to the side.

_Fuck. Just live without sex forever, Hoseok. It'll be fine._

He got rid of his own clothes in a rush and sat on the edge of the bed, pointing at his thighs.

“Come here.”

Hesitation wasn't in the other man's vocabulary, acting quickly as he placed his slim thighs on each side of Hoseok’s, arms circling his neck and breathing quickly.

“Oh god,” he whispered and pressed his legs together a little, right hand slipping into the soft strands of Hoseok’s hair.

 _Why the fuck did you put him on your lap, you idiot?_  
  
It was too late anyway, his arms curled around the thin waist, fingers roaming over the beautifully curved spine, moans leaving his mouth at every single movement of Hyungwon’s muscles around him.  
  
“I’m going to die like this, but it’s totally worth it,” he groaned, throwing his head back and shifting his hips, erection painfully hard, as if the other had teased him for weeks already.

Hyungwon closed his eyes and breathed through his mouth, soft pants leaving him as fingers pulled at Hoseok’s hair and scratched over his muscular shoulders.

“Is it possible to die from pleasure? I was always scared that if it happens to someone it will be me,” the black-haired breathed out and bit down on his lower lip, eyes opening and focusing on Hoseok’s face. It was intense again, so fucking intense. Every second of eye contact and the way the other man’s skin felt against his fingertips, his thighs and his chest was absolutely overwhelming.  
  
“You won’t die. I’ll look after you and make sure nothing happens,” Hoseok whispered and licked over a nipple, sucking it into his mouth and playing with his pierced tongue to increase the sensation. He was immediately graced with a beautifully low moan, Hyungwon throwing his head back and pushing the slim fingers a little further into his shoulders, pulling at his strands increasing simultaneously.

“You always make me want to let go so much. I can't think about anything else. Especially in this room,” the other man moaned and pulled at Hoseok’s hair harshly to attach himself to his lips, sucking at the piercing in his tongue and licking inside his mouth desperately.  
  
_The room? Because of the memories?_  
  
“Let go. Just let go.” Hoseok moaned inside his mouth and grabbed the thin hips, pushing him closer to his body. It was like the lean man on top of him listened to the words, pulling at the stands of his hair fiercely and muscle tonus changing as Hyungwon pushed his hips into Hoseok’s in response and groaned at the contact, mouth open, eyes shut and head thrown back. The nails were going to leave marks on his skin and he loved every second of it.

He wanted Hyungwon to mark him, bite him and pull his hair while throwing everything out of the fucking window. There was nothing more hot and intense than the beautiful black-haired man losing himself. Hoseok was equally invested, harsh breaths leaving his mouth and fingers digging into the skin of the other man’s hips, teeth leaving tiny bite marks over neck and chest, hips rolling against the body over him automatically.  
  
_Don’t, you’ll lose your shit._

“Fuck,” Hyungwon hissed at the movement and scratched over his shoulder, almost painfully. “I can't believe that I can tell how hard you are from sitting on your lap. Touch me, Hoseok. Take my thoughts away.”  
  
“I’d sell my soul to...” He stopped himself and moaned at the friction instead, freezing his hands on Hyungwon’s hips. “I want you to ride my fingers. Do you think you could do it?” Hoseok stared at the man on his lap, panting like a marathon runner and hoping the other would at least do something before he went absolutely nuts.

Their combined gasps filled the room for a while as Hyungwon opened his eyes slowly to glance at him, establishing eye contact. The nod that followed was barely visible, pupils widening in response and blush spreading along the beautiful neck.

“I can try,” Hyungwon whispered. “But I might lose it.”  
  
“Fuck, please do,” he groaned, wanting nothing more than to see it once again. The way Hyungwon looked when he was free.

The other man took a deep breath, stabilizing himself with the help of Hoseok’s shoulders and slipped off his lap.

“This is really bad for me. I begin thinking a little. I hate it,” he murmured and walked over to the black drawer, taking the lube out and placing it on Hoseok’s lap. “You get ready too so you can fuck me up so fast that I can't remember getting scared.”

Nodding once Hyungwon disappeared in the bathroom.  
  
_Remember it’s not about you. Show him what you can do._  
  
Hoseok lubed his fingers and waited for Hyungwon to come back, erection twitching at every fucking thought concerning the other man. It was ridiculous.

The black-haired reappeared and immediately threw his leg over Hoseok’s lap, sitting down and attaching himself to his lips, licking inside his mouth and sucking at his lower lip, unwilling to slow down.  
  
_He told you to fuck him up._  
  
Hoseok thrust up a little, letting his hips roll against the other man, licking into his mouth and nibbling on the plump lips while holding the thin hip in place with one hand. Hyungwon moaned into the kiss, shiver passing through the thighs, strong enough to feel. The other man’s hands attached themselves to his hair, as if he needed the additional sense of security, long fingers threading through it. Sucking a nipple into his mouth harshly, Hoseok reached back, circling one finger around Hyungwon’s entrance, biting lightly and moaning at the multiple sensations and the way the other man’s hips moved over his erection.

A gasp left Hyungwon's lips, body tensing up as his hands increased the strength of their grip on Hoseok’s hair.

“Just do it,” he whispered despite the obvious body tension.  
  
Hoseok slid the finger inside, curling it and pushing Hyungwon’s hips further, going for the plump lips immediately. The beautiful man on his lap screamed into his mouth, tension leaving his body at once and hands pulling him impossibly closer.

“Oh my fucking god, do it again.”

Hoseok repeated the same movement, hitting the spot and feeling his erection move with every scream that left the other man’s mouth. After a couple of times he added another finger, pressing down on the spot on purpose.  
  
“And now move.”

Heavy pants left Hyungwon's lips without him moving, head raising slowly to focus on Hoseok’s face. The ethereal man was really out of it, pupils blown and strong blush covering his cheeks. He whined shortly, wiggling his hips to feel more. When Hoseok didn't react nails dug into his shoulders and the beautiful man lifted his hips, biting down on the lower lip and blown eyes focusing on him. A few seconds passed before Hyungwon just dropped himself, loud curse mixed with a moan leaving his mouth and whole body shivering at the impact of the sensation. Hoseok would have orgasmed just from the sight.

“Oh my god, do you seriously want me to control this?” the other man whispered and attempted to catch his breath. It was futile with the way the slim thighs kept shaking.  
  
“I would’ve helped you if it was my dick, but it’s not, so you have to help yourself. Tell me if you’re not able to and I’ll take over.” Hoseok groaned against the golden skin that was covered in tiny drops of water and sweat. “You’re driving me crazy, fuck.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly before pulling himself up again bit by bit, hissing at the sensation and dropping again, immense pleasure visible in the way the slim body convulsed, reacting strongly and hoarse moans and screams leaving the lips. The other man was really sensitive and seemed to be yearning for the feeling as he sped up. He was kissing Hoseok harshly, teeth clashing from the intensity until it got too much for Hyungwon and he just let his head rest against the muscular shoulder and bit down, probably to stop himself from screaming.  
  
Hoseok knew that it was a very bad idea to imagine his hands being something else, but he couldn’t help it. It was so intense, the way the other man let himself go at the feeling, Hoseok wanted him to feel more.  
  
_You’re only supposed to make him feel good like this, Hoseok._  
  
He licked a stripe up Hyungwon’s neck, nibbling on the earlobe and spread his legs wider to have more access, moving his fingers on his own, precisely and not too fast at first.

“Shit, Hoseok, this is crazy,” Hyungwon groaned, letting go of his shoulder and throwing his head back instead, some black strands sticking to the other man's forehead as drops slid down the tattooed chest. “I want you so fucking much. My body is on fire.”  
  
_Fucking same. Watch yourself coming untouched at this. Fuck._  
  
“You have absolutely no idea. None at all. Holy fuck.” Hoseok sped up, hoping to release himself from the sweet torture of watching the breathtaking spectacle without being able to do much with himself. Hoseok licked his fingers and reached between Hyungwon’s legs, curling around the beautifully straight erection, stroking it slowly and adding pressure with every stroke.

Hyungwon's body tightened around his fingers just like the thighs around his hips, loud moans sounding in the room as the other man pulled Hoseok’s hair.

“Wait, let- let me lie down or I'll faint,” he gasped, body tension reducing and eyes becoming delirious again, pupils taking up most of the iris. Hoseok removed his fingers and turned, pressing Hyungwon into the mattress, hovering over him and ravishing his mouth. The tension was no joke. He felt as if his body was melting into itself.

“Fuck, I- I want you, Hoseok. I can't think anything else. Why does my body react like this? Everything is just burned to the ground except for the way you feel inside me. God,” Hyungwon mumbled and curled his legs around Hoseok’s hips, pulling him closer and arms tightening around his head, pulling his hair to turn his head and lick further into his mouth. “I'm scared to think how your dick would feel inside me. I'd probably just come untouched and faint.”  
  
_Oh no, please god no._  
  
Hoseok pulled the rest of his thoughts together, finding his fingers and pushing them inside the man under him, instead of his dick which was at least the same distance away. Exhaling sharply he started moving them, crawling down again. It wasn’t much about the way Hyungwon felt in his mouth, but more about making sure that his own erection was as far away as possible for safety reasons.

It didn't take long for the other man to scream, pull at Hoseok’s hair painfully and release himself into his mouth, legs shaking and chest rising and falling rapidly. Hoseok wanted to run away. The other was so fucking beautiful and lay there with his legs spread and it was torture, it really was. He licked everything clean and let himself fall next to Hyungwon, covering his eyes with an underarm, trying desperately to get his shit together.  
  
_How the fuck is each time worse that the one before?_

“Holy shit,” Hyungwon whispered next to him. “Oh my god. What the actual fuck?” He felt the other man shift next to him.

“Are you okay, Hoseok?”  
  
_No. You’re not._  
  
“Sure, I just need to cut my dick off and everything will be fine.” Hoseok chuckled, remembering that the other might’ve thought it was serious. He stood up and went to the bathroom, closing the door behind himself. Not even a minute passed before he heard quick steps, door opening again to reveal Hyungwon, still rather shaky on his legs but his face looked scared.

“Why are you running away? Did I do something?”  
  
_Yes, looking like a fucking meal._  
  
“No, I just really need to calm down so I was planning to place myself under a cold shower for ten minutes.” Hoseok jumped towards the other, holding onto his shoulders after realizing that he’d just fall over in that state. “Why did you stand up?”

Hyungwon frowned.

“Well, this isn't just about me is it? I also want to make you feel good, but you just disappeared. So obviously I must have done something you disliked, so I wanted to apologize,” the other man elaborated, placing his hands on Hoseok’s waist for stability, still blissfully naked. It was like a curse.  
  
“Listen, I’m really losing my shit. You didn’t do anything besides being ridiculously hot and making me burn in a hell pit, but that’s my problem, so I have to take a shower. What do you do if you lose control?” he asked, not sure what kind of answer he wanted. He just wanted to stop thinking about the way he had almost fucked Hyungwon. It had been one movement, nothing more.

The black-haired licked over his lips and appeared rather uncomfortable, glancing at the ground.

“I say the truth.”  
  
_What?_  
  
Hoseok had wanted to hear ways in dealing with loss of control, but the other just slapped his last bit of it away with one sentence.  
  
“Oh god, Hyungwon, please, don’t do this to me. Just let me take this shower, fucking hell.” He tried to peel off the other man’s hands without hurting him but Hyungwon just buried his nails further in his sides.

“Don't go. Can't you just let me help you instead? I want to make you feel good.” The gaze changed as Hyungwon just pulled at Hoseok’s waist and pushed him into the cold bathroom wall, sinking to his knees in a matter of seconds before closing his lips around his aching erection, tongue playing with the tip and deepthroating him right after. Hoseok lost it, groaning and burying his fingers in the black hair, just wishing for the orgasm to come and release him from the thoughts.

It was as if the ethereal man between his legs was aware of his wishes, putting effort into the way he worked his tongue and pushed Hoseok’s dick incredibly far inside his throat, relaxing and repeating the motion until the coil that had threatened to fuck his self control sideways, finally unravelled and he released himself inside Hyungwon's mouth. The other continuously sucked him off through the oversensitivity, giving the tip a few kitten licks and a short kiss before he looked up at Hoseok and licked over his own lips.

“Better than a cold shower, isn't it?” Hyungwon asked with his hoarse voice, partially from screaming at the feeling of Hoseok’s fingers inside of him and partially from taking his dick almost all the way between those luscious, plump lips. “We're in a relationship, aren't we? So pleasure is mutual.”  
  
Hoseok sank to his knees, overwhelmed and kind of fucked in the head after the tension and the mind blowing oral Hyungwon graced him with.  
  
“I think Shownu is right. You kind of fucked up my brain,” he whispered and leaned in, kissing the red lips repeatedly before pulling them both up and walking towards the bedroom. They needed to put on their clothes and Hoseok wanted to draw.  
  
_And forget that you almost force-fucked your boyfriend._

Once they were in the bedroom Hyungwon just remained standing, appearing rather out of it.

“I kinda ran after your message. I didn't even take anything. I don't even know what's happening at work. I actually have to work.” The words just left his lips like sudden thoughts, a little robot-like and eyes wide.  
  
_Oh holy fuck. You’re fucking everything up._  
  
“It’s fine. We’ll get you dressed and I’ll drive you to the company, okay?” Hoseok slipped into his jeans and hoodie before searching for Hyungwon’s clothes and trying to stuff the other man’s long legs into the material. “Don’t run only because I write something. You can write back for example. I could’ve been anywhere.”

Hyungwon helped Hoseok in the limited amount he was capable of, raising his hands and zipping up his ridiculously tight skinny jeans himself, keeping his dick out of danger.

“But you didn't use an emoticon and wrote that you wanted to talk. That translates into ‘crisis’ in relationship language. Of course I panicked,” Hyungwon explained when his eyes got more focussed and he was fully dressed. Hoseok didn’t pay attention to the explanation and grabbed Hyungwon’s things and the car keys, dragging the other man out and putting him in his car.  
  
“Don’t panic. I’m here for you. Nothing will happen. I just panicked myself, I’m sorry.” He started the engine and drove the ten minutes to the company, stopping on the CEO parking spot. He was driving the CEO so he supposed it was okay. He turned around and kissed his index finger, placing it on Hyungwon’s lips afterwards. “I guess we’ll see each other on Wednesday then?”

Hyungwon stared at him.

“Today is Wednesday, Hoseok. I would have eaten with my parents today.”  
  
_What? Shit, today is Wednesday, Hoseok!_  
  
“Okay fine fine. I’ll drive and get groceries and you’ll come. When will you come?” He tried to keep his calm and use his amazing improvisation skills. The other man looked a little worried.

“At eight. Are you sure that you feel okay? I have not upset you in any way? Your face reminds me of the way Minhyuk looks when he's about to slap me in the face for something.”  
  
_Minhyuk better keep his filthy hands to himself._  
  
“Eight is okay. You didn’t upset me, you dummy. I’ve upset myself. And Minhyuk better...nevermind.” Hoseok managed to swallow the insult. Hyungwon's eyes widened again and he rubbed over his thigh as he stared somewhere between Hoseok’s eyes.   
  
“Please don't worry. I'll see him tomorrow to tell him that I'm in a relationship, so you don't have to be jealous,” he said and let his palm slide up and down his thigh once.  
  
_Why do you keep making him do things?_  
  
“It’s fine, you can do it the way you want to. See you at eight.” He smiled before unbuckling and leaning in to kiss those plump lips once again. The other man melted into the contact before smiling brightly and leaving the car, not looking back as he ran to the entrance.  
  
He had wanted to draw but he went for groceries instead, buying things that weren’t orange. He couldn’t remember shopping for things of a particular color, it was a first. Just like helping a person dress or having the person draw hundreds of pictures of his facial expressions, like the way he threw an insane amount of trust in Hoseok’s face without him doing anything but having blue hair. Just like considering a relationship without sex.  
  
_Just like feeling special._  
  
_You’re mental, Hoseok. You’ll just lose your shit and then you might just fuck him because he always talks about it when he’s delirious._  
  
But he also said that he tells the truth when he loses control.  
  
_What does it matter whether it’s the truth if he doesn’t want it? You would do something he actually doesn’t want. Rationally._  
  
Actually he had already thought about a good solution. He just had to stay away a little, to not force himself into situations where he might lose the grip. But Hyungwon wanted to come over. Today. To his apartment. Again.  
  
_Just don’t go to the bedroom. Never._  
  
The groceries were bought and Hoseok was on his way back, thinking how to possibly save everything.  
  
_He’ll probably leave you if you dye your hair, right?_  
  
Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Top/Bottom discussion is a real thing by the way. There are a lot of cases of love relationships breaking apart because of non-versaitility. (Trust me, it's researched.)
> 
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	14. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What does ‘kind of’ moving on mean? You tell yourself that you did, but actually you didn’t?”

There were a few things that were simply impossible for Hyungwon to take, riling up his sensory perceptions and easily evoking meltdowns. Among them were first and foremost change, the mere adjustment of one thing to another. Suddenly learning that prior expectations were broken to make room for something else, realizing that rules that had applied suddenly didn't anymore, being confused at how to act after knowing that the behaviour that he arranged previously couldn't be used anymore.

The second one was sensory overload, too loud noises, too many people, too bright light, too uncomfortable fabric and orange food. Too much of these things burned his attention to the ground, leaving only inaccurate representations of reality, a blurred mess that he was forced to make sense of. 

The third one was the act of breaking a rule, a well established and perfectly reasonable rule. As a child Hyungwon had struggled to express his internal regulations, suffering from meltdowns and wrecking havoc around him, breaking everything. Now it wasn't as detrimental anymore but he could still feel it when problems began piling up, straining his patience. 

The sudden vibration in his pocket in the middle of a thought was sufficient to groan and throw something off his table. He didn't know what it was but he also don't care. Breathing heavily Hyungwon glanced at the culprit, seeing a message by an unknown number. He felt uncomfortable, going through all individuals that had his number but not the other way around. 

_ Hoseok.  _

He relaxed almost immediately until he saw the content of the message. There were no emoticons and it had been easy to learn that simple messages without a facial indication were serious. ‘We need to talk’ never meant anything good. 

_ He wants to talk because something happened. _

The thought was numbing just like a rearrangement of plans, inability to figure out what happened and why terrifying him. Hyungwon could have made a mistake and upset Hoseok. Only a day had passed but maybe the artist realized what a huge bother dealing with Hyungwon was. Jin had always said that he would have to search for a man that loved explaining and those were rare. 

_ Just figure it out Hyungwon. Don't wait and just go there.  _

It was strange. Going there was also a change of plans but it had similarities with a meltdown, dropping everything he was doing and shutting it out. He left his bag and only took his keys, purse and his phone when he left the office, only vaguely feeling how Kyungsoo pushed an umbrella into his hand. 

The taxi came as if it had been waiting for him, rain hitting the window repeatedly like an upcoming flood. Hyungwon sighed, forcing himself not to panic and to be a rather understanding individual. He didn't want Hoseok to change his mind even if he had panicked last night.

_ You want to be with him no matter what. _

It was simple luck that Hyungwon recognized the blue-haired figure leaving the tattoo studio he had wanted to stop at, immediately scaring the taxi driver by yelling. That's how he had found himself standing in front of Hoseok’s door with an umbrella, worrying about what the other man wanted to talk about and not even having his bag or anything for that matter.

_ Why are you doing this to yourself Hyungwon? Isn't staying with your schedule and what you're used to easier? Is all of this even worth it? _

The sight of the other man in the rain broke the train of thought like a decayed piece of wood, blue-sandy hair stuck to the forehead and deep brown eyes looking at the ground. The artist's steps were focused, placed on the single entities of heaven that Hyungwon had defined for himself, avoiding the regular lines of everything that was bad, be it hell or the remains of broken rules.

His chest constricted, but differently, urge to throw the umbrella away and just hold the artist in his arms overwhelming, tingling in his fingertips that were holding the handle tightly. But Hoseok had been faster, stepping in front of the door.

It was impossible to abandon the image of Hoseok following the rules of his consciousness, steps light and always flying over the solid concrete plates, strong and controlled compared to the dangerous riffs in between.

Hyungwon held the umbrella over the blue hair that constantly managed to evoke emotions in him and held his breath, waiting for the artist to break the moment because he couldn’t, not on his own.

_ Don't kid yourself, Hyungwon. You don't want anything else. Don't let him leave.  _

Things were always easier said than done. That's why Hyungwon hated words so much.

_ They never mean anything until you act on them. _

_

 

Although Hoseok had offered to replace the gaping hole in his schedule Hyungwon still felt strange standing in front of the apartment door and having to ring a bell. The act was always connected with a high amount of pressure, knowing that Hoseok would be behind that door and that there were certain behavioural expectations, adding to the constant knowledge and fear that his predictions could be wrong. His rules for the evening were rather simple this time around. Hyungwon had certain associations with the other man's bedroom and therefore would have to avoid it as well as he could. 

_ Because you make him uncomfortable.  _

Taking another deep breath he finally rang, placing the bouquet of flowers from the right hand to the left. It seemed better that way. On the promotional picture outside of the flower shop where he had bought them the man carried them in his left hand.    
  
Hoseok opened the door, smiling dazzlingly as he placed a kiss on his lips immediately, catching him by surprise but fitting the behavioural pattern of a boyfriend. He gestured for Hyungwon to come in. Compared to the behaviour of the other man when he had driven him to work it was strange, like two different people.

_ Maybe something positive happened that made him okay again.  _

“Did something good happen?” Hyungwon couldn't help asking and pinched his left underarm inconspicuously, worried that he had a rather vivid daydream. Smiling back as well as he could he handed Hoseok the flowers. “You might think it's kinda gay, but we are kinda are gay...so it's okay again?” 

The other man threw his head back and started laughing with his mouth open before holding onto his stomach and bending in half. It was fascinating to watch and looked genuine again. Maybe everything was fine after all. Hyungwon couldn’t help watching the way the broad arms curled around the waist.   
  
“Fuck, you’re hilarious. Thank you. I really like flowers actually. I drew a lot of them when I was studying in university.” He took the bouquet and walked into the apartment, fumbling around with a container to put them in. “Of course something good happened, because you came to visit me,” Hoseok yelled from the kitchen.

The information was packed away for when it would become relevant, such as possible later gifts. 

Hyungwon followed, considering the kitchen safe. Once he entered he checked quickly whether everything was still as he remembered and leaned against the counter as soon as he could tell that it was, watching Hoseok fill a vase with water. 

“I just learn from experience and you didn't seem too happy when I came this morning,” he remarked, remembering how out of it and scared Hoseok was. All because he didn't want Hyungwon to fuck him which was definitely not something he intended on doing. Ever. A short shiver passed through his limbs at the thought. He liked Hoseok. That was the main difference to his previous encounters so he would orient himself according to the other man.   
  
The artist kept looking somewhere else, placing the flowers on the table and getting the meat out of the fridge.    
  
“It’s because I’m dumb. The things I think about and pay attention to are sometimes very stupid so I have to refocus. You don’t have to worry about it. I’m really happy that you came.” Hoseok turned around and smiled finally. It looked genuine as far as Hyungwon could tell so he smiled back and hugged him, kissing him with a light touch of his lips before returning to his kitchen counter. He picked it as his favourite spot, most of the kitchen visible and close enough to Hoseok when he cooked food. He climbed up on the counter, long legs dangling down. It seemed to be a nice place.

“What makes you decide that the thoughts are stupid?”   
  
“Because they make me miserable, instead of happy,” Hoseok said quietly, unpacking the meat and not turning around. 

_ Something is off again. Hug him. _

Hyungwon hated his inability to read people. Without seeing Hoseok’s face it was almost impossible to tell what exactly he was feeling but the other kept hiding his beautiful features. Instead of doing nothing as he would have usually Hyungwon jumped down again and hugged Hoseok from behind, placing his chin on the artist's shoulder. 

“Then I'll just try to make you forget those thoughts. I want you to be happy. Is there something I can do?” Hoseok tensed a little before exhaling sharply.   
  
“No it’s fine, it really is. Tell me what you did today after I brought you to work. How do you feel? Is it really okay to eat with me instead of your parents? You must miss them.” The muscular arms kept fumbling with groceries and packages. 

_ That’s a lot of questions to answer. _

Hyungwon tried to put them in order of appearance instead of importance because Hoseok had shown difficulties last time when he had answered them non chronologically. Thinking about work he arranged the memories of his work tasks in order as well.

“I told Kyungsoo about my sudden disappearance, met a few freelancer artists, had an employee in my office that didn't want to leave and I don't know why, met a government official concerning the collaboration project and came here.” He paused, mentally making a little sign that he answered the question on his to do list, hot breath hitting Hoseok’s cheek. “I'm feeling okay. I got used to the thought that I don't see them today so it doesn't really matter now. I'm happy that I'm with you.”

“That’s nice then. I wanted to draw today, that’s why I basically gave all of my appointments to Changkyun who will force me to do things for him later, but I really like how it turned out. I will draw tomorrow after my booked day.” Hoseok turned around to face him, eyes sliding from the hair over his face to the neck and up again. Hyungwon was distracted by the curve of the pink lips and the intensity of the dark eyes, but something about the artist’s pattern of eye contact was different.

_ He is strange.  _

“I'm sorry that I kept you from drawing though. If you want to we can draw together today. It's on my schedule too.” Letting his eyes wander over all of Hoseok’s body and face he tried to find something that was off, concentrating on the single features. “I hate Changkyun.”

_ You do. An unusual lot considering how little other people concern you. _ __  
__  
“Hm, you have been unusually open with him though, considering the fact that you hate him.” Hoseok grinned and tilted his head to the right.

“Well, he assumed that I couldn't satisfy you and I felt rather challenged, so I told him that he's wrong and why,” Hyungwon answered immediately and remembered the sneaky short man, kissing Hoseok although the blue-haired hadn't wanted to kiss him. Even now a fierce burn dripped along his knuckles like candle wax at the thought.    
  
“I’m sorry if he pestered you. He’s like that sometimes. You shouldn’t be forced to talk about private stuff to people you don’t even know properly. He told me today, I was rather thankful because it made sense.” The other man’s eyes refocused and he walked over to the counter and started cutting meat and vegetables. 

_ He must have told Hoseok something that upset him. _

He cleared his throat and climbed on the counter next to Hoseok, sitting down and watching the way he worked, hitting the cupboard below him lightly with his heels. One of the peppers on the plate made him a little uncomfortable, so he put it to the side, resuming the way his legs produced a soft hollow noise, focusing on that instead. 

“I don't really care about talking about private stuff, Hoseok. What did Changkyun tell you that made so much sense to you?” he asked as his eyes remained focused on the way Hoseok’s knife chopped tomatoes into slices. It was calming to watch, like a waterfall.    
  
“That you top. It made sense because I couldn’t make sense of your friend with benefits, having sex and the way how you behaved towards me. But now I know and it’s fine,” Hoseok mumbled, hand holding the knife appearing a little unstable. Hyungwon couldn't tell why exactly but somehow he felt like he should explain himself. Hoseok didn’t quite understand although he thought that he did. If Changkyun was producing misunderstandings then maybe Hyungwon was the one who had to solve them before they turned enormous, impossible to avoid and breaking off relationships.

_ What you had with Minhyuk and what you have with Hoseok are different things. Hoseok added emotions to pleasure. _

“Well, I was terrified of losing control so topping was my only way of getting pleasure without losing it and without being terrified about my actions. I told you that no one knows about my sensitivity. No one except for you. Everyone else thinks I'm super composed but actually that's a lie I guess.” Hyungwon sighed and looked at the ceiling. It was easier. “You know, when I found out, by doing it...I couldn't really stop although I should have.”

_ Because you keep getting addicted to the combination of pleasure and emotions. Hoseok makes it too potent for you, you can’t resist. _

“Are you telling me you're only active because you're terrified of the pleasure? Why would you think that you should stop?” Hoseok turned towards him, eyes widened and he looked a little shocked, lips pulling together to form a circle. 

It was numbing Hyungwon's perceptions again, breath hitching and preparing to stop altogether, fear inviting itself in without explicit indication. Hoseok looked terrified by Hyungwon’s conclusions.

_ Because he doesn't know what it's like when you lose yourself, Hyungwon. Really lose yourself.  _

“Yes,” he answered quietly, keeping his gaze on the ceiling and scratching over the kitchen counter with his finger nails, trying to add a different sensation that he could focus his attention on. “I need to stop. I'll lose control. I'll do something that I’ll regret. Like breaking something or hurting someone.” His voice was barely a whisper towards the end, memories of meltdowns and the resulting havoc filling his head. His hands tightened on the counter edge. 

The artist came closer, placing himself between his legs, warm palms lying flat on his thighs, easily refocusing Hyungwon’s attention again as if he was born to handle him. 

“Is this why you always tell me things but don't want me to do them?” Hoseok stared at his face, gaze intense and a little intimidating. Hyungwon nodded, fear creeping up his limbs although there was no reason to, only the memories knocking at his consciousness and asking to be let in. The artist leaned in such that the warm forehead was touching his chest, pushing Hyungwon out of his circle of fear again.

_ He breaks your panic, Hyungwon. How?  _

“It's fine, I respect that. I just need a little time because my dick-driven state keeps telling me to do everything you ask me for. But-” He stopped and let out a harsh exhale. “But I think you can trust me with that.”

_ You do. _

Hyungwon smiled, placing his palms on top of Hoseok’s, warmth seeping through the skin and releasing the hold his brain had on his lungs, air easily entering and leaving.

“I do. I just wish you could ease me into it faster than my fear consumes me.” He finally looked down at the beautiful artist's face, mesmerizing as always with the way the hair framed the pale skin. “That's why I asked you to  _ just do it _ today, before I start thinking. My brain is a real challenge.” He chuckled at being confined by his own thoughts and regulations, but it had always been like that, nothing good came without a price. He could draw well and was good at logical thinking. There had to be some shortcomings. Bad social relationships and the inability to do what he wanted. 

“I'm confused,” Hoseok whispered suddenly, lifting his gaze, intensity returning full force. “How do I know if you really want something? How do I differentiate between you wanting it and you wanting it but me not being allowed to comply?” 

__ There is no way to tell, Hyungwon. Because you just lie to yourself.  
__  
Hoseok shook his head as if wanting to get rid of a thought and placed a short kiss on his lips.   
  
“It’s okay, you don’t have to explain.” A smile followed, corners of the curved lips curling up further as the artist brushed back his blue-sandy hair. 

_ A misunderstanding. You’re going to build up a misunderstanding. _

“I'm scared,” Hyungwon whispered, sudden urge to run away and hide in Jin’s arms almost numbing and blurring his surroundings. His hands shivered and he didn't know what to do with them, lying on top of the other man's. Hoseok’s hair melted into a watercolor mixture again, similar to the way it appeared when the other man took away Hyungwon’s control, fluent and in motion without his influence. 

“It's okay to be scared, but you don't have to be scared because of me. I'll take a cold shower if I start losing my shit. I might not come out of the shower because you're hot 24/7 but we'll figure it out.” Hoseok chuckled and kissed him softly, curling his arms around him and pressing his body impossibly close. “I want to know more about you, about your childhood, your life, how you think and what you like. There must be a lot of things I don't know. I want to know them all.”

_ You’re scared because he doesn’t understand. _

“Why do you hold yourself back?” Hyungwon asked eventually, ignoring the way the other man requested to know more about him. There wasn’t much to know, an hour would have been sufficient to recount the critical events in his life and awareness of them had never really helped anybody comprehend his perspective better. It wouldn’t help Hoseok either. 

“Isn't it obvious? I mean I don't want to hurt you or do something you don't like. But unfortunately I can't help wanting it so I have to hold back.” The other man pressed the forehead against his shoulder. The way the soft strands looked against his pullover was tempting so Hyungwon let his hand intertwine with them, stroking along the scalp as he loved doing. It calmed him down immensely, more than uncountable hours of cognitive therapy could have.

“You have more self control than I do apparently,” Hyungwon said, directly followed by smile that didn’t represent his inner state at all. Hoseok seemed to misunderstand him, but still acted according to his wishes, holding himself back. The throbbing of a headache spread along his temples. It was the perfect sign that they should change the topic. “Let’s just eat. My head hurts from all of this.”

“I don't. Yes, let's eat before I turn into a cat.” The other chuckled and turned the stove on. Hyungwon felt bad about the way he stroked the other man’s hair, using it to calm down but apparently making the other man dislike it. He rubbed his flat palm over his thigh a few times, looking at it for a several seconds and the way a little bit of color appeared before finally resting it at his side.

“I’m sorry. You are not a cat,” he apologized eventually, hoping that it was enough to get rid of the impression. The whole situation felt strange, sitting in Hoseok’s kitchen while the other man was frying food for them and all of that had been planned in advance. It should have felt planned and comfortable but it didn't, little bursts of panic tickling under his skin and piling up, yelling at him to go home. 

_ You're getting closer to overload, Hyungwon. You need to do something.  _

He screamed.

The sound was meant to resolve the excessive energy and would hopefully calm down his mind, thoughts broken by the sudden outburst and eyes shut tightly. He kept his palms firmly attached to his thighs and surroundings black, breathing through his nose and focusing on how the blood rushed to his head. 

Hoseok jumped towards him, eyes widened and mouth slightly open, grabbing his shoulders.

“Is something wrong? What happened?” He looked in shock. “You don't make me feel like a cat. I like it that's why I'm a cat.”

_ You freaked him out again, Hyungwon.  _

He took a deep breath and focused on the large eyes, biting down on his lip and fighting the blurriness. 

“I don't know. Things just kept piling up in my head and I had to let them out. I'm sorry for scaring you. It's probably creepy,” he murmured and stared at the spatula that he other man held in his right hand, drop of oil collecting at the edge into a heavy mass. It felt like he was watching it in slow motion, liquid pulling down until it left the surface of the spatula and hit Hyungwon's knuckles. A sudden pain spread where the drop hit but he just jerked, focusing on that instead. 

_ Don't lose yourself.  _

Hoseok turned around, turning the stove off and throwing the kitchen utensils in the sink. Walking back he just took Hyungwon’s body from the counter, holding it in an iron grip and walked over to the bedroom sitting down on the edge of the bed, Hyungwon placed on his lap. The surroundings blurred a little as Hoseok carried him but the smell of the bedroom was familiar. It smelt like Hoseok. 

“It's fine, it'll be fine,” the other man whispered and leaned the head against his shoulder, arms pressing him closer. Hyungwon breathed in the scent and shut his eyes completely, fingers moving on their own and sinking into the soft strands. It was like walking on the beach, each fucking time. His breaths softened and the muscle tension left him, simply curling his fingers in the beautiful hair and placing a kiss on the other man’s forehead. 

“You're too good to me,” he whispered and placed another kiss on Hoseok’s head before lifting the chin and adding another to each eye, each cheek and finally the lips. It were these moments that made Hyungwon realize how deep the emotional connection he felt to Hoseok was. His whole body melted in the embrace and the way the blue strands tickled his fingertips. It was incomprehensible, but real. 

“I keep bringing you out of concept. I continuously break your routine, stomping all over your rules and cause you meltdowns. Are you sure I'm the right person to be with?” Hoseok asked quietly, almost whispering.

“I want no one else,” Hyungwon mumbled in reply, tightening his grip on the other man, afraid that he would let go. He mustn't yet. Hyungwon needed the contact and Hoseok was the only one who was able to keep him calm, under control and sane. He needed him. 

_ He’s the one who starts the storm but he's also the only one who can stop it. Stormy and calm like the sea. _

“You're the sea, Hoseok. I want to drown in you.”

The other man smiled in a way Hyungwon couldn't identify, putting a little distance between their bodies to look at his eyes properly.

“I maybe am, but don't you know that the moon controls the sea, Hyungwon?” 

Hyungwon smiled back, removing a blue strand from Hoseok’s face and placed a kiss on top of it. The artist was wrong. 

“I'm not controlling you, Hoseok. I can't. I let go as soon as I see you, abandoning the behavioural patterns that made sense because they never do with you,” he answered and took another deep breath of Hoseok’s hair, hating his clothes. 

“You're a dummy. The way you lose yourself, how you let go, I'd throw everything I own after you just to see it again. I want to melt into you, to do everything you tell me, just because you look so free.” The other man let out a couple of harsh breaths, seeming rather invested. 

“So you hate it, Hoseok? If it makes you want to throw objects at me I'm sorry, but I doubt that I'll be able to stop even if I wanted to.” He pressed his lips to Hoseok’s forehead once before continuing. “You call it freedom but is letting go of your consciousness really being free instead of animalistic? I'm not sure.” 

The question was difficult. It involved so many thoughts and bodily sensations that it appeared to be completely uncontrolled. However Hyungwon still kept the ability to talk, to desire something, to ask for more. Was he completely freed of his consciousness then? Hyungwon felt free whenever Hoseok kissed him, free of pressure and free of fear.

“The only thing that I want to throw at you is myself, Hyungwon. If you're able to let go like that then it is indeed something incredibly special. I'm always chaotic and everything but I'm never really free.” Hoseok kissed his neck, nibbling on the soft skin a little. Hyungwon couldn't help the gasp that left his lips at the sensation, eyes remaining focused on the deep blue sea. 

“Why are you never free, Hoseok?” he asked before a different question became even more apparent. “Why do you want to be?”

The other seemed in thought, burying his head in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck.

“Because I always think and if I try not to it doesn't really work. I want to let go and just fly. I think it's really nice to know how freedom feels like. But on the other hand the composure makes me go under the cold shower so I guess it has its positive side effects.” 

“I feel secure when I think. When I know that I can decide what happens. Isn't that freedom? If you desire to let go, then maybe I can make you?” Hyungwon replied and focused on the warmth of the other’s thighs under him, squeezing his legs together. Hoseok was really muscular compared to his rather slim self. It felt good. 

“I'll jump you, Hyungwon. Don't.” Hoseok exhaled sharply and pressed him closer. Hyungwon let his long fingers run along the muscular back until he reached the thighs, stroking along them, scratching a little. 

“But this is supposed to be mutual. I don't want you to run away after you make me feel good. That's not how this works,” he whispered and tried something that he enjoyed Minhyuk doing, he rolled his hips forward against Hoseok. 

The other man moaned at the movement but grabbed his hips to stop him. 

“You don't understand. I'm not against mutual pleasure. I just react to you in a way I shouldn't, at least not if you don't want to and it's hard to control for me. You're so fucking hot it drives me insane.” Hoseok threw his head back and groaned in frustration. Hyungwon couldn't help but frown. He didn't see the problem. 

“But Hoseok,” he began and put more of his weight to the front. “You getting hard is the point of this or not? So why wouldn't you react? I'd be more worried if you didn't.” Hyungwon sighed and massaged the other man's thighs with his hands, taking a look around the room and regretting it almost immediately. 

_ The bedroom.  _

Something in Hoseok’s gaze changed, tongue sliding over the red lips before they parted. 

“Don't do this unless you want me to fuck you.” 

_ What? _

Hyungwon sucked air into his lungs harshly, shocked at the words and brain immediately reminding him of the amount of control he had over his actions in such a situation. None.

_ You're an idiot, Hyungwon. You thought his problem is getting touched by you but it's the fact that you can't give him what he wants.  _

Changkyun had been right. Hyungwon couldn't satisfy him. 

“B-but is touching not enough for you?” he asked, unable to keep himself from stuttering with the way Hoseok ripped the ground away from under him, surroundings returning into picture without stability and fear spiking up. 

“The way you touch me, it riles me up and accumulates to a giant wrecking ball which my body can only remove by being inside you. I can normally hold back pretty well. I really do, but it gets harder every time and I just don't want to… hurt you, so yes. Please have mercy.” The gaze softened again and Hoseok looked up at the ceiling breathing heavily. 

Hyungwon couldn’t help but feel the panic rising in his throat like bile, constant reminder that Hoseok’s previous partner knew him better and was quickly capable of figuring out that he couldn’t satisfy the other man.

“But what are we supposed to do then? How can we solve this?” he asked, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice. He wasn't able to not let go around the other man. It was killing him and he was unable to think about anything else sometimes. The only reason he hadn’t thrown himself at Hoseok, although they were in the other man’s bedroom and memories kept raining down on him, was that he had been close to him in the morning.

_ And the fact that you are fucking afraid. _

“It'll be fine. I'll just warn you and you can run away or something.” Hoseok chuckled and stood up, letting Hyungwon’s hips slide down his body, over the prominent erection, until his feet touched the ground. “Let's go make something to eat.” 

It was difficult to catch himself and just continue as if nothing happened but Hyungwon tried. He followed Hoseok to the kitchen, eyes continuously returning to the fact that the other man had wanted him but Hyungwon couldn’t really do anything about it. It was frustrating and the tent in the other man’s jeans only emphasized that more.

“That little piece of shit was right,” he mumbled and hoped that his body wouldn’t be faster than his mouth in expressing his emotions, eyes burning a little but he stared at the ceiling to neutralize at least his vision.

Hoseok turned around to ask him something but the bell rang and he turned towards the door in surprise. Hyungwon’s heart almost stopped at the sound and he basically fell to the side, holding onto the wall and staring at Hoseok with wide eyes, hoping for him to explain what the hell just happened and why someone was coming over. The artist hadn’t told him about anyone else visiting or inviting anyone and he should have if the plan had been to add someone to the dinner.

Hyungwon struggled with too many people at once. The other man shouldn’t have invited anyone. It was against the rules. Planning with two people but adding new ones needed asking and preparing and more food and announcements. 

His brain went on overdrive, unable to make sense of what was happening and the other man’s facial expressions. It just turned blurry and he could feel how his sensory perceptions increased in sensitivity. The bell rang again, this time deafeningly loud and painful in his ears.

Hyungwon closed his eyes and just turned everything black.

 

***

 

The bell rang all of the sudden although there was basically no one who would've come over at this time of the day. He went to the video interphone and saw Changkyun’s face, remembering that he had wanted to come over to the studio in the everything but didn't, panicking and trying to come up with a decent menu. He wanted to press the key but heard a sound on the left. Hyungwon was cowering in the corner holding his ears closed, shivering. 

_ Holy fuck.  _

He screamed into the speaker to wait and ran over, trying to get what had happened while he was walking towards the door. Hyungwon just kept his ears closed and breathed heavily, sitting on the ground, back leaning against the wall. It seemed very similar to the time in the elevator with the way his eyes were squeezed shut and he didn’t pay attention to the noise Hoseok made when he walked over to him, not even jerking.

_ Reducing sensory input, or making one very intense.  _

Hoseok sat down on the floor and pulled Hyungwon’s body on his lap, curling his arms around the thin figure and pressing it to his chest tightly. He breathed into his ear and tried hard to make it sound regular despite being scared. It took a little while but Hyungwon’s hands relaxed, falling to his sides and air entering his lungs in a calm manner instead of the way he had been hyperventilating. The black-haired reached up with his right hand, wrist impossibly slim and stroked over his hair once before looking up, separating from Hoseok’s shoulder.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he murmured and looked upset. “I hate this.”

_ You keep making him miserable. He didn't have it before, being all composed and stern. _

“No, I'm sorry. It's Changkyun. I forgot that I promised to come to the studio so they probably worried about me. Should I tell him to go home?” He was unwilling to let Hyungwon go, keeping the arms tight around the other man's waist. Warm breath hit his neck as the black-haired exhaled slowly and stared up, looking him directly in the eyes. It was rather intense in addition to determined.

“No, he probably has a reason to come. May I just have a coffee or something? I’ll calm down, it’s okay. It was just very sudden,” Hyungwon replied and attempted to stand up, loosening the arms around him.

Hoseok went to the door and opened it, walking towards the coffee machine immediately, turning it on and waiting for the heater. The door opened and the short black-haired man stepped in, taking off his shoes and looking around before he spotted Hyungwon. 

“Ah, that's why. Shownu basically got a panic attack because you always pick up your phone but didn't and told him that you'll come over. He took over a late client and sent me over to check whether you're alive.” He grinned at Hyungwon and nodded in his direction. “So you're the culprit.” 

“Apparently,” Hyungwon just replied and walked over to Hoseok, sitting down on the counter where he had sat before. “This was planned though.”

_ This will be amazing, Hoseok. Your mental ex boyfriend and your sensitive actual boyfriend in one room. Hallelujah.  _

“Sorry Kkung, I forgot to tell you. Thank you for taking over for me. Coffee?” He put a cup under the machine for Hyungwon and pressed the button. 

“It's fine, baby. You told me you'll give me something I want. Did you manage to draw or?” His ex-boyfriend grinned, hinting at Hyungwon’s presence. He started walking around the room before stopping in front of one of the blue drawers. Hoseok wanted to choke. Himself, or Changkyun, he couldn't really decide. 

“I didn't but it's okay, how did it go? Did you manage everything? Is it fun?” He tried to get the man away from the drawer, but Hoseok was always on the losing side when it came to Changkyun. The thin figure opened the middle drawer skilfully and got a bunch of drawings out, smiling brightly and looking through them. 

“You still have them, wow. I'm touched.” 

Hyungwon had remained quiet throughout the whole endeavour, just watching the two of them or focusing on the ground instead. As soon as Changkyun had taken out the drawings the tall man looked up though, crossing his legs and leaning forward, as if increasing his chance to see.

“What are those?” he asked and seemed curious, one eyebrow slightly raised but lips in a thin line.

“Nothing,” Hoseok shot out, walking over to Changkyun and hissing in his ear to put the stuff back, but Changkyun wouldn't have been himself if he had listened for once. 

“Oh, it's the drawings Hoseok made for me, back when we dated. He loved drawing me a lot. I didn't know he still had them, in the same drawer, wow.” The younger man grinned at him and Hoseok fought against the wish to just carry him out of the apartment and close the fucking door. 

The curiosity on Hyungwon's face transformed into something more bitter, eyebrows pulling together and gaze focusing on Hoseok’s face. 

“I thought you don't draw people,” he said quietly. 

“I don't. It's not realistic.” He ripped the paper out of Changkyun’s hand, narrowing his vision on the other man, knowing exactly that it always had an ambivalent meaning for the other and put them back into the drawer. “So coffee? Or you could also go away because I'm fine,” Hoseok hissed at him, gaze not leaving the other man's playful eyes. 

“Damn, Hoseok. You know exactly what you're doing, aren't you? But fine, I'll go for today. It's more fun when we're alone. Sorry, don't take it personal, Hyungwon.” The slim figure moved towards the door and put on his shoes waving at Hyungwon and blowing Hoseok a kiss.

_ Asshole. _

“Go,” Hoseok muttered and exhaled when the door finally closed.

“I don't want him to be alone with you,” Hyungwon said from the counter, breaking the silence and body in the same position it had been when Changkyun took out the drawings. “He has bad intentions. Even I can tell and that means something.”

Hoseok walked over to him, leaning against the counter and handing over the cup with coffee he had made a couple of minutes ago. 

“Bad intentions? I don't think so. He was always like this, a fucking tornado not giving a shit about anything. For me, I don't see any changes in behaviour compared to before.” 

_ But he makes you angry, on purpose, just so you'll fuck him.  _

“But he likes making me angry, that's true.” He threw his head back, trying to ignore the memory of the expression in Changkyun’s eyes when he narrowed his gaze and hissed at him.

“But before you were in a relationship and now you are not. So his behaviour should be different or not?” Hyungwon asked again, taking a careful sip from his cup and closing his eyes at the taste, legs uncrossing and spreading instead.    
  
_ He doesn't like it. Of course he doesn’t.  _ __  
__  
“We’ve never broken up actually. He just moved away without saying a word and I moved on. Kind of. But sure, we’re not in a relationship anymore. He’s just- I guess he’s just like that.” Hoseok didn’t find the right words to explain and turned to the abandoned stove instead, putting everything into the pan and turning it on again. They were actually there to have dinner.

“What does ‘kind of’ moving on mean? You tell yourself that you did, but actually you didn’t?” Hyungwon remained on the counter, close to the stove as before and watched him, some of the top light reflecting in his eyes if he tilted his head the right way. He was so incredibly beautiful that Hoseok had major trouble concentrating on not burning the meat.    
“I had no possibility to ask for the reason. I spent two years not knowing why he left back then. I asked him a couple of days ago. You know I always had the feeling that there might have been something that made sense, a reason, a happening that could’ve explained everything and justify his actions. This waiting, it was not really moving on. I still somehow thought that it’d make sense if I knew. But he was just being Changkyun.” Hoseok had to swallow, memories and feelings numbing his senses and throat becoming dry all of the sudden.

Hyungwon hissed next to him, but the big eyes were focused on his.

“May I draw you?” he asked quietly. “I want to hold onto this so I can make sure to never make it appear on your facial features again.”   
  
“Sure, whatever you want. Blue dresser on the left, middle drawer. There’s paper and everything you might need.” He just tried to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling spreading in his lungs and making the process of sucking in air painful. The black-haired man slipped off the counter smoothly and walked over to the drawer Hoseok had indicated, taking a piece of paper and a pencil, leaning against the counter and placing fine lines on the empty sheet. He didn’t stop drawing as Hoseok prepared the food, just looking at the piece of paper and not even once glancing up to check whether he was getting the features right, just recollecting everything from memory.

_ You’re probably mesmerizing, like a sad story. _ __  
__  
“I’m done, we can eat.” He took the plates out and brought them to the table, arranging everything nicely and putting the pan on a table mat. The other man didn’t react for another few minutes before he finally stopped placing lines on the sheet of paper and turned towards Hoseok, leaving his drawing on the counter and sitting down across from him. His eyes looked strangely wet although there was no reason for that.   
  
__ It might be too much, after the Changkyun thing and you emptying emotions into his face.   
  
“Are you okay? Should I dim the light? Is it too bright?” 

The black-haired shook his head, chuckling shortly before grabbing his fork and knife and cutting a very delicate piece of meat, pushing the vegetables to the side right after. Placing the cut piece on his fork he opened his mouth wide and put the chunk of food inside as if it was gigantic instead of the tiny mouth sized piece that he cut.

“You just looked so sad that I felt emotional,” he answered after chewing.   
  
“It’s fine. It was a long time ago. How about you and your friend with benefits? You told me you will meet him tomorrow?” Hoseok asked, trying hard not to be suggestive. If Hyungwon needed a person to be able to have sex with, then it was better than being the nagging boyfriend. The other man chewed another piece of meat, this time bigger before answering.

“Ah, Minhyuk? Yeah, I'll meet him tomorrow and tell him that I have a boyfriend now. He’ll probably be surprised. Only a month ago he told me that he doubted that was possible. Something about me giving people a tiny something and making them thirsty for more but never really giving more than that, just remaining on that hope that there will be more. Ah, and that sometimes just when one felt like it was time to stop wanting a tiny something there is another tiny something. It was rather complex and I was also rather out of it because I kept thinking about how to get you for the collaboration project.” Hyungwon just talked without a break, not even breathing properly in between before he stuffed his mouth with more meat, still ignoring the vegetables.   
  
_ Oh no. The poor guy is hooked too. Just like you.  _ __  
__  
“He probably likes you. He will be hurt,” Hoseok whispered while getting the wine out of the bar on the side and pouring himself a glass. “Do you drink?” 

Hyungwon shook his head furiously before placing the rest of the meat into his mouth and moaning shortly as he chewed it.

“This is good,” he remarked before staring at the vegetables. “You know, he actually told me that he felt like that, so I don’t think he likes me like that. Maybe not anymore? I hope so.”   
  
_ It’s too complex, isn’t it? _ __  
__  
“People lie to keep everything in place, you know? Sometimes people lie about not liking other people, so that they can enjoy the same unconditional and unbiased contact. Of course I don’t know how it is in your relationship with him, but I can very well imagine. You’re very...addicting.” He took a sip of his wine and enjoyed the way it combined with the taste of meat in his mouth.

Hyungwon looked up, appearing in thought as if Hoseok had told him a new piece of information.  
  
“But isn't that painful? Just staying around someone that you like? I mean he had to like me at least a little, I guess, to be interested, but wouldn’t it be like torture? I don’t see why anybody would want to do that.” He poked a pepper with his fork and looked a little guilty before he placed it in his mouth and chewed. “Why am I addicting though?”   
  
“Because not staying around someone you like is more painful? I mean- it’s always a decision for what hurts less right? It is torture sure.” He grinned at the mention, remembering the way he had to stay away on the edge of the bed. “But in the end you do what hurts less. Don’t eat the veggies, I don’t care about them.” He giggled. “You’re addicting because you make me feel special although I’m pretty sure that I’m not.” 

“You are,” Hyungwon answered without hesitating and placed his fork carefully next to his plate, listening to the permission to avoid the vegetables. “Is it like me desiring to be with you and choosing to do so although some of the consequences are detrimental? One just chooses based on emotions because it seems more important? I miss you when you aren’t there, so the fact that I had other plans or prefer to avoid people doesn’t really matter that much anymore.”   
  
Something filled his insides with liquid warmth. He didn’t really know whether it was the wine or the way the other man’s face looked while he said those words. If Hoseok had to point out which single word or sentence had made him emotional he wouldn’t have been able to. It was the combination of the said and the person who had said it.    
  
_ He makes everything seem so special. It’s always special because it’s him. _ __  
__  
“And I have the feeling that I’m basically ruining your nice, regulated life.” Hoseok gulped down the rest of his wine and collected the plates, putting them into the dishwasher. The black-haired man watched him throughout the action before standing up and walking towards him, closing the space between them and letting Hoseok’s lower back touch the edge of the counter. The eye contact was intense again, some stray hair framing his facial features.   
  
__ The tension. You can cut it with a fucking knife, Hoseok. 

“And when I’m with you I can’t get myself to give a single shit,” Hyungwon whispered before pushing Hoseok’s jaw up with his index finger and closing the distance, slow and sensual, licking over his lips carefully, curling an arm around his waist.   
  
_ Holy fuck. _ __  
__  
He kissed back, sucking the pink tongue into his mouth, arms still remaining on the edge of the kitchen counter. Hyungwon pushed him further into it, letting a leg slide between his thighs and long fingers slipped into his hair, pulling his head to the side to reveal his neck. The black-haired didn’t hesitate before attaching his lips to it, sucking along his jugular and his collarbones, dipping his tongue into the dent. His fingers tingled to touch the other man, to lift him up and press him against the wall, to hear those low moans against his skin, robbing him of any sense. 

Sense that he unfortunately needed.    
  
Hoseok couldn’t help making sounds, he had always been vocal and suppressing pleasure was admittedly not his strong point. He threw his head back, knuckles white from digging into the surface of the counter, the thigh between his legs too fucking close. The plump lips continued caressing his skin, sucking at pressure points and nibbling at the skin of his shoulders. 

When the beautiful man returned to Hoseok’s lips he pressed his leg further against Hoseok’s crotch, rubbing along it as he sucked on his tongue to catch the gasps that left him with his. The hand that was pulling his hair travelled down to his hips and pulled with the one around his the waist, lifting him to the counter. The plump lips left his immediately, pushing his shirt up with one hand and kissing and sucking along his chest instead, taking a pierced nipple into his mouth and rolling it over his tongue. Simultaneously Hyungwon pushed his long fingers into Hoseok’s tight jeans, just rubbing lightly without much contact.   
  
“Oh fucking hell, Hyungwon,” Hoseok moaned, hands leaving the counter and grabbing the other man’s hips, pressing him closer. “You’re making it really difficult to resist.” 

“Let me make you lose control for once,” the low voice whispered as Hyungwon bit into his nipple and used the reaction to open Hoseok’s jeans, hand easily slipping into his boxers and curling around his erection, thumb rubbing over the head as the other intertwined with his hair and pulling his head back.   
  
“But I want to lose control together,” he managed to press out before moaning loudly at the sensation of those long fingers fitting so perfectly around him. The grip tightened and Hyungwon stroked over the head, all the way to the base and back up, applying pressure.

“Not today,” he answered before kissing further along Hoseok’s abs and licking into his navel, arriving at his thighs and licking over the tip of his erection with his tongue, just shortly, no more than that as the hand kept moving up and down.   
  
_ It’s better than losing your shit while pleasing him, Hoseok. Much better.  _ __  
__  
He let go, sinking his fingers into the beautiful black strands of the other man’s hair, pulling lightly. Forcing himself to look down, he almost went crazy at the mesmerizing sight of Hyungwon’s tongue playing with his erection, plump lips so close.

“Continue watching,” the beautiful male breathed against his dick before he took the tip into his mouth and sucked, hand taking care of the rest with regular strokes. Letting go of the tip he rubbed the head over the lower lip and licked at it again, sliding down until the middle just before moving back up again and adding a few more kitten licks. It was torture. Beautiful, mind blowing torture.    
  
“I’m happy you don’t know what I’m thinking,” he groaned, trying to push Hyungwon’s head further on to his erection. He was only graced with more sucking at the tip before the other man let go.

“Then maybe you can tell me and I’ll deepthroat you in return?” Large brown eyes looked up at him as the long fingers continued their descend just to ascend again.  
  
_ Well if that doesn’t backfire. _ __  
__  
“You sure you can handle that?” He smirked down and let out a hiss. Hyungwon just smirked back.

“Considering you liked me telling you about my imaginations of you fucking me I guess it goes in the same direction,” he replied and licked at the head, dark eyes still focused on Hoseok.   
  
“Fine. Do you remember the way my fingers felt inside you? The way you screamed? I bet my dick feels so much better, it’d fill you out so beautifully. Every move would send spikes through your body. You’re so sensitive it would be mind blowing, holy shit.” Hoseok breathed irregularly, pictures manifesting in front of his inner eye. Hyungwon gasped against his dick at the words, hand tightening and lips parting as the eyes remained on him.

“Fuck,” he muttered before he sank down most of the way, letting Hoseok hit the back of his throat and sucking his way back up before he repeated the motions, pausing his hand because there wasn’t enough space to move it, playing with Hoseok’s balls instead.    
  
Hoseok moaned loudly, cursing in between and pulling the other man’s hair, gaze still painfully in place.    
  
“I’d let you ride me, so you can determine the pace and then if you are not able to move by yourself, I’d fuck you while you’re lying on your back. You could put your legs on my shoulders and I’d show you how much you can feel like that. You’d scream because, fuck, you’re so fucking hot when you lose it.” Hyungwon’s throat tightened around him as the other man swallowed, several times as his eyes lost focus shortly before it returned, effort increasing and moaning around the erection in his mouth. 

Hoseok was close. The verbalization of his own thoughts combined with the extremely intense blow job did their best.    
  
“I bet I could make you come untouched, just by moving inside you. Shit, you’d love it.” Hoseok started breathing really loudly, moans leaving his mouth every second exhale. The plump lips tightened further and Hyungwon hummed in agreement, sound rather desperate and speed increasing, reflecting the increasing pressure in Hoseok’s groin. 

“I love how I can lift you so easily. It’d be so hot to be inside you while pressing you against the wall, your legs around my hips.” The mental image was absolutely enough to send him over the edge, fingers tightening in the other man’s hair and muscles tensing impossibly before letting go completely. Hyungwon swallowed easily, licking and sucking lightly throughout the aftermath. When the other man let Hoseok’s erection slip out of his mouth he was breathing heavily with his mouth opened, eyes blown and staring up at Hoseok.

“I wanted to drive you mad, and you-” He stopped, gasping for air again and licking over his lips quickly before panting with his mouth opened again. “You just fuck me up like this. Shit, now I can’t think about anything else.”    
  
Hoseok exhaled a couple of times and jumped down the counter, lips curling into a smirk and zipping up his pants.    
  
“What do you want me to do for you?” Large eyes closed at the words as the other man took a calming breath, arms resting on each side of Hoseok against the counter as Hyungwon lifted himself from the ground.

“Fuck, I don’t know and I’m scared to talk.”   
  
Hoseok curled his arms around the thin waist, lips going for the soft neck immediately.    
  
“It’s okay. We won’t do anything you’re scared of. How about a shower?” He thought about the other man’s naked body covered in water drops and felt a tingling feeling all over his skin again.   
  
_ You just came, you animal. _ __  
__  
Hyungwon shook his head, still breathing heavily and closing his eyes for a few seconds, opening and closing them again as soon as he saw Hoseok.

“I’ll have to deal with this somehow. I said ‘not today’. I can’t just go back on my word like that, fuck,” he murmured and the sound of nails hitting the kitchen counter in a specific pattern sounded on Hoseok’s left.   
  
“No, no, no. If you think I’ll let you off the hook like this then you’re mistaken. You have no idea how much it gets me going and right now is the safest time for that.” Hoseok just lifted the other man up, holding his lean thighs in place and walking over to the bedroom. 

“Fuck, make me come untouched,” Hyungwon whispered in his ear, limbs tightening around him and air leaving the plump lips faster.   
  
_ Shouldn’t be a problem with his mind blowing sensitivity. _ __  
__  
“You have five minutes,” Hoseok groaned and let his legs slide down until they touched the ground in front of the bathroom. Hyungwon would have lost balance, had he been standing without support. Biting down on his lower lip the black-haired nodded slowly and disappeared behind the bathroom door, pullover hitting the floor even before he closed it properly.    
  
Hoseok got rid of his shirt because he was already sweating from the thought of touching Hyungwon. The other man was so beautiful and so fucking sensitive. It was a whole blessing. 

The black-haired was faster than five minutes, walking through the door and throwing himself on the mattress, beautifully naked and covered in drops of water.

“Do something so I stop thinking. I don’t want it to be about anything but your dick, Hoseok,” he gasped and threw his arm over his eyes, legs spreading.   
  
_ It’s like a meal. You’ll never be able to cook something as delicious as that. _ __  
__  
Hoseok crawled between the long legs while licking his lips before his tongue slid over Hyungwon’s inner thigh, teeth sinking into the soft skin.    
  
“You can’t even imagine how full you would feel,” he whispered, absolutely determined to make Hyungwon lose it. He was met with a low moan and the other man’s legs spreading further, arm still covering his eyes.

“Fuck, I want you,” Hyungwon gasped and threw his head to the side, free hand fisting the sheets although Hoseok had merely been licking over the inner thighs. He grabbed the lube from the drawer, covering his fingers and rubbing the fluid to warm it up while his teeth left tiny marks along the skin.    
  
“If you knew how much I want you. I bet you’d feel so tight around me.” He pushed a digit in while licking over a bite mark, curling it immediately. Hyungwon’s body convulsed in response, scream leaving his lips and thighs pushing together from the intensity before he spread them apart again, breath heavy and second hand grabbing the sheets above his head.

“You'd be my first,” he gasped, eyes focusing on Hoseok’s face before he closed them again, lower lip sucked into his mouth.   
  
_ That means he never...? Oh fucking hell. _ __  
__  
He couldn’t suppress a moan himself, intensifying the kisses and sucking on the transition between legs and crotch.    
  
“I’d make you forget everything around you,” Hoseok whispered while adding another finger and pressing down the spot while biting into the right thigh.

Hyungwon screamed again, thrashing around and throwing a leg over Hoseok’s shoulder, giving him more space to move.

“Please do, fuck, please make me forget everything, Hoseok,” he mumbled and pulled the sheets slightly off the mattress with the force that he put into his fists. It was so incredibly hot. The sight had something magical, comparable to seeing a mesmerizing painting at a museum for the first time, only with the thought that you were the one who had painted it. Hoseok sped up, deciding to make him feel more, leaning over the lean body and sucking on a nipple, adding a third finger slowly. It was a little risky but the pleasure was on a high level already. Sliding in he pressed upwards, getting the angle and went for the lips. 

The reaction was otherworldly. Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he screamed into Hoseok’s mouth, hands lifting from the sheets and grabbing his hair instead, pulling it tightly and slim hips meeting each movement of his fingers. Hyungwon’s eyes were completely unfocused, varying between only half open and completely closed. The black-haired had no difficulties with the way Hoseok bend his body forward, easily adjusting to the stretch and finally letting go of the blue strands when it got to much for him, arms resting above his head as moans spilled from his lips without a break, varying with shouts of Hoseok’s name.   
  
“And now imagine it’s much thicker but also really warm and veiny, and it’d fill you out completely.” Hoseok lost his shit equally, whispering everything that had crossed his mind without further monitoring and moving his fingers, wishing it was something else. 

“Fuck,” Hyungwon moaned, voice hoarse from all the screaming. “Can’t you just fuck me without asking, catching me on a high and do everything you fucking want to me,” he mumbled as he threw his head from left to right and obviously didn’t know what to do with his hands, hanging loosely above his head, no strength left to hold on.   
  
“I’ll think about it. Just grab my hair, pull it, scratch my back, do everything you want, Hyungwon.” He groaned, moving his hand skillfully and feeling the thin body tensing with each pump. 

“Oh my god, I’m close,” the black-haired gasped as fingers tightened painfully in Hoseok’s blue strands and nails scratched over his shoulder, pulling him closer. “Make me come, Hoseok. Give it to me, fuck. I want you.” He wanted him too, so fucking much, but he needed to make him come and stop thinking about the way his mind turned to mush as soon as Hyungwon entered his semi delirious state. He curled his fingers again, pressing down the spot and moving them, sinking his teeth into the beautiful man’s shoulder.

Hyungwon screamed again, whole body tensing up and clenching around Hoseok’s fingers as he came, pulling at Hoseok’s hair and burying his nails in his shoulder, soft moans following the loud outburst. 

He had always been into intense sexual encounters, searching for partners who would have satisfied it best. But holy fuck, nothing had been comparable to what he had on his bed at that exact moment. Hyungwon was simply mind blowing in every single way. Hoseok let his fingers slip out carefully, grabbing the tissues from the second drawer and wiping everything clean, including Hyungwon’s stomach before lying down next to the beautiful figure. 

The breaths that left the plump lips were still harsh, eyes only half opened and unfocused, just staring at an undefined spot in the air or the ceiling. It was hard to tell. 

“I feel like my soul left me,” Hyungwon whispered eventually, voice barely recognizable, and pushed up his knees, placing his hands above his head like he had before.   
  
“Mine too, it’s okay.” Hoseok chuckled and placed soft kisses against the other man’s arm lying next to him. 

“I’m addicted and I can’t think.”   
  
_ So are you. _ __  
__  
He curled his arms around the wet body, smelling the intoxicating mixture of sex and cherry wood and kissed the skin that was next to his lips.    
  
“It’s the same for me, Hyungwon. Everything's the same for me. I don’t want anything else.” A sigh followed his words and the other man closed his eyes and turned towards him before opening them again, brown orbs glancing at his.

“But I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t lose control around others, not even around myself much. But-” He paused and bit his lip. “I can’t help it with you.”   
  
_ It must be really important to him, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“I told you I’ll take care of you. I want you to feel safe. I hope you do. Did I make you uncomfortable with what I said?” he tried asking carefully. Hyungwon shook his head slowly, chewing on his lower lip repeatedly and interrupting the eye contact.

“No, I’m just- just afraid that I won’t forget it anymore.” The black-haired sighed again and placed a kiss against Hoseok’s lips. “I feel safe with you or I wouldn’t be here, but I feel like I will constantly think about what you said, wanting you. That’s what happens with me when I get a taste of something forbidden.” He chuckled.    
  
“It’s not forbidden. You can taste it whenever you want.” His voice sounded low and he hoped that the other wasn’t intimidated by that. He buried his head in the crook of Hyungwon’s delicious neck instead. The black-haired man’s breath hitched and he held it in before exhaling very slowly.

“But you said that I make it difficult for you.”   
  
“It’s only difficult if you don’t want it. It is very easy if you do.” The answer was simple, it really was. The other man’s naked body looked so breathtakingly beautiful, almost shining in the dimmed light of the bedroom, black ink spreading along the shoulder, chest and underarm.

Hyungwon just hummed, staring at an arbitrary point in space before tensing up a little.

“I keep you from drawing. That’s what Changkyun said,” the other murmured suddenly, soft fingertips stroking along Hoseok’s side. Yes, Changkyun also had wanted to make him angry like all those other times. It didn’t mean anything. He didn’t want to draw now anyway, he wanted Hyungwon to stay.    
  
“I want you to stay,” he whispered, body tensing and preparing for the disappointment. The other man froze, gaze switching towards him but not on his eyes this time.

“But we both have work tomorrow.”   
  
“I know. I know it all, but I still want you to stay. I’d drive you home before work and you could change and then I’d drive you to the company and go to the studio.” His brain worked furiously fast while thinking about solutions to possible problems, Hyungwon might have had. The other man just sighed.

“I- I don’t stay over at unfamiliar places, Hoseok, unless I’m completely out of it, which I am not. I need to be home when I sleep. I don’t feel comfortable otherwise. I can’t just spontaneously sleep over at your place,” the low voice explained, warm hand leaving Hoseok’s hip as if the mere fact that Hoseok wanted him to stay meant that Hyungwon had to leave now.   
  
_ Well, it’s not as if you really thought that he’d stay. _ __  
__  
“Okay you’ll get this one. I want to see how you live. Make a plan or whatever. I want to visit you at your place.” He stared at the other man’s face, putting the big hand back on his hip. The eyes widened and again the other man tensed a little.

“You want to visit me? I-” He stopped talking, just nodding instead. Hoseok grabbed his hand and put it into the blue hair.    
  
“Not now you dummy, just make a plan and get comfy with the thought or whatever you need and I’ll come over. You’re not my friend with benefits. I want to know everything about you. I’m greedy like that.” The black-haired nodded again, not saying a word and relaxing a little as his hand stroked over Hoseok’s head.

“But I should probably still leave soon.”   
  
_ And that’s why you’re so strange. He gives you a fucking wrecking ball but he never leaves it. He takes it with him until he decides to give it again. You’re addicted because you can’t have it. _ __  
__  
“You should or you want? If you want to, I’ll bring you home,” he whispered pressing the other man closer at least for the last couple of moments he was able to do so.

“Can you also drive me to the office? I planned on drawing until midnight,” Hyungwon replied calmly and hugged him back. Hoseok nodded and loosened his grip, standing up and searching for the other man’s clothes. Hyungwon chuckled.

“Why are you looking for mine instead of yours?” he asked and stood up, stretching shortly, reaching up with his long arms, before he grabbed his skinny jeans from the bathroom and slipped them on, without underwear as earlier. The pullover followed right after.   
  
“Because I still have my pants on, duh. Get ready, you don’t have that much time until midnight.” The other man’s eyes widened at the words and he quickly ran to the hallway, pulling his shoes over his feet, without socks although they were sneakers, and grabbed his jacket and his bag.

“Ready.”   
  
It was something between hilarious and ridiculous, the way Hyungwon just kicked every expectation and exchanged it for something so much more special. 

Hyungwon was absolutely mindblowing, mesmerizing and unique.    
  
_ So…perfect. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
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	15. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The rain felt just like the pattern you press with your fingers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to get yourself into Hyungwonho mood feel free to watch this:
> 
>  
> 
> [HYUNGWONHO](https://youtu.be/tTvSMaaUTbo)  
> 

The taxi was the same type, yellow and ridiculously expensive because of the famous neurologically altered brain structures that the drivers had from remembering the London streets well. The path was the same one, along the main road and turning to the left twice, following the path before turning right and stopping in front of the apartment. The price was the same and so were the two steps that Hyungwon had to take to end up in front of the entrance door.

Everything was familiar, but still discomfort spread in his chest, pulling at his consciousness and begging him to run away.

_You’re here to break the familiarity. Of course you feel uncomfortable._

Hyungwon had never been forced to part from a person he had seen regularly. Every goodbye had been a mutual one or one that happened naturally, interest fading or common qualities disappearing. After all he rarely had friends or acquaintances that didn’t share at least one passion of his. The interactions wouldn’t have worked out as there would have been nothing to talk about after a short while.

Saying goodbye to Minhyuk wasn’t comparable to that. It was unpleasant, but not only. The scorching pain that moved up his arms and filled his chest resembled the end of the world more than parting from someone he had a bodily relationship with.

_Does familiarity mean so much to you, Hyungwon?_

The two of them had been meeting for the past four years and started their arrangement shortly before Hyungwon became CEO.

There had been some mutual attraction which was fed mostly by Minhyuk having no inhibitions and Hyungwon not knowing the ways of social conduct. It had been easy and pleasant, fulfilling bodily urges with someone attractive, but also entertaining. The slightly older man had an interesting way of perceiving things and explained well, always taking the time to help Hyungwon comprehend certain behaviours.

He sighed, ringing the doorbell and forcing himself to get it over with. He wanted Hoseok and he had decided to date him. Ending his pleasure-based relationship was an inherent part of that. It was a rule.

_You like rules._

The door opened almost immediately and the pretty black-haired pushed his head through the open slit, smiling brightly and waving at Hyungwon to enter. The dissonance between the bright demeanor of the black-haired man and Hyungwon’s own perception of dread was numbing. He pulled his shoes off his feet, placing them carefully at the side as he always did and took a look around to calm his inner demons, reminding himself that the place was familiar and just the way it was supposed to be. Everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be.

_Except for your behaviour._

A pretty palm curled around his wrist before moving up his arm and Hyungwon jerked away, panic rising at the fact that he had to stop the bodily contact and the physical affection. It was also a rule. He had to.

“I-” he began, but stopped again as soon as Minhyuk pulled his hand back, frown on his face and lips pulled into a thin line, muscles tense. The other man crossed his arms instead of touching and leaned against the frame of the living room door, watching him intently. He was probably trying to read Hyungwon’s behaviour with his penetrative gaze.

“What’s the matter, Hyungwon? You’re obviously panicking,” the black-haired remarked and swung his hand around shortly, using the wrist as the turning point. It was a sign that he yearned to touch Hyungwon but didn’t.

“I have a boyfriend, so we can’t do this anymore.” The words left his lips quickly, resembling a waterfall that just needed to burst, finally releasing the pressure that piled up on the inside. His hands were shaking, but he couldn’t really control them, trying to focus on the way his shoes rested on the rack instead, organized and familiar. Everything was supposed to be familiar.

Minhyuk sighed and the arms that he had crossed in front of his chest relaxed, one hand reaching up to massage his temples before he looked up to the ceiling and took a deep breath. Hyungwon couldn’t tell whether that was a good reaction or a bad one, but the silence was disconcerting. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, standing in the middle of the hallway without saying a word and not knowing what to do with himself. He couldn’t just go to the bedroom and please the black-haired man as he used to. He was supposed to stop.

_It’s a rule._

“Well, I’m glad for you. That was the deal, wasn't it? We pull this through until one of us gets a boyfriend and then we wish the other person well.” A pregnant pause followed. “Lovely,” Minhyuk remarked, but his voice sounded a little different than usual. The arrangement of notes was a little lower, unfitting to the common high tones used by the other man. When Hyungwon looked up he could see a smile, but it didn’t fit to the rest of the features so he couldn’t sort it anywhere, thereby not recognizing the emotion. Minhyuk had become unreadable.

_Just ask._

“Are you okay?”

The pretty man chuckled and threw his head back with a proper laugh, eyes finally catching up with his mouth and fitting the expression, creating a homogeneous whole again. It still looked a little sad from the way he held his body, but Hyungwon took what he could get.

“Sure, it’s just that you’re not the only one who likes familiarity, Hyungwon. Everyone does. I’m just getting used to the thought of not touching you anymore. Want a tea?” The black-haired grinned at him and disappeared into the kitchen, sound of the kettle turning on filling the room. It felt strange because Hyungwon had only been in the kitchen once, for a tea, before Minhyuk had jumped him for the first time. He followed the other man and sat down at the table, watching how a cup was taken out of the cupboard and a tea bag was placed inside. There was a new picture on the wall and it rose his stress levels almost immediately, so he looked for something else to focus on.

Minhyuk had very beautiful hands, very delicate in their features just like the rest of him. In general the black-haired looked so different from Hoseok, more soft and fragile. Like someone who deserved to be protected and not someone to run to for protection.

“Tell me about him,” the black-haired remarked as he poured hot water over the tea bag, looking at Hyungwon through his fringe. No matter how long he had known the man in front of him, he still couldn’t read his facial expressions unless it was pleasure or dissatisfaction.

_He wants to hear about Hoseok? Is that normal?_

Hyungwon couldn’t tell. He had tried to look up how other people ended beneficial relationships but apparently it had only involved saying that it was over and disappearing into the night. It seemed rude to him to just walk out and knowing Minhyuk the other wouldn’t let him. He could be rather fierce if he wanted to and he knew Hyungwon too well. At least his controlled self.

“He’s handsome and likes tattooing, draws well and can express emotions without using facial expressions. It’s really impressive,” Hyungwon commented after taking a sip from his tea. “But why would you like to know?”

“I’m just curious what kind of person got you out of your shell. It’s hard to imagine.”

Hyungwon nodded at the words. Minhyuk had always said that he would have difficulties finding someone because of his strangeness and frustrating regulations. Silence filled the room again as both of them occupied themselves with their respective cups of tea.

“It’s the guy who tattooed you, isn’t it? Both chest and shoulder,” Minhyuk said quietly before sitting down next to Hyungwon, watching his expression intently. It was slightly uncomfortable, proximity familiar but unwanted.

“Yes.” There wasn't much else to say. The two of them mainly talked when Hyungwon had issues understanding other people or when he acted in a way that the black-haired man disliked. Silences were always filled with touching and the ongoing quiet scared him.

Minhyuk chuckled again and put an arm around his shoulders, forcing him to jerk unpleasantly at the sudden contact. The rejection was enough to crack the black-haired next to him, eyes changing and hiss leaving his lips.

“What the fuck, Hyungwon? Are you telling me I can’t even put a platonic arm around your shoulders? I’m really happy for you but you are making it much worse than it has to be.” The distaste for his actions was easily identifiable, mouth pulling into a thin line again and eyes widening slightly. “What are you going to do? Walk out of that door and never appear again?”

_Yes?_

His solution suddenly seemed off to him, wishing to calm Minhyuk down but not knowing any methods that were not bodily. He had a boyfriend so he had to stay away from other people physically. Touching was only reserved for Hoseok, such were the regulations.

“But I read it up and one is not supposed to touch other people in a relationship. If I touch you he could get upset and I don’t want him to,” he explained and hoped to make the other man understand. A lot of people wrote that they felt furious about a hug alone, so he couldn’t risk it.

“Hyungwon, the internet isn’t the most accurate representation of reality. Just because crazy teenagers want to choke people for touching their lover doesn’t mean sane and grown-up people do that. Hugs are not a problem unless they turn sexual, which they don’t because I am not stupid and hopefully neither are you.” Minhyuk stood up and sighed again. It sounded frustrated as he placed his empty cup into the sink. As soon as he was done he turned to Hyungwon, gaze rather intimidating.

“Listen up, Chae Hyungwon. I don’t give a shit whatever you created in that stuck-up head of yours but ‘friends with benefits’ does include the term ‘friends’ and if you intend on walking through that front door of mine and avoiding all contact with me I swear to god I am going to make your life hell, do you understand me?”

Hyungwon swallowed, discomfort spreading again and clogging up his head. The black-haired was furious at his decision to leave and he didn’t know how to convince him otherwise.

“But we always had sex. It will be difficult to not do that anymore and I am not allowed to either,” he replied carefully, hoping that Minhyuk wouldn’t get even angrier.

“For fuck’s sake, I just told you that we should remain friends. You can’t just abandon all the people around you because something changed, Hyungwon! You’ll feel lonely. Are you trying to tell me you don’t feel bad about not seeing me again despite loving someone else?”

“Of course I feel uncomfortable, but how am I supposed to know why?” Hyungwon replied, voice low and calm. He was always the one who stayed calm among the two of them.

“Do you want to fuck me right now?” Minhyuk’s gaze was intense, digging right through and hands leaning against the kitchen table as he stared at him.

“No.”

“But you still feel uncomfortable?”

_Do you?_

He did. He felt like the situation was off, not the way it should be and out of his comfort zone, but he didn’t want to leave either. It was strange. He would have ran already if the problem would have been the proximity to the other man.

“Yes.”

A sigh left Minhyuk’s lips again and this time it resembled relief. The delicate hands left the table and the black-haired leaned against the kitchen counter, brushing stray strands from his attractive face. He was pretty, but Hyungwon had no desire to do anything about that. It was so different from how he felt about Hoseok and how he had felt about the man in front of him before.

“Let’s just be friends, Hyungwon. Drink a coffee once in a while, talk about your work or whatever makes you happy and I’ll tell you about my impossibly active sex life now that we’re done with this.” A pretty smile spread over the soft features and the beautiful hand stretched out towards him, resting on his shoulder. “Hook me up so I can also get such a fab tattoo.”

Hyungwon smiled back, strangely relieved at the situation although it hadn’t ended the way he anticipated. He was still sitting in Minhyuk’s kitchen and sipping on a cup of tea without any idea how to behave around the other man except for keeping himself in check and not touching him sexually.

_But at least you kept your world in one piece, Hyungwon._

___

 

When he left the familiar apartment and walked towards his office he felt strange. It wasn’t uncomfortable or pleasant, but rather a mixture of the two emotions. Like a bittersweet taste. Something that might be bitter at first, soaking the tongue in unpleasantries until the sweet taste overshadowed everything and turned it into something worthwhile again.

Maybe that was how it was? Hoseok was bittersweet, forcing Hyungwon out of his comfort zone but comforting him with all the things and emotions he was able to show and give him.

_And that’s what makes it worthwhile._

Stepping through the entrance door and nodding at the receptionist he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. The familiar name immediately conjured a smile on his face.

“Hi, Jin!” he exclaimed excitedly, before realizing he was rather loud for the entrance hall of his company and quieted down a little, ignoring a few surprised looks.

“Hi Hyungwon, I was kinda worried because you didn’t call for a while. Is everything going fine with you? Saturday still on?” his brother asked, but the last sentence was obviously a joke question, not carrying the right intonations.

“I am okay, I think. I stopped my beneficial relationship with Minhyuk, but he said he wanted to remain friends so I kind of agreed and now he wants to see me once in a while for a tea or something but I am not quite sure what once in a while is, but he said that he will write to me and then I will see and he wants to meet Hoseok because he also wants a tattoo which makes a lot of sense because the tattoos that Hoseok does are really beautiful and everybody should have one. But actually I don't want him to have a personal drawing by Hoseok because only I do that and I don’t want anyone else to have it. Just me. And I hate Hoseok’s ex boyfriend be-”

“Hyungwon, wait.”

He stopped talking, realizing that he had let his thoughts rain down on the other man without sorting or filtering them. It always confused Jin unless Hyungwon created artificial structure.

“Sorry, I got carried away,” he murmured as he stepped into the elevator, nodding at a model before pressing his floor.

“I thought you wanted to avoid the tattoo artist, Hyungwon,” Jin said but it sounded more amused than accusatory. Hyungwon really hated not seeing facial expressions. Phone calls never provided enough information to make good behavioural choices.

“I can't so I'm dating him now and stopped sleeping with Minhyuk,” Hyungwon answered and felt the gaze of the model on the side of his face. It was unpleasant so he looked at her eyes once to make her uncomfortable in return. The line was quiet and for a few seconds Hyungwon thought the connection broke until Jin cleared his throat.

“That's- that's great, Hyungwon. I'm really happy that you found someone you like.” His brother left a break that felt a little too long but it could have been Hyungwon's subjective perception of time. “Is Minhyuk okay?”

_He's worried about Minhyuk, so there is probably a reason to be. Have you upset him?_

“He was a little angry because I wanted to stop contact all together but then he was okay and even wanted a tattoo,” Hyungwon explained and left the elevator on his floor, walking towards his office and the comfort that his paintings provided. Jin hummed and sorted something judging by the sound of paper.

“Listen Hyungwon, how about you bring Hoseok along this Saturday? Alice will happily make enough food for all of us,” his brother proposed, voice calm and controlled, no hesitation or strange pauses.

_He means it._

Hyungwon swallowed slowly and tried to imagine the thought, discomfort spreading through his chest again. He lifted his gaze to focus on his favourite painting, jumping from one pattern to the next without seeing the whole.

“Why would you want him to come, Seokjin? You have no logical reason for that,” he replied and fought with the mental image of Hoseok sitting at his sister in law’s table and eating variations of her creative interpretations of Korean food. It didn't fit. Hoseok was always in his tattoo studio, in his apartment, in Hyungwon's office or on the rooftop. Nowhere else.

Jin sighed on the other end of the line.

“You never want us to meet them. What if I have a really good reason this time?” It sounded like a challenge and Hyungwon had difficulties rejecting challenges.

“Then I'll do it. But emotional justifications aren't sufficient, Jin.” His brother chuckled at the comment before sorting something else and taking a slow breath, exhaling just as calmly. Hyungwon wished he could be that calm at all times.

“I want to assess whether you have depicted him accurately and realistically in your drawings. I can only do that when I see him in person because pictures easily alternate reality. Further I am a rather busy individual so Saturday happens to be the only good opportunity.” The other man's voice was stable and confident, knowing exactly that his argument was sound and Hyungwon had lost.

_You'll have to bring Hoseok._

“I hate you,” he murmured in response, perfectly aware of the fact that he had promised to agree if the argument was rational, which it was.

His brother chuckled on the other end of the line and produced a noise that resembled the action of blowing a kiss.

“No, you love me, Hyungwon.”

“Platonically,” he added quickly, preparing to end the call.

“Of course little brother, whatever makes you sleep at night,” the cheerful voice called out through the phone before ending the call.

_You have to tell him today. Two days are the minimum amount of time for plan changes._

Hyungwon sighed loudly and jerked at the sudden presence on his right. Kyungsoo was standing at the door and it was apparent that he had waited for him to finish his phone call.

“May I disturb you, Mr. Chae?” the shorter man asked and Hyungwon couldn't help his eye roll. Kyungsoo was hard to beat at his job but sometimes he didn’t comprehend the most basic things.

“I already told you. If you already asked, then that is an immediate disturbance so why not get to the point immediately?” he remarked and placed the documents on his desk to the side, creating some room for the drawings he intended to create.

“I apologize. Mr. Shin has entered the building a while ago and walked up to the rooftop. As it is raining, would you like me to prepare a change of clothes for him?” Kyungsoo inquired, still standing in the door and gaze focused on the ground.

_Hoseok is here? On the rooftop again?_

Hyungwon couldn’t help the feeling that something must have happened, something to make the other man uncomfortable enough to get soaked on the rooftop.

_Last time he had been angry at you._

Fear built up almost instantly, numbing his fingers and convincing him to stay away and leave the other man alone. But conflicts needed to be solved when there were some, so Hyungwon just nodded at his secretary and left the office.

The rooftop was a mixture of wet grey and the couple of plants that graced the sides of the benches. Hoseok was scribbling on a piece of paper, trying to hide it from the rain by curling his spine and hovering over it. His hair was absolutely wet, drops falling down the blue bangs, landing between the other man's feet.

Hyungwon walked over to him, ignoring the rain and the way it dropped on his hair and shoulders, amount merciless.

“Hoseok?” he asked carefully, sitting down next to the other man and ignoring the fact that it was wet. The man with sea-colored hair didn't react, eyes narrowed and gaze intense, focused on the paper in front of him. Hyungwon couldn’t help the worry that piled up, lack of reaction disconcerting and unusual for Hoseok. He tried to read the facial expressions, but the other man was covering most of it with his arms, only paying attention to the drawing on his lap.

_Touch him._

Hyungwon reached out and let his fingers caress the pale skin of Hoseok’s neck, unhealthily cold compared to its usual warmth.

“Hoseok? Are you okay?” he tried again.

The other man jerked at the touch, but kept his gaze focused, lifting his head a little and drawing continuously.

_You’re not getting through, Hyungwon._

Well, maybe he didn’t have to. He let his fingers slide upwards until they sank into the other man’s hair and stroked over his scalp, applying a little pressure as he leaned against the bench, throwing his own head back and letting drops hit his face. It felt strange, just sitting there and letting the rain soak his clothes, but it was also different, a new experience, something he enjoyed although it was cold.

Hoseok folded his drawing, putting it into his backpack, next to the other dozen drawings. The shaky fingers closed the zipper and the muscular, pale figure leaned back against the bench, brushing his bangs back and turning towards the sky, eyes closed and raindrops hitting the white skin mercilessly. The other man was simply beautiful and Hyungwon wished he could get him out of his trance somehow. The expression didn’t look as peaceful as it should have been.

Instead of talking he just continued stroking over the wet sea-colored hair and focused on the way the thick drops hit his face, collecting into bigger puddles until they ran down his cheeks in a wet line. After what could have been minutes or hours he freed the blue strands from his touch and placed his hand on top of Hoseok’s, resting on the bench. It seemed like the right thing to do.

“The sea water turns into lava sometimes and then it flows down and boils everything, leaving hot ash behind, that turns into stone after a while. Just cold and wet. It feels dead,” Hoseok whispered not opening his eyes. Hyungwon couldn’t help his surprise, turning towards the man with the sea-colored hair but keeping his palm on top of the other’s.

It must have been a metaphor because it sounded scientifically inaccurate. Water didn’t turn into lava, but it was true that lava fell into the sea and cooled down, eventually turning to stone. Hoseok seemed to assign emotions to lava.

_You called him the sea. He’s saying that he’s becoming lava that destroys everything and ends up cold and dead in the end._

Hyungwon frowned at the conclusion, not comprehending why Hoseok would call someone as lively as himself dead. He removed his hand from Hoseok’s and circled his arms around the wet shoulders instead, pulling the beautiful man closer to his chest.

“Why do you feel dead? To me you always seem so bright.”

Hoseok removed the arms from his shoulders and stood up, looking over the surface of the rooftop, taking off his jacket and throwing it on the bench. He walked over to a big puddle and lay down, water covering his hair and the arms, stretched on both sides, like an angel, letting rain drop on top of him.

Something in Hyungwon’s head had a strong aversion towards the behaviour, but the other man looked ethereal, despite the dirty color of the water. He just stood at the side, watching Hoseok lie on the ground and didn’t know what to do.

_Usually you would have told him to stop, why aren’t you?_

Something about Hoseok looked like he needed that, doing something impossibly strange and wrong, dirtying his clothes further and probably endangering his health. Worry rose up and Hyungwon couldn’t remain still anymore, walking over to Hoseok and grabbing his hand, trying to pull him up.

“Come on, Hoseok, stand up, you’ll get ill.”

The other sat up without any comment before jumping right to his feet and walking to the bench, grabbing his jacket and backpack and attempting to leave. Hyungwon panicked, grabbing the cold wrist and using his whole weight to keep Hoseok in place. The numbing feeling began spreading through his fingers and reaching his under arms.

“Wait, what is the matter? Why aren’t you talking to me?”

Hoseok turned around. His lips were almost the same colour as his hair, skin of the handsome face impossibly white from the cold and the raindrops. It scared Hyungwon beyond belief, numbing feeling spreading further, reaching his shoulders and chest hurting.

“I want to go home,” the other man whispered. Only then did Hyungwon realize that rain was not the only liquid flowing over the pale cheeks. A strong but shivering hand peeled off his fingers and Hoseok walked over to the entrance.

He couldn’t breathe, sight of the fresh tears running down the other man’s cheeks blurring his vision and numbing his motoric response. He just stood there, watching Hoseok disappear behind the door and unable to react accordingly. He never could.

_Did he cry because of you, Hyungwon?_

He didn’t know, but it also didn’t really matter. There was no way that he could have helped anyway. Crouching down he placed his palms flat against the cold, soaked ground, hoping to regain his senses and stop being impossibly afraid. He couldn’t. His chest still constricted painfully and he couldn’t breathe properly, image of the beautiful man and the hurt facial expression overwhelming.

_Don’t let him leave._

The thought was sudden, but late. He stood up, feeling how the soaked fabric of his clothes weighed him down, each step heavier than the next as he left the rooftop, quickly walking towards the elevator before giving up on it and running down the stairs. There was no way that he would arrive on time but he still hoped, hoped to stop Hoseok and resolve the hurt the other man was feeling. He didn’t know how but he had to. It was his role and he couldn’t just let Hoseok be hurt on his own.

_You’re supposed to be his boyfriend, what are you even doing?_

Reaching the exit he glanced around, trying to find the white-blue combination of Hoseok’s hair but couldn’t identify it in the mass of people, rain blurring everything and covering faces with umbrellas.

_The two of you don’t know umbrellas, do you?_

They had never been really good at protecting themselves apparently. Otherwise Hyungwon wouldn’t have been breaking his routines for the past weeks. His head hurt and he felt discomfort, but he still requested a taxi, jumping in and telling the driver Hoseok’s address. It was the second time that week that he drove over to the other man’s apartment in a hurry.

_Just that you don’t have an umbrella to protect you._

The panic rose again, streets blurring in front of his eyes and water drowning the sounds in a regular rush. It was calming enough to climb out after paying and running over to the familiar door, palm held above his head to avoid drops. It was pointless. He was completely soaked, but Hoseok was more important. He had to make him feel better and make sure he wasn’t upset anymore.

His eyes burned but that was typical, brain not forgetting the sight and constantly attempting to copy it, to make him cry too, to feel the way Hoseok did, but he couldn't. He had to help and not fall into the same pattern. The fear spiked up again as he rang the bell, hoping that the other man had really come home.

A pale hand put the key into the keyhole, reaching from behind.

_You were faster._

Hyungwon’s breathing pattern picked up and he stepped to the side, letting Hoseok open the door as he watched the other man’s facial expression, trying to assess how he was feeling.

“I don’t know what happened, but I want to make you feel better. Can’t you let me?” he murmured quietly, long fingers reaching for Hoseok’s upper arm and curling around it. He couldn’t help feeling scared that the other man didn’t want him there.

Hoseok didn't react, eyes somehow empty and expression blank, walking up the stairs, dragging him along because of the linked arms. It was impossible not to follow. Hyungwon was scared to let go and the blue-haired man didn’t seem to care much about him as walked up. Hoseok wasn’t himself.

“Hoseok, let me help you,” Hyungwon tried again, voice barely a whisper and burning in his eyes increasing, numbing his face. He hated the feeling.

Walking into the apartment, the other went to the bedroom immediately, undressing and throwing the soaked fabric on a pile, before crawling under the blanket, shivering.

_Oh god, what are you supposed to do, Hyungwon?_

He didn't know. He didn’t know anything when it came to other people being hurt or out of it. He had never had to deal with anything like that. Unable to act he just stood in front of the door to the bedroom and fought with his associations and the fact that the current situation didn’t fit at all. He had to do something, but talking didn’t work. Hyungwon didn’t know the right words, but he also didn’t know the right actions.

_You’re useless in this situation._

He fought the immediate hyperventilation that began, forcing himself to enter the room. His cheeks were wet but he couldn’t tell if it was his mirror reaction to Hoseok or his body being overwhelmed by the input he couldn’t comprehend. It was just too much.

_Just do what you always did as a child, you’ll feel better._

He swallowed and pulled the wet fabric over his head, following Hoseok’s example and pulled the tight jeans down his legs with effort.

The apartment wasn’t that cold but the other man was still shivering. Hyungwon bit his lips and crawled into the sheets beside him. Instead of closing his eyes and hoping for everything to end he reached out, curling his long arms around the shivering body and pulling him closer towards himself, placing a soft kiss on the muscular shoulder and creating as much body contact as possible, lying flush against him, eyes closed and hoping it would help.

_You have to outweigh his thoughts with sensory input, Hyungwon._

_He’s your safe heaven, now you have to be his._

 

_***_

 

The thin lines appeared on the golden skin. The girl was pretty tough considering the fact that her tattoo went over the whole leg. The draft was modelled on the staves of sheet music, lines curling and creating an exciting dynamic, waiting to be filled with notes.

“What would you think if your girlfriend wouldn't want to stay over at your place?” Hoseok turned to Shownu, who was working on a picture of a puppy on a woman's underarm. The other lifted his gaze in surprise.

“I'd think that she doesn't want to have sex. Isn't it the most common reason? I mean sleeping together in one bed kind of leads to things. It's also a little intimate, morning wood and brushing teeth together while looking like shit. Maybe she's not ready, I don't know.” The hand continued placing tiny dots on the skin.

_It's too much for him. You're probably too much._

“I can't relate to that. I want to attach myself if I'm in love, doesn't matter where and how. I mean- you must remember me basically living at your place.” Changkyun’s low voice sounded behind his shoulder but he tried to ignore it. “Why? Is the pretty top not affectionate enough?”

Hoseok almost choked on his own spit, turning around and throwing an intimidating gaze at the short man, who sat on the tattoo table across, wearing a white shirt that stood in an extreme contrast to the fully tattooed body and ripped jeans showing patterns on the skin inside the holes. He looked good.

_He is affectionate, it's just not regular._

“Can't you find someone normal to date? Someone who cares about you and makes you happy?” Hyunwoo mumbled in a way that made clear that it had been a rhetorical question.

“So you're dating? Wow. I'm not judging or anything but how can you live without sex? Your drive is no joke, one has to be crazy to keep up with you and you're dating someone who won't let you,” Changkyun said with his mocking voice before it turned playful. “But I'm always there for you if you need me.”

The blood started boiling in Hoseok’s veins and he lifted the machine, looking at the pink-haired girl with an apologetic smile.

“Don't make me angry, Kkung,” he hissed. The other just chuckled and slid down the table to lean over his shoulder, observing the progress of the tattoo.

_How come you're never angry at, Hyungwon? You have major anger management issues, you groan and punch objects._

It was indeed strange. Changkyun had told him once how much fun it was for him because Hoseok was king of angry-fucking. That time he had wiped everything from his table, glass breaking and things flying down before he had bent the other man over it.

_You were angry once, in the elevator, where he just kissed you._

Either way it was very strange and he was a little scared to show Hyungwon who he was dealing with.

_He thinks you're the sea but you're a fucking tsunami._

His best friend just laughed at the way Changkyun and him kept bickering and riling each other up, although it wasn't funny. The short black-haired man reminded him of the way he normally behaved and made the differences after comparison much more radical.

_Maybe you're really losing your shit, Hoseok?_

Still he had to submit the final drawings for the project. It seemed as if he was procrastinating, scared of the impact it would have if he was done and Hyungwon didn't need him anymore. He decided to go to the rooftop in the evening, try to finish everything up and stop thinking about scary consequences.

_

 

It was already dark outside, only the sound of rain hitting the sidewalk unusually loud and Changkyun fumbling with some printed drafts remaining. Hoseok looked at his watch. It was eight, perfect time to go over to the company. It was raining but it was warmer than usual.

“How are you?” He turned around and saw Changkyun standing right next to him with a strange expression on his face. It wasn't playful and it wasn't nasty. It looked as if the other was worried about something.

_Why?_

“Ehm, I- I'm fine?” he stuttered, a little taken aback by the unusual behaviour and started packing his things, turning on the coffee machine to get an espresso before going over.

The slim figure moved closer and leaned against the counter, gaze not leaving Hoseok’s face. An uncomfortable feeling spread in his insides.

“What's wrong, Changkyun? Why are you so weird?” he asked without looking at the other man, a little scared for no reason.

“I meant, are you okay after the two years I've been gone? Is everything fine with you?” The seriousness of the voice signalled that it was going to be an uncomfortable talk.

_Oh no. You already had trouble talking to Hyungwon about it. Why can't he just forget everything and keep his nasty smirk and annoy the shit out of you._

“Yes, it was a long time. I had time to adjust, thank you for asking. Aren't you going home?” Hoseok wanted to switch the topic and move on, watching how the dark brown liquid dropped into the white cup.

“Hoseok, I-” Everything turned silent, even the rain didn't make the loud noises anymore. “I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm really sorry for going away like that. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't.” He felt how the panic crept up his limbs making breathing difficult, lungs trying hard to suck in air.

_No Hoseok, it's been so long since the last time, don't lose your shit._

He grabbed the counter and exhaled sharply, waiting until he was able to breathe in again.

“Let's not talk about things that are in the past. It's over anyway,” he managed to press out, eyes closing at the boiling sensation in his veins. A warm hand grabbed his shoulder, turning him around.

“No, I really need you to know. It wasn't because of you- you didn't do anything wrong. You were-" The voice stopped all of the sudden. “You were perfect. I mean- you still are. I was a dumb idiot. I'm not trying to make excuses that I was young, but I thought there was so much more for me. I should've just stayed with you.”

_No. Shit, Hoseok, get yourself together._

He felt how the tears had filed his eyes while the blood started boiling like lava inside a volcano.

“Why? Fuck, why are you telling me that now? Do you think it makes it better? It doesn't. You should've told me before you disappeared so I could've had a normal life instead of thinking about every tiny thing that I might have done wrong for you to leave like that.” The tears just started running down his cheeks without him being able to control it in any way. Small, warm hands reached for his face, wiping the liquid. The other man cried too, biting down on his lower lip.

“Don't cry. You don't have a fucking reason and no right to. Just laugh and make fun of me, but don't stand here saying you're sorry and wiping my tears.” Hoseok jerked away from the hand, turning around and emptying the cup in one shot before grabbing his backpack and jacket and brushing along Changkyun’s shoulder while passing by. The other stopped him, fingernails digging into his muscles painfully.

“I have a reason. I still want you, Hoseok, and I'm sure I can give you everything you want now. I can love you more.” Warm, salty lips connected to his, numbing his senses.

_He can't._

Hoseok jerked away after a couple of seconds and ran out into the rain, letting it hit his skin mercilessly.  
  
_

  
  
The rain hitting the skin hadn't been enough to shift his perceptions. The sinking down the puddle on the rooftop hadn't either. He had wanted to become watercolor, to dissolve in the water, but he was kept in his entirety, the low voice not giving him the chance to lose himself in the perception. He needed to go, to go away, to do something else, to numb his senses until he couldn’t feel anymore. Hurt and torture from two years of quiet had returned like a wrecking ball smashing everything he had built up carefully, trying to make sense of everything that had happened.  
  
_Before he apologized saying he still wanted you._  
  
It was not about the other man, or whether he had wanted him or not. It was about the countless nights and days, lost while struggling and living like a shadow of himself, losing motivation and inspiration to draw. The only thing he was capable of doing.  
  
When he walked back home, completely soaked, rain hitting his skin mercilessly, it somehow calmed him down, reminding him of the pattern Hyungwon had pressed against his skin with the long fingers. The thing the other man did when he was nervous.  
  
Someone had waited in front of the door, but he couldn’t hear anything, just wanting to dissolve. He got rid of his clothes and slipped under the blanket, trying to get warm again, but it was just cold. Everything was cold, cold ash, lying over everything that could’ve been able to live.  
  
_Why aren’t you blue watercolor, dissolving in the water, blurring the borders and disappearing slowly?_  
  
Something started burning against his skin, hot like lava, leaving boiling traces, letting his body shiver and eyes opening wide in realization.  
  
_Hoseok, it’s him, he’s here. Where are you?_  
  
He looked around blinking and shivering more. It looked like his bedroom. The beautiful black-haired man was pressing his body closer, breaths hitting his skin like fireguns.  
  
“Why is it so cold? Fuck, why am I so cold?” he whispered, voice sounding like someone else.

“Because you got soaked on the rooftop although it’s below five degrees,” the low voice answered and another whiff of hot air hit his shoulder, arms around his waist tightening and pulling him completely flush against the hot body. It burned. Every centimeter of the other man’s skin against his burned like a fire, hurting him and shivering intensifying even more.  
  
“You feel like lava. Why are you here?” He stared at the brown eyes, not able to concentrate properly.

“I was worried about you because you didn't react. What happened, Hoseok?” Hyungwon said and placed a hot kiss against Hoseok’s nape, eyes focused on his.  
  
_What happened, Hoseok? What did you do?_  
  
He had absolutely no idea. He just remembered the way the rain felt on his skin.  
  
“I don’t know. The rain felt like the way you press the rhythm with your fingers.” Eyes widened at his words and the black-haired slipped his fingers along Hoseok’s arm before they intertwined with his and he began pressing down in a regular pattern.

“This?” he asked quietly.  
  
Hoseok nodded with his eyes closed and tried to stop his muscles from shivering, but it was so cold and hot at the same time. How did he end up in his bed, with Hyungwon next to him? It was like a daydream. It probably was one. But it was dark. And he had worked wanting to go over to the company, before Changkyun had told him things.  
  
_He told you that he’s sorry. He apologized. He said he wanted you and he kissed you, Hoseok._  
  
A breath got stuck in his throat painfully, lungs not able to move and let it out. He clenched his hands into fists, trying to calm down.  
  
_You were at the rooftop and you tried to dissolve in water, but it doesn’t work, Hoseok. How many times do you want to try it?_  
  
He exhaled harshly and didn’t breathe in again, eyes closed and paying attention to the way his body shivered. Fingers caressed his jaw before hot breath hit his lips.

“Don’t think,” Hyungwon’s low voice whispered before Hoseok felt hot lips against his, pattern of the other man’s fingers on his palm continuing endlessly. He breathed in through his nose and curled his arms around the warm body. Hot kisses on his jaw, cheeks and nose followed before they returned to his lips, hand leaving his jaw and stroking over his hair instead.  
  
“I wish I could.” He let out a loud breath, trying to make his lungs work properly, concentrating on the way Hyungwon pressed his fingers.

“Let’s put you into the shower or the bath, Hoseok. You are freezing. I’m worried.” The arms loosened a little. He didn’t want to go anywhere. He just wanted to breathe.  
  
“I just want to be able to breathe. Please,” he pressed out, sucking in air forcefully. The body around him tensed shortly, before the kisses resumed, moving from his lips along his neck and collarbones, leaving hot trails. Hyungwon turned him a little to be able to lean over him, licking over his chest and caressing his hip bones, rubbing his thumb over them in a circular motion.  
  
“You burn.” Hoseok tried to make sense of what was happening and whether it was happening in reality or some extra universe he had created to not deal with traumatic and emotionally straining things.

“Is it painful?” Hyungwon asked, pausing the ministrations except for the caresses that his left hand left on Hoseok’s hip. The right hand continuously pressed down in its regular pattern, holding onto his tightly.  
  
“It’s not. I still don’t know whether you’re really here, in my bedroom. I think I had a blackout.” His hands searched for the warm body, shivering getting better, body accommodating to the temperature of the other man. A low chuckle sounded from the plump lips before they closed around a nipple and sucked shortly, licking over it tenderly.

“Is that what it’s like for others when I lose myself? It always seems much scarier,” he commented before dipping his tongue into the hollow in Hoseok’s collarbones and intertwining their legs. His body reacted immediately, apparently more ready than his mind, processing all the sensations perfectly.

“I’m sorry. I’m not myself right now. You’re beautiful when you lose yourself.” A quiet moan left his lips at the other man’s thigh pressing against his crotch. Hyungwon looked up again, large eyes watching him as the other slipped a little lower, sucking on his chest and biting into his abdominal muscles.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked before sliding back up and placing another hot kiss on Hoseok’s lips, putting the arms on each side of his head.  
  
“I know where I am. And I know that you’re here for some unknown reason. I know that you feel like burning lava and I think I can breathe, but not for long if you continue doing this.” He looked at the other man’s face. It was so incredibly beautiful that it must’ve been a dream. Again a low chuckle filled the room before Hyungwon tilted his head a little.

“I feel like burning lava? I thought that was a metaphor for yourself. Sea water cooling down lava and leaving stone,” he said and sucked Hoseok’s lower lip into his mouth, putting his whole weight on top of him instead of holding it up. “I’m here because I was worried about you and followed you.”  
  
_You probably scared him. Shit, Hoseok why did you go there?_  
  
He couldn’t remember. His body had moved by itself, going to the rooftop and doing things.  
  
“Sorry. I must’ve scared you. I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I might’ve said something that doesn’t make any sense. I don’t remember.” Hoseok curled his arms around the body on top of him, feeling of skin against skin overwhelming and warming up his body. Hyungwon kept his weight on top of his, just holding some of it with his elbows so he could look at Hoseok’s face, frowning a little.

“Who or what hurt you like this?”  
  
_Hope. Hope that things would work out._  
  
“Me. It was me,” Hoseok answered. It was somehow true. It didn’t matter whether Changkyun had apologized. He was the one who had waited for a wonder or an explanation or anything to make it better, instead of accepting the truth. “I’m sorry I can’t really remember anything besides a couple of episodes. If you asked or said something important I’m afraid that you might need to repeat it again, although I’m not sure about being sane right now either.”

The other man just smiled and lifted his body up, sitting down on Hoseok’s thighs instead and glanced towards the bathroom.

“I didn’t say anything important. Yet. How do you feel about that shower now? It is of particular importance considering you could get a cold after semi-swimming in a puddle on the rooftop.”  
  
_Oh no, he was there._  
  
“Oh god, I’m sorry. Sometimes I just...” He bit his lip. It was not the time for discussions about semi depressive behaviour. “Yes, shower is fine.”

Hyungwon nodded and stood up, climbing off the bed and grabbing Hoseok’s hand, pulling him up. They were both naked.  
  
_Why are you both naked?_  
  
Hoseok was too afraid to ask and followed the other man into his own shower. Hyungwon seemed rather familiar with the setup, quickly grabbing a fluffy towel from a shelf and placing it next to the shower door, close enough to easily grab it afterwards. Then the beautiful man smiled, gesturing at Hoseok to enter the shower. He did, pulling the tall man with him. His arms curled around the thin body as soon as the water hit his skin, pressing him closer and remembering their nakedness. Hyungwon yelped at the sudden action but remained standing.  
  
“I’m not sure whether it was a good idea to get undressed, although I don’t remember doing it.”

Hyungwon seemed a little uncomfortable, standing very still and closing his eyes at the drops that hit his face.

“You just walked into the room, undressed and lay down in bed. I just followed you because we were soaked,” he explained before glancing down, drops continuously running down his face and some collecting on his long eyelashes. “But, I’m kinda wondering...why do you need me to shower?”  
  
_Why did you pull him in?_  
  
“I don’t want to be alone,” he whispered while loosening his grip. “I’m sorry.”

Hyungwon smiled at the words, shaking his head and circled his arms around Hoseok in return, closing his eyes and throwing his head back, letting the water directly hit his face and run down the sides and the tips of his hair. Hoseok wanted to disappear. He somehow ended up doing stupid things, not being able to deal with simple issues, like back then in the elevator. His lungs constricted again and he tried to breathe under the warm water. The hands around him tightened in response and Hyungwon glanced down at him.  
  
_It’s the water again, isn’t it?_

“What’s the matter? Your breathing pattern changed again,” the low voice commented, words muffled from the sound of the water around them and gaze concerned. The other man was too attentive for his own good. Hoseok shook his head in response, throwing his head back and feeling the drops hit his face on purpose to distract from the fear he felt tingling at his fingertips.

“You know, I never showered with anybody before. Aren’t you going to apply shampoo and stuff?” Hyungwon asked suddenly, smile followed by surprise audible from his words.  
  
“Sorry.” Hoseok stepped back a little, reaching for the shampoo and handing it to Hyungwon while opening the shower gel himself and creaming his body before switching. The other frowned shortly, set off by something but not commenting on what it was, just grabbing the shampoo and squeezing it on his hand, and freezing. It was orange.  
  
_He hates orange, doesn’t he?_  
  
Hoseok took the other man’s hand and wiped the liquid away.  
  
“I forgot. I can’t really think right now and I also don’t know if I have a shampoo in a different color. I think I need to lie down.” He felt dizzy, hand propped up against the shower wall.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the words, finally leaving his semi-shocked state. He turned off the shower, opening the door and grabbing a towel quickly, before he handed it to Hoseok. He took it wrapping it around his hips and walking along the wall out of the bathroom and towards the safe bed, throwing himself on the mattress and slipping under the thick, huge blanket. He must’ve done something to fuck up his ballance. The dissolving in the puddle of four degrees was admittedly not the best thing to do.  
  
“Listen, I think I just need to sleep and everything will be fine. You don’t have to be my mom. I’ll probably be fine tomorrow. You probably have stuff to do.” Hoseok tried to show less of the pathetic state he was in. Hyungwon had followed him and just nodded again, staring at clothes on the ground for an extended period of time, looking like he considered them rather distasteful.

“Do you have time on Saturday? I know you don’t feel well, but the minimum warning time for plans is two days so I have to tell you today,” he said as he looked up towards Hoseok, appearing unsure before he stared at the clothes again, chewing on his cheek. Hoseok didn’t know anything anyway so he just talked instead.  
  
“Sure. You can take clothes from the wardrobe, Hyungwon, if yours are soaked too,” he said with his eyes closed, hands clenching on the blanket furiously.

“But I can only wear a particular type of fabric. It shouldn’t be itchy. I’m rather sensitive so I don’t really know what to do right now. I just ran out again without thinking and I have no idea what is going on, fuck,” he muttered suddenly and just lay down on the ground, naked and eyes closed.

 _Why are you both like this?_  
  
Hoseok stood up, ignoring the overwhelming dizziness and crouched down next to Hyungwon, blinking a couple of times to refocus his vision. He must’ve fucked up his health big time, shivers were running down his spine repeatedly.

_Did you even eat anything today? Coffee is not food._

  
“Won, are you ok? If you want to lie down, go lie down on the bed. I’m going to faint if I’ll have to pick you up from the floor,” he whispered and lifted his body up, almost falling against the edge of the bed and sitting down on it instead, breathing harshly, heartbeat pumping the blood furiously.

Hyungwon remained the way he was until his eyes opened suddenly, staring right at Hoseok and widening gradually.

“Fuck,” he cursed and jumped up, sitting down next to Hoseok and placing a palm on his forehead before comparing the temperature with his own. “Shit, you're ill aren't you? Do you have medicine here? Where is your thermometer? Get back into bed, maybe we have to add another blanket so you are warm enough. Give me a second to recollect what to do when someone is ill.” It was as if the other man turned off, just sitting on the edge of the bed next to Hoseok without moving and only breathing calmly. A few moments passed, not enough for Hoseok to answer before the black-haired disappeared through the bedroom door, only reappearing after a while and with a filled glass of water.

“Drink this,” Hyungwon murmured, holding it to Hoseok’s lips. He emptied the glass, shivering at the cold running down his throat.

“Could you get me an apple from the kitchen table? I think I forgot to eat and my body decided to save energy by making me faint.” He lay down on the bed again, closing his eyes and feeling everything spin around him. “In addition to being soaked in the cold.”

He heard how the other man left, steps sounding loud on the ground before they returned and an apple was held to his lips.

“Eat,” Hyungwon said and the way he spoke sounded rather mechanical. Hoseok took it, while something started boiling inside his veins.

“You can go to work  Hyungwon. You don't need to stay here. Pick a nice fabric that you like and go back.” He hated being pitied, ill or somehow in need of help. It made him incredibly angry. Mostly at himself but also at the confusion about other people's intentions.

The other man shook his head, gaze remaining focused but facial features neutral.

“I'll stay and take care of your health. I didn't measure your temperature yet and we don't know what the problem is. I'll go through the main actions, stabilise you and then go to work.” It sounded like he was going through a list.

_It's because you look as if you need help._

His chest constricted again. He needed to do something. Jumping up he went to the closet and slipped into sweatpants, already feeling less vulnerable but more dizzy.

“I'm not ill. Changkyun told me he wanted me back and I panicked.” Hoseok tried to sound nonchalant, before slipping back under the blanket.

The other man's eyes widened, obviously thrown off his plan.

“And what did you say?” Hyungwon sounded a little scared, hands connecting and right hand playing with the fingers of his left.

_What did you say, Hoseok?_

He couldn't remember whether he had said anything at all, just that the other kissed him.

“I don't know. I can't recollect,” he answered quietly, eyes closing and trying to remember against the prominent wish to stop thinking about it. The black-haired man’s scared gaze developed into one that rather resembled terror, big hands shaking a little.

“Hoseok, do you- do you want to be with him?” He swallowed audibly. “Is that why you want me to leave?”

_Wait, what?_

“What? No!” Hoseok said, much louder than intended. “I'm just- not okay somehow.”

The sigh that left the plump lips was loud, filling the silence for the duration that Hyungwon breathed out. His hands resumed the way they played with his fingers and he looked a little out of place, standing naked in the middle of Hoseok’s bedroom.

“Why don’t you let me help you then? I like you. I want you to be happy.”

“Come here.” Hoseok lifted the blanket and waited for the other man to comply. Hyungwon hesitated only for a few seconds before walking over to the bed and crawling on top of the mattress, sliding in next to Hoseok, body a little stiff. Liquid warmth filled his lungs, replacing the dread as his arms curled around the warm body, pressing him closer and letting out a breath which seemed to stick in his lungs for ages.

“Thank you so much for coming here. I love you, Hyungwon, I really do. I just need time to deal with some things,” he whispered, placing kisses along the beautiful neck. Hot breath hit his skin as Hyungwon exhaled and nodded slowly.

“I think I can understand that. Would you like to be alone until you feel better?” He paused. “You will still have time on Saturday, right?”

_Alone? No._

“No, I want to be with you, don't go anywhere.” Hoseok paused to taste the plump lips for the first time consciously. “I will. What is Saturday? Did you want to meet up?” Hyungwon kissed back, curling one arm around Hoseok’s waist and pulling him closer as he let his fingers slide into the blue strands, stroking it repeatedly.

“Okay, I’ll stay. I wanted to eat early dinner with you on Saturday. And with someone else.” He tensed a little bit, but it was barely recognizable, hand still sliding over Hoseok’s hair and fingers tight around his waist.

_Someone else? Like who?_

“Me and someone else sounds creepy, who else?” He smiled at the beautiful face, his finger tracing the jaw and outlines of Hyungwon’s lips. The black-haired man kissed the tip of his finger when it was close enough, glancing up at him, establishing eye contact and chewing on his cheek. He seemed nervous.

“Ehm, it’s my brother actually. He wanted to meet you.”

_Family? He didn't even stay over._

“You want me to meet your brother? Wow, I guess. I don't even know how your apartment looks like. What if he asks me stuff and I just say ‘I don't know him but I love it when he touches my hair’ and then he thinks I'm an idiot? Which I kinda am.” Hoseok talked without pause, brain coming up with strange scenarios which involved Hoseok admitting to knowing nothing about Hyungwon in front of his family. The other man just laughed out loud, pressing a kiss to Hoseok’s head before resuming to stroke over it.

“I told him about you, Hoseok. He knows me rather well so nothing will surprise him.” A smile brightened up the beautiful face.

“Okay, sure. I'm in. You are really beautiful, do you know that? My sense of aesthetics screams at me every time I see you, good lord. But what is your brother like?” Hoseok tried to ignore the buzzing coming from his pants lying on the floor. Someone tried to call continuously. It didn’t take long before Hyungwon also turned towards the noise, not replying and frowning a little. It appeared like he was physically uncomfortable.

“What is that? Can’t you make it stop?”

Hoseok stood up and went to his pants, pulling his phone out of the wet pocket. He picked up, not knowing the number.

“Hoseok, listen I-” Changkyun’s low voice ripped through the speaker. He turned the phone and opened it pulling the battery out, breathing speed increasing. Warm arms closed around him almost instantly, slapping his hand lightly to let the phone hit the ground, each part separately and pressing Hoseok’s face into Hyungwon’s shoulder.

“I really want to hurt him, Hoseok,” Hyungwon hissed and his arms were a little too tight around him. The cherry wood scent filled his nostrils and it calmed him down somehow, just like the thin, warm body using inhumane strength to squeeze him.

“Why is everything so messy?” he whispered into the hot skin.

_You wanted chaos, you got it. Congratulations._

The long arms loosened a little around him, allowing more oxygen to enter his lungs. Hyungwon stroked over his hair again as if that was the first solution that his body was able to provide.

“I’m trying to figure that out and bring order into it for the past 27 years, Hoseok. It kinda worked at first, but now I am not that convinced anymore,” the low voice whispered in reply.

“I've never tried to bring order into anything. I think my whole life consists of searching for more chaos. For whatever reason. I guess it gives me inspiration to draw?” Hoseok enjoyed the way the smooth skin felt under his fingertips. It was really hard to stay composed with a naked Hyungwon around. The black-haired didn’t seem as affected, visibly struggling with his reply.

“But-” Hyungwon took a deep breath. “Why would you purposefully search for chaos if you consider it ‘messy’ and if it makes you feel like that? Chaos makes me lose control, so turning it into something else, calming it, seems to be the more rational action. Art is the triumph over chaos for me. It always was.”

_He doesn't know you, oh god._

“I'm afraid you'll be shocked after seeing a lot of my actual personality that doesn't consist of me letting you stroke my hair.” Hoseok let out a sigh remembering ripping drawings into tiny pieces, burning personal belongings and wiping things from surfaces.

_He won't be able to handle that, Hoseok._

“I feel safe when I lose control with you. It has nothing to do with stroking your hair, Hoseok. I never felt safe enough to do that. Not even with myself,” Hyungwon revealed and his voice was serious, creating enough space between them to establish eye contact. “I think I really like you.”

“You like me, but I'm a collection of things you don't like. Let's see how that will turn out. Either way, I told you that I love you and I was serious about it. I really do, it's just hard to talk when you're naked.” Hoseok looked up to the ceiling, collecting thoughts that didn't affect him sexually.

“You don’t like it when I’m naked? Should I dress? I am sorry. I really don’t care about things like that, so I’m rather glad when I don’t have to wear clothes.” Hyungwon let go, arms hanging only loosely around Hoseok’s waist, staring at the wet puddle of fabric on the ground.

“Oh come on, don't you understand what I'm saying? I love it when you're naked but I also want you when you're naked.” Hoseok groaned while throwing his head back, fingers digging into the warm shoulders from the piled up frustration. Interestingly his words were for once comprehensible enough as Hyungwon grinned at him, grabbing his jaw to pull it into the right angle and kissing him intensely, nibbling on his lower lip before letting go.

“Now I understand. Sorry, I thought you wanted to talk and my nakedness kept you from it. But I can’t really be sexually active right now. My brain is still cluttered and screams at me to sleep. It regularly happens when I overload and I think I’m close.” The way he spoke seemed like it always was, calm and rather calculated but the way his eyes focused seemed more scrambled, jumping quite a bit even if the gaze rested on Hoseok’s face.

“Fine, just wear pants at least. What do you need to calm down?” Hoseok peeled the long fingers from his waist, reducing body contact and went over to the closet, getting out the same sweatpants Hyungwon had worn before. “Here.”

The other man smiled brightly and grabbed the sweatpants immediately before sliding them over his long legs, appearing rather cheerful and rubbing his palms over his thighs.

“I love them,” he murmured, right hand sliding all the way to the knee before it moved back to the top of his thigh. Then he suddenly sighed, sitting down at the edge of the bed and letting himself fall back, arms stretched out. “I still have no idea what’s going on. I’m out of rhythm.”

_You brought him out of concept. Again._

Hoseok walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed next to the shirtless man. His fingers reached for the inked skin and slid along the fine lines of the tattoos, mesmerized by the contrast and the way they seemed so much more dynamic than on paper. Hyungwon was the most beautiful canvas he'd ever seen.

“That's why I'm saying, tell me what I can do for you. I'd say I'd wipe everything from my table and bend you over it, but I guess that's not exactly what you're into so you have to teach me.”

Hyungwon opened exactly one eye, staring at him before he rolled up and curled his whole body around Hoseok’s hips, resting his head against his chest and stretching his leg over his lap, one arm around his shoulder.

“Just sleep with me.”

“You want to sleep? Let's go under the blanket then.” Hyungwon just curled further around him, humming in agreement but not showing any intention to move under the blanket, eyes already shut fully and facial features relaxed. A few more seconds passed before Hoseok realized the calm rhythm with which the slim chest rose and fell. Hyungwon had fallen asleep.

He was breathtakingly beautiful, lying in his arms, warm and soft, breaths tickling Hoseok’s skin. He felt his eyelids getting heavy and muscle tension leaving him for good. He felt senseless and the only thing on his mind was the intoxicating scent of cherry wood, reminding him of the person in his arms.

He felt free.

Just like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	16. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let's make a deal."

It was warm, uncharacteristically warm. The heat that enveloped his skin, burning trails along his arms, his chest, lower body and finally his legs, was pleasing, clouding his senses and making him feel at ease. It resembled lying on the beach and letting the sun tingle and warm up his skin. The beach carried his favourite memories.

The familiar regular but loud beeping of his alarm filled the air, pulling his consciousness out of the deep waters of sleep, senses returning and perceiving the unfamiliar feeling of body heat around him. It wasn’t the sensation of sun rays warming up his skin. 

_ Someone is touching you, Hyungwon. _

He panicked, nails digging into whatever was located below them and opening his eyes forcefully, shock and pain from the loud beeping mixing into a potent sensation of terror. He was lying on top of someone, curled in another man’s arms. He was unable to recognize anything, visual input not registering and painting worst case scenarios in his head.

_ You lost control and have done something you shouldn't have? Hyungwon. You lost yourself. You had a meltdown and destroyed everything again. _

His breathing picked up, hyperventilating and desperately trying to make sense of his surroundings, nails still deeply buried in the skin below them. The beeping was penetrating his ears continuously, auditory perception horrendously painful.

_ Escape. You need to focus to escape. _

The blurred mess subsided, clearing up until he was met with wide brown eyes, framed by strands of blue hair, the sea.

_ Hoseok. You are lying on top of Hoseok. _

“Ouch.” Hoseok’s incredibly low morning voice graced his ears, the other man staring down and trying to peel off the fingers from his chest. Shit, Hyungwon had hurt him unintentionally, but the realization alone wasn't sufficient to let go. He couldn’t release the pressure in his hand, cramping and lungs rejecting any movement of air through his lips. The beeping only got louder.

“I can handle pain pretty well, but it normally involves me being balls deep inside someone. Don't you like my pierced nipple?” The other man sounded a little whiny, hand pressing down on his wrist to release the muscle tension. “Why is your phone making such a fuss?”

_ It’s your phone. You can make it stop. _

Hyungwon finally released the iron-grip on Hoseok’s skin and jumped up, not recognizing his surroundings and not knowing what he was wearing and why he was wearing something in the first place. Everything looked wrong, minimal furniture catching his eye and a black mass of clothing on the ground. The sound seemed to stem from it but Hyungwon couldn’t understand why his clothes would be there. He grabbed into the moist fabric and felt sick, feeling for the light vibration until his fingers closed around his phone, pressing a side button and letting pleasant silence fill his ears instead. It was almost euphoric, muscle tension relaxing and letting himself fall to the ground, avoiding the wet clothes and trying to blend out the way the ground felt against his naked back.

_ Your alarm. You need to go to work. Find out where you are and go to work. _

“Where am I?” he whispered, blood pumping through his veins and drowning everything in the thumping noise. “And why am I here?”

He heard the sound of naked feet touching the wooden floor, steps coming closer before a finger slid over his face. 

“I can't believe you slept here after all that fuss about unfamiliar places. You're in my bedroom, wearing my pants and you woke up because you have an alarm on your phone. You almost ripped my nipple off instead of just cuddling and going koala on me just like you did the whole night.” The voice paused before continuing. “You're here because you're amazing and kept me company while I wanted to dissolve.” The other man stroked over his cheek tenderly. “And now.” Strong arms picked up his body and he landed on a soft surface. “Tell me what I have to do so you don't panic.” 

The change of location didn't help, only adding to the sensory input and occurrences he couldn't control. Hoseok had answered some of his questions but it didn't feel like he had decided on all the actions that led to the current situation himself. It felt like a meltdown, ending up somewhere unknown, surrounded by parts of objects he had destroyed and unable to put everything back together. It was terrifying. 

“I need to fulfil my schedule. I need to brush my teeth, shower, eat breakfast which consists of two bananas and one apple and dress. Then I need to call Kyungsoo to drive me to work because it is the end of the week,” he murmured, going through his mental plan and imagining himself doing all those things, fulfilling his schedule and feeling good.

But he didn't feel good. 

“Fine. My proposal is the following Mr. Chae. Depending on how stuck up you are on toothpaste taste, you can brush your teeth here. You can't shower because my shampoo is orange and my clothes are probably not really fitting, so you put on one of my shirts and I'll drive you home. You can shower, dress and eat and I'll drive you to work. I'll write Kyungsoo, it'll be fine.” Hoseok jumped up and put on different clothes. Hyungwon just remained lying on the bed, trying to filter out the behaviourally relevant information from what Hoseok had told him. What was he supposed to do?

“You want me to brush my teeth? I don't care about toothpaste,” he answered, hoping it was relevant and would help him to return into accurate and normal social behaviour. He was probably freaking Hoseok out, but he just couldn't help it. He was scared. 

The beautiful blue-haired appeared in front of him, grabbing his wrist and putting a toothbrush with toothpaste in it. 

“Brush your teeth.”

The order was straightforward and easy to follow so Hyungwon did exactly that, focusing on doing it right and sitting up properly while doing so. The repetitive motion was calming and his head cleared a little bit. 

_ Hoseok acted strange and that scared you, so you ran after him to help.  _

“Are you better now, Hoseok?” he asked after pulling the toothbrush out of his mouth, thinking about the location of the bathroom and walking the path according to his memory, spitting it out and flushing his mouth thoroughly. 

“I'll be better when I'm sure that you're not panicking.” The other man walked over, pulling a white shirt over his head, motions smooth and coordinated. Hoseok’s face was almost the same colour as the shirt.

He was pale. Being pale like that usually meant that someone was ill. 

_ He's ill, Hyungwon. Ill people aren't allowed to go anywhere.  _

“You are ill, Hoseok. You're not going anywhere. I don't need a shirt, I just need a taxi,” Hyungwon said, not sure whether it was the truth but he simply tried to remove Hoseok from the proposed plan, keep the other man securely in his bed.

Hoseok’s eyes sparkled for a second, hands pulling the shirt down and leaving Hyungwon’s body. 

“I'm not ill and I'm going wherever the fuck I want. Put your shoes on.” He sounded strangely serious, sucking in air harshly and walking out of the bedroom. Hyungwon wanted to resist, split between the rule that ill people weren't supposed to leave the house and the fact that he was completely helpless on his own. 

_ Put on your shoes.  _

He attached himself to the sentence that made the most sense and walked to the hallway, slipping into his shoes without socks, just as he liked. The pants weren't tight but the fabric was nice so it was okay. The t-shirt felt similar like his, just a little bigger. 

“Let's go.” Hoseok opened the door and waited for Hyungwon to follow. Something about the way the other man moved and talked differently from their usual interaction scheme. It seemed like Hoseok was dissatisfied with something, however Hyungwon didn't have the resources to do anything except for following the other's orders. It was simpler. Taking another deep breath he took his jacket and followed. 

_ You can't read emotions anyway, Hyungwon. Just express your own.  _

“I like you,” he murmured suddenly, feeling like he had to express how he felt but just thanking him was so weak. Hyungwon really detested words and their emptiness. 

The other didn't say anything, concentrating on the road until they arrived at Hyungwon’s apartment. 

“Go up, I'll wait here.” Hoseok turned off the engine and reached next to Hyungwon, loosening his belt and putting the hands on the steering wheel. It was so distant. 

It felt uncomfortable so Hyungwon grabbed the other man's face with his palms and placed a kiss on his lips.

“I'll hurry up.”

Running up the stairs he immediately felt more at ease, sight of the familiar furniture and arrangements calming. As planned he took off Hoseok’s clothes, took a shower, dressed in his own clothes, ate two bananas and an apple and failed to grab his things. They were at work. 

He ignored it forcefully and ran back down, jumping into the passenger seat and breathing heavily. Hoseok started the engine and drove him to the company remaining quiet.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon asked, once Hoseok drove into Hyungwon's parking spot although he didn't have a car. “I'm sorry for being such a bother to you and I'm thankful for your help, Hoseok.”

“You're not a bother at all, it's fine. I hope you're in the routine again.” The other smiled. The lips did but the eyes stayed the same.

_ He's lying, Hyungwon.  _

It's was scary, but not because Hyungwon didn't know what was going on. He knew perfectly where he was and what he was supposed to do. It was rather that he had never seen a fake smile on Hoseok’s face. It made him so much like everyone else that Hyungwon had encountered. He couldn't help the sadness he felt, eyes burning almost instantly and throat closing up. 

_ If Hoseok is like other people then he can leave you.  _

The first tear rolled down and Hyungwon felt frustrated at his uncontrollable emotional outbursts, sitting in Hoseok’s car who was pretending to be fine and crying. Just because of a fake smile. 

“What's wrong? Did I make you cry in addition to everything else?” Hoseok leaned over and wiped a tear from his face. 

“Hoseok, you don't have to be my safe haven if you don't want to,” Hyungwon managed to press out, tears collecting and spilling over his eyes, running down his cheeks. “You don't need to pretend to be happy.”   
  
“I’m not your safe haven. I’m a fucking tornado crushing everything you like, you dummy. I thought it’s okay because I can learn about you and the things that make you feel at ease, but what the fuck is this good for if I’m the person who flips them upside down and destroys them? Don’t you get it?” Hoseok sounded so desperate, voice shaking and hands clutching onto his jeans. 

“But you are also the only one who sets me free, Hoseok. You set me free and I don't want anyone else.” He sniffed, hating himself for not sounding convincing when his nose was blocked and his throat hurt. Hoseok sounded like he wanted to leave and Hyungwon couldn't let him. 

_ You have never wanted someone so badly in your life.  _ __  
__  
“But you can’t even stay at my place without being scared and feeling bad about it. I don't want you to feel bad. I want you to be happy. In the end I just don’t want to be that person who forces stuff on you, making you miserable and hurt. I think it fits more if the relationship is the other way around. Just make me miserable. I have experience dealing with that.” Hoseok rubbed his eyes furiously. 

_ No.  _

Hyungwon shook his head furiously, not having the words to express himself yet, but needing to show Hoseok that he disagreed. He needed the man next to him and he could get used to things. It was just a matter of time and effort, effort he was willing to invest. 

“But I will be able to sleep at your place eventually, Hoseok. I swear! It just takes a while to get used to the thought and I need time but I'll be able to. Please don't leave me. I need you,” he begged and climbed on top of the blue-haired man, desperate and not knowing what else to do although it was difficult. The gear switch was pushing against his shin painfully but he ignored it, body numb due to the emotional outburst. His arms curled around the warm neck and his tears soaked the fabric of the t-shirt. “I just need to prepare instead of throwing myself into the abyss, but even if you are one I want you, Hoseok.”   
  
The other man gasped, hands curling around his waist automatically.   
  
“We’re at your company’s parking spot. I mean I don’t care, my contract ends in a week, but you’re bound to work here some more.” The voice sounded strangely emotional despite the content of the said. “I don’t want to leave you. I love you, but I hate hurting you, but then I’m also scared because I’m even more of a tornado than you think. I literally break things and I literally wipe surfaces with my hands, not caring about destroying stuff. You love order and I have anger management issues. You just didn’t see yet. I don’t think I’m qualified to be the safe haven you were talking about.” It was almost a whisper, the warm forehead pressing into Hyungwon’s chest, shaky exhales leaving the other man’s mouth. 

The feeling was intense, burning itself through his chest and screaming at him to attach himself to Hoseok and to never let go. It wasn't like the lollipop through the cage at all. It was rather as if someone had set the cage on fire, opened the door and threw the lollipop in while leaving the door fully open. And Hyungwon decided to stay inside. 

“I don't care, Hoseok. I just want you and I'm willing to do anything so you stay. I'll sleep over if you want me to, but please don't leave,” he whispered, tears still soaking the shirt and leg hurting from the way it pressed into the gear shift.   
  
“Can I come up?” Hoseok didn’t move an inch. 

_ He wants to stay.  _

The relief was instant, rushing through his system and calming his harsh breaths and tears. 

“Of course,” Hyungwon whispered, releasing the tight grip of his fingers and staring at the wet spot on Hoseok’s shirt. It looked like a small grey cloud. Hoseok opened the door so Hyungwon could come out and followed him. 

It felt strange to walk into the building with Hoseok behind him. Hyungwon rubbed over his eyes furiously to not look as wrecked as he was. He hadn't thought about it but coming into work looking like he cried his eyes out probably woke curiosity in others. He glanced to the ground as much as he could, glad that it was very early and that the elevator was fast. Hoseok remained quiet throughout the whole trip to his office. Once they passed Kyungsoo’s desk Hyungwon simply apologised for not calling to be picked up and walked into the office, sitting down on his desk immediately and staring at his favorite Kandinsky painting. It felt right to have the blue-haired man around. His presence was welcomed.    
  
Hoseok sat down on the couch and looked at the paintings for what felt like an eternity, massaging his temple in the process. 

“Wanna know why I arranged them like this?” Hyungwon heard himself asking, watching the way Hoseok sat and attempting to read his body language. He sat comfortably but there was some tension in his shoulders. Hoseok nodded, eyes still sliding over the paintings.

Hyungwon smiled and slipped down from the desk, walking over to his favorite one. 

“There are always a few geometric patterns that those paintings have in common. They are not always obvious but they are there. If you go according to that principle there is no other way of arranging them. This one is my favourite because it has them all. Moving to the paintings on the left and right the patterns differ. The ones next to each other always build a pair. This one has to be in the middle because it connects them into one.” He supported his explanation by pointing at the patterns he meant, loving the detail of each artwork, accumulating masses of small fragments that were too complex to create a homogenous whole. It was impossible not to feel delighted at the sight.   
  
“There are. There are a lot of other ways to arrange them, but it doesn’t matter, as long as you like it.” Hoseok spoke quietly, very unlike himself, face concentrated and serious. “You are very detailed and rational, everything fits and is easy to explain. That’s why it doesn’t make sense.” He kept looking at one spot, not moving his gaze at all.

“What doesn't make sense?” Hyungwon asked, smile fading a little at the worrisome way Hoseok behaved. He had thought that they solved the problem, but apparently there was more to it. His glance moved towards the pile of contracts he had to sign but he rearranged his schedule in his head to have more time for the man next to him.    
  
Hoseok stood up walking towards the door before turning around and looking him directly in the eyes, gaze incredibly intense.    
  
“Me. I don’t make sense.” The door opened and Hoseok slipped through the crack like a snake, closing it after himself immediately.

_ He just left.  _

It felt wrong but not as worrisome as it had yesterday or today morning. Hoseok had calmed down a little but something still seemed off. It was as if he had found a fault in a system but didn't want to share what it was. 

_ Just give him some time, Hyungwon. He might need to be on his own for a while.  _

His chest felt a little hollow, sudden disappearance leaving a bitter taste on his lips. It wasn't how the other man usually behaved. He would have given him a kiss just like lovers do instead of leaving the room like a murderer a crime scene. But Hyungwon had abandoned work often enough, so he didn't run after Hoseok this time and drowned in work just like he was oh so good at. 

_ Finish what you need to finish and then go see him, Hyungwon. You miss him already anyway.  _

_ You always do.  _

_ _ _

 

Hyungwon packed up his things after saying goodbye to Kyungsoo for the night. The day had been especially busy because of a surprise international conference that had been pushed and a few mishaps in production. In addition his boyfriend was probably upset so life wasn't going too well. He missed the other man and hadn't been able to stop thinking about his words. 

Why would he say that he himself made no sense? It was confusing to say the least and Hyungwon wasn't able to split it into literal and nonliteral meanings. There was only one, namely that Hoseok was of the opinion that he didn't make sense. That was it and in no way informative. He had to go see him and figure out what he meant, help if necessary. 

_ Just try to explain yourself, find the right words for once, Hyungwon.  _

The ride was quick, traffic not as bad at 9 PM. Not even 15 minutes passed before he was in front of the tattoo studio, entering without announcing his presence. 

He heard the buzzing of the machine, unusual at the late hour, as Hoseok had normally stopped working at 8PM. Nobody was in the lobby. The sound came from the back of the studio. Hyungwon felt a little worried at the uncertainty but closed the door after himself and walked through to the back. The drafts on the walls hadn't changed much over the time he hadn't been there.    
  
Hoseok was tattooing someone, leaning in really far into the person’s personal space, sliding the needle over the neck, allowing no glance at the person’s face. The man’s naked upper body was almost completely covered in different lines, shadows and geometric drawings, skin golden, much like his own. 

The sight was familiar, especially the detailed drawings on the other man’s arm, but he was too caught by the situation. An ice cold shudder ran down Hyungwon's back at the sight. It wasn't even about the proximity of Hoseok and the other man. It was more about the fact that being inked by the beautiful blue-haired man had seemed somehow special, magical even, but seeing it from the side took that feeling away. It felt a little empty.    
  
Hoseok lifted the needle and turned around, looking at Hyungwon’s face. The surprise was visible, eyes widening and mouth opening slightly.    
  
“Won, what are you doing here?”

Hyungwon swallowed, trying to remember why he was there after constantly being confronted with unfamiliar situations and forced to deal with them somehow. His whole life had gotten a little mixed up over the past few weeks, regulations breaking, relationships changing and priorities shifting. It was really tiring sometimes.

“You told me to just come without a reason. I wanted to see you and that’s the only reason I came,” he answered eventually, still frozen to the ground in the middle of the back room, staring at the way Hoseok inked the other man’s skin. He smiled and it looked a little painful.   
  
“I know, I’m happy you came. I just didn’t expect it. Want a coffee?” He turned to the man below him. “Do you need a break? It’s been an hour.” Hyungwon couldn’t help his smile despite the unpleasant presence of the other man. Hoseok always asked the same question whenever he came to the studio, always offering a coffee no matter what time of day or night it was.

“I’m fine, thank you,” he answered and leaned against the wall, putting his backpack down next to him and taking off his jacket.   
  
“Hey Hyungwon.” The other man lifted his upper body, sitting up while a smile spread on the familiar face. 

_ Changkyun. _

His blood boiled almost immediately, images of Hoseok devastated on the rooftop and drowning himself in a puddle of water, just to be completely out of it and almost freezing to death in his own bed, filling his head. He couldn’t help it, so he stepped closer to the shorter man, leaning down sufficiently to establish eye contact, anger burning along his veins in his arms and neck.

“You, are the most disgusting piece of shit I have ever seen in my life for making Hoseok feel this way,” he spat, hands curling into fists the longer he spoke. Shit, he hated Changkyun so much for hurting Hoseok. “Keep your filthy hands off him.” The black-haired man widened his eyes in surprise, looking over to Hoseok who seemed equally shocked.    
  
“You can dislike me, it’s okay. I’ll decide how I deem fit regarding keeping my hands away, thanks for the advice.” 

_ He better listen when Hoseok tells him to stay away because that’s what really matters. _

Hyungwon inhaled slowly, stepping away and leaning against the wall again as if nothing had happened. He had said what he wanted to say, mostly at least, and his anger wouldn’t find expression in words unless he punched the other guy, which he couldn’t do because it wasn’t appropriate, so he would have to suck it up. At least for now.

“How are you, Hoseok?” he asked calmly, turning to the man he actually wanted to spend his evening with instead of the one he detested more than he had ever detested anybody. The artist turned to Changkyun, telling him something, too quiet for him to hear, before standing up and walking out, taking Hyungwon along by grabbing his wrist. It was sudden and anger spiked in him at the whispering but he followed, taking another deep breath and forcing himself to stay calm. He had wanted to resolve everything and cheer Hoseok up, creating a scene was the opposite of that, but apparently his emotions weren’t really interested in his plans.

They never were.

“What’s happening, Hyungwon? What is going on? Why do you behave like this? Did I fuck up your brain for good?” Hoseok let his wrist go, standing in the middle of the lobby and staring at him. The reaction wasn’t quite what Hyungwon had expected, but Hoseok rarely reacted the way his behavioural rules concluded. Whether the handsome man had fucked up his brain? Not really, at least not in the current situation. His thoughts were relatively clear, intentions obvious and even the emotions made sense to him. He liked Hoseok and the black-haired made him jealous, hurting a person he liked so he had reacted in a hostile way. Everything made perfect sense, it was even book worthy.

“My thoughts are perfectly clear, Hoseok,” he replied, watching the expressions on the other man’s face and struggling to make sense of them. It was always challenging when he hadn't drawn it before. The ones that he had transferred onto paper and thereby onto his memory were easily identified on the mesmerizing features.   
  
The beautiful man closed his eyes, throwing his head back, a classical reaction that was very easy to decipher.    
  
“I told you I don’t fit. It doesn’t make sense that you like me. Everything screams that it’s some fucked up idea, not backed up by facts or thoughts. I just make you miserable in addition to throwing you out of your perfectly fine routine that you love so much.” The words were fast like a waterfall, flowing from the pretty mouth. 

Hyungwon placed his thumb to the other man's lips, letting it slide along the moist skin and stroking over the smooth chin. 

“But affection is an emotion, Hoseok. It doesn't have to make sense. I don't have to like you for anything particular or because you fit so well. Jin always said that one loves a person not for something but despite everything. It just seems worth it to me.” He closed his eyes for a few seconds, smile gracing his lips. “You know, when I waited for you with the umbrella I thought about that. ‘Why do you bother, Hyungwon? You're so lost around him’, but then I saw you walking towards the door, completely soaked and eyes focused on your feet and it didn't matter anymore. I just want to be with you.”

“I’ll make you unhappy,” Hoseok whispered, eyes wet and hands clenched into fists at his sides. He looked extremely emotional, blue bangs falling into his eyes. Hyungwon put a little more strength into the way he held the other man’s chin and tilted it slightly more towards himself, thumb still caressing the skin.

“But I’m happy around you. If I would be rational I would argue that I can make a weight comparison, see whether the amounts that I have been happy around you outweighed the unhappy ones. I can’t really tell you because whenever I see you the default seems to be happy. I’m not very good at recognizing my emotions but I can be rather good at showing them.” He leaned forward and placed a really careful kiss on Hoseok’s lips, barely grazing them and remaining in close proximity, hot breath hitting the other man’s skin and feeling the warmth on his mouth and nose in return. Hoseok’s expression stayed the same, staring at him with eyes wide open.    
  
“Promise it. Promise me that you won’t be unhappy. That you won’t be miserable and hurt. I’m not sure that I can deal with it.” The other man breathed the words against Hyungwon’s lips, licking over his own in the process. Hyungwon bit down on his lower one, glancing at the ground shortly before refocusing on the brown eyes, framed by blue strands.

“But I cannot lie, Hoseok. I can’t promise that it won’t happen. You could step on my foot and I would be unhappy. It is an irrational request.” He paused and pressed his lips against the warm beautifully curved ones again. The emotions he felt whenever he kissed Hoseok were the same and still just as intense, warm tingling sensation in his chest and filling him out. It was addicting, so he did it again. “But I can promise you to tell you and attempt to solve it. I’m willing to do a lot of things for you and I have never changed anything for anybody, Hoseok. But I will for you if you stay.”   
  
Strong arms curled around his waist and chest, Hoseok pressing him incredibly close, kissing his face and lips in succession.    
  
“I love you. I’ll fuck everything up but I also can’t stop if you’re like this.” Hyungwon gasped, unable to help it with the way he had let his emotions go, lips parting to feel more of the other man.

“Then don’t,” he whispered as he closed his eyes and licked into Hoseok’s mouth, pressing him closer through firm long fingers in his hair.   
  
“Listen, I really understand everything but just tattoo this damn spark on my neck and go have fun at home.” Changkyun stood in the hallway, watching them intently, before tilting his head a little. “I can’t help but think that you totally behave like someone who bottoms.” He grinned at Hyungwon.

_ Fair enough. _

Just shrugging with his shoulders and rolling his eyes at the comment (because he hated the other guy and felt in no way compelled to talk to him) Hyungwon just leaned back and let go of Hoseok.

“What kind of spark are you tattooing for him?” he asked instead, turning to Hoseok with a smile.   
  
“I drew a spark for him because he is like that. He sparks and it’s so exciting but then he burns every fucking thing down until there’s only ashes left.” Hoseok grinned at Changkyun and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s lips before turning around and walking further into the hallway. “Want to watch? It’s ten minutes, then it’s done and we can talk, or go to my place, or go for a walk or whatever you feel like.” The blue-haired looked so happy, smiling at him genuinely.

Hyungwon couldn’t help how his smile faded a little, a rather vivid realization hitting him and meaning of the tattoo that the other man was receiving by the beautiful hands becoming rather apparent.

_ It’s a personal drawing, Hyungwon. _

“I always interpreted a spark as something that is there for a short time before it becomes meaningless,” he commented, following the blue-haired man to the back room where he intended on finishing the tattoo on the other man’s skin. “I’ll watch.”

_ He drew something personal for him just like he did for you. You’re not the only one with a personal drawing. It doesn’t mean as much as you thought, Hyungwon. Not to Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“It’s not meaningless if it sets your whole fucking house on fire, baby.” Changkyun lay down and let Hoseok lean in, grinning shamelessly.    
  
“Shut up, Kkung. Let me finish and go home,” Hoseok reprimanded the other, but it didn’t sound hostile at all. 

_ He seems fine around him again. As if nothing happened. _

Hyungwon could understand, after all emotional outbursts were exactly that. Outbursts. However the length that Hoseok had suffered from whatever Changkyun had told him, whichever words the black-haired had used, was for an extended period of time. It had seemed much more serious than a simple emotional outburst. Biting his lip he hoped that the tattoo would be finished soon and he wouldn’t have to deal with his own dislike for the short man and the way he kept teasing him and hinting at his apparently vivid lifestyle.

“If someone sets your house on fire your whole belongings burn and you fucking hate them, Changkyun. Doesn’t sound deserving of calling me ‘baby’.”    
  
The man on the tattoo table used the couple of seconds of Hoseok lifting the needle to answer.    
  
“But then you can burn too. It feels nice, ask Hoseok.” The low voice sounded very competitive. “Wait, wait a minute. I thought you were familiar. Hoseok, is he the dude on your back? I asked you who he was two weeks ago and you didn’t tell me. Didn’t you say you had the tattoo after I left? I thought you know each other for a couple of weeks.” Hoseok had kept the needle in the air during the monologue, looking a little uncomfortable, before letting out a sigh. “Yes it’s him and yes we know each other longer. Well not exactly knowing but we’ve met before.”

Hyungwon smiled, remembering the tattoo of the kiss that he had drawn three years ago. He still couldn’t believe that Hoseok had decided to engrave it into his own skin forever.

_ No matter what happens he will always have you on his skin, Hyungwon. _

“I don’t need to ask Hoseok what burning feels like, Changkyun. I dare say that I know that better than most other people,” Hyungwon replied, remembering the way his body had felt like fire flowed through his veins instead of blood, setting everything ablaze with every touch of Hoseok’s hands.    
  
The other didn’t answer as Hoseok put the needle back onto his neck, drawing fine lines. It looked really close. Hyungwon couldn’t see his eyes, but the other man’s mouth was spread in a smile. He was so impossibly beautiful it was hard not to stare. His eyes didn’t waver as he examined the way the pale hands held the machine, lips moist from the tongue that licked over them regularly and skin so much more white in the light, blue hair only emphasizing the contrast.

“You’re beautiful, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered. “I love watching you work.”   
  
Hoseok bit into his lower lip at his words, before another smile graced the soft features.   
  
“He’s right though, you really are.” Changkyun’s incredibly low voice sounded way too emotional for the situation. The blue-haired man lifted the needle and wiped the excess ink away, observing the work.    
  
“Done. Take care of it or I’ll kill you.” Changkyun grinned, emotion wiped from his face at the words and a nasty smirk reappearing again.    
  
“You know that’s what I’m waiting for.” The short man sat up, pulling his black shirt over the tattooed body before standing up. Hyungwon had been leaning against the wall as before until Hoseok finished. Seeing that Changkyun stood up he watched the shorter man and tried to understand what Hoseok might have considered attractive. He had nice features and Hyungwon had recognized them before, but nothing about him woke more than necessary interest in him.

_ Maybe you are just biased by disliking him, Hyungwon. _

“What would you like to do, Hoseok?” he asked instead, glancing towards his main person of interest and the way he cleaned up his machine, body firm and legs clad in a nice pair of jeans. They seemed vaguely familiar.   
  
“I’d like to do something you want,” Hoseok answered and earned a surprised look from the short man who was smearing cream on his tattoo. Hyungwon felt pressured by having to decide in a matter of seconds. He sucked at making decisions unless he had created a plan beforehand. Fuck.   
  
“Oh god, who are you? What happened to you while I was gone? Holy fuck.” Changkyun opened his mouth simulating some exaggerated drama. “I’m seeing all kinds of things today.” He finished and put a piece of plastic foil on the freshly inked tattoo. 

Hyungwon ignored the two of them mostly, at least as well as he could and tried to make a decision. He wasn’t too sure what fit his plan best, which had been to solve the issue which he had apparently achieved already. At least that’s what it had seemed like based on the way Hoseok kissed him and smiled genuinely. He glanced at the beautiful blue hair but his eyes kept sliding down along the muscular chest and the way the arms filled out the shirt, followed by the firm thighs.

“I want to take those jeans off you, but you kept saying that it might be a bad idea, so I don’t know,” he mumbled and let a hand slide through his hair. The jeans were really distracting and he actually didn’t suffer from problems like that.

_ You cancelled your regular meetups, Hyungwon. Everything was a mess and you are out of your fuck schedule. _

“My place,” Hoseok stated with his low voice, giving Changkyun a crazy, rather intimidating glare and walking towards the lobby.

Hyungwon felt how his breathing pattern changed and couldn’t believe that his body reacted to mere words alone, just the hint of a promise that left Hoseok’s lips. 

_ Now he doesn’t even have to touch you to have you in his palm, Hyungwon. _

“Whatever you want, Hoseok.”

 

***

 

His life was a rollercoaster. Hyungwon had stayed over and it was actually supposed to make him happy, but the other had been so lost and out of it that he regretted not driving the other man home instead. The realization that he was making Hyungwon miserable burned in his veins and occupied his thoughts, thinking about the way he had felt after Changkyun left and how Hyungwon might be forced to experience the same thing in the future if he decided to stay with Hoseok. 

_ You'll do the same to him. Actually you're worse than Changkyun, because you keep destroying everything slowly, without anyone noticing the impact.  _

Hyungwon didn't share his opinion and it made him incredibly happy and sad at the same time. It was like making a decision out of personal benefit while knowing that it was not the right thing to do. 

_ You're just like that. You do whatever you want.  _

Seeing Changkyun at the studio, everything seemed to be like before. The short, handsome man was laughing and trying to make him angry with innuendos and teasing, vulnerable, serious expression not appearing on his face anymore. 

It was a lot easier like that and Hoseok couldn't get rid of the feeling that the other had known. 

A tattoo. Changkyun had wanted a drawing of his tattooed on his neck as a payment for his favour three days ago. Hoseok sat down on the leather couch and had watched the other man running around the studio, talking to the customers and filling the acoustic space with his bubbly personality, like a spark. 

He had created it, thinking about the way Hyungwon affected his ability to draw. It was interesting. Of course he was able to draw mechanically. The skill didn't disappear, it was something else, something about recognizing patterns and the utter essence of the person or the situation, melting it into a motive and transferring into lines on paper.

_ Your view changes when you're with him, is that it? _

It did. 

-  
  


Hyungwon drove him absolutely crazy. He didn't have to do anything, just look at Hoseok with the big eyes and brush his hair back, saying how he wanted to take off his jeans. 

Self control was really hard and he ended up lifting the other man and pressing him against the wall of his apartment, ravishing the plump lips and biting into the soft skin of the thin shoulder. He rolled his hips against him, fingers digging into the flesh of the other man's lean thighs.

“Okay listen, I'm losing it and you need to slap me if I'm doing something you don't like. I won't know otherwise.” He groaned, pressing his erection against Hyungwon’s body to increase friction, moaning at the contact and going for the neck, licking and sucking on the intoxicating mixture of cherry wood scent and golden skin.

The other man had been surprised by the sudden explosion of sexual energy, but adjusted quickly, gasping at the contact and trying to curl his limbs further and tighter around Hoseok’s hips and neck. The pupils were blown and plump lips remained parted, accepting every kiss as if it was the only thing he needed to breathe. 

“But I won't be able to once I let go, Hoseok,” he whispered against Hoseok’s mouth, voice shaky and like he barely kept himself in check. 

“Well too bad then.” There were no resources left to deal with control issues. His body was on fire and Hyungwon was so incredibly hot that it didn't matter somehow. His tongue and lips continued their path, hands grabbing the thighs and walking over to the kitchen, wiping the utensils from the surface and placing the beautiful man on top of it. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened in shock, nails digging into Hoseok’s shoulders before he closed the distance between them, mouths clashing together and soft moan leaving the luscious lips. It was nothing compared to how the other man sounded when he really let go. 

_ Of course he's terrified, Hoseok. He's not Changkyun. _

“I guess you don't want to undress me anymore.” He leaned back, panting harshly and gaze narrowing. “Too bad then.” He removed his hands and stared. 

“W-what?” Hyungwon seemed confused by the sudden interruption. “In what language is clashing our mouths together another word for ‘no’?” He was panting a little and the tent in his jeans was obvious with the way that he was sitting on the counter. But he wasn’t begging Hoseok to fuck him so he wasn’t really gone yet.

“Don't shit me. I know exactly how you look and sound like if you're into it.” Hoseok smirked and crossed his arms in front of the bulky chest. Hyungwon frowned a little in response, biting down on his lip as his eyebrows pulled together.

“Well, you haven’t really done much to make me lose control except for telling me that I should tell you to stop which you know exactly I am absolutely unable to do once I let go,” he murmured as his thin thigh stroked along Hoseok’s hip, tight pants catching on the fabric of his jeans. It wasn’t clear whether he was doing it on purpose or just acting according to urge. “You are the one who said I can trust you with this, Hoseok.”

“I'm not sure about that though.” He leaned forward and pulled at the black sweatshirt Hyungwon was wearing, throwing it somewhere in the direction of the kitchen table. The other man bit his lip again, eyes closing shortly as he spread his legs further and let his hands roam over Hoseok’s chest, dipping into the defined muscles and tightening in the fabric. After pulling the cloth to the side and kissing a prominent collarbone he pulled the shirt over Hoseok’s head, throwing it behind them.

His mouth was everywhere, sucking on the skin of the tattooed chest, licking over the nipples and biting softly, hands roaming over the clothed thighs. Damn, he wanted Hyungwon to be absolutely naked. 

“Take them off,” he groaned opening one button and stepping back. Hyungwon’s gaze lifted from Hoseok’s chest upwards, focusing the dark orbs on his, pupils blown and the beautiful man licked over his lips as he dipped his thumbs under the tight black fabric and began pulling it down his hips and over the long legs. The way the black color made way for golden skin was mesmerizing, delicious even. He wasn’t wearing anything under the pants.

_ What is he so fucking hot for? _

“Nice.” Hoseok smirked and pinned the other man against the counter again, marking the beautiful skin, his palms sliding over the naked thighs, nails leaving tiny trails in the process. “Damn, I'd love to make you scream and lose your mind for good.” 

The black-haired moaned quietly, head thrown back and arms holding his weight behind his back, leaving Hoseok free reign over the beautiful body. 

“Fuck, I want you to, I really do but your words scare me a little, Hoseok. Can I let go?” he gasped, lips parted and eyes shut. 

Hoseok glared at him, pupils blown and blood collecting in his groin.

“Let's make a deal.” 

_ Don't make deals, Hoseok. You're a horny animal.  _

Hyungwon nodded slowly, eyes opening and focusing on Hoseok, pupils enlarged. The black hair emphasised his face like a frame a painting, complementing it. 

_ Just take a cold shower.  _

“Specific things get you going right? You will be able to do whatever you want and my dick won't go where I want it to be, and if you decide that you want to be blessed, you beg for it, thrice, to make it a pretty number, just how you like it, and then I won't go back on it and fuck you. Oh and do it on your knees so I can distinguish.” Hoseok crossed his arms and smirked.

The man in front of him breathed in deeply, keeping the eye contact as a pink tongue slid through his lips and moistened them before teeth bit down and eyelids shut halfway. 

“So, as long as I don't beg on my knees, beg you to fuck me thrice, nothing happens?” Hyungwon asked carefully, teeth still abusing the red and plump lower lip. 

_ You'll die if he really starts begging on his knees.  _

“Yup, you can praise my dick or dirty talk or whatever, but as soon as you're on your knees in front of me begging it'll be a different story.” Hoseok moved closer, index finger sliding down the lean chest and stomach, down to the delicious thighs, circling around the crotch. His eyes must've looked as if he was a hungry animal. Which he kinda was.

“Deal,” Hyungwon whispered, voice deeper than it had been, as his head sank lower and revealed more of his gaze. Hoseok could tell how the black absorbed the brown eye colour, pupils completely blown as the other man hissed at the contact. “Then as long as you don't fuck me you can do whatever you want to me, Hoseok.”

_ He shouldn't have said that. The possibilities are endless, Hoseok.  _ __  
__  
“Whatever I want? Well, I do have a lot ideas. I’m a very creative person, Hyungwon.” He smirked and licked over his lips slowly. “Mind visiting the bathroom? I’ll wait for you.” 

He was met with a nod and a few calming breaths before the other man slid down the counter, naked body on display and disappeared in the direction of the bedroom. 

_ Just keep your pants on, Hoseok. No matter what.  _

He walked after the ridiculously hot man and threw himself on the bed, placing lube and tissues next to himself, replaying a collection of possible things he could've done when Hyungwon was back. He was already extremely aroused from the thought alone, the impact of the possible screams he'd hear added up to the tension. 

After a while that was easily spent with his vivid imagination Hyungwon entered the room, closing the door behind himself carefully and crawling on top of the bed. His body was covered in tiny drops that resembled crystals on his skin, fully covered in them and reflecting the light. A few wet black strands stuck to his forehead and his cheek as he sat down next to Hoseok, legs stretched out over most of the length of the bed and resting on his arms that he kept behind himself.    
  
No matter how good his imagination worked, it had never done Hyungwon any justice. He was ethereally beautiful. Hoseok suppressed the urge to draw him and concentrated on the details. Crawling on top of the thin body, he slid his tongue over the other man’s collarbone, collecting the tiny drops with his lips, going further down over the erect nipples and tasting the delicious mixture of water and Hyungwon centimeter after centimeter. Heavy breaths were leaving the plump lips as the other man gasped at the ministrations and closed his eyes, struggling to remain in his seated position.

“W-when can I let go?” he asked as he hissed at the way Hoseok licked along his stomach.   
  
“You can let go whenever you feel like it. I’ll take care of you.” He was mesmerized by the way his tongue slid over the golden skin, connecting the drops and letting them flow down the defined abs. The switch was instant and like a velvet cover that was removed from an ancient artwork, just to show the bright colors that were hidden behind it. Hyungwon moaned and let himself fall to the mattress, arms gracing the sheets above his head and eyes closed in ecstasy, reacting to every little dip of Hoseok’s tongue with sounds and shivers that ran along the beautiful lean body.    
  
_ You’ll probably never be able to pay him back for giving you his trust like that.  _ __  
__  
Probably not, but Hoseok wanted to give him everything he was able to give, including a wrecking ball of pleasure. His tongue licked over the inner thigh and he placed the lean calf on his shoulder. Small kitten licks teased the other man’s beautiful erection, twitching at every contact. 

“You’re like a dream,” Hyungwon murmured and threw his head back to the mattress, pressing the heel of his slim leg into his back a little, pulling him closer and visibly attempting to get more friction. Light moans continuously flew from his lips, interrupted by harsh intakes of breath and soft gasps of Hoseok’s name. Hoseok was fucking whipped, so whipped he didn’t even care about his painfully hard erection and his libido of a bratty, sexually frustrated lion. Grabbing the lube he coated his fingers properly, determined to make Hyungwon scream.    
  
He sucked on the tip shortly while circling a finger around the other man’s entrance before sliding in smoothly and curling it upwards, sucking on the transition between head and shaft. Hyungwon moaned loudly as his thighs pulled together but were stopped by Hoseok’s body between them and the straight erection twitched against his lips. 

Just as before the other man needed to put the energy he felt somewhere, turning his head from left to right and burying his fingers into the sheets above him, knuckles white although Hoseok had only started. 

“Give me more, fuck.”  
  
Who was Hoseok to say no to a request like that? He slid in another finger and sank his head down the whole length of Hyungwon’s straight erection, twitching in his mouth with every movement of his fingers. Shit, the other was so fucking hot that it was unhealthy. Hoseok wanted more.    
  
“Get on all fours,” he commanded, letting the erection slip out of his mouth and licking his lips, before his fingers left Hyungwon. The yearning that he was confronted with as soon as the black-haired was able to open his eyes properly was intense, brown orbs focusing on him and not letting go as he slowly pushed himself up, breathing heavily and visibly delirious at the pleasure that Hoseok blessed him with. It was impressive how affected Hyungwon was by actions that were mere preparation to others. 

Turning around and placing his palms flat on the mattress Hyungwon released a shaky breath as he lifted himself up on his knees, chest rising and falling rapidly and thighs and ass on display.   
  
_ See? That’s why you have your pants on. _ __  
__  
Hoseok exhaled sharply, trying to get his mind back and hissed at the sight, unable to look away. Holy fuck, it was a whole new level of trigger. But it all didn’t matter, because he knew he’d be rewarded with those screams that were like music to his ears. The most beautiful and arousing music in the world. 

He crawled over, kneeling down and gliding his hands down the slim back, tongue licking over the other man’s buttcheeks, placing soft kisses against the golden skin. It got quiet for a few seconds as Hyungwon held his breath, body shivering at every lick and touch before he released it all at once with a gasp.

“Holy shit, what are you even doing, Hoseok?” he moaned, but it sounded more like a rhetorical question than something he genuinely wanted an answer to, arms shaking a little and head falling back with a hiss.   
  
“You told me I’m allowed to do everything I want. I’m at it.” He moistened his lips and licked over the other man’s crack, holding the hips in place with his hands. Hyungwon cursed and would have almost fallen forward, had Hoseok not been holding onto him tightly. A moan followed right after, loud and clear as the flat palms curled into fists, holding onto the sheets desperately and performing the exact opposite of falling forward, pushing further against Hoseok. The other man liked it.   
  
_ Fuck, and now make him scream. _ __  
__  
Hoseok licked and kissed, holding the other man in an iron grip, tongue pushing forward and loving the way the beautiful man reacted. He had expected that Hyungwon would like it, but the extent was not imaginable. The other screamed again, arms giving out and pressing his face to the sheets, on top of his upper arms as he moaned, muffling the sound a little and whole body convulsing at the sensation.   
  
“I see you like it. And now imagine how my dick would feel like.” Hoseok couldn’t help the dirty talk, he loved it. Moving the tongue over his lips he slid two fingers inside the other man, finding the spot he couldn’t reach with his tongue and pressed down. Hyungwon’s right thigh slid forward at the intensity, screaming against his underarm that he had placed his mouth over and whining desperately, pressing himself right back like he was begging for more with his body, dying from pleasure at every stab of Hoseok’s fingers.

“Oh my god,” the beautiful man just murmured against his own skin, various barely understandable words following quietly, impossible to decipher. He must have been delirious. Hoseok wanted to see his face. Removing his fingers again, he just turned the other man around like a doll. It was an advantage as Hyungwon basically didn’t weight anything and Hoseok was into manhandling him.    
  
“I want you to moan in my face. Show me how much you like it. I have to reward myself for not getting rid of my pants,” he groaned and leaned over the thin figure, pushing three fingers in carefully. It was beautiful. Hyungwon’s lips parted widely in a scream as he threw his head back, legs shaking and moving up, such that he bent in half a little, giving Hoseok more access and covering his eyes with his underarm, lips remaining parted.

“Y-you’re driving me mad, Hoseok,” he moaned, bending a little further, lying completely open for Hoseok to ravish. He took it all, moving his hand and biting into the beautiful, warm skin, leaving tiny marks all over the other man’s body.    
  
“And it’s only the fingers, Hyungwon. You have no idea how I’d feel inside you. You’d feel so full, holy fuck.” Hoseok felt his own dick twitch in his pants. It was a struggle. Sweat drops were forming on the golden skin, covering the shoulders, the neck and the thighs, making Hyungwon look so much more ethereal, wet strands sticking to his face and eyes glazy.

“Shit, I want you to- to fuck me so much, Hoseok,” the plump lips whispered, screams filling the room with each movement of fingers and alternating with curses. “I’m d-dying and I- I feel so close.”    
  
Catching a loud moan with his lips, Hoseok placed a soft kiss against the parted mouth.    
  
“I know, but we have a deal. You’re not dying. You’ll come for me and show me that blissful face of yours.” He crawled down slowly, fingers moving a little slower to prolong the orgasm. “I’m the one who’s dying believe me.” 

His lips tightened around the painfully hard erection and he slid down, hitting the spot with his fingers simultaneously, tongue playing with the tip in the process. Hyungwon’s body convulsed and he released a hand from the sheets to curl it around his own thigh and push it further towards his chest, moaning with his mouth open and changing the angle minimally, screaming at the result.

“Fuck me up, Hoseok. Fuck, I love it when you manhandle me.” The brown eyes were completely blown, barely focusing on Hoseok’s face and even if they did it was hard to tell whether the other man was aware of what he was seeing, melting at each touch and movement that Hoseok subjected him to. Intense was an understatement. It was everything that Hoseok had ever searched for in a sexual relationship. It was a major level blessing.    
  
_ If he knew how you could manhandle him when your hands are free.  _ __  
__  
“I will, come for me.” He moved his fingers precisely and more rough, deepthroating the other repeatedly, feeling how the muscles tensed. A few seconds passed before another scream graced his ears, the body in his arms tensed and the other man released himself into Hoseok’s mouth, legs tightening and fingers digging into the soft golden thigh. Another few seconds passed, bliss reflected on the beautiful face before the other man turned limp, as if he just completely let go of his muscle tension.   
  
_ Wow. _ __  
__  
Hoseok licked his lips and got some tissues to clean his hand and the other man. Letting out a harsh exhale he let himself fall next to Hyungwon. A few seconds passed before the big eyes opened slowly, not focusing on anything but just glancing around.

“Holy fuck, I think I just blacked out,” Hyungwon murmured, licking over his lips and brushing sweaty strands from his forehead with his fingers, long digits sliding over the skin and inbetween the black hair. The chest rose and fell gradually before the beautiful man turned towards him and focused on his eyes instead, keeping the contact. Hoseok turned too, staring back and smiling.   
  
“You looked stunning while having a blackout. Can’t relate to that. I just try to dissolve in a puddle and freeze.” He stroked over the sweaty cheek. The plump lips pulled into something that resembled a pout, jumping over his features instead of the eye contact they had been holding.

“I meant that I fainted. I hope you don’t do such things when you faint,” he whispered and pressed a kiss against Hoseok’s lips, reaching for his naked chest and stroking along his sides, drawing circles on the sensitive skin. “I want to make you feel good, just like you drive me mad.”   
  
“It’s not fun when I faint, but I rarely do. My body is pretty strong. You are really stunning, Hyungwon, like the most beautiful painting I’ve ever seen, holy shit. And I don’t mean to be sappy. It’s just the way you make me feel while lying there all beautiful and gone.” Hoseok was wondering how different people must’ve perceived each other. “I’m so sorry for all the people around you.” He looked Hyungwon directly in the eyes. 

A smile passed the plump lips and Hyungwon continued stroking along his side and seemed in thought, looking up before returning the eye contact.

“Thank you for feeling that way about me. Why are you sorry for the people around me though?” He sounded genuinely surprised, intertwining their legs and pushing his thigh a little upwards against Hoseok’s crotch.   
  
_ Sneaky. _ __  
__  
“Because they have no idea how fucking hot you actually are, all spread legged and screaming into my face. Like- holy fuck they don’t know the beauty of life.” Hoseok grinned brightly.

“Ehm.” Hyungwon looked rather uncomfortable at the comment. “I don’t really want them to know.”    
  
“I know, you dummy. It’s just that I’m sorry to them because it’s so amazing, but they just live next to you thinking you’re this really stern, stuck up person. Even my friends think that, but I don’t give a fuck because they don’t know. Thank you for showing me. I really appreciate that. I feel special.” A smile graced his features and he stroked over the semi-wet black hair, hanging into Hyungwon’s face. He received a bright smile in return as the other man placed a kiss on his lips and sat up.

“You are special. The most special person to me,” he said, still smiling brightly and began to undo the button of Hoseok’s jeans and pulling down the zipper, completely ignoring the emotional conversation and switching back to the pleasure.   
  
_ Fair enough. You’re flexible, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“You fucked me up pretty well to be honest, with the way you lost control and asked me to fuck you. I mean- I know that you don’t mean that but my brain goes places.” He hissed at the long fingers trying to pull the pants down his thighs. It was not an amateur job. They were pretty tight, so he helped out. Hyungwon just continued smiling at him, even when the pants were off, before the expression switched a little and the pupils adjusted.

It was a little crazy to see it happen before the other man began placing kisses along Hoseok’s chest and abdominal muscles, dipping his tongue into his navel and sucking at especially sensitive spots. He must have remembered from before. Crawling back up Hyungwon lay down next to him, face right next to his, close enough to see each eyelash on its own as fingers closed around his erection, squeezing at the tip and sliding up and down. Lips came closer to his ear, hot breath hitting his skin.

“I still want you to fuck me, Hoseok. You know that no-one ever rimmed me? I didn’t even do it to anybody myself. I feel like my brain turns off just at the mere thought of how it felt like. Fuck, you drove me mad. I loved every second of it and couldn’t help the way my whole body burned up and wanted to attach itself to you forever. I fought with myself to not beg you to fuck me but I still did. That’s what an effect you have on me. I just give up and melt,” the low voice breathed into his ear, paired with firm strokes along his dick, thumb moving over the tip and digging into the slit.   
  
_ He’ll fuck you up. _ __  
__  
“You felt amazing. I couldn’t breathe properly, seeing you on all fours for me.” Hoseok moaned, leaning in and biting into the skin of Hyungwon’s shoulder quickly, before letting go and returning to his pillow, closing his eyes. “You have that effect on me that I have to wear clothes when I deal with you. My whole life consists of me imagining how you would feel like around my dick. I’m an animal, Hyungwon.” 

_ You're imagining it even now, who are you lying to? _

“Your descriptions drive me mad, Hoseok. I keep wanting to know what it would feel like, what I would perceive, if it would be just like it feels in my hand, if I would lose my mind from the intensity,” the black-haired continued, speeding up and licking along Hoseok’s ear. “Every touch of yours sets me on fire so I feel like you being inside of me will burn me to the ground.” 

He was close. The dirty talk was so incredibly hot. He felt the intense pleasure creeping up his limbs and coming down his lungs, concentrating in his groin. 

“I'll show you if you decide to beg for it,” Hoseok groaned and his body tensed impossibly, low moan of Hyungwon’s name filling the acoustic space as he released himself and the impossible tension. Moist lips pressed against his before Hyungwon reached behind them to grab some tissues and clean up, wiping over his hand and Hoseok. 

“Blowjobs are less messy,” the other man commented before sitting up and glancing at him. “The dinner is tomorrow at five.”

_ What dinner? What the fuck is going on? _

Hoseok stared at him with big eyes, not getting his shit together yet. 

“Are you leaving?” 

Hyungwon looked uncomfortable for a few seconds before he smiled, but it wasn't comparable in brightness. 

“No, not yet. I just wanted to tell you when we will eat dinner with my brother,” he replied and placed another kiss to Hoseok’s lips, cupping his face with his large hands. “I'm glad that you agreed to come.”

_ The family. You'll be meeting his family. _

Hoseok let out a deep sigh before curling his arms around Hyungwon and pressing him closer. 

“I have to give you the pictures I drew on the rooftop. I think you might be able to use all of them.” He remembered the way his hand moved almost automatically while the rain fell on his head mercilessly. He felt a smile against the skin of his neck as Hyungwon hugged back. 

“That's amazing. I guess you felt inspired and therefore drew under such conditions? I tend to forget basic bodily needs when I'm really into it and don't eat, drink or sleep. My mother always got really furious,” Hyungwon elaborated and chuckled shortly, attaching his lips to Hoseok’s skin again. 

“I wasn't inspired. I wanted to get rid of everything.” He shook his head shortly to get rid of the cloudy, but still unpleasant memory. “You have to eat though. How did you become CEO?” He had wanted to ask a long time ago but didn't get the moment right. 

Hyungwon lifted his head, appearing in thought for a few seconds before he focused on Hoseok’s forehead and smiled. 

“Well, I was a freelance artist and kept selling my works for various purposes. The last years it had always been clothes and sold ridiculously well so I decided to start my own thing, where I can decide what clothes and what patterns to produce. I prefer drawing to be honest but like this I have more control and more possibilities. I still work with freelancer artists because the works are nicer and more special, more personal.”

“We should totally get a drink because my contract ends next week and I'll become a free man.” Hoseok grinned and watched how the strands of black hair slipped through his fingers. 

“I don't drink. Why do you only become a free man after the contract ends?” the other man asked calmly before his eyes widened. “Oh no, the deal was that you get my contact details for working with me but now you already have them. How am I supposed to fulfil my part of the agreement?”

“Because I won't owe you anything. Just give me the bathtub full of money you promised me and I'll be fine. Why don't you drink?” Hoseok loved the feeling of warm skin under his fingers. Hyungwon was so beautiful naked. 

“Ehm, bathtub? You want a bathtub filled with the cash? Does it have to be connected to the water tubes or can it just be freely placed in the room?” Hyungwon took it literally again and ignored the question about his drinking habits. The large eyes moved to the ceiling, obviously in thought. “Does it have to be full-size?”

“Argh, I just said it like that because it was a lot of money, like there's a lot of water in a bathtub? Never mind, just show me where you live already. I keep making you miserable and uncomfortable anyway so you can also just not give a shit and show me how you live.” He really wanted to see the other man's private space, to see how he normally lived without Hoseok ruining everything. 

“So it doesn't have to be a bathtub?” Hyungwon asked again as if that was the main problem. Then his eyes widened again, further words coming through. “You want to visit me? You mean see my apartment?” The beautiful man began chewing on his cheek. “Okay, but not now. I'll go mad.”

“You can hold onto my hair or whatever you need.” Hoseok grinned. “Or I'll just pay a spontaneous visit. I mean- I know where it is, will be more fun probably.” His fingers walked a path from the beautiful shoulder to the underarm and back. Hyungwon froze, lips pressing into a thin line. 

“Don't.”

“That's unfair. I have shit loads of things I want from you and you just refuse to give them. Is there something you want from me?”

_ So you can refuse too. _

“I'm sorry, Hoseok. It's just- I never really had anyone over before. I'm willing to let you because I like you but I have to get used to the thought. I'm afraid of getting a meltdown, Hoseok. I hate them.” Hyungwon sounded a little exasperated, speaking faster than usual and tightening his hands around Hoseok, nails leaving marks on his skin. He wasn't lying about the fear. 

_ Will he ever be able to feel comfortable around you? _

“It’s fine.” He pressed the other closer, feeling strangely devastated.

“Let's just- let's just pick a date and then it'll be fine, okay?” the low voice whispered as Hyungwon stroked over his hair, tangling his fingers with the strands and pulling a little. “I'll be fine if we plan it like that.”

“Whatever makes you feel at ease.” Hoseok closed his eyes and thought about the way Hyungwon must've lived all this time.

Flexibility and spontaneity made him feel free whereas Hyungwon was apparently scared of those things, feeling uncomfortable and trying to bring structure into something that lived off...its lack of order.

_ How is this supposed to work? _

“It's getting late, Hoseok. I think I'll get going. How about you pick me up tomorrow at 4:25PM and then we'll drive to Jin?” Hyungwon proposed as he placed a kiss on Hoseok’s temple and released himself from their embrace, sitting up on the bed and watching him. Hoseok just nodded, staying on the bed and staring up to the ceiling as if hoping that a solution would appear on the white surface. 

“The drawings are on the blue drawer. You can take them. Want me to drive you?” He felt a little empty but it could've also resulted from the tiring day. 

“No, I'm fine. Thank you,” Hyungwon answered politely. It sounded distant as he took the drawings and walked out of the room, still naked. After a few minutes he returned, fully clothed in his sweatshirt and tight pants, including his jacket. He leaned over and placed a kiss to Hoseok’s lips. 

“See you tomorrow,” he whispered before walking out of the door. 

He grabbed the phone from the nightstand and pressed the third number in the caller list. 

“Something’s up?” the low voice ripped through the speaker. It was kind of calming and he really liked the vibrations. Hoseok sighed, ignoring the thought that it had probably been a bad idea to call.

“You and me, back then, did we have a lot in common? I'm just wondering why we dated and whether we were somehow similar. I just can't bring myself to remember.” It was always a lottery. He could've been laughed at, screamed at or the other could've just hung up on him. 

_ Wouldn't be the first and the last time.  _

“I guess he left. Are you wondering whether the stuck up CEO is your thing? Why do you want to know, Hoseok? How is it relevant?” Changkyun spoke without a mocking undertone so Hoseok continued. 

“I'm just wondering if there are really factors that need to be there for a relationship to work, besides affection. I mean- look at us. The affection was there but it still went to shit.” He let out a sigh, slowly accommodating to openly talking about their relationship without wanting to drown in a puddle. 

_ It's because of Hyungwon. _

“Is. The affection is there, but it's not the point. What did you like about me? I mean, my personality is kind of special but you still went for it. There must've been something that you considered worthy.” Silence filled the line while Hoseok thought about himself three years ago. 

“You were so exciting, so receptive and you made me feel like a hurricane. I had the feeling I could've done anything when I was with you.” It was true, he had felt free with the short black-haired man around. They've spent most of the time together. Changkyun had filled his minimalistic furniture with his stuff, adding something to his previous life, making it more warm? Was it warm?

A low chuckle sounded through the speaker.

“I love how honest you are. I know what you mean. There are also things because of which I consider you an amazing person, but they may be different. Do you understand what I mean? As long as it feels good there's no problem. Does it feel good, Hoseok? You looked very happy to me, sucking face and all that buzz.” The other said something emotionally relevant and had to neutralize it with a sarcastic comment immediately. 

“We're so different. I really, I mean I really want to be with him, but there are so many things. He's very strict with rules and order whereas I'm a chaotic mess. He needs a lot of time for things and I'm impatient as fuck and can't deal with frustration. I have the feeling I want so much from him but then he just comes around and doesn't want anything from me. Shit.” Hoseok massaged his temples at the little outburst. 

“Yeah, but you saw how two hurricanes end up. I'm not going to persuade you to have this relationship because I want you for myself and for that handsome asshole to choke, but there's only one problem that can't be solved and it's the one I'm having right now. You can't fix lack of affection, Hoseok. Everything else is easy. Let's drink on Sunday. I hate you for calling me.” He hung up. 

_ You hurt him, you idiot. But on the other hand he had hurt you too. You're both equal now.  _

Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed out loudly. Hyungwon and him were like two absolutely different poles, meeting by accident and intertwining their lives such that none of them was able to leave. 

_ You're not able to leave because you want so much from him.  _

_ You just need to make him want you more. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A deal it is ~
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	17. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyungwon is a handful but it's worth it.”

Saturdays were the days that Hyungwon always kept free except for the regular early dinner that he had at Jin's place, enjoying the culinary creations of his wife and the way the two of them told him about their daily routine, explaining unfamiliar concepts and making life a lot easier for him. The thought of having another person there disturbed him, even if it was Hoseok.  
  
_He's special but you still can't say everything around him._  
  
Hyungwon wouldn't have the possibility to ask openly about every little thing, especially aspects that concerned the blue-haired man. Most of his questions were about Hoseok recently, behaviours and desires impossibly complex and requiring explanation and assistance. He wished that their relationship was a little more organised and typical, but on the other hand he didn't. Whenever Hyungwon had read a book on the usual set ups of relationships and how people behaved none of the actions had been to his liking, so not following the advice was positive. However not being able to predict or interpret Hoseok’s behaviours was rather negative.

_He wants you to sleep over and to see your apartment. All those things are normal and everyone does them in relationships, you have to do them too._

But why was he the only one who felt so scared? He couldn't even say why he was scared. It was just the fact that it hadn't really happened before. No one had ever visited him at his apartment. Not even Jin.

_Maybe you are afraid that the order will get messed up?_

Maybe. He wasn't sure because it also wasn't clear what constituted ‘messing up’, changing furniture, arrangements? Why would Hoseok do that? He hadn't done that yet with Hyungwon's spaces.

The day had been mostly spent with his sorry attempts to focus less on the way Hoseok made him feel, completely losing himself in the other man's hands in addition to his consciousness, and more on the task at hand. He was supposed to clean up and not focus on past occurrences, but there he was, thinking about Hoseok and how much he wanted to feel him. In ways he wasn't supposed to.

_Why can't you just remember that you'll completely lose control and won't be going back? You're already beginning to switch your main person, Hyungwon. Do you think Hoseok can take all that? He's already struggling and worrying about being with you, thinking you shouldn't be together._

It would only get worse if Hyungwon let go, focusing on Hoseok alone and making him the most important person for him.

_But can you stop that from happening?_

He would try, not begging on his knees as he had agreed with Hoseok and be satisfied with what the beautiful man was regularly gifting him.

_But will that be enough for you? You can't satisfy Hoseok like that._

He bit his lip, uncomfortable with the thought and remembering the nasty grin of the short, black-haired man he disliked so much, knowing that he couldn't be enough for Hoseok. But he wanted him so much. He wanted to be sufficient.

_Clean, Hyungwon. Don't stand here thirsting over Hoseok. Since when do you react like that?_

Taking a few deep breaths he wiped over the surface of the kitchen table. It was the last room to clean before he would dress and prepare to be picked up by Hoseok. The one person he had been thinking about for the whole day and even part of yesterday, on his way home. Why couldn't there be an introduction to relationships? Explaining how not to behave and what hurt the other person.

Hyungwon threw the dirty cloth in the wash and scanned the kitchen for a surface he had missed before walking over to his closet. Alice felt a little bit uncomfortable when he didn't wear underwear under tight jeans, so he pulled some over his hips before the ripped jeans attached to his skin, various cuts appearing over his lean thighs and knees. Since it was a dinner and black was a little too depressing he grabbed a white pullover and put it on, hands curling up in the long sleeves. It felt good.

Taking another glance at his mirror image he felt a little strange and decided to put his bangs up, revealing more of his forehead.

As soon as he was done, sorted all his belongings and had prepared the shoes he was about to wear he stood in front of the door and expected the bell to ring. It was 4:24.

Hoseok rung the bell after a minute and it was difficult not to smile like a fucking sun.

Hyungwon pressed the button that opened the door and arranged a few empty food boxes on the shelf next to the entrance door. He waited for the blue-haired man to come up so he could help.

Once he appeared on the stairs Hyungwon smiled. The other was wearing tight black pants and a black turtleneck, leather jacket thrown over one shoulder, pale face framed by the sea hair, like a beautiful picture. Hyungwon would have loved to draw it but there was no time and he preferred the more emotional drawings, the ones that made his heart beat furiously just from seeing Hoseok’s facial expressions.

“I need your help with carrying something, is that okay?”

“Sure.” Hoseok stretched out his arms.

Hyungwon stepped a little further into the apartment and grabbed the boxes from the shelf, placing them in Hoseok’s arms before he walked to the kitchen and got a few more out of the fridge, this time the filled ones. Arriving at the hallway he placed those on top of the already present heap.

“Awesome, let's go,” he said once he checked whether all the boxes were there. He had to give all the food containers back that accumulated over time.

“Do you bring your own food?” Hoseok looked surprised, but followed him downstairs. Hyungwon laughed loudly. If there was something he wasn't good at then it was cooking.

“I can't cook even if it would save my life, Hoseok. Whenever I had to do it I just got anger outbursts at not being able to follow the recipe or missing particular ingredients. My sister in law always gives me food so I have to bring some containers back. The full ones are just kimchi that my mom made and wanted to give to my brother. He's very busy so she doesn't see him much,” Hyungwon explained and walked over to Hoseok’s car, passing the impossibly tight parking spots. He saw the drawing that he had created last time, thereby easily recognizing it. “It's still there.”

“Yeah, you marked it, so I left it there.” Hoseok loaded the boxes into his blue AUDI and jumped into the driver’s seat. “I need the address.”

Hyungwon recited it immediately. It was one of the things he had remembered the fastest. Once Jin had moved out Hyungwon had still hoped that he could get lost and pretend that he lived there. Unfortunately it hadn't worked.

_And now Hoseok will meet the most important person in your life._

He knew that it would happen before but sitting down on the passenger seat instead of taking a taxi and seeing Hoseok sitting next to him was strange. The two were really going to meet. His heartbeat picked up and he knew that it was weird but he couldn't help it and buried his fingers in Hoseok’s hair, closing his eyes and inhaling slowly and exhaling even slower before he let go.

“I'm sorry. I suddenly got nervous. I never introduced anybody to Jin before. He met Minhyuk by chance and that didn't even involve me. He just means a lot to me and I hope you get along and then there are those really dumb thoughts in my head but I can't help them, oh my god.” Hyungwon just babbled, starting off with an apology and then trailing off somewhere, he didn't even know himself where.

Hoseok simply leaned in and bowed the head, letting Hyungwon touch the blue hair, while placing a palm on his thigh.

“It'll be okay. I'll try to be a decent person.” The other man chuckled and squeezed his thigh. Hyungwon shook his head as he touched the hair anyway. It calmed him down so if Hoseok was offering there was no way that he'd say no.

“That's not what I'm worried about. What if you see him and realize things and then you don't want to be with me and I know that he's straight and you're gay but he's kinda normal but I'm not and oh my go-” Hyungwon stopped himself by placing a hand over his mouth, shocked at his own verbal diarrhoea. He must have really been nervous. Shit.

“There's no way. There's no way I know to stay away from you. I would have used it if there was one, believe me. You can perform a bloody exorcism and I wouldn't bat an eye.” Hoseok spoke very calmly in his low voice, leaning into the touch.

_That's what everybody says until they see his face._

Hyungwon pouted, sticking his lower lip outwards and pulling at the blue strands, trying to get him closer.

“That's because you haven't seen him yet,” he murmured, staring at Hoseok’s hand on his thigh. He shouldn't have because his mind immediately filled with images of the last day and his body reacted quickly. He looked up at Hoseok’s face in panic, hoping he hadn't been too obvious.

“Did you see yourself, you oblivious person?” Hoseok stroked over his thigh. “I see handsome people eight hours every day and touch them.”

Hyungwon swallowed. The stroking wasn't helping. The touch was warm and easily passed through the thin fabric of his jeans. The ring and middle finger were on a ripped cut and impossibly hot against him. A tingling sensation spread over his legs and upwards.

_Why are you reacting so quickly, Hyungwon?_

“Hoseok, if you don't remove your hand from my thigh I might get hard,” he whispered, hand pulling the hair stronger although he didn't mean to. “I can't stop thinking about how you made me feel yesterday.”

“Think about it some more. There are so many things I want to do to you,” the other man whispered back and it sounded extremely hot.

_Fuck._

Hyungwon whined and threw his head against the passenger seat, biting down on his lip and closing his eyes for a few seconds, hoping to calm his body down and stop it from wanting Hoseok in random situations. Such as in the car on the way to his brother. It was unexpected. Hyungwon hated unexpected. The hand was still hot against his thigh. “We're in a fucking car, fuck my life.”

“I'd take you on the backseat but you didn't beg.” Hoseok smirked and removed his hand. “Let's go.”

Hyungwon sank into the car seat and wished for it to envelop him and preferably not spit him back out. The grin on Hoseok’s face was teasing and it felt strange to be in such a situation and unable to do anything about it. He pouted his lips again and closed his eyes, attempting to think about mathematical equations and their solutions, definitely non sexual thoughts.

“You're hot.” Hoseok slid the gaze from his face down his body, remaining between his legs much longer than necessary, before starting the engine.

“And you're not doing anything about it,” Hyungwon hissed back. He didn't mean to sound hostile but it was frustrating and he was more of an all or nothing person when it came to sex. He spread his legs for comfort and slid a little lower on the seat, eyes still closed and lips parted to take slow breaths. Hoseok wasn't really helping his technique of distracting himself with mathematical equations. He was stuck at the ‘all’ and really wanted to return to the ‘nothing’.

“Of course not. We had a deal.” Hoseok’s voice sounded much lower than usual. The other man must've been affected too.

Hyungwon opened his eyes, focusing on Hoseok’s facial expression to determine whether his appearance revealed anything about his inner state. The pierced tongue slid over the red lips slowly, playing with the lip piercing in the process. Hyungwon leaned in closer to the blue-haired man’s ear.

“But we don't need to fuck to bask in each other's affection,” he whispered, breath rough and hitting the shell of the beautifully formed ear.

“I might fuck you with my tongue if you're nice to me,” Hoseok exhaled sharply, trying to concentrate on the road. Hyungwon's breath hitched at the words, brain recreating the images and memories including the detailed emotions as if he had been perfectly conscious as it happened.

“Fuck, yes, please,” he moaned shortly before he threw a hand over his mouth and sank into the seat, hitting his head against the headrest to get his shit together. What the hell was wrong with him? Usually he could turn it off like a switch. The only exception were rooms that had sexual associations, such as Minhyuk’s bedroom and Hoseok’s bedroom. Also the studio, partially. And his office, partially.

_It's the loss of control, Hyungwon. You always yearn for it._

“I'll think about it.” Hoseok’s lips spread in a smirk as he stopped in front of the familiar house, turning the engine off and glancing over to Hyungwon. “I think you need a minute.”

“No shit,” he hissed back, glaring at Hoseok for riling him up like that, before he stroked through his hair with his fingers although it was partially styled up anyway. He sighed and continued his calming breathing pattern. “I'm all or nothing, Hoseok. Shit like this is hard on me. Don't rile me up in public. I don't care about social norms, so I'd just jump you.”

Hoseok merely leaned back, crossing the arms behind his head, bulky chest on display and thighs spread for comfort.

“I don't care. Now go into yourself and think about the same feeling only 3000 times worse. That's exactly the way you make me feel because I want to fuck you so badly. Want to jump me in my car? Fine with me. Want to jump me on the street? Also fine, I just don't think you'd be comfortable screaming in front of all those people.” The beautiful man tilted the head to the left and stared at him.

Hyungwon's eyes widened extremely, lips parting at the several realizations that hit him at once.

_Were you about to let go in public, Hyungwon? Get your shit together!_

“Is- is it that bad for you? Not to fuck me I mean?” he asked carefully, amazed by the restrain that Hoseok continuously showed him. He wasn't even able to remain calm after a hand on his thigh apparently. Fuck, it was infuriating. “You're right. I don't want anyone to see me like that. You have more control than me.” His breathing calmed down and he wasn't hard anymore, only his face still felt a little hot.

“It's worse than you imagine.”

_You make him suffer and aren't able to satisfy him._

But there was nothing that Hyungwon could do about that. His mental blockade was also for Hoseok, to give him space that he possibly required. Hyungwon feared to lose control and see the pleasure that it gave him. He didn't want Hoseok to have to deal with the aftermath.

He bit down on his lower lip as he opened the seatbelt.

“Listen Hoseok, I'm really sorry for making you feel this way. Changkyun was right when he told me that I couldn't satisfy you, but I'm trying. Just- just give me time okay?” He paused and his fingers burned with the desire to offer something. Hyungwon had to offer Hoseok something in return for all the restrain and patience. “H-how about you come to me after the dinner…and I'll show you my apartment? I'll also try to explain why I'm so afraid of letting you fuck me. I want you to understand.”

_You need him to be sure whether he wants to be with you before you let him come closer._

“It's not that you can't satisfy me. I just keep wanting more from you. You don't need to explain anything. I'm sorry for always mentioning it. I'll stop.” Hoseok looked a little hurt. “I'll come visit you whenever you like me to.”

“I want you to come today.” Hyungwon wasn't quite sure but it was unlikely that he would get any surer anytime soon. He climbed out of the car and waited for Hoseok to do the same before he stepped through the beautiful garden in front of Jin's house. It looked almost exactly like the ones on the prospects his mother loved looking at. Standing in front of the door he glanced at his watch, deciding to wait another two minutes to be right on time.

Hoseok walked past him and pressed the bell.

_No._

“No!” he exclaimed, panicking a little and fingers burying inside Hoseok’s underarm. “It's too early, w-we have to wait two minutes until it's time. Now everything is going to be ruined. Something is going to h-”

His outburst was interrupted as the door opened slowly and Jin appeared, dressed in jeans and a black button down. He looked good as always and a little bit surprised.

“Hi Hyungwon. It's okay, don't worry about it. You being a little early will make Alice impossibly happy.” The smile was really bright and his brother gave him a very tight hug that he simply remained in, not letting go as Jin turned towards Hoseok. “I'm Seokjin, Hyungwon's older brother. You must be Hoseok then. Since Hyungwon needs a minute or two you can already go through,” Jin said and the smile remained, still audible from the words. Hyungwon released the air in his lungs and calmed down a little bit through the familiar scent of the other’s cologne.

It was okay that they were early. Even good because Alice liked it. It was okay and he could let go and be calm.

Hoseok walked into the house, turning around a couple of times, looking for something in Hyungwon’s face.

“I'm okay now,” he murmured and let go, entering the beautiful living room and giving Alice a hug. It was a little strange because she kept getting rounder each meeting and therefore felt different with the passing of time.

“Great to see you, Hyungwon,” she exclaimed and stroked over his hair once, something she liked doing a lot. Hyungwon smiled brightly and walked over to Hoseok, grasping his palm tightly. It was time to introduce him. That's what people did in such situations.

“Jin, Alice, that's my boyfriend, Hoseok. He's a wonderful artist and all of you should see his drawings,” he said and smiled reassuringly at the blue-haired man. Alice smiled funnily, in a way that Hyungwon hadn't seen before.

“Long time no see,” she exclaimed before she walked over and squished Hoseok in her arms, reaching up cause she was tiny. “Oh my god, I can't believe that you're Hyungwon's boyfriend! I really love the tattoo and Jin over there is genuinely obsessed with it.”

Hoseok looked a little confused before his face lit up in a huge simile.

“Wow, it's you. I tattooed the blue whale on your…skin,” he finished while blushing a little in the end. “It's really nice to see you again. How have you been?” Hyungwon couldn't really figure out why there were breaks and if he was missing something of particular relevance, but he just let go of Hoseok’s hand to not be out of place. He figured that his boyfriend had tattooed a whale for his sister in law but that was basically it. Jin just kept grinning as he placed glasses on the table.

“Is it like my whale?” he asked carefully, a little worried that it wasn't like the drafts he saw in the studio but something more personal like his.

Hoseok grinned at Alice.

“Not quite. She wanted a blue one and yeah- but it looked really good! Can I help you with something?” The other man was really outgoing and had obviously no problems communicating with his family. Unlike Hyungwon.

The relief was instant, feeling calm at the fact that his drawing was different. His sister in law was using the time to tell Hoseok about her work at the Architectural office and how she was taking a break.

Finishing the detailed elaboration Alice shook her head and pointed at Jin who had just placed forks and knives on the table.

“I'm already the slave in the house,” his brother commented and pulled back a chair for Alice to sit down. “Amazing, so my brother's boyfriend saw my wife's naked ass. Lovely.”

_What?_

Hyungwon felt confused again. Hoseok was gay, wasn't he? And Alice was way older.

“But Hoseok is gay,” he murmured as he sat down across from Jin, feeling weird because of Hoseok and Alice knowing each other. His behavioural rules didn't apply again and he didn't know how to behave. Formal or the way he always did.

“The tattoo, Won,” Hoseok whispered for him to hear and smiled softly. Hyungwon nodded thankfully and grabbed the warm hand in his, using it to press his pattern into the skin with each digit.

“Hyungwon just relax and be yourself, there are no regulations you have to fulfil,” Jin commented nonchalantly as he put some soup into Hoseok’s plate giving it to him.

“I think the first time I've heard your name was when Hyungwon told me ‘Jin was right, Jin is always right.’” Hoseok smiled at his brother and squeezed Hyungwon’s hand a little. Luckily the saliva did not get stuck in Hyungwon's throat as his eyes widened and he couldn't help but be surprised that Hoseok remembered that.

“Oh really? What was I right about this time?” Jin asked, filling Hyungwon's plate and placing it in front of him.

“You know already,” he murmured as a reply and grabbed his spoon, taking a sip of the soup and focusing on the way the liquid looked in his plate. Jin had no mercy as usual.

“You mean that you can't stay away from Hoseok even if you planned on doing so?” his brother asked and laughed shortly. “You're really impressive, Hoseok. Hyungwon never brings anybody over and I'm really glad to meet you. You inked the shoulder tattoo, correct?”

“Well the staying away went incredibly well,” Hoseok whispered at him before turning around while smiling brightly. “Yes, it was a long time ago, three years. Oh and thank you, he really makes me feel very special.”

“Well, he is rather special,” Jin replied and his smile was a little different from the usual one and Hyungwon was too focused on his soup to tell. “I dare say that I haven't seen Hyungwon be that hooked on someone and I’ve known him since birth. I'm glad that you are very open minded.”

Hoseok smiled beautifully.

“Well I also didn't jump in squares without stepping on lines on a sidewalk before, there's always something new to learn from him. Thank you for inviting me over." Hoseok kept the eye contact to Jin throughout the talk. The two of them seemed to get along and that was enough to calm Hyungwon down. Jin just laughed loudly, like a windshield.

“Hyungwon is a handful but it's worth it.”

Looking at the way a piece of tomato disappeared in Jin's mouth Hyungwon remembered the forgotten kimchi in the car.

“Oh no! We forgot the kimchi in the car!” he exclaimed and jumped up, almost throwing over the table accidentally.

Hoseok pulled him down with a strong grip, so that he landed on the chair again.

“I'll go get it, eat your soup or it'll get cold.” The other man stood up. “I'll be back, we forgot stuff in the car.” He turned around and left, squeezing Hyungwon’s shoulder shortly while brushing past him.

Hoseok was simply amazing.

“Oh my god, Jin, he is so wonderful. He makes beautiful tattoos and he always takes care of me and his hair calms me down and I trust him so much, I have never felt this way before. I want to give him even more of myself but I'm so scared that it'll be too much and he'll leave and I'm constantly losing control or acting strange and I'm so scared that I'm freaking him out. I like him so much, Jin, I can't even look it up anywhere. None of it fits my emotional state. It's all too soft and inaccurate compared to how I feel. None of them describe the wish to throw my biggest fear into his hands and close his fingers around it, letting him keep it until he decides to return it. I want him to have my all and it's so scary, Jin.” He talked without a break trying to pour his thoughts out and ignoring how his brother looked in the middle of his monologue.

“You don't have to be scared,” Hoseok’s low voice sounded behind him before the other man turned to Alice, asking where to put the boxes.

_He heard._

Alice was quick, immediately helping Hoseok and discussing quickly about kimchi and quality although she had no idea. Hyungwon swallowed slowly to calm down a little, to deal with the fact that Hoseok had heard his emotional diarrhoea.

“Well, now that Hoseok has heard anyway it might be better for you to discuss it with him. He knows best if he's overwhelmed by your special qualities or not,” Jin said calmly. It was the voice that he always used to explain things to him. Hyungwon just nodded and inhaled the rest of the soup.

Hoseok came back and sat next to him, warm palm placed on his thigh.

“I really like you, please don't leave,” Hyungwon murmured as Alice brought the main dish, a new variation of Bulgogi. He placed his hand on top of Hoseok’s and intertwined their fingers. It made everything much better.

“I don't want to leave, which is why you'll have to suffer more because of my personality,” Hoseok whispered back, sliding his fingers over the ripped jeans, using the transitions between fabric and holes to stroke the skin tenderly.

_But he didn't seem that convinced before._

“You weren't that convinced when you told me that we shouldn't be together,” Hyungwon murmured and stared at the way his plate differed from the others, ingredients arranged separately whereas everyone else's had a colourful mixture.

“Of course we shouldn't, because I keep destroying everything you love, but if you like me destroying everything you love then it's a kink, so it's fine,” Hoseok hissed back and buried the warm fingers in the holes of his jeans. “Want me to mix your vegetables?” He grinned. Hyungwon buried his nails into the other man's palm painfully and glared at him.

“Don't you dare. And if you make me hard at dinner with my brother I'll destroy everything _you_ love.” The anger was sudden but it felt like Hoseok was riling him up on purpose. He was glad that the beautiful man didn't want to leave him, but the teasing was effective and therefore frustrating. Actually such actions never worked on him, he was too calm and unaffected for that, but the beautiful impersonation of the sea had him in the palm of his hand.

“Destroy yourself then, Einstein.” Hoseok took his fingers out of the holes and slid the fingernails along his inner thigh, smiling at Alice as if there was absolutely nothing going on.

_Hoseok is good at acting unaffected. Fuck._

Hyungwon turned towards the couple in front of him too and smiled as well as he could, shivering a little at the way the blunt nails felt against his inner thigh. Jin just gave him a reassuring smile, looking beautiful and nice as always.

“Hoseok has been working for me the past months, for a collaboration project with the government. So you'll probably see his works on the streets soon. I'm a little bit sad that a lot of people will be wearing them, but I wouldn't want anyone else's drawings.” Work was safe. He could talk about work and art for hours.

Hoseok nodded and put a piece of meat in his mouth, chewing slowly, while his nails went up from the inner thigh to his crotch, stopping directly over his dick.

“This is _delicious_.” Hoseok looked at Alice and smiled. Hyungwon forced himself to breath through his nose, choking on the meat that he had intended to swallow without the involvement of his lungs. He coughed a few times, trying to get it back into the right tube as he threw Hoseok another glare, mouthing ‘stop it’. Alice seemed oblivious, happily talking about Hoseok’s drawings although she didn't know the real ones. Jin just watched calmly, eating peacefully.

Hoseok turned around to him, hand grabbing his thigh, fingers digging into the muscles.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon felt it was unfair how the blue-haired man just caused a problem and offered to be the one to solve it. He felt less worried about Hoseok meeting the most important person in his life and more frustrated about not being able to act on his urges. He glared at the culprit and mouthed ‘fuck you’ at him before turning back to the meat and eating more of it. As he loved doing the meat was eaten first, then he would eat the peas and leave the rest.

Hoseok removed his hand abruptly and concentrated on the talk with Jin without paying any attention to him, eating and laughing at his brother's jokes and making compliments. Hyungwon had no idea what they were talking about and he couldn't focus. Now that the hand was gone he missed it, wishing for the contact and reassurance to return. He stretched out his own hand and placed it on Hoseok's thigh, squeezing shorty and staring at the other man.

“I'm sorry, I'm dumb,” he whispered quietly. Hoseok just ignored the hand and kept talking, although Hyungwon was pretty sure that the other man did it on purpose. The lack of reaction was uncomfortable so Hyungwon called his name again, this time a little louder. It was enough to get Jin's attention who looked at him with surprise.

“Yeah?” The blue-haired man turned to him, acting surprised.

_Pure evil._

“You can continue touching me, it was nice,” Hyungwon replied and returned to his food, stuffing an especially big piece of meat in his mouth. Jin choked on his water before catching himself quickly and taking another sip as Alice just grinned. Hoseok seemed surprised for a second before he smirked at him.

“But I thought you didn't want to scream in public. Eat your meat.” He turned back to his food with a winning smile on his face, no signs of embarrassment or confusion visible.

“Fair enough,” Hyungwon answered and continued eating. It wasn't surprising that he had no feelings of shame, but he hadn't expected Hoseok to be the same. It was going to be a shitshow. “Then we'll push it to later. I like the meat as always, Alice. Don't have any feelings concerning the rest.”

Alice grinned the way she always did when Hyungwon complimented her food and Jin rolled his eyes.

“Amazing, Hyungwon, now you can not give a shit about social conduct together. Are you explaining things to him, Hoseok? He really needs it sometimes,” his brother elaborated and the smile was soft and handsome.

“Yes I told him to stay away from me while giving a lot of reasons but gave up after the 300th time.” Hoseok grinned and elaborated further. “I try to make my point clear but I really like it when he explains things to me, so I can understand why he behaves the way he does. I guess that's how people deal with each other usually.”

Jin nodded slowly, listening intently and Hyungwon felt weird to be talked about in third person. It made it more difficult to tell if it was something good that was being said or something bad.

“But I like you, why would I stay away? Isn't the point of dating that we are together and see each other a lot? Including going to eat together, occasional visits, watching movies, making out and regular sex.” Hyungwon went through his list of dating behaviours that he developed while looking up what people did.

Hoseok started laughing all of the sudden, almost bending in half before catching himself and stroking over his hair, brown eyes staring at him with a beautiful smile on the curled lips.

“I love you, you're amazing.”

Hyungwon understood absolutely nothing, turning towards Jin and trying to decipher some information from his face, but it was impossible. Nothing made sense.

“Normally people don't have a list of things that couples do, Hyungwon, it's more spontaneous with the decisions and actions. Others just do what they feel like instead of going through what they think should be done,” Jin explained suddenly before throwing Hoseok a glance that Hyungwon couldn't read again. It must have meant something, maybe something important that he just didn't get. Everything was suddenly much more complicated with the four individuals in the room. He wasn't sure where to look so he focused on the way his fork sank into the meat. He pulled it back out and repeated the motion, watching it intently.

“It's the only way things make sense,” he murmured and pulled himself out of the conversation, drowning in the way the fork moved over the meat, colours blurring and sounds fading out. The quiet was pleasing and he threw himself as far as he could into it.

_You'll lose control like this._

The voice was annoying and kept repeating so Hyungwon switched it off.

It was calm again.

 

***

  


Scared. Hyungwon was scared about everything concerning him. That was the summary of the other man’s monologue while he had gotten the kimchi out of the car.  
  
_You scare him._  
  
He didn’t want the other to be scared, even if that meant that he had to tease him under his brothers dinner table, earning death stares and perfectly cut fingernails digging into his skin. The way Jin had talked about Hyungwon was more than strange. The other kept explaining every single thing as if Hyungwon was some kind of alien, pointing out differences between normal people’s perception and his own, telling him ways to behave and leading the conversation.  
  
_Does his family think that he’s weird?_  
  
Hoseok didn’t care and it made him kind of angry. He loved the chaos, it was perfect, perfectly chaotic, frustrating and exciting. He wanted to see how the beautiful man next to him took the conversation and saw a blank expression, facial features absolutely motionless. Hoseok lifted his hand and took the other man’s palm, squeezing it lightly.  
  
“You okay? Should we go home?” he whispered in the beautifully curved ear. The other man just didn’t react, moving his fork strangely into the piece of steak before pulling it back out and repeating the motion. Jin appeared more worried the longer it continued.

“I think he blacked out.”  
  
_Blacked out? Like you on the rooftop, you also didn’t get that he was there._  
  
“I see. What does one need to do? I mean I just come back by myself after some time,” Hoseok elaborated while stroking over the hand in his palm. The man across from him seemed a little taken aback by his answer.

“You have blackouts yourself?” he asked as he cut another piece of meat and placed it into his mouth, throwing a glance in Hyungwon’s direction once in awhile. “Hyungwon also returns by himself. If we couldn’t wait I covered him with a blanket for a while or held his ears closed, something similar to that.”  
  
“Yeah, but only if it’s emotionally intense. Normally I don’t. He normally touches my hair, but I guess he’s too gone for that.” Hoseok let the hand fall on the lap and placed his fingers against Hyungwon’s left thigh, pressing the pattern the other loved so much, alternating digits and trying to get a regular rhythm. The slim leg tensed shortly before relaxing again, breathing pattern adjusting.

“If something is emotionally intense such a reaction is perfectly normal. It’s human,” Jin commented, watching Hoseok intently until Alice slapped his shoulder.

“Stop watching them like a creep. I’m sorry, Hoseok. Jin is probably over analyzing everything again. It’s the profession,” she said with a laugh and smiled dazzlingly. Hoseok smiled back but concentrated on the pattern, hoping that it’d help to get Hyungwon out of the blackout. He wanted a death-stare and a ‘fuck you’. It was way better than the motionless nothing.

Suddenly a warm hand grasped his and Hyungwon exhaled sharply.

“Did I break anything?” he murmured, worry soaking each word as his hand used too much strength to hold onto Hoseok’s fingers.  
  
“No. Everything is fine. Want to go home?” Hoseok tried to make his voice softer than it actually was, holding in the pain from the fingernails digging into his skin. Hyungwon finally let go at the words, looking around shortly and smiling as soon as he met his brother’s gaze.

“No, meat is meant to be finished,” he said and placed another piece of meat into his mouth. Jin chuckled at the words and nodded shortly.

“Just finish up and feel free to go home right after if you wish. Alice will pack some stuff up anyway so you don’t have to cook,” Hyungwon’s brother commented before giving Hoseok a soft smile as well.

The speed with which Hyungwon inhaled the last half of the steak was award-worthy, sticking most of it into his mouth and chewing quickly.

“Let’s go then,” he murmured as soon as he swallowed everything down. “I love you platonically, Jin.” Alice cursed and jumped up quickly, grabbing a few containers and disappearing in the kitchen.  
  
_Thank god._  
  
Hoseok really wanted to go. Preferably home, drink something with alcohol and sit on the beige couch for two hours staring at the paintings on his walls. The whole discussion before, in the car, at the table, the teasing and the blackout had really made him tired and confused.

Alice reappeared with a few filled boxes, balancing them on her tiny hands and handing them over to Hoseok.

“Thank you very much for coming. I’m still very thankful for the tattoo and for you guys coming to eat with us. I hope the tattoo studio is still doing great and you’re seeing and tattooing lots of nice body parts,” she exclaimed with a smile and gave him a hug. He smiled and leaned in, leaving space because of the boxes, before he walked over to Jin and tried to reach out to shake the other man’s hand. The other man grabbed it tightly, smiling brightly as Alice gave Hyungwon a hug who looked a little awkward.

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Hoseok. Thanks for liking Hyungwon.”  
  
_Why is he thanking you for that?_  
  
“There’s nothing to be thankful for. He’s amazing. Thank you for the food and the nice talk. See you soon.” He turned around and walked out of the opened door, loading the containers into the trunk, before climbing into the driver’s seat. Hyungwon hurriedly ran out of the house and to the car after a while, climbing in next to him and groaning shortly before he sank into the seat.

“Hugging her is so weird ‘cause it changes every time I come here,” he murmured and stretched out his legs.  
  
“Strange? Because she’s pregnant? Wait till the baby is there, it’ll scream at you.” Hoseok chuckled imagining Hyungwon with kids and failing. The black-haired turned to him with such a speed he could have snapped his neck, staring at him.

“She’s pregnant? Fuck, now everything makes sense.” He leaned back again, looking like he had an epiphany and placing a warm palm on Hoseok’s thigh. “Thank you for coming although you spent most of the time making me want to jump on your lap and not climb off again. Like ever.”  
  
“Don’t tell me you didn’t realize, what did you think? That an alien was living there? What the fuck?” Hoseok started the engine, watching how his fingers curled around the black leather of the wheel. “I need to make you want me more,” he whispered, more to himself.

Hyungwon chewed his cheek, visibly a little uncomfortable but the hand on Hoseok’s thigh squeezed it a little, fingers pressing into the muscle lightly.

“I don’t know. I didn’t think anything to be honest, just that she keeps changing and it’s weird.” The other man was staring straight ahead, pressing his favourite pattern on his own thigh with his left hand.  
  
“Let’s go. I’ll drop you off and help you bring the stuff up.” Hoseok switched the gear and turned right, driving back to Hyungwon’s apartment.

“Do you want to come up?” Hyungwon asked suddenly as he slid the car into a parking spot smoothly, turning towards him and staring at his face intently, brown orbs focused on his eyes. “And stay?”  
  
_What?_  
  
Hoseok couldn’t really control his facial expressions, staring at Hyungwon with a blank face, mouth slightly open and eyes widened.  
  
“Why would you want me to stay all of the sudden? It doesn’t make sense.”  
  
What the fuck does make sense, Hoseok? Nothing does if it’s him.

Hyungwon swallowed visibly but didn’t remove his gaze, easily passing the length of appropriate eye contact. His palm was still on Hoseok’s thigh.

“Because you were basically there this morning while I was preparing the boxes and it wasn’t scary or confusing. I think it’ll be fine and I want you to be there. I like you after all,” he whispered back and leaned further into Hoseok’s personal space, faces only a few centimeters apart.  
  
He felt like fainting. Adrenaline and the immense tiredness battled each other, sexual tension mixing into everything like a curse.  
  
“I might just pass out and sleep until tomorrow and then you’d be sulky,” he answered, trying to hold the eye contact, which was unusually intense.

“I’ll just blow you until you’re awake.”  
  
_Holy fuck, Hoseok._  
  
“Sounds like a good deal. Let’s go.” He unbuckled his belt and jumped out of the car, getting the containers and waiting for the other man to follow. Hyungwon chuckled as he got out of the car and walked over to Hoseok’s side to check if he closed the door properly, opening it and closing it again.

“You can’t get in without me anyway, why are you so fast?” he asked as he walked over, pressing a button to wait for the elevator.  
  
_Never show desperation, people use it._  
  
“Because I might just throw your food on the ground and leave if you’re not fast enough,” he answered with a smirk. Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he quickly entered the elevator as soon as it arrived, furiously pressing the button for his floor. The walls were completely mirrored, golden patterns weaving over the floor and the railings. As soon as they stopped the black-haired slipped through and ran to his door, opening it and releasing a relieved breath.

“Fast enough? Please don’t throw it on the floor,” he murmured as he pointed further into the apartment. “Just put them in the fridge.”  
  
“You’re cute.” Hoseok slipped out of his shoes and walked through the hallway in the direction Hyungwon had pointed at, putting the boxes into the fridge and looking around. Everything was very carefully arranged, just like the hallway he had walked through. It didn’t lack furniture as Hoseok’s apartment did, but rather there were shelves over shelves arranged and filled with books, appearing sorted according to certain principles that weren’t apparent from the first gaze. The kitchen was completely clean, not even a spot present and nothing was lying on the counters, just a few kitchen machines and a collection of spices that looked like it hadn’t been touched since purchase. The colors were predominantly black and white, all of it. Hyungwon followed him to the kitchen and opened the fridge door, checking something before taking a box and putting it on a different rack.  
  
“Now I know why you didn’t want me around your house,” Hoseok murmured, walking out of the kitchen and examining the other rooms. Hyungwon followed him quickly to the living room, again predominantly black and white with the exception of a few book backs in the bookshelves. Painting were covering the walls, very realistic depictions of people in action with a focus on the face from different perspectives. Most of the people seemed unfamiliar but there was a woman that resembled Hyungwon and Hoseok easily recognized Jin.

“Do you want me to show you around?” Hyungwon asked carefully and looked rather awkward. “Why do you feel like you understand why I didn’t want you here now?” The tall man played with his fingers as he looked around the living room himself, pausing at a few drawings before he returned his gaze to Hoseok.  
  
_Because the pile of reasons why you two don’t fit together keeps getting bigger._  
  
“Yes, show me around and tell me about your rules.” Hoseok felt the familiar bitterness crawling up his lungs but breathed in and tried to hold it back. Hyungwon frowned, letting go of his fingertips and looking around again.

“But there aren’t really any rules. Don’t break my things I guess? I like them.” He chuckled shortly before his gaze stopped on the bookshelves. “Don’t mess up my book order?”  
  
“What do you like more, people or things?” Hoseok asked, looking over the paintings and remembering his best friend’s words.  
  
_You need to have at least one thing in common, Hoseok._

“I don’t know,” Hyungwon answered, appearing rather surprised and following Hoseok’s gaze. “How do you figure out whether you like something more than another? Wouldn’t I have to create some kind of scenario in which I chose between those two? I'm bad at simulations so I wouldn't know unless it really happens. Why do you ask, Hoseok?”  
  
_If you just pull the red book out of the shelf and let it fall on the ground, will he get a meltdown and hate you for that?_  
  
Probably. Why do you even ask, Hoseok?  
  
“No, it’s fine. I was just wondering. You wanted to show me around.” He walked out of the living room and waited for Hyungwon to follow. The other man appeared almost immediately, closing the door behind himself.

“What would you like to see? Everything is pretty much like that. I am not very versatile with my things.”  
  
“Bedroom.” He opened a white door and looked inside. It was obviously the bedroom, large king-sized bed taking up most of the room, sheets completely black with white bedside tables surrounding it, symmetrically. A black and white cupboard covered a whole wall, reaching the ceiling and including two full-body mirrors. However instead of the pencil drawings that had filled out the living room and partially the hallway all the space that wasn’t occupied by furniture was filled out with paintings of the sea, vibrant blue colors covering the wall, transitioning into yellowish sand or white sand, varying between the pictures and transitioning into the light colors of the sky. The painting right above Hyungwon’s bed was the beach at night, red mixing into the waves, remaining light of the sunset coloring the sky.

It was a little too much, even for Hoseok. He wondered how the other man managed to calm down with the insane amount of different colors.  
  
“Don’t you get meltdowns from the color explosion?” Hyungwon shook his head as he appeared next to him, glancing inside the room himself and smiling.

“I love the sea.”  
  
_Fair enough._ __  
  
A sudden headache crushed over him like a tsunami. It was the paycheck for getting angry, horny and then angry again, feeling sad, bitter, and overwhelmed, all in succession.  
  
“Can I have something to drink?” He walked out of the bedroom, searching for the black couch to sit down. Hyungwon ran to the kitchen hurriedly, returning with a glass of water and sitting down next to him, thighs touching.

“Can I help you somehow? You seem a little overwhelmed. I rather thought my apartment is boring instead. It’s all very regular and predictable.” He pushed the glass into Hoseok’s palm, looking concerned, face close and eyes taking up most of the beautiful face again. “After seeing everything- and it’s kinda personal- Do you think I’m strange now?”  
  
The headache buzzed in his ears and he closed his eyes, breathing in loudly.  
  
“I’m fine. You were chaos from the start. Nothing changed for me.” Hoseok tried to keep his sentences short, temple hurting and water not being a help unfortunately. He could feel Hyungwon watching him, palm rubbing over his thigh before he felt the other man shift his weight, settling on his lap and arms curling around his neck, hand attaching to the strands of his hair and pulling his head toward the thin neck, hugging him tightly.

“I still don’t grasp why I am chaos to you since everything is so organized,” he murmured as he placed a kiss on the top of Hoseok’s head, smell of cherry wood filling out his senses. His fingers found the thin waist almost automatically, clinging onto it and sucking in air to get a grip of reality again.  
  
_It was a rollercoaster again, that’s why you are like this._  
  
“It’s organized, but the only one who knows the order and rules is you. Also your reactions are not organized at all. It’s always different and doesn’t follow a pattern. You never react the same to one thing. Fuck I think I overdid myself today with that emotional rollercoaster.” Hoseok buried his head further, begging for the headache to disappear magically. Long fingers stroked over his head, caressing the skin of his neck before resuming the path from the top downwards, pattern regular. Hyungwon hummed in agreement, lips attaching themselves to Hoseok’s temple for a second before kissing the shell of his ear.

“I always react the same way when you touch me, I’m ablaze,” he murmured, hot breath hitting the skin of Hoseok’s neck. “Would you like to lie down and relax or sleep?”  
  
_No, don’t let the blood flow away, you need it._  
  
It was too late, body immediately reacting to the words and the way Hyungwon’s low voice sounded in addition to the burning breaths against his neck.  
  
“I’m dying of a headache and I’m emotionally unstable but you manage to drive me mad in a split second, what is this sorcery?” He shifted his hips under the other man’s weight, arms curling further around the waist and pressing him closer.

“What can I do to help you?” Hyungwon asked, arms loosely hanging around Hoseok’s neck but fingers constantly stroking over his hair.  
  
“Show me how much you like me,” Hoseok whispered after monitoring and dismissing every thought that involved him being inside the other man. Hyungwon put a little bit of distance between them, looking down at his face and brown orbs focusing on him.

“You sure?” the black-haired asked quietly as he pushed his hips further into him, thin thighs tightening to keep himself in place.  
  
_As long as he doesn’t take off your pants._

Hoseok let out a low moan, the tension in his groin slowly replacing the headache and making room for more.  
  
“Please.”

It was intense as Hyungwon stared at him, eyes focused on his and lips parted to breath in slowly and exhale just as slowly, hands tightening around Hoseok’s neck. A few more seconds passed before the gaze changed and the black-haired clashed their lips together, moaning in his mouth and pushing his hips forward at the same time, hands holding onto him desperately and attempting to close the already non-existent distance between them.  
  
There was nothing Hoseok had thought at that moment. His body melted into the man on his lap as he held onto the this hips with the reinstated strength in his arms, meeting the movement with a thrust and moaning at the feeling, head spinning and feeling of lack of oxygen spreading in his limbs. Hyungwon didn’t pause, hands stroking over every bit of skin that they could reach, sneaking under Hoseok’s shirt and caressing the naked skin, impossibly tender and light in the way they brushed over the stomach and the sensitive sides. The other man was vocal, small gasps and moans leaving his lips at every motion and every movement of their hips, thighs constantly shivering before clenching around Hoseok. Plump lips covered his face with kisses, moving from his forehead, nose and cheeks over his lips to his neck, leaving light teeth marks before sucking on his lip piercing, licking over it and pulling at it with his teeth.

“I want to make you happy,” Hyungwon breathed out against his mouth as the beautifully golden hands pulled at his blue strands and tilted his head for a deeper kiss, tongue licking over his own. Hoseok kissed back, pierced tongue sliding over the plump lips before playing inside the other man’s mouth, mixed with incredibly hot breaths intertwining and connecting, clothes seeming so useless and disturbing. He pulled at Hyungwon’s white pullover, trying to get rid of it to feel more of the other’s lean body.  
  
“You do. Fuck, you do - believe me.”

The black-haired gasped against his mouth and lifted his arms above his head, allowing Hoseok to pull the thick cloth up, revealing golden skin and parted lips, which immediately attached themselves to his although he hadn’t fully undressed the other man, arms still above his head but impatient and unwilling to let Hoseok finish.

“I’m on fire, Hoseok, everything just burns with the wish to feel you. It always does, as if you’re a catalyst that melts my whole being,” Hyungwon breathed out against his lips, eyes closing and breathing harshly, strain from holding his hands up becoming visible. Hoseok slid the pullover up and threw it to the side, breathing harshly, the other man’s words pushing against his self-control mercilessly.  
  
“Feel me then. Do whatever you like.” He roamed along the smooth back, nails leaving thin trails. Gasps left his mouth at the sight of the beautiful half naked man on his lap, red, parted lips sucking in air and pupils blown. The hair that had been styled up to reveal his forehead fell into his eyes partially, framing it as teeth bit down on the plump lower lip and the other man glanced down. Hands quickly attached themselves to the shirt he was wearing and pulled it off his chest, nails scratching him in the process, leaving a few lines on his pecs.

“I want to feel your naked thighs under mine,” Hyungwon gasped and undid the button of his own pants, quickly followed by the zipper. He got up shortly, taking them off completely, including underwear and throwing them to the side before sliding back onto Hoseok’s lap and kissing him, long fingers fumbling with further buttons and zippers. Hoseok helped the other man, standing up while letting Hyungwon slide down his body, before taking off his clothes completely and sitting down again.  
  
_But you wanted to keep your pants on, Hoseok._

_Fuck._

Brown orbs met his shortly before Hyungwon leaned down and slid his tongue over Hoseok’s chest, licking his nipple, sucking the metal barbell into his mouth before letting his tongue explore along the defined muscles, dipping into the navel and pausing at his dick, breathing over it hotly before standing up and climbing up on his lap again, pulling their bodies flush and moaning into his mouth.  
  
_Oh no. Hoseok, no._  
  
It was like a transformation, thoughts stamped as irrelevant and disturbing, mind only concentrating on the feeling of hot skin and firm ass on his lap. He moaned back, sucking Hyungwon’s tongue into his mouth and sliding his fingers over the back down to the smooth cheeks, burying his nails in them and thrusting up intuitively. The black-haired groaned, blissfully unaware and responsive as he always was, hands burying into Hoseok’s shoulders and rolling the slim body over his, eyes closed and throwing his head back at the intensity.

“I love how you feel under me, Hoseok,” the plump lips whispered, head still thrown back and arms loosely around Hoseok’s neck, only his own nails and the hands firmly gripping his ass giving him hold.  
  
“I love how you feel sitting on me, fuck, I’m going nuts.” He went for the neck, sinking his teeth into the soft skin, licking over the bite with his tongue and kissing it right after, hips thrusting up repeatedly to increase friction. Hyungwon moaned loudly before releasing one hand from the muscular shoulder and curling it around Hoseok’s firm erection instead, giving it strokes in time with the way the beautiful black-haired rubbed his hips over his thighs, mouth permanently opened and establishing eye contact, each harsh breath hitting his face. The hands on the firm ass tried to push the thin hips further into his body. He was going crazy with the proximity.  
  
_He didn’t ask you and he didn’t beg. Get your shit together, Hoseok._  
  
“I’m seriously going crazy, Hyungwon, you’re making it really difficult for me,” he breathed out harshly, staring right into the big, brown eyes, hands frozen in motion.

“Then come for me as you imagine what it would feel like, Hoseok. You’re not too far off,” the low voice whispered in his ear as the movements didn’t seize, hand continuously moving over his erection and tightening around the transition, thumb rubbing over the tip before moving back down and thin thighs feeling like liquid fire against his skin.  
  
He grabbed the firm ass, squeezing it and thrusting into the long fingers curled around his erection, head thrown back and moaning at the images in his head and the feeling of the naked skin all around him. Hyungwon leaned further to the front, lips brushing his ear as he moaned himself, clouding Hoseok’s senses, if that was even possible at that point. He knew that the feeling was different, but the low moans and the overwhelming tension made up for it a little. He removed one hand from the lower back and slid his fingers through the black hair, grabbing it and tilting the head back, teeth nibbling along the soft neck until his lips were right next to the pretty ear.  
  
“If I’d be inside you right now, you’d be screaming into my face because of how fucking outworldly it’d feel like,” he groaned in the extremely low voice and thrust into the fingers again. Hyungwon cursed, moaning at the way Hoseok kept the hold on his hair and hand stuttering a little around his dick before it tightened again, resuming it’s rhythm. The thin thighs were shivering from the strain it must have cost the beautiful black-haired to keep himself in check.  
  
_Fuck him up, Hoseok._  
  
“How much do you think you’d shiver if you’d sit on my dick like that? You would be scared to move because you’d feel so full, but it’d feel so fucking amazing that you’d still do it. You’re so sensitive so you’d need help. I would lift you up and drop you down on me, so you know what a fucking firework feels like.” Hoseok was basically dying, his own words and the images intertwined making the tension in his groin impossible to take.

“Would you-” Hyungwon gasped, stopping to bite his lip, hips moving smoothly over Hoseok’s thighs and hand sliding over his erection. “Would you manhandle me, throw me around and do whatever you want to me? Grabbing my thighs and putting me where you want me the most? Moaning at the way my skin feels under your hands and around you.” Hoseok let out a groan, Hyungwon had found his weakness.  
  
“Fuck, I’d fuck you against the wall and wipe things from surfaces, placing you on top to taste and feel you. Holy fuck, you can’t even imagine what I’m capable of.” He bit his own lip to hold on a little more.

“I’m fucking flexible so you could just bent me whichever way you want and I would love it all, dying at every little touch,” Hyungwon moaned into his ear as nails scratched over his back, adding pain to the pleasure. “Fuck, I would probably almost faint at every movement of your dick inside of me, Hoseok.”  
  
“You won’t faint, you’d scream and I’ll love every single bit. I’ll be really good to you, I swear.” Hoseok threw his head back and buried his hands in the firm butt again, thrusting up and releasing himself with a loud moan. He didn’t want to lose time coming down from his postorgasmic high as he opened his eyes wide, staring at Hyungwon.  
  
“You have two minutes,” he whispered.

The black-haired beauty stared at him, sweat drops visible on his skin, some black strands sticking to his cheeks and upper neck, lips parted and red, breathing harshly. A few seconds passed before he slowly crawled off his lap, visibly shaken and unstable, struggling for a bit longer before he disappeared through the living room door, marks of Hoseok’s fingers visible on his backside.  
  
_Holy fuck. How long will you be able to live like that?_  
  
Hoseok stood up carefully, grabbing a couple of tissues from the small table and wiping himself clean before he went to the bedroom. He needed to lay down.

Hyungwon entered the room quietly, closing the door behind himself and only the irregular breathing pattern betrayed him, coming closer before he crawled on the bed and placed a kiss on Hoseok’s naked thigh.

“You’re ruining me and my composure,” the lean man breathed against his hip bone, lips travelling further up before they landed on his, eyes staring at him as the slim body leaned over him, hands on each side of his head.  
  
“You,” Hoseok said, gaze narrowing, a hand cupping the beautiful chin and tilting the head down a little. “Sit on my face.”

The eyes widened and lips parted, hiss leaving them as Hyungwon licked over his mouth and glanced to the side shortly, breaking the eye contact and sitting up.

“How?” Hyungwon asked carefully, hands caressing his own thighs until the knees and gliding back up.  
  
“You crawl up as if you want to fuck my mouth while I’m lying down and then you just go a little further. I’ll take care of the rest.” Hoseok caught the plump lower lip with his teeth and let go after a second, already aroused at the thought.

A nod followed before teeth bit down again and Hyungwon crawled up, placing his lean thighs on each side of Hoseok’s face, nails holding on to the headboard, knuckles white.  
  
_Oh holy mother of god._  
  
“Good idea, hold on tightly.” Hoseok chuckled and grabbed the lean ass with both hands, pulling it down and licking softly before picking up pace and becoming more rough, holding Hyungwon in place. As expected the other man screamed at the sensation, sound of nails on wood filling Hoseok’s ears before the beautiful man managed to hold onto the board properly, hitting his head against it and keeping it there for stability, curses alternating with moans.

“Fuck, I love it when you fuck me with your tongue,” the low voice gasped and the body above him began to yearn for the feeling, searching it instead of lifting upwards at the sensation.  
  
“I’m going to fuck you with everything I have, watch me.” Hoseok was absolutely determined to make the other man lose his mind, at least in the same way he himself did. It was only fair like this. He licked over his fingers and slid his tongue upwards, passing the balls, sucking on them and licking over the tip while the coated digits slid into Hyungwon, curling down. The hips shuddered immediately, lifting up at feeling too much but unable to do so as Hoseok held on, loud scream leaving Hyungwon’s lips, head hitting against the headboard again and moaning his name.  
  
“How do you want me, baby, tell me.” Hoseok started sucking on the tip while the third finger joined.

“Shit, fuck me, Hoseok,” the low voice gasped, pushing down on the digits and screaming each time they curled the right way, nails scratching over the wooden headboard loudly with each nicely positioned stab inside of him.  
  
“No. You have to beg for it and you know it, so what do you want me to do to you, babe?” Hoseok dug his tongue into the slit after the question and let it circle around the tip, piercing stimulating the transition. Hyungwon’s body convulsed on top of him, shivers beginning in his legs, obviously struggling to keep himself in place.

“Fuck, I don’t know. I can’t imagine anything being more intense than- than this. Just do whatever you want, I love it all, fuck.” A loud moan left the lips and he covered his mouth with his underarm, whining at the intensity. “Throw me around, manhandle me.” Hoseok let his fingers slip out of the beautiful body, crawling down under him. He turned around and grabbed Hyungwon’s waist, pulling him down and turning him around, such that he lay on the back under him. Hoseok was hard again.  
  
_You need self control for that, can you do it?_

Hyungwon looked up at him, arms above his head and eyes wide, looking vulnerable and fucking beautiful, gasping at each little movement, lips parting with each breath that left his lungs.

“Fuck me up,” he whispered.

 _Do it._  
  
A long breath entered his lungs as he closed his eyes for a second and collected himself, before coating his fingers in saliva and putting a little on his dick. He curled his fingers around it and rubbed the tip against Hyungwon’s entrance, while watching the other man intently. Hyungwon had his lips parted in a moan, watching him with wide eyes and hissing at the feeling. For a few seconds the eyes closed before opening again, still wide and watching him, legs shivering, teeth biting down on the lower lip, enough to break it.

“Oh my god,” he gasped. “Oh my fucking god, Hoseok.”  
  
_Stop, it’s torture for yourself._  
  
He continued, holding the eye contact and lips parting in a moan, before the familiar tingling ripped him out and he moved his hips back, sliding his fingers inside the man below him to not lose his mind completely, evoking a beautiful scream and a full body shiver, legs tightening around his hips and attempting to pull him closer.

“Fuck, make me come untouched, I beg you,” Hyungwon murmured, obviously delirious and not focusing, voice rough from the strain. Hoseok complied, fingers curling and free hand bending the other man’s body for the better angle, hitting the spot roughly. The sensitivity was impressive, each stab resulting in a parallel twitch of Hyungwon’s erection, head thrown from side to side, constant moans and screams leaving the plump lips, unable to remain still without stabilizing him in place. It didn’t take long until the lean body under him convulsed and Hyungwon turned completely motionless.  
  
He pulled out his fingers and lay down next to the beautifully fucked out man.  
  
_It’s your curse, Hoseok. He makes you go nuts but you can’t have him._  
  
The chest rose and fell calmly until the beautiful brown eyes opened, blinking a little and staring at the ceiling. A hand moved to the side until it reached Hoseok’s stomach, stroking over it and looking for his hand, finally finding it and intertwining their fingers.

“There are tissues in the drawer next to you.”  
  
Hoseok pulled the handle and took a couple out before cleaning up. Hyungwon didn’t move, just holding onto the hand he grabbed and not letting it go, independent of whether Hoseok needed it to clean up or not.

“If I let you, what happens then?” he whispered suddenly, still staring at the ceiling.  
  
“What do you think will happen? I would probably never forget how you felt and looked like and won’t be able to sleep with anybody else, cursing you forever. Furthermore you don’t have to do it, I told you, that was the reason for having the deal.” Hoseok squeezed the long fingers in his hand.

“But wouldn’t the intensity fade after a while? Minhyuk said that sex with a new person always feels kind of mind-blowing but one gets used to it after a while unless you spice it up. So isn’t it overdone that you couldn’t sleep with anyone else?” Hyungwon answered and licked over his lips, finally leaving the ceiling and glancing at Hoseok lying next to him, smiling a little. “You know, Hoseok, in my case I’m just afraid I’ll become attached to the feeling and will constantly yearn for it like with everything else. Once I get a taste of what losing control feels like to the fullest I’ll want to feel it, unable to keep myself from it. And you are the only one who can give it to me, so I will attach myself and not let you go, frustrating you and making you hate me.” The smile faded as quickly as it appeared. The black-haired pulled his lips into his mouth and looked up, as if trying to distract himself from the thought.  
  
_As if._  
  
Hoseok grabbed the thin body and simply put it on top of himself, Hyungwon’s face just centimeters from his, lean limbs lying over his muscular body.  
  
“I don’t know about anything actually. I just know that I only want you but I somehow have the feeling you’re the only one I can’t have. I will give you everything you want, Hyungwon. I love you. I really do, although you are like the wood and I’m like a forest fire,” he whispered at the painfully handsome face. The other man frowned a little, appearing surprised at the words.

“But I’m your boyfriend. Why do you feel like you don’t have me? Aren’t I yours?” Hyungwon whispered back, long fingers stroking over the features of Hoseok’s face, brushing over his cheek and the form of his nose before the thumb slid along his lips and the line of his neck.  
  
“Because there are no rules. You can perceive something differently and just leave, wanting the control back, holding your ears and eyes closed.” Hoseok smiled, stroking over the golden skin of the sweaty cheek. “And then I’m the one who’s left not wanting anything else ever, addicted and not being able to do anything. It’s mutual, Hyungwon. It always is.” He was met with a soft nod, pink tongue licking over the prominent lips.

“But I don't want to be like that. I want to be fine with everything you do. Do you feel like I’m leading you on without actually liking you?” The low voice was worried, Hyungwon frowning again and nibbling on his lip in concern. “I want to be yours.”  
  
He just shook his head in return, closing his eyes for a second.  
  
“I do think that you like me, I just don’t understand. It’s the same as it was weeks before, I’m everything that you normally dislike. You don’t have to be mine for me to love you, you just have to exist. The mine, yours thing is only an attempt to classify something that is not bound to be classified in the first place. If I tell you, you’re mine, you can still say yes and then tell me to fuck off after five minutes. It doesn’t mean anything.” He smiled suddenly at the memory appearing in front of his inner eye. “Words don’t mean anything. They never do.”  
  
Hyungwon smiled back, mouth spreading over both cheeks and taking up more space than his eyes for once, placing a kiss against Hoseok’s lips, hand still resting on his neck.

“You’re right they never do. But what makes you different is that you can set me free, Hoseok. You are the only one who can, so nothing else matters. My emotions say it’s you and that’s how it is. It’s not words and can therefore not be rationalized any further. I tried. It doesn’t work. It’s just how it is. I want you and no one else.” Hyungwon looked to the side while speaking, focusing on a spot next to Hoseok’s right eye and appearing in thought, as if he structured his thoughts to speak the way he did. “I just hope that you feel it, because that’s the only thing that really matters. Because words can lie.”  
  
_Do you feel it?_  
  
Hoseok curled his arms around the warm body on top of him, pressing it even closer, lips closing around a collarbone.  
  
“Thank you for showing so much of yourself. It makes me scared but I love it,” he whispered against the hot skin. Hyungwon chuckled.

“Thank you for dealing with me beyond what is necessary. I really appreciate it.” The gaze roamed through the room, focusing on all of his paintings of beaches, smiling a little.

“I did some research on the history of the meaning that people assigned to the beach over time and was rather disappointed. None of it fit with my vision or emotional perception of it. I mean of course it could just be that I didn’t get the metaphors but none of it sounded all that deep to me, just some guy comparing it to his mistress and arguing that she comes and goes, but that is just so shallow for a metaphor, don’t you think? As I said I’m no expert but I feel like there should be more than that. For me it is so strongly based on the feeling I have when I look at it and personal memories that are connected with the place. The way it sounds and the way it smells. A combination of a lot of things, you know?” The black-haired paused as if he realized the extended time he had been talking. “Either way, what I wanted to say was that I’m disappointed by history and people’s inability of expressing the important things in life.” He grinned shortly.  
  
Hoseok stared at him with a smile on his face. It was beautiful, the way the other had lost himself in the explanation, arguing and comparing, pointing out and asking questions. He suddenly felt an urge to know more, much more about the other man, to dive into his world and experience everything the other saw and felt on a daily basis.  
  
“But don’t you think it’s the essence of meaning? It can’t mean the same to everybody. You are special and so are your emotions and reactions that you assign to a specific entity. For the random guy it was his mistress, for you it’s the going beyond here and now and for me it’s dissolving blue watercolor.” Hoseok kissed the plump lips in front of him. “Thank you for letting me into your home.”

“You’re special,” Hyungwon whispered and breathed out quietly.  
  
Hoseok didn’t know how long they were lying under the warm blanket, but the regular breaths leaving the beautiful lips were an indicator that Hyungwon had fallen asleep. Pressing the warm body closer and letting his fingers roam through the raven black hair, Hoseok couldn’t help wondering whether he just kept making everything more complicated than it was. They were lying in bed, in Hyungwon’s apartment, limbs intertwined after a satisfying orgasm, breathing next to each other. What would he want more?  
  
_Maybe you two have something in common, you just didn’t find out yet. Is it really that important to be similar?_  
  
He closed his eyes and embraced the darkness.  
  
What if you can have a happy, uncomplicated relationship with him? You’re lying in his bed and he doesn’t want you to leave.

For now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Jin and Hoseok finally know each other :D Opinions?
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	18. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You hate him, but you want me to leave? That sounds like some rule I don’t understand.”

The familiarity was enjoyable, scent of his bed and home filling his nostrils and warmth surrounding him, hotter than usual with the heavy weight over his waist, but still pleasant. There was no alarm so it must have been Sunday, as there was no other day on which he allowed himself to sleep to his heart’s content, schedules and to-do lists usually filling out all of his waking hours. Hyungwon groaned a little and tried to turn around, letting the heavy weight on his waist rub along his skin before burying his face further in the pillow and raising his right leg, getting more comfortable and creating more space for his groin as it pressed against the soft sheets. 

As he breathed in another scent was added to the familiarity, something that he knew but that didn’t fit into the context of his bed. It was foreign enough to open his eyes.

Pale skin filled his vision, rosy cheeks and lips adding color to the sight, complemented by the white and blue hair strands, covering the soft cheek on the right side and a thicker strand lying over the closed eyelid, emphasizing the eyelashes that threw tiny shadows over the skin. It was mesmerizing and Hyungwon couldn’t get himself to look away, staring and trying to engrave the sight into his memory to draw it later. Hoseok’s lips were a little parted, probably deeply asleep and letting the air leave his mouth.

Stretching out his fingers Hyungwon let them rest under the beautiful man’s nose, feeling how the soft breaths tickled his fingertips. He smiled a little, reaching out for the blue strand that covered Hoseok’s eyelid and moving it to the side, revealing more of the porcelain-like skin. A muscular arm was draped over Hyungwon’s waist, a little heavy and also indicative that Hoseok wasn’t awake.

_ Why are you okay, Hyungwon? No one has ever slept over at your place. You should be panicking and having difficulties breathing because nothing is the way it’s supposed to be, but you are just not breathing because Hoseok is so fucking beautiful. _

He sucked his lower lip into his mouth, breathing in deeply to prove himself wrong, show that his breathing was working perfectly fine even if Hoseok was fascinating. Hyungwon wanted to draw him, just like this, but he also didn’t want to wake him. It looked so peaceful and relaxed. Somehow the blue-haired man rarely looked similarly carefree in his daily life, worries taking over easily. His gaze lifted from the pink lips to a vibrant painting of the beach, color of the water identical to Hoseok’s hair. A dazzling smile spread over his lips. Maybe Hoseok was just where he belonged and that’s why it was okay. 

_ He’s the sea and this is where the sea belongs. With you. _

It felt a little strange to remain in bed, lying next to the other man and watching his face. Time was passing but Hyungwon couldn’t tell how much. The longer he stared at the parted lips and beautiful face the harder it was to resist. Hoseok was more than the emotions he expressed with his face. Even when he was peacefully sleeping he had the ability to make Hyungwon’s heart race and cause the urge to draw him. His fingers tingled with the desire to touch the pale skin, to run his fingers through the hair and to see those dark eyes focus on him, even if he had difficulties with direct eye contact. He still wanted it.

When it got too much he finally gave up and leaned further into the other man’s space, placing a soft kiss against the rosy lips, unable to look away. The other man shivered a little, fingers digging into his lower back, before the eyes opened and a familiar gaze focused on Hyungwon’s face. 

“You're awake.”

Hyungwon smiled, happy to see the dark eyes on his, just as he had wanted, before it got a little too much and he glanced at the smoothly formed eyebrows instead. He nodded, unsure whether the comment brought any information as the person that woke up was Hoseok and not him. After all he had woken up first.

“But mainly you are awake,” he whispered due to the proximity and felt amazed at how the weight around his waist got lighter just because the other man was aware of his bodily sensations. The human body was fascinating. Hoseok pulled him closer and buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck.

“Yes because you kissed me. How could I not wake up?” A low chuckle graced his ears. Hyungwon smiled against the blue hair, placing a kiss on top and wondering whether the conclusion was accurate. In addition he was a little upset about not being able to watch the beautiful face anymore. It had felt somehow magical, like he hadn't really been placed in reality but somewhere that only consisted of him and Hoseok in space, face peaceful and calm.

_ Beyond the here and now, Hyungwon. _

“Well, you wouldn't have to wake up. You could have integrated it into your dream and just continued sleeping with pleasant artificial images that could have involved someone kissing you,” he elaborated and pressed himself further against the muscular body, enjoying the warmth and the way their naked bodies intertwined. “I want to watch your face for hours.” 

“Sleep over then,” Hoseok replied intertwining their limbs. Hyungwon swallowed at the words, discomfort returning at the thought of being out of it just like he had been when he had woken up in Hoseok’s bed, unaware of what had happened the day before. Now he knew.

_ You visited Jin, then you came here to show how you live so you could also give him something and as a finish he drove you mad. _

“You could also just sleep over. Here,” he answered and lifted Hoseok’s face away from his neck so he could look at it, placing a kiss on the lips and wondering whether he had to do anything particular despite it being Sunday.

“I could. But there's an absolutely rational reason for you to rather sleep at my place.” Hoseok tilted his head and a playful smile appeared on the beautiful face. Hyungwon was confused, trying to read the facial expression and not arriving at anything except for an innuendo. Was it one?

“Was that a sexual innuendo I kind of missed?” he asked and tilted his head to the side too, mirroring the action before licking over his lips and chewing on the inside of his cheek. Was there something at Hoseok’s place that Hyungwon didn’t have? “I have lube too, you don’t need to use spit.”

“Well, I never doubted that. It's just that your place is so orderly and you hate chaos. I need to throw things on the ground and place you on surfaces and go absolutely nuts, manhandling you in every possible way. But you'll get a meltdown if I wipe your desk and bend you over won't you?” Hoseok lifted an eyebrow and a warm hand slid down his lower back. 

Hyungwon really wanted to give a rational answer to that question, but his simulation skills were rather bad and the only thing his brain was capable of producing was Hoseok doing something similar to him as he had before, placing him on surfaces and fucking him up, which was rather welcome considering how much he loved losing himself in the other man’s presence. All the furniture was undefined and served the purpose of harbouring his body for Hoseok’s intentions. The image was intense just like the beautiful man’s words the night before. Unfortunately his dick kind of agreed, twitching at the thought and against Hoseok’s leg, before he could even answer verbally.

_ Fuck. _

“See. Your body agrees with me.” The other man rolled the hips into him smoothly and placed a small kiss on his shoulder. Hyungwon gasped before he caught himself, biting down on his lower lip and staring at the dark eyes in front of him, intense as usual.

“Ehm, yeah it kinda does. You’re not gonna rile me up and then leave me hanging like in the car, are you?” he asked, a little worried about his sanity because he rather appreciated being aware of his surroundings and Hoseok was a master when it came to ruining that. Hyungwon didn’t even mean to throw his inhibitions out of the window but it just happened without any rational thought or conscious decision. It wasn’t supposed to happen. 

_ The scariest is that you begin to care less and less, Hyungwon, as if it is suddenly okay. _

“You’re hot, Hoseok. One of the very few individuals on my attractive list. Fuck.”

_ You mean the only individual on your list, Hyungwon. _

“I'm not riling you up. I'm riling myself up, as if yesterday was not enough for the next thirty years. Fuck my life.” Hoseok licked his lips and closed his eyes shortly, dick twitching against Hyungwon’s hip. 

“I think I’ll lose my sanity for an extended period of time, so how about we stand up and I will give you a toothbrush from my collection?” Hyungwon asked quickly, worried about not keeping track of what was happening. According to relationships they were supposed to get ready and eat breakfast, talk about meaningless things. Hyungwon hated talking about meaningless things.

“Why is it blue watercolor for you?” he asked instead, remembering his dream intermixing with Hoseok’s words from last night. He got up, not bothering with clothes as usual. He never did at home. Taking a look around the room and finding it the way it should be he fixed the blanket, arranging it prettily on the side and uncovering Hoseok.

“Give me five minutes to calm down and a bucket of coffee and I might tell you.” 

Hyungwon nodded, taking a look at his wrist watch and checking for when the five minutes would be over, before covering Hoseok with the blanket again and disappearing in the bathroom. He went through his morning routine, brushing his teeth extensively, taking care of his face and fixing his messy bed hair. When he was done he still had two minutes before the time the blue-haired man had indicated so he went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine, looking for the biggest container he could find that still resembled a cup. Pressing a button he began filling it with coffee, repeatedly pressing down again whenever a portion was done.

The two minutes ended when he had filled it about half way. He frowned but took it anyway, walking back to the bedroom.

“I only managed to fill it half way in the time and it only vaguely resembles a bucket, but I hope it’s okay,” he murmured, sitting down on Hoseok’s side of the bed and holding the gigantic cup out towards him.

Hoseok stared at him for what felt like minutes before pointing at the container slowly. 

“Did you really think I wanted a bucket?” 

Hyungwon frowned at him, recollecting what the exact words were that Hoseok had uttered. He was rather convinced that they had included the word ‘bucket’ and referred to coffee. The request had been rather straightforward, five minutes and a bucket of coffee.

“That’s what you said. Did you lie?” he asked, glancing at the 400ml of coffee in the cup.

“Oh my god.” The palm went to the other man's forehead, slapping noise recognizable. After a couple of seconds Hoseok’s gaze meet his and he reached for the coffee.

“Thank you.”

The transition was rather strange and it was obvious that Hyungwon had done something wrong, upsetting Hoseok somehow. He traced his actions back again, trying to figure out what it could have been. Hoseok had requested coffee describing it through a bucket, a rather large amount. He continued frowning until his lips parted in realization. Oh no.

_ A hyperbole. _

“You meant that as a hyperbole, didn’t you? Exaggerating to describe the intensity with which you want it instead of the amount,” he murmured, pouting at the mistake. Of course Hoseok facepalmed. “I’m sorry, I’m an idiot. Do you want a normal cup? We can share it and get rid of the rest.”

Hoseok’s eyes turned into crescents and he smiled genuinely, showing teeth. 

“You're not. You're not an idiot, I love the way you think.” The other man took a big gulp of the brown liquid. “Furthermore you did see how much coffee I drink, so the bucket is absolutely fine. I should've thought about it after mentioning the bathtub filled with money.” Hyungwon chuckled, feeling strangely happy that Hoseok had figured his strangeness before. Still grinning he placed a kiss on the other man’s cheek and stood up again.

“Just don’t sarcasm me, it might get really embarrassing,” he said with a laugh and let a hand run through his bangs. He hadn’t showered after getting it on the night before so they were still a little damp to the touch. “I would take a shower now because my hair looks kind of bad, unpleasant to the touch and not fitting with my self-image of what it should look like. What is your plan?”

“Showering with you.” Hoseok stood up placing the bucket of coffee on the side table and walking over to him, gaze intense. 

_ Ehm, what? That is a rather spontaneous plan. _

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he stopped walking, quickly trying to understand why he reacted the way he did. What could Hoseok possibly do? Nothing much. The rhythm of cleaning his body wasn’t really something that could be interrupted and emotionally there shouldn’t have been a problem, he liked the other man after all. Boyfriends showered together according to his research, spraying water all over each other and childish stuff like that. The main problem was probably that Hoseok just looked a little intimidating.

“Ahm, okay, as you wish,” Hyungwon murmured and thought about what he would need if Hoseok joined him. “Let me get another towel that you can use then. I usually don’t shower with anybody as I said, but I don’t mind being close to you at all, so I guess it’s fine.” He walked over to the bathroom, opening one of the black drawers that harbored large towels and got a white one and a black one out, placing them on the side of the shower. “Alright, now we can shower.”

Hoseok was already inside, standing under the semi cold water, not really caring about the temperature. His hands brushed the wet hair back repeatedly as the water ran down the pale, muscular body. Hyungwon froze, just watching the way the single droplets looked on the other man, fascinated by the sight and wishing to permanently engrave it in his memory for a later drawing as well. A personal one, because according to what he knew naked shower drawings were not meant to be shown around, as it was considered inappropriate. 

His eyes continued roaming the way the water ran down Hoseok’s legs, thighs firm and thick, especially compared to Hyungwon. The biceps bulged at the way he let his hand run through the blue hair. 

Hyungwon wanted him.

_ Since when do you mix aesthetics and pleasure? _

Hoseok didn't seem to notice, squeezing a little shower gel into his palm and rubbing it between his hands. The sight immediately reminded Hyungwon of the way the other man had warmed up lube between his fingers, eyes dark and intense before inserting the digits inside of him. Hoseok started creaming his calves and thighs before going up to his toned abs and chest, arms and neck. He was so fucking beautiful. The impression was so different from the way he had felt early in the morning, urgency almost unbearable.

Hyungwon’s memories were filling out his head, unable to look away and not comprehending how he could be so impossibly aware of everything that he had done and seen despite having lost control. Meltdowns weren’t like that. He never knew what happened but with Hoseok everything was like a memory, kept at the surface of his thoughts and easily accessible. He breathed out heavily, hands clenching into fists before releasing again, eyes still remaining on the naked body in the shower as blood rushed to his face and down. Hoseok reached between his legs and stroked himself a couple of times, gaze glued to Hyungwon’s face. 

_ Fuck. _

He just acted, ripping the shower door to the side and closing it just as harshly behind himself, pushing his flat palms against Hoseok’s chest until the broad back hit the shower wall, attaching himself to his lips and gasping into the open mouth, senses tingling and fire beginning at his lips and burning down the rest of the way, over his chest, stomach and to the legs. 

The other man reached down and grabbed Hyungwon’s thighs, lifting him up, turning and pressing his back against the wall, ravishing his lips and neck. The cold tiles against his skin were in sharp contrast to the way the other man’s touch set him ablaze, just like before, spreading through him and evaporating his inhibitions, letting go and moaning freely, most of his weight resting in the arms of the blue-haired man in front of him.

“I can’t keep my composure with you,” he gasped, throwing his head against the cold shower wall, pain passing through his skull but not numbing the intensity with which electricity-like pleasure shot from each touch of Hoseok’s lips to his groin. “I just melt and wish for you to take over me.”

“I'll keep showing you what I can give you until you don't want anything else,” Hoseok groaned into his ear, hips pressing him against the wall while the pierced tongue slid all over his neck, shoulder and chest. It felt amazing, so different from a normal touch, contrast of warm and cold constantly present and sending shivers to his arms and legs, breath quickening and heart thumping in his chest. Hyungwon moaned and opened his eyes a little, attempting to focus and recognizing a shampoo bottle standing on a rack, unfitting to the sensations he felt and the way blue hair shone in his periphery, further kisses littering his neck and shoulders.

“I- I haven’t even cleaned my hair or anything,” Hyungwon murmured, suddenly uncomfortable with the way his shower rhythm had been interrupted after all. He had to bring it into order. Clean up and then melt in Hoseok’s arms, but his body continuously screamed at him to shut up. “My body says to shut up by my brain keeps screaming that it’s important.” A stabbing pain spread in his temples, fitting to the way he had hit his head against the wall.

“Do you need it? Do you need to wash your hair?” Hoseok moved back a little, panting hard and taking the shampoo bottle quickly, putting some on his palms and rubbing it into Hyungwon’s hair without waiting for an answer. Hyungwon hissed, confused by the quick actions that followed but calmer at the sensation of hands in his hair, massaging his scalp pleasantly. He kissed Hoseok’s lips shortly and closed his eyes, relaxing into the touch as he curled his arms around the waist, keeping them close despite following his routine.

“I shampoo and wash my body first,” he murmured against the lips closely connected to his, focusing on the hands in his hair and the way water droplets hit his skin. He just needed to finish up his routine and then he could relax without worrying about being out of it as soon as he left his delirium. “Let’s do that and then you can do whatever you want to me.”

“Can I though?” Hoseok smiled and put a little distance between them, watching Hyungwon’s movements intently. The separation seemed wrong, so Hyungwon just stepped closer again, pulling the muscular body against his chest, hissing shortly before remembering his intentions and the way he had intended to wash himself before melting in Hoseok’s arms. He let go and sighed.

“Sometimes I feel like my brain is my own enemy,” he murmured and washed the shampoo out of his hair before grabbing the shower gel quickly and rubbing it over his body, unable to keep the annoyed look off his face. It just seemed unfair somehow. Other people could do whatever and he needed to make the gorgeous man in front of him wait because he didn’t want to act mental after getting it on, thereby scaring him off. As soon as he cleaned the gel off his skin, he pulled the muscular body towards himself, attaching his lips to the cute ear and whispering into it. “You can do everything except for what we agreed on. Everything but that.”

“So I can tease you, right?” Hoseok whispered back and it sounded much more intimidating than it should've. Hyungwon gasped at the words and the effect it had on his body, spark moving right towards his groin. Taking a deep breath he nodded and attached his lips to Hoseok’s collarbones, liking along the length and dipping into the hollow.

_ He’ll wreck you, Hyungwon. Use your head. _

“Whatever you want.”

“Fine.” Hoseok pinned him between two muscular underarms, nibbling on the soft skin of his neck and removing his lower body on purpose, leaving as much distance as possible. Hyungwon whimpered at the loss of contact, trying to get it back, hands pulling at the waist to return. His neck was on fire from the way Hoseok bit into his skin and soothed it with his tongue.

The other man continued his path, sucking on a nipple harshly, dipping his tongue into Hyungwon’s navel and travelling down between his legs. He cursed, leaning his head further against the wall and trying to bring Hoseok closer with the help of his hair this time, long fingers tightening in the blue strands and pulling harshly.

“Are you desperate, baby? Save it for later, you'll need it,” Hoseok breathed against the tip, visibly enjoying the way the dick twitched in front of his lips and gave it a couple of kitten licks, sliding the pierced tongue along the transition of head and shaft. Hyungwon moaned, hitting his head against the shower wall again. The intensity forced him to move somehow but he wasn’t able to, firm hands keeping him in place and pleasure only tickling at the edges without filling him out. He wanted it everywhere.

“Can’t you just suck me off already? Fuck,” he murmured and bit his lower lip to keep himself from making too much noise.

After teasing him for at least another minute Hoseok stood up from his knees, grabbing Hyungwon’s thighs in the process and lifting them up such that his ass was placed over Hoseok’s hips. The other man pressed him into the wall and loosened the grip smoothly, letting him slide down impossibly slowly until he felt Hoseok's dick against his ass. 

_ Shit. _

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the feeling, pinned against the wall and incapable of moving, orbs focusing on the other man’s dark eyes properly, watching the way the pupils took up all of the space, water intermixing with sweat drops on the forehead and running down the well-formed nose and lips.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, drowned by the sound of water against the tiles but still loud in the proximity. Hoseok held him in an iron grip, not letting his body move even a centimetre, loud exhales mixed with the water, feeling of the hot tip pressing against him clouding his senses. Cognitively Hyungwon knew that the other man wouldn’t be able to fuck him right now, not without preparing but still his body burned with the desire to tell him to do it. It was intense, eye contact remaining despite Hyungwon’s usual aversion and inability to hold it. Hoseok kept him in his hold, be it with his hands or his eyes. He didn’t even care if the other man would act on his urges, wishing to melt into the muscular body and be set free, completely. 

_ You trust him, Hyungwon. You aren’t even scared. _

_ Because you don’t know what it’s like. _

“I want you to set me free,” he whispered, watching the way the black pupils rearranged in size and wet blue bangs stuck to the forehead.

Hoseok lifted him back up, letting out a sharp breath that must've been stuck in the other man's lungs, before licking the fingers of his right hand, and pressing Hyungwon’s body against the tiles with his hips. The spark of fear was there, for a few seconds, knowing what awaited him and that all his abilities to focus would dissolve into dust as soon as the other man touched him. His legs tensed and he curled his arms tightly around the strong shoulders and neck, biting his lip in anticipation and begging for the moment to pass so he would get rid of the numbing fear. He wished for Hoseok to just do it, to not hesitate and to not ask him, just act and thereby circumventing his inability to let go on his own.

The blue haired man went for his lips, sinking his teeth into the bottom one, pushing two fingers inside him slowly, left hand holding onto his thigh. It hurt a tiny bit with the lack of lube, but Hyungwon forgot it almost instantly as soon as Hoseok pushed against the sensitive spot inside him, body burning up and all doubts disappearing, scream leaving his lips instead, caught by the warm mouth on his.

“Get rid of my inhibitions, Hoseok, get rid of them all,” Hyungwon gasped and held on tighter, supporting himself with the help of his legs as well, trying to push against the fingers inside of him to feel the numbing sensation, the liquid fire that slid along his veins instead of blood. Hoseok was capable of taking over his body in matter of seconds. “Why am I never getting used to it? Shouldn’t the intensity reduce over time, habituation taking over?” he blabbered, unable to comprehend how his body continuously remained the same, intensity staying as the desire to feel it increased.

“You're driving me mad. Fuck, I want you so badly.” Hoseok moved his hand, increasing pace and letting him slide down his hips before he removed the digits, turning his body around against the shower wall as if he was a doll and pressing the firm hips against his ass, curling one hand around his dick in the process. “You have no idea how that feels like.” The other man's erection slid along his ass cheeks, hot and veiny. 

“You don’t know how it feels like when your whole blood is replaced by electric impulses and fire, making you wish for nothing more than pressure inside of you,” Hyungwon moaned back, letting his palms rest flat against the black tiles and pushing his ass back against the other man’s dick. Fuck, he had never yearned for something this much in his life. It was crazy, head foggy and just wishing for the hand around his dick to speed up and the other man to enter him, making him forget about everything else. Nothing made sense, but it didn’t have to. It didn’t matter because Hoseok was holding him in place and had everything under control. “Shit, can’t you just fuck me? I want to know what it feels like when you come inside of me. Or on my back. Fuck.” Hyungwon felt delirious, perceptions blurring into a gigantic mess that consisted of the hands around his erection and the warmth of Hoseok’s body against him. The words were leaving him without any prior sanity check.   
  
“No. I can’t just fuck you, but I want to so badly,” Hoseok groaned, pressing the hips further, fingers around Hyungwon’s erection speeding up it’s movements. The intensity of pleasure increased with the fluency of the movements, blurred outlines becoming even more unrecognizable as Hyungwon tried to get more of a grip, but the tiles were too smooth, fingers just helplessly scratching over them.

“I’m losing my senses,” he gasped and tried to focus on the perceptions instead of his surroundings, no matter how much they made him scream. “Set me free.” Hoseok’s warm arm curled around his waist to hold him, other hand applying more pressure and sending him over the edge. The orgasm was like an explosion behind his eyelids, blurred outlines turning white, closely followed by black, sense of everything disappearing before he felt how Hoseok held him up, carrying all of his weight as he had just let himself go.

_ Black and white, just how you like it. _

“Holy shit,” Hyungwon murmured and tried to get control over his body to return the favour without calling it returning a favour. “I want to see you come.”   
  
“Don’t you think you should be able to stand first?” Hoseok whispered between loud pants. Hyungwon smiled at the words because the blue-haired man had a point. Hoseok sounded close, so it was only right to help out some more, if not bodily then at least verbally.

“Do I need to stand to see you come? Wanna come on my face? Then I don’t need to. Or my back? Whichever you like.”   
  
“Just stay where you are.” Hoseok moved away a little, curling his own fingers around the prominent erection stroking himself but somehow muffling the moans. Hyungwon frowned, turning his head to see the blue-haired beauty and enjoy the sight, surprised at the silent hisses that greeted him instead of full-blown moans, incomplete somehow. It didn’t take long and the other man came, closing his eyes and propping himself up with one hand against the tiles. 

Hyungwon turned around and couldn’t help the pout, not comprehending why Hoseok excluded him in his pleasure.

“Why didn’t you let me help you?” he asked, chewing on the inside of his lower lip and focusing on Hoseok’s breathless form in front of him.    
  
“I was close anyway and you were almost losing balance. It’s fine.” The other man somehow needed longer to get down from his high, still keeping his eyes closed. Hyungwon closed the distance, curling his arms around him and pressing him closer, water a little colder than it was supposed to be, but not unbearable yet.

“Why did you hold back? You didn’t moan. Usually you do,” he whispered, worried that the other man wanted to teach him a lesson, to show him what it was like when another person did not react to ministrations, remaining passive. Hyungwon must have upset him somehow with his actions.

_ Maybe you shouldn’t have let go like that? Begging him to fuck you in that situation? _ __  
__  
“I just wanted to punish myself for almost losing it.” Hoseok chuckled. “It’s fine, don’t think about it.”

Hyungwon couldn’t help the confusion returning. Hoseok did it as punishment for himself? Like religious punishment? Self-whipping for inappropriate thoughts that didn’t fit with personal belief? It seemed rather intimidating and overdone to punish himself for something like pleasure.

“But-” Hyungwon began and tightened his arms around the waist, squishing Hoseok a little. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself. It’s fine, it’s just human isn’t it? You were basically inside me, how the fuck is one supposed to hold back there? After all it was also my fault partially. I’m the one who semi-begged you to do it, losing my mind and wanting you so much. It seemed perfectly reasonable. I mean, what would have happened? You’d have fucked me and then it would have been over with and I would have survived it just like everything else. Probably just become addicted to the way you feel inside me.”

_ What the fuck, Hyungwon? Why do you sound so rational about this? Since when is it rationally okay to let go like that? _

He couldn’t help the way his eyes widened at his own words, rational reason burning itself into his head and not letting go, reminding him of his usual way of argumentation and how he could easily construct one that turned penetrative sex with Hoseok into a good choice. Shit.   
  
“I didn’t hurt myself you dummy, I just keep doing things that strain the ability to control myself. That’s it. And no I wasn’t inside you. I’d know believe me. As if I would’ve done anything without a condom. That’s why you need to beg thrice so I have time to get it.” Hoseok chuckled and curled his arms around Hyungwon in response. 

Oh, Hoseok used condoms.

Hyungwon frowned again, pulling his lips in a tight line and remembering his utmost distaste for the rather uncomfortable and especially unpleasant object.

“I don’t have sex with condoms.”   
  
The other man put distance between them and stared at him for a couple of seconds.    
  
“What?”

Hyungwon just sighed, glancing at the shocked face and trying to remember his usual explanation that he had to use with people that wanted to have sex with him and were terrified of his aversion to condoms. It wasn’t like he spread AIDS around.

“I just hate the way it feels, a lot. I basically can’t do it if a condom is involved, so I just made sure that my partners and me were clean and then got to it. I wasn’t really worried about you so I haven’t mentioned it yet. In addition you said that you wouldn’t do it so there was no reason to talk about it yet,” he explained and watched the way the blue-haired man reacted to his words, trying to see if it would be negative or neutral. It was difficult to tell.   
  
“But you didn’t bottom before, how do you know? You don’t have to wear it,” Hoseok replied, turning off the water after letting it run over his body once more and stepping out of the shower. Hyungwon followed, grabbing the black towel for himself and handing the white one to the other man, rubbing his body dry. Hoseok hadn’t really gotten the point yet.

“I hate the material and the way it feels against skin. It doesn’t matter what skin. I don’t want it to touch my ass either,” Hyungwon remarked and dried his hair too, rubbing over it furiously to get most of the water out before he smoothened it with his long fingers, placing the towel on a drying rack.    
  
“I see.” The other man left the bathroom, hips wrapped in the white towel and got dressed, staring at his phone for a couple of seconds before holding it against his ear and waiting.   
  
“Hey, yeah I saw, let’s make it six or seven PM so I have time to change and everything.” A pause followed. “No, I’m not home. I’m at Hyungwon’s apartment, but I need to change so I have to pass by home, let’s make it seven. What-” The blue-haired man removed the phone from his ear and stared at it before throwing his head back and letting out a groan. He must have been angry again.

“Did that person hang up on you?” Hyungwon asked carefully as he walked over to the bed and fixed the blanket, taking a pair of tight jeans from his cupboard and pulling them over his legs, no underwear as usual. “Who is it and why are you meeting them?”   
  
“Yeah, ‘this person’ doesn’t know how to end a call.” Hoseok huffed. “I’m meeting up with him for a drink today, I promised before. But I have time until five or six.” Hoseok walked over to his bucket of coffee and took it to the kitchen, probably wanting to warm it up. Hyungwon followed, not sure what else to do and not bothering with a shirt. Even the pants were more conformity than anything else.

“Who is it though?” he asked again. Something in his head told him that he wouldn’t like the answer and that made the question even more important and urgent. Usually people said the name but it looked like Hoseok attempted to avoid it. There was only one person that could have provoked such avoidance.   
  
“Ah, Changkyun. We talked on the phone after you left and decided to go for a drink spontaneously, on Sunday, which is today. I forgot to be honest but he called twice so I remembered,” Hoseok blabbered while taking out his coffee from the microwave and taking a big gulp almost burning his throat.

Hyungwon didn’t react, just staring at the other man and the way he pronounced the words as if they didn’t indicate actions, actions that Hyungwon detested. The anger was sudden, appearing out of nowhere and forcing him to clench his fists, air getting stuck in his throat and prominent wish to punch something almost unbearable. He really hated the short black-haired, more than anybody else he had ever met.

“Well, why do you bother then? You could just go earlier and meet earlier, or get ready or prepare yourself for whatever the fuck it is that the two of you are going to be talking about. Why would you even call him after I was there, Hoseok? What is he? Your relationship advice? A compensation? I don’t get it,” he huffed out before walking out of the kitchen and to the bedroom, staring at a painting to attempt to calm himself. Him and anger were a very bad combination. It was uncontrollable and a meltdown in that state would only result in a mass of broken furniture.   
  
The other man appeared in the door frame, holding the coffee which he had filled in a normal cup.    
  
“Want me to leave?” Hoseok asked before taking another sip. “He kinda gave me advice, yes. Our relationship would be a different one if he was a compensation don’t you think?” 

Hyungwon breathed heavily, anger just boiling up at the confirmation of his suspicion. So Hoseok did call the detestable man because of him. Something must have been missing and the blue-haired man tried to get it somewhere else, looking for a person that didn’t struggle with changes and disruption of order.

“If you intend on seeing him then maybe you should leave. I fear that I might break something otherwise,” he replied and took another deep breath, only staring at the painting, forcing his mind to put himself inside of it instead of his currently rather frustrating situation. “I hate him.”   
  
“You hate him, but you want me to leave? That sounds like some rule I don’t understand.” Hoseok turned around and walked into the kitchen before putting his shoes on and stopping in front of the book shelf. 

“I don’t want you to leave, but if you intend on seeing him I am afraid that I will break something, which might or might not include you,” Hyungwon answered, watching the blue-haired man intently and breathing in slowly.    
  
“You can’t break me,” Hoseok whispered and pulled a book out of the shelf, letting it fall on the ground and staring at Hyungwon. 

_ No, please don’t. _

The familiar feeling of dread filled his head almost instantly, oxygen getting stuck in his throat and eyes widening. It felt like the sound of the book hitting the floor bursted his eardrums, pain shooting through his system and drowning the visual input in black color, sinking in from the sides and covering it all up, such that he didn’t have to see it, any of it. He sank to the ground, screaming from the pain in his ears and covered them to protect them somehow, noises so loud although there had been nothing around him before. It was too bright and too loud and although his eyes were closed it felt like it was too much. Everything was too much. 

Panicking he grabbed something on his side, trying to release the piled up frustration and unaware of his actions. Even more noise followed, a feeling that resembled pain covering his shoulders and head. Something moved next to him, more noise painfully striking his eardrums before he felt closed up, motionless in a box of something warm. He tried to escape, scared of what kept him captive, but it was futile, arms and legs immobile. The longer he stayed in the iron box the less noises entered his head, quiet returning and only the sound of his own breaths and blood that rushed to his head perceivable.

_ A meltdown. _

His consciousness returned slowly, becoming aware of his surroundings but only seeing a shirt-clad shoulder. Someone was hugging him tightly, not letting him escape from the grip.

“Hoseok?” he asked quietly, voice burning from something he wasn’t aware off and feeling like he had used all of his strength.

_ You probably screamed. _ __  
__  
“Are you back? Does anything hurt? Shoulder?” the low voice asked, grip still in place. Hyungwon tried to reflect on his body, firstly identifying the warm arms holding him in place before the pain in his shoulders and on the side of his head became obvious.

“My shoulders and my head,” he answered, still roughly and worried about the extent of his meltdown. He must have broken something. Maybe he hit his head against the wall again, or tried to run through a closed door to escape. “Did I break something?”   
  
“You’re unreliable. You told me you’d hurt me but then you end up hurting yourself, you dummy.” The arms loosened and the other man inspected his shoulder, warm palm roaming over the naked skin. “But it’s the same with me, I do that too with my anger management issues.” The voice sounded so warm and understanding. Hyungwon couldn’t even remember how he could have been angry at him, wish to just melt and not worry about anything prominent. He attached himself and breathed in the sweet scent, trying to bury his head somehow.

“I break whatever is next to me. If it had been you, I would have hurt you. I can’t control it.”    
  
Hoseok lay down on the floor and placed the head into Hyungwon’s lap, looking up to him, face so innocent and beautiful.   
  
“Look, you can basically kill me like this. I trust you, it’s fine. If you can’t control it, I’ll take care of you.” 

_ He’s not scared of you, Hyungwon. _

It was breathtaking, the way Hoseok just rested his head in his lap as if he was the most important person to him and would never be able to hurt him. 

Hyungwon had screamed at the beautiful man and attempted to throw him out, to let him run to his ex-boyfriend that he apparently wished to meet and still Hoseok just lay there, calm and affectionate. The pale skin was framed by the blue hair and it was impossible to feel the same anger that he had felt before, all of it dissipating into nothingness. The situation was difficult to comprehend but emotionally it was clear as day. He wanted to cry, but not because he was sad. It was just like the time when Hoseok had told him he wished to be his safe haven, the exact same perception and burning trails on his cheeks, collecting in his eyes to drip down.

“I think I love you, Hoseok,” he breathed out, teardrop running down his cheek and falling on Hoseok’s forehead.   
  
“I think we have more in common than I thought. I love you too, my beautiful moon.” The eyes sparkled when Hoseok had spoken the words, a warm hand reaching up and stroking over Hyungwon’s cheek. “Don’t leave, even if I break your order, please. I won’t remove your control, I’ll just take it for a short time, take care of it and give it back to you.” A beautiful smile appeared on the pale face as the man stared up, brown eyes focusing on him. Hyungwon smiled back, mirror feedback copying the beautiful expression on the pale face. The dissonance with his tears wasn’t there, there was no sadness in them, just genuine joy.

“Okay,” he whispered, nose clogging up and fingers resting on the Hoseok’s cheek, afraid to let go and make the moment fade into dust. He wanted to keep it as long as possible, holding onto it with everything he had. “It’s okay, because it is you.”

_ Just like a warm palm he is going to pick you up when you lose it, Hyungwon, protecting you until you are ready to accept it back. _

_ He’s your safe haven. _

 

***

 

  
It was almost impossible to resist. The safest thing had been to stay away from naked, desperate Hyungwon. Too bad that he had been naked and desperate too, almost losing his grip and fucking the beautiful black-haired man in the shower.    
  
_ Almost.  _ __  
__  
The bitter feeling of almost losing his shit remained as he had grabbed his phone and seen the four missed calls from Changkyun, remembering that he had agreed on meeting the other in the evening. Him calling back hadn’t been special, just like his ex boyfriend hanging up on him, but Hyungwon had gotten angry, telling him to leave earlier and accusing him of having a compensatory relationship to Changkyun.    
  
_ You’d fuck him if it was compensatory.  _ __  
__  
“I don’t want you to leave, but if you intend on seeing him I am afraid that I will break something, which might or might not include you.” The black-haired man seemed so different, words almost spilled out of his mouth dipped in liquid hostility.    
  
_ Did he just say he’ll break you?  _ __  
__  
“You can’t break me,” Hoseok whispered and wanted to punch a wall out of bitterness, anger and the unfamiliar resentment that hit him through Hyungwon’s words, but decided against it and pulled a book out of the shelf next to him, letting it fall on the ground loudly, staring at the other man in the process.    
  
_ You’re the only one who can break stuff. _ __  
__  
It was a meltdown.   
  
Hyungwon screamed and sank to the floor, pulling a cupboard down, books hitting his naked back before Hoseok could run over and stop the piece of furniture from crashing over the thin body.    
  
_ Ouch. _ __  
__  
He pushed the cupboard back into its place and remembered to reduce sensory input, hugging the other man tightly, crossing his arms and legs around him and not leaving any space for movement.    
  
_ Please let him come back, shit. _ __  
__  
He pressed as hard as he could, ignoring the pain in his shoulder from the corner of the cupboard that hit him and concentrated on the breathing pattern instead, hoping it would normalize soon.    
  
_ Maybe you will have to call the ambulance or something, fuck. _ __  
__  
His thought was interrupted by Hyungwon calling his name. Hoseok asked if everything was fine immediately, not loosening the grip. The shoulders were bruised from the books that had fallen over the fragile man, leaving vibrant red marks on the golden skin. 

_ He told you he would hurt you but he hurt himself instead.  _ __  
__  
“I break whatever is next to me. If it had been you, I would have hurt you. I can’t control it.”   
  
_ He is still scared, you need to show him that you’re not. _ __  
__  
He removed his arms and crawled to the front, placing his head on the other man’s lap and staring up, hands lying flat on his thighs.    
  
“Look, you can basically kill me like this. I trust you, it’s fine. If you can’t control it, I’ll take care of you,” Hoseok whispered and looked up, realizing that they had much more in common than he had thought. Something in the beautiful face changed and he couldn’t quite say what it was. The eyes were big and the lips plump as they always were. A shaky exhale left the prettily curved mouth and a tear rolled down, landing on his forehead and then his lips. He licked over them shortly and lifted a hand, wiping the beautifully golden skin, feeling like jumping off a building without a rope.   
  
“I think I love you, Hoseok.” It was barely a whisper, but the impact was immense. Hoseok had trouble breathing and tried to formulate furiously, nothing acceptable coming into his mind, before he just smiled, trying to show everything he thought through one facial expression and murmuring something about Hyungwon being his moon. 

  
“Don’t leave, even if I break your order, please. I won’t remove your control, I’ll just take it for a short time, take care of it and give it back to you.” The thought finally materialized into speech and left his lips, still curled in a smile. He really wanted for Hyungwon to trust him. He also wanted himself to be a person who was able to take care of something as special and to show it through action.   
  
_ Just try it. Try it as hard as you can.  _ __  
  
_   
  
  
The lights were dimmed, creating an intimate atmosphere, booths for private talks and a long bar made out of black wood. He walked over, almost missing the person he’d intended to meet and recognizing him only because of the tattooed neck.    
  
_ What’s with the outfit? _ __  
__  
Changkyun was wearing a black turtleneck almost covering all the beautiful pieces Hoseok had adorned his body with over the time they had dated. Skinny black jeans and black budapest boots were accompanying the back to black look, fitting so well with the raven like hair, only earrings shimmering in the dimmed lights.    
  
“Don’t want to show off my tattoos anymore?” he asked and placed both hands over the other man’s shoulders, jerking a little at the sharp gaze meeting his in a matter of seconds.   
  
_ His reflexes are no joke, holy fuck. _ __  
__  
“Sit down and get something to drink,” Changkyun answered, gaze still in place and pointing at a chair next to him. Hoseok sat down, ordering a gin-tonic and turning a little to face the other man.   
  
“I wanted to tell you that I’m fine. I got over you leaving back then, sorry for overreacting last time.” He smiled and took a sip of his drink that the bar keeper had placed next to him a second ago. The other twirled the liquid in his glass and nodded slowly.    
  
“So did you have sex yet? Doesn’t seem like he would let you that easily, although you are indeed special.” An intense gaze met his eyes and he suppressed the jerk at the uncomfortable feeling.    
  
“No I didn’t. Why are you so interested, how does it concern you?” Hoseok tried to break the eye contact and stared at his drink instead.   
  
“It’s simple, if he doesn’t let you, then I have something he doesn’t.” The other man smiled to himself and took a sip out of his glass.    
  
_ What is it, a competition? _ __  
__  
“Why would you compete concerning something like that? What the fuck, Changkyun, can’t we just have a normal conversation?” He felt anger heating up in his veins, reaching the boiling point steadily. The black-haired devil-like human turned around completely, leaning into his personal space and licking his lips, pierced tongue sliding over them slowly.    
  
“Because I know exactly how much you need it, Hoseok. You can’t live without sex. You are a hot, dominant and impulsive bastard with a hell of a sexdrive. You think I don’t know you? I bet you think about the way you would feel inside me right now, while you are sitting on this fucking chair, cursing your pants because they’re too tight.” The way Changkyun spoke sent shivers down his spine, whispers followed by low hisses and a slightly aggressive undertone.   
  
_ Oh no.  _ __  
__  
Changkyun might have been a manipulative and tornado-like asshole, but he somehow had a point. It was hard, it really was.   
  
“But I have a boyfriend and I love him and if he doesn’t want to have sex I have to live with it. Not that I’m not getting off or anything.” And there he was, defending himself, although he should’ve just told the other man to shut the fuck up.    
  
The other came even closer, black bangs almost touching his nose as Changkyun exhaled against his lips.    
  
“You’re delusional.” A small hand slid up his thigh and he jerked a little. “And you’re a fucking liar. Look at yourself, you react to my hand. A hand, Hoseok. You must be desperate as fuck.”   
  
He peeled the fingers off his leg and placed them back on the other man’s lap.    
  
“Want to rile me up? Stop it or I’ll just leave. I’m not here to talk about this.” He leaned back and grabbed his drink, trying to calm down his racing heartbeat.    
  
“Hmm, I guess Won misses it too. He’s quite handsome, not really my ideal type but I might have fun, what do you think?” The straw moved from one corner of the other man’s nasty grin to the other.    
  
_ Asshole. _ __  
__  
“If you touch him, I will personally strangle you with my bare hands. He hates you, he’d never let you. But why the fuck aren’t you able to behave like a normal person, Kkung? Why are you like this? Stop confusing the shit out of me and behave like a human.” Hoseok massaged his temples, remembering Hyungwon being extremely angry at the mention of the meeting.    
  
_ He was kind of right, wasn’t he? _ __  
__  
“Damn, Hoseok, just leave this dumb idea of dating another top and come back to me. I’m here now and I’m working at your tattoo studio and you were naked after five minutes last time although you bullshitted about wanting me to leave and everything. You don’t love me? I’m fine with that. I’ll have enough time to make you.” Changkyun pressed the short index finger into his chest painfully while staring at him intently.    
  
“I like you, I really do but your words make it really hard to keep it this way. Just stop, let’s be friends, okay?” Hoseok curled his hand around the finger and held it for a second, waiting for the other man’s reaction.    
  
“I hate you.” Changkyun ripped the finger out of his grip, stood up, throwing money on the bar counter and left taking his coat.    
  
_ He probably doesn’t. And that’s the problem. _ __  
__  
Hoseok really had luck with people around him, getting hit by a cupboard, getting riled up in a bar and getting hated on for trying to have a normal friendship. He missed Hyunwoo.    
  
After emptying his drink he left the bar, walking home and dialing his best friend’s number.    
  
“Why is everything so complicated? I didn’t do anything, I swear, but stuff is just falling on me, literally,” Hoseok started, whining into the phone as soon as he heard Shownu’s voice.    
  
“Could you please remember your life half a year ago? Everything was fine, you were tattooing, making money, having sex and being happy. It all went down the drain as soon as that CEO came. I’m sorry for persuading you to work there, I really am, I’m dumb.”    
  
_ Bullshit. _ __  
__  
“It’s bullshit, Hyunwoo. You only persuaded me to go there because I was unhappy. I am happy now, I swear, it’s just so complicated that my head hurts and I might also need anti-viagra if that’s a thing?” He chuckled at his own verbal diarrhoea.    
  
“Does he make you happy? Hands down, tell me the truth, are you happy in all this?” Silence filled the line before Hoseok cleared his throat and swallowed once.

_ Does he? Are you really happy? _   
  
“He does, I’m just not sure whether I’m the right person for him. I’m literally breaking everything he likes including his own sense of control. The only reason I’m kinda suffering is because he makes my sexdrive shoot through the roof and that I’m still not sure whether he’s fully aware of my personality. But he is amazing, Hyunwoo, he really is. You have to talk to him properly once, you can’t just judge him only because he called you my bodyguard.” He finished his monologue and sucked in air forcefully.    
  
“Yeah, let’s see how it goes. I’m not very convinced to be honest but let’s go out for coffee together or something. Don’t you think he’s a little too handsome for a man? I mean- he makes me a little uncomfortable.”    
  
Hoseok cracked up, realizing the impact Hyungwon’s slim body form and the soft handsome features might have had on his best friend, despite being heterosexual.    
  
“He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my life, so it’s absolutely fine if you go gay. I approve.” A chuckle left his lips.    
  
“I’m- I’m not gay, I just said that it’s strange.” The stuttering was incredibly cute and Hoseok wished to just be able to hug the other man tightly and to tell him that he genuinely loved having him as a friend.    
  
_ You’re lucky, Hoseok.  _ __  
__  
_

 

Changkyun had spent the first half of the day providing death stares and showing pure hostility towards him. The thing with being friends didn't seem to be on the other man's wishlist. He had left after finishing tattooing his last client and hugged Shownu deliberately not looking at Hoseok and leaving without saying goodbye.

_ He’ll get over it eventually.  _

There was only him and his best friend left, discussing the next weeks and talking about drafts they had made, while drinking coffee and sitting on the black leather couch in the lobby. Hoseok loved spending time with Hyunwoo and felt a little sorry for concentrating on Hyungwon all the time although his best friend owned at least one half of his heart. 

Bright laughter sounded on the other side of the entrance door, catching his attention as someone stood in front of it for a few seconds before pushing it open. Raven-black hair took up his vision first, a slim man entering the studio. Rather delicate fingers curled around another person's upper arm, pulling them inside with effort. A smile remained on the smoothly curved lips, as the young man adjusted his leather jacket on his pearl white button-down, fitting to his teeth and pulled Hyungwon inside, who looked a little confused, a rather common expression on his face. An unfamiliar arm was placed around his boyfriend's shoulders, pulling him down due to the size difference.

“Okay, peace everyone, I'm interested in a tattoo and hope vitamin B will help me out to get an appointment,” the shorter but equally pretty man remarked and looked around before his eyes glanced at Hoseok and Hyunwoo shortly. A mischievous grin was thrown at Hyungwon, who chewed on his cheek.   
  
_ Wait, isn’t that Min? Why is he with Hyungwon? _ __  
__  
“Min? What are you doing here?” Hoseok opened his mouth but forgot to close it, still not over the fact that his boyfriend and his previous hook up walked into his tattoo studio, arms linked. 

Min turned around again at the voice, eyes widening and mouth opening in surprise. 

“Holy shit, big dick tattoo Hoseok. Maybe I don't even need vitamin B.” A grin re-appeared with the fading surprise and the cheerful man pulled Hyungwon a little further towards himself.    
  
_ It’s him and he remembers. _

“You know each other?” was the rather simple and calm comment. Hyungwon seemed a little different, more distant and disinterested.   
  
_ If knowing consists of knowing how being inside the other person’s ass feels like, yes.  _ __  
__  
“Yes, kinda.” Hoseok couldn’t believe his fate. “How do you two know each other?” Min just laughed loudly at his answer but didn't elaborate, only catching Hyungwon by surprise who jerked at the loud noise, however he didn't seem to mind the body contact. The dark brown orbs focused on Hoseok’s face and a palm moved through the black hair. 

“Well, this is Minhyuk.”  
  
_Wait what?_ __  
__  
_Well, his name is Minhyuk, you idiot._ __  
__  
_But it’s his friends with benefits guy._ __  
__  
“Oh.” He just stared, not comprehending the whole situation and looking at Hyunwoo who also stared with his mouth open.   
  
_How the fuck is it possible to meet a person you both fucked while not having fucked each other yet?_ __  
__  
“This is a mess, oh god,” Hoseok exhaled and stood up, walking over to the coffee machine and pressing the double espresso button. He could hear how Hyungwon called after him but didn't follow. 

“Is it problematic that I brought him for a tattoo?” his boyfriend asked, not comprehending the issue at hand as usual. A chuckle and denial sounded right after, before Minhyuk appeared next to Hoseok, pretty hand on his shoulder. 

“Mind making another one for me, hun?”   
  
_ That tease. _ __  
__  
Hoseok was glad that Changkyun had left because he was most definitely not in the mental condition to deal with three hot, gay males, two of which he had fucked. Holy fucking shit.   
  
“Sure, tell me what you want and I’ll tattoo it.” He didn’t want to discuss anything and also not explain, so he just complied. Minhyuk laughed. 

“I meant a coffee, but amazing. Hyungwon kept saying the studio is always booked five months in advance because of his boyfriend. Now I feel all special.”    
  
_ He wanted a coffee. Turn your head on, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“Would be funny if Changkyun was here,” Hyunwoo commented and grinned while walking over to Hoseok and placing a cup under the machine for Minhyuk.    
  
“No it wouldn’t,” Hoseok hissed and grabbed his own cup, walking over to the couch and sitting down. Hyungwon parked himself next to him as soon as his body grazed the couch, hugging him unexpectedly. It was enough to make Minhyuk almost drop the filled cup he had grabbed. 

“Wait, Hoseok is your boyfriend? No fucking way.” The shock on the pretty face was clear as day, eyes wide and delicate hands clenching around the cup in his hands. “Hyungwon, he's the definition of dom. Dom dom, like- like rip you to shreds and you love it dom.”

Hyungwon lifted his head from Hoseok’s neck, staring towards Minhyuk, visibly in thought. 

“Something doesn't add up,” he murmured. “Did you guys have sex?”

Hoseok massaged his temples shortly as Minhyuk just grinned, answering in his stead.

“Well, we met at the bar about six months ago and Hoseok was impossibly infatuated with his Gin tonic until I decided to switch that attention to me and he fucked me in the bathroom, on his kitchen table and on his desk. That's basically the whole story. A one night stand, Hyungwon. Any questions?” Hoseok’s ex hook-up elaborated in detail as the smile remained on his face.

“No, thank you,” Hyungwon replied calmly and curled his arms back around his neck. Something was off about the reaction and the fact that Hyungwon had simply attached himself without any further response. It resembled the way that he acted when he was a little out of it, empty and neutral. 

_ Can't you just run away? _

Hoseok had no attention or resources to deal with his crazy one night stand and his emotionless boyfriend, so he did what he had always done. 

“Hyunwoo. Save me.“ He looked over to the other man, but his best friend just kept staring at Minhyuk. 

“Didn't you have creative writing with me in high school? You seem really familiar, although it's really long ago. There was also the Halloween party.” The other man looked at Minhyuk intently. It was really strange.

“Oh my god. Son Hyunwoo? Batman? ‘I never skip leg day’ instagram? You were in the swimming team and I never skipped a match. You also stayed over at my place once but I'm not sure if you remember,” the person in question replied, stepping closer to Hyunwoo and appearing mesmerized by the new information. “I can't believe we all know each other!”

“I know absolutely nothing at this point,” Hyungwon remarked and Hoseok could feel how the long fingers left his neck and sunk into his arm, face burying in Hoseok’s lap. 

It was too much information even for him. 

“You were catwoman, weren't you? I kinda thought you were a girl back then.” Something absolutely irrational and ridiculous happened as his best friend blushed.

Enough was enough. 

“Okay what the fuck is going on? Didn't you come to get a tattoo? I can also give you an appointment tomorrow or Thursday,” he said and raked a hand through his beautiful boyfriend’s black hair. Minhyuk’s lips pulled into a very thin line after nodding at Hyunwoo with the fucking sun shining from his face. 

“I would like something floral. On thursdays I meet Hyungwon, so tomorrow would be better unless I can take him. He'll be weird if I cancel,” he replied and threw a glance at Hyungwon who was firmly attached to Hoseok’s thighs. “I still can't believe that he's dating you. He's the most controlled individual I've ever seen during my sexual career and you're a fucking dom.”

“Floral? The flower boy will help you out, he's better than me. Hyunwoo you do it.” He tried hard not to snap at the last comment but couldn't bring himself to shut up. “I'm a fucking dom so stop talking about it unless you want to see it in action.” He tried to calm his racing heartbeat by staring at Minhyuk intensely.

“Uh-huh,” Minhyuk hummed, eyes dark and licking over his lips shortly before he turned to Hyunwoo and slid his arms around his thick neck. “So you'll ink a flower on my body? Would you make it bloom too? I think that'd be prettier.”

Hoseok almost choked on his saliva at seeing a man hanging on his best friend's neck. Hyunwoo was a little awkward which wasn't unusual and tried to get his calender from the table, searching for an appointment and not peeling Minhyuk’s hands away. 

_ Why not though? _

Hoseok raked through the beautiful black hair again after Minhyuk and Hyunwoo went to the back to talk about drafts.

“Are you okay, Hyungwon?” he whispered, letting the strands slip through his fingers like silk.

“Is everyone else gone?” the low voice whispered into his thigh, not moving and still hiding his face. “My head hurts horribly and everything is blurred except for your voice. Why did you have sex with Minhyuk? I hate him a little although I'm not sure why.” The head turned a little bit and one eye opened, brown orb focusing on Hoseok’s face. The other man looked upset. 

_ He's probably self-conscious now.  _

“Do you need something to drink?” Hoseok smiled a little, before continuing his soft strokes. “Why I had sex with him? Because he is attractive?” 

“No, I don’t need water. I just need to attach myself to you and not let go.” The hands on his arm began creating their rhythm, familiar and regular. “He is attractive, he really is. Still, I feel like I have to curl my body around you and give you more so you want me.” The other man sighed, interrupting the pressure at his index finger, strange and disruptive before he continued again. “I'm sorry that I can't satisfy you like everyone else. I'm scared. What if it won't be enough even if I let you? What if it won’t be comparable and then I'll already be stuck to you, unable to refocus?”

_ Why is he so concerned? As if it’s something that determines the whole outcome of the relationship.  _

“Why are you so worried about this, do I make you feel like you're not enough?” he tried asking carefully. Hyungwon shook his head quickly, still looking up at him and drawing with his fingers.

“No, it's just that everyone is able to satisfy you and give you what you need except for me. I know Minhyuk’s voice when he is self-satisfied and that’s what I have heard just now. Changkyun and him are able to give you what you need. I just break cupboards apparently.” The bitter expression was strange on Hyungwon's face, uncommon and distorting his features, eyebrows pulled down. “I just feel how I'm sinking deeper into this and if you decide to leave there won't be anything left to hold onto, you have cut all my strings and I’m merely lying in your palms, Hoseok.” Large brown eyes got darker and the beautiful man took a deep breath, lifting himself from the his lap and establishing eye contact. 

“If you fuck me you'll have to take responsibility for the remains of my inhibition and mental state, because you will be the only thing that keeps me from breaking.”

_ He thinks you'll just fuck him over and fuck off. _

“If I would search for the kind of satisfaction you’re talking about, I would’ve fucked Changkyun already, on Sunday for example. It would’ve been easy, really.” Hoseok’s face became serious, features hardening and muscles flexing from the tension. The eye contact remained as Hyungwon let his fingers tighten around the muscular arm instead of drawing with them, grip almost painful and fitting the short twitch of his upper body. It looked like a spark of anger but it was difficult to tell with the way the other man held himself.

“Did he attempt to get close to you?” he asked quietly, voice low and infused with distaste, but it obviously wasn’t directed at Hoseok. A heavy breath followed during which Hyungwon still didn't look away. It was impressive how the other man hadn’t gotten uncomfortable yet.    
  
“Of course he did, Hyungwon, but I didn’t do anything. If I was after the satisfaction Changkyun was willing to give me, I would’ve done it, but I’m not. I’m after you, do you understand? I want you,” Hoseok whispered, low voice indicating his half aroused state.

“I also want you,” Hyungwon murmured and finally broke the eye contact, glancing to the side, most likely affected by the way Hoseok spoke to him. “And no one else.” The long fingers finally stopped grabbing his skin, almost painfully, and stroked along his shoulder and upper arm instead before they landed on his thigh. “I’m sorry for constantly doubting you. It’s just so difficult to understand with all these people around that show me what you actually prefer. I’m nowhere close to that.”    
  
“I had you basically over my dick, Hyungwon. I just needed to let go a little. And I actually prefer torturing myself by being really close to actually losing my shit instead of going and getting it somewhere else, because I want you. You.” 

“But-” Hyungwon bit his lip and it looked a little painful before he continued speaking, hand remaining motionless on the muscular thigh. “But what if I’ll never be able to go through with it, Hoseok? I’m not saying it’ll be the case, but I’m just trying to understand. Will you be able to deal with that? To remain on the edge? Forever?”   
  
“I might just fuck you,” he whispered more to himself, before realizing what he had said and biting down on his lip. “I mean we do have a deal so...”

“So you are expecting me to act on the deal at some point?” Hyungwon asked, a little more calm although there was an unusual amount of color in his face, cheeks a little pinker than Hoseok remembered seeing unless the beautiful man was aroused. “And if not you intend on acting yourself?”    
  
“I shouldn’t.” He breathed in and out slowly, shifting his hips a little. “But I’m an impulsive, dominant bastard as Changkyun said, he’s right. I might have to stay away from your naked body. Or keep my pants on, that could be a solution. I already tested it out. That is before you just undressed me, like a crazy person without self preservation instincts.” Hoseok looked to the side, a little uncomfortable admitting that Changkyun had been right. He felt a warm palm on his cheek, stroking along it to return his gaze to Hyungwon’s face who had slipped a little closer, mustering his face intently.

“Hoseok, I really don’t think that you would have to do this to yourself forever. I know myself enough to be aware of my inability to say no to such pleasures. I have never been and I won’t be able to in the future. I might dislike it but it’s the truth, just like the words that leave my mouth whenever I lose myself.” The plump lips pressed against his before parting, hot breath still caressing his face. “But you are willing to do so much to make me feel at ease and that means so fucking much to me, Hoseok. You can’t even imagine. You are willing to adapt to my issues and no one ever bothers. I- I’m really thankful and I hope you can give me some time for this. I’ll try, I swear.”   
  
_ Why does it sound as if he wants to do it because you want to? _

“You don’t have to try anything. I’ll make you want me so much that you won’t be able to do anything but beg for it. A lot,” Hoseok whispered at him, lips curling into a smirk. The change in the facial expression was immediate as Hyungwon put a little more distance between their faces, enabling him to establish eye contact, pupils changing visibly and lips parting at his words.

“Please do,” he whispered back, nails scratching over the inside of Hoseok’s thigh. “Because I want you to.” Hoseok nodded slowly and licked over his lips. Hyungwon gasped suddenly and let go of his thigh, turning to the side.

“Why do you always break my composure in public? You don’t even have to try hard. My body is acting up on me.” He huffed and rubbed over his thighs with his palms a few times as if he did it to distract himself from his own emotions. It was rather amusing. After he had done that for a while and stared at the ceiling he finally turned back to Hoseok. “I drew you again. May I show you?”

“Of course.” Hoseok smiled and leaned back, spreading his legs because it was starting to get uncomfortable, considering the tightness of his pants. The other man shifted, glancing at the obvious tent in his jeans shortly before turning around quickly, lip bite obvious. The black-haired felt behind the couch for his backpack, taking out two drawings and handing them to Hoseok. 

He took the pieces of paper, observing the strokes that turned into an image. The first one was soft, light in its strokes and reminding him of the way he felt when he had drawn the feather, free. It was him in his bed, sleeping and facial features relaxed. The way the edges of the drawing were smoothed out gave it something dream-like, only complemented by the exact and realistic depiction of his face. 

His hands grasped the second artwork, placing it above the first and hissing out a breath. It was undoubtedly him, the mist and larger water drops indicated that it was in the shower. The drawing reached until his stomach and showed the way his hands dug into slim thighs, lower lip pulled into his mouth and eyes almost black. It was intense to say the least and Hyungwon shifted a little as Hoseok stared at it. 

“I had to,” he murmured and placed his hand on Hoseok’s thigh again, pressing down his pattern but not looking down.

“Holy fuck, is that- never mind, I know.” He hissed and closed his eyes shortly. “Nice, now you can also look at a picture of my desperation to fuck you. If you only knew how that felt like.” Hoseok closed his eyes again, remembering the feeling and regretting it immediately. 

“I know, because I drew it,” Hyungwon whispered, swallowing audibly and squeezing Hoseok’s thigh.   
  
_ You’re way too horny for this conversation, Hoseok. You didn’t have sex for weeks and you touched Hyungwon three days ago. It feels like a fucking year. _ _  
_

“You know? Do you also know that I’d really love to make you so fucking desperate that you basically scream at me to fuck you? I’d really love that.” Hoseok grinned before brushing over his thighs and standing up. He needed to calm the fuck down. Hyungwon remained on the couch, chewing his cheek and not replying, just glancing towards the back where Minhyuk and Hyunwoo had disappeared to a while ago.  
  
“Do you want a coffee before I lose my shit and press you into the couch although there are people here?” he asked walking over to his favourite spot and filling a cup for himself. Hyungwon hummed quickly, still remaining on the couch and staring at the ceiling.

“Where the hell are they anyway? Can’t they either return or just leave completely. This semi-state makes me uncomfortable because I cannot predict what will happen.”   
  
“Hyunwoo,” Hoseok called loudly before chuckling a litte. “Are you still straight, Hyunwoo?”    
  
“I’ll kill you, Hoseok, I swear.” The other man’s low voice was pretty fast, both men coming out of the hallway. He felt his best friend’s death stare on him for no reason. Minhyuk just laughed loudly, hanging on the other man’s arm as if that was the most normal thing to do and in no way suspicious.

“Sexuality is fluid when it comes to me,” he said with a wink at Hoseok and threw himself next to Hyungwon on the couch, putting his arms around the tall man’s waist. His boyfriend jerked at the sudden contact but relaxed again, looking a little unsure about what to do with himself despite the stern and neutral face. Hoseok must have gotten better at reading his various states of neutrality.   
  
He was horny anyway and his brain didn’t function properly, which was also the reason for walking up to Minhyuk, crouching down next to the handsome man and pressing a finger into the slim chest.    
  
“You. You don’t fuck anymore, do you? Why are you so close?” He licked his lips once and stared with the intimidating gaze in place, waiting for the handsome man to react. The eyes widened at the question and he glanced towards Hyungwon quickly before turning back to Hoseok.

“Of course not. Hyungwon would have gotten angry as fuck, considering his ‘no touching outside the relationship’ rules. We decided to remain friends because he has a tendency to throw away people even if he likes them, unaware that he actually wanted to keep them around.” Minhyuk rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry, we just drink coffee together and talk and I’m simply touchy. I won’t steal your hot top, don’t get your knickers in a twist.”   
  
_ Hot top, yeah right.  _ __  
__  
“Yeah, he’s really hot, fuck my life,” Hoseok whispered absentmindedly while sliding his gaze over Hyungwon’s body. “Either way, did you get your appointment by the straight flower boy?” He grinned after catching himself.

“Yeah and Thursday is best.” Minhyuk turned towards Hyungwon and appeared genuinely concerned, placing a palm on the tall man’s knee. “Will it be fine with you if I come here instead? I think it’ll be less boring for you than sitting here and watching me get inked.” His boyfriend frowned at him, staring somewhere above their heads and chewing on his cheek. He hummed in agreement, but he had also told his mom ‘okay’ before sitting there for ten minutes doing basically nothing and stroking Hoseok’s hair.    
  
“I’ll give my two appointments to Changkyun although he will hate me. Let’s meet up.” He looked at Hyungwon, placing his hand on the lean thigh. The other man still didn’t look at him but a smile spread over his lips as he nodded shortly.

“Shit, you’re whipped,” Minhyuk murmured and appeared impossibly shocked, turning to Hoseok and removing his hand from Hyungwon’s knee. “What have you done to him, Hoseok? Hyungwon never gives a shit. He just gives you a cherry before taking it away after you barely took a bite.”   
  
“I’m not like that, I want the whole fucking cake,” Hoseok answered and looked at his boyfriend’s face shortly. “Or it just might be my hair, who knows.” He stood up and walked over to his desk, preparing for the rest of the appointments and ignoring the three people in the lobby. 

He could hear Minhyuk’s loud voice, proposing to Hyungwon to leave quickly because of his work schedule, planned time that he usually used running out. A few seconds passed before warm arms circled his waist and plump lips kissed the back of his neck.

“I’ll get back to work too then.” Hoseok hummed in response and squeezed the big hand on his waist tightly.    
  
“See you.” 

Steps sounded, followed by the soft sound of their bell, a few more loud goodbye’s and finally the door closing.   
  
_ Why does everything feel so strange? Is it because other people are around? _ __  
__  
It might have been the fact that Hyungwon didn’t call even once after he had gone home on Sunday, the way he had talked and was self-conscious, angry, but also apologetic, silent, extremely talkative or neutral. Everything was just plain weird.   
  
_ Why didn’t you call instead? _ __  
__  
Because Hyungwon hated talking on the phone, just like unexpected things. Hoseok kept wanting to pull at the boundaries. It seemed as if he needed it to determine his worth. How much he was worth to Hyungwon, whether it was more than his hair, his fingers, whether it was more than a couple of drops falling on an elevator floor or a red book, removed from the painful order to crash onto the ground.   
  
__ Are you? Are you worth more than that?

Hoseok still couldn’t make a picture.    
  
At all. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk my sweetheart is jumping in on all the fun :D
> 
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	19. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You must be completely mental, Hyungwon.”

“You must be completely mental, Hyungwon.”

The door of the tattoo studio closed behind them and Hyungwon hadn’t even been able to calm down from the mess that were group discussions. Especially ones that involved people he had intimate relations with, such as his friend, his boyfriend and another tattoo artist he was absolutely unfamiliar with but that knew both of his friend-types. It was complex and he still hadn’t recovered completely.

_ Especially after your boyfriend talked about taking away your control again and you almost threw yourself at him, Hyungwon. _

He sighed, wondering how Hoseok continuously kept himself in check if the desire Hyungwon had recreated on his drawing described the genuine intensity of his perceptions. 

_ You can’t even keep yourself in check when you merely enter his bedroom. _

“Hyungwon, I’m talking to you,” Minhyuk huffed on his side, lips pulling into a thin line again and glaring at him. He was obviously angry and Hyungwon was still in the development of non-bodily strategies of calming him down. He established eye-contact for three seconds and hoped it was good enough. Minhyuk appeared a little shocked, stopping the regular steps and disturbing the rhythm. “Shit, this is scary.”

“Why do you think I am mental?” Hyungwon asked instead of commenting on the outburst, remembering the first question and calmly continuing his path, waiting for Minhyuk to catch up and reenter the rhythm.

“Because you fuck and Hoseok fucks too which is rather obvious if you’ve seen him and talked to him for longer than 30 seconds. Did you see those arms? They can break your leg, Hyungwon. His words alone can break you.”

“But why would he want to break my leg?” Hyungwon replied, trying to construct a situation in which that was relevant. Was it possible to be so rough with someone that a leg was broken?

“Fuck my life. No, Hyungwon, nobody wants to break your leg. My hint was that he is muscular and therefore the opposite of your rather slim self. But that’s not even the fucking point, Hyungwon. Hoseok is someone who likes to have dominance over people and considering how much you want to decide everything I just don’t see how that fits. He won’t just do what you tell him. That’s not what he’s like at all.”

_ That was Hoseok’s worry in the beginning, Hyungwon. His inability to give himself to you in the way he wants to. _

The discomfort at his loss of control with Hoseok returned the more the other man contemplated their incompatible personalities. Minhyuk just didn’t know.

_ It’s none of his business what happens to you when you are around Hoseok. _

“We’re just different around each other.”

He could feel the black-haired man’s eyes on his face but didn’t return the eye contact, ignoring it as well as he could to not have to interpret the following facial expression. It would have been difficult anyway. 

Suddenly the other man laughed. “Who knows, maybe you just need someone who tells you what to do to keep everything in check.”

Hyungwon couldn’t help but turn at the words, mustering the way Minhyuk looked at the ground, small smile remaining on his lips as he watched his feet, steps regular but he didn’t bother with the lines, not like Hyungwon did.

_ Maybe you do, losing control to let Hoseok take care of everything instead. _

They continued walking in silence, traffic noises and conversations of unknown people sticking out once in a while and grabbing his attention, thoughts not sufficiently loud to keep all the irrelevant information out.

_ Hoseok is better at reducing your perceptions. _

“I liked Hyunwoo in high school,” Minhyuk said suddenly, grin appearing instead of the confusing smile and looking mischievous again. “I watched every competition of his and basically stalked his instagram like a mental person, just filled with those straight-boy work out pics and pointless comments about really bad movies without any empowering characters.”

Hyungwon just nodded, unsure how to comment on such a sudden confession concerning someone else. Minhyuk hadn’t really talked about love interests before, at least not during the time that they had been involved and if he had Hyungwon couldn’t remember it anymore.

“Do you know anything about him, Hyungwon?” Minhyuk asked further, staring at him and biting his lip. It must have been important to him considering how the pretty man began playing with his lower lip, pulling at it before letting go.

“I just know that he is Hoseok’s friend and tattoos. I haven’t talked to him. Just thought he’s a bodyguard at first.” His information wasn’t really elaborate. He had never talked to Hoseok’s friend.

_ Shouldn’t you know his best friend if you like him, Hyungwon? Isn’t that what happens? Extending the friend circle and creating common friends? _

Frowning Hyungwon watched the way his feet fit perfectly into the squares on the ground and never crossed a line. It was nice but didn't answer his question. Had he been too focused on Hoseok and drawing and unaware of relationship conduct?

_ You only brought flowers once. _

Minhyuk chuckled, smiling brightly and stopped at a crossroad.

“He does look like a bodyguard. I see where you got that from. I hope you’ll have a great time with Hoseok on Thursday. And please wish me luck even if you don’t know what for.”

He didn’t but he still nodded, closing his arms around Minhyuk’s shoulders for a goodbye and telling himself that minimal body contact still counted into friendship relationships, but he wasn’t sure how much Hoseok touched Hyunwoo. He had never really observed it.

Entering his office he still felt unsure about the way he followed relationship conduct. Hoseok and him had spent a lot of time with each other, a significant part of it without clothes (which was absolutely fine with Hyungwon even independent of sexual actions). Friends and family were supposed to be added into the equation and Hyungwon had never asked about Hoseok's family. Maybe he also had a brother that they could eat with or a mother that invited them for dinner.

_ You know absolutely nothing, Hyungwon. Just the way he looks, the way he feels and the way he tastes. _

He wanted to know it all. Add the different layers of information to his brain to create a full picture, one that he could grasp in its entirety instead of the small details. Just like with a Kandinsky painting he wanted to put all the little fragments into one entity, turn the blurry mess of sandy color and blue into the sea.

Sitting down at his desk he glanced at the to-do list for the rest of the evening, mainly the choosing of artwork for the collaboration project remaining.

_ Hoseok drew them so you can probably learn something about him. _

He smiled, excited to finally see more of the other man’s art, the way he could infuse his emotions into drawings, putting life into inanimate objects and sceneries. It was mesmerizing and Hyungwon doubted that he could select a limited amount from the drawings provided. His fingers grabbed the envelope carefully, the one that Kyungsoo had prepared for him after putting all works in order of appearance. The excitement just kept building as Hyungwon licked over his lips and pulled the white sheets out, taking a careful look at the lines that were engraved into the thin paper.   
  
The drawings were different, also the material and the pens. Sometimes it was a branch, drawn in black ink, seeming like an ancient asian painting, trees, a couple of moons evoking absolutely different emotions although the motive was the same. There was also an animal, a wolf howling at a blue moon, so realistic Hyungwon had the uncomfortable feeling the animal could jump out of the picture at any moment. Another drawing showed the solar system, watching closely Hyungwon could see a blue moon distant from the other planets. The moon dominated the motives. Proceeding to the next drawing he spotted a beautifully drawn cyan blue moon which was circled by a whale that had caught his eye. It seemed somehow lonely and not lonely at the same time. It was mesmerizing, ambivalent, just like Hoseok.

The most beautiful drawing was an eye. It was big and round. Hyungwon had to look closer to see that the eyelashes were actually trees, the eyeball a grey moon and a waterfall was coming down the bottom lid. The words to describe the way the creation made him feel were difficult to find, art taking over the meaning and filling it out in his chest, everything else wasn’t necessary anymore.

He let his index finger move along the waterfall, perception a little overwhelming but still secretive with the way the eye was surrounded by a forest, enclosing the moon from both sides.

_ You’re the moon for him, Hyungwon. He keeps drawing you. _

_ Just like you keep drawing him. _

He felt emotional, throat closing up a little and hand tightening on the paper before he let it fall to his table, too worried about damaging the artwork. He wasn’t capable of rejecting any of them, but he also wished to be the only one to see them, emotions intimate and overwhelming.

_ You wanted him to draw emotions for you and he did, Hyungwon, now you have to share them with the world. That was the deal. _

Hyungwon took a deep breath and pulled out his phone, scrolling through his contact list and pressing the call button, eyes closing and holding the device to his ear, heartbeat picking up as it always did.

“Mhm.” Hoseok’s low but soft voice hit his eardrum.

A hiss left him before he convinced himself to talk, unable to figure out the other man’s expression. The voice alone was sufficient to let goosebumps spread over his skin.

“I- I just looked through the drawings for the collaboration project and-” Hyungwon bit down on his lip to keep his voice in check instead of the emotional rollercoaster it kept moving along. “I really love it. I’m rather overwhelmed even. Are- are you sure I can hand it in like this? Are you fine with sharing this? I somehow desire to keep it to myself, the intimacy overwhelms me and I don’t know how to deal with all of these emotions except for wishing to sink my hands into your hair and press my face against your chest. I-” He breathed out slowly, pausing his own words and waiting for a reply. Conversations were meant to be held between several people after all.

_ This is how you make him feel, Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
“Did you like it? What’s your favourite?” Hoseok asked calmly again, voice sounding so intimate through the speaker, so fond and tender somehow. He could have been whispering into Hyungwon’s ear and if he closed his eyes he couldn’t have been able to tell the difference. So he did, leaning back into his chair and holding the phone close.

“I loved it, Hoseok. I wish I could make all of it part of me, but I am forced to give them to the project. I loved the eye. It’s...intense.” He swallowed audibly.   
  
“Ah. I drew it after I had the semi mental breakdown on the roof remember? I kind of yearned for you and tried to remember what you had felt like to calm myself down. It’s very-” Hoseok paused shortly and it felt like he breathed into Hyungwon’s soul as he exhaled. “It’s very genuine, I guess.”

“I-I feel it. Do you wish to see more of me, Hoseok? Do you yearn to get behind the veil?” he whispered, darkness only fuelled further by the low voice and the way each breath echoed in his head. There was silence on the other end before Hoseok hissed.    
  
“Do you see me?” 

“I am still adding strokes to the picture, desiring to complete it, but right now I feel like I have seen more than ever before, Hoseok. I want to see it all,” Hyungwon said softly, drowning in the silence that surrounded him unless Hoseok spoke, only the other man’s voice crossing through his consciousness.   
  
“I mean, do you see me behind the sea-like hair and the way my face changes when I do something, do you want to see it? Isn’t it like the eye contact? Most of the time you are looking at my eyebrows, or mouth, but the only way to see what’s happening are the eyes, aren’t they? It’s uncomfortable because it’s raw, but you can see all of it. If I look into your eyes I see the moon. I love it but I still can’t grasp it, can I?” Hyungwon heard the sound of Hoseok licking over his lips. 

A cold sensation filled his fingertips, perceptions of his surroundings and his own body returning to gift him the awareness of fear, still crawling and unable to touch him, but waiting for his mind to succumb. Hoseok’s breaths filled his head, regular and familiar. The feeling that the other man’s words evoked was similar to the drawing, bringing back the same intensity Hyungwon had felt when he had looked at the lines.

_ You need him to feel at ease, to be yourself. _

“I feel you, Hoseok, independent of the way you look or how much your hair reminds me of the sea. Your features are simply my way of expressing the emotions outside of my own body. Just like I am your moon, you are the sea to me. You create the storm, throwing the water out of its balance, pushing me out of my path just like a ship, but you also give me calm, the possibility to feel at ease and free. I love you, Hoseok and the one who is stopping you from grasping the moon isn’t me.”

“Do you trust me?” The low voice echoed from the speaker, sending shivers down Hyungwon’s spine, wish to be next to the other man increasing in intensity.

“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate. The trust had been there since he offered the man to let go for him, to show him his fear and his weakness. 

“How can you trust the sea if its unpredictable?”

Hyungwon breathed in, concentrating on the sound of the other man’s soft exhales, low voice remaining in his head like a permanently embedded memory.

“Because no matter what happens or how turbulent the storm is, even if it’s a fucking tsunami, it’ll calm me down and put me at ease. That’s why. You said you never take my control, just take over before returning it into my hands safely. I trust you with that, Hoseok.” The low voice on the other end hummed in agreement. 

“How can you trust me to take your control but not trust yourself when losing it? How is that supposed to work? You like logic, don't you?” Hoseok sounded very calm, as if coming closer to him, breath tickling his ear.

_ Because you have seen what can happen. _

“Because I have experienced it, Hoseok. I have seen what I can do when I lose control. I have hurt people I love before, destroyed my surroundings, all while being unaware. I- I can be really scary when I am like that. It usually scared people, just not you. It scares myself. You haven’t seen what I can do, it was all mild, Hoseok, I haven’t ripped anything to pieces, or hurt you physically. I-” Hyungwon tensed, memories unpleasant and fingers shivering at the thoughts, hand with the phone losing some of its grip. He stopped talking to calm himself, inhales and exhales quicker than they had been, hightening his senses, every little sound on the other end louder than it had been.

“Calm down, Hyungwon. I caught your cupboard with my shoulder, it's fine, I can take quite some pain. What I don't understand is, why you are so scared of yourself. I'm not scared of you at all. I love you, you don't scare me.” The way Hoseok talked was so tender again. Hyungwon bit his lip to calm his breathing as the low voice told him to, the same one that stayed during each of his meltdowns, pulling him closer and getting him back out.

_ Why would he hurt himself like that? _

“Hoseok, but why would you hurt yourself like that? Don’t you see that I hurt you that way? I’m scared of doing exactly that, causing a situation that results in you hurting yourself. This wouldn’t happen with someone else. They would be calm and aware of themselves and understand the world instead of my attempts at making sense of everything.” He swallowed again, emotions filling his voice without his permission.

_ Stop sounding so bitter, Hyungwon. You’re used to it. It’s fine. It always was. _

“It was me. I'm the one who causes your meltdowns, Hyungwon, wanting to see how you function, the borders, the full moon. Don't you see that I hurt you first? I know that I do so I'm fine if I get hurt too. It's only fair isn't it? I'm like you, I also can't make sense of you. The picture is just blurry and I hope to see more but it just keeps being blurred. I just love you so much I want to breathe you.” Hoseok got quiet towards the end, last words barely a whisper. 

_ He does it on purpose, Hyungwon, bringing out your inability to deal with your surroundings. To understand. _

“B- but why would you want to see what’s dysfunctional, Hoseok? Why would you want to see the dark side of the moon if you can see the one covered by the sun so clearly? Wouldn’t it be simpler to just wait until the sun moves and reveals it, adapting to the changes slowly and thereby showing you everything without cracks?” Hyungwon asked, emotions returning and blocking his throat, drowning in Hoseok’s voice to keep himself afloat.

“Because it's not accurate. It's not the truth and it's not the full picture. Imagine Kandinsky’s circles without the big one. Still a picture but it sucks, it's incomplete and the message is gone, why would I want incomplete art? Want to keep the moon cycle like it is? On your arm?” The words were emotionally loaded and the low voice almost cracked. Hyungwon shook his head, hair brushing against the phone in his hand, exhaling to release some of the pressure in his chest, but it remained. He needed to see the other man, words increasing the wish more and more.

“No, I want you to see it all and complete it,” he whispered.

“Then come here.” It was barely a whisper again. Hyungwon’s hands tightened around the phone as he breathed out slowly, hearing the way the other man’s hot breath must have been brushing the microphone on the other end.

“Wait for me,” he murmured before hanging up.

He opened his eyes, surroundings returning and crashing back, his chair, the way he sat in front of his desk, light barely enough to recognize the eye, forest, moon and a waterfall combined into one.

_ Go, Hyungwon. _

He didn’t know what time it was but he didn’t look at the clock on the wall, eyes searching for the black backpack on the side of his desk and hands grabbing it, pulling his leather jacket over his shoulders and leaving the office, stepping through the dark corridors until the exit.

He didn’t want to know the time so he walked. It would take longer but it would keep him in his pleasant bliss of not knowing, neither the time nor what he should have been doing at this point. His to-do list had been finished and his mind was empty, a blank canvas, Hoseok could fill it if he wished.

It felt strange to walk through the full streets of London, active independent of the time and therefore never revealing anything, just rushing past him like his thoughts, only caressing his consciousness before leaving again, none staying for longer than a few moments.

Arriving in front of the familiar door, bell in his direct sight Hyungwon paused, hesitation filling him when it came to the act of ringing. He didn’t know what time it was and what time he was supposed to be arriving, just that it should be soon. He bit his lip and pressed it, noise loud, slightly painful even, but it would be okay as soon as Hoseok stepped out, pulled him into the safe arms where the time and noise didn’t matter.

The door opened and Hoseok pulled him towards himself, just like Hyungwon had desired, curling the arms around him and pressing him closer. The relief was instant, tensed shoulders relaxing and long fingers grasping onto the warm shirt, fabric pleasant under his fingertips and sending his senses on overdrive. Just as he had desired, time and other constructs stopped being relevant. He was in Hoseok’s arms and that’s where he had the ability to let go, to abandon control and be himself.

_ Be free. _

A hand raked through his hair, stroking it lightly, hot breath tickling his ear. 

“I love you, I really do. I want you, just the way you are. You're perfect,” the low voice whispered into his ear. Hyungwon nodded against the warm neck, not trusting his voice enough to speak, hands pulling at the fabric a little to show that he was listening and just as affected if not more, heart thumping up to his fingertips. He loved him too and being called perfect was overwhelming, no one had ever told him that. It didn’t fit with his own perceptions of himself but he couldn’t help the warmth in his chest at the words, a gasp leaving his lips.

Hoseok leaned back a little, observing his face while letting the index finger slide over his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose and down to his lips, tracing the curve and smiling.

“Do you still think that I'm your safe haven?” The expression on the pale, beautiful face was so genuine and tender, just like the low words had been over the phone. 

Hyungwon nodded, establishing eye contact and still not trusting himself to speak. He had abandoned all information around himself, everything he could have held onto to keep himself afloat but still he felt at ease, calm in Hoseok’s arms. Only the hammering of his heart reminded him of the intensity of their interactions and how much they differed from what Hyungwon felt comfortable with.    
  
“And you’re my moon controlling the sea. Actually I was asking myself whether you would be able to calm me down a little. You know, I am very much impulsive and storm-like. Changkyun told me I’m crazy for rejecting sex and it would’ve never happened before. Maybe it’s because of you,” Hoseok seemed in thought while speaking. 

Hyungwon smiled against the firm chest, breathing in the familiar scent and stroked over the spot where his hands were pressed against the other man's body. 

“But do you want me to calm you down, Hoseok? Or do you feel restricted with the way I attach myself and strain your patience?” he whispered, arms around him feeling so safe and warm. He couldn't have moved if he had wanted to and it was okay, as long as he knew that it was Hoseok.    
  
“I don’t know. I have never felt disturbed by my impulsivity, but it might have advantages I guess. If I never risk changing I’d never know, right? I am also not really sure if you are able to restrict me. If you put me inside a box I’d box out immediately. It would be really interesting to know how you perceive my character and whether it fits with my impression and experience.” The other man leaned back a little to get a glimpse of Hyungwon’s face. 

Swallowing slowly and glancing up he mustered the expression of the other man, eyes gliding over the soft facial features and the beautiful pale skin before he fixated on the eyes, dark and deep, letting goosebumps spread along his arms and neck. 

_ He wants you to see him beyond what is visible, Hyungwon.  _

“I have never risked anything, I'm not someone like that at all, but maybe we simply complete each other. You experience what I can't and share it with me whereas I show you my weaknesses and how I perceive the world. If you wish.” Hyungwon smiled as he kept up the eye contact. It was unpleasant but he was willing to take it if it meant a lot to the other man. “You are not chaos to me just like I am chaos to you. I cannot perceive it with you because I willingly abandon my control around you, my grip on the world. You have always brought me back so you can't be chaos. Chaos never returns to the same state.”   
  
“I don’t think this is right.” Hoseok shook his head slowly before continuing. “I am the one who brings you out of control, so I am chaos. I am just able to bring you back somehow, but if I wasn’t there, your loss of control wouldn’t be there either, Hyungwon.” 

_ Make him understand, explain it.  _

“But it was there before you, just that I haven't changed anything major in my life until your appearance. It was there when Jin moved out, when he got married, when I moved out, when I changed my profession. It happens everytime when something new occurs and this time it is you.” Hyungwon breathed in slowly, smile remaining on his lips to reassure the other man. “However, none of the events brought me back eventually, I had to do it myself, but I don't with you, Hoseok. I even give you my weakness willingly, in the full belief that you'll take care of me. You're not chaos because chaos never fixes anything after breaking it. It just remains in broken shards.”    
  
“I disagree, chaos is able to show you something new by rearranging the previous order and destroying it. But it’s fine, I still think I’m chaos. Let me show you what chaos feels like,” the low voice whispered. The gasp that left his plump lips was immediate, seeing the way the other man's gaze switched, dark and intense.

_ Show him how it all returns to order afterwards.  _

“Do it.”   
  
Hoseok’s face disappeared from his sight so fast that he wasn’t able to follow, strong hands grabbing his thighs and lifting his body into the air, throwing him upwards a little just to place him over Hoseok’s hips again, hot lips clashing against his. Hyungwon bit down in surprise instead of yelping and pushed his nails into the muscular shoulders, scratching along the skin impatiently and tightening his legs in the process. He abandoned his desire for knowing his surroundings and kissed back with the same intensity he received, nibbling on Hoseok’s mouth, followed by his neck, eyes remaining shut. The burning that spread in his lower body was fast, much faster than he was used to and reacting to the blue-haired as if he was a catalyst, necessary to start the fire and the only one who could quench it.    
  
His back clashed against the wall, Hoseok’s broad body pressing him against it, almost squeezing the air out of his lungs, biting into his shoulder roughly, before letting go and sliding the pierced tongue over it, moaning into his ear.    
  
“You have no idea what you’re missing out on,” the incredibly low voice groaned while the other man rolled the hips into him smoothly. A rough moan left his lips as he hit his head against the smooth surface behind him, wishing to feel more. 

_ To feel it all.  _

Hyungwon knew, he knew well enough to yearn for it even when he wasn't at the edge of his control and mentally begging for the other man to take over him and do as he wished. 

“I know,” he gasped, biting his lower lip to not moan too loudly and thereby missing out on the beautiful noises the man pressing him against the wall was producing. “I want you even when I'm sane.”   
  
Hoseok was wearing sweatpants and his prominent erection was brushing against his own and his ass repeatedly, reminding him how good it felt like. Hyungwon wanted to feel it again, to melt into the sensation as he had in the shower, unaware and perceptions only focusing on Hoseok and what the other was doing to him. 

_ You still perceive too much from the outside, Hyungwon. You need to be free. _ _  
_

“No. You have no fucking idea, Hyungwon, you’re clueless.” Hoseok rolled the hips once again, stopping when the friction was most intense and pressed him further into the wall, opening the buttons of his shirt with one hand before stopping and loosening the pressure suddenly, letting his body slide down the wall. Hyungwon moaned, throwing his head back again and barely remaining conscious as his vision blurred, focusing on the way Hoseok’s hips felt against his and forcing his legs to remain standing. It wasn't even his sensitivity yet, it was merely his desire for the other man to take over and rip it from him, on fire at the mere thought of what expected him. 

“Set me free, Hoseok. Drive me mad, fuck, only you can and I need it,” he mumbled, fingers running along the clothed pecs and wishing to feel them without the extra layer. He needed more, everything Hoseok was willing to give him. “Set me ablaze.”   
  
“I don’t know.” The other man put distance between them and walked back, without separating his gaze, letting himself fall on the beige leather. “I have the feeling I set myself ablaze instead of you.” The dark brown eyes were peeking from under the blue bangs. “Undress for me.” 

_ Undress for him.  _

It was a simple order, so he followed it, fingers stretching out towards his shirt and pulling it down his shoulders, gaze remaining on the beautiful man in front of him and unwilling to become aware of his surroundings. 

_ You want to be blissfully gone.  _

The impact of the dark gaze and the prior ministrations got to him as he slid down the wall, giving up on holding himself up and threw the piece of clothing to the side, merely remaining in black skinny jeans and rubbing along his thigh, trying to remain sufficiently in control to not touch himself at least. He released the button and gasped at the way some of the pressure was lifted from his groin, not wearing underwear and rough fabric rubbing against his erection. A groan left his mouth and he bit down on his bottom lip, realizing his eyes were closed and finally opening them, focusing on the attractive man on the couch. Hoseok was sitting spread legged, not wearing any shirt and looking at him intently.

_ He should be the one touching you. He can melt you with his fingertips. _

Hyungwon moaned at the sight, surprised by how affected he was without even being directly involved. He pulled the jeans down his thighs, hissing at how sensitive the skin was before crawling over to the couch and mouthing over Hoseok’s thigh, letting his lips travel to his crotch without undressing him. He could see the pale fingers jerk but not move from their designated spot on the beige leather, a loud hiss leaving the moist lips, pierced tongue sliding over them repeatedly. 

“Would you like me to drive you mad today?” Hyungwon asked but wasn't sure whether he could, body screaming at him to attach itself to the other man and feel his fingers inside of himself, losing control and melting in the blissful reduction of his senses, only the body and the touches relevant. He breathed hot air against the prominent tent in the sweatpants and let his tongue move over the fabric, both hands digging into the spread thighs.    
  
“I might forget about our deal though.” Hoseok tried to speak calmly, but the breathing pattern was too irregular and harsh to fit to the way the other man talked. 

_ He's struggling because of the way you make him feel, Hyungwon. Like your drawing. _

Hyungwon swallowed and shifted on his knees, pressing his flat palm against the length of Hoseok’s dick and sliding along it, lip sucked into his mouth at the outline he could identify. He really wanted Hoseok. 

_ You're on your knees already, you just need to say it three times and the torture is over.  _

He couldn't. 

The thoughts were still too clear in his head and consequences too unimaginable to remain calm. He couldn't have taken it back and the fear just waited at his fingertips to attach itself and take over him, long fingers shivering against the other man's erection. Hyungwon hissed at the sudden outburst of fear and unpleasant thoughts and pulled himself up, thighs landing on each side of Hoseok’s, lips attaching themselves desperately and slim arms pressing the beautiful face closer. 

“I don't want to think, Hoseok,” he whispered desperately before kissing the curved mouth again. “Please play with me just the way you like.”   
  
“I don’t want to play with you, I want to make you desperate.” The dark gaze switched to his eyes, sliding down his naked body and going back up, warm hands grabbing his hips. Hoseok’s muscular chest was lifting and sinking repeatedly, naked skin reflecting the dimmed lights. 

“But if you don't touch me the thoughts and the fear return,” Hyungwon mumbled and scratched along the strong shoulders, wishing to limit his perception to pleasure and away from the fear, rolling his hips against the other man and moaning shortly at the way the hard erection felt against him, even if the blue-haired wasn’t naked. A single finger slid up his side, going over the shoulder and chest, down to his crotch and the whole length of his dick, stopping at the tip.    
  
“That depends on how much you want to be touched,” Hoseok replied while sliding the finger back up to his shoulder, eyes sparkling and lips red from nibbling on them. The other man's actions didn't make sense to him, so different from the way he usually attached himself to Hyungwon's body and drove him mad. His slim thighs shivered at the light touches, body wanting more and almost thrusting up towards the hand that had left him. 

“I want your fingers inside of me so I can lose control,” Hyungwon replied, breathing heavily and shaking from the strain that he felt, fingertips tingling at the desire to touch himself and release some of the pressure. The fear moved back the further the yearning for pleasure increased. “I want you, Hoseok.”    
  
The other sighed and removed his hands from Hyungwon’s body.   
  
“You have five minutes as long as I’m still weak.” Hyungwon jumped up as fast as he could, attaching his lips to Hoseok’s for a few seconds and running to the bathroom. The path was different than usual but he ignored it, focusing on his desperation and the way he wanted the other man. 

_ You're going to beg him to fuck you again as soon as you lose it.  _

He dried his body quickly, some drops remaining as usual and running over his chest as he left the bathroom and saw Hoseok lying on the king-sized bed, still in his sweatpants. Not hesitating any further Hyungwon climbed over him and sat down on the other man’s lap, purposefully blurring out his own thoughts by leaning down and kissing him forcefully, hips rolling forward against the other man's dick. It felt amazing, pressure against his lower body telling him how much the other man desired him. He wanted to feel more. The fingers that set him ablaze and the warmth of the broad tip that stole his breath away. He wanted to feel it all.

“I love how you feel against me,” Hyungwon moaned, caressing the soft lips before he repeated the motion, heat rising from his lower body to his chest and cheeks. He was impatient, pushing his hips down to feel even more.

Hoseok’s hands were all over him, low moans escaping the curled lips and blush covering the usually pale cheeks. 

“I know, I saw it while I was holding you over my dick,” Hoseok groaned and thrust upwards. Hyungwon loved the feeling, everything else would have been a lie, body burning up and reacting to every little twitch of Hoseok’s dick against his ass.

“I want to feel it again,” Hyungwon murmured, biting his lip and keeping his eyes closed. He placed both of his palms on Hoseok’s chest as he rolled his hips, moaning at the sensation with his lips parted. “But first I need to lose it.”

The movements were so fast that Hyungwon just felt how his body was basically lifted from Hoseok’s lap and the other man's tongue licked over his entrance, teasing him and grabbing his ass cheeks tightly. Hyungwon moaned, body falling forward against the headboard and burying his nails in it. The sensation was always overwhelming, warm and teasing but also so addicting.

“Fuck,” he cursed as his perceptions reduced and he stopped feeling the way his hands held onto the wood, only jerking with the sparks that rushed through his lower body with every little lick of Hoseok’s tongue. “Shit, I can't breathe, I love this.” He spoke without a filter, cognitive processes abandoning his hazy state.

The other man was giving him the whole course, humming and holding his hips in place while the merciless tongue made him go crazy until it suddenly stopped. 

“W- why?” Hyungwon murmured, unable to formulate a reasonable thought or to understand why Hoseok would torture him like that. His body burned and shivered at the lack of stimulation, yearning to satisfy the sensitivity. His hands were scratching down the headboard before they landed on his naked thighs. “I feel so empty.”

“I suppose you wanted me to make you come like this?” The other man's low voice sounded in front of him as the muscular body crawled up between him and the headboard. 

“No, I-” Hyungwon began and interrupted himself as his body complained, thoughts scrambled in his head and desiring the other man's touch. “I want to ride your fingers. I don't want to come yet.”

_ You want to feel the fire burning in your veins again.  _

Hoseok took the lube from the drawer and coated his fingers, reaching behind Hyungwon and circling one digit around his entrance before sliding in and curling down. A scream left his lips immediately as he fell against the other man's chest, struggling to remain seated. Hyungwon placed his hands on the warm and naked shoulders, using them for leverage as he pushed his body up by himself, hissing at the sensation before dropping down and reducing his vision to sparks of light, breath rough and teeth not enough to contain the loud screams each time the spot inside of him was hit dead on. 

Hoseok added another finger, free hand resting on his hips and moving along with Hyungwon’s body. It was intense, drops of sweat collecting on his slim chest and neck, running down as he struggled to breathe, desiring to feel more, to feel at the edge just as he had before. It was impossible to tell what happened to him, only the pleasure in his lower body and the hand on his hip entering his awareness. 

“Give me a third, Hoseok. I want to feel more. P-please.”

The other man complied, sliding a third digit in carefully, brushing over the sensitive spot. Hyungwon’s body convulsed almost immediately, barely able to hold himself up. Hoseok was moving his fingers more than he felt capable of moving his hips. The pleasure coiled inside of him, burning almost painfully with the way he wanted more. He wanted to feel the other man, see the want on his face, the way he desired to be inside of him. 

_ You need more, Hyungwon.  _

He paused his hips, almost convulsing at the way Hoseok still pushed inside of him and screaming into the blue-haired man's face, grabbing a few strands with his right hand and pausing the fingers inside of him with the left. He took a few deep breaths, attempting to calm himself and return the feeling in his legs. When a few seconds passed he opened his eyes, gaze immediately focusing on the dark eyes, breath catching in his lungs at the sight. He bit his lip and exhaled.

“I want to… sit down on you. But do you think you could… not move?” It was a lot to ask and Hyungwon knew, body burning to feel more and mind telling him that Hoseok’s self control was sufficient. He wanted to see how much the other wanted him, how he felt inside of him, whether it was just as Hoseok had described and if it would take the last bit of his awareness. 

Hoseok removed both hands and stared at his face for a long time, before a sharp exhale left the parted lips and the beautiful man nodded slowly, hands clutching onto the sheets. 

_ You'll torture him, Hyungwon. _

He kept up the eye contact as long fingers grabbed the lube, letting some of it cover his palm, and using his non covered hand to pull Hoseok’s sweatpants down. Hyungwon felt strangely aware of his actions, as if experiencing how Hoseok felt inside of him was a perfectly rational decision, desirable in every way. He stroked along the length with his lube covered hand, spreading it the way he had done it for himself before, curling his thumb over the tip a few times before letting go. His eyes remained fixed on Hoseok’s, unwilling to miss a second of the effect he had on the other man. 

_ You don't know what it's going to do to you yet.  _

Breathing out slowly he positioned himself above the beautiful man's crotch, feeling the coil in his lower body pulling together further and how his thighs shivered in anticipation. There was no fear as he bit his lip and stared.

“Okay?” he asked, voice rough from screaming.

Hoseok’s gaze was intense, it seemed as if the other man wasn't blinking at all, big, dark eyes staring right into his soul, fast pants leaving the parted lips.

Hyungwon wanted him so bad. 

“Do it,” Hoseok's unusually low voice breathed out. 

Hyungwon swallowed again before gripping the warm erection around the base, lining it up and forcing his body to relax sufficiently. He was sensitive enough to convulse either way but he didn't want to hurt himself. Glancing up after a few calming breaths he slid his hips down, feeling how the tip pushed against his entrance. It was impossible to look away from Hoseok’s eyes. The other sucked in a breath and didn't release it, eyes widening and teeth biting down on his lower lip. 

_ Do it. _

Hyungwon sank further down, feeling how the head breached him and gasped at the sensation, thighs shaking and body already feeling full although he hadn't touched Hoseok’s thighs yet. He swallowed again, forcing himself to look up although it was overwhelming, staring at Hoseok’s face, lower lip sucked into his mouth. Waiting for a few more seconds he breathed in deeply and sank down the rest of the way, thighs touching Hoseok’s and scream leaving his lips with the way the man under him filled him out. It was otherworldly, skin tingling and fire rushing through his veins and limbs. His hands had grabbed Hoseok’s shoulders and nails dug into them at the intensity. It was difficult to breathe. 

“Oh my god.”

The other man looked in trance, eyes still not blinking, breathing speed picking up and tiny beads of sweat forming on the pale forehead.

“Fuck.” Hoseok finally released the breath he had been holding and sucked in another one, desperate for oxygen. It felt so impossibly full and Hyungwon struggled to keep himself in check, body burning with the desire for release, dick twitching at the pressure against the sensitive spot inside of him. Even without movement he couldn't focus, pressure driving him mad and stealing his composure even more. 

Still he couldn't look away from the expression on the beautiful face, hand reaching out for the curved lips and stroking over them, numbing sensation spreading along his calves. The other man was beautiful and Hyungwon desired to make him lose it too, to make him feel more and melt inside his body. 

_ Ask him how much he wants you, Hyungwon. Whether the feeling is just as numbing and burning everything in its trail as it is for you. _

“Tell me what it feels like, Hoseok. How does it feel to be inside of me?”

 

***   
  
  


If Hoseok had been honest with himself, he had simply wanted to end the torture that was Chae Hyungwon’s impact on his body, mind and self-control, but of course the other had different plans, throwing him into a burning hell pit, chaos clouding his mind, turning his body into a tensed iron rod and asking him not to move.   
  
_ Get a grip, Hoseok, get a fucking grip. _ __  
__  
He gripped the sheets below him instead, knuckles turning white from the force and whole body clouded in impossible tension, eyes not leaving the ethereally beautiful man over him, stroking his erection with the lube-coated hand before lining up and staring him right in the soul.    
  
_ Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.  _ __  
__  
The only thing that he was able to perceive was his breathing, stuck in his lungs and releasing all at once before repeating the whole thing, sweat forming on his forehead from the strain it cost to remain absolutely motionless and the sensations that spread throughout his body as Hyungwon sank down on him slowly, taking away any perception he was able to grasp. Everything turned white for a second before the voice ripped him out of his state of semi delirium.    
  
“Oh my god.”   
  
The other man felt so impossibly tight around him, hot skin touching his thighs and nails digging into his shoulders.    
  
“Tell me what it feels like, Hoseok. How does it feel to be inside of me?”   
  
_ This is like a whole new level of torture, Hoseok.  _ __  
__  
His mind cleared a little, body still screaming curses at him and begging him to just move already, but he ignored it as much as he could.    
  
“It feels like I will be the one to beg you on my knees thrice,” Hoseok breathed out and his dick twitched inside the other man’s body, the only movement he couldn’t really refrain from. The slim body on top of him shuddered as Hyungwon released a moan, lips remaining parted and wide eyes staring at him. It was obvious that the beautiful man tried to move as little as possible, too affected by the situation and body burning up judging by the blush that spread along his neck and face.   
  
__ Let him come while he’s sitting on you, fuck him up.    
  
“Can I touch you?” His hand left the sheets and slid up Hyungwon’s thigh, drawing circles on the golden skin. Hyungwon clenched around him at the question, action involuntary and letting a shiver pass through the slim thighs, warm under Hoseok’s fingertips. The plump lips sucked in a deep breath of air as eyes closed and hands buried further into Hoseok’s shoulders. Only when the brown orbs reappeared, fixating on Hoseok, the other man nodded slowly.

“Please,” he whispered, voice still impossibly wrecked.   
  
“It’s really nice to see that you are as wrecked as I am.” Hoseok curled his fingers around the beautifully straight erection and stroked it while twitching inside Hyungwon again. The other man groaned in response, lifting up a centimeter or two at the intensity before sinking back down and biting his lip, eyes closing and scratching over Hoseok’s upper arms with the nails, leaving light red marks. He seemed delirious, unfocused whenever his eyes opened and barely holding on to Hoseok for stability.   
  
A low moan left his lips. It felt outworldly, not being able to move adding up to the unbearable tension. He started twitching his erection on purpose, coordinating the strokes with the movements, adding pressure to the other man’s tip. The way he thought and felt was difficult to grasp, different perceptions and sensations hunting each other, intertwining and not adding up to a logical picture, a black cloud of tension drowning him and his ability to think.    
  
_ It feels like chaos. This is chaos. _

Hyungwon moaned loudly, occasional screams leaving his lips and body clenching around Hoseok each time the thighs tightened on top of him. The other man was so impossibly sensitive, reacting strongly even without movement. It was difficult to imagine how Hyungwon would take being fucked into the mattress, most likely losing his mind completely.   
  
_ You need to make him lose his mind. Show him what you can do. Later. _

“I feel so fucking full and everything burns with liquid pleasure through my veins, Hoseok,” Hyungwon moaned, falling forward a little and placing his hands flat against his the muscular chest instead, breaths irregular, sometimes holding the air in only to release it in a sudden hiss.

Being inside Hyungwon felt like fucking a volcano, fucking hot but he wasn’t allowed to move. He had to burn in the lava. Hoseok sped up the strokes shifting his hips a tiny bit, without moving too much, but resulting in a slight movement inside the other man. Another scream blessed his ears as Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip hard enough to bruise, vibrant red color grazing the plump muscle. From the way the slim man’s legs shivered he must have been close, erection twitching in Hoseok’s hand and movements becoming less coordinated, more random and uncontrolled, hand unable to remain still on his chest and black hair thrown from side to side, some sticking to the forehead.   
  
“Fuck, you might be everything I’ve ever wanted,” Hoseok whispered, strain visible from the way a sweatdrop ran down his temple. His free hand slid up the golden skin of the lean thigh, holding onto it and stabilizing the body over him.    
  
“Come for me.” 

He was met with another gasp as Hyungwon nodded deliriously, visibly strained and body clenching around Hoseok’s dick repeatedly, not letting him go. A few more strokes were sufficient as the beautiful man orgasmed and released himself into Hoseok’s hand, every movement of the lean muscles perceivable with the bare eye and every inch of skin that touched the golden body. Hyungwon just fell forward, resting his elbows next to Hoseok’s head and leaning on his shoulder, hard breaths hitting his skin repeatedly.    
  
_ Holy fuck, you almost came without him riding you properly, what is this? _ __  
__  
Fast pants left his parted lips as he stroked over the wet hair with the left hand, hoping to be released from the extreme torture of being balls deep inside the beautiful, naked man over him and not being able to move an inch. Hyungwon kept breathing against his neck for a while, attempting to relax for a few minutes. His eyes were still blown when he finally lifted his head and met Hoseok’s gaze, biting his lips and lifting his hips slowly, sliding back up his erection before it fully left his body and he let himself fall to the bed next to Hoseok.

“Oh my god.”   
  
Hoseok was so frustrated after the warm body left him, he wanted to roll around and scream, but breathed in and out instead, looking at Hyungwon and trying to make sense of what had actually happened. Hyungwon stared back, eyes wide as if he was asking himself the same question, breathing heavily and keeping his lips parted.

“Can I...have tissues?” the wrecked man asked carefully as he let his right hand run over Hoseok’s chest, tongue licking over his lips. “I’d like to clean up before I drive you mad in return. Oh god, I must be killing you with this, fuck.”   
  
_ Yes. _ __  
__  
Hoseok reached to the drawer next to him and pulled some tissues out, giving them to the beautiful black-haired man with big brown eyes, who stared at him so innocently, as if he had not been sitting on his dick just now, asking him not to move an inch and to basically die on the spot. 

Teeth bit down on the red bottom lip again as Hyungwon cleaned up quickly, sliding the tissues along his stomach and thighs, including Hoseok’s erection. Once he was done he threw them off the bed and crawled towards Hoseok again, settling his hands next to his hips and licking a wet stripe from the base of his dick to the tip.

“I’m...rather curious. How does it feel? I have never been inside anybody inexperienced. Does it make a difference?” he breathed against Hoseok’s painful erection, adding a few licks to the slit. “Is it tight?”   
  
_ Asshole.  _   
  
Hoseok hated him. The kind of hate where he wanted to take the slim body and press it against the wall, letting it slide down on his erection slowly, before thrusting up and make the other scream into his face. Repeatedly.   
  
“Do you know how pain from not doing something feels like?” Hoseok moaned into the beautiful face, burying his hand inside the black hair. 

“I guess it is the same thing I feel when I desire to lose control but force myself not to,” Hyungwon replied and sucked on the head, moaning a little at the way Hoseok pulled at the strands of his hair, obviously enjoying it. “You didn’t answer my question.”   
  
“You feel different. You are so fucking tight I almost came without moving inside you, but that’s not the point. The way you react, your sensitivity, shit, this gets me going, I don’t want anything else, ever.” The last word was a groan as Hoseok threw his head back, grabbing the black strands tightly and thrusting inside the other man’s mouth. Hyungwon relaxed his throat quickly to not be caught off guard by the action, placing a palm on Hoseok’s hip and sucking his way up.

“I have never thought that me losing control would be attractive to someone else.” The other dug his tongue into Hoseok’s tip and held the base with his long fingers before glancing up at him, eyes large and beautiful. “Would you like to fuck my mouth?”   
  
_ Him. You would like to fuck him.  _ __  
__  
“Just release me from this torture, please,” he whispered and tried to calm his breathing, lungs burning from the past thirty minutes of pure sadism. Hyungwon nodded with his dick between his lips and placed his palms losely next to Hoseok’s hips again before deep-throating him repeatedly, lifting his fingers shortly to motivate Hoseok to pull his hair more, gasping against his erection at the feeling of it. The other man had a little bit of mercy on him, getting him closer to orgasm quickly with the way he let him slide deep between his lips, tongue flat against the head.   
His fingers tightened in the black hair and he released himself inside the other man’s mouth, panting loudly just like after running a whole marathon.   
  
Hyungwon looked up, licking over his lips visibly and stared at him again, appearing a little unsure.

“Would you...like me to stay? Or will you be upset if I am a little out of it tomorrow morning?”

“Stay,” Hoseok whispered, barely audible. “Please stay.”

“I’m glad.” Hyungwon nodded slowly and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, lying on top of him and breathing against his chest, legs intertwining. The long fingers stroked through his hair, massaging his scalp by sinking into the strands from the bottom, moving upwards and repeating the motion. The other man’s body was warm against his, breathing calm, now that he had come down from his high.

“What's your favourite painting?” Hoseok stroked along the fine lines of the annual rings on Hyungwon’s arm. The beautiful man reminded him of a painting himself, beautiful, mysterious, orderly but also strangely chaotic, different schemes intertwining. 

A blinding smile passed over Hyungwon's face as he looked up and untangled his legs, throwing them to the other side of the bed and lifting them up in succession as he rested his arms on Hoseok’s chest. He must have liked the question.

“Kandinsky’s Bustling Aquarelle. The painting that is located in the centre of my office. I love the arrangement of colours and patterns and how it includes everything. It's complete in itself and appears to be very complex however everything belongs where it is and makes sense. I already loved it as a child, attempting to draw it from memory but never quite achieving it. You might not be aware of that since you only saw me drawing you, but usually my works are more geometric in nature and less focused on human emotions. “ The smile was still there as Hyungwon looked up to the ceiling. “You know the bustling aquarelle reminds me that even if something appears complex and ungraspable there is always some kind of pattern behind it. I just need to find it to understand.”   
  
Hoseok started laughing, quietly at first but laughter getting louder in the process.   
  
“I love this painting, because it’s chaos. It symbolizes chaos for me, because the elements don’t make sense standing alone, only by stepping back and looking at the whole picture, you can see that it is actually a state and not something absolutely random, like chaos.” He looked into the big, brown eyes and warmth spread through his insides, liquid affection flowing through his veins and tingling along his skin. He stroked over the blushed cheek before leaning in and placing a kiss on the pretty nose. “Your mind is so beautiful, I want to kiss it.” 

Hyungwon chuckled, stroking over Hoseok’s hair.

“You could kiss my heart or my liver, that's where people believed the soul to be back then. Could be my mind then, since you have kissed my head already.” The long legs continued wiggling in the background as Hyungwon appeared in thought. “But I'm not able to see the big picture, it never works. Doesn't that disturb you?”    
  
“No. Actually we all have a limited perception don’t we? I see the things you can’t see and you can see things I am not able to recognize or make sense of, doesn’t mean one of us is wrong, it’s just different, it completes each other. I see the big picture and you see the details.” Hoseok smiled at the beautifully curled lips. “We are perfect like that.” 

The expression of the soft features developed further and lit up like a firework, the happiest Hoseok had ever seen the lean man. 

“Thank you for saying that, Hoseok. Thank you for not calling me ill,” Hyungwon whispered, eyes lighting up even further at the words.    
  
_ Why would you call him ill? _ __  
__  
“I would never call you ‘ill’ just for perceiving things I am not able to. I would never call you ill unless you’re having a fever and need medical assistance.” Hoseok grinned and pressed Hyungwon closer to his chest, enjoying the way the warmth transcended between their bodies. The slim man nodded against his skin, reaching for Hoseok’s nape with his right hand. 

“What did you mean by blue watercolour? You didn't answer last time,” Hyungwon asked, playing with a loose strand of blue hair, curling it around his finger just like he continuously did with Hoseok himself. “Blue like your hair?”   
  
“What do you want to know? Why I said that I wanted to be blue watercolor?” He remembered mentioning it but didn’t remember the context Hyungwon wanted to know about. 

“You said that each of us assigns a specific entity to our emotions. That for me it is going beyond the here and now and for you it is dissolving blue watercolour. Why is it blue watercolour for you? Why does it have to dissolve?” Hyungwon appeared to have a very detailed memory for information he wanted to have.    
  
Hoseok thought about it. It was a memory from his childhood, they had been on holiday in some southern country he didn’t remember the name of, he must’ve been six years old. His parents had taken him on a boat trip and he had stood at the front and looked over the scenery. The blue sky and the blue water had transcended into each other but not quite like an entity. The colors were slightly different and he remembered how he had wanted to be blue watercolor to mix the border, so the colors became one.    
  
_ You always wanted to blur borders didn’t you?  _ __  
__  
“I think the topic was being desperate somehow, wasn’t it? You looked for the calm and the feeling of going beyond here and now and I wanted to be blue watercolor to dissolve in water and blur borders of the here and now. Does it make sense to you? If it’s acrylic it’s pretty heavy and the way the colors mix is pretty obvious, the watercolor blurs the borders without leaving a trace of intrusion.” Hoseok had no idea whether his strange monologue had made any sense, but hoped that Hyungwon understood.

“I think I understand - cognitively, but emotionally your desire is difficult to grasp for me as blurring the borders would remove structure and form that keeps things in place and order. The mere thought of blurring the borders of my perception scares me. What does the dissolving achieve for you emotionally, or rather what would it achieve since we're speaking figuratively?” the other man elaborated, visibly struggling to comprehend and physically uncomfortable with the concept of blurring borders. The goosebumps were indicative enough.    
  
“I guess it’s enhancing my mind to perceive the things I am not able to grasp? You know, I have difficulties to know what I want, I envy you for always having clear understanding of what you want and how you want it. Meanwhile there’s me, having no idea what I need and want, whether I’m satisfied or not, whether I want more, or not.” The talk had gotten personal and Hoseok shifted a little, discomfort spreading through his body.   
  
_ How come you never talked about stuff like that? _

Hyungwon smiled, it seemed reassuring, as if he had recognized Hoseok’s reaction and the way he had opened up. 

“I don't know what I want, Hoseok. I never do. I just stagnate and desperately try to keep everything the same to not lose my balance and be unable to live on my own. Moving out was terrifying because I desired to remain home forever and keep my surroundings familiar. Except for my childhood it was the time that I had the most meltdowns. I didn't even know that I want you until you and Jin served me the knowledge on a plate.” The low voice sounded rather frustrated, lower lip pulled forward and hands playing with his own fingers instead of Hoseok’s hair.    
  
It just didn’t make sense somehow. Hoseok had the feeling that the other man had been perfectly fine before meeting him and intertwining their lives. He was pretty sure that he was the one making Hyungwon experience meltdowns and loss of structure.    
  
“But you came into my studio. You wanted that tattoo three years ago, not holding back and just using whatever means to get what you want. You came to my studio three years after that, wanting me for the collaboration project, not backing down, using whatever means including my infatuation with your tattoo. Maybe it is me who is one of those critical life experiences that make you lose your grip and make you vulnerable to the outside.”

Hyungwon shook his head, removing a black strand from his cheek and establishing eye contact. It felt like a gift each time. 

“I was lost when I came to your studio, drunk and desperate because my only means of comprehending had been taken away. That was the critical event. You were the one who brought me out of the stupor, inking a reminder of emotions and motivation on me, enabling me to draw again. You were the only one who was able to do that, so I needed you for the project, searching desperately. You were the calm back then just as you are now, Hoseok.” A sigh left the plump lips. “If you had been the one thing to break me I would have avoided you, at any cost.”   
  
_ Would he though? _ __  
__  
“Tell me about your family, I mean I’ve met Jin and Alice, but what about your parents? Don’t you meet with them regularly?” Hoseok asked, wanting to know more after the simple realization that they had basically no information on each other that went further than perfect anatomical fit. 

“Sure, then you can tell me about yours afterwards!” Hyungwon wiggled his legs again and took a deep breath. “So, I have a mom and a dad, but they divorced when I was eight years old, three months and twelve days. The decision was on the fifteenth of April and the day dad moved out was the sixteenth. Mom stayed with Jin and me, but mostly I was with Jin since he explained things to me and helped me to understand things my friends did. He also played with me in case I was lonely. My dad still visits once a year on my birthday, but he gets upset when I call him that, so you shouldn't tell him in case you ever meet him. My mom is with a different man now since I'm fifteen, eight months and one day. It was the eighteenth of January when he visited for the first time and gave me a hug but I got a meltdown, so mom was rather upset. Those two are the ones I eat with every Wednesday. Jin used to come but he is busy nowadays because he's a psychotherapist.” Hyungwon paused suddenly and breathed in as if he had forgotten to do so while talking. “What about your family?”   
  
_ Holy fuck. _ __  
__  
“That must’ve sucked a lot.” Hoseok stroked over the black hair softly before sucking in a breath.   
  
“Well. My family consists of my parents. I’m the only child. I don’t talk to them since I stopped studying art and decided to open the studio. The end.” He exhaled and closed his eyes. Long fingers tightened around his wrist as Hyungwon hummed. 

“That's a rather short description. What did you like as a child? Did you like dinosaurs? Why did you stop studying? And why did you stop talking to them afterwards? I'm confused. I'm also wondering what you meant by ‘that must have sucked’. What exactly?” The beautiful man was strangely talkative, words just pouring out of his mouth without a break and keeping the body contact at a maximum.  __  
__  
“I liked the sea, colors, drawing, mainly on walls, my parents hated me a little. My personality is rather consistent. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t draw on walls because they were white. I stopped studying because I had the feeling that it was not what I actually wanted, there were so many rules, so many things I had to do although I hated it so much with my whole mind and body, so I decided to open the tattoo studio, as I enjoyed inking since college. Changkyun helped me decide back then, he also worked with me later, before disappearing.” 

A couple of breaths filled the acoustic space as he thought about the exact reason for not talking to his parents anymore. “I have an opinion on family that differs from what others might think is right. I think that we chose our family ourselves, it’s those people who love and support you, listen to you and try to understand. If my parents can not be those people, then so be it. They didn’t understand me- no they didn’t try to understand me so it kind of came out like this.” Hyungwon nodded quietly at his explanation, smiling when he had mentioned the sea and frowning when Changkyun's name passed over his lips. 

“Your definition of family seems reasonable to me. After all there is nothing forcing you to see people that make you uncomfortable, at least that's also how I think. I don't really have friends so to me the amount of people that I wish to be around is limited either way, usually I focus on one person at a time. I hope you have found a nicer family for yourself.” The plump lips pressed against his before Hyungwon frowned again. “Why did Changkyun leave you like that? I can still draw the hurt on your face that day, details remaining like a curse and it makes me want to hurt him in return.”   
  
A shudder ran through his body at the mention of the day he had lost his grip of reality because of useless emotional attachment.    
  
“I guess we are really similar, him and I. He went away because he thought there was more for him, of course the way of leaving like this is something I wouldn’t have done, but the essence is rather similar. He is also like a tornado, twirling everything around, creating chaos and leaving.” 

“You mean like two tornados would just destroy each other without becoming one,” Hyungwon commented and appeared in thought again, crossing his arms on Hoseok’s chest and placing his head on top of them. “I really dislike him and wish that you wouldn't let him hurt you anymore. I'm miserable when you are upset and wish for you to be content. Your parents should have done the same. If tattooing puts you at ease then that's what you should be doing. But I still don't understand why you say that something sucked in my recounting of my family events.” The head lifted a bit, enough to stare at him with one opened eye.    
  
“Uhm. The fact that your parents divorced? You hate change? Everything was basically a mess? No?” Hoseok couldn’t believe Hyungwon could get complex art metaphors but no mediocre human understanding of events like divorce. The other man frowned. 

“It doesn't really matter to me. It is just a fact in the recounting of events and I have no particular emotional reaction to that. Saying it ‘sucked’ indicates a negative emotion but I don't have it. It's just the way it is, so I hope it doesn't evoke any negative emotions in you. The important thing has remained constant back then and only the change of that had been detrimental to me. My parents’ divorce is merely something that happened in the background.” The brown eyes were both focused on him, jumping from one part of his face to the next, not pausing for longer than a few seconds.    
  
_ A fact. It’s just the way it is. Must be nice living like this. _ __  
__  
Hoseok curled his arms around the thin body partially lying on top of him and closed his eyes, breathing in the intoxicating scent of cherry wood mixed with his detergent and something else, blurring his senses and making him feel absolutely calm, as if it was exactly the place he wanted to be.  __  


“I'm tired, Hoseok,” the beautiful man murmured against his skin, eyes closing slowly.   
  
“Me too, I love you Hyungwon, you’re perfect,” he breathed out and closed his eyes embracing the chaos that calmed him down, while lying on top of him, breathing and tickling his skin.   
  
_ You are exactly where you wanted to be.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	20. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You can be pretty scary, Hoseok."

His surroundings were warm and unfamiliar again, like lying in deep waters, every sound muffled and barely recognizable, crucial frequencies filtered out and therefore keeping him from pinpointing what was happening. The thick veil of sleep was lifted slowly as familiar beeping entered his ears. His eyes opened gradually to reveal white walls, pale arms and black and white fabric. It felt like a deja vu but the knowledge didn’t make the experience more pleasant, panic rising immediately at the realization that he wasn’t home, but rather in a black and white bed that wasn’t his and in the arms of a man that he couldn’t identify in his fear-blurred haze.

_ You’re not home. _

The words repeated as if they were magical and would have an effect on his cognitive state but they didn’t. It was just a reminder, giving the unfamiliarity and the fact that he had no knowledge of his situation a form. The man hugging him remained unknown no matter how long he stared at the way the pale skin built up a contrast to the black pillow and terror made its way over Hyungwon’s fingertips to his chest, goosebumps spreading despite the heat of body contact.

_ Who is hugging you, Hyungwon? _

He didn’t know, but the lack of an answer didn’t have to mean anything. It was very well possible that he was familiar with the muscular body and curved lips but the fear at the currently unknown surroundings took his ability to recognize, it always did. Holding his breath he fought his way out of the warm arms and curled up at the edge of the bed, holding his knees and releasing the deoxygenated air. He inhaled and exhaled heavily, hoping to free himself from the loud noise and the unrecognizable room and bed. And person. 

The loud beeping stopped. 

_ Maybe you’ll suddenly be home if you lie like this for long enough, Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
“Hyungwon? Are you ok?” A warm palm was placed on his upper arm before a body followed, curling the arms around him. He couldn't help but shake his head a little, hoping the person would understand and hopefully do something about it, help him to get out of the blurry mess. He was turned around and pressed against a warm chest, smelling like something very familiar. It was nice. 

Hyungwon immediately tried to drown in it, curling his arms around the warm body and inhaling the scent as if it replaced air. It was impossibly pleasant. 

When he finally opened his eyes slowly he saw the tattoo of the forest and the annual rings on the person's upper arm, beautiful lines connecting and dots adding up, picture appearing in careful strokes.

_ Hoseok.  _

“Oh my god, I'm so sorry for not recognizing you. My brain turned off,” Hyungwon murmured, genuinely feeling bad about not identifying the one person he cared the most about. “You smell so good, Hoseok.”

“Thank you. Do you need something?” the low voice whispered. Hyungwon focused on the perceptions of his body, warm blanket below him, hot body around him and the familiar scent drowning him. 

_ What do you need, Hyungwon? _

“You,” he answered, pressing his lips to the area located right below him, a collarbone. “I recognized you because of the tattoo on your upper arm, the beauty of the annual rings.” 

“I hope you can feel comfortable around me some day.” Hoseok seemed strangely emotional, voice almost cracking. 

_ You hurt him, Hyungwon. With your incomprehensible behaviour.  _

He held his breath, brain trying to regain the thinking patterns that he needed to answer such that he could calm the other man down. But he couldn't lie. 

“I will, I really will, Hoseok. We just need to decide in advance if I stay over, bring my necessities, prepare what I eat and do this often enough that I get used to it,” he answered, voice a little infused with sleep and quiet. “I have been a little out of it yesterday evening just like last time, so I didn't have the time to realise that I'm with you before falling asleep. I didn't even brush my teeth.”

“It's not your fault. I'm the tornado ripping you out of your routine and placing you somewhere, expecting you to be fine with all this.” The other man's words didn't fit to the intonation Hoseok was speaking in. It sounded cheerful, although the words indicated something else. 

The arms left him as his boyfriend stood up and went to the bathroom. Hyungwon felt sick. It was just like before. The other man was lying again, probably to calm him down but he wasn't doing a very good job. 

“Hoseok,” Hyungwon called, following the blue-haired man and placing his palm on the broad shoulder, hoping to make sense of it with some more help. “Are you okay? Your face looks sad, your voice sounds happy and your words are devastating. Which of those is it?”

“It's all of it.” Hoseok turned around and gave him a toothbrush, putting toothpaste on it carefully and smiling. “But it doesn't matter, life's like this. Let's get ready, I have my first appointment in an hour and I'm kinda naked.” 

_ Oh no, you have to work, Hyungwon.  _

He froze for approximately eight seconds at the realization before he forced himself to stuff the toothbrush in his mouth, brushing furiously and cleaning out his mouth thoroughly. He had to be aware of his surroundings and make things easier for the other man. Time was running out after all. 

“My alarm always goes off at six. Was it too late for you? Will you be late because of me? Oh god.” It was hard not to panic the longer Hoseok remained undressed and away from work. “You can leave on your own and I'll figure something out.”

_ Well, good luck with that.  _

“Nah, get dressed. Do you want to get dropped off at work or home?” Hoseok elaborated while putting on his jeans and a black t-shirt, hugging his muscular body like a second skin. 

“It'll be easier if it's home. I can get back into routine then,” Hyungwon murmured in reply and hoped that the other wouldn't be upset. After all Hoseok always wished for him to stay over and do what other boyfriends do. He stepped behind the blue-haired man, standing in front of his wardrobe and hugged him from the back, whispering in his ear. “Your shirt is like a thin skin, muscles bulging and lines perfectly traceable with my fingertips.” He let his index finger run along Hoseok’s chest for emphasis. 

“I thought you wanted to go home, but I don't know if I'll let you after the torture yesterday and the way you touch me. Get dressed,” Hoseok muttered and caught his finger. 

_ Apparently that wasn't what he wanted you to do then. _

Hyungwon let go and couldn't help the dissatisfaction that spread on his face. He wanted the relaxed atmosphere to return instead of the constant pressure that the beautiful man seemed to be under, shoulders tense and avoiding body contact. 

“I'm sorry, Hoseok.”

“Don't be sorry, you dummy. Just get dressed, I'll drive you home.” The blue-haired disappeared and came back with two bananas and an apple, holding them in front of Hyungwon’s face. The smile was immediate, impossibly happy at the fact that Hoseok remembered. He ran to the living room to get his clothes that he had left there and pulled them on before taking the fruits from the artist's hands and peeling the banana carefully. The order was also rather clear. Banana, apple and then banana.

While nibbling along the length of his fruit he slipped into his shoes and stood at the door, waiting for Hoseok. 

_ Someday it'll have to stop being like this. _

_ Right? _

_

 

Apparently it had to remain like this for a little while longer, considering Hyungwon’s struggles with proper communication.

Keeping up relevant but also regular contact was difficult. Hyungwon had worked, answered his emails, evaluated artwork and completely finished up the government project in the last few days of work. All in all he was being productive as he had always been, taking each task that was given to him seriously and transforming it into a marked item on the white sheet of paper on his desk, indicating his to-do items. But despite the successful elimination of items on the list he struggled to add new elements to his routine, to write to Hoseok about a variety of things and thoughts. His research told him that boyfriends were supposed to remain in contact. Even Jin sent his wife messages everyday and the two of them were married for ages. So it was important to at least somehow conform to the image given by the outside, because no matter how much Hoseok disliked rules and regulations, he was still a member of the current society and influenced by its standards, norms and relationship ideals. 

The problem was that Hyungwon just couldn't send the artist messages about his well-being, since they seemed rather pointless to him, unless it changed of course. If he felt fine everyday, what exactly was the point of telling Hoseok about it constantly? It was like superfluous information that was not adding anything important or precious but just taking up time and valuable breath, or finger muscle energy since it was about text messages. Hoseok would simply get annoyed by the constant onslaught of meaningless information and if not then Hyungwon would get annoyed. In addition he didn’t even know how often such messages had to be written, once every hour? Once a day? Was there some kind of rule for that? It was really hard. If Hyungwon was honest a few very rare phone calls in the evening (when he had wanted to tell Hoseok about an artwork he had seen during the day) had been the height of his digital communication skills. 

Small talk had always been something that he detested, so writing about small facts that carried information and were rather fascinating to him was by far more interesting. He had told Hoseok about the little child on his way to work that also hadn’t stepped on the lines on its way to school and how much that had surprised him and he had also told him about another artwork that one of his workers created, involving a beautiful lion among several plants. The expression had been mesmerizing and Hyungwon hadn’t hesitated before accepting it. Overall the facts and impressions were easier to communicate than personal well being and it might have been better to keep it that way. Until now Hoseok had mainly reacted with very enthusiastic laughing smileys that were also crying for some reason, but Hyungwon had just concluded that it was an expression of intensity. Maybe it was just  _ especially _ funny. Or he himself was especially funny, no matter what he actually talked about. That was also okay.

_ Just that being funny is not your main goal for your relationship, Hyungwon. You didn’t even have a goal until shit got real. _

His brain also didn't let him rest as it had before. If his main concern had been the fact that he continuously thought about Hoseok and wished to see the other man, to run his fingers through the beautiful blue hair and melt in the muscular arms, it had now developed into a full blown desire that was rather intently supported by his awakened libido and the fact that he now knew what Hoseok felt like inside of him, even if he hadn't allowed the other man to move. Basically he had given himself a wonderful and very detailed memory of what it was like. A memory that his mind was rather reluctant to let go. He felt emotional and attached about the experience, but he doubted that Hoseok felt the same way.

_ He looked like you were torturing him, Hyungwon.  _

The tension in the other man's shoulders hadn't really disappeared even when the two of them ate a quick lunch at Hoseok’s place on Thursday while Minhyuk got a tattoo inked. Hyungwon hadn't asked about the tension though, feeling rather convinced that it was fully his fault and the change that it needed to disappear wasn't something he was ready for yet.

_ You're not ready but now you really want it, Hyungwon. You decided to feel it yourself. It was conscious. _

It had been his own decision to sit down on Hoseok’s lap and to find out what having the other man inside of him felt like. He had decided to do that and it had been conscious because he had never thought more clearly when he lubed up the firm erection and lined it up with his body. Afterwards it had been a different story but until then his decisions had been perfectly rational, even if he kept telling himself that they weren’t and he had been delirious. 

Hyungwon sighed at himself and his inability to follow his own advice. Jin had always said that it was a human quality, but that Hyungwon had been surprisingly amazing at acting according to his own recommendations. 

_ Except when it's about loss of control. That has always been your weakness. _

Stretching out his long legs under the desk he leaned further into his office chair and closed his eyes, contemplating a good course of action. He had no further appointment with Hoseok planned and it made him uncomfortable because the minimal announcement time was actually two days, but Hyungwon really didn't want to wait for a whole two days. He'd much rather see the artist immediately or all the time, turn him into part of his daily routine and not have to be separated anymore. Ever.

_ You’re fully attached aren’t you, desiring to stick to his leg and never part? _

Not hesitating much he grabbed his phone and typed a message.

‘I want you to become a part of my everyday routine so that you're always around me.’

It was rather straightforward and didn't include any spelling or grammar errors so he sent it off, smiling slightly at the image of having Hoseok there at all times and not be surprised. But preferably at his place because it was more calming and Hyungwon still struggled with staying over at Hoseok’s. It would need some time but he’d also get there eventually. They just needed to plan this better.

Kyungsoo had already gone home and Hyungwon had mainly stayed behind to draw again, a few more drawings and paintings of Hoseok but also expressions of other happenings in his life, such as the fact that he was spending less and less time with Jin and it surprised him. The emotions had been confusing so he poured them out onto the paper, using various types of watercolors and a golden pencil. The strokes were calming and gave a shape to the emotions. It was a type of separation with a clear switch. There had never been anybody he had spent more quality time with than Jin, but that had now changed.

_ Hoseok is already your main person, Hyungwon. Now you won't be able to let go no matter what.  _

He smiled and cleared away his drawing materials, putting them back where they belonged and slipped into his jacket, which was lying on the black couch in the centre. He didn't even want to be able to let go, so it was okay. Jin was with his wife and already had very little time for him, so a switch was only good for his brother. The other man could finally stop worrying about Hyungwon and put him in Hoseok’s hands as he had always wanted to do as soon as he had a boyfriend. Now the time had finally arrived.

When he left the building, backpack securely attached to his shoulder, he felt his phone vibrate in his jeans, letting a smile appear on his lips. Hoseok must have paused drawing at night to answer. 

‘I will, as soon as I have the feeling that you're comfortable with it.’

The smile only got brighter at the message and at Hyungwon’s attempt to picture Hoseok’s face. The desire to see the other man only increased, wish to hug him and not think drowning him again, fingers itching to touch the silky strands and have the warm arms around his waist. It was like a pre-programmed reflex.

_ Are you vulnerable when you draw, Hyungwon? Why are you always like this at night? _

He pressed the fingertips of his right hand into his left lower arm and played his calming pattern as he walked in the direction of his home, deciding against another badly planned decision that would only result in more tension for Hoseok and more frustration when Hyungwon was out of it afterwards. 

_ But you don't need to go to his place, Hyungwon. You could go to yours or use the stuff you packed just in case.  _

The loud noise of his steps stopped, both feet pausing inside a safe square and brain rushing through several possibilities. He could simply go to Hoseok's studio, pick him up and then easily go home with him without difficulties. Hyungwon had decided that he wanted company and he still had about fifteen minutes to get used to the thought before the taxi would come and bring him to the familiar tattoo parlour. 

_ Just do it.  _

Hyungwon took a deep breath and remained in the square as he called a taxi, hoping for it to come before he was able to decide against it and run away. It was faster than his hesitation and only three minutes passed before he was watching the blurred lights of London, visual input similar to what he perceived when he was out of it, nothing clear but only smudged around him.

The door was the same, just like everything else from outside so Hyungwon felt rather calm at the thought of appearing so late. He wanted to see Hoseok, so he was there. After all that's what the other man had told him to do from the very beginning, to take his desire to see him and emotions as a proper reason for actions. 

He opened the door with vigour and stepped inside, closing it soundly and smiling automatically in anticipation. The studio looked familiar as always and everything was in place so Hyungwon walked through to the back room swiftly, looking for Hoseok. 

But the artist wasn't there. Instead of him there was a fully tattooed black-haired man placing strokes on a blank piece of paper.

_ Changkyun.  _

Hyungwon couldn't stop the way his smile turned upside down and his hands clenched into fists. The other man always had this effect on him. 

“Where is Hoseok?”

The black-haired looked up with a surprised expression on his face, smiling shortly before glancing down on the paper again. 

“Why are you asking me? Isn't he your platonic boyfriend?” Hyungwon frowned at the words, rudeness immediately apparent from the way the facial expressions twisted a little.

_ Maybe you should have asked Hoseok before coming.  _

“I wouldn't call it platonic. I just assumed that he would be here, but apparently not,” he replied calmly and sat down on the edge of the desk, glancing over the other man's shoulder. 

Changkyun was drawing a face, Hoseok’s face, amazingly realistic, every feature perfectly expressed with the black ink, without a need to correct. 

_ You have something in common. He also draws him.  _

“He went home. He seems a little unhappy these days. Did you guys fight or did he finally realize that he can't live without sex? I'm not saying he's a monster or something, but we often had sex thrice a day because he's like that. You can't expect him to be all lovey dovey with that libido of his. You should've stayed with someone who matches with your expectations and not torture him like this.” Changkyun just continued drawing Hoseok's neck and shoulders.

The words didn’t even need to be filtered before they hit Hyungwon full force, meaning apparent in addition to the accurate description of the way Hoseok suffered every time they were close to each other.

_ What are you doing to him, Hyungwon? You partially can't even call him for a day or two. _

“We didn't fight,” Hyungwon answered but he didn't sound very confident. They didn't, not really, but it wasn't hard to see that the tension in Hoseok’s behaviour was fully his fault. “I won't be doing this to him forever. I just need time.”

He didn't know why he was telling that to Changkyun but he had always replied when there was something to say, independent of whether he liked the person or not. The conversation was unpleasant, he could tell from the way his body tensed up, head a little dizzy and fingers immediately pressing down his pattern on the surface of the table. It didn't really help because it didn't make him disappear. He didn't know Changkyun well and had to keep his polite program running. It was the same one he used for work. 

“Oh you need time? What about him? He’s running around like a shadow of himself, doing things he had never done before, losing everything that his attractive and outgoing personality consisted of, and you need time? Wow.” The black-haired man dropped his pen and stared up, gaze narrowing. 

Hyungwon’s discomfort turned into something more familiar and much more dangerous as anger built up and spread through his veins, stopping the pattern he had been pressing down and forcing him to take a proper look. The black hair was covering Changkyun's forehead in thick strands and the eyes were dark. The sight was enough to focus on the lips instead, the same ones that had just blamed Hyungwon for breaking Hoseok’s outgoing personality, despite the fact that the blue-haired had almost drowned in a fucking puddle because of the black-haired piece of shit.

“What gives you the right to blame me if the only one who really broke him and took away his ability to draw is you? You’re the one who hurt him enough to be completely out of it and hurt himself. Who the fuck do you think you are, Changkyun?” His voice was uncharacteristically low and expressive, not as monotone and calm as he liked it to be. Hyungwon was furious.   
  
“So you decided to join the club of people who step all over Hoseok? I did it, yes, we had mind-blowing sex, I apologized, everything is fine. But what about you? Must be nice to hide behind a bad ex-boyfriend.” The other man smiled and leaned his head against the palm before standing up and walking towards the coffee machine. Hyungwon didn’t know what to say in reply and remained seated on the desk, feeling cold for no reason and easily identifying it as panic.

_ You can’t say anything to that, Hyungwon. You make Hoseok suffer too and it’s only because of your personal problem. Hoseok told you that it is difficult for him and still you pull through. _

“But him and me have a deal,” he whispered and looked up slowly, glancing at the way coffee poured into a cup. It was almost enough to imagine that it was a typical visit at the studio. But it wasn’t one.   
  
“A deal? Didn’t know that Hoseok was into business like that.” Changkyun chuckled and took a sip out of the black cup, turning around and leaning against the counter, tattooed arms on display, after a second look Hyungwon could recognize Hoseok’s drawing style on most of the art the other man’s skin was covered with. “I hope you don’t pay him money so he stays with you, although I’m pretty sure Hoseok would’ve never said yes to that. He was celebrating the end of his contract just yesterday.”

_ He knows so much and his skin is covered with Hoseok’s art, Hyungwon. It’s almost exactly the same. _

“I would never pay him money for that. We are dating based on feelings. It’s mutual and both of us adjust for the other person. We’re both okay with it because it is worth it.” Hyungwon was speaking quietly and avoided glancing at the other man. It was uncomfortable and only added to the worries he already had to deal with independent of the words and thoughts in his own head.   
  
“Do what you want honey, it’s not my problem. Just know for sure that there is no fucking way he will do it for much longer because he has certain needs you must have missed because of your ignorance and the second-” He gulped the coffee down in one go before turning around to face Hyungwon. “The second thing is, don’t kid yourself. Hoseok is not someone you can fit into some kind of routine, or who can get used to being managed. As soon as he feels a border he will smash it and leave, sooner or later. You, my friend, are the epitome of a fucking border.”

_ Blue watercolour. Blurring the borders, Hyungwon. Hoseok said he desires to become blue watercolour to blur the border, but he can't.  _

_ Because you are the border.  _

“I-” He stopped talking because he didn't know what to say. It didn't mean anything anymore, just sounds drowned in water that wouldn't change anything. Hoseok suffered because Hyungwon didn't give himself to him, only creating borders and forcing the other man to keep them in place although they are the one thing he detested with his whole being. 

_ You're gonna make him unhappy over time, aren't you? With your inflexibility and inability to understand social situations. _

_ You have to give him the thing he needs, Hyungwon. You are attached. You can't go back anymore, you'll have a meltdown. _

Breathing was difficult and Hyungwon pressed a palm to his chest to focus on the way it felt, hyperventilating quickly and squeezing his eyes shut. He had to go to Hoseok and away from the black-haired man that got under his skin too quickly. 

“I- I have to go,” he whispered, looking around to see if he had left anything behind and walking towards the exit without taking another glance at the other man. Even when the door closed behind him he didn't feel at ease, fear crawling up his fingertips with each second, not reacting to the fact that the source of his discomfort wasn't around anymore. 

_ It's not about Changkyun. His absence doesn't change the fact that Hoseok might leave if you don't stop restricting him.  _

His feet walked on their own, religiously avoiding the concrete lines and putting one in front of the next, not thinking about anything except for the goal he wished to arrive at. He had to calm down and there was only one person that was able to calm him down. It had changed and it wouldn't change back, even if Hyungwon was the one thing that kept Hoseok away from his freedom. 

_ You're a little bit like a wall then, aren't you? _

It was a little sad because Hyungwon liked walls, the way they created a strong feeling of security and reliability. However he didn't need to ask Hoseok to be sure that the artist's opinion would have differed fundamentally, probably describing it as restricting and unpleasant. 

It took him by surprise when his feet stopped in front of a door suddenly, breaths still harsh, unable to calm down despite the time that had passed. He swallowed and rang the bell, mentally begging for Hoseok to be home so he could melt in his arms and not think about anything. Just follow his plan instead.   
  
Hoseok opened the door after some time, wearing sweatpants only and blue-white hair hanging into his eyes, wet drops collecting at the tips and running down his nose. The toned pale body was also covered in tiny little drops. The other man was beautiful, more than beautiful.

Hyungwon didn’t even hesitate a second before he curled his arms around the familiar neck and jumped up, legs surrounding the warm but slightly wet body and face hiding away against the soft skin of the artist’s shoulder. The relief wasn’t complete but it was there, skin tingling at the contact and warmth seeping through his clothes. Maybe if he stayed like that for long enough, all the negative thoughts would just leave without him having to act on them?   
Hoseok had caught him while walking a step back to regain balance and placed a kiss on his cheek.    
  
“Is everything okay? Did something happen?” The beautiful man curled his arms around his waist and roamed over the lower back slowly. Hyungwon shook his head violently against the warm skin and hoped it was believable. There was no way that he could tell Hoseok about meeting his ex-boyfriend at the studio. Usually he didn’t keep secrets and didn’t see the point of not saying facts as they were, but Hyungwon had seen the tension in Hoseok’s shoulders on Monday and on Thursday. It had remained despite time passing and their closeness varying. There was no way that he desired to make those return and weight him down. Hoseok would just say that it was okay again and that he could take it, even if he suffered and hated everything and everyone due to it. 

_ Don’t tell him, Hyungwon. _

Instead of using words he simply curled his arms tighter around the neck and pulled himself a little higher with the legs around the other man’s hips, getting into a more secure position.   
  
“You came here at almost midnight without further notice and you immediately attached yourself so you better tell me what happened? Did I do something? Are you stressed?” Hoseok obviously didn’t believe him, the behavioral pattern was too far off. 

_ You need something believable, Hyungwon. Something that you are worried by and that is enough to calm him down. _   


“Do you like breaking borders, Hoseok?” his mouth asked instead, as if he had absolutely no brain-mouth coordination, thoughts just moving through unfiltered and ruining his already lacking ability to pretend emotions. It was dumb but he couldn’t help it, long fingers digging into the skin a little more with each word. He could still talk about something else after receiving an answer. He needed to know whether he was really keeping Hoseok from everything that he enjoyed and that was an inherent part of his personality. That’s what Changkyun had said.

_ And Changkyun knows him better than you do. _ __  
__  
“I wouldn’t call it breaking. I want to test out the borders yes, but there is a limit to everything am I right? I respect limits, especially personal limits, like with you. Are you afraid I might do something to you that you don’t want? I won’t ever do that, I respect your borders, Hyungwon.” Hoseok got more quiet towards the end of his answer, fingers digging into his thighs. 

Hyungwon shook his head slowly. That wasn’t the problem at all. He wasn’t worried about Hoseok just going ahead and breaking his rules and borders because if that had been the goal the other man would have already done that from the start. The question was rather whether he would be happy while keeping them. Would he feel satisfied living like that? Constantly denying himself just because of Hyungwon’s fear?

_ You would be holding him back and if he’s unhappy it would be solely your fault. Because you know. _

“I’m not worried about you doing anything I don’t want. It’s just- are you fine with me barely contacting you? I’m trying and I write messages and I even reply with that laughing and crying smiley too although I am not quite sure what it means, but it appears that you like it, so I use it. Is it enough to just get a few calls in which I tell you random facts? We haven’t made an appointment to meet up yet and I hated it because I wanted to see you so I just came. That’s why I’m here and I’m such a mess because- well actually I’m not a mess. I’m fine.” Hyungwon talked without a break, all of it against Hoseok’s shoulder and partially muffled by the naked skin against his lips. 

He hadn’t wanted to talk about his worries, not like this when Hoseok would merely convince him that it was okay. There was no way of finding out the truth because no matter whether it was identifiable from the other man’s facial features or not, Hyungwon would never be able to tell. He would never know whether Hoseok was okay or not, unless he finally broke the border himself and set him free.

_ Maybe the problem will disappear if you remove the border yourself? _

Hoseok walked over to the kitchen and placed him on the counter, leaning back a little and catching his gaze.    
  
“I’m greedy. I told you from the start that I am very, very greedy so I end up wanting a lot of things from you, I don’t want the cherry, I want the whole cake! The only reason for not pressuring you to give it to me is the fact that I am not the right person for you. In my opinion at least, I am the opposite of what you like and of what makes you comfortable.” The other man exhaled sharply and licked his lips before returning his gaze to Hyungwon’s eyes. “But, I love you, so I can’t stop. I can’t stop unless you explicitly tell me to.” 

_ Is he saying that the only one who can set him free is you? With the word ‘stop’?  _

Hyungwon breathed in slowly, watching the artist’s dark eyes and forcing himself to return the contact instead of letting his gaze slide towards the lips or the silky strands of hair, still wet after a shower.

“But I thought we talked about you being or not being the right person for me. Why does everybody think that you aren’t perfect for me? To me you are perfect and this frustrates me so much. Why can’t you just agree or have proper arguments that make sense to me? I work on emotions and rationality, never both. With you it’s emotions so I can’t do anything else except for attach myself to you and feel at ease, that’s just what my body does. What makes you think that I would be better off with someone else? What kind of someone else? Aren’t you rather saying that you would be better with someone else who doesn’t create constant rules for you to bump against? Instead of someone who restricts what you do and wish to do although the one thing you want the most is freedom. I-” Hyungwon stopped talking, burning sensation taking up his throat and not letting words leave his lips, eyes stinging a little and chest constricting painfully. He hated words and they never meant anything, but thinking of how Hoseok constantly desired freedom but Hyungwon was the one who kept him from it, forcing control on him while he himself just let go, was unfair. 

_ You are unfair. _

“Me? You think I want to be with someone else? Are you blind?” Something in Hoseok’s expression changed and he put more distance between their bodies, hands sliding down Hyungwon’s thighs.    
  
“Why the fuck do you think I’m all nice and don’t call you and don’t pressure you and don’t tell you how you not recognizing me in the morning feels like? Or how I thought I was dying while you sat on me, or why I don’t just bend you over this fucking counter? Well fine, it’s an E for effort I guess.” Hoseok looked so different, gaze narrowed and eyes dark and sparkling with something that wasn’t lust. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the words, barely capable of returning the intensity with which the dark orbs focused on him. His heart hammered loudly in his ears and his whole body burned painfully with the inability to read the situation and his own emotional instability. The burning in his eyes increased the longer he returned the gaze until it finally spilled over, but still Hyungwon wasn’t capable of breathing in oxygen, air stuck in his throat.

“Why- why are you doing that to yourself, Hoseok? Why are you letting me hurt you like that? I’m so horrible to you and still you are with me. Won’t you be unhappy?” he whispered, fear lacing into every word and hands grabbing Hoseok’s tightly, afraid that if he didn’t the other man would disappear and he would break, unable to handle the rejection.   
  
Hoseok exhaled harshly and threw his head back without making a sound, which was pretty unusual considering the groans that had left the other man’s mouth when he had been angry and threw his head back. The intense eyes returned after a couple of seconds, staring right into his soul.    
  
“Because for some fucking reason I want something I can’t have. I want you. I want the whole cake, although I could have something else. I don’t even know how to deal with all those rules. I’m trying to become that safe haven you were talking about but I’m nowhere near, Hyungwon. And don’t tell me I am, it’s not true.” Hyungwon’s lips parted at the wish to tell Hoseok he was wrong, but he stopped at the way the fierce gaze met his.

_ But why does he wish to be with you if you are ruining everything? _

“But why do you want something that ruins your attractive and outgoing personality? Someone who is the epitome of those borders that you want to blur so much? I love you, Hoseok and I’d die without you, but I fear that you will hate me over time.” The desperation only got worse as he pulled Hoseok closer by the hands, legs curling around the firm hips with the constant fear of losing the one person he cared about the most because of his words. “Do you wish to be set free of me?”   
  
“Hate you? No, I might be angry at you, but I heard it’s not a bad thing, Changkyun loved it.” Hoseok licked his lips and looked at his thigh for a couple of seconds before returning the gaze. “I will set myself free if I feel like anything confines me. I told you, you can’t break me and you can’t restrict me,” the beautiful man whispered. The gaze looked intimidating and dangerous, not the way Hoseok had normally looked. Another tear broke through the surface pressure and rolled down his cheek and Hyungwon couldn’t help but hate himself for his overly emotional reactions to everything.

“He said I’m killing everything that’s good and free about you,” he whispered and swallowed down more tears, staring at the way his hands rested on Hoseok’s and he had subconsciously begun pressing down in a regular pattern. He was hyperventilating a little and bit his lip to hold the air in and calm down but it wasn’t really working, words of how he just broke everything and kept Hoseok from what really mattered to him repeating in his head.

_ You keep thinking that everything is fine because you never realize when it’s not. Just because Hoseok didn’t tell you all the things he did to give you space, you didn’t even suspect anything. You’re always fucking oblivious, Hyungwon and if he would get hurt you wouldn’t know. _ __  
__  
Hoseok leaned back and stared at him, surprise visible on the soft features.   
  
“He? Who is he? I am the only one who can decide whether you kill anything and whether it’s something that I want to happen or not.” The low voice sounded stern but a hand went up to his face wiping away a tear. “Fuck, don’t cry, how am I supposed to be angry like this?” 

Hyungwon just cried more because whenever someone mentioned that he cried it just made him more aware of the fact that he was and that there was a reason to cry and then that reason just kept repeating in his head until he couldn’t stop his tears anymore and just sat somewhere letting all of them run down his face. He hadn’t wanted to tell Hoseok anything but now he did, because he could never hide from the one person he was attached to.

What the hell was he supposed to do when Hoseok was the person that he opened up to?

“Someone. He knows you so well and he said that you really need sex and then there is me who keeps you from it like a selfish asshole that doesn’t give a shit about what you want and takes away your outgoing personality that doesn’t let itself be restrained. You hate routines and borders and aren’t somebody that can be fit into one so you’ll just smash it because I’m the epitome of a border and you should be hating me. I’m hiding behind somebody who was treating you badly and am not any better for making you suffer like this. Oh my god, Hoseok, I’m so sorry for doing all of this to you. Why are you letting me? Don’t, don’t let me hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I want you to be happy and have this smile that I drew where your mouth corners curl up beautifully and I can’t tell whether you tattooed the crescent moon or your eyes on my under arm.” Hyungwon continued sniffing and just said everything that came to his mind, trying to explain himself and hoping that it made sense in the blur that was his mind. He had to do something so that Hoseok wouldn’t be so restricted all the time.

The artist removed his hands and walked out of the kitchen without any further comment, leaving him behind on the counter. He panicked, slipping down and running after him, breath getting stuck in his throat at the possible reasons for the other man to escape his grasp. Him leaving had been exactly what Hyungwon had feared the most.   
  
Instead of disappearing the other man got his phone and was pressing it against his ear, breathing heavily and with his eyes closed, until they opened suddenly and an exhale left the beautiful lips.   
  
“You.” The other man paused. “The thing about wanting to be friends.” Silence filled the room again. “I’m taking it back, don’t even think about it,” the low, dangerous voice almost hissed and Hoseok hung up, throwing the phone on the couch and closing his eyes again. 

_ You just broke a friendship, Hyungwon. Because you can’t keep your mouth shut. _

He walked over to the blue-haired man, surrounding his right hand with both of his slim ones, head resting on the warm shoulder again and forcing his tears to calm down. This was more important. He had to fix it somehow.

“Hoseok, he- I know he means a lot to you. Don’t just do that. Why would he lie to me? Why would you punish him for telling me his opinion?” he asked carefully and pressed down his pattern, hoping that it might help Hoseok as well. When a few seconds had passed he loosened his left hand from the grip and let it slide into the silky but still wet hair, stroking along the scalp as he remembered the beautiful man enjoying.   
  
“I will do whatever I think is right, it’s not your business.” Hoseok turned his face and stared at him for what felt like a whole minute. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that, you don’t need to feel responsible. Just tell me, why the fuck do you still want to be with me? After all those meltdowns and uncomfortable situations. And don’t tell me you love me, love is not enough.”

Hyungwon let go of Hoseok’s hand and used his fingers to rub over his face, remove some of the salt water that had run down his cheeks mercilessly. He also let it slide over the slightly wet and naked shoulder, this time not because of the recent shower anymore. Hoseok constantly required so much self reflection from him although such decisions were always decided based on emotions without much contemplation. Hyungwon was never good at making well formed emotional decisions. Relationships were too complex to keep them rational and he never could the rare times he got involved.

He sighed and placed a kiss on the shoulder that he had leaned against, still letting his hands run through Hoseok’s hair and finally returning the eye contact. He was saying something serious so he had to make it come across as such.

“I’m happy outside of the meltdowns and uncomfortable situations. And sometimes I am even happy during the uncomfortable situations, so it seems to be good for me. I am not very good at self-reflection, Hoseok. My mind makes those decisions without my conscious control and they stay. I have chosen you as the person I care about the most and that’s how it is. I will be calling you whenever something is the matter, you will be the first person I want to see when I am hurt and you are the first person I want to see when I’m happy. If I could choose I would just let you live with me so you are always around me. I want to be with you and that’s just how it is, extra factors don’t change that,” Hyungwon explained and finally breathed out properly, emotions calming down a little and mainly forcing him to attach himself further. So he did, leaning against the warm shoulder again.    
  
“So you’ve chosen me, without conscious control,” Hoseok exhaled and kept standing, arms hanging down his body, not moving. It was strange, so Hyungwon lifted his head and glanced at him, rather worried.

“Well, choosing you as my main person happens automatically, but being with you is something I chose myself. I decided to date you because I wanted to and I still want to. The switch in main person was only recently. That’s why I started writing to you more because that’s what happens. I don’t really have anyone I am close with and that I talk to and you have become that one person. I hope it’s not too much for you. I am not really able to change that by myself, it just means I trust you and need you around.” Hyungwon wasn’t sure whether Hoseok grasped the concept of his main attachment person, but he hoped that the other man was okay with it even if he didn’t quite get it because Hyungwon couldn’t do anything about it even if he really wanted to. He just liked Hoseok the most.   
  
The half naked, beautiful man stepped back and walked over to the couch, sitting down and throwing his head back. Hyungwon followed, sitting down on top of his lap and grabbing his face with both of his palms, lifting it such that he could look at it and possibly also read the expression. He wasn’t very successful.

“What’s the matter, Hoseok? Why are you so down?” he asked carefully, keeping up eye contact but unsure about the emotions he saw.   
  
“Should I be happy after this conversation?” The eyes didn’t look dangerous or intimidating anymore, it almost seemed like resignation. 

_ Your answer must have disappointed him somehow. _

“Well, I told you that you are my person and you keep telling me that you want to be with me despite everything so I feel happy because I like you too much to let you go. So I feel happy right now because I missed you the past days and desired to see you which I am finally able to. In addition I have a short euphoric phase after crying so my body tingles and it’s rather optimistic about things. What can I do to cheer you up too? Did I say something to upset you? Maybe I just need to explain better?” Hyungwon tried to elaborate but wasn’t sure if he was successful. Hoseok tended to be rather complex with his interpretations of the things he said and only rarely did they correspond to what he really wanted to say. It was like a dangerous guessing game that could always result in hurt feelings.

_ But it’s worth it.  _

Hyungwon continued thinking what he could do to cheer the other man up, to give him something so that he would feel less down the way he did, less resigned. Maybe Changkyun was right after all and Hyungwon needed to let go of his damn shadow and just give Hoseok what he desired. Independent of his fear.

_ You need to stop making him suffer. _

“Do you want me to beg on my knees?”   
  
The other man’s eyes widened but nothing else happened as the brown orbs just kept staring a hole into his face for what felt like an eternity before a small smirk passed by the pretty lips.    
  
“No. I don’t want you to beg on your knees.” 

Hyungwon couldn’t help the way his lips parted in surprise at the switch in facial expression and words. The transition wasn’t quite clear to him, but he nodded quietly. There was something about Hoseok’s smirk that immediately did something to him, breathing pattern changing and warmth spreading in his body. The feeling was very familiar but usually he needed much longer to desire to do something about it. Unlike now.

_ He makes you want him in under 10 seconds, Hyungwon. _

“And what would you like me to do then?”   
  
“Nothing. There’s nothing,” Hoseok answered and leaned his head against the backrest again. Hyungwon hissed and bit his lip, hoping he wasn’t too obvious with his reaction in addition to the disappointment with the answer. His hands reached for Hoseok’s neck and he curled them around it properly, pushing his body closer without letting his groin touch the other man too much.

“You can’t just give me that smirk and then say there is nothing you would like me to do,” he murmured into Hoseok’s right ear and played with the blue hair at his nape.   
  
The gaze returned and the other man tilted his head to the left, licking over the red lips slowly.    
  
“It’s because there are only things I want to do to you.” 

Hyungwon gasped, body freezing shortly as his brain went places, more specifically very verbal places that Hoseok had told him about during several occasions already.

“Shit, why don’t you just do them then?” he hissed and closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Hoseok’s shoulder and trying to think about everything except for the images that occupied him the past three days. “It was my own conscious decision but I can’t forget the way it felt, Hoseok.”   
  
“I’m sorry about that, normally the point is moving so you skipped the best part.” The voice kept getting lower and more breathy. Hyungwon shivered at the way the words slipped right along his chest to his lower body, fueling wishes and desires he usually suppressed, at least mostly.

“Then why didn’t you just say ‘yes’ when I asked if you want me to beg, fuck,” he whispered and whined a little, giving up and pushing his crotch against Hoseok, hissing at the way it sent spikes through his limbs, but those were weak compared to the way the other man was able to make him feel. He knew that and it made it so much less satisfying.   
  
“Because the point is you being so desperate that you don’t want anything else, not me wanting you to beg. I’ll decide if the begging is desperate enough.” He could feel Hoseok’s erection twitch under him at the words. Shit, the whole thing was already spinning out of Hyungwon’s control and his body seemed to give much less fucks about his resolutions than it had previously, every bit of contact not enough to set him on fire yet.

_ Even if you beg it might not be enough for him, Hyungwon. You have to mean it. Every little word. _

“Can’t you do what you desire to me then? You said you had so many things you wanted to do to me. I want you to do them all,” he whined, voice much breathier and lower than he remembered it sounding. His hips pressed into Hoseok’s stomach repeatedly as if he needed the contact to stay alive, hands holding on tightly and scratching over the naked shoulders and skin. It was the same situation. Hoseok only in sweatpants and unwilling to give Hyungwon what he desired.   
  
“Undress and sit on my lap,” Hoseok hissed at him, biting down on the pierced lip. Hyungwon mirrored the action, biting down on his own and wishing that he could feel the piercing with his tongue instead of watching it from afar. Then he fucked his hesitation and leaned forward, catching Hoseok’s mouth in a heated kiss and licking over the ring repeatedly, loving the way it felt against his lips, memory not doing it any justice.

_ He is amazing, Hyungwon. You don’t even consider whether it is problematic before throwing yourself at him like this. You better keep yourself away from thoughts, they only scare you. _

“Can’t I go to the bathroom first? I really fucking hate interrupting your ministrations and getting my brain back in the middle of dying,” he murmured desperately and pressed their lips together again, hating every second without contact that he had to take. His hand slid down and stroked over Hoseok’s toned stomach.   
  
“Feel free.” The other lifted an eyebrow along with the corner of the red lips and it was already enough to make a random person hot and bothered with the way the expression turned so incredibly sexual in a matter of seconds. Hyungwon froze, licking over his lips nervously at the way those eyes captivated him despite his desire to stand up.

“Shit,” he cursed and forced himself to slide off of Hoseok’s lap, legs shivering a little at the strain and the desire to remain where he was. “Separating now better be worth it, fuck.”

_ Why are you talking so much, Hyungwon? _

His brain kept desiring to express the intensity with which he wanted the other man independent of whether he considered it appropriate or not. He walked over to the bathroom quickly, ripping the tight clothes off of his body and throwing them to the ground carelessly. He had no fucking time for this shit and he was impatient. He wanted to stop thinking and the faster he was naked and on Hoseok’s lap the better.

_ Calm down, Hyungwon. What’s wrong with you? _

He didn’t know, but waiting didn’t make it any better so he hurried up, avoiding Hoseok’s shampoo religiously and only using the products he was familiar with before stepping out of the shower and drying himself sufficiently to not flood Hoseok’s apartment. It would have to do. The pressure was almost unbearable and the last time he had felt this way was when Hoseok had driven him to Jin and he had wished to jump the blue-haired man in his car instead.

Hyungwon took a look around the bedroom, not seeing Hoseok and feeling a little surprised about the lack of location change. However his brain didn’t give him a lot of time to think about that as he immediately walked back to the living room, seeing Hoseok just where he had left him and climbing over his lap in what felt like three seconds, legs firmly placed on each side of his hips and thin arms curling around his neck. He closed the distance between their lips, gasping into the kiss and leaving more along Hoseok’s jugular and neck.

“I have never been this impatient in my life,” he murmured, nibbling on the pale skin and watching it turn a little redder.   
  
“And I have never been that patient, it’s going to be fun.” Hoseok smirked into the kiss and let his hands lie on the couch instead of letting them touch Hyungwon’s body, how they were supposed to. 

“I am undressed and on your lap as you wished, why aren’t you touching me?” he asked after a few more seconds without contact and rubbed his hips over Hoseok’s lap, dissatisfied with the lack of body contact. He wanted to feel it all, to forget why he was there and what was happening around him, everything except for the way the warm hands felt on his body.

_ And the way he feels inside of you, Hyungwon. _

He froze shortly, thought catching him off guard but not becoming any less true, before rolling his hips again. He could feel Hoseok’s erection under his ass, covered by sweatpants only. The other man shifted a little, letting him feel everything he wasn’t able to feel before and placing one hand on his naked thigh, dark eyes burning holes into his own.    
  
“Because you should totally experience what that feels like to want something but not get it. I can play this game too.” 

_ Oh no. He’s going to make you suffer. Just like you let him suffer. You can’t win this, Hyungwon. _

He hissed at the realization, hand burning on his thigh and reminding him of everything it could have been giving him but didn’t, touch remaining simple and dissatisfying. Hyungwon rolled his hips again and moaned shortly at the way the firm erection felt against him, shit, he wished Hoseok wasn’t wearing any sweatpants in the first place, contact intense and driving him mad.

“But you don’t even need to do anything because I need this like air,” Hyungwon gasped out, lips remaining parted and focused on Hoseok’s face, searching for a sign of strain, something that he could have caught onto and worked with to get what he wanted.    
  
“You’re really cute, thinking that your current needs are the threshold. I could give you so much more, you wouldn’t be able to talk in the morning because your voice would be hoarse from screaming at me to give you more.” The way Hoseok had said it left no doubts that the other man knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Then make me scream until I’m hoarse,” Hyungwon hissed and let his hands run along Hoseok’s abs again, establishing some contact himself if a hand on his thigh was everything that he was getting. He wanted more, more warm skin and more spikes running through his lower body. “Show me what it’s like.”   
  
“I don’t know if I should.” Hoseok lifted the hand he had previously placed over Hyungwon’s thigh and slid his index finger down from his earlobe over the thin shoulder, rubbing over the nipple and down the long waist stopping right over his crotch. The pink, pierced tongue moved along the red lips while the gaze narrowed and became somehow darker, pupils dilating impossibly.

“Fucking please,” Hyungwon moaned and threw his head back a little, touch evoking a strong tingling sensation that rushed down from each spot that Hoseok caressed. His legs shook repeatedly at the lack of contact, erection twitching in anticipating but not receiving the attention Hyungwon wanted it to have. Fuck, at this point he would have been fine with any kind of attention, even the most basic. He wouldn’t have lost his mind completely but frustration was taking care of that perfectly. His hands remained on Hoseok’s chest and scratched over the firm pec muscles the longer the finger remained still on his skin. “Make me scream, Hoseok. Please.”    
  
The other man removed his hand and started licking his fingers slowly, almost painfully, twirling his tongue around the digits as if it was definitely not a finger, looking into Hyungwon’s eyes throughout the whole thing. 

“Shit,” Hyungwon cursed and looked to the ceiling, breathing frequency changing with every sound that reached his ears and auto completed the things he couldn’t see. The blue-haired man was out to crack him, to make him lose his composure even without pleasure there to guide him. There was no fear at all, just the familiar burning in his lower body that screamed at him to do something about it, so that the one screaming wasn’t the burning sensation anymore but him from the pleasure he felt. “This is torture. I want you so much and I’m not even numb with pleasure yet.”    
  
A wet finger slid along his shaft and down to the tip, not touching properly, just teasing with the light wet strokes. Hyungwon wanted to whine in disappointed but moaned at the sensation instead, biting down on his lower lip and staring at Hoseok, trying to comprehend how someone so impatient and previously so affected could be acting like this. Hyungwon wanted to see his facial expression when he was inside of him again, impossibly aroused and barely holding himself in check.

“Hoseok, you can’t just rim me and fuck me with three fingers and then expect me to be fine with slight caresses of my dick, fuck. I’m dying,” he muttered and pushed his hips upwards in reflex, trying to increase the touches but it didn’t help.   
  
“I can and I’m pretty sure you know.” The fingers curled around his length tightly but didn’t move a bit. “I’m looking forward to you losing your mind.” 

“I’m already losing my fucking mind. Wasn’t this enough teasing?” Hyungwon whined and rubbed his hips over Hoseok’s erection, hoping to change the other man’s motivation somehow. Anything to make him more affected and thereby more susceptible. Maybe Hyungwon just had to jump him himself? Take him into his mouth and undress him?

He hissed at the way Hoseok held his dick in a tight circle and reached down to pull at the waistband of the other man’s sweatpants, desperation taking over.   
  
“Want to feel my dick against your ass? You might lose your mind faster like that,” the other man whispered into his face, smirk in place and lips wet from the repeated movements of the addicting tongue.   
  
_ Inside, Hyungwon. You want it inside. _

He didn’t answer and just nodded furiously, nails scratching lightly at the skin of Hoseok’s stomach, wishing for the sweatpants to just disappear into nothing. His vision already begun singling out Hoseok independent of outside visual input, blurriness turning everything into an unclear mixture except for the man below him, smirk and dark eyes cutting through his hazy mind easily.

_ Why don’t you just beg, Hyungwon? Maybe the torture will be over? _ __  
__  
Hoseok grabbed his thighs and stood up, letting him slide down over the prominent erection until his feet touched the ground. Removing his arms he pulled at the seam of his pants without taking them off, just showing Hyungwon the v-line and prominent veins going down to the crotch that was still clothed.    
  
Hyungwon didn’t want to stand, he wanted to sit on Hoseok’s beautiful erection, which he still couldn’t see because the other man was still dressed instead of undressing, which is what he had wanted to do, but still didn’t. He lost his patience and closed the distance, digging his long fingers under the waistband and pulling the sweatpants to the ground, looking up to meet Hoseok’s gaze and breathing out against the firm erection once. He couldn’t resist and curled a hand around it, loving how warm it felt in his hand before pushing against the other man’s chest to make him sit down on the couch again, so he could feel it the way he wanted to.   
  
Hoseok just let out a low chuckle, lifting his arms behind his head and smirking.    
  
“I love the desperation on your face.” Hyungwon rolled his eyes, unwilling to have the discussion and preferring actions over words. He sat down on Hoseok’s lap and sighed at the way the naked skin felt against his, almost delirious at having his wish at least partially fulfilled. The thighs were firm and just as he remembered, pale skin in contrast with his own rather golden skin and impossibly warm.

“I told you that words mean nothing to me, but here you are just giving me your words that you’ll make me scream instead of actions,” he hissed and rolled his hips once, moaning shortly at the way it felt. Fuck, he really wanted to feel as full as he had last time. Just like that.

_ You can still beg. _ __  
__  
Hoseok reached behind himself and got a bottle of lube out, coating his fingers as if it was the most natural thing to do. After the digits were completely covered he looked up, catching Hyungwon’s gaze.   
  
“Want to scream into my face?” 

“Let’s see if you can make me,” Hyungwon answered, biting his lip and knowing perfectly well that the answer was ‘yes’, but he wanted to challenge Hoseok, to make him act and give him what he wanted, to finally get the blissful pleasure that he kept desiring without a break, body already shivering at the strain of not just throwing himself at Hoseok and begging on his fucking knees.   
  
Hoseok just put on a knowing smile, reaching under him and sliding a digit in, without curling it. Hyungwon’s lips parted at the sensation, loving the intrusion but not feeling the liquid fire he kept waiting for. He panted harshly, eyes shut and waiting for the pleasure that didn’t come, thoughts still relatively coherent and orderly in his head. He hated it. He hated the coherency.

“You dick,” he hissed, unable to keep himself from insulting Hoseok, frustration taking up new levels and body shivering without the onslaught of pleasure it was expecting.    
  
“How does it feel like if it doesn’t move?” Hoseok hissed back before curling the finger and hitting the sensitive spot roughly. Hyungwon screamed, right into his face as his body convulsed at the feeling and he barely held himself in place, hips trying to push down and feel more. The delirium hit him almost instantly, blurriness taking up everything around him except for the dark eyes, staring at him intently and the way Hoseok’s finger felt inside of him.

“Fuck, it’s, full, really full and I can’t think and you don’t have to do anything and I feel pleasure because you just take up so much space and-” Hyungwon gasped, words just leaving his mouth at the memory and the attempt to put the feelings into appropriate words, unable to do the perceptions justice. “I want you to do it again, it felt amazing.”    
  
“I won’t do it again though,” Hoseok hissed again, adding another finger and curling the free arm around Hyungwon’s waist. It was impossible not to react, body immediately turning limp shortly before tensing each time the other man stabbed the sensitive spot inside of him. It was barely possible to even listen to the words Hoseok was breathing out, voice low and sending even more shivers through Hyungwon’s legs. The sensations were overwhelming and he dug his hands further into Hoseok’s shoulders to stay in place, to help in addition to the strong arm around his waist that stabilized him.

“Why not? It felt like you could have made me orgasm dry just from being inside of me, fuck you could probably do it like this if you don't touch my dick. Fuck, I want you so much. Can’t you just fuck me like I know you want to?” It was getting more difficult to filter and Hyungwon just pushed his lower body further into Hoseok’s fingers, hoping the other man would have mercy on him and not torture him any further. “Shit, fuck me, Hoseok.”   
  
The blue-haired added the third finger, hitting the spot again and leaned in, breathing into his ear.   
  
“I know that you want it. I know that my dick feels much better than this. I saw it on your face, but I won’t give it to you like this.” Hyungwon whimpered at the words before screaming again, fingers stealing his thoughts and broadening his delirium. The pleasure was intense, fire burning along his veins instead of blood, but still it couldn’t compare to the way he had felt. He wanted more, he wanted to feel the other man and the only way was to beg, but he couldn’t beg, not like this. It was so difficult to breathe with the way his whole body burned up.

“Hoseok, I-” It was impossible to pronounce the words, head just falling forward against Hoseok’s shoulders as his hands lost more of their tension and he just screamed against the pale skin instead.    
  
Suddenly it felt empty, Hoseok had just removed his hand and leaned back watching him intently. Hyungwon struggled to catch his breath, hot air leaving his lips and brushing against Hoseok’s chest, some goosebumps spreading over the pale skin at the sensation. He tried to focus on it to escape the burning in his body, the desire to scream at the other man, but this time to continue or to fuck him already.

_ You have to beg for him to do that, Hyungwon. You have a deal. _

He couldn’t help the slight anger he felt at his own desperation, unable to act himself and free his body from the lack of pleasure. Couldn't he just take the lube himself and sit down on the other man? Did he have to explicitly ask for it? He couldn’t have done it. The fear would have had enough time to return and he didn’t want it to. He just wanted to let go, completely.

Hyungwon sucked in another deep breath and lifted his head, focusing on the dark eyes of the beautiful blue-haired man, pupils impossibly dilated and lips wet from the way he constantly licked over them. Hyungwon glanced at the way his knees were positioned, one on each side of the other man’s hips.

“Does this count as kneeling?” he whispered without breaking the eye contact, lips parted and chest rising and falling repeatedly. There was a sweatdrop on his forehead and he could feel it running down past his eyebrow.   
  
“Let me hear what you have to say and I’ll think about it.” Hoseok’s breathing was hitched, strain getting more visible from the way the muscular chest kept moving, and the teeth that sunk down into the red bottom lip. 

“Fuck me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered before pausing for a few seconds. “Fill me up, show me what it’s like. Do that one thing you constantly tell me about and that I want to feel since you mentioned it the first time. Fuck me up and make me scream. Wipe fucking surfaces if you want to, but fucking do it.” He bit down on his plump lower lip, breath hitching in anticipation and still unable to look away.   
  
The other man’s pupils dilated at the words, sharp exhale leaving his lips and fingers digging into Hyungwon’s thighs.    
  
“Again." 

Hyungwon gasped, body burning and fingers tightening in the pale skin that they were attached to.

“I told you to fuck me, Hoseok. To set me free completely, to make me lose my mind with the way you feel inside of me. To show me whether everything you said it true. Do it.”   
  
Warm hands slid up and down his waist while Hoseok’s gaze followed, looking over his body hungrily.    
  
“Tell me one more time, so I know that you mean it.” 

_ Three times, Hyungwon. The deal was three times. _

He moaned at the way Hoseok’s eyes were eating him up, impatient and rolling his hips shortly, still holding the gaze and fascinated by the way in which the pupils continued changing, darkening with each passing second. A second that the other man was still not not inside of him.

“For fuck’s sake, just fuck me already, Hoseok before I lose it without you having done anything,” he exclaimed and pressed his body closer, lips only mere centimeters away from Hoseok’s and harsh breaths mixing between them.

_ Now you can’t take it back anymore, Hyungwon. _

 

  
***   
  


  
Hoseok stared at the beautiful man on his lap, telling him to finally fuck him for the third time.   
  
_ He’s not delirious and he said it thrice. Enough is enough. _ __  
__  
Still Hoseok didn’t want to throw the other into the hell pit immediately. His size was no joke and Hyungwon had to get used to it first, sitting down on him was the best choice. His head spun and the breathing got so much more difficult, words getting pressed out instead of being said nonchalantly as intended.   
  
“Lube it and sit down.” 

The other man sucked in a breath harshly, breaking the eye contact for the first time since the repeated request. He glanced down towards Hoseok’s erection and licked over his lips before nodding slowly. The pink tongue wet his lips another time as he took the lube and squeezed some right onto Hoseok’s dick, running his long fingers along it to spread it properly, appearing concentrated and still in his right mind.

“Okay?” he asked just like last time as he smeared the rest of the lube over his thigh and rested his hands firmly on Hoseok’s shoulders.   
  
“I’ll be fine, let’s see how you can take it.” He slid his palms over the thin waist, getting drunk on the golden, inked skin shimmering in the light of his designer lamp, the beautiful lean body that was about to sit down on him. “Do it slowly.”

Hyungwon nodded and lifted his hips, chewing on his lower lip, obviously nervous despite the way he had requested it repeatedly.

“Just- don’t make me faint immediately, okay?” he asked carefully, as he curled his index finger and thumb around the base of Hoseok’s dick to line it up with his entrance. The way the the teeth rested on the plump lower lip looked almost painful. “I feel like I might just die.”   
  
“I’ll take care of you.” Hoseok looked up and hoped that Hyungwon got the sincerity behind those words. The lean man seemed to be convinced enough to close his eyes and sink down slowly, eyes opening immediately as the head entered him and he moaned at the sensation, pausing shortly for a few more harsh breaths before he continued, only stopping when his slim thighs touched Hoseok’s.   
  
It felt like electricity spiking through every cell of his body, repeating the sparks and leaving an intense tingling on his skin. Hoseok breathed out harshly before sucking in a desperately needed breath.    
  
“Holy fuck, you feel outworldly,” he whispered, hands clutching onto Hyungwon’s slim sides. The black-haired didn’t reply, just inhaling and exhaling in a quick rhythm and burying his nails in Hoseok’s shoulders, keeping himself in place.

“I can’t think,” he murmured and finally lifted his gaze, cheeks colored and pupils completely blown. The way Hyungwon looked was hard to describe, it was as if he was glowing from the inside, as if a whole moon was placed inside the lean body, making it shine, beads of sweat, like pearls reflecting the light and making him seem so much more ethereal. The arm with the moon cycle was resting on his shoulder.    
  
“Don’t think, move.” Hoseok slid his hands down the smooth back and stroked along the firm butt. The brown eyes widened and Hyungwon stared at him.

“You- you want me to do it? But I can barely keep myself up even without you moving, Hoseok. How do you expect me to do that?” he mumbled and it was visible how he shivered each time he moved a little, lips parting to release quiet moans.   
  
_ He wants you to do it. Carefully. _ __  
__  
Hoseok was very thankful for having his feet on the ground properly and for the fact that his couch was soft and gave space for movement. He shifted a little, leaning in and cupping Hyungwon’s lean ass, sliding back his hips partially and thrusting in without force. Hyungwon moaned, scratching over his shoulders and keeping his mouth open as he glanced at him.

“Oh my god, I might actually die when you touch the spot. Fuck. What am I supposed to do then?” He sounded rather shocked, fingers still tight on Hoseok’s skin and not letting go.   
  
“Let me try, I won’t do it roughly.” Hoseok was basically dying to fuck the beautiful man against the wall, or counter, or mattress, or whatever surface was available, but the last bit of his mind told him it was a bad idea for the first time. He moved out half way again and slid back in moving Hyungwon’s body closer in the process, adjusting the angle. The black-haired shivered, thighs tightening around Hoseok’s hips just like the lean body itself tensed and a beautiful scream left the plump lips, eyes opening wide.

“Do it again, Hoseok. Fuck, do it again.”   
  
_ Bingo. _ __  
__  
He did, repeating the motion and letting Hyungwon’s body move along by using the hands on the other man’s ass. He was so impossibly tight, Hoseok was losing his mind. The movements made it so much worse, control slightly knocking into his consciousness from somewhere far away and not really accessible. The sounds that he was graced with increased in volume and intensity as Hyungwon began pushing back, hands holding onto his shoulders desperately and lips remaining parted. The black-haired threw his head back, expression of absolute bliss on his face as he shivered each time Hoseok pushed inside of him, body convulsing with pleasure. Hoseok wasn’t even going fast and still Hyungwon was barely conscious.   
  
“Let me try something else.” Hoseok stopped and grabbed the thin hips, standing up and taking Hyungwon along without separating. He needed to slip out to get into the new position so he placed Hyungwon on the bed carefully. “Lie down on your back.” Loose black strands were framing the beautiful face as the other man nodded, crawling a little further up and lying down, chest rising and falling repeatedly, covered with sweat drops.   
  
__ He is so fucking beautiful, holy shit, just hope that everything else doesn’t matter and he just stays with you.    
  
Hoseok got more lube and lined up, lifting Hyungwon’s lower body a little and pushing himself in slowly. The black-haired gasped, throwing an arm over his eyes and keeping his lips parted, exhaling slowly in order to relax.

“Shit, you feel amazing, Hoseok.”   
  
Hyungwon’s sensitivity was no joke so he had to be careful with his normally rough movements. He lifted one of the long legs and placed it over his shoulder before sliding out almost completely and gliding back a little faster than before to stimulate better. 

Hyungwon screamed and threw his head to the side, letting the arm that was lying over his eyes slide up to reveal wide eyes, shutting almost immediately as he attempted to press against Hoseok even further. He could feel how the slim body under him shivered at the whole movement. The black-haired kept glancing at him through half lidded eyes as he placed both of his arms above his head.

“Fuck me up, oh god. I love it,” he whispered and hissed at the slightest movement, even without Hoseok purposefully pressing against him.    
  
_ Show him what you can do. _ __  
__  
He used his hands to lift Hyungwon’s lower body up and thrust into him a little more roughly, holding the hips in place. Long fingers attached themselves to his hair and pulled harshly as the other man screamed again, head thrown to the side repeatedly, as if he didn’t know what to do with himself, eyes becoming completely unfocused and body turning a little more limp.   
  
Hoseok was going mad, not only because he was losing his mind because of the breathtaking feeling of finally being inside the other man, but also because it cost so much resources to stay composed and not just go all out, like he normally did. The fingers tightening in his hair didn’t make it any better, triggering his usual responses in addition to everything else that Hyungwon did.    
  
_ He’s a fucking wrecking ball of everything you love. _ __  
__  
After sliding in and out in a moderate pace and force for a little while and enjoying the way Hyungwon was reacting to every single move, Hoseok wanted to let Hyungwon feel everything once, moving out almost completely and trusting into him with force, holding the lower body up and leaning over the lean, beautiful man, while bending him a little. The reaction was otherworldly as Hyungwon screamed at the feeling before moaning and tensing his whole body for a few seconds just to turn completely limp, very similar to the way he reacted when he orgasmed. His eyes were wide as harsh breaths left his lips and he dug his hands into Hoseok’s shoulders, staring at him with disbelief and clenching around him repeatedly.   
  
“Are you okay?” Hoseok stopped and tried to get his breathing under control. Hyungwon kept staring at him as if the question had been strange as the slim chest kept rising and falling quickly and the muscle tension returned.

“Yeah- just-” The black-haired stopped talking and threw his head back again, brushing a few strands away from his face and revealing his forehead, lips red and fitting the color of his cheeks. “You kinda made me come like this- just- yeah.”   
  
_ Did he just dry orgasm, Hoseok? Holy shit, holy fucking shit.  _ __  
__  
“I’ll move out,” he whispered and smiled, it was already mind-blowing enough, he didn’t need to make Hyungwon extra uncomfortable by coming inside him. The eyes widened again and the handsome man shook his head quickly.

“What- why? It’s nice. Don’t.” Hyungwon seemed rather panicked, holding onto Hoseok’s shoulders again to keep him in place. “It just happens to me if I get stimulated without touching my dick, it doesn’t mean you have to stop!”    
  
Hoseok moved out and thrust in again, eyes not leaving Hyungwon’s, watching the impact intently and moaning into the beautiful face. The other let go of his shoulders immediately, hands falling limply next to his head. He screamed again, body curling up and pressing Hoseok closer with the leg that was over his shoulder.

“Kiss me,” he moaned as he glanced at Hoseok through his black bangs, licking over his lips and pupils completely blown, shivering with each minimal movement of Hoseok’s hips. His hot lips went directly for the plump red ones below him, sucking and licking on the pink tongue, his own sliding along the beautifully curved muscle. The way Hyungwon’s body reacted and shivered under him after every tiny movement made him lose his mind. Hyungwon made him lose his mind, he felt like the epitome of chaos, so beautifully intense and different.    
  
His free hand curled around the attractively straight erection, twitching in his hand with each thrust, as he slid his fingers along it, coordinating the strokes with the movements. Hyungwon had his eyes closed, just lips parting to release a scream or moans repeatedly as he threw his head back and forth, black hair looking beautiful against the black and white sheets.

“I’ll faint,” he murmured as he kept shivering and screaming at each thrust, voice already hoarse from all the noises he was making and legs spreading a little more. Hoseok didn’t even have to react as Hyungwon’s body convulsed only a few thursts later, releasing into his hand after tensing up and turning completely limp afterwards, eyes remaining closed and body resembling dead weight.   
  
Hoseok used the limpness to slip out and grab the tissues from the night table, cleaning them up and letting himself fall next to Hyungwon. Leaning over the motionless body he slid his index finger over the sweat covered forehead.    
  
“Are you okay?” he whispered into the small ear, watching how the chest rose and sank repeatedly. Hyungwon opened his eyes slowly and seemed a little disoriented, turning towards Hoseok’s voice and staring at him for a few seconds before his eyes widened.

“You made me faint after all,” he murmured and reached out for Hoseok’s chest, curling his arms around his waist. “That means I haven’t made you come yet. But I want to.”   
  
_ He fainted? Oops. _ __  
__  
“Just touch me,” Hoseok moaned right into his face, tension eating up everything else. Hyungwon frowned a little, but complied, curling his long fingers around the painfully hard erection.

“But how is this different from what we usually do? I thought you would finally benefit from a proper orgasm,” the black-haired commented and let his hand slide over the whole length, thumb rubbing over the tip repeatedly.   
  
“The difference is that I was inside you and it felt like heaven and holy fuck, how am I supposed to forget it now?” Hoseok was a moaning mess, long fingers ripping the composure out of his grip, hips thrusting into the hand intuitively. The brown orbs widened at the comment and the hand tightened a little further around him, but resumed the rhythm quickly enough, sliding smoothly over the whole length.

“But I thought you would just come inside me.”   
  
“Next time, I’ll also show you how I’d normally do it.” Hoseok groaned and curved his spine releasing himself after what felt like a whole year of celibacy. Hyungwon just took his hand and licked over the fingers calmly as he appeared in thought.

_ Will you ever get used to him being the epitome of a wet dream? _

“You mean that’s not how you do it normally? What is different?” he asked and licked over the last two fingers, crossing his arms behind his head and exhaling slowly. Calming his breathing, Hoseok cleaned the rest and turned around, facing the beautifully fucked out Hyungwon who just looked like everything he had ever wanted in life.   
  
_ The chaos. _ __  
__  
“Well normally I give less shits, but you’re so sensitive and you also told me you might faint and die so I was very careful.” He smiled and stroked over the other man’s tattooed arm. “And also the thing with throwing objects and wiping surfaces and stuff, I’ll show you some day.” 

The slim chest kept rising and falling as Hyungwon tried to calm down, eyes remaining closed but smiling at the way Hoseok stroked over his arm. 

“Fuck my life,” he murmured. “You wanted me to crack, didn't you? You can be pretty scary, Hoseok.”

_ You are pretty scary.  _

“I am scary, Hyungwon, you just didn't realize yet, that's why I keep telling you to think thoroughly whether I'm the person you want to be with.” He brushed a black strand behind the small curled ear.    
  
“You might be scary, but still you tell me that you will take care of me and you do each time. So why would I have to think about it?” The lips spread into a wide smile and Hyungwon opened his left eye a little bit to glance at Hoseok before closing it again and appearing blissfully calm. “I feel a little weird, but I guess that was to be expected. I'm already happy that I'm not panicking or screaming or something similar.”

“It's because I'm absolute trash for you, but I can't change my personality overnight so I might rip your heart out accidentally. Not literally of course.” Hoseok chuckled remembering the bathtub full of money and the bucket of coffee. “Have you always been like this? I mean hating change, being this sensitive?” He raked a hand through the silky black strands, still a little wet from the sweat. 

Hyungwon appeared to think about that, opening his eyes and glancing at the ceiling, fingers playing with the pillow under his head. 

“Well, I have definitely been like this from the start when it comes to change but I don't know about the sensitivity since I didn't figure that out before the age of seventeen. So I can't really answer that.” Hoseok started laughing at the misunderstanding. 

“I meant the way you react, you react sensitive to things, like sitting down and holding your ears shut and stuff like that. I mean your sexual sensitivity is basically the best present for me, but I guess it was there from the start too.” He looked at the way the expression on the beautiful face changed depending on the words and the way Hoseok pronounced them.    


Hyungwon tensed at the descriptions, fingers pausing the way they played for a few seconds before resuming, but his facial features remained uncomfortable. 

“Ah, the meltdowns,” he murmured and placed his underarm over his eyes again. “They were always there, just way worse. I kinda learned to reduce them over time by not doing too many unexpected things and avoiding big changes. It had worked pretty well actually.” Meltdowns seemed to be one of the topics that Hyungwon disliked, easily visible from the way his whole body language changed and he curled up on himself a little, covering most of his face. 

“Do you hate talking about it?” Hoseok lifted the tattooed arm to get a glimpse at Hyungwon’s face. The black-haired let him but sucked his lower lip into his mouth. 

“It's the incarnation of everything that I hate about myself,” he murmured. “The one example for what it looks like when I really lose control and do things without being aware. It's terrifying and I can't help it.”

“I think it's really interesting because in my case I had a blackout twice, after Changkyun left and after he came back, that's it, but for you it seems to be something that happens a lot. It's it because of emotional overload?” Hoseok really wanted to know everything about it. It seemed absolute unique to him. 

“Well, not quite. It's more like…” Hyungwon trailed off, staring at the ceiling intently and looking for the right words. “It can be an overload of a lot of things, sensory because of bright lights, noises or sudden touches, emotional because of hurt feelings or a broken expectation. Most of the time it's like I have this cup of occurrences and it slowly gets filled with things that throw me off balance and once the last drop hits, forcing the liquid to spill over I get a meltdown. My brain shuts down for protection.” A strange smile appeared on his lips. “Just that it doesn't feel like protection at all.”

_ Makes sense.  _

“Yes, that's why I'm telling you, your brain tries to protect you from me but you keep insisting.” Hoseok slid a finger over the full lips, enjoying the way the soft skin moved under his touch. 

“But this is just the phase of a change. I'll stop having meltdowns once I get used to you,” Hyungwon spoke against his digit. 

_ It'll probably get worse cause your behaviour will get more ruthless.  _

“Do you know what I'm thinking? I mean my face is pretty expressive, do you have trouble differentiating my emotions? Because you said it's hard for you to think about your own.” The conversation went much deeper than Hoseok had intended, it just didn't make sense why Hyungwon wanted to be next to him. 

_ It still doesn't.  _

“Well, with you it's easier because I mirror them and therefore tend to feel them directly. Drawing also helps, but yes with other people it's really hard. I still don't know what Minhyuk is feeling most of the time unless he's annoyed with me. I had a long time to study Jin so I'm pretty good when it comes to him.” Hyungwon sighed like he couldn't help the frustration at the thought of his inability. “Let's be real, I can't fucking do it.”

“Wow. I bet people misunderstand you a lot don't they? With me it's the opposite, I don't like having a lot of people around because I feel every tiny little thing and it results in making me miserable.” Hoseok sighed too.

The brown orbs focused on his face and Hyungwon laughed suddenly. 

“Nature can never do anything right, can it?” He sounded cheerful. “But I can just be heartless when someone is mean to you and tell them off and you explain emotions to me.” 

“Let's see how it goes.” He curled his arms around the other man and pressed him closer, burying his face in the crook of the soft neck. Hyungwon returned the touch, giggling genuinely and curling his limbs around Hoseok’s body, wincing shortly when he threw his leg over Hoseok’s hips. 

“Oops. I'm sorry, my size is kinda…,” Hoseok murmured, a little apologetic. “But I can do a lot of nice things with it.” A grin spread against the warm skin. 

Hyungwon just stared at him blankly, blinking a few times and licking over his lips. 

“Why are you suddenly talking about your size? First I thought you meant your height and that you're a little short, but I guess you meant your dick. I'm confused. Why is your dick size relevant now?” he asked and glanced down between their bodies, obviously checking out Hoseok’s dick. “Is it uncomfortable?”

“First, I'm not short, you better not tell me stuff like that unless you want to beg ten times on your knees next time. For real. Second, aren't you sore? I mean- sure I didn't go all out but still.” 

_ You two should get the Oscar for best dialogue, seriously.  _

Hyungwon's lips parted in surprise and he nodded quickly. 

“I'm sorry, I just thought that because I'm taller. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. And right, I am! But I forgot it right after as soon as I stopped moving my legs. I don't really care.” He shifted his hips a little, wincing again but smiled right after and pulled Hoseok closer. “I'm smart. I took a toothbrush and a change of clothes. It's always in my backpack now in case this happens. I actually wanted to invite you over but then stuff happened so I didn't. I'm always prepared now, fuck yeah.”

_ He might be prepared now. But he'll never be fully prepared.  _

“I'm with you voluntarily now. As my contract is officially over,” Hoseok breathed against the prominent collarbone and kissed the tattoo on the other man's chest.

“And it wasn't voluntarily before? Did you date me because of the contract? Oh no, Changkyun said I pay you to be with me, but I'm not!” Hyungwon seemed shocked and gestured with his hands a lot. 

“I'll fucking kill him,” Hoseok hissed between his teeth and looked up. “It's not about the dating, I was just thinking whether we would have ended up together if I wasn't working for you, meeting on the rooftop and the elevator, the night in the hallway, all those things. I'm curious how it will work out now that I'm not on your surveillance camera anymore.” 

“Won't it just be like now? I'll miss you and pop by or plan a meeting two days in advance. And I'll eat dinner with you and send you random messages about experiences.” 

_ He wants you to become his routine. There's no way this is going to work, Hoseok. _

The other man continued talking, not paying attention to his face. 

“Oh, I wanted to ask you something. If a model asks whether they can have your shirt and wear the exact same shirt, what the fuck does that mean? She said she likes my tattoo right after and I had no idea what she wanted from me so I just pretended not to hear.” Hyungwon was fully submerged in his retelling of the events, rolling his eyes and gesturing with both hands again, legs remaining around Hoseok. 

“She wants to date you, or fuck you, or both. Probably both,” Hoseok answered absentmindedly. Hyungwon frowned as he liked doing, appearing a little disgusted. 

“But I'm gay. I only like men and even there I'm rather picky,” he murmured and buried his face in Hoseok’s neck, breathing in deeply. “I love the way you smell.” Then Hyungwon leaned back suddenly, taking a proper look at Hoseok’s face. It was like he was going through mood changes fitting to his thoughts. “How would  _ you _ like things to continue? After all I'm not the only one in this relationship. What do you want, Hoseok?”

“I told you that I'm chaos and you're telling me to become part of your routine. This will be a huge shit show.” Hoseok exhaled, not wanting to think about it much longer because it made him miserable. 

_ Because it's true.  _

“But if you don't want to become part of my routine then what do you want, Hoseok? I can't adjust if you don't tell me,” Hyungwon answered and he looked a little hurt, nibbling on his bottom lip. “You said something else in your text message.”

_ It's because you're such trash for him. _

“Listen to what I'm about to tell you, Hyungwon, this is very important. I love you okay? I love you so much that my trash brain wants to do everything for you to feel good, but it's a little like a sweet lie, the base is still my personality that won't change that fast, if at all. The things you want are pretty contradictory to what I like and what I consider comfortable so it's a paradox. I want you to feel good, but it will make me feel bad. It's not everything, but a lot of things. I might just explode and throw everything away, but you hate change so I can't do this to you. Oh god, my head hurts from all this, do you understand me?” Hoseok dug his fingers into Hyungwon’s shoulders, staring at the big deer like eyes. “Only because a bird and a fish love each other, doesn't mean that a relationship and happiness are possible to achieve.”

“But I don't want you to feel bad with the things I like,” the black-haired murmured and he seemed scared, hands shivering and eyes remaining opened wide. “Then what are we supposed to do to make happiness possible? It all sounded so easy when I read up on it. Everyone just watches movies and spends time with each other, sprinkling a healthy amount of sex on top and avoiding body contact from outside. Why can't we just do the same?”   
  
“You also feel bad with the things I like, Hyungwon, we are both like this, don’t you understand? I love spontaneous visits, I love surprises, I could go to a different city suddenly because I think it’s fun to change the surroundings. The way a sudden change in expectation throws every order over and creates a new picture? I live off things like that. I’m a person that is unhappy because I have to schedule the appointments in the tattoo studio, ask Hyunwoo. You’re the moon and I am the sea. We are as different as we could be, although I somehow think that we are connected. Not through the night back three years ago, just something about us is special, which is the reason for me to try everything that is possible so it works. But it will be a shitshow, let’s be honest here.” Hoseok stopped and thought about the reasons for not being able to move away from the other man although it would’ve been the easier thing to do. He had tried so many times already but failed. “I think you got me with the way you are losing control around me, that’s why I think you are chaos too.” 

Hyungwon watched him quietly, listening intently and biting his lower lip at the last sentence. 

“So you are only with me because of something sexual I give you? Something that I can't control and can't help?” he asked and the same hurt returned again, clouding the brown eyes. “I could never just move away like that, Hoseok. I'm bound in more ways than one. I can survive a surprise visit but I won't be able to take being pulled from my roots.”  
  
“Not to be that pathetic asshole that remembers every fucking thing, but considering my libido and my impulsivity I would’ve thrown everything away three weeks ago and found something that was easier accessible, if your words were right.” Hoseok exhaled and sucked in the intoxicating scent of cherry wood. “I want to be happy with all of this, but I don’t know if I can. Let’s see.” He placed a soft kiss against Hyungwon’s shoulder. “But there is no fucking way I’ll make appointments with you, I’ll die of frustration and will hate everything, don’t do this to me. I might just refuse to come or something on a similar scale. I’m trying to learn how to deal with you, but I’m afraid you have to learn how to deal with me too.”

“I won’t make appointments then, but please don’t force me to be the one who always wants to see you. I already came spontaneously so many times although it’s against my nature, but you never came to me, to the rooftop yes, but never to me,” Hyungwon replied and brushed his bangs out of his eyes again, letting go of Hoseok and stretching out his legs over the whole length of the bed instead. “Just come to me when you want to see me. I already do it all the time.”   
  
“I’d just live under your desk at your office but I hate the company and I have to work.” Hoseok chuckled and wondered how fucked up his libido was to thirst after Hyungwon barely twenty minutes after he had orgasmed.

“Ehm, but I don’t think there is enough space for my legs and you at the same time. And it’s not comfortable. You could be on the couch instead, then I could look at you instead of the Kandinsky painting. You’re more beautiful and I like your even more,” Hyungwon contemplated before freezing in place and turning to Hoseok suddenly. “Wait, why do you hate the company? There is nothing really detestable there. Well, at least I tried to keep everything detestable away. I built it up after all and it’s where I work. Oh, I wanted to ask you. Do you dislike my job? In porn everyone seems really up for fucking CEOs.”   
  
_ Everything is taken literally Hoseok, every-fucking-thing. _ __  
__  
“I just like to be free, to not owe anything to anybody. To be honest it was a major turn off when you came into my studio and told me you were the CEO. I was kind of intrigued before, but after you said it my libido was gone.” He grinned. 

Hyungwon glanced towards Hoseok’s crotch and lifted an eyebrow.

“I have difficulties imagining your libido to be gone considering how much emphasis you put on it. I didn’t care much before. If I felt tense then I got off and could continue doing what I was doing in peace. I guess it didn’t really matter.” He let his hand stroke over Hoseok’s thigh and exhaled slowly, eyes closing and lips parting a little bit. “What makes you feel free, Hoseok?”   
  
“I have a specific type though, I don’t jump just anyone, my standards are high.” He pulled the blanket up to cover up his body, freezing a little for some reason. “Anyway, you asked what makes me feel free? Independency. The ability to decide on things that I want without letting myself be biased by my infatuation with other people? Being able to draw?” A soft hand stroked over his head once, fingers gliding in between the strands smoothly as if they were made to do exactly that.

“Then don’t let yourself be biased, Hoseok. Why don’t you tattoo your drawings? I saw the difference immediately three years ago. The drafts on the walls didn’t tell me anything but the one sheet of paper on your desk did. It felt like all those arbitrary figures weren’t really yours and even now when I enter the studio the feeling remains. You tattooed me back then, why not anybody else?” Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip and licked over the spot that turned a little red from the abuse. He kept his hand in Hoseok’s hair but remained outside of the blanket, naked skin on display. “Except for Changkyun.”   
  
“Don’t know. That’s just how it is for now. Don’t let yourself be biased is not a very good advice, it’s like me telling you to stop being afraid of changes.” He let his eyes slide over the golden skin of the beautiful man next to him. He had to think of the moon eye he had drawn on the rooftop. “You’re beautiful, holy fuck.” 

“Thank you,” Hyungwon replied, but he seemed rather out of it, thinking about something intently and lifting his hand in front of his face, curling each finger in succession. “You’re right. Usually I am pretty good at listening to my own advice, but I never tell myself to completely change my ways. That’s probably impossible. Maybe you can make yourself reminders. Like ink on your bathroom mirror saying ‘You should draw what you want, Hoseok!’.”   
  
“I don’t want to think about it.” Hoseok brushed his bangs back and sat up on the bed. “You wanted to brush your teeth with the stuff you prepared, right?” He stood up and walked over to the bathroom, brushing his teeth furiously. 

He could hear how Hyungwon jumped up from the bed, appearing in the bathroom after a minute or two. He seemed excited.

“Yes! I got a lot of stuff that I might need so that I don’t panic tomorrow. It’s Saturday so I don’t even have to work, only visit Jin for dinner in the evening.” He took a black toothbrush and placed it next to the one he had used the past few times. Still grinning he also added a black towel and a few random bottles that Hoseok couldn’t recognize. He spread them around the sink and placed a few into the shower. “I’m excited.”   


_ Why does it feel so strange? _ __  
__  
He spit out the toothpaste, and looked at the foreign objects gracing his bathroom until a realization hit him unexpectedly.    
  
_ It’s the same as three years ago. Chaos coming and filling your space, only to rip it apart later.  _ __  
__  
Suddenly pictures of Changkyun filling his drawers with his personal things appeared in front of his inner eye and he felt uncomfortable looking at Hyungwon’s happy face, putting all the things in order.    
  
_ Why are you like this? You wanted him to be comfortable, so he does things that make him. Why do you feel so bitter about it? _ __  
__  
“I have a deja vu,” he couldn’t help whispering at himself in the mirror while Hyungwon was squeezing toothpaste onto his brush. The other man paused in the action and turned towards him, not seeing how the white paste fell from his toothbrush and landed on the floor instead, right next to his right foot.

“What deja vu?” Hyungwon asked curiously, coordination genuinely weird with the way the toothbrush tilted without the other man focusing on it. Hoseok crouched down and picked the paste from the ground, rinsing his fingers with warm water afterwards before looking up at Hyungwon.    
  
“The way you put your things everywhere reminded me of when Changkyun did the same three years ago.” He smiled shortly and left the bathroom, slipping into black sweatpants and walking over to the dark blue drawer in the living room. Opening the middle drawer where he still kept the drawings he created for his ex boyfriend he sat down on the ground and looked through them, eyes sliding over the lines and dots, pencil strokes and sometimes black ink, memorizing the details and wondering whether it was really him who had drawn it back then. 

After what felt like minutes he started ripping them in tiny little shreds, putting everything on one pile, watching how the paper ripped and the lines broke, motive unrecognizable and destroyed. It felt freeing somehow, as if he wasn’t able to breathe before, lungs finally able to process oxygen. After ripping everything he looked at the pile of paper to his left, different colors and shapes were mixing into each other, not identifiable and creating something different, something not perceivable, but it felt better like this, it felt chaotic. He liked chaos.

A sudden hiss sounded next to him as Hyungwon sank to his knees next to the pile, still naked and staring at him with wide eyes.

“What have you done, Hoseok?” he asked in shock, not focusing on the eye region but somewhere above, probably his eyebrows before shifting to the chaotic pile next to him. “Why did you rip them? I really don’t like him, but like this you’re ripping out a part of yourself, aren’t you?”   
  
He stood up and got a glass of water, gulping everything down in one go.    
  
“No, it’s fine. I didn’t feel as if I was in any kind of way connected to those.” He needed to sleep, most definitely, lack of rest had always resulted in very questionable decisions and courses of action. “Let’s go to bed, I’m really tired.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly, not saying a word and collecting the tiny shreds of paper in both hands, attempting to grasp them all, but some still slipped through the spaces between his long fingers. After a few attempts he finally held them in his arms and disappeared, bringing them somewhere.

“I couldn’t bear looking at them,” he explained quietly when he returned, before slipping under the blanket in the bedroom and staring at the ceiling, body stiff.  
  
“Can you kiss me? I feel like falling down from a building without a rope,” Hoseok whispered, not understanding why he felt as if a huge lump was stuck inside his throat, making his eyes and his lungs burn, but he knew that Hyungwon was there.  
  
The other man didn’t answer but Hoseok could feel how warm arms curled around him and pressed him closer to the naked body, long fingers moving along his back and shoulders to his head, pressing down lightly and impossibly affectionate. Hyungwon’s plump lips were close, hot air caressing his mouth but not quite touching yet. The hand slid down to the fine hair on his nape and back up again, petting the blonde-blue strands and intertwining them with his fingers before the beautiful man finally closed the distance between them and kissed him, cherry wood scent filling his nose.   
  
It felt just like the way Hyungwon had touched his hair and kissed him while he had lost his composure, sitting on the elevator floor.   
  
_He is able to pick you back up. This is the difference, he doesn’t create chaos and leave. He creates chaos and puts it back into order._   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The deal was finally fulfilled and they have some serious conversations :D
> 
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	21. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What kind of emotion do you think it is?"

It felt fulfilling somehow, opening his eyes and feeling rather calm despite the warm body lying on top of him. It wasn’t like the last times because Hoseok’s arms weren’t surrounding his waist and curling around him, but instead the blue and sand-colored hair lay spread out over his chest, covering a bit of his tattoo with a few thin blue lines and sleeping soundly, lips parted. The sight reminded Hyungwon of the blue moon that Hoseok had drawn, infusing the grey and black ink with its vibrant color. Just like in his drawing the blue strands of hair infused the forest, visible only through a binocular.

Organizing and spreading out his things had been a genius idea. Hyungwon had strategically placed one of his alarm clocks on the bedside table and it was almost the first thing he saw, calming down his nerves and therefore not pushing him out of his comfort zone. Everything felt familiar enough and there was no fear running along his fingertips.

_ You don’t even feel bad about having had sex with him, Hyungwon. _

He had feared that he would become addicted to the feeling immediately and desire a constant repetition, unable to control himself and letting go arbitrarily, begging Hoseok to take his thoughts away. Just like he had with his desire to lose control before, just that feeling of the other man inside of him had been much more intense than that, even forcing him to faint at the force of his orgasm. However, he didn’t feel uncontrolled or possessed by pleasure. Instead he was calm and perfectly fine, even without bodily contact. It felt more like the height of the pleasure had taken the edge off his limbs.

Hoseok’s head was rather heavy the longer they remained in their position and Hyungwon was wide awake and unable to fall asleep again, which meant he had to do something. It was Saturday and he only had to see Jin in the afternoon, but there were still a few things he had wanted to take care of, some of them requiring the man in his arms to be asleep.

He tried to be as careful as possible with the way he snuck his fingers under Hoseok’s head and lifted it a little bit to be able to slide to the side and let the beautiful blue hair spread over the white pillow instead. It felt a little unusual because his pillow was black, but the contrast was nicer. Maybe he could draw the way it looked after taking care of his business.

He stood up and brushed his teeth, using all of the stuff he brought and feeling mostly comfortable, only a few things not fitting into the picture, but he had been at Hoseok’s apartment often enough to deal with them. Once he finished his routine he walked over to Hoseok’s sweatpants from yesterday and looked through the pockets, not finding what he had been looking for.

_ Maybe he keeps it somewhere more accessible? _

He looked at the bedside table to see if the artist placed it there but also didn’t succeed. Finding it was more difficult than he had expected, so he created a mental plan of all logical places that a phone could be. It couldn’t have been that difficult after all. Hyungwon started by going through all the pairs of pants he could find, searching through all of the pockets without success. Then he tried the jackets in the hallway, sinking his hands into every leather jacket pocket, but also there Hoseok didn’t keep his phone.

Only when he had almost given up and threw himself on the couch, frustrated beyond belief that he hadn’t found it, he felt it against his hip, sensation cold and unpleasant but definitely Hoseok’s phone. He had seen the pattern of unlocking it a few times already so getting to the contacts was no challenge. The other man had a message from Hyunwoo, but it wasn’t relevant to Hyungwon so he didn’t bother checking it. After all Hoseok had to answer when he woke up. 

Scrolling through the list of recently contacted individuals Hyungwon immediately found the name of the black-haired and fully tattooed male and pressed the dial button, holding the unfamiliar device to his ear.

“Listen babe, I know that you change your mind every ten minutes but it's too fucking early okay?” the other man's low morning voice ripped through the speaker. 

“I’m not your babe, but I’m glad that you picked up the phone despite it being early. Where will you be today? I need to see you,” Hyungwon replied and closed his eyes to at least try to imagine the other man’s face. The voice didn’t tell him much, especially in such a rough and morning-like state that he had never heard it in. It was silent until the other man spoke again.

“Hyungwon, is it you? Why are you calling from Hoseok’s phone? Why would you want to see me? What's going on?” 

Hyungwon exhaled slowly through his nose, beyond frustrated at the way people always asked shitloads of questions instead of answering exactly one that he had asked. Answering all of them in sufficient detail would have taken too much time and Hyungwon desired to keep the call as short as possible. He hated phone calls.

“Yes. Because only he has your number. I have my reasons. I don’t know what’s going on because the question is too unspecific. Will you answer mine now? Where will you be today?” Hyungwon went through each question chronologically and hoped it was sufficient for the black-haired tattoo artist to answer properly and give him the information he required.

“Just tell me a time and let’s meet for a coffee,” Changkyun commented without answering his question. Hyungwon really wanted to punch something, preferably the other man so that he finally said the relevant few words.

“I don’t want to meet you for coffee. I just want to know where you will be today so I can go there. It’s not that hard. Where do you live, Changkyun?”

“Listen darling, why would I let you into my apartment? I don't want to. I'll be at the tattoo studio to draw but I don't know when yet. Write down my number and call me in two hours or something.” The other man was making everything extra difficult, so difficult that Hyungwon genuinely considered explaining his concerns.

_ Why does he tell you to listen when you are on the fucking phone with him? You can’t do anything else. _

“I hate other people and don’t want to meet you where there are others, so no coffee shop and I hate phone calls so I really don’t want to call you again and it is nothing personal. Can’t you just tell me where I can find you at specific times so I can avoid all of those things?” he requested and hoped he sounded nice enough for Changkyun to just do it. After all he had explained the problems at hand. 

“Holy fuck, are you autistic or something? Fine, let's make it noon at the studio,” the other man huffed and hung up. Hyungwon wouldn’t have been able to reply, even if he had wanted to, receiver frozen in his hand and breathing picking up quickly.

_ He figured it out. After a mere phone call, Hyungwon. You don’t seem to be doing as good of a job hiding it as you thought. _

He dropped the phone to the couch and exhaled, headache spreading along his temples and taking away his ability to concentrate. He had been doing perfectly fine until the other man decided to throw a fucking bomb at him, grabbing the ground and pulling it away from under his feet.

Instead of calming down on his own, Hyungwon returned to the bedroom, looking at the peacefully sleeping man under the blanket. Unable to resist he crawled back into bed and curled himself around Hoseok’s hot body, squeezing his eyes shut and hoping to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. 

_ Even if Changkyun was able to tell after the phone call, Hoseok hasn’t said anything. So maybe you aren’t that bad. _

“Are you okay?” Hoseok breathed against his shoulder and curled his arms around the thin waist. Hyungwon nodded before curling up tighter.

“Everything is great and waking up was totally fine and I felt calm and wonderful, but I just had a nasty phone call so I need a little bit of bodily contact,” he replied and hoped Hoseok could comprehend the fast flow of words. The other man had only woken up and probably didn’t expect a whole verbal novel instead of a ‘good morning’. 

“I couldn't fall asleep and looked at how you slept, like a creep. You're so beautiful, the moon was shining through the window, can you believe that? No clouds! And then you lay there with your golden skin and the red lips, moonlight all over your body. I drew you. I'll show you later.” Hoseok was also able to talk without a break before he probably realized what Hyungwon had talked about before. “What phone call? Touch my hair, I want you to touch it, your fingers feel really nice.”

Hyungwon smiled at the detailed description and couldn’t wait to see the drawing, almost forgetting about the phone call and the fact that the other tattoo artist had made him uncomfortable by realizing something after a few words instead of complex interactive situations or after seeing Hyungwon have a meltdown in the elevator at work, or at home.

“I really want to see the drawing,” he replied and let his fingers sink into the blue strands, closing his own eyes at the way it felt and how his muscles relaxed immediately. It was almost magical how the action kept its effect no matter how many times Hyungwon did it. “You look free when you are asleep. That’s why I also drew it before. I haven’t stopped yet and my work desk is basically a collection of variations of your face and its expressions.” Hyungwon focused completely on the sensation between his fingers and loved how everything else blended out. Only the way Hoseok’s lower body poked against his inner thigh remained, too intense of a perception to simply fade into the background. “You’re hard,” he commented eventually.

“Oh really?” Hoseok over exaggerated before his lips spread in a grin. “I'm basically always hard when I'm next to you.”

“That doesn’t sound very healthy,” Hyungwon commented and pulled at the blue strands, loving the way he could turn Hoseok’s head such that their lips almost touched, but not quite. He enjoyed the caresses of the other man’s hot breath against his mouth.

“That's what I'm saying, you're a whole torture and I'm a crazy masochist loving every second of it.” The hips shifted and Hoseok came a little closer. Hyungwon grinned in response, curling his free hand around the other man’s erection and biting down on the lower lip right in front of him before letting go.

“Want me to help out?” he asked, feeling rather calm again and merely enjoying the other’s presence, magical feeling putting everything back into place and order.

“You're cute, acting like this when it hadn't been 10 hours since you begged for me to do something to you, all desperate and needy. Did you forget?” Hoseok grinned back and licked over his lips. “Best sight ever, well after the way you looked with my dick inside you that is.” 

_ Of course you didn’t forget. How could you? _

“It’s perfectly engraved in my memories, Hoseok. It’s just that I am perfectly able to do something for you when I am calm and collected, which is the case right now and therefore enables me to drive you mad if you wish,” Hyungwon replied calmly, placing another kiss on the beautiful lips.

“I can get a jerking off machine or something, don't you get it? I love it when you're not calm and collected but all over the place screaming in my face. It's the best thing ever.” The other man's dick twitched in his hand at the words. Hyungwon tightened his index finger and thumb around the base and hummed at the comment, attempting to comprehend.

_ What’s your use though when you are like that? _

“But I can barely move my hands, so there is no way that I can give it to you properly, be it a blow job or anything else. Like this I can at least use proper technique. What’s the point when I only scream in pleasure?”

“I consider it extremely hot, if you are like this. It drives me crazy, more than any movement of your hand could. Basically I could close my eyes and just breathe through your amazing technique, but if you lose it I immediately lose it too. It's really freeing.” Hoseok roamed over his back, warm fingers drawing patterns. Hyungwon watched him carefully, letting his hand slide along the full length a few times, paying attention to the reaction before letting go completely and sitting up.

_ See if it’s true, Hyungwon. _

He took a deep breath, keeping his eyes closed and collecting his wits for a few more seconds before he was going to throw it all out the window just to see if the sudden change was as satisfying to the other man as he wanted him to believe.

_ How can something like that make such a difference? It does not involve any physical pleasure, Hyungwon. Biologically it doesn’t make any sense. _

He opened his eyes, focusing on Hoseok’s dark ones and bit his lower lip. Then he let go, throwing himself on top of the other man and clashing their lips together, mouth immediately releasing a moan at the way it felt and how the hot skin burned against his. He grabbed the blue strands and pulled, adding force and attempting to express what he wanted or what he attempted to achieve with his lips and hands, surroundings blurring and leaving only Hoseok as a clear entity. 

Hoseok’s erection was like fire against his thigh and Hyungwon turned and pulled the other man on top of him, hissing at the way it pressed against his hip, brain remembering everything that it hadn’t in its calm and collected state.

Hoseok moaned immediately, pupils dilated and breathing pattern changing. The strong arms pinned his body between them, the other man's teeth nibbling on his neck and shoulders, sliding the pierced tongue over a nipple and rolling the hips into him smoothly. 

“Holy fuck you're driving me mad.” Hoseok’s voice sounded so much lower than just a minute ago. Hyungwon attempted to focus again, but it was barely possible. Once he let go he couldn’t just collect all the single pieces he threw around on his own. They were taken away until they decided to melt together by themselves, allowing Hyungwon to return to his controlled self. He moaned and lifted his hips to add friction, be it for himself or for Hoseok, he couldn’t tell. He merely knew that it was necessary.

“Show me how much I’m driving you mad,” Hyungwon whispered finally, remembering at least a little bit of his intention, legs tingling from the way the other man kissed him and caressed each sensitive inch of skin with his tongue.

There was no answer to that as the muscular body disappeared from his sight and he felt how his own slid down the bed, pulled by his legs. Hoseok grabbed his thighs and lifted him up, as if he was a doll, weighting absolutely nothing. The other man turned around and pressed him against the wall, a low groan and teeth immediately sinking into his shoulder and neck, leaving marks. 

_ Holy fuck.  _

Hyungwon gasped at the impact and moaned at the onslaught of different perceptions, short stabs of pain from his shoulders closely followed by pleasure sending spikes to his lower body without a break. He turned his head to give Hoseok more access and buried his nails in the naked back, marking him in return. 

Hoseok was moaning and exhaling roughly against his skin before breaking the contact and walking over to the drawer, holding his ass pressed against his hips with one hand and grabbing the lube. The other man's eyes looked different, the pupils were blown and the gaze somehow reminded him of a hungry animal. It was a little scary but exciting at the same time. Hyungwon didn't feel like he could have done anything to stop him either way, not when he had already let go. 

_ Can you even speak like this, Hyungwon? _

His back clashed against a wall again. Hoseok’s hips pressed him against it and he could feel the prominent erection under him when he heard the bottle open with a click and watched the gaze that slid over his features. 

“Fingers or the whole thing?” Hoseok whispered into his face, eyes not leaving him even for a second. 

_ At least that is something you seem to be able to control, Hyungwon.  _

He exhaled slowly and collected his wits as much as he could to give a coherent answer. Luckily it was still possible because the other man hadn't touched him yet. However that would change as soon as Hoseok decided to set his body on fire.

“Fingers,” he murmured eventually and hoped it was coherent enough, sounds tickling along the skin of Hoseok’s cheek and moving the tiny strands of hair. The other man started coating his fingers as soon as Hyungwon spelled the first syllable and was already circling around him, pushing inside. Hoseok was so different from the way he had been teasing him the day before, impatient but fast and precise with the gaze of a predator. He slid two digits in at once, curling them and biting into his tattooed shoulder.

Hyungwon screamed at the sensation. He wouldn't have been able to do anything else even if he had wanted to. Hoseok had moved beyond the realm of reactions that Hyungwon could control, breathing heavily and shivering with each movement of the artist's fingers. The burning sensation spread like light through his body, filling out his limbs until the fingertips and narrowing down his perception. He wasn't sure where he was, but he was perfectly aware of Hoseok’s body keeping him in place, letting pleasure rush along his veins instead of blood. 

Another digit slid in, hitting the spot roughly, the muscular body next to him reacting to the way he screamed and shivered from the onslaught of pleasure, moaning and groaning against his skin, fingers of the other hand digging into the muscles of his thigh. Hyungwon hissed at the way his perception focused on the tight grip on his slim thigh before another stab send a wave of pleasure through him and he screamed again, throwing his head back and hitting the wall, adding to the dizziness and delirium that was taking over him. 

The fingers left him suddenly and he got carried somewhere, falling on a soft surface. The other man hovered over him, lifting his lower body in the air, bending him and sucking on his tip shortly before the tongue went between his cheeks, teasing him. A shudder passed through his legs and he moaned, lifting his legs a little by himself because he wanted to feel more. His naive self had expected to be released from the building up pressure like before, but apparently the man above him with the sea-colored strands sticking to his face had no intention to free him and return his control. 

_ You're really vulnerable like this.  _

The sensations stopped and he saw Hoseok’s face in front of him, pink tongue sliding over the pierced lip before he leaned in for a kiss. The tip of the other man's erection was pressing against his ass, sliding inside him smoothly until he was filled out completely.

“Oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon gasped and closed his eyes, lacking the energy to keep them opened and focusing on the way Hoseok breached his body, feeling impossible hot and thick inside of him, skin tingling and inability to form a coherent thought only worsening. Everything was blurry, including Hoseok, hair a beautiful mixture of blue and sand-color, intermingling and undividable with his eyes alone. “I can barely breathe.”

_ You're on fire again, but this time it already burned everything in its wake, Hyungwon. You can't do anything.  _

Hoseok’s tongue was sliding over his neck, teeth leaving small marks and a strong hand lifted up his legs, putting them over the broad shoulders. The hips moved back and Hoseok slid back in, bending him in half. It was like throwing gasoline into a fire, height and intensity roaring up, pleasure like electricity along his body, letting goosebumps spread over his skin. 

He screamed, eyes opening wide and seeing Hoseok above him but the vision was still blurry, haze of the delirium too strong for him to get through. His voice was hoarse but he didn't even realise, just reacting to each action without control, moaning and attempting to add some hold by letting his nails rip through the skin on Hoseok’s back, desperate for the feeling to return but also for clarity. He was free but the oblivion was scary, so much less comprehensible than it was before. 

The pleasure left him again and his body was lifted up, a cold sensation against his back indicated that it must've been a wall Hoseok was pressing him against, before the other man let him slide down his whole length by loosening the pressure in the hold on his thighs. 

“H-hoseok, what are you-” Hyungwon moaned at the sensation, legs visibly shivering in Hoseok’s hold and hands unable to hold onto the other man, resting loosely around the muscular neck. “What are you doing to me?” 

The blur only increased, cold sensation against his back easily making way for the heat inside of him, transition between feeling empty and completely filled driving him mad.

“My body is on fire and I- I feel so full. Oh god.”

He could feel air hitting his neck before it reached his ear, as Hoseok moved out almost completely. 

“You wanted me to show you how much you're driving me mad, let's say yesterday you saw 30%, today it's 50.” The hips thrust into him after Hoseok breathed out the last words. 

Hyungwon screamed again, perceiving what the beautiful man said but unable to create any meaningful connections. His body was taking every bit of strength he had to keep himself at least partially upright, air releasing from his lungs only irregularly and pleasure screaming at him to beg Hoseok for more of it. 

“I don't know what your words mean, Hoseok. Nothing makes sense except for the way you handle my body.”

Hoseok moved away from the wall. The strong hands lifted his body and let it drop down, the low voice groaning against his shoulder at the movement. 

“Fuck,” Hyungwon screamed as the sensation was sufficient to let his nails run along the outline of Hoseok’s shoulders, bright red lines remaining in contrast to the pale skin before they blurred into the background like everything else. The perceptions were too much and he felt close to fainting, barely holding himself up and pressure unbearable in his groin. He was impossibly close and wouldn't be able to hold himself back even if he wanted to. 

After repeating the whole thing the other man sat down, still holding him on his lap, roaming over his back and moving his hips softly. 

“And now, I want you to come for me,” Hoseok whispered into his ear and let the fingers curl around his erection, while thrusting into him. Hyungwon simply gave up on trying to make sense of his surroundings. He relaxed his body against Hoseok’s and melted into the sensitivity, screams and moans leaving his lips in succession before his body finally had mercy on him and turned everything black, coil unravelling and all his senses turning off.

There was a warm breath against his ear, whispering something softly.

“Did you blackout? Hyungwon?” 

_ Oh no, not again.  _

He opened his eyes, feeling how his body burned like after an intense orgasm, muscles relaxed and unwilling to move. He was staring at a ceiling, difficult to identify his surroundings by. 

“Where am I?” he asked quietly, hoping that Hoseok would provide the information he needed to get himself back together. 

“My apartment, living room, beige couch, you're sitting on me,” the low voice answered, sounding strained. 

_ He fucked you, Hyungwon. Then you apparently lost it. You wanted to see if you losing control really affects him more than anything else and he simply fucked you. _

Hyungwon curled his arms around the other man's neck to regain a hold on things, shifting his body a little bit just to realize that he was indeed sitting on top of Hoseok, in more sense than one, body feeling impossibly full. He contracted automatically at the realization, harsh breath leaving his mouth. He felt a little angry at being so vulnerable in his pleasurable state and Hoseok using it, but there was nothing he could do.

A low moan escaped the other man's mouth and the eyes closed, fingers digging into his hips. 

“Holy fuck.”

Hyungwon repeated the motion, watching the facial expression intently and lifting his hips just to slide back down, eyes focused on Hoseok’s. The action was a tiny bit dumb, because despite his freshly regained aware state, he was still sensitive as fuck and couldn't suppress the shiver passing through his legs and moan leaving his lips. 

Hoseok’s face was a mixture between bliss and strain, tiny drops of sweat collecting on the pale forehead, blush covering the cheeks. The beautiful man groaned and thrust into him roughly, holding his hips in an iron grip. Hyungwon screamed involuntarily, disbelieving that Hoseok would immediately act on his curiosity, stealing the awareness as soon as he had regained it. Blunt nails created new red lines on the pale skin. The blurriness wasn't complete yet, the other man's features clear as day in front of him. Hoseok looked affected, chest rising and falling quickly, eyes dark. 

_ He wants you.  _

“You're driving me mad. I want you, I want all of you,” the low voice groaned against his chest as Hoseok sucked on a nipple harshly, lifting Hyungwon’s hips and letting him slide down the whole length, moaning into his face. Hyungwon bit his lip to not scream at the feeling, holding onto the firm shoulders. The sight was mesmerizing, the way Hoseok seemed to melt at being inside him. It wasn't comparable at all with the blurriness that he usually felt, every expression clear and beautiful. He wanted to see more while he could. 

_ You're still aware enough to watch him, Hyungwon. Use it while you can.  _

“Then take it. Take it all,” he whispered back, holding onto the shoulders and contracting on purpose. 

Hoseok threw his head back with a low groan, repeating the movement and burying himself as deep as he could, thrusting up and pushing down Hyungwon’s hips. He looked outworldly, sweat running down the temples and neck veins pulsating visibly. It was impossible not to scream at the feeling, so Hyungwon bit down on Hoseok’s shoulder, muffling his voice that way and contracting again. He wanted Hoseok to feel good. 

_ And free. _

The blurriness was building up but Hyungwon was still able to keep it at bay, body sensitive to the ministrations but a little numb from coming earlier. There was also a little bit of discomfort but it was forgotten as soon as Hoseok hit the bundle of nerves repeatedly. 

“I want you to come inside me, Hoseok,” he whispered into the beautiful ear and clenched again, curiosity about how it would feel and how the other man would look when it happened taking over. 

Both hands grabbed his ass cheeks, lifting his lower body and dropping it on Hoseok’s lap repeatedly, the muscular chest rising and falling much faster than before. Hoseok bit down on his lower lip and threw his head back while releasing himself with a groan and pressing Hyungwon down on his lap, erection twitching inside him. It felt different, difficult to describe. Like liquid fire, hot and spreading out. It was easy to tell how the other man twitched inside of him. The perception didn’t compare to the way Hyungwon had felt when he released inside of a warm body himself. It wasn’t the same at all. 

_ For once you also set him free. _

He hissed and held onto Hoseok tighter, licking over the bruised shoulder, strangely discolored and not only from his teeth. Hyungwon mustered the pattern as he continued licking over it, legs squeezing Hoseok and feeling much more sore than they had only a few minutes ago.

“Even if you leave me I’m going to find you and make you mine again,” Hoseok whispered without opening his eyes. The voice sounded somehow soft, but the words resembled a threat. Hyungwon just nodded before humming since Hoseok couldn’t see him, not sure what else to do in reply. He generally hadn’t been in his current situation and wasn’t too sure what to do with himself. Minhyuk had been rather self-efficient and in case he wasn’t, he had still told Hyungwon what to do.

Hoseok’s eyes opened finally and he licked over his lips, grabbing his thighs and standing up, as if he hadn’t basically been stand fucking Hyungwon five minutes ago, sweat running down his neck and everything.

“Let's go to the shower,” he whispered and carried him to the bathroom, still balls deep inside him. Hyungwon merely held on, letting himself be manhandled because there was no point in saying or doing anything. Hoseok seemed to be rather good at having his way. In addition the other man must have known better what to do so following him seemed like a safe choice. 

Hoseok was beautiful when his pale skin was pink, increased blood flow adding blush.

“I love the way you look when you come,” Hyungwon murmured against the bruised shoulder and let his fingers slide along it, still worried whether he had subconsciously made it look that hurt. It appeared rather bad.

“I love the way you look when you lose it. It's as if I'm on drugs, it affects me immediately and I can't do anything but go mad,” Hoseok answered while turning the water on with his right hand, waiting for the temperature to be okay. Hyungwon nodded again, still holding on and wondering how something non physical was able to evoke such a strong physical reaction. 

“Maybe it’s like my desire to touch your hair and kiss you if I stare for too long. I can’t do anything about it.”

Hoseok stepped into the shower, slipping out and letting his legs touch the floor. Hyungwon felt a little shaky but just held onto the artist’s underarms with his long fingers, trusting himself to have enough balance for that. The feeling of liquid running down his legs was a little strange and he pursed his lips.

“I feel like in a porn movie. Now I just need to spread my legs and lick it or something,” he commented and chewed on his cheek, watching Hoseok’s expression and the way the signs of orgasm continuously disappeared from his face, composure returning.

Hoseok reached for his jaw before he let the fingers disappear in Hyungwon’s hair and pulled him into a kiss. He kissed back immediately, feeling of ease spreading from his lips and into the rest of his body. However as soon as his eyes opened the bruised shoulder appeared and once he saw something he couldn’t unsee it anymore.

“Did- did I hurt you like that?” he asked after separating their lips and gesturing towards the other man’s shoulder with his eyes.

Hoseok turned to look over the spot on the shoulder. 

“Ah, that was the cupboard, remember?””

_ You did that when you dropped the cupboard on top of him, Hyungwon. _

He panicked, staring at the discolored skin and feeling like he was about to hyperventilate, sight reminding him of the fact that he was much more dangerous when he lost control than it seemed.

“Oh my god. Why aren’t you afraid of me, Hoseok? I almost broke your fucking shoulder with a cupboard and you sound all nonchalant as if that was nothing,” he exclaimed and slid his hand over the bruise again, hoping that it would disappear with the caress but it didn’t. It was still there because it was permanent.

_ He didn’t ask you before just fucking you, but you also just fucking throw things at him when you are delirious, Hyungwon. What the fuck makes you better? He warned you before. Who said he had to ask? _

“Because you can't break me, plus I'm more scary,” Hoseok simply answered.

_ Well, he did fuck you just like that, didn’t he? _

_  
  
  


Hyungwon felt relatively calm on his way to the tattoo studio. When he had mentioned that he had an appointment Hoseok hadn’t appeared particularly curious, afterall he had appointments most of the time, partially with Jin. He didn’t want to lie to other man, so it was better when he didn't ask. The likelihood of him getting angry at Hyungwon meeting Changkyun again was rather high, but it was important.

_ You have to try to set things right, even if you dislike him, Hyungwon. _

He checked his watch and waited until the display showed the number twelve and two beautiful zeros before he opened the door to the studio, slipping in and looking around, eyes checking the positions of the drafts before settling on Changkyun.

“Hi,” Hyungwon said. Because it was polite.

The other man lifted his gaze and shook his head in disapproval before concentrating on his drawing again. 

“What do you want?”

Hyungwon walked over to him and sat down on the table, relatively close by but keeping a pleasant distance. 

“I wanted to apologize, Changkyun,” he said, loud and clear and established eye contact in case the other man looked up to make sure he knew that Hyungwon meant every word. 

“Oh screw this, were you there when he called yesterday? You really don't know him do you?” Changkyun let out an annoyed huff. “If you knew how many times he told me he hated me and that I have to get out of his life, you would be very surprised. Half of those times being balls deep inside me, by the way. You don't need to apologize.” 

Changkyun was infuriating but Hyungwon came for a reason and he was going to pull through. 

“I still don't think that it was right of me to evoke a reaction like that. Especially since he won't be able to tell you that while being ‘balls deep inside of you’ anymore. I'm fine with you guys being friends because I think you mean a lot to him and I'm sorry for making him react like that. He wasn't very keen on my opinion on the matter so I wanted to let you know.” Hyungwon went through his plan and attempted to stop thinking about the fact that Hoseok had been inside the other man. It was challenging with the constant reminders thrown his way. 

“The future will show. Either way, I don't really want an apology because I can and most definitely will repeat all this right into Hoseok’s ridiculously beautiful face. It wasn't some kind of secret you weren't supposed to tell anybody.” The other man lifted his gaze while turning the black pen in his hand. “And most importantly I don't really want to like you because I have no wish to be considerate towards you. I like Hoseok. I want him back and you're in the way, which doesn't even make sense besides the fact that you're indeed attractive.” 

Hyungwon wasn't sure what he should reply first to, the compliment, the insult, the complicated relationship statement or the fact that Changkyun was even more confusing than he had expected and much more genuine. He actually really liked people that didn't beat around the bush. 

“I apologize because I think he reacted like that because of my reaction to the words and not the words themselves, Changkyun. I'm sorry about your feelings, but I really don't think that I can let Hoseok go. Even if I know that it doesn't really make sense with our opposing personalities. I can't help it.” Hyungwon sighed and let a hand run through his hair, fascinated by the lines that the tattoo artist had already placed on the empty sheet of paper. “I like your drawing. It has emotional character.”

Changkyun stared at him, dark eyes unreadable and staring right through him. 

“What kind of emotion do you think it is?” he asked and watched Hyungwon intently. 

_ Fuck, you don't know if you can read his work as well as you read Hoseok’s.  _

Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip and took a closer look, feeling a little calmer because he was better with drawings than with people. 

It was a face. Hoseok’s face, lips curled into a smile and eyes big as if waiting for something.

“It seems cheerful to me. The way his lips curl up at the sides is something he only does when he is genuinely happy. The eyes say something different, more expectant of something to happen. My guess is something positive because of the bright expression. I like it because your strokes fit the emotions. They are light, almost weightless just like Hoseok feels in this one. I'd love to see more of your work to be honest.” Hyungwon was a little impressed. Despite his knowledge that Changkyun was also a tattoo artist he hadn't expected anything concerning his artistic skill. Detesting the black-haired was getting more and more difficult. 

_ He's genuine, Hyungwon. He doesn't really shit you unless he believes a lie himself.  _

Hyungwon sucked at reading people but that's the impression Changkyun had left on him, drawing Hoseok for the second time at the tattoo studio and attempting to keep the distance between Hyungwon and him. 

“Mhm, not bad, I saw the stuff you drew, the pictures of Hoseok. They had the same feeling like his back tattoo. It was also you, am I right?” Changkyun kept his gaze concentrated on Hyungwon’s eyes before he stood up and stepped a little closer. Hyungwon nodded in reply, staring at the well-formed eyebrows instead and added another step to the distance between them. There was no reason for proximity and he preferred to feel comfortable in his skin. Even if the art was mesmerizing they didn't need to touch. 

The other man thought differently and placed a hand on his shoulder, without any prior warning. Hyungwon jerked and froze in place, eyes wide and staring at the unfamiliar arm before he bit his lip, forcing himself to deal with it and not act weird. Hoseok was a different case but with Changkyun he had to remain fully composed. 

“I would prefer it if you could refrain from touching me,” he murmured quietly, eyes fixing on the other man's mouth. 

Changkyun removed his hand and leaned against the desk behind him, extending the length of appropriate eye contact, it was extremely uncomfortable. 

“If I'd ask you what you think I'm thinking right now, what would you answer?” the low voice asked. 

_ What? How would you know, Hyungwon? You can’t even tell what people feel unless they write it on a gigantic white board. _

“Ehm, how would I know what you are thinking right now? No one can tell someone else’s thoughts,” Hyungwon replied, feeling a little uncomfortable, as if the other man was trying to figure something out, asking unpleasant questions and poking right where it hurt. “It’s not really relevant either, is it?”

“Well I can see that you're extremely uncomfortable, your face and your body language basically screams it into my face, so what does my face tell you?” The black-haired tilted his head, leaning a little closer. Hyungwon sucked in a breath, holding it to calm himself down, to avoid panicking without a proper reason to do so.

“You want to make me uncomfortable, that’s why you come close, because you know that I hate it,” he answered carefully, releasing the deoxygenated air just to take a deep breath again, tongue licking over his plump lips repeatedly, unable to keep them moisturized.

_ It’s the panic, Hyungwon. _

“Actually I'm pretty sure that you're autistic, 10 out of 10. My brother and you are really similar in your reactions, that's why I touched you. He really hates it if other people do that. Don't panic. Want a coffee?” Changkyun removed his gaze almost immediately, as if knowing exactly that Hyungwon didn't like it and walked to the coffee machine. “I saw you drink, so I suppose you drink coffee.” 

Hyungwon nodded, remaining frozen in place and still holding his breath. The other man had figured it out, only requiring a ridiculously short phone call and less than 10 minutes of conversation to do so.

_ He knows it from home. It’s not your fault, Hyungwon. He has experience with it like Jin. _

“Am I that obvious?” he asked anyway, scared that he hadn’t improved at all over the years. He constantly put so much work into his behaviour and to follow social rules, interacting and touching other people all the time because it was expected. Outside of work he wanted to keep at least some of his distance. He would just go mad otherwise.

“I didn't realize first, but thinking about it Jooheon and you are indeed very similar, he also looks at eyebrows and mouths. You're not as cute though.” The other laughed and it sounded very genuine. Hyungwon chuckled too, feeling more at ease and relaxing his shoulders, leaning against the desk again instead of standing around in the middle of the room.

“Good that cute isn’t what I’m going for,” he commented with a grin and stretched out his hand to accept the coffee Changkyun had made for him. “But usually people can’t tell that I don’t look at their eyes unless they are very close. Is that why you invaded my space?”

“Mhm, you panicked and everything, so I could immediately tell. It's fine though, don't think about it.” The small hand pressed the button for another coffee, before Changkyun turned around looking absolutely shocked, eyes wide and mouth open. Hyungwon hadn’t seen the expression on him before. “But holy fuck, how are you able to deal with Hoseok like that?”

_ He also thinks that it might be a problem with your personality, just like Hoseok. _

“I give him my control and he gives me calm. That’s kind of how it works I guess,” Hyungwon attempted to explain and chewed on his cheek. “I had a few meltdowns of course but that always happens when things change dramatically. It’s not that often though, so I’m fine. I already put a bit more structure into everything.”

“Oh no. But Hoseok is a sucker for emotional overload, he'll make you lose your shit all the time because that's what he likes!” Changkyun seemed genuinely concerned before turning back to the machine and grabbing his coffee. “That sounds like a fucking lie, but I'm kinda worried about you.” 

Hyungwon immediately felt reminded of the way Hoseok had pulled the book from his shelf, causing a meltdown. On purpose. However Changkyun’s words surprised him sufficiently to forget about that, eyebrows lifting up in question.

“He might cause the overload but he’s also the one who can calm me down. He really can.” Hyungwon examined the way Changkyun looked in his clothes, short but well built and the jawline was still rather prominent. “You look soft.”

“Its because you remind me of my brother whom I love more than anything else and it kind of tainted my attitude. Also you and Hoseok, it just doesn't make sense, but well, I don't really know how he is with you.” The other smiled shortly. “Jooheon hated Hoseok.”

“I don’t. I love him,” Hyungwon answered immediately and pressed his calming pattern into his thigh, taking a deep breath. “Hoseok said he can’t help it because of the way I lose control. For me it’s too late to change my relation to him either way. I’m attached.” His fingertips pressed down endlessly and it was a nice sensory perception. “By ‘soft’ I meant that you look physically soft by the way. Soft to hug.”

“Want to hug me? Feel free, you're not my type anyway, I'm into bulky, dominant guys.” He grinned and took a sip out of his cup. Hyungwon didn’t hesitate much and just walked over to the other man, curious if he was as soft as he looked. Since the size difference was more intense than with Hoseok and because Changkyun looked softer in general he simply hugged him the way he hugged Minhyuk, grabbing him around the waist and pulling him flush against himself with force. It felt nice and fit his expectation.

“Wow, you really mean what you say, I like it.” The other man returned the hug and leaned back taking another sip out of the cup. “Can I see your tattoos? Hoseok told me about the three elements back then but I've never seen it.” 

Hyungwon shrugged. He didn’t really see why not so he let go of the other man’s waist and grabbed the seam of his shirt, pulling it over his head with ease.

“Holy fuck, the moon with the forest is Hoseok too right? This fucking idiot, why doesn't he tattoo his own stuff!” Small hands reached for Hyungwon’s chest and stroked over the tattoo once before letting go and walking around to see the shoulder. 

Changkyun just leaned in and looked intently, before stepping back and sighing. “It's mesmerizing, I only have the earlier stuff, but those are supreme.” 

“They evoke emotions without facial expressions. It’s like magic so I love them,” Hyungwon remarked and smiled, stroking over the forest view through a binocular himself, loving each artwork that Hoseok put under his skin. “Will you show me too?”

“Sure, my whole body is covered, but I'll just show you the upper half okay?” The shorter man pulled his black shirt over his head and revealed a completely tattooed chest, arms and back, some of the tattoos going over his abs and down under the seam of the black jeans. It were mostly patterns, geometrical figures aligning with plants, wood or animals, but the geometry was apparent, like on a Kandinsky painting. Hyungwon couldn’t help but be fascinated as he walked closer and let his fingertips glide over the different shapes and beautiful drawings.

He immediately felt the desire to draw on the other man’s body too, add another intricate pattern that would fill out the tiny bit of empty space that slid along the neck and over the back.

“Seeing this makes me want to draw something too. You’re like a beautiful canvas, Changkyun,” he murmured and followed some of his favourite patterns all of the way, fingers stroking and caressing along the skin. “But now I want to see the rest. I want to see them all.” 

“I really don't give a shit, I'd show you all of it, but my sensitive man Hyunwoo here is already having a heart attack at us standing here half naked and touching each other's bodies, immediately strengthening his stereotypes about gay relationships.” Changkyun chuckled and pointed at the muscular man standing at the entrance, eyes impossibly wide and mouth open. Hyungwon waved at him to be polite and pursed his lips. He really wanted to see the rest.

“Hyunwoo, do you mind if I see the rest of Changkyun’s tattoos because I want to appreciate the art?” he asked because asking solved problems faster than every other complicated thing he could have done.

“Does Hoseok know that you're undressing each other in his workspace?” Hyunwoo asked, still not calming his facial expressions. Hyungwon sighed.

“He does not, because he doesn't know that we met to discuss something. However I think you misunderstand the fact that we are looking at Hoseok’s art on our bodies. You are currently keeping me from seeing the rest. Since you are straight you don’t care, am I right?” he tried again. Hyunwoo was sweet but also a little slow apparently. Hyungwon didn’t know what the bodyguard-like male thought about them but it didn’t really seem right.

“I honestly don't know what's more weird, my previous thought or your explanation. Do what you want, just don't hurt bunny or I'll kill you both.” He finally moved away from the exit and went to the table, picking up some paper and going towards the exit again. “See you tomorrow, you crazy bastard.” 

Changkyun started laughing after Hyunwoo left, almost bending in half. 

“Hyunwoo is writing to our precious friend right now, let's bet who Hoseok will kill first. I'm pretty sure it's me, ‘cause I fit better to the bad man image and I also kinda teased him that I'd let you fuck me, so he might be a little angry.” The black-haired grinned, holding onto his stomach. 

_ Hoseok will kill one of them? _

Hyungwon couldn’t help how his eyes widened and he grabbed Changkyun’s wrist to lift him into an upright position again, mustering his face to figure out what he was trying to tell him with the onslaught of words.

“What do you mean with ‘Hoseok will be angry’? About what? What is it about me fucking you? I’m confused. What are you even talking about?” he asked quickly and pulled Changkyun a little closer, hoping it would force him to stop laughing faster.

“Oh god, you're so cute, ahahahah." The other couldn't stop but breathed in roughly to answer. “I kinda told Hoseok that I'd let you fuck me. I did it to make him angry, which he was, so if Hyunwoo tells him that I was half naked next to you he might think that I wanted to pay him back for the ‘I don't want to be friends’ thing. Did you see Hoseok being really furious? It's a sight to behold.” Changkyun still tried to catch his breath from laughing too much. Hyungwon couldn’t relate. At all.

“I haven’t but I also don't really want to. Shouldn’t we call him to explain so he doesn’t worry or feel hurt?” he asked instead and felt scared at the thought of upsetting Hoseok. He sat down on the desk again and played with his fingers, not as fascinated by the tattoos and the thought of seeing any more of them, not if it genuinely upset Hoseok. “This is like in those bad romance movies where one person doesn’t say something and it turns into this gigantic clusterfuck with everybody crying in each other’s arms. I never got why that happened.”

_ You should have just told him. _

“Of course you didn't get it, Jooheon refused to watch those movies. Ah wait, there he is, one second.” Changkyun grabbed the phone out of his pocket and held it against his ear, listening to a muffled waterfall of words.

Hyungwon watched him, panic rising from his fingertips and all the way to his lungs, squeezing them and forcing him to gasp at the sensation, scared that Hoseok was genuinely upset. Changkyun didn’t seem fazed by the words on the other end but the man generally never looked like anything could hurt him.

“Thanks. And now you listen to me bunny, first of all, Hyungwon here is a nice guy and we just looked at your tattoos, which includes undressing, you idiot. If I'd wanted to jump him I wouldn't be taking your fucking call. He'd get a fucking meltdown if I'd touch him, that's how much he likes you, holy fuck.” Hyungwon shook his head furiously as soon as he heard the word meltdown. He really didn’t want Changkyun to tell Hoseok anything. It would have only forced the blue-haired man to change his behaviour, probably treating him like someone ill just like everyone else did instead of the way he did now. 

The other just nodded, a little surprised. 

“Either way, just hate me or whatever, Hyungwon didn't do anything.” He hung up and put the phone back staring at him.

“He doesn't know?” 

Hyungwon shook his head, feeling a little uncomfortable again. The way Changkyun asked made it sound like something he shouldn’t be hiding. His lungs still felt pressured and he took a few deep breaths and looked at the white ceiling, calming himself down after the shock and fear of upsetting the one person that really mattered to him.

Changkyun crouched next to him, looking at his facial expression. 

“Don't panic, he's just angry at me which is basically his status quo. It'll be fine.” The small hand patted his back a couple of times, before the short man pulled the shirt over his head. “Do you also have trouble with motorics when you're stressed? I always helped Jooheon getting dressed.” A smile hushed over the handsome face. 

_ He really seems to know someone like you, Hyungwon. It all sounds familiar. Maybe you can ask him about how this Jooheon deals with meltdowns sometimes, and with the general loss of control. _

“I basically just turn off so I can’t do anything, be it motoric or cognitive. If it’s bad enough that is. Hoseok dressed me before,” he answered quietly and kept staring at the white ceiling. It was nice and simple, the same almost everywhere and therefore familiar. “What if he’s hurt now, having that facial expression where his lip form changes and the eyes are bigger and the eyebrows are different too. It physically hurts to see it, Changkyun.” 

“Hmm, it might happen, but don't worry, it's probably the one where his eyes spark and he's ready to tear people apart. He is very impulsive but also really fast in changing his opinion and moves on without holding grudges, it'll be fine.” The other patted his back again, as if it was some kind of routine.

“I'll show you the tattoos next time. I have to go swimming with Jooheon, there's no way I can't go.” Changkyun grinned and threw the leather jacket over his shoulders. Hyungwon smiled back, pulling his shirt over his head quickly and waved at him. The two of them had an appointment with their brothers in common. Just that his was married and had a live apart from Hyungwon that he had to live. It was honestly surprising how quickly his opinion of the other man had changed. In the blink of an eye.

_ You really like him now, Hyungwon. It’s understandable why Hoseok did too. _

  
  


***

 

  
_ What do you want Hoseok? What the fuck do you want? _ __  
__  
He sat at the kitchen table and was peeling a banana slowly. Hyungwon had acted as if he had something absolutely urgent to do, which was bound to be a lie considering the fact that the other man would have told him about his plans two days ahead.    
  
_ You two are honestly amazing, you just jump him and make him lose his shit, and he’s hiding stuff and acting weird. _   
  
Hoseok didn’t really think that things would work out only because he wanted them to, he wasn’t a teenager and also not dumb. There were a lot of things needed for a relationship to work and they seemed to have a major problem and he didn’t have a solution for it yet. He hated not having solutions.    
  
_ Then find one, you won’t be able to live without this now. No fucking way. _ __  
__  
It was addicting, even while sitting at his white kitchen table and eating the yellow banana, he was missing his grey moon. He looked at the banana skin, lying right in front of his face before he started ripping it into little pieces, in thought about what the core of his problem was.    
  
_ Why the fuck are you ripping the banana skin, Hoseok? What did it do to you? What did the drawings do to you? What did the red book do to you? What did Hyungwon do to you? Fuck. _ __  
__  
He stopped the movement of his hands and stared down at the raped fruit.    
  
_ You will try to make him lose it, because you like seeing it while it is the only thing he hates about himself.  _ __  
__  
Hoseok buried his head in his hands, headache filling out every cell and lump returning to his throat again, just like in the night, only that there was no Hyungwon to kiss him and curl the beautiful long limbs around his body, giving him warmth and those plump lips telling him that everything was fine.   
  
_ Nothing is fine. _ __  
__  
His phone buzzed in the pocket and he stared at the display, trying to make sense of Hyunwoo’s message.    
  
‘I don’t know much about gay etiquette, but your ex-boyfriend and your boyfriend are touching each other while standing half naked in the studio lobby. Hyungwon told me he wanted to see tattoos, but I still wanted to tell you. Get your love life under control for fuck’s sake.’    
  
His blood boiled after the words he read, the memory of Changkyun telling him that he’d let Hyungwon fuck him appearing out of nowhere. He grabbed his phone and dialed the last number.    
  
_ Hyungwon went to meet him. Without telling you.  _ __  
__  
The line was established and he sucked in a breath, not thinking much before speaking.   
  
“Now listen up you crazy bastard, if you touch even one hair on his head I will personally come and kill you with my bare hands. This is not teasing and this is also not a fucking joke. Your craziness was enough already, so leave him alone, don’t talk to him and most importantly don’t touch him. Don’t say anything about me, don’t look at him, just get the fuck out of my life.” Hoseok stopped only when there was definitely no air left to breathe and talk with.    
  
“Thanks. And now you listen to me bunny, first of all, Hyungwon here is a nice guy and we just looked at your tattoos, which includes undressing, you idiot. If I'd wanted to jump him I wouldn't be taking your fucking call. He'd get a fucking meltdown if I'd touch him, that's how much he likes you, holy fuck.” The low voice on the other end of the line spoke calmly, like always. Hoseok was furious and Changkyun was just being himself, not giving a shit.   
  
_ How would he know that Hyungwon has meltdowns? Did Hyungwon tell him? Didn’t they hate each other yesterday?  _ __  
__  
“How would you know whether he likes me or not? Are you best friends now, after he almost had a mental breakdown because of the bullshit you told him yesterday? Stay the fuck away from him, Changkyun. I’m warning you, don’t touch what’s mine or we’ll get in serious trouble.” He tried to sound more intimidating by hissing into the phone.    
  
“Either way, just hate me or whatever, Hyungwon didn't do anything.” The other just hung up on him. Again. Hoseok tried to calm his breathing, hands clenched into fists.   
  
_ What’s going on? Why are they close all of the sudden? Why didn’t Hyungwon tell you that he went there?  _ __  
__  
Hoseok had absolutely no idea what was happening, the occurences just didn’t make any sense. There it went, the solution. It had gotten even more complicated, his previous concerns were pushed to the back and were replaced by new ones, acute ones, ones that were important to solve.    
  
_ So what if you like him losing control? Just make him lose it. He also drives you mad.  _ __  
__  
He took out his phone and typed in a message.    
  
‘I’m coming over. Now.’    
  
Walking over to his wardrobe he put on his favourite black ripped jeans and an orange shirt, throwing a leather jacket on top.    
  
_ Hyungwon hates orange. _ __  
__  
Hoseok also hated a lot of things. For example not getting shit and getting lied to.    
  
The streets looked the same way and so did Hyungwon’s door, he rang the bell twice and waited. He was buzzed through quickly, as if the other man had been waiting in front of the door, which Hoseok wouldn’t have put past him. He ran up the flight of stairs and stopped in front of the apartment door. Hyungwon was holding it open, looking rather uncomfortable and eyes widening immediately at the sight of Hoseok’s attire.

“Are you upset because of a misunderstanding?” he asked, but his eyes didn’t leave Hoseok’s shirt.   
  
“Want to talk about this while I stand in front of your door?” Hoseok asked back and tilted his head. The other shook his head immediately and pulled the door to the side, leaning against it and closing his eyes for a few seconds, visibly struggling with something.   
  
_ He hates your shirt. Just keep up the good work so he will hate you too. _ __  
__  
Slipping out of his shoes and hanging his leather jacket on the hook, he walked into the living room and leaned against the doorframe. Hyungwon only followed after a while, closing the door and stopped in front of Hoseok, more distance between them than usual.

“Don’t you want to sit down? I thought that’s what people do. What would you like to know?” he asked and swallowed again, his hands shivering a little.   
  
“I said I’d come over, I didn’t say that I wanted to know anything. Do you want to tell me something?” Hoseok felt almost the same frustration he had felt when he slid down the wall in the elevator. Hyungwon’s eyes widened again and he disappeared in the kitchen, shortly followed by the loud humming of the coffee machine. He only reappeared after a while, coffee cup in his hands and holding it out towards Hoseok, chewing his cheek.

“Well, I didn’t tell you that I wanted to meet with Changkyun so you are probably angry right now. I somehow thought you would be angrier if I told you. Apparently that didn’t really make a difference. I wanted to correct my mistake somehow,” he murmured and played with the fingers of his left hand, pulling at the digits repeatedly.   
  
_ Just ask him, don’t be a kid. _ __  
__  
“How did him being a piece of shit turn into you both being half naked in front of each other. My imagination is really good, but this is simply sick.” Hoseok sucked in the intoxicating scent of coffee and tried to calm down his heartbeat. 

“I felt sorry about you cancelling the friendship on him so I came to say sorry because it was my fault. I cried and reacted like that, losing my shit. He didn’t really understand why I wanted to apologize, but ended up wanting to see my tattoos because you drew them. So I showed them, but if only one person sees something it’s not fair and I knew that you drew on him too, so I wanted to see it in return. That’s what happened,” Hyungwon elaborated and the way he looked up at the ceiling and bent the fingers of his left hand with his right index finger made it believable. It was the same way he did it when he recounted chronological events.   
  
_ Why was Changkyun protecting him though? _ __  
__  
“It is very strange. Why would Changkyun...ah nevermind. This gives me a headache. Tell me how you feel. Right now. Tell me what you think.” Hoseok turned around and took a sip of his coffee, staring Hyungwon in the eyes. The black-haired kept his brown orbs close to the ceiling and resumed the way he had been playing with the fingers of his left hand.

“I- I’m a little overwhelmed by you being here suddenly, but I am happy because you aren’t wearing the hurt facial expression that I feared you would have. I can’t really tell what this one means, but I think you don’t hate me and I am really glad about that. I wouldn’t know what I would do if you would hate me.” He took a deep breath as if saying so many things at once was challenging. “I’m rather uncomfortable, but if that means that you feel better it’s okay.”   
  
“If I had been hurt I wouldn’t have come here. I never come to people by myself when I’m hurt,” Hoseok said quietly, drinking the last sip of the coffee and putting the cup on the small table, taking a seat on the black leather couch. “Why are you uncomfortable?” 

Hyungwon remained where he was instead of sitting down next to him which was definitely unusual considering his recent affinity to body contact when it came to Hoseok.

“It’s- I can’t really deal with your shirt. I want to touch you but I can’t.”   
  
_ He can’t touch you because your shirt is orange. Really? _ __  
__  
“Having problems like that must be nice, you know why?” He looked at the ceiling. 

“No,” Hyungwon whispered in reply, voice laced with emotions.   
  
Hoseok pulled at the seam and threw the piece of clothing behind him, remaining seated, naked skin a little uncomfortable against the cool leather.    
  
“Because you can get rid of it in a second,” he said, throwing his head back and staring at the ceiling again. The change was immediate as Hyungwon slipped on top of his lap and curled his arms around his neck, burying his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent and sighing in relief.

“I’m sorry for being so complicated,” he murmured and let his hands slide over Hoseok’s shoulders and back.   
  
“It’s me. I am complicated, your problems can be solved with really simple actions.” His hands curled around the thin waist, hoping for a random solution for all of his problems, easily, just like taking off a shirt.

“Have you met Jooheon before?” the black-haired asked against his skin and drew undefined patterns on his shoulder. It wasn’t as regular as the calming pattern he did, but still resembled a specific entity.   
  
_ Changkyun’s brother? He knows his brother? _ __  
__  
“Isn’t it Changkyun’s brother? Sure. He didn’t really like me though.” Hoseok chuckled remembering how his ex-boyfriend had told him that Jooheon threatened to throw things at Hoseok if he came next to him. Only because Hoseok had showed him a video where a dude hurt himself while skateboarding. 

“Do you think he’s weird?”   
  
“I don’t really know because we didn’t really have much contact, but Changkyun meets him a lot, they’re very close. He’s a little sensitive I guess.” He didn’t really know much about Changkyung’s brother and the fact that Hyungwon did made everything even weirder. “How do you know him?” 

“I don’t,” Hyungwon replied and pressed his head further into Hoseok’s skin, black strands tickling his neck. “But Changkyun said that I remind him of Jooheon, so I was curious what you think about him. So that I could compare and see.”   
  
_ Why the fuck would Changkyun talk about his family? He never does it with people he doesn’t know well. _ __  
__  
“I have no idea how you became close in an hour or so, but I really hope it’s nothing that would drive me mad.” How were people that seriously disliked each other able to get so close in such a short time?

“I don’t think so, unless both of us drawing you makes you mad. I saw Changkyun do ink drawings of you. It had been the second one and I complimented the emotions on it.” Hoseok could feel the smile against his neck. “We kinda ended up talking about that and he said that he saw my drawings too. Did you show him?” Hyungwon asked and the longer the other man played with his blue hair, the less uncomfortable he seemed, body resting calmly on his lap and muscle tension normal.   
  
“I didn’t. They lay on my table and he walked over, grabbed them, looked over them, put them back on the table and congratulated me, saying you loved me. Crazy person.” Hoseok remembered the other man’s face. He would’ve thought it was a joke, hadn’t Changkyun worn the serious expression that came across his features so rarely. 

Hyungwon appeared surprised, looking up and mustering his facial expressions, removing a strand of hair from his eyes and putting it behind his ear carefully.

“Well, I do love you, but I didn’t know that my drawings already said so. I have many more now.” He seemed excited about that, smiling brightly. “Are you not angry anymore?”   
  
“I don’t know. I feel like closing myself in somewhere and not coming out for a week or two.” Honesty was always the best, at least almost. Hyungwon frowned shortly before he closed his eyes for a few seconds and his gaze changed a little, more concentrated and getting closer to Hoseok’s face. The thighs on top of his tightened and long fingers slid in between the strands of his blue hair, tilting his head a little before plump lips touched his, sensual and calm, warm tongue following the curved outline.    
  
Hoseok melted into the kiss, placing his hands around the other man’s neck, one in the black hair, raking through it and feeling the warmth spread throughout his body.   
  
_ It’s nice but it doesn’t solve anything does it? _ __  
__  
Hyungwon broke the kiss carefully and smiled at him, blissfully oblivious.

“Better?”   
  
“I wish.” 

The smile disappeared immediately and Hyungwon looked concerned, stroking through Hoseok’s hair again and visibly thinking.

“What can I do to make it better? I’m worried about leaving you sad like this and just going to Jin.”   
  
“I’m not sad. If I was sad I wouldn’t have come,” Hoseok answered, remembering that it was Saturday, the day Hyungwon had his appointment with Jin. “I hope you have fun, I think I’ll go to the studio to draw, just tell me how it was later.” He put on a nice smile and stood up, letting Hyungwon slide down his lap and searching for the shirt he had thrown somewhere unidentifiable for his eyes. The black-haired stepped to the side and pointed at a corner of the living room, again visibly uncomfortable. Hoseok grabbed the shirt and pulled it over his head. It was like an armour.    
  
_ If you wear it, he won’t touch you.  _ __  
__  
It was like a whole world full of rules he couldn’t understand. Slipping back into his shoes and jacket, he turned around, blowing Hyungwon a kiss and disappeared in the stairway.    
  
_

 

  
It was Monday, the day was fully booked and Hoseok didn’t have the time to talk to Changkyun about what had happened, both of them working without a break and not even looking at each other, which was strange.   
  
_ He always comes to you, no matter what, he also comments or tells you he hates you, but there is just nothing. Why? _ __  
__  
He couldn’t bring himself to write or call Hyungwon yet, mind occupied with the strange situation. The main problem was that he didn’t have a solution. Why should he have called or written, if there was no result?   
  
_ Maybe the problem is you, Hoseok?  _ __  
__  
Everything would’ve been fine, if he wouldn’t have missed the other man so much that it hurt. It had started after the apartment door closed on Saturday afternoon and didn’t fade, no matter how hard he had tried to avoid thinking about it or distracting himself. Hyungwon was addicting and it wasn’t even sexual. Well it kind of was, but he had mainly missed the way the other sat on his lap, stroking his hair and kissing his lips, showering him with all the affection.   
  
_ Affection you apparently don’t really deserve, because you can’t even call or write him, although he told you that he can’t be the one coming to you all the time.  _ __  
__  
He had really wanted to talk to Changkyun but the other man left without saying bye, before he had realized. Hoseok had stayed back and finished up the preparations for the next day before finding his long lost balls and deciding to visit Hyungwon at work.   
  
_ Unannounced, because you already go there, although you hate the company. _ __  
__  
Closing up he decided to walk as it wasn’t far and looked at how his timberlands stepped through the puddles. It had been raining all day, but the water stopped just before he left the studio, as if knowing that he didn’t have an umbrella anyway.   
  
_ What will you tell him? That you missed him? _ __  
__  
Yes. The truth, that he really missed him, his grey moon, that he didn’t understand what was going on inside his head, making him miserable and making the current situation appear absolutely hopeless.   
  
_ You were there once, Hoseok, what happened for you to forget that you just wanted to be together? You told him you were a hurricane, but you act as if you’re a door. A closed door. _ __  
__  
The hallways were dark, just like the one time Hyungwon had almost fallen over his feet while he was drawing. He walked up to Hyungwon’s office, there were voices coming from the inside, but it didn’t matter, so he knocked shortly and opened the door.

Hyungwon was standing in the middle of the room, not too far from his desk, dressed in tight black pants and a gigantic black pullover as usual, but he wasn’t alone. The familiar long fingers were moving along inches of a naked, tattooed neck, sliding over the shoulders to an equally inked chest, Changkyun’s chest. Hyungwon was standing in his office and caressing a shirtless Changkyun.    
  
_ What the fuck are they doing? _ __  
__  
His heartbeat picked up and his brain immediately supplied him with similar situations and what they meant. 

Remembering being the one who had stood in front of the same desk, same long fingers running over his skin, he sucked in a breath and tried to decide on a course of action that did not involve violence.    
  
“Is it fun?” he pressed out, eyes narrowing and hands clenching into fists.

Hyungwon looked up, fingertips remaining on an intricate design on Changkyun’s tattooed chest and expression cheerful before his eyes widened suddenly and the smile disappeared. He stared at the shorter man in front of him for some reason, as if he expected a reaction instead of answering himself. Then Hyungwon turned to Hoseok again, biting down on his plump lower lip and finally pulling his fingers away.

“Well, I don’t know,” he murmured. “What exactly?”   
  
_ Changkyun that fucking asshole.  _ __  
__  
Hoseok really hadn’t thought that the other man would’ve gone as far as basically jumping his boyfriend, just to get revenge for whatever Hoseok had said or done before.    
  
“I thought I had warned you,” Hoseok hissed at the short black-haired man, who just looked at him with a strange expression on his face. It looked somehow hurt for no reason, although Hoseok should’ve been the one with the hurt expression on his face.   
  
“What do you want me to say?” Changkyun just stared at him, gaze firm and not looking guilty at all.    
  
__ He has no emotions whatsoever, of course he doesn’t feel guilty.

Hyungwon eventually put more distance between them, stepping away until his thighs hit the desk and looking back and forth, visibly concentrated and trying to comprehend the situation.

“But I thought I explained this to you last time, Hoseok. Please don’t be angry,” the tall black-haired said and pulled at the sleeves of his pullover, covering his palms with it. He looked uncomfortable.  
  
_Explained? He didn’t explain anything. It all didn’t make any sense._ __  
__  
_It never did._ __  
__  
“Stay out of it, it’s about him making my life hell. He’s doing all this just to make me angry.” He looked at Changkyun, but the strange expression remained. A hand raked through the black hair, golden inked skin shimmering in the light of Hyungwon’s lamp as the other man simply stared at him, without saying anything.  
__  
Hyungwon sighed and walked closer to him, taking his wrist carefully and establishing eye contact.

“There is no reason for you to be angry at Changkyun. He didn’t do anything, Hoseok, so please don’t blame him just like that,” he said slowly and rubbed the thumb over Hoseok’s pale wrist, eyebrows pulling together a little and lips red.   
  
How would Hyungwon know whether there was a reason to be angry at Changkyun or not?    
  
_ He didn’t tell you about meeting him. Twice. They were both half naked once. Hyungwon just touched his naked body and wants to protect him.  _ __  
__  
_ Are you stupid, Hoseok? _   
  
__ It’s not Changkyun who is unwanted in this situation. 

_ It’s you.  _ __  
__  
His heart pumped the blood furiously, lungs not getting enough oxygen although he sucked in a deep breath. Ripping his wrist out of Hyungwon’s grip, he turned around and walked out, stumbling along the hallways until he found the stairs and ran down to the exit. His brain processed Hyungwon’s voice, calling something, but his feet were pretty fast, increasing the distance between them. He didn’t want to be talked to, he didn’t want to be touched, he just wanted to be covered by water, nothing else but water, blurring everything around him and making him forget everything that happened.    
  
__ Chaos met chaos. There’s no place for you.    
  
Walking back in the pouring rain reminded him of the one time he had walked home after trying to dissolve in a puddle. It didn’t help, it never did, but the water was giving him the feeling of his body back, drops hitting his face, tears and sweat dissolving in the rain and flowing down his cheeks.    


The apartment looked the same, blue cupboards and a big beige couch in the living room, the glass in the bar, transparent liquid flowing into it, disappearing inside his mouth, leaving a burning trail and an empty vessel. He looked at the shape of the glass, his pale hand holding it in an iron grip, unnecessary considering the light weight, before he reached back and threw the transparent object against the wall, watching it shutter into tiny pieces, covering the floor and surfaces of the blue furniture.   
  
He walked over to the Kandinsky painting and pulled out the drawing he created in the night, when the moonlight was shining on Hyungwon’s golden body, giving him the feeling that everything was possible. The blue moon was sinking into the sea, the border seamless, blue watercolor dissolving it and making it seem as if it was one entity.    
  
_ It’s not. _ __  
__  
It hurt so much. He collected the glass smithers, blood dripping down his hand.   
  
_ Hyungwon hates it, you have to clean it up.  _   
  
The floor was clean again, drops of blood collecting in the palm of his hand, but it didn’t change anything, nothing changed. He felt like standing in front of an impossibly high and broad wall.    
  
_ There it is. _ __  
_  
_ __ Your border.

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	22. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re the last person he wants to see right now.

The pencil was scratching over the paper continuously, creating complex geometric patterns and lines without a break. Whenever one pattern ended Hyungwon just took the next empty sheet of paper and began the next, attempting to find something that fit to the detailed image in his head, a complex arrangement of inked figures on golden skin that had only a small white space remaining. A tiny spot of empty canvas. A spot Hyungwon desired to fill with something of his own.

Seeing the intricate designs and becoming aware of how similar Hoseok and him were, at least in their earlier works, had been eye opening and the desire to complete what Hoseok had begun was almost unbearable. It easily compared with Hyungwon’s constant wish to throw his control at the beautiful man and that was meaningful in itself.

He hadn’t asked the fully tattooed male yet whether he would be interested in letting Hyungwon fill it out, but there was no point in asking him if he hadn't decided on the artwork yet. The ideas were endless and he had already calculated a few rather fitting lines and motifs, but sketching them on paper without constantly seeing the inked skin was difficult. 

Geometric arrangements were more difficult to create free hand, especially if they had to fit to others. A human face could be remembered in its recognizable features, small adjustments not ruining the impression. However as soon as the angle of a line was off, or the diameter was incorrect a geometric motif could be ruining not only itself, but also everything around it. Hyungwon had to make sure to get it right.

_ You’ll have to ask him, so that you have the allowance and can get it right at the same time. _

Hyungwon removed a few loose strands from his forehead and took out his phone, mustering the appearing numbers on the dial and trawling through his memory to remember the digits that create Changkyun’s phone number. It wasn’t difficult because he had stared at them long enough before calling the short male last time, hesitating due to his hatred for communicating without facial expressions.

_ If you write you have to wait. Get an answer quickly and then be done with it, Hyungwon. _

He took a deep breath and pressed dial, drawing his calming pattern on his thigh, fabric of his jeans thin enough to perceive his fingertips perfectly. When the regular slow beeping was interrupted by the sound of an established line Hyungwon began speaking.

“I memorized your number, so you don’t have to ask where I have it from. I saw the empty space on your skin, the one that stretches over your neck, along a thin line over your shoulders to the center of your solar plexus. I want to fill it and wanted to ask you whether you will let me and whether you would come over so I can arrange it perfectly with the other motifs. I have to calculate a few angles to get it right and I don't want to do that freehand. It’s permanent after all.” He took a deep breath after finishing and waited for a response, watching the beauty of his favourite painting across the room, colors less vibrant in the dark. His small lamp wasn’t bright enough to illuminate more than his desk.   
  
The other man laughed genuinely on the other end of the line, sucking in a short breath, before speaking.   
  
“It all makes perfect sense. But I want to see what you would draw and decide whether I want it, okay? I just saw you draw Hoseok, so you have to show me first. Where do you want to meet?” 

_ He said yes, not completely but there is no doubt that he will say yes after you show him what you want to do, Hyungwon. _

He relaxed his body posture and stopped his calming pattern, crossing his legs and leaning against his office chair instead.

“Just come to my office. I can send you the address if you like.”   
  
“Fine. When? I have appointments till eight, after that I’m free. Jooheon hates clothing with buttons, you’re fine with it right? I’m wearing a button down.” Hyungwon pulled his eyebrows together in surprise, quickly checking with himself whether he minded button downs. Not really, he even wore them once in a while if the fabric was right.

“It’s six, so just come right after your last appointment. I don’t mind button downs as long as the fabric is right, just please make sure it’s not orange, otherwise I’ll lose my shit,” he replied and instantly felt a shudder run down his back at the thought of confronting someone in an orange article of clothing again. The other chuckled and confirmed the time, hanging up after Hyungwon said his goodbye.

A smile appeared on his lips and he continued his drawings, placing a mass of thin lines on the next empty sheet of paper, easily bridging two hours. He hadn’t even filled all of the prepared paper when Kyungsoo appeared and told him that there was an unfamiliar man wishing to see him. 

_ Right, you didn’t tell him, so of course they wonder who the fuck he is and what he wants. _

“Let him in, I invited him,” Hyungwon replied calmly and stood up, arranging his drafts more carefully and putting all his drawing materials where they belonged. Then he sat down on his desk and took an exhaustive look at all the variations he had created.   
  
The other man knocked and came in, smiling widely and looking around, stopping in front of the bustling aquarelle.    
  
“Wow, that’s my favourite, I really like geometric patterns,” the low voice commented, as the short man observed the details of the painting intently. Hyungwon couldn’t help the immediate burst of euphoria in his chest and he jumped down from the desk, leaving the sketches on the smooth surface and walked over to his favourite piece.

_ He has similar taste, Hyungwon. You have something in common, that’s always the best people and the easiest ones to talk to. _

“That’s also my favourite one! This means that you probably realized that it fits perfectly with the pattern arrangement, including each of the patterns on the surrounding works of art and thereby creating continuity that stretches through everything. I also really love patterns. I draw them all the time. Humans are actually more of an exception because I only put them on paper to understand emotions,” Hyungwon elaborated cheerfully and pointed at the one geometric motif on the bustling aquarelle that appeared on the surrounding ones, creating the golden middle. “The way this one stands out and combines with the others is the reason for placing it central. It calms me down to look at it.”   
  
“Ah, the others are basically arranged around this one, makes sense. You have a nice office, it’s amazing that you are so incredibly successful.” Changkyun turned around and smiled. “I already know that Kandinsky can draw, so I’m looking forward to see what you can do.” 

Hyungwon grinned at the compliment and got closer to Changkyun, unbuttoning his shirt effortlessly while answering. He wanted to see where to put the pattern afterall and how it had to look. 

“Thank you for saying that. I put a lot of work into communicating with people and didn’t really expect to be CEO. Drawing was already enough for me, but like this I can be more picky about the works of art that we produce. And the fabric of the shirts too. We don’t make anything orange.”   
  
“That was honestly the weirdest conversation I had while being undressed by another man, but fair enough.” Changkyun put on a playful smile, and slid his shirt from the tattooed shoulders. 

_ Not the case for you. Minhyuk had said that almost every conversation qualified for an award. _

Hyungwon smiled back and took a careful look at the inked skin, walking around the other man once to identify the spot that he had seen and liked last time. It was just as he had remembered, spanning over the neck, a small area on the shoulder and finishing beautifully on the solar plexus. To make sure he let his fingertips touch the delicate patterns around it, following them slowly and memorizing the qualities, angles and curves especially.

“Is it fun?” a familiar voice asked from the direction of the door. Hyungwon immediately recognized Hoseok’s voice and felt happy at the fact that the other man would visit him in the evening. That was until he saw the expression on the artist’s face. It was one that he hadn’t seen before, especially not directed at him, eyes widened a little and lips pulled together. It resembled hurt but it wasn’t the same.

_ Why is he hurt? _

Hyungwon glanced towards Changkyun, hoping that the other man understood more of the situation than he did, but the shorter male also wore an unreadable facial expression. There was no way for Hyungwon to comprehend without help, so he looked back to Hoseok and decided to answer himself, as well as he could.

“Well, I don’t know,” he murmured. “What exactly?”

_ If he tells you what concerns him you can possibly help. _

Apparently his answer was in no way of interest to Hoseok as he just spit something that sounded like a threat infused with hatred towards the fully-tattooed man, accusing him of something and sounding impossibly furious. Desperate to solve the conflict Hyungwon attempted to remind Hoseok of their talk on Saturday, how Hyungwon had told him that they checked out each others tattoos but Hoseok wanted to hear none of it, raising his voice and merely telling him to stay out of it.

_ But why would you stay out of it if you know the truth? Hoseok misunderstood and he wouldn’t listen to Changkyun. Solve it, Hyungwon. _   


Changkyun remained fully passive so there was no reason to remain quiet himself, walking towards Hoseok to make sure he could tell that Hyungwon was genuine and meant every word. He curled his long fingers around the pale waist, warm to the touch, and established eye contact as he had learned needed to be done when saying something important. Hoseok needed to calm down and see that there was no reason to be angry or upset.

“There is no reason for you to be angry at Changkyun. He didn’t do anything, Hoseok, so please don’t blame him just like that,” Hyungwon explained calmly and rubbed over the artist’s wrist as a reassurance.

Opposed to the calm and disappearance of anger that he had expected the facial expressions that passed over Hoseok’s face in quick succession were everything but positive. It was a potent mixture of several emotions Hyungwon didn’t recognize, one that finished on the one expression that he had promised himself to never see on the beautiful man with sea-colored hair.

_ You hurt him, Hyungwon. You promised yourself that you wouldn’t but you did. _

Hoseok was fast, ripping his wrist from his tender grip and disappearing through the door. Hyungwon panicked, standing still for only a few seconds before he rushed after the blue-haired man, following him to the staircase and calling his name, saying that he misunderstood, that there was no reason to be hurt and that he should listen to him, but it was absolutely futile. Once he arrived at the exit only darkness and rain met him, no sign of Hoseok and no idea what to do now that he was the cause of the painful emotion on the beautiful man’s face.

_ You’re the last person he wants to see right now.  _

_ The last one. _

He ran up the stairs again, entering his office and successfully cheating his body into believing that the hyperventilating was due to physical strain instead of the panic that rose in his throat and numbed his limbs, pain shooting through his temples and narrowing down his vision, slowly but surely. He couldn’t even tell where exactly Changkyun was standing when he threw himself on his couch and rolled up, begging his head to calm down so he could do something about the situation, anything to make Hoseok feel better.

But he couldn’t.

_ Because you are helpless on your own, Hyungwon. How do you want to help him if you are the one who requires help the most? _ _  
_ _  
_ Warm palms pressed against his ears, isolating every sound coming from the outside and turning everything into complete silence. It was calming, blackness swallowing everything around him except for the sound of his breaths, regular and loud.

Time passed. Hyungwon didn’t know how much but his awareness of his limbs returned, feeling how he was lying on a soft surface, resembling the couch in his office. There were still warm hands pressed to his ears and his breathing was calm, arms curled around his legs. He let go and opened his eyes slowly.

_ You had a meltdown. _

“Where is Hoseok?” he asked, somehow knowing that it was the only important question he had to ask as soon as his eyes met Changkyun’s dark ones. The other man removed his hands slowly, looking at his facial expression and holding a finger under his nose.    
  
“Probably home. Are you okay? Do you need a blanket? Or pressure against your ears?” the low voice asked quietly. Hyungwon nodded before shaking his head twice at the questions, answering in chronological order before he sat up, taking another deep breath. Changkyun was amazingly aware of what to do when he lost himself, actions helpful and coordinated. He didn’t look scared at all.

“Thank you,” Hyungwon whispered. He tried to reflect on what happened and why he lost it, throwing himself into a meltdown and curling up. His eyes widened almost immediately at the memory and he buried his nails in his thigh, almost choking on air and breathing speed increasing.

_ Don’t lose it again, Hyungwon. You need to act. _

“What am I supposed to do now, Changkyun? I hurt him. I promised myself not to, but he had that facial expression I told you about. It was exactly that one. What if he tries to drown in a puddle and I can do absolutely nothing?” Hyungwon was devastated, scared that Hoseok would do something he couldn’t control and hurt himself again.   
  
The other seemed in thought, playing with the fabric of his shirt, hanging loosely over the slim shoulders.    
  
“I think you have to calm down first, it’s a pretty bad idea to go to him when he’s like this. He might throw stuff at you. Actually he probably won’t even open the door. I’ll have to mobilize Hyunwoo, he has the second apartment key. The drowning, I hope he won’t. The struggle is actually that he listens to what you have to say, or I, but I honestly prefer if you wouldn’t talk to him until at least tomorrow. He is very...scary.” The small fingers curled around his hand and squeezed it tightly. 

Hyungwon attempted to focus on the way his blood rushed in his ears, anything that was regular and didn’t fall apart around him. Changkyun’s words made sense. There was no way that Hoseok wanted to see him, but Hyungwon had always learned that waiting out misunderstandings could hurt more and make everything even worse.

_ But he knows him better than you, Hyungwon. _

“I need to distract myself,” he murmured, and rubbed over the fingers that held his hand, focusing on the way the skin felt and how he performed a regular motion, fitting to the speed of blood through his veins, rushing almost identical. “I need to draw or I’ll just melt again.”

He felt the unbearable need to cry so he just did, tears collecting instantly and spilling down his cheeks, releasing some of the built up pressure but not helping the problem.

_ He probably hates you now and you don’t even know why. _ _  
_ _  
_ Changkyun kneeled down in front of him, curling the arms around his shoulders and pressing him closer.    
  
“Don’t cry, everything will be fine. He really- I mean really, really likes you. He just hates me. It’ll be fine. I’ll try to talk to him, but tomorrow because he might just choke me.” The other chuckled, but it didn’t sound like a joke. Hyungwon nodded, swallowing and begging himself to stop crying and be functional again.

“Why is he hurt, Changkyun? What happened? I don’t understand. Is he hurt because I wish to add to his artwork?”   
  
“He’s jealous,” the other answered quietly, wiping tears from his cheeks and patting his back. “He thinks that you like me more than him, which is of course bullshit, but it might seem strange to him that we get along well all of the sudden. So his genius brain probably came up with the idea that I seduced you or some crap and that you’re hooked now.” Changkyun sighed, tilting his head to the left. “Do you have water here? You need to keep hydrated, you must be thirsty from all the hyperventilating.” 

_ He’s jealous. Thinking that you like Changkyun more than him although the only one who really had a reason to be jealous before was you. _

“But even if I wanted to I couldn’t just switch my person in two days, Changkyun. That’s not how my brain works. Why does he think like that?” Hyungwon bent a finger on his right hand as a sign that he answered the first part of Changkyun’s answer and continued. “I should have water in the right corner, but I don't know if I’m thirsty. You can drink some if you like. It’s healthy.”   
  
The other man stood up, walking over to the spot and getting a bottle of water out, before sitting down on the couch next to him.    
  
“No you drink, you probably don’t even know whether you’re dehydrated or not.” He opened the bottle and put it in Hyungwon’s hand. “I know all this, but he doesn’t because you didn’t tell him about you being autistic, did you? He probably thinks you’re just unique. The problem is just that there are some things that won’t change and I think he might need to know.” 

Hyungwon shook his head violently before taking a few sips from the bottle. The liquid running down his throat felt good so he drank some more, emptying most of it.

“I don’t want him to treat me differently. He’s definitely going to once he knows. That’s what always happens. He’ll also think that I’m ill and that he can’t treat me normally,” he whispered, discomfort rising again and reminding him of the few times he had actually told somebody of his diagnosis. “My art was rejected a few times because I told them I’m autistic and that had absolutely nothing to do with my behaviour.”

Changkyun shook his head slowly, keeping his eyes closed, before he opened them and looked at Hyungwon’s face.   
  
“Hoseok is not like that. He really isn’t. I’m pretty sure he won’t treat you like that. I know that it’s not my business, but he talked to me about being the opposite of you and that it concerned him. He told me that he loved the way you are different from everything he knows. It is not weird to him at all, I just personally think it might help him understand a couple of things better.” The small hand wiped another tear. 

_ No, Hyungwon. Don’t tell him. You musn’t. It never ends well. _

“I- I can’t, Changkyun. I just can’t tell him,” Hyungwon answered and bit down on his lower lip, adding another sensation to the feeling of tears running down his face. “I believe you, but I still can’t do it.” 

Searching for something to focus on or occupy himself with his eyes settled on the collection of drawings on his desk. “Can I show you my ideas? I need to think about something else to reduce my general state of stress, otherwise I’ll just black out again and I hate it.”   
  
Changkyun curled his arms around him again, wiping away the rest of the salty liquid and standing up.    
  
“Show me. You better be fucking amazing because otherwise the whole shitshow would’ve been in vain.” The other man grinned at him. Hyungwon attempted to smile through the emotional pain, but it wasn’t very successful as his limited amount of self-feedback told him, mouth not feeling quite right in the muscle position. He stood up as well, a little shaky on the legs and grabbed the drawings from the desk, holding them out to Changkyun. 

“The last two fit the best with the other patterns you have and it will be easy to make them perpendicular or add more curves to make them more alive. Depending on what you prefer I would adjust it, but I think filling it out would be beautiful. I could stare at it for hours but I think adding what I have in mind could prolong it to forever, like a washing machine tumbling,” Hyungwon explained as he watched the shorter man’s face.

_ Just think about art, Hyungwon. Nothing else. Just art. _ _  
_ _  
_ “Okay prepare to bend your fingers, we’re going to count. First, you’re fucking talented, oh boy, I see why Hoseok got hooked and was drawing moons the whole day long. Second, you’re hilarious, your perception is like a fruit salad, so super fresh and rich in variety. Third, I’ll need Hoseok to tattoo it so we will need to get him back to the rational thinking humans soon. Got it?” Changkyun kept grinning, probably trying to distract him. It worked, Hyungwon smiled at the compliment and felt happy that the other man agreed to let him fill out the space.

“Would you take off the shirt again, so that I can make a quick sketch of your upper body and therefore make the right draft?” he asked before taking an empty sheet of paper and a hard pencil. His eyes fell on one of the several recent drawings of Hoseok he had created, newer emotions displayed and making him emotional automatically. “Do you think we can return Hoseok?” he asked quietly.   
  
“As long as he’s not dead, yes. Otherwise it’d be problematic.” The other man took off the shirt and put it on the chair. “He just needs to calm down and we need Hyunwoo probably. I already had two or three situations that were similar in the pattern. But he seems more hurt with you, the trigger doesn’t really need to be that strong,” Changkyun commented and turned around, for Hyungwon to draw. 

The fear at Hoseok feeling more hurt than what Hyungwon had already seen filled out his limbs, starting at the fingertips and he froze in place. Unable to move his hand he took a few deep breaths, focusing on the intricate paths of the black ink, trying to draw and not be immobile but it was hard.

“The last time I hurt someone I never saw them again,” Hyungwon whispered, fingers finally curling around the pencil that he had dropped in shock.   
  
“There’s nothing that can’t be solved by angry fucking,” the low voice commented, as if to himself. 

“We never had any angry fucking.” Hyungwon looked up properly, watching the expression on Changkyun’s face and trying to make sense of it. His relationship with Hoseok seemed dramatically different from how the black-haired constantly described it. More controlled and organized somehow although Hoseok hated those two things passionately. “I usually solved problems by stroking his hair and kissing or talking it out. I’m not sure if he will let me do any of those things.”    
  
Changkyun narrowed his gaze and tilted his head. It looked more like the way the other man had looked at him before they got close.    
“He most definitely won’t, that’s what I’m saying. Which is why I said angry fucking. That might sound dumb, but it works with him. It’s like some kind of brain restarting machinery. He’s able to think clearly after that, which is why it was a thing in our relationship back then. We’re both crazy, so we fought very often, unlike you two. It always got solved like this. Even after I came back, he didn’t want to talk to me, but after I sat on him everything was more or less fine.” The other man grinned and bit down on his lower lip. “Sorry for the details.” 

_ They were so different, Hyungwon. You basically never fight unless there is a misunderstanding and then you cry or get a meltdown and Hoseok gives up. _

Hyungwon placed the first few lines of the outline of Changkyun’s upper body on his paper, emphasizing the way the other man was slim but lean, filling out the bodily details before doing the actual tattoos.

“I don’t care about details. Words like these rarely make me uncomfortable. If we fought, which wasn’t often, it usually ended in me getting a meltdown and Hoseok hugging me while apologizing. How the hell does angry fucking even work?” Hyungwon swallowed again, unsure whether he would ever be able to pull something like that off without panicking due to the misunderstanding itself.   
  
“It will start with the attempt to solve things with words, like normal humans do, Hoseok not wanting to listen, you being desperate and hot, trying to use kissing or something like this, and ending with Hoseok being the fucking animal he is and taking you on every possible surface while making you scream into his face. I guess.” Changkyun started laughing at his own description, trying to calm down after a couple of seconds, breathing in and out slowly. “Either way, it’s called angry fucking because the problem is solved after the sex, do you get it?” 

Hyungwon nodded, placing the first strokes of the tattoos on Changkyun’s left arm on the paper, making sure to get the details right and copy every line.

_ But you would never be conscious enough for this. _

“But I am unable to act once we get close sexually. I turn off my brain because that is what he wants from me. I technically lose control.” Hyungwon bit his lip again, unable to see himself as purposefully instigating something similar unless it involved him throwing himself at Hoseok and being unable to act otherwise, blurring out everything around him including the conflict. In addition he didn’t want to elaborate any further. Hoseok was the only one who really knew what happened to him when he lost control and Hyungwon really wanted to keep it that way.

_ He’s special, Hyungwon. He always was. _   
  
“Oh god, it’s even better, then enjoy the ride, it’ll be awesome. Honestly, if someone had told me that I’d be sitting half naked in your office, wiping your tears and giving you relationship advice regarding Hoseok I would’ve called an ambulance. Holy fuck.” The expressive black-haired man laughed shortly before looking Hyungwon in the eyes. “But it’s nice like that, I really like you. You’re like my second brother, who hates orange and can draw like a champ.” 

Hyungwon smiled, adding more lines and genuinely hoping that Changkyun was right with his predictions about Hoseok. He wouldn’t be able to pick himself back up and continue with his routine if he wasn’t.

“Changkyun,” he whispered, finishing up the intricate designs and beginning to draw the face to make the artwork complete. As soon as the main features graced the white sheet he looked up at the other man, establishing eye contact. “Thank you.”

_ If you don’t fix it you might really stay in the blackness this time, Hyungwon. Don’t let it swallow you up. _

But Hoseok was the sea. Even if there was a low tide there had to be a high tide eventually, water returning to the beach and covering everything in beautiful blue, mixing with the sand-color just the way it was supposed to.

_ He said that the sea needs the moon. Let’s hope he was right. _

 

***

  
  
The buzzing of the phone simply didn’t stop, messages, phone calls, messages again. Hyungwon, Changkyun, Hyungwon again, it was a mess. Hyunwoo had visited Tuesday, after he had said that he won’t come to the studio for a week at least, acting ill and shifting all the appointments to upcoming weeks. Thankfully his best friend didn’t ask questions and had simply told him to get his love life under control, making sure he wasn’t dead and also not endangered in any way. Hoseok had asked him not to visit again as he needed space.    
  
_ Yes, so you can be fucking angry in peace and not see Changkyun and Hyungwon.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Both of them.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Assholes.  _ _  
_ _  
_ He had been really sad the first three days, not eating properly and going out into the rain at night, getting soaked and coming back home completely frozen. It didn’t really change anything besides giving him a lung infection. He was acting like an idiot.    
  
_ You are an idiot, Hoseok. This is the reason for not getting the situation from the start. _ _  
_ _  
_ He had been dumb, not realizing the way both men behaved around him, getting so close that Changkyun talked about Hyungwon getting meltdowns only from touching him.   
  
_ Didn’t really seem like that though. He was perfectly fine having his hands all over Changkyun’s body.  _

_ Fucking liar.  _ _  
_ _  
_ Thinking how Hyungwon might have shown Changkyun the same things Hoseok had seen made his lungs clench from jealousy and hyperventilation took over, leaving him breathless and bitter.    
  
_ You’re not special, Hoseok. You have never been. Why are you so extra dumb? _ _  
_ _  
_ He didn’t even know who he was more angry at, probably Hyungwon. His ex-boyfriend was a ruthless person, not caring much about anything but his own good. The situation wasn’t surprising at this point.    
  
_ He even warned you. At least he told you just the way it was without lying into your face and keeping secrets, like Hyungwon, who said he doesn’t lie.  _ _  
_ _  
_ The way the two men behaved towards each other was more than strange, where did the close relationship come from? Drawing him?    
  
Bullshit.    
  
His thoughts were interrupted by loud knocking on his apartment door. A glimpse at the display revealed the ridiculously handsome Hyungwon standing in front of his door, looking like a fucking model, whereas he wore sweatpants without a shirt and looked like shit.    
  
_ He must be doing fine. _ _  
_ _  
_ “Hoseok, come on, open up. We need to talk,” he called through the wooden door, voice strained and low, just like he remembered it.   
  
_ No fucking way. Look at him, you’ll just jump him like an animal. _ _  
_ _  
_ “No way,” Hoseok called back, walking over to the kitchen and turning on the coffee machine. He heard a muffled voice through the door, but the buzzing was sufficient to blend it out, words incoherent and impossible to identify. Just that they unfortunately continued even when the hot liquid had finished dripping into his cup.

“Hoseok, you misunderstood. Please let me explain. I beg you, open the door.”   
  
_ He needs to go, Hoseok, you can’t talk to him now. _ _  
_ _  
_ “I won’t listen to you so just go. Preferably to Kkung, he knows how to comfort people,” he yelled out of the kitchen.

“I don’t fucking want Changkyun, I want you, Hoseok. I told you I’m attached. I can’t fucking be with anyone else even if I wanted to!” Hyungwon called back, voice louder than before and laced with more desperation. “And I don’t want to. I want you.”   
  
_ He is suffering from useless emotional attachment. Asshole. _   
  
Blood boiled in his veins at the reasoning. Hyungwon was attached, so he needed him? 

It was enough, he didn’t even bother looking in the mirror, or wearing a shirt when he walked over to the door, ripped it open and stared right into the beautiful, brown eyes, huge from the surprise.   
  
“Fuck off,” he hissed, looking for a second before slamming the door shut. 

It was quiet for a few minutes but nothing moved, Hyungwon remaining in front of the door instead of doing what Hoseok told him to do, namely fuck off.

“I- if you really want me to leave, Hoseok, I will. Do you?” he heard from behind the door, voice soft and barely audible.    
  
Hoseok turned around and wanted to shout something before he saw the drawing on the table. The blue moon drowning in the ocean.    
_ You could give it to him. It’s his anyway, he can go away then. _ _  
_ _  
_ He took a pen and wrote ‘Let’s stop being delusional’ on the back and opened the door, placing the paper on the floor and closing it again, without looking up.    
  
Again it was silent, only the sound of his breaths audible in the apartment. Moments passed without the other man moving behind the door until the dull scratching of shoes on concrete signified that Hyungwon had finally left.   
  
He opened the heavy wood, without any reason to do so and stared at the floor, a piece of paper lying on it, but not his own. He picked it up and stared at the drawing. It was unusual, not corresponding to anything Hoseok had seen Hyungwon draw before. Instead of a face or a pattern it was metaphorical, soft strokes showing the sea, very similar to the way Hoseok had done, but infused with the same emotion the black-haired put into every drawing of his, each one that showed him and his emotions. There was a moon too, a grey one, but instead of drowning in the water it seemed like the blue waves embraced it, curving around it without covering any of its details. Small drops of blue water infused into the grey color, but didn’t hide any of it, just adding to the fine lines.    
  
_ Why is he making it so hard? _ _  
_ _  
_ He stood in the door, wearing sweatpants only and staring at the small picture, lump forming in his throat, before he turned the paper, staring at the words written in the other man’s terrible handwriting. ‘Your words mean nothing to me, but your drawing does.’   
  
_ Bullseye. _ _  
_ _  
_ Hoseok couldn’t help the tears flowing down his cheeks, it was pathetic, it really was. He wasn’t even able to be angry properly, the other man ruining every resolution. But it didn’t change the facts, it just made it hurt more. 

A lot more.   
  
_

  
  
It was Friday. Was it Friday? It might have been, but Hyungwon hadn’t called. Changkyun did, a lot more than usual, but Hoseok still wasn’t ready to talk and also wasn’t sure he would ever be. 

Everything would’ve made sense if Hyungwon hadn’t left the drawing in front of his door. The small picture was already engraved in his memory, the hours he had been staring at the strokes, imagining how Hyungwon must’ve moved his long fingers to place the dot, or the line on the paper, occupying his mind. The messily written letters on the back were avoided by him religiously, the reason was simple. It reminded him of everything he loved about Hyungwon. How the beautiful man didn’t care about words, how he was immediately able to see everything Hoseok had put inside his drawings, how mesmerizingly unique he was.    
  
_ He still is, it’s just not for you to see anymore.  _ _  
_ _  
_ His apartment seemed so incredibly stuffy, every little thing had made him more angry than he actually was, which had made the decision to go to the studio easier. He wanted to put the picture under his skin. The thigh seemed a good spot he could ink himself and he decided to go with the machine and hand poke for the tiny dots.    
  
Opening the door and stepping into the lobby he completely forgot the fact that he was there.   
  
_ Changkyun. Oh no. _ _  
_ _  
_ Images of the man naked, being touched by Hyungwon’s long fingers flooded his head immediately, but he stared at the coffee machine, as if it would’ve helped.    
  
“It’s you. You look okay, that’s nice,” the low voice greeted him, as the short man came out, pulling down the black gloves from the delicate hands. He was wearing a tight black shirt and black jeans, ripped on the thighs, showing the golden skin graced with his earlier works.    
  
Hoseok ignored him as much as he could, placing the cup under the machine and pressing the familiar button. Changkyun went to the hook and started pulling the leather jacket over his arms and shoulders, staring at him intently.   
  
“Actually I don’t even care what you think about me, because the stuff you said into my face makes me want to choke you and scream at you to never talk to me ever again, but don’t do that to him, Hoseok, he didn’t do anything. The suffering is no fucking joke and if you wouldn’t be that ignorant, angry bastard you are, you would have realized what it means to him.” The other sounded angry. At him. For no fucking reason. Protecting Hyungwon.   
  
_ What is this fucking drama about? Now they protect each other. You should be the one who’s angry. _ _  
_ _  
_ “You can make up for the loss then, now that you’re so close,” Hoseok huffed, gulping the espresso down in one go and walking over to the printer to make a draft.    
  
“At least I understand what he’s going through. Now that you’re talking about compensation, maybe I should, just so you understand what an idiot you are,” Changkyun hissed at him and left the studio.

Hoseok was furious, he wanted to wipe surfaces and throw things.    
  
_ The tattoo. You wanted the tattoo. Will be a nice goodbye present. _ _  
_ _  
_ The lump in his throat got bigger as he prepared the draft and filled the containers with ink, putting the needle into the machine and deciding to ink the drawing directly into the hole on his left thigh.    
  
_ What are procedures anyway. You don’t need shit like that.  _ _  
_ _  
_ The tingling pain released some of his tension, useless emotions flowing into the ink under his skin, spreading with the waves of the sea, surrounding the grey moon.    
  
_ You won’t ever tattoo the full moon, will you? _ _  
_ _  
_ There was no full moon for him, just like the frame was empty.    
  
_ You should stop being delusional. Listen to your own advice. _ _  
_ _  
_ It was a mess. He tattooed the drawing but he couldn’t resist in making the moon blue. Why did he do that? As a rebellion against the fact that it was somehow over and he didn’t manage to become the safe haven he had wanted to be? That he didn’t manage to make the moon blue? That Hyungwon didn’t give him the cake he wanted to have so badly, swinging the cherry before his eyes just to give it to someone else?    
  
_ It just has to be blue. The end.  _ _  
_ _  
_ Hoseok stood up, cleaning the surfaces and putting the foil over the freshly inked skin. It looked beautiful, but he was dumb. Looking at the picture hurt him full force and it would probably continue doing so.    
  
_ Yes, why didn’t you tattoo his ethereal face, so you can realize the scale of the loss and cry?  _ _  
_ _  
_ Because he already had the other man’s face permanently engraved on his back.    
  
The bell of the studio sounded, pulling him back to the current situation and the fact that he was sitting on a chair and had just tattooed a drawing of a man who preferred someone else on his thigh, remaining as a reminder forever.   
  
_ You idiot.  _ _  
_ _  
_ But what was smart behaviour anyway? He stood up and walked to the entrance, spotting a black-haired man looking around. After a second glance he recognized the familiar mesmerizingly symmetrical face.    
  
“Jin?”  _  
_ _  
_ Hyungwon’s older brother was standing in front of the door of his tattoo studio in all his glory, dressed formally and like he had just come from work, a pen stuffed into the chest pocket of his shirt in addition to a pair of glasses.

“Good evening, Hoseok. Mind if I come in?” the other man asked, voice calm but features not as overly friendly and welcoming as they had been during their first meeting.   
  
_ Oh no. Something happened. _ _  
_ _  
_ “Sure, sit down, coffee?” he asked, pointing at the coffee machine. Jin threw him a polite smile and walked in, getting comfortable on the couch after hanging up his coat and crossing his legs. Something about the older man on his couch made the situation seem rather surreal.

“Yes, please,” he said calmly while mustering Hoseok carefully and watching him handle the coffee machine. The brown liquid dropped inside the cup, almost painfully slow, making him uncomfortable. He finally removed the cup and put it in front of the other man, taking a seat across of him on one of his chairs on the side. Jin took a sip, grabbing the handle with his thumb and index finger like in a fucking sitcom and performing all of the motions impossibly slowly before he finally put it back down on the table and stared at Hoseok.

“It probably makes you uncomfortable, but do you think you would be able to tell me what happened?”   
  
_ Oh god, why? _ _  
_ _  
_ “Nothing special, Hyungwon and my ex-boyfriend got really close and there wasn’t much space for me anymore, between all the naked chest touching and everything.” Hoseok tried to sound nonchalant but his voice cracked in the middle giving out every fucking emotion he had felt at that moment. Like every fucking time.

Jin appeared slightly surprised, like he hadn’t heard the story yet before his face turned to genuine compassion instead and he nodded, taking another sip.

“That sounds like a rather painful sight,” he commented and brushed a hand through his hair, similar to the way Hyungwon did it when he was thinking. “However, what makes you think that Hyungwon would be physically capable of losing interest in you just like that?”   
  
_ Wait, what? _ _  
_ _  
_ “Because people lose interest. They think it’s exciting and then they find something more exciting. Changkyun somehow got very, very close, so it is perfectly possible like that,” he elaborated while gesturing with his right hand. Jin nodded again before taking a deep breath.

“That makes perfect sense for normal people, Hoseok. But you are aware that we are talking about the same person that hates changes and therefore also new and exciting things, right? He has not even once mentioned Changkyun, which makes him rather irrelevant to Hyungwon’s daily life, knowing him.” Jin took another sip without taking his eyes away from Hoseok. “In addition someone who has found something new and exciting doesn’t break his routine and sits at home moving from meltdown to meltdown and staring at the ceiling, Hoseok.”   
  
_ Oh fuck. Holy fuck. _ _  
_ _  
_ His heartbeat sped up, cold and hot sensations running over his skin immediately, mind fighting the instant reaction to run there.    
  
“What? Why? Why would he do that? Why is he like that? Oh fuck.” He buried his head inside his palms, breathing in and out repeatedly. “I told him that I’m not the person he should be with, why didn’t he just stay away like I told him? Why is he like this now?” Hoseok stared at Jin, waiting for the other to explain. The black-haired man sighed, licking over his lips shortly and leaned further against the black couch before answering. It seemed like Hoseok’s questions were surprising to him, easily answered with only a few words.

“Because he is autistic, Hoseok. He can’t help it.”   
  
_ Autistic? Hyungwon?  _ _  
_ _  
_ “Why would you say that he’s autistic? He’s perfectly fine. I spent the last two months with him. He’s okay, sure he has his blackouts and things he likes and doesn’t like, but he’s not autistic.” Hoseok stared at the other man, mouth open and eyes wide, not really comprehending what he was talking about. The facial expression that he saw on the other man was genuinely shocked for the first time, eyes widening a little and index finger and thumb putting the coffee cup back to the table without having taken a sip.

“I say that he’s autistic, because he had immense difficulties as a child, losing his temper and breaking things, unable to make friends and keep up social relations. Hyungwon continuously showed obsessive repetitive interests and eventually got diagnosed after a mass of trips to the psychotherapist, Hoseok. I know what I am talking about. He’s my brother.” Jin sighed, changing the leg that he crossed over the other. “Normal people don’t have meltdowns because of changes, not remembering what they did or whether they hurt anybody. Or rather neurotypical people. They don’t attach themselves to only one person, but are perfectly capable of holding up several friendships. Hyungwon can’t, because he is autistic.”   
  
The other man’s words seemed like a drug induced dream to him, voice ripping through, speeding up his heartbeat even more, realization hitting him like a brick in the face.    
  
“Holy fuck. He- he never told me. I just thought he was like that. I didn’t think anything like that.”    
  
“You are sweet, Hoseok,” Jin replied, eyes focusing on Hoseok as if he was trying to comprehend something about him. The other man’s smile seemed rather sad, corners of the mouth moving up strangely compared to his usual welcoming attitude. “I wish there were more people like you. I also wish Hyungwon would stop keeping it a secret, independent of how uncomfortable it makes him. I thought he would have told you, especially with the amount of times you have seen him lose control. I am surprised you never asked. It’s everything but usual.”   
  
Hoseok felt uncomfortable, it seemed as if Hyungwon’s brother thought that he was somehow ignorant.    
  
_ Changkyun said the same thing. He also said that you’re ignorant. _   
  
“But...I asked him whether it had always been like this, and what makes him feel at ease. I mean you’re telling me he is autistic, but I somehow don’t really consider him ill. I’m sorry. He’s not ill to me.” His facial expression became more determined. It didn’t matter, as long as it was not cancer or something Hyungwon could die of. He refused to consider the other man ill. “But, is there something I have to do?” _  
_ _  
_ Jin sighed again, taking the coffee cup and emptying it completely before throwing the coffee machine a longing glance.

“I consider it wonderful that you are so open-minded, Hoseok, but as you might have realized I am here because of a more serious issue. Kyungsoo has contacted me due to Hyungwon not coming to work. I don’t know how familiar or unfamiliar you are with autism, but breaking routine is a pretty big deal.” Hyungwon’s brother shifted a little as if he wanted to give Hoseok time to deal with what he had just heard before continuing. 

“I am here because I saw him and he wasn’t even able to tell me what happened, which is pretty damn bad. It means his motor functions are dead. What I want from you is first and foremost to figure out your own feelings and decide whether you wish to stay with him or not, because depending on that we need to choose who pulls him out of this. You are upset that he has interest for this man called Changkyun? That is impossible, as I have already told you. So it is up to you to decide whether you talk to him or not.” It was difficult to tell how Jin felt about the whole thing. He seemed worried, but appeared to have the skill of distancing his emotions from his facial expressions, unlike Hoseok.   
  
“I love him.”    
  
_ Well that was an amazing answer, Hoseok. _ _  
_ _  
_ He had never really been able to hide things from others. Sighing deeply he looked at Jin, who gave him a soft smile.   
  
“I am pretty angry, but I don’t want to be without him. Fuck, I really missed him. I just tattooed a drawing of his on my thigh, like an idiot.” He shook the head at himself. “He’s at home?” Hoseok lifted his gaze again. The other man met his eyes immediately, smile remaining on his lips and straightening his back, as if he prepared to leave.

“I am glad to hear that and your anger is perfectly justified. He’s not stupid and will understand your reasons if you explain to him, also undermine such behaviour in the future if you want him to. Thank you for being willing to work on this since you are currently his main person. There isn’t that much that I can do anymore as you have taken over.” Jin sighed again. It must have been a habit of his. “He’s at home, but he won’t be able to let you in. Would you like the spare key?”    
  
Hoseok nodded and stood up, taking his jacket and backpack, stretching out a hand for the other man to give him the key.   
  
_ You are his safe haven, Hoseok, but you just told him to fuck off. _

Jin stood up, fixing his suit pants although there was no point in doing so and throwing a short glance at his cellphone, eyebrows furrowing. Then he took out a small key from his coat pocket, handing it to Hoseok before sliding the coat over his shoulders.

“Would you like a ride?” he asked, polite smile returning and similarly long fingers sliding into the pockets. A few glances were sufficient to tell that Hyungwon and him were related. Hoseok nodded and closed the studio, sliding into the leather seat of the black mercedes, buckling up and equally dying on the inside. 

“I still can’t believe you doubted that he’s autistic although that’s basically my job,” Jin commented with a grin as he started the car, easily turning into a short laugh that resembled a windshield.   
  
“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? But I won’t treat him like an ill person. I really- I mean  _ really _ hate that. He’s unique and he’s amazing, I won’t let anybody touch him.” Hoseok finished, realizing the shiver that spread through his insides as they came closer to the street Hyungwon lived in. He wanted to see him. Immediately. 

“You’re rather special yourself, Hoseok. Thank you for liking him so much. I am really glad to see that.” Jin smiled again and parked right in front of the front door, easily placing the car into the limited space. “I’m leaving him to you then.”   
  
“Do you want to get feedback about how it went? Also can I have your number if something goes wrong?” Hoseok pulled his phone out of the pocket as Jin nodded and wrote down the number, waving the other man goodbye and running up to the entrance. The door opened and he walked inside, throwing his shoes somewhere and his jacket on the floor, walking through the living space and searching for Hyungwon. 

The sight of the apartment arrangement was disconcerting, books lying around and covering most of the ground instead of their clearly defined spots as Hoseok has seen the last time he had been there. The furniture was in place and the cupboard that Hyungwon had ripped from the wall was also safely attached, however random items littered the floors in each room, as if they had been pulled down from shelves or broken. Glass shards lay around at the entrance of the bedroom, resembling something that could have been a mirror or a reflecting plate once. 

He found Hyungwon in the bedroom, lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling, not moving at all. Even the rising and falling of his chest was so minimal that it was difficult to tell that he was breathing. The clothes on him were familiar, the same ones he had worn when he stood in front of Hoseok’s door, leaving the drawing that now graced his thigh.   
  
_ Holy shit. Holy fucking shit, Hoseok.  _ _  
_ _  
_ The response had been immediate, he crawled on the bed next to the motionless body, curling his arms around it, pressing it closer and whispering into the small curled ear.   
  
“I’m sorry, I’m so, so fucking sorry. Do you want to touch my hair? Mhm? You can do anything you want.” He felt like a broken balloon filled with water, tears flowing down his face as if someone died. Hyungwon didn’t react much, just his breath hitched at the way Hoseok had grabbed him, remaining passive and focused on the ceiling. Instead of a verbal answer or a gaze Hoseok could feel how long fingers curled around his wrist, squeezing it tightly as if they were unsure if it was really there.   
  
“Listen, just give it to me, I’ll show you.” He grabbed a hand, fighting against the other man’s muscle tension and pulled it towards his head, prepared to get hurt. Hyungwon exhaled harshly, trying to free his hand for a few seconds before he just gave up and let it be placed on top of Hoseok’s hair, eyes remaining on the ceiling without a break. 

A minute passed before the long fingers curled up and brushed over the soft strands, air leaving his lips faster than before. The hand around Hoseok’s wrist stopped squeezing and pressed down in a familiar pattern instead, switching the fingers and becoming more and more regular.   
  
_ You have no fucking idea what to do, why didn’t you ask Jin or something?  _ _  
_ _  
_ His hand went around the slim shoulders and he turned the body towards himself.    
  
“I’m sorry. What the fuck happened for your apartment to look like mine?” He chuckled through the tears, trying to get any kind of reaction. The way he turned Hyungwon towards himself seemed to have reached him a little as the big brown eyes finally left the ceiling and focused on him before widening suddenly. The black-haired didn’t say a word, but the recognition was obvious on his face, teeth biting down on his lower lip and arms curling around Hoseok’s neck, pulling him closer. It was sudden as Hyungwon just climbed on top of him, surrounding him with both arms and legs and burying his face in his shoulder, a sound that resembled a sob leaving his throat.   
  
The intensity overwhelmed him completely, he just couldn’t stop crying like a little kid, curling his arms around the impossibly thin body on top of him, raking a hand through the black hair and trying to get more body contact.    
  
“I’m sorry for saying that. I- I sometimes say things I don’t mean, I love you, I really do, I tattooed the picture you left on my thigh, like a crazy person, myself. I should’ve tattooed that I’m stupid right next to it.” He wanted to say something important, something about the way he felt but nothing but random facts came out of his mouth. Hyungwon just breathed against his neck, hot puffs of air leaving the plump lips as something wet stained Hoseok’s shirt and the exposed skin.

“But I thought you-” The black-haired paused, voice sounding impossibly strained like he hadn’t talked for weeks, infused with tears, soaking through. “I thought you didn’t want me there because- because the moon just drowns in the sea. There was pain on your face.”   
  
_ He misunderstood the drawing. _ _  
_ _  
_ “It’s not drowning, Hyungwon, it’s transcending into the sea, the border is blurred, the moon and the sea are like one entity,” he whispered, stroking over the other man’s head, weight adding up to the squeezing feeling around his lungs and tears just not stopping like a curse.    


“But I like drowning,” Hyungwon mumbled against his skin, fingers sinking into the blue strands of his hair and intertwining. “I always w-wanted to drown in you.” Talking sounded immensely difficult for him, like he was searching for the words and for the physical ability to pronounce them.   
  
“Drown in me then, do whatever you want, Hyungwon. I love you, I love you so much I want to give everything to you, take it all. I’m so sorry that I hurt you, I didn’t think I was that important to you.” He needed to stop crying, his voice was cracking and the only one who was allowed to cry was Hyungwon. 

“I can’t tell if you mean it b-because I don’t see your face. I hate words. I hurt you, Hoseok. Why are you here?” Hyungwon leaned back a little, eyes blurred with tears and teeth restlessly chewing on his lower lip, staring right at him. “I told you t-that you are my person, why wouldn’t you know that you are i-important then?”   
  
“Because words don’t mean anything,” he answered, staring right into the huge, brown eyes, feeling the liquid running down his cheeks. Hyungwon let a hand caress his face, rubbing over the soft skin and wiping some the the tears that had left streaks.

“Where are we? What day is it? I’m confused,” he murmured but didn’t look around, like he was scared of what he would see. “I still don’t understand why you are here and how it happened. Nothing makes sense but I feel strangely happy.”   
  
“It’s Friday, we’re in your apartment, don’t be confused. We’re going to get you ready for conversation first, wait a second.” Hoseok stood up and ran to the bathroom quickly, turning on the water and filling the bathtub, running back immediately, afraid that Hyungwon wasn’t stable enough yet, crawling back onto the bed. The black-haired hadn’t moved, just staring at the ceiling again and breathing calmly, pressing down his pattern on his thigh.    
  
“I’ll undress you and then you’ll take a bath. Deal?” Hoseok placed a kiss on the plump lips. Hyungwon just nodded, remaining in place and staring at him.    
  
_ Just do it. _ _  
_ _  
_ He opened the buttons of the shirt one after the other, fingers shaking from the adrenaline and the whole craziness of the situation. Lifting the upper body with one hand, he pulled the fabric down the long arms, letting the other man lean against his shoulder during the whole process.    
  
_ He probably didn’t eat and didn’t drink. His body is basically weightless. _ _  
_ _  
_ Opening the button of the ripped jeans, he slid down the bed and used both hands to pull them down the thin legs, leaving Hyungwon beautifully naked. Hoseok gave up on conversation and lifted the other bridal style, carrying him to the bathroom, feeling the water temperature with his foot.    
  
“I’ll put you into the water okay? Don’t get freaked out.” Hyungwon just nodded again, exhaling slowly and stroking through Hoseok’s hair once, not removing his eyes from his face.   
  
Hoseok leaned down slowly, holding the other man over the bathtub and letting him sink in carefully, after the black-haired was covered by water he exhaled sharply from the strain.    
  
_ Get him the apple banana meal. _ _  
_ _  
_ “Let’s say it’s breakfast, because you probably didn’t eat for ten years.” He held the peeled banana into the beautiful face. Hyungwon grabbed it with one hand while lifting the index finger of the other.

“Ten years makes no sense because I would be dead,” he commented with a frown and slid his teeth along the banana, chewing quickly and repeating the procedure. It looked like he was peeling it with his teeth instead of just biting into it. Suddenly the frown disappeared and he rolled his eyes. “It’s a hyperbole again, isn’t it? You meant that it’s a long time.”   
  
“It feels so good when you talk.” Hoseok kneeled in front of the bathtub, observing every movement on the other man’s face intently. Hyungwon seemed rather cheerful eating his banana and watching him in return, letting a few drops of water fall on his blue hair from his wet fingers and laughing shortly.

“It seems rather fascinating when your hair is wet. After all it is like the sea, so what happens then? Because the sea is already wet, so what would it have to be then? Is water even wet?”    
  
Hoseok started laughing, the adrenaline mixed with euphoria about the way Hyungwon behaved, hoping he wouldn’t start crying again.    
  
“It’s wet sand for sure.” He got a black bottle out of the shower and put a little on his hands. “Let me wash your hair.” His hands went over the wet, black strands, covering them in shampoo and massaging the other man’s scalp. Hyungwon smiled.

“This reminds me of when I was fourteen, because Jin always did that for me since I was a little too dumb to do it properly as a child. When I was fourteen I finally could so it stopped but it was a tradition. I only let him break it when he said it got really embarrassing due to our age,” he commented and closed his eyes, visibly enjoying the way Hoseok’s hands felt.   
_  
_ “Hm, I think it has something really intimate, it’s unusual but I love how your hair feels like and the way you seem to enjoy it.” He stopped and let Hyungwon lean back to get rid of the remaining shampoo.    
  
After he had taken a bath for about ten minutes, Hoseok got a black towel, gesturing for Hyungwon to come out. The black-haired stood up and placed his feet on the fluffy black carpet in front of the bathtub, lifting his hands and waiting for him to act further.

“Why did you come here, Hoseok?” he asked quietly, eyes focusing on his face, establishing proper eye-contact.   
  
“Why did you stop calling and writing?” he asked back, wrapping the towel around the thin hips. Hyungwon seemed surprised at the question, biting his lip again.

“I am not really aware of stopping. What do you mean?”   
  
“I told you to go away and you just did. Since when were you so obedient like that?” Hoseok asked, tilting his head to the left and anger returning slowly. The plump lips parted in realization, as if Hyungwon only now realized what Hoseok had been talking about.

“I-I tried calling and writing and messaging you, basically everything I could think of and then I came to see you, but you didn’t want me to and although your words don’t mean much and I didn’t know if you meant them the picture was straightforward to me. It looked like a goodbye to me and if you really don’t want me I don’t know what to do. I don’t really remember what happened after that to be honest. Now you’re suddenly here.” He gasped as if again realizing something. “I must have had a meltdown until now. Oh no.”   
  
“I thought you were all fine. Why weren’t you okay? You should’ve just talked to Changkyun or whatever. You did have a meltdown, Jin came, that’s the only reason for knowing.” He had to thank the other man later, for coming to find him. Hyungwon’s eyes just widened further and he froze in place.

“That means I didn’t come to work. Jin wouldn’t be getting involved if I had gone to work. What day was it when I came to you? I don’t know anymore. He must have been so bothered with this. He has so much to do.” The other man looked guilty, chewing his cheek and playing with his hands without a break. “Why would talking to Changkyun solve anything? He couldn’t have brought you back to me either.”   
  
“I thought you didn’t want me anymore.” Hoseok stated a fact, turning around and walking out of the bathroom, memories flooding his brain again. “It was Wednesday.”

Hyungwon followed him immediately, curling his long fingers around his wrist as if he feared that he would suddenly disappear again, eyes remaining wide and focused on him.

“But why would I? There is nothing I want more than I want you, Hoseok. I can’t change that just like that. I can probably not change that ever,” he muttered, gesturing with his free hand.   
  
He almost got really furious but Jin’s words echoed in his head, reminding him that it must have been the truth.    
  
“It’s just, it sounds as if you would like to change it, but you can’t. Why didn’t you tell me, Hyungwon? Why didn’t you tell me about meeting him? It felt like you stabbed me, do you understand? It felt like a fucking knife inside my lung. You touching him and everything, I thought I was dying for four days straight.” He felt how his eyes filled with tears, one already on the way down. He closed his eyes to try to stop it, hearing how Hyungwon hissed next to him, fingers tightening around the wrist they were holding, grip almost painful despite the weak limbs.

“But- no I don’t want to change it. I like it like this, with you. I told you before and so many times that I want to be with you and it was a choice.” The man next to him paused, as if answering the remaining questions in his typical chronological order was more difficult than the first ones. “I thought you would be angry if I told you that I’m meeting him, because you told him you don't ever want to see him again. Wouldn’t you hate me too, for meeting someone you hate? That sounds rather straightforward to me.” A hand appeared on his cheek, wiping the tears with the soft thumb, air hitting his face from Hyungwon’s exhales. “I’m so sorry for hurting you, Hoseok. I didn’t know.”   
  
“I just hated him because he hurt you. It was the only reason, Hyungwon. You were so close all of the sudden, it didn’t make sense at all. Protecting each other and everything, what was I supposed to think?” The flood didn’t stop and he felt like breaking things, feeling overwhelmed, helpless and angry. 

“That’s what I mean, Hoseok. You were only angry at him because of me. I broke the friendship, so I had wanted to apologize and Changkyun turned out to be less of a demonic human being than I thought. He can be affectionate too, so I was nice to him. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.” Hyungwon spoke calmly, just like he went through some mental arrangement of thoughts in his head, keeping them organized and clear. The fingers on Hoseok’s wrist were pressing down in a regular pattern while the other hand continued to wipe his tears.   
  
“You don’t need to wipe my tears, I cry because I’m angry.” Hoseok commented, looking to the side. “Why do you keep secrets from me? Don’t you trust me? I thought I was your safe haven, why don’t you tell me things.” Hyungwon seemed shocked again, staring at him for a few seconds before answering.

“But I told you about Changkyun later and even explained when you visited me,” he began, seeming confused. “I trust you and if you would have asked I would have told you. I just don’t see why I had to report that Changkyun came to my office. Would you have prefered me mentioning that?”   
  
_ Oh for fuck’s sake. _ _  
_ _  
_ “At least if you intend on touching his naked body, yes.” He returned his gaze and stared for half a minute before sucking in air.   
  
“Why didn’t you tell me that you are autistic?”  _  
  
_

The reaction to the words was intense. Hyungwon let go of his wrist and his face simultaneously, taking a step back and gasping for air while staring at him. He looked afraid, scared even, not saying a word and visibly shivering. _  
_ _  
_ “H-how do you know?”   
  
_ Why is he so scared? _ _  
_ _  
_ “Your brother told me. And I tried to tell him that it’s bullshit, it was an amazing conversation.” Hoseok crossed the arms in front of his chest, taking a step towards Hyungwon. “Why didn’t you tell me? You know how that looks like? As if you’re keeping very important aspects of your life from me, like touching other people’s naked bodies and having some kind of issue that results in me not being the only reason for you to feel bad. Do you even understand what that means?” 

Hyungwon just remained frozen in place, staring at him and pressing his fingers into his palm with such a force that it looked visibly painful. Hoseok walked over, peeling the fingers away and holding the hand tightly in his own.    
  
“I don’t care what it’s called, Hyungwon. I’m fine as long as it’s not cancer or something else where you might die, because I’m not sure I could handle that. I just have the feeling you don’t trust me and that makes me impossibly angry because you told me all those affectionate things and got me hooked and now I’m here like this.” He was way too emotional, still shaky from the sight of the other man lying motionlessly on his bed, the way he didn’t react, the broken glass and disturbed order.   


“B-but now you know that I am broken. You are going to treat me differently and not be the same with me. You will act in the way that everyone else acts and it will never be the same. You will stop asking me questions about what I think and just assume that it’s because of my condition and that I’m rather weird. I know exactly what happens when people find out and I just really hoped that you would treat me like a normal person. For fucking once.” Hyungwon looked hurt, body remaining frozen but eyes big and lip sucked into his mouth, shivering slightly.   
  
His blood started boiling inside his veins, all those words ripping through his consciousness, leaving a burning trail of anger.    
  
“You think I will treat you differently? Well, then fucking watch.” Hoseok walked over to the wardrobe, opening one door and turning around, gaze fixed on Hyungwon’s eyes. He started pulling out the neatly folded clothes and throwing them on a pile on the ground, emptying almost every shelf. “How the fuck am I different from before?”

Hyungwon stared at him, eyes wide and hands in the middle of wanting to perform an action, but not doing it until he suddenly turned around and disappeared out of the room, closing a door behind himself. He was probably attempting to escape from Hoseok’s rampage, unable to take it and trying to save himself from another meltdown. Minutes passed before he reappeared again, stopping in the middle of room.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, gaze switching back and forth from the pile on the ground and Hoseok’s face. “If I say that I believe you, will you put it back? I can’t lie anyway. Oh my god.” He visibly struggled to keep his wits, shivers turning into something more familiar and hands doing the pattern without even attaching themselves to anything, just in the air.   
  
“I freak you out? Fucking fine, I know that and I knew that from the start and I will keep freaking you out, just so you know that too. Don’t await special treatment from me. It just feels nice to know that I’m not the only one responsible for the things that make you unhappy.” Hoseok whispered the last words, walking over to the beautiful man, who was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a black towel and shivering. “You make me go nuts and you’re driving me mad, but I love you so much.”    


“You have never been the only one to evoke my meltdowns and I have told you so from the start, but you need a condition to believe it?” Hyungwon whispered and grasped Hoseok’s shirt with his right fist, pulling him closer towards himself. “I don't care if it messes something up. You treat me like a normal person and I don’t want you to stop, ever.”

A few seconds passed before Hyungwon leaned closer, close enough to almost attach his plump lips to Hoseok’s, hot air caressing his skin as the black-haired inhaled sharply, wet hair framing the golden skin.

“Even if it means that you wipe furniture with my body in your haze I just want you to fucking do it.”   
  
“You bet I will.” Hoseok smirked and closed the distance. 

 

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	23. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There are clouds and rain, but the moon still decided to come out for me.”

“Fuck off.”   


Hoseok’s eyes were wide, dark circles tainting his pale features and dressed in sweatpants only, blue hair sticking out in various directions. Hyungwon had wanted to take in more of the details to fill the void that had been built up over the days he hadn’t been able to see the other man, but the door closed in his face as soon as it had opened, dark wood spreading out in front of his eyes, small indents littering the lower half.

_ Changkyun was wrong. _

The realization of what the words really meant dawned upon him the longer he stared at the piece of wood that separated him from the only person he really needed in his life. Time kept consuming his hopes that the door would open again, revealing Hoseok the way he had looked before, cheerful with the corners of his mouth curled upwards, willing to listen to his words instead of telling him to leave.

_ What if he means it, Hyungwon? His behaviour and his words agree this time. _

It hurt. Hyungwon was rarely capable of understanding his own emotions but the burning in his eyes and the way it felt like bony fingers were clenching around his heart, squeezing it painfully without a break appeared familiar enough to know what it meant. He had felt the same when Jin told him he didn’t have that much time for him and wished he could become more independent, even if it was hard. It was the feeling that he had when he knew that he had to split from someone who was important to him.

_ But this time it might be permanent. _

“I- if you really want me to leave, Hoseok, I will. Do you?” Hyungwon whispered finally, barely capable of squeezing the sound from his throat, fear, pain and the building tears taking his ability to perform the most basic actions. If Hoseok would tell him to leave, a second time, he would do it. If the other man really meant it, really wanted him gone and out of his life for good.

_ You won’t be able to take it, Hyungwon. You will break. _

The panic had already reached his elbows, crawling further but he forced himself to wait for an answer, a verbal one that he would have to accept.

Instead of hearing the beautiful low voice he was graced with his sight, appearing in the door and allowing Hyungwon to suck in more of the details, the way the other man didn’t look as healthy as he had, skin more transparent than he was used to. He missed the dark eyes, head remaining lowered as Hoseok threw a piece of paper in front of Hyungwon’s feet and shut the door again, taking everything that he had been granted for a few seconds away again.

_ Maybe that’s how you made him feel back then. Just allowing a glimpse of something before ripping it from his hands again. _

Hyungwon watched the piece of paper, fingers tingling to pick it up, but fear telling him it might rip him apart. It was like a blank canvas, covering the dirty stairs and untainted as long as he didn’t turn it around, unaware of what hid behind it, which emotions it was going to evoke in him and how he would react. His breath hitched as he crouched down, picking up the thin sheet and turning it slowly. His gaze fell on the words first ‘Let’s stop being delusional’. They didn’t mean anything, mind returning empty the longer he stared at them. Only when his gaze travelled further, stopping at lines and patterns did the meaning reach him. It was a moon, halfway covered by the sea, lines deep, smudged and emotional, filled with everything that the person drawing must have been feeling. 

_ The moon is drowning in the sea, letting the line between them disappear. You always wanted to drown in him, Hyungwon. _

_ It’s a goodbye. The border is gone. He wants you gone. _

His actions were automatic, pulling his own drawing from his pocket, the first time he had expressed his emotions without using a face and its expression, tainting the white sheet with his broken expectations and desire to be with the other man, hoping that he would understand. It was futile. Hyungwon smiled, not understanding his own expression as he pulled out a pen that he always carried with him, kept in the fourth pocket of his backpack for emergencies. His hands shivered when he let words cover the sheet from the back, unwilling to taint the picture with the meaninglessness of it all. ‘Your words mean nothing to me, but your drawing does,’ the sheet said, lines crooked from the way his fingers couldn’t keep still.

_ You have to leave. He wants you gone. _

Hyungwon stood up, staring at his shoes as the panic moved past his shoulders, centering around his chest and numbing the pain a little. It was nice, it was almost like drowning, being surrounded by cold water and leaving the surface, sounds only dull and not pulling through. His fingers were still shaking when he placed his drawing in front of the door and turned around, legs moving on their own without any conscious decision to let them walk.

_ Just let the fear take over. It knows what to do. _

It was like bliss when the pain in his chest melted into the darkness that moved around the edges, taking everything away and letting the black color taint everything.

Hyungwon had always loved black.

Time passed, he knew that much. Limited visions kept rushing through the thick black veil in front of his eyes and confusing him, but the darkness was more pleasant that the feelings that awaited him on the other side. So he just remained there, ignoring his dislike for being unaware and simply soaking in nothingness. His apartment appeared shortly, the sight of books, pain in his hand, glass on the ground, the black color of his sheets, his naked feet as they walked somewhere, a vase that appeared familiar, shards on the ground that seemed equally familiar, the softness of his bed, short pain in his chest but he just sank further to forget about it again. Noises that hadn’t been there before disturbed him, so he didn’t react to them, a man that looked like a doctor standing in front of his bed and opening his mouth, but Hyungwon couldn’t hear anything. It was just constant buzzing until the blackness came back, silence returning and only the white color of a ceiling giving him visual input.

It was calm. Not the kind of calm that he liked but enough.

Until it was broken again.

A haze of blue and sand-color appeared in front of him, blurred and not fitting into the picture, as if it was supposed to be somewhere else, far away and unreachable. His ears were filled with a sound that resembled words but none of them made sense, just low tones that didn’t carry any semantic relation to anything represented in Hyungwon’s head. His fingers moved somewhere, consciousness barely aware that they belonged to him before they curled around something warm and soft, holding onto it, trying to figure out if he was dreaming or if the perception was really there. 

The blue-sandy haze remained, moving in front of his eyes, but not clearing in the way he would have expected. Something pulled at his hand, trying to change its location and he tensed up, fighting against it just to realize he had no strength, none at all, limb just moving as the external force wanted it to until it touched soft strands. The sensation was familiar and Hyungwon couldn’t help the immediate yearning that filled him, long fingers curling up and brushing over the soft hair, sound of his own breathing filling his ears and attempting to bring regularity to his surroundings. Nothing made sense. He had to change that. His fingers began pressing a pattern against the skin he was holding onto, resembling a wrist.

He was turned, tight grip surrounding his shoulders, changing the way the beautiful white color of the ceiling had occupied his sight. He looked down, watching how the blurred outlines cleared suddenly and he was in front of the man he had seen not too long ago, for a short glimpse before it was taken away again, details erasing themselves as if he wasn't meant to remember him. He looked different, tears staining his cheeks without a break and watching Hyungwon as if he was desperate, scared because of something.

_ Why would he be scared? _

_ He could leave _ .

Hyungwon didn’t know where the fear came from but his eyes widened and he attached himself to the other man while he felt able to, realizing how his body burned and his head felt dizzy. The sensations didn’t fit to his picture of himself and he escaped from it by curling his limbs around Hoseok as well as he could, pain that he had been attempting to suppress all this time returning in full force and ripping a sob from his throat. The tears fell instantly, soaking the fabric that he pressed his head against and flowing down his face.

Hoseok was there, telling him that he loved him, that he had made a mistake, that Hyungwon had misunderstood his drawing, that he was sorry. The information was difficult to comprehend, surroundings messy and mouth barely capable of answering. Hyungwon tried anyway, asking for information to arrange himself, to understand where he was and what he was doing. Only when his body was placed into warm water, calm filling him in addition to the presence of the other man, did he feel at ease. Hoseok was there. It was real and there was no way of him suddenly disappearing again.

Until he got angry and everything that Hyungwon had apparently attempted to shut out of his brain came raining back down on his consciousness.

_ He saw you with Changkyun and misunderstood, feeling hurt and telling you to fuck off, to disappear out of his life. _

_ You melted at the words. It was days ago, Hyungwon. _

There was no possibility to explain, the more Hyungwon talked about Changkyun and the situation the more the familiar expression on Hoseok’s face turned into anger, not understanding his words and not willing to listen. Each answer was just replaced by another question, not considering Hyungwon’s attempts to explain. He felt capable of comprehending his surroundings, at least the basic points. He was in his apartment and Hoseok had come because he had lost himself, desiring to fix things.

But the fixing just didn’t work, words meaningless as they always were. They spilled from his lips and answers returned from the painfully familiar beautiful face, but nothing changed. Feelings stayed the same and actions remained the same.

_ You might lose him like this, Hyungwon. What are you doing? _

“Why didn’t you tell me that you are autistic?”

_ He knows. _

The panic that Hyungwon had believed to be in the back of his head, hiding peacefully in the dark corner it remained in until he lost control, crawled out instantly, taking up all the space inside his body, not even bothering to slip along his limbs to the center. Fighting was pointless. His eyes widened and he froze in place, breathing heavily and begging to have heard wrongly.

“H-how do you know?” he asked, scared beyond comprehension, words leaving his lips without a conscious decision to utter them. Hoseok explained, mentioning Jin and how he believed that there had been no reason for Hyungwon to keep it a secret, obliviously trusting in everything remaining the same.

Hyungwon would have laughed if he hadn’t been terrified. There was no way that Hoseok wouldn’t treat him just like everyone else who found out, considering him unable to adapt and suffering from the sacrifices they had to make to let him feel at ease. He was broken and now Hoseok was going to treat him like it. It hurt, it hurt that the little bit of hope that Hoseok would remain in the dark was ripped from him just like that, during a meltdown.

_ Of course your own disability takes the last hope of avoiding your disability, Hyungwon. _

He felt like crying, pain and fear remaining and eating him up as he told Hoseok exactly what he thought. That there was no way for him to treat him like a normal person, not anymore now that he knew. It was over, Hyungwon was going to be autistic, thoughts and behaviour explained by the condition, interest fading because there was no character, just condition.

_ You’ll just be that, autistic. _

Hoseok cracked. Hyungwon had expected him to be angry, to disagree, but he hadn’t predicted the way the broad, muscular man walked over to his wardrobe and began pulling out each article of clothing and throwing it to the ground, creating a gigantic pile that continued to grow until almost all items were ripped from their designated spot and covered the floor. 

Every possible answer just got stuck in his throat, terror at the way Hoseok was capable of breaking the order in the blink of an eye numbing him. The blue-haired acted independent of the knowledge that Hyungwon had no ways of dealing with it.

_ He treats you like a normal person. The way he always did, Hyungwon. He’s ruthless when he’s angry. _

He gasped, scared that he would lose his control the longer he stared at the pile, eyes wide and unable to hide the shock. 

_ Run, calm down before you return. Don’t break. _

He just turned and ran to the bathroom, shutting the door behind himself and gasping loudly, breaths echoing of the walls and filling his ears. He had to act, to do something to make the other man calm down and to enable him to listen to Hyungwon’s explanation, to understand that he had misunderstood and there was no reason for him to be hurt.

_ He won’t listen, Hyungwon. He only does when you break and cry and you did already. _

He glanced down, staring at his naked legs and the way the black towel covered his hips, skin smelling flowery after his bath.

_ Changkyun.  _

_ Do what Changkyun told you. Calm him down and make him listen. _

Hyungwon bit his lip, taking a glance towards the door before collecting his wits and calming his body down. He had to do this right, remain controlled until he was save in Hoseok’s arms and knew his intentions clearly and could let go. Preferably before having a meltdown.

He cleaned up, giving himself time to concentrate and become aware of what was happening. He had Hoseok with him and he needed to make him understand, to make him forgive and stay with him, because there was no way that Hyungwon could be without him.

_ You’ve seen how well that worked. _

He opened the door, walking along the hallway, looking up to remain blissfully unaware of his surroundings and returned to the bedroom, stopping in the middle of the room.

“Oh my god,” he whispered as soon as his gaze landed on the pile of clothes, switching quickly to Hoseok’s figure in front of the wardrobe and back. “If I say that I believe you, will you put it back? I can’t lie anyway. Oh my god.” The sight was difficult to deal with, all his resolutions slipping through his fingertips the longer he gazed back and forth. He curled his fingers and did his pattern, without holding onto something, simply in the air because it was urgent.

“I freak you out? Fucking fine, I know that and I knew that from the start and I will keep freaking you out, just so you know that too. Don’t await special treatment from me. It just feels nice to know that I’m not the only one responsible for the things that make you unhappy.” Hoseok’s voice remained firm as he stepped closer, facial features taking up most of Hyungwon’s sight and so impossibly beautiful. His memory hadn’t done the other man any justice, short glimpses at the door only a frame without the actual picture. The eyes still looked angry, but something about the body language was different as the other man spoke again. “You make me go nuts and you’re driving me mad, but I love you so much.”

“You have never been the only one to evoke my meltdowns and I have told you so from the start, but you need a condition to believe it?” Hyungwon whispered and grasped Hoseok’s shirt with his right fist, pulling him closer towards himself. He had explained the way his brain worked so often, just without adding a condition or a name to it. Why did Hoseok need the name to make sense of it? 

“I don't care if it messes something up. You treat me like a normal person and I don’t want you to stop, ever.”

A few seconds passed before Hyungwon leaned closer, close enough to almost attach his plump lips to Hoseok’s. He could feel how the other man exhaled slowly, affected by the proximity.

_ This is your chance, Hyungwon. Make him crack.  _

“Even if it means that you wipe furniture with my body in your haze I just want you to fucking do it,” he whispered, letting his breath brush against the beautiful mouth on purpose.   
  
“You bet I will.”

He saw a smirk on the curved lips before they pressed against his, blurring his senses with the sudden action and a smile appeared on his lips at the way it had worked. He gasped, letting go of his inhibitions and melting against the other body, jumping up and curling his legs around Hoseok’s hips, not giving a shit whether his towel fell to the ground because he never cared about being naked.    
  
Strong arms curled around his hips, catching him, back immediately clashing against the wall, hips pressing him against it.   
  
“Changkyun said I’m ignorant,” Hoseok moaned before sinking the perfectly straight teeth into his neck. “I’m pretty sure he’s right. I’m fucking ignorant and I won’t care.”

Hyungwon moaned at the sudden pain, hitting his head against the wall from the force with which he wanted to give the muscular man more space, more possibilities to mark his neck, to do whatever he desired because it meant that he was going to lose control with him.

“Then don’t,” he panted and let his nails scratch over the shoulders, fingers already barely holding onto the thin strings of control, thread ripping with each second that passed. He was a little scared but the thought of the beautiful man leaving him terrified him more. “Fuck me instead.”  
  
His back left the cold wall and Hoseok took him to the bed, sitting down on the edge and staring up at him, mouth spread in a grin.    
  
“I will, but first, you should sit on my face.” 

Hyungwon just nodded, pulling the shirt off the hot body before pressing his palms against the broad shoulders, feeling how they moved down to the bed, but only because Hoseok let him. Once the beautiful blue-haired man rested against the sheets he littered the muscular chest with kisses, feeling euphoric at the fact that he was close to him again, capable of feeling the pale skin under his fingertips. When he decided that he had hesitated for long enough he crawled up, kneeling on each side of Hoseok’s head and taking a deep breath, eyes closing at the knowledge that he was about to completely lose himself and fingers fisting the sheets in advance.   
  
Hoseok simply grabbed his hips and pulled him down against his lips and tongue, immediately playing with him, licking and teasing him, strong hands holding him in place and basically controlling all of the movement. Hyungwon moaned loudly, hands holding on to the sheets tightly but completely useless to him as he had no say over what happened, edges of his vision blurring and pleasure coiling in his lower body, growing with each lick that Hoseok blessed him with.

“I want more,” he groaned, closing his eyes and trying to press back against the other man’s face, wanting more, impatient and unable to take the fire burning along his limbs. His thighs had already begun shaking, just as unable to wait as he was. He wanted to melt in the pleasure. “I want you, Hoseok.”   
  
The licking didn’t stop, but one hand left his hips before he heard the click of the lube bottle. Hoseok lifted his hips and placed him over the clothed lap, coating his fingers. Hyungwon bit his lip in anticipation, fully ready to forget everything around him and finally feel the blissful freedom again, fire taking over him and setting all his senses ablaze, eradicating his fear. Even now his attention was focused on the way Hoseok’s jeans-clad thighs felt against his naked ones, fabric rough but still sending his senses into overdrive.   
  
Two fingers slid inside him smoothly, the other man’s lips parted and he exhaled, as if he was the one getting the pleasure. Hyungwon gasped at the sensation, not focusing on anything in particular but lips remaining parted.    
  
“Fuck, you look mesmerizing, and now scream at me.” The fingers curled and hit the sensitive spot full force.

The scream left his lips instantly, thighs tightening and hands grabbing the muscular shoulders desperately. It was impossible to do anything else, whole body burning up and vision focusing on Hoseok and the way his fingers felt inside of him alone, excluding everything else. His breaths continuously caressed the beautiful face as he attempted to keep his eyes opened, staring at the dark ones right in front of him, desire to sink into them just like he sank into the numbing pleasure uncontrollable.   
  
Hoseok caught his bottom lip with the sharp teeth, nibbling on it before letting go and moving his fingers again, adding a third one somewhere in the process.

“Fuck, oh my god,” Hyungwon mumbled, eyes shutting at the intensity and nails leaving marks on the arms, red lines registering through his hazy vision as he pushed down with his hips, desiring more, more intensity and to completely lose his senses like he had before. “Set me free, Hoseok. Oh god, please.”   
  
It went so fast that he almost didn’t register how the fingers had left and a warm, wet tip pressed against him, Hoseok holding his hips in place over it. His thighs tensed at the sudden change, but his mind was in no way interested in returning to how he had felt before, hand tightening and a breathy whimper leaving his plump lips. The coil was burning in his groin, sending electricity-like waves along his legs and all the way to his fingertips, moans leaving his lips although Hoseok wasn’t even stimulating him. He wanted to feel it all.

“Fuck me. I want to feel it again.”

The strong hands loosened the tension slowly and he sank down on the thick, warm erection, filling him out with every centimeter his body was sliding down. It was pure bliss how every coherent thought was removed from his mind, leaving only the emotions and tactile perceptions. He clenched around the other man, unable to help it and rolled his hips once, impatient with the way he could get used to the sensation unless he remained in motion. He didn’t want to think. He wanted to be gone. Each jerk of his body around Hoseok sent another spark through his veins, coil tightening and forcing him to repeat it, sensation evoking a scream from his plump lips.   
  
Hoseok sat up, taking his upper body with him, stabilizing himself and placing the feet on the ground, before sucking a nipple into his mouth, lifting his hips with the muscular arms and letting him sink down again, pushing him further into the lap, pants still covering the thighs. Hyungwon screamed right into his face, letting go of the shoulders and grabbing the other man’s legs instead, holding onto the jeans close to the knees and throwing his head back, dying each time Hoseok pushed him down, hitting the center of the coil each time, allowing it to burn him further, sweat running down his chest and neck from the intensity, covering his naked legs.   
  
The other man grabbed his thighs firmly and stood up, carrying him somewhere, before he stopped and Hyungwon heard the sound of objects hitting the floor. His back hit a cold surface and his legs were placed over Hoseok’s shoulders. It must’ve been his desk, wood familiar under his fingertips as he held onto the edge, unable to grasp anything else. His surroundings were blurred, blue-sandy haze taking up his vision as it always did, only the way Hoseok’s shoulders felt under his calves registered in his head in addition to the feeling of being impossibly full, body burning with the desire for more pleasure.

_ He can give you more. He always holds back. _

“Go all out,” he whispered, not even aware of what that would mean for him but also not caring. He wanted to be gone. “I don’t care if I faint.”   
  
“Me neither.” The other man moved back, before thrusting into him roughly, bending his body and burying himself as deep as he could inside Hyungwon. A scream left his throat as his vision whitened instead of turning black as he was used to, pleasure leaving a burning trail throughout his whole body, begging to be repeated as soon as he could focus again and wished the stars to return.

“Do it again, do it again. I want to see stars. Fuck.”    
  
The pace that Hoseok’s body moved with was simply inhumane, the intervals in which the other man was hitting the spot getting shorter and shorter, before he stopped suddenly. 

White sparks completely filled out Hyungwon’s vision, voice becoming unrecognizable even to his own ears, barely capable of taking in air and getting the oxygen he needed to stay conscious. The beautiful face, framed by blue hair appeared in front of him, sparks moving back and unbearable yearning filling out his limbs. The sensation was gone and he needed it back, unable to think about anything else.

“Don’t stop, god, I need it,” he whispered, feeling how close he had been to losing himself without actually releasing between them. His legs were shaking from the effort of keeping himself in place, body clenching around the firm erection inside of him and hoping it would make it move. “I was so fucking close to a dry orgasm, I need it, Hoseok. Fuck.”   
  
The other man grabbed his hips with both hands and thrust into him again, lifting them a little and moaning himself at every movement, grip remaining firm and filling out every centimeter. Hyungwon almost lost it at the way his vision completely faded into white again, screaming loudly, body shivering and last drop hitting his perceptions, pleasure burning up before fading to a dull ache in his groin, coil remaining there but allowing him a short high. He breathed heavily and rolled his hips, hoping it would give him more. More of the pleasure.

“Fuck, again,” he gasped and scratched over the wood under his fingers, pressing down on the broad shoulders with his calves to get Hoseok even closer. “I want to feel every bit. Every-fucking-thing.”   
  
“Fine, let me give it to you then,” the other groaned, voice sounding impossibly low in his ears, before Hoseok pulled out and turned him around, bending his body over the desk, chest pushed flush against the wood, warm from before. Hyungwon saw the way his hands landed on the texture in front of him, scratching along it a little bit and eyes recognizing the smell that entered his nose, senses on overdrive from not seeing the other man anymore, but body burning just as it did before. 

That was until he felt Hoseok pushing himself in, holding onto his hips and not leaving any space between their bodies. Hyungwon bit his lip, taste of blood filling his mouth as he moaned and squeezed his eyes shut, blurriness returning and stealing his awareness of his surroundings, the feeling of Hoseok inside of him the only prominent feeling, sparks filling out his vision with white. He felt so fucking full, body immobilized and lips begging for pleasure. He didn’t even know what he was saying, muttering whatever his thoughts produced.   
  
It was more than intense, the way Hoseok retreated only to fill him out completely, the hips basically slamming against him, while holding him in place in an iron grip. Hyungwon lost his focus on his surroundings, feeling nothing except for the pleasure that slammed against his consciousness, rough fabric of Hoseok’s jeans bruising his thighs but he didn’t even really feel it, just screaming at every stab against the cause of his sensitivity.   
  
“Fuck, you’re driving me crazy, holy fucking shit,” Hoseok groaned somewhere between the low moans, breathing heavily before stopping again. The pleasure remained at a medium high before slowly pulling back, harsh moans leaving Hyungwon’s lips as the blackness that had begun spreading at the edges moved back, leaving only whiteness and blurred outlines.

“What are you doing to me, Hoseok?” Hyungwon gasped, body shivering and screaming at him for not giving it more of what he had been basking in mere seconds ago, orgasm painfully close just like the loss of consciousness. “You’re killing me with pleasure, only to take it away again.”   
  
“It’s more fun like this,” the other hissed, sliding into him slowly before moving out completely. He was turned around and lifted, chest pressed flush against Hoseok’s, warm and slightly wet from the strain. There was more lube, his back against the wall, Hoseok filling him out again, back moving away from the wall, a couple of words.    
  
“Hold on tightly.” 

Hyungwon had no idea what to expect but his body just followed the order, thoughts irrelevant as he curled his arms around the neck and attached his lips to the pale skin of a shoulder, salty from sweat. His legs tensed around the only partially uncovered hips and he sank his teeth into the skin harshly instead of the tender licks.   
  
“Just bite me, it’s only fair,” the low voice hissed into his ear before the hands tightened around his hips and Hoseok started moving, thrusts rough and fast, his body basically hanging in the air, strong arms and him curling around the other man’s neck the only reasons to stay in place. Hyungwon screamed, voice already hoarse and barely allowing him to produce a sound as his senses slid into overdrive within a few seconds, sensitivity swallowing his awareness, whiteness filling out his vision as another intense high passed through his body and he bit down on Hoseok’s skin again, breaking it and scratching over his back with his nails, body convulsing shortly only to return to the same coil again. It was torture. Sweet torture.   
  
The pleasure paused, Hoseok walking somewhere again with his body attached to the other man permanently. His back was pushed against the cool fabric of his bed, Hoseok leaning over him, placing one leg over his shoulder.    
  
“I have more to show, but it should be enough for today,” he whispered, before pushing himself in till there was no room for movement and curled a hand around his erection, strokes coordinated with the thrusts, rough and precise. Hyungwon gave up, letting go of his body tension and just moaning at each movement, skin tingling from the strain of keeping himself afloat for so long, whiteness spreading just to be swallowed up by blackness the closer he moved to orgasm, hands fisting the sheets and head thrown from side to side. 

“I’ll faint,” he murmured in between a mixture of screams and moans, perfectly aware of what was about to happen from the way the black color kept narrowing down, pleasure spiking up higher with each thrust and each stroke. “Shit, I-I don’t even give a shit because I trust you so much. Oh my god.”   
  
“Let go.” The words sounded like an order, voice low and demanding. Hyungwon had never been good at disobeying orders, so he didn’t, letting go of his body tension and releasing between the two of them, pleasure burning through his whole body like electricity, forcing a hoarse scream out of his lips before everything turned black.  
  
His senses returned gradually, feeling how the other man pulled out of him slowly, wincing at the sensation, aware that he must have lost a few seconds again. The warmth he felt was sign enough that Hoseok must have orgasmed too. Sighing he spread his legs a little more and let a hand move through his hair, feeling how sweaty he was from all the effort, body still burning after the intense sensations. When he felt the other man cleaning him up he decided to open his eyes after all, watching the way Hoseok wiped over his chest and thighs carefully.

“I barely feel my legs,” Hyungwon said, words hardly recognizable from how hoarse his voice was. A cough left him right after but he smiled. “And my voice, apparently. Can I help somehow? I feel so lazy lying around here.” The back of his thighs burned, probably bruised.    
  
“You can be lazy, it’s fine.” Hoseok grinned from between his legs, wiping the remainings of the intense sex. 

“Is this the point where you talk to me without throwing my clothes around?” Hyungwon asked and couldn’t help the laugh at how ridiculous it was. He still couldn’t believe that pleasure was capable of making the blue-haired man so calm and cheerful. “Will you stay with me, Hoseok? I can’t be without you.”   
  
The other man seemed a little surprised before throwing the tissues on the floor demonstratively.    
  
“That depends on whether you’re nice to me and tell me what I need to know.” Hoseok smiled and let himself fall next to Hyungwon, turning to the side to look at his face.    
  
“And now tell me why the fuck you touched my ex-boyfriend’s naked chest. Twice.” 

_ He is willing to listen, Hyungwon. Changkyun was right. _

“For the record, I just let you manhandle me and fuck me for ages although I’m rather sensitive and don’t feel my body anymore. If that isn’t being nice then I don’t know what is,” Hyungwon said with a grin and exhaled, running his fingers through his hair again to think about the best way of formulating. It hadn’t worked very well the last time. 

“I wanted to see his tattoos the first time. The second time I wanted to check out the pattern that moves along his neck and that tiny bit of his shoulder to the solar plexus to create a geometrical pattern that fits into the white area. I wanted to fill it so I asked him to come over, because your tattoos were too complex for me to remember by heart and I didn’t want to make any mistakes in the angles or the curves.” It was the truth and hopefully sufficient to calm Hoseok down.   
  
“For the record, you told me to fuck you senseless so it was me being nice to you, babe,” Hoseok answered, teasing smile playing around the corners of his mouth, before he appeared in thought. 

_ Babe? _   
  
“Are you serious? Just because of the tattoos? I know that spot, I couldn’t fill it because I don’t really draw geometrical stuff anymore.” A hand brushed the wet bangs back before Hoseok continued. “But how did you become so close in such a short time, it doesn’t make sense, Hyungwon. Changkyun- didn’t you see him? He would never be like that with someone he doesn’t know and doesn’t care about.” 

_ And now comes the unpleasant part. _

Hyungwon chewed on his lower lip, still tasting the small cut he had created while Hoseok bent him over his desk. His desk that he still had to clean back up and bring into order before he lost his mind.

“Changkyun figured out that I’m autistic. After a phone call that took about thirty seconds and talking to me for another ten minutes in person. He changed his behaviour towards me after that.” Hyungwon took a deep breath, vision of his desk remaining in front of his inner eye and not leaving him alone. “I will tell you the rest in a bit, but can we please clean up my desk? My brain is on overdrive trying to figure out what had been on it and in what constellation it had been. I need to make it just like that again and what am I supposed to do if I don’t remember?”   
  
“We have to clean up anyway, there are glass smithers and books lying everywhere. Should I do it or do you want to do it together? Then you can tell me about your order that doesn’t make sense whatsoever.” Hoseok grinned before standing up and pulling a pair of comfy pants out of the pile of clothing, throwing them towards Hyungwon. “But wear something, I just fucked you but it doesn’t mean anything.” 

_ Glass and books everywhere? What have you done, Hyungwon? _

His eyes widened, panic rushing through him at all the possibilities of what he had done to his apartment during his meltdown. The possibilities were endless and none of them were nice. He was terrified of seeing what it looked like and scaring himself with the disarrangement. But Hoseok didn’t know where his books belonged and even though he believed that the order of his books on the shelves didn’t make sense he was wrong. It was perfectly calculated according to internal aspects of the novels. Hyungwon could have even drawn the formula and the relations for him.

However he never wore clothes at home, so he frowned.

“But I never wear clothes at home. I want to do it together with you and my order makes perfect sense. I will draw the formula for you someday, but I need to settle this first. I’m scared of seeing what I broke. Why aren’t you scared? I never understand how you remain so calm.” He got up, wincing at how sore he felt, letting his legs hang over the edge of the bed and staring at the piece of clothing in Hoseok’s hand as if it was his worst enemy, which it was in the current situation. “But must I really wear this?”   
  
“Want to repeat the whole thing? I need a minute.” Hoseok smirked at him, stretching out his hand with the pants. Hyungwon didn’t know whether the blue-haired man really meant it, but he was also a little scared to find out. Although Hoseok seemed strongly infatuated and interested in rather constant pleasure Hyungwon was easily drained and prefered a little bit of control, at least for now and after several days without it. He licked over his lips and grabbed the fabric, not answering Hoseok and slipping into it, still dissatisfied but resigned.

“Could you clean up the glass without me? I’m kinda scared I’ll lose it. Especially if it’s something valuable. I vaguely remember a vase, something hazy, glass shards, books. Being angry at something. It’s a mess.” Hyungwon shivered at the memories, scared that he was still capable of a meltdown like that. It was disappointing and told him that all of the stability could easily be broken. “I would also appreciate it if you would answer all of my questions. I always feel confused when you skip one.”   
  
“What if don’t want to answer though? I’m not scared because I don’t care about stuff like that. I also broke a glass at home, but immediately picked up the shards because my crazy head told me that you don’t like it. I’ll pick up the stuff and get you, okay? Also you need to drink, your lips are really dry,” the blue-haired man commented and left the room. 

Hyungwon didn’t even have the possibility to answer, not comprehending how someone could ask a question and then leave without waiting for the answer. He sighed and let himself fall to the bed, immediately regretting it when a sudden pain moved along his back in addition to the ache in the back of his head. 

_ Still worth it.  _

Although his whole apartment was apparently in ruins he felt calm, fingers sliding over the fabric of the pants that Hoseok forced him to wear and pressing down in his pattern. It wasn’t because he needed it but because he liked the way it looked against the black color, golden fingers moving along and creating a pleasant sensation with their tips. 

Hoseok was back, placed where he belonged in his life, next to him and acting the same way he was used to. He felt the sudden urge to call Changkyun and tell him that everything was fine, but he didn’t know where his phone was, panicking shortly before remembering that it was normal and he had to bring everything into order first.

_ Panic after everything is settled again. You can’t just do it all the time, you’ll just never get back out of it. _

Hyungwon slid back down from the soft sheets, again wincing at the way his body complained but moving nevertheless. There were logical places he could have put his phone, even if he had been out of it. The most natural one would have been in the pants he had been wearing, safely packed away in the pocket, so he grabbed the pants that Hoseok had slipped from his legs and went through the pockets, finding it easily.

_ Good that you know how your head works. _

However a quick look at the display revealed that it was dead, not surviving the days that Hyungwon had been focused on drowning in his own misery. He went to his bedside table and connected it, waiting for approximately three minutes and fifteen seconds before turning it on. It was usually the time it needed to have sufficient energy for a call while being connected. A smile spread over his lips at the thought that he had good news for the other man. In addition he had to thank him for the angry-fucking recommendation. He hadn’t been aware of something like that being relevant for problem solving.

The contact was found quickly and Hyungwon pressed the phone to his ear, waiting for the other man to pick up.

“Fucking finally, are you okay? Is someone there? Did you eat? Drink?” The other man's low voice sounded very worried. 

_ You were out of it for days, Hyungwon. He probably thought that you are dead. _

“I kinda lost my shit. I ate a banana. Didn't drink yet but I'll do it as soon as Hoseok cleans up the glass I broke. He came here because my brother told him about me having an extreme meltdown. I'm sad that my body is still capable of those,” Hyungwon elaborated and tried to keep structure in the things he said, but the words had to be said faster than he could condense the mass of information he wanted to convey. He took a deep breath to give Changkyun the chance to answer. He wished that he could see the shorter man's face. 

“Hoseok’s there? Are you ok? You sound relatively normal, you didn't hurt yourself, right?” Changkyun must've really been worried about him. 

“Except for not eating and drinking since the rejection on Wednesday I didn't hurt myself. Hoseok is here, yes. He calmed me down a little and now I just have to establish order again. I just hate that he forces me to wear clothes.” Hyungwon swallowed to give himself time to think again, fingers playing with the phone against his ear, still hating the lack of facial expressions. “I wanted to thank you.”

“I'm really fighting against the immediate wish to go there and make sure you're really ok, I tried to reach you a lot of times. You should wear clothes while being next to Hoseok, it's basic etiquette, he's a fucking animal. Why would you thank me though? I hope he's taking good care of you, this ignorant asshole.” The other man chuckled a little. “It was a joke, he's ignorant but he's still there, so I guess it's fine.”

Hyungwon smiled at the words, annoyed that it didn't go through the phone so he commented on it, pointing out the way it looked so Changkyun could imagine it. 

“You can come later if you wish. Do you think you would understand my book arrangement? Hoseok keeps saying it doesn't make sense, but I haven't even explained it yet. He said I should drink so I guess he's doing a good job.” Hyungwon chuckled and glanced towards the door, wondering if Hoseok was fine. “I wanted to thank you because as soon as I was stable he stopped listening to me and got angry and I used your advice. At least as far as I was able to. After that he listened and seems okay I think.”

_ Only because of that he listened to your explanation, Hyungwon.  _

“Are you telling me that crazy bastard fucked you after you didn't eat and drink for three days? Holy fucking shit, is he mental? Why am I even asking?” It was silent for a couple of seconds before the other man continued. “Are you sure you're okay, Hyungwon?” 

_ Are you? _

He had never been particularly good at self reflection and he also didn't know if there was a social rule that forbid people from having sex without proper meals. He felt a little weak and didn't have as much strength as usual, but he couldn't tell if that meant anything. His head hurt a little. In general he didn't know. 

“I don't know, Changkyun. I feel a little weird.”

“Bring the sea-haired asshole to the phone,” the other man ordered. 

Hyungwon crawled down from the bed, perfectly willing to follow the order without any further thoughts until he reached the door, remembering the reason for remaining in the room. 

“But I'm scared that outside of my bedroom the floor is littered with broken glass and ripped books.” Instead of walking out he just froze in place, not sure what else to do and knocking against the door, hoping Hoseok would hear it and return.

The door opened and the handsome face appeared in the door crack, smiling brightly. 

“Everything okay? I saw all your Murakami books and now I love you more although I have no idea where the fuck they belong.” Hyungwon smiled back, desire to run his hands through Hoseok’s hair appearing out of nowhere. 

“Black shelf in the living room, the second one from the right, fourth one from the top,” he answered before he remembered the phone in his hand and held it out to Hoseok. 

Hopefully the two of them could also settle everything and return to the way everything had been before, perfectly organized and without misunderstandings.

_ Everything is fine, Hyungwon. You just need to drink something and return to your routine.  _

_ Hoseok will stay.  _

_ Because the sea needs the moon.  _

 

***

 

The anger about Hyungwon accusing him of changing his behaviour had burned down every remaining inhibition and he released his anger in form of sexual tension, fucking Hyungwon against the wall, table, into the mattress and while standing, making the beautiful man scream, dry orgasm and finally releasing them both from the sweet torture. All of the above without taking his pants off. 

_ Fucking worth it.  _

The information about Changkyun figuring out Hyungwon’s condition left a bitter aftertaste that he decided to ignore and talk out with his ex boyfriend at a later point. 

_ He just wanted to draw, Hoseok. Hyungwon just wanted to draw a fucking tattoo. _

It was absolutely ridiculous, but misunderstandings were often like that. 

After cleaning up the glass and picking up the whole collection of Murakami novels from the ground, Hoseok wondered how he was supposed to love the other man more with each passing second. A knock sounded from the bedroom. 

_ Is he knocking on his own bedroom door?  _

What was he even surprised about? How was it supposed to get more weird than that? 

A phone was pressed into his hand and he held it against his ear. 

“Did you lose your mind or something? I knew that you're a crazy bastard, Hoseok, but how did your brain come up with the genius idea that angry fucking a person after a meltdown was a good idea? He didn't eat and drink for almost three fucking days, if he faints I’ll come to get you, asshole,” Changkyun’s voice hissed at him, hostility sipping through the line like lead. 

_ Holy fuck, what the fuck is wrong with him? _

_ He did faint though. Oops. _

“Are you drunk? How the fuck is this your business? Also since when are you so protective? I'll take care of this,” Hoseok answered and brushed his hair back, slightly shocked from the way the other man had talked to him. 

“Holy fuck, is this how you take care of things? Of course Jooheon hated you, you have no fucking idea how to deal with people.” 

_ What does Jooheon have to do with this? _

“I didn't fuck Jooheon!” Hoseok was absolutely shocked. 

“Argh, I really want to punch you. Jooheon is autistic too, you dumbass. You would've known if you weren't the ignorant asshole that you are. Either way, you better apologize on your fucking knees for all the bullshit you accused me off and I'll think about whether I'll forgive you or not.” Changkyun sucked in air on the other end of the line. “Also clean up the stuff Hyungwon threw around, it's all because of you, give him something to drink and make him eat more than a fucking banana, use your head.” The other man hung up on him. 

Hyungwon had just watched the interaction calmly without moving, simply taking the phone back into his hand as soon as Hoseok removed it from his ear. 

“Why are you talking about fucking Jooheon?” he asked, focusing above Hoseok’s eyes and holding the device stiffly in his hand. Hoseok wasn't able to answer as said device begun vibrating, long fingers pressing a button and holding it to his ear awkwardly. 

“Hello, Changkyun,” Hyungwon said, listening and nodding although he couldn’t be seen. “I don't know.”

A few more seconds passed as Hyungwon pressed a pattern into the fabric of the sweatpants before speaking again. 

“Okay, I will. Thank you,” he murmured and hung up, visibly relaxing as soon as the phone call ended. He must have really been feeling uncomfortable. A smile appeared on the plump lips at the sight of Hoseok and Hyungwon connected his phone at the bedside table before crawling on top of the soft, black and white sheets carefully. The lean man looked rather pale. 

_ Shit. He was right, what the fuck were you thinking?  _

Nothing. He hadn't been thinking.

“You have the same skin colour as me. This is very bad,” Hoseok murmured, running into the kitchen and getting a huge glass of water. “Here, drink.”

Hyungwon smiled again, facial expressions rather soft as if he couldn’t believe his current happiness, almost white fingers curling around the container and bringing it to his lips.

“Am I getting a bucket of water?” he asked and took a tentative sip, then another and another until he had drained the glass. “You didn't finish the coffee last time.”

“I think I should feel sorry, but I don't know if I can.” Hoseok sat down next to the pale figure, curling his arms around the slim body. “You have to eat something and drink and be nice to yourself if you don't want to be treated like an ill person.” 

“Okay,” Hyungwon answered and stared at him, placing the now empty glass on his bedside table next to his phone. The long legs attempted to curl up with Hoseok’s muscular ones. “What do I have to do?”

“Oh, wait,” he added as he curled his arms around Hoseok in return and took a deep breath. “You wanted to talk.”

“What talking? Look at yourself! What the fuck?” He stood up and walked into the kitchen, remembering the containers with the food Alice had given Hyungwon the last time. After warming up some meat he put it on the table and walked back to the pale man who was lying on the bed. 

“You're going to eat. Let's go to the kitchen.”

Hyungwon looked at him blankly before he crawled back down from the bed, only clad in the comfortable pants that Hoseok had forced on him. 

“Okay,” the black-haired said again and followed him to the kitchen, wincing at some of the disorder before he settled into a chair and grabbed a fork and a knife, cutting a piece of the steak and placing it into his mouth. “I like this.”

“Fucking awesome. I love you, don't be miserable,” Hoseok whispered somehow overwhelmed after the whole rollercoaster. 

“I love you too. I also love this steak since it's particularly tasty,” Hyungwon answered, oblivious that Hoseok had changed his emotional state. The black-haired munched on as he took his fork and gestured with it. “I still really want to fill out that pattern. Am I allowed to or will you be upset? It just seemed so special to me that I could actually melt my art with yours on Changkyun's body. It's a whole new level of close. I want it.”

“Sure, if Changkyun agreed.” Hoseok didn't have any problem with Hyungwon drawing the tattoo. He had problems with unnecessary body contact between Hyungwon and anybody else. 

His boyfriend's face lit up like a rainbow as he stuffed the last bit of food into his mouth. 

“Thank you! He agreed already before when I showed him my geometric work. He said I'm really talented and that you would have to do it because it's really complex. I'm glad that you aren't upset anymore.” A frown appeared, pulling the eyebrows together as Hyungwon bit his lip. “I just don't understand because pleasure is rather meaningless to me unless it's with you. If you thought that Changkyun and me are sexually close, what exactly was the problem? I don't let go with anybody but you and no one except for you knows so it would have been merely mechanical.”  
  
_ Is he asking because he doesn’t know or because he wants to make you angry? _ __  
__  
“Let’s see, want me to fuck Changkyun? Would it be fine with you? I mean you were pretty close to throwing things at me, just because I went to meet up with him. Do you really not understand what this is about?” Hoseok narrowed his gaze. The fork fell to the table as Hyungwon's eyes widened. 

“But that seemed to be something different to me. I was jealous because Changkyun had all those things that I don't, a lot of affection, understanding you and not losing his shit at every little thing. If you would sleep with Changkyun it would be emotional and I was scared of that. However with me there is no emotional meaning behind it unless I let go. It's merely mechanical. It's not for you and I know because you always let go.” The words were a bit slower in the way they left the plump lips as Hyungwon was visibly attempting to make Hoseok understand.    
  
“I had slept with Changkyun while being strongly infatuated with you already. Don’t assume things.” Hoseok looked the other man directly in the eyes, sliding his tongue over the lower lip.

“I'm sorry.” Hyungwon looked uncomfortable, moving his gaze from Hoseok’s face and focusing on the empty plate although there had been no real eye contact in the first place. “I guess I just thought I'm the only one who keeps the distance. I can't with you because I like you so much. Would you like me to stay physically further away from Changkyun?”   
  
“I’d like it if you wouldn’t fuck other people, that’d be nice of you,” he hissed at the beautiful man, getting jealous just from the thought. “Also sexual touching, anything sexual. If you want something sexual then come here, I’ll give you an hour long tour. I could also make it two hours, you wouldn’t be able to walk afterwards. It’s tested.”

Hyungwon looked up from his plate and stared at him before a smile graced his lips. 

“I won't fuck other people, Hoseok. I have no interest in anybody but you. You set me free and I love you so please don't worry. What is defined as sexual touching? Running my fingers over a naked chest to get a feeling for a tattoo is a problem?”   
  
_ Just say that you overreacted. _ __  
__  
“I’ll just explain it. The touching per se is not a problem. You get hard? Then it’s a nope, he gets hard? Also a nope. Tongue in your mouth? Nope. Hands squeezing your ass? Also nope. Want more examples? I’m not saying I forbid you anything, I’m just a very jealous person and might get hurt by stuff like that easily, as you might have witnessed.” 

Hoseok saw the other man just poking around on his empty plate and went over, kneeling down in between the long legs and put his head on the clothed lap. “I love you, okay? I know I’m not qualified for that safe haven bullshit, but I really love you. I will try to make you happy, okay?” Hoseok whispered, curling his fingers around the bony knee. 

“Okay,” Hyungwon answered with a smile, letting the long fingers stroke through the blue strands, feeling familiar and impossibly pleasant. “But you should really apologize to Changkyun. He was really hurt and if even I could tell it's serious.”   
  
_ You should. _ __  
__  
“I’ll think about it.” Looking down on his thigh he realized that the foil from the freshly inked tattoo was gone, not surviving the angry fucking.    
  
“I got a new tattoo.” He looked up and smiled. Hyungwon seemed surprised, just glancing at his face without following his gaze to the hole in his jeans as everybody else would have. 

“You should apologize, but now I really want to see the tattoo! Who drew it? Did Hyunwoo ink it for you?” He sounded excited and gestured with his free hand as the other remained intertwined with the stands of Hoseok’s hair.    
  
“I inked it. Today.” He stood up and pointed at the big hole on the thigh, the complete drawing visible. Eyes finally moved down from his face to his thigh before widening suddenly. Hyungwon slipped from his chair and attached both of his hands to Hoseok’s inked leg, scrutinizing the tattoo for what felt like minutes. Once the long fingers had moved around the edges carefully, as if the black-haired knew that he shouldn’t touch the freshly tattooed skin, the large brown eyes met his, disbelief apparent on the small face.

“You inked my drawing. Yourself. I didn’t even know that tattoo artists could ink themselves. It’s my drawing. The one where I put emotions in for the first time without using a face, your face to be more specific. It just seemed like I had to do it like this, show that we were both involved but also somehow it isn’t really us, an image of us. The way I wanted us to be, but I was afraid that you wouldn’t want it like this. Especially since you gave me your drawing and told me to fuck off it seemed so futile to me. Like I shouldn’t have drawn it, just making me even more miserable about that fact that it was a vision and not reality.” Hyungwon took a deep breath, shivering a little and exhaling harshly at the flow of words that had left his lips without a break, eye contact not breaking, not even for a second.   
  
“I think you misunderstood something,” Hoseok started, pulling Hyungwon up until their eyes were almost on the same level. “The drawing I gave you, it was the one I drew while you were sleeping, the moon shining on your body. You were glowing and I had the feeling that I could touch you, grasp you, that the border was smudged, dissolved, just like I wanted it to be. It seemed as if you and me were one entity. Perfect, just like that.”    
  
His lips touched the other man’s softly, placing soft kisses around the corners and against the perfectly shaped nose.   
  
“I’ve never really wanted you to leave. I wanted the pain to leave, Hyungwon.”

“Oh, no,” the black-haired whispered as his eyes filled with liquid in what felt like a few seconds. “I did the one thing that I hate. I let previous experiences influence my interpretation of something, in this case your drawing. Just because you told me to fuck off I probably put the words into my interpretation of your drawing although the words are meaningless. I am so sorry for making you feel so much pain, Hoseok. I didn’t even know that you would misinterpret my actions like that. But now I misinterpreted your drawing so we are both stupid. Why are we so stupid? I hate this.” He sniffed shortly and buried his hands further into Hoseok’s thighs, like he wished to have something to hold on to. “I want to be perfectly rational but I am sitting in my kitchen and crying like an idiot.”   
  
“You’re not an idiot, you’re beautiful chaos, so sophisticated that it takes time to understand the complexity of it’s perfection. I keep loving more about you. I kinda hope that I’m still somehow special for you.”   
  
_ It doesn’t matter whether you’re special to him, Hoseok.  _

_ He is special to you. _   
  
“You give me the chaos I was missing.”   
  
-

  
  
‘I’m at the studio. Get your ass over here. Please.’’    
  
Hoseok typed the sentence into his phone and clicked send. He sat in the empty lobby, it was Sunday and nobody was there but he waited for Changkyun to come.    
  
_ You need to apologize.  _

He had said a lot of nasty stuff he should have never had said in the first place.    
  
_ But words mean nothing. _ __  
__  
_ To Hyungwon, not to Changkyun. Words mean a lot to Changkyun. _ __  
__  
It was uncomfortable, really uncomfortable. Hoseok had the feeling that the other man was equally scared of him as he himself was afraid of Changkyun.    
  
_ Because you’re both crazy. _ __  
__  
It was true. Hyungwon was the one with the condition, but Changkyun and him were the real crazies if one had been honest. That was also one of the reasons why Hoseok absolutely opposed calling Hyungwon ill or doing anything about the fact that his boyfriend was autistic.    
  
_ You’re supposedly normal, but look at yourself, holy fuck. _ __  
__  
He heard the bell and the black-haired man walked into the studio, wearing all black and looking intimidating as ever.    
  
“Shoot.”   
  
_ Can’t he just do small talk or something? _ __  
__  
“Coffee?” Hoseok tried, pointing at the coffee machine. The other man looked at him, crossing the arms in front of the lean chest.    
  
“Are you fucking kidding me?” The gaze narrowed and Changkyun stepped closer, getting rid of his leather jacket and hanging it on the hook before turning around to face him again. “Espresso. Double, and it better taste like a huge vanilla dick.”   
  
_ Fuck yes.  _ __  
__  
Changkyun joking about dick meant he was ready to listen. Hoseok couldn’t help but wonder what had made the other man ready to talk.    
  
_ It was probably Hyungwon. How the fuck did it turn out such that he listens more to him than to you?  _ __  
__  
The brown liquid dripped into the small cup and Hoseok tried to come up with a decent and sophisticated way to say that he was sorry, without admitting everything at once.    
__  
_ Yes, he should be sorry too. Kind of. For all those other things he did before. _ __  
__  
“I’m sorry, I overreacted.”    
  
_ Well that went well, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
The other man stared at him and peeled the small cup out of his hands, not removing the intense gaze.   
  
“I can’t believe you thought that I might actually be a person who would do something like the stuff you accused me of.” The voice was low but very emotional, more than when the other man had apologized.    
  
_ He’s hurt. For real. _ __  
__  
“I wish that I didn’t say it,” Hoseok whispered, not really knowing what to say. Talking about his own perspective was not really relevant, as he had misunderstood the situation. “I didn’t mean it, I was scared and angry, I’m sorry.”    
  
“I was asking myself whether you knew who I am and what my character is like, whether you have a basic idea of what kind of person I am. I mean you didn’t know that my brother was autistic, I never told you but you were also never really interested. The whole situation is very easy to explain. He reminds me of Jooheon, there are a lot of things that are similar, so I feel kind of close to him. I understand the way he behaves and what he needs to feel better, because I’m very experienced with all those things. He’s like a second brother, he feels like that to me.” The flow of words stopped and the other man sat down on the black leather couch, head leaning against the backrest. “And you thought I wanted to have sex with him so you would feel bad. Really? Did you really think I would’ve done something like that? Why did I even love you? Holy fuck.”    
  
_ Ouch. _ __  
__  
It felt like a stab. Changkyun had always been able to hurt just by saying something that hit you with a sharp poisoned arrow directly in the heart. They had a common past, many things that they’ve done together, the other man had helped Hoseok opening his own studio and backing him up whenever he needed help or courage to make a major decision.    
  
“It’s not what I think. If I thought like that I wouldn’t have let you work here and I also wouldn’t have forgiven you for going away like you did. I really like you, you mean a lot to me. I just didn’t want you to hurt him. I know I misunderstood, but you have to understand me too. You said it yourself once, so it was the first thing that came to mind. I’m still sorry.” Hoseok sat down next to the shorter man and turned, looking directly at the handsome face. “Could you tell me about Jooheon?” 

“Next time. Listen, I know you like change and exciting things, but surprises can't always be nice. Autism is not some fun behavioural pattern, it requires a lot of time and patience to adapt and to figure out strategies to deal with it while taking into consideration what the other wants, knowing what you can change and what you can't. I mean it can be cute and exciting, but it can also be absolutely terrifying and hard to watch, because you can't really help.” 

The other paused, taking a sip of the double espresso, focusing on Hoseok’s eyes again. 

“Do you know why I'm so straightforward? Saying everything I think and not taking into consideration what other people think? Because that had always been the only way to communicate with my brother properly, so I ended up being like this to everyone, the constant switch is really tiring.” 

Hoseok listened, not having anything to say. The points Changkyun mentioned were true, all of them. Honestly speaking he didn't have a single clue about autism. He knew that it was a condition and that it caused meltdowns, but the knowledge was minimal. 

_ You're not only unqualified to be the safe haven, you have no fucking clue about anything. Holy fuck.  _

“What am I supposed to do now?” He grabbed Changkyun’s hand and stared, devastation crawling up his lungs and making it hard to breathe.

“You have to pour an insane amount of resources into communication. The way you lose your shit at everything that doesn't fit your expectations won't do long term, you'll end up making him miserable and yourself. You might have figured that he doesn't react to things the way you or other people do. He can randomly start undressing me if he thinks it has a certain purpose. Which he did. You have to talk about stuff like that. Learn to explain.” The dark eyes turned soft and Changkyun smiled. 

_ But you can't become a different person overnight. It's utopian. _

“I don't think this will work. You know me, I'm a crazy bastard as you say and you're absolutely right. He needs someone who can take care of him and everything. I'm just me. I don't think this is enough.” Breathing was really difficult, lump in his throat getting bigger with each outspoken word. 

“No, he doesn't. He wants you and I know why, you don't treat him like a charity case and you love him independent of the issue. Just don't be a coward and invest a little time and thought to optimize it. Stop getting angry at every little thing. You'll die from all the stress and your dick will shrink.” The other man ruffled his blonde-blue hair and grinned. “I can't believe I'm having this discussion with you. My life was a mess the last couple of days, you two fuck me up, seriously.” 

Hoseok almost started crying, not processing how he had been able to misunderstand the other man so much. The twenty minutes were the most eye opening, realization after realization raining down on him. 

_ You have to work on yourself. And on the relationship.  _

He grabbed his phone and typed in a message. 

‘Get your beautiful ass here if you want to watch how your art gets intertwined with mine. I'm ready.’

A big smile spread across his face and he turned to Changkyun. 

“Let's wait for Hyungwon and then I can fill that empty space of yours.” 

“Sure, although I'm not sure if you’'ll be able to.” The handsome man smiled, but it looked more sad than anything else.

-

 

After a week Hoseok was pretty sure that he had read the whole internet. No, honestly he had read all of it, before getting a semi-meltdown himself and calling Jin, receiving the precious information that Hyungwon’s condition was called Asperger autism and had nothing to do with everything else he had read about. 

Holy shit.    
  
_ It’s only because Changkyun scared the shit out of you. _ __  
__  
And because he had wanted to make it better. Not the condition, their relationship. It didn’t have to crash and burn all the time, Changkyun was right. Hoseok had been a little scared to visit Hyungwon, the way he had seen the other man and how he had behaved did leave an impression he first needed to process. The fear of breaking something permanently, planted deep inside his head and forcing him into a black trap of the complete inability to act.    
  
_ What was it like, Hoseok? How did it feel like, before you knew? _ __  
__  
It was already 10PM when he walked into the familiar building, the last time he had been there left a strong negative aftertaste, but he ignored it, walking into the elevator and pressing the eight.    
  
_ It’s the best thing that could’ve happened. It rains.  _ __  
__  
The rooftop looked just like before, or it didn’t. Hoseok couldn’t really tell. The brown bench was still standing in the middle of it, alone and covered in rain, drops hitting the surface and creating an even bigger shattered picture of tiny water drops dissolving in the air. He sat down, not caring about the way the icy water seeped through his pants, cold sensation hitting his skin, but the perceptions so welcoming and calm. He leaned his head back, letting the small, cold drops cover his face, until there were so many that they had created little puddles, water flowing down his cheeks and chin. The sound was steady and regular, creating a white noise, just the way the drops had hit his face remaining a variable that didn’t fit.   
  
__ Since when does rain sound regular to you? You must’ve missed the moment it changed. 

The regular drumming of the rain on the concrete was disrupted by steps, heavy shoes on wet ground, familiar just like the water pouring down endlessly. The sound continued, coming closer until it was right in front of him. Hoseok could feel how the bench adjusted, but only barely, the person that sat down next to him almost weightless compared to him. A smile hushed over his lips, happiness mixed with excitement and unknown anxiety painting a picture on his face, dissolving in the rain that kept falling down on his face.   
  
“There are clouds and rain, but the moon still decided to come out for me. I might indeed be special,” he said, words spoken carefully and quietly, to not disturb the beautiful music the rain created on the different surfaces. A warm hand was placed on top of his cold fingers, simply covering it without intertwining their fingers as he heard a soft breath being released next to him.

“The moon enjoys drowning more than anything,” Hyungwon answered, voice low and calm, somehow fitting to the regularity of the rain without disrupting it. “Drowning in you.”   
  
The burning realization of how much he missed the beautiful man next to him crept up his limbs, making it almost impossible to resist touching the warm skin and opening his eyes.    
  
_ You have your eyes closed and you know that you’ll be gone as soon as you open them. He’ll make you gone.  _ __  
__  
“I missed you. So much,” he whispered moving his cold fingers under the warm palm a little. The light grip got tighter, heat seeping through the digits and surrounding his hand pleasantly.

“I missed you, too. I even drew you again, wondering how many drawings I could create of your beautiful face before losing it and coming to you.” A chuckle left the man next to him and he shifted closer, thighs touching. “You are beautiful, Hoseok. I could just sit here for days and watch the way the raindrops leave paths on your cheeks, light easily reflecting from the streaks and making you even more ethereal than you already are. The rain really knows how to paint you.”   
  
“I think I might be able to feel the rain the way you do now. Not completely, but it seems so regular all of the sudden, it was different before. But I know what you mean now.” He still refused to open his eyes, not ready for the picture. “I bet you look so beautiful, I don’t even want to look.”  __  
__  
The long fingers finally intertwined with his, pulling his hand on top of the thin thighs, wet ripped fabric materializing under his fingertips.

“It is beautifully constant, isn’t it? Like the calm after the storm,” the low voice whispered, coming closer until he could feel warm breath caressing his ear. “Why don’t you want to look?”   
  
“Because I know my mind and thoughts will be gone as soon as I see you. But I wanted to talk, so I’ll keep them closed.” The corners of his mouth went up and he squeezed the big hand in his. Hyungwon exhaled loudly against his ear and Hoseok could hear the smile in it.

“May I sit on your lap then? I want to be closer,” the lean man asked and pressed their thighs closer, Hoseok’s completely soaked jeans transferring the mass of drops to the ripped pants. __  
__  
_ Sure, why doesn’t he just sit on your dick instead? Try talking like that.  _ __  
__  
“Feel free, but I’m kinda wet,” Hoseok breathed out, not ready for anything and also not considering it a good idea. Hyungwon chuckled before the long and lean legs stretched over his lap and the thin arms curled around his neck. The rain continued covering them mercilessly.

“Well, so am I.”   
  
_ You’re both wet. It’s perfect. _ __  
__  
“How have you been this week? I’m sorry for not coming. I panicked big time,” Hoseok started the uncomfortable topic, curling his arms around the thin waist.

Hyungwon hummed in reply and let his right hand sink into Hoseok’s hair, moving along the scalp in a practised manner, ignoring the rain that completely soaked them, repeatedly hitting the thin palm and his hair in succession. 

“I drew you and worked. It felt strange to return to work after dropping everything for so long. I even worked past midnight to catch up with what I missed,” the other man replied, voice rather distant as he spoke, displeased with himself. Suddenly Hoseok felt how he came closer, placing a kiss on his forehead and breathing in his scent. “I love how you smell. What did you want to talk about? I hate small talk.”   
  
_ What, Hoseok? What did you expect? _ __  
__  
“I love how you smell and I love how you feel like, it’s triple intense because I don’t see you. I can feel everything,” he commented, searching for the other with his lips and finding the plump mouth, pressing a hot kiss against it. “But let me ruin the mood first.” His arms curled further around the slim body and pressed Hyungwon flush against his chest. “We need to talk about the way I can deal with your condition. I’m at the point where I feel like my view of the world is that of a kneeling ant.”

The slim body tensed on top of him, fingers pausing their pleasing ministrations and breaths, that had been brushing his face regularly, stopping for a few counts until a harsh one compensated for what had been missed. Instead of continuing to stroke his hair Hyungwon merely placed his hands on his broad shoulders, a little cramped compared to before.

“What do you need to know?”   
  
“First, put those fingers back where they were. Second, a lot. Basically everything, I have no fucking idea about anything which is precisely the reason why I panic and start to think that I could break something with my actions. I don’t know anything, Changkyun is all chill and experienced, telling me things that make me scared and I have no fucking idea what I am supposed to do.” It had been a good idea to hold Hyungwon in place, he had known that the other man hated the topic. 

As he requested the lean man moved his hand back into Hoseok’s hair, visibly relaxing at the action, thighs squeezing around him less and full weight resting on top of him.

“There is nothing that you can break that isn’t already broken, Hoseok,” Hyungwon answered, sounding a little bitter, very uncommon for the way he talked and unpleasant somehow. It were the first words that didn’t fit the rhythm of the rain, making them sound off. “How about you stop panicking and kiss me instead?”

When Hoseok didn’t react immediately the other man released a sigh, fingers curling around the blue strands and tightening his thighs, fabric sticking together from being fully soaked. “There isn’t that much to know, Hoseok. You’ve been doing okay before, so why do you need information now?”   
  
_ Because you know now? _ __  
  
“If I just kiss you nothing will change

Of course I want to kiss you, fuck- I’m sitting here with my eyes closed for twenty minutes like a mental person. I want it to work. I need all that information to not be scared anymore. I have the feeling that if I know, I will be confident and won’t adjust my behaviour.” The wish to open his eyes was mind blowing, but he still resisted.

“Fine. Ask then, I will answer.”   
  
“Let’s start with the easiest one. How do you want me to treat you?” He couldn’t resist it in the end, opening his eyes to see the reaction on the the other man’s face. Hyungwon’s ethereally beautiful face, rain drops covering the golden skin and black bangs hanging into the big deer-like eyes. Holy shit, the images in his head had never done Hyungwon any justice. Ever. 

“I want you to treat me the way you have treated me before,” the black-haired whispered, a raindrop running over his plump lower lip until it connected with another one and slipped down his chin, dropping between their bodies. Hyungwon was staring at him, eye contact intense. “Like a normal human being.”   
  
_ He’s still thinking that you will treat him like a patient.  _ __  
__  
“But you’re my human being, so I want to treat you extra nice.” Hoseok smiled at the intense gaze before exhaling once. “It’s not that I want to treat you like a patient, you’re not and you’ll never be a patient to me. You are a person who sees the world different, allowing me to challenge my perspective and recognize something I would’ve been too blind to see before. You have no idea how much I love it. I loved it from the start, the way you didn’t make sense to me, it’s still the same. It’s just- we are together for longer now and I start assuming things which are just not fitting, because you see everything differently. I need to know it all. I need to know everything about you again. Your mind is so beautiful, I want to kiss it.” Hoseok licked the raindrops from his lips, looking at the way Hyungwon basically glowed in the light of the lamp next to the bench, raindrops flying against his face and hair. The eye contact disappeared, gaze focusing on Hoseok’s lips instead.

“Thank you for saying that I am someone who perceives the world differently. I believe that too.” The plump lips spread in a smile and Hyungwon’s fingers stroked along his hair and neck, goosebumps appearing from the contrast of the cold water and the hot hands. ”I focus on details. The whole pictures tends to not really appear in front of me and when there are suddenly new details appearing I often ignore them for the sake of the image I managed to create. I like appointments and order, I like routine, I like knowing what to expect and that I am safe. I like to be with the people I chose and feel like myself around. I like drawing and could do so for hours without eating and drinking and might need reminders to do that. I like sitting around in the evening and watching the sun go down. I like the rain and listening to it. But above all I like you, Hoseok.” The black-haired seemed emotional, still staring at his lips and inhaling deeply.   
  
_ You want to do all of those things with him.  _ __  
__  
“I- I told you we were perfect, Hyungwon. I still mean it. I just wanted to make sure, whether it is really okay to break the things you like so much with my hurricane like personality or whether I should try hard to avoid it, I need to know.” He licked his lips again, he always did when he was nervous. The other man mirrored the action before biting down on his own, gaze moving to Hoseok’s eyebrows instead of his lips.

“I can’t really lie, so I will tell you the truth. I hate meltdowns. I hate them more than anything because they make me feel helpless and at the mercy of my own insecurities. It’s not as horrible when you are around me because you manage to calm me down.” Hyungwon took a deep breath again, catching a stray drop with his tongue. “But I still hate it, I still want to avoid it and if you ask me directly whether it is okay for you to keep evoking them constantly then my answer is no.” The other man shifted on his lap and pressed himself closer, as if he worried about Hoseok suddenly standing up and leaving. “However, if you having to restrict your behaviours means that you prefer to be without me then my answer is no. I love you more than I hate meltdowns.”   
  
Hyungwon was so incredibly beautiful that it was hard to concentrate on anything, they were both absolutely soaked, Hoseok’s white shirt was basically sticking to his chest, wet hair brushed back with the hand he had removed from the slim waist shortly.    
  
_ It means that you can also do something for him. You can work on it, just like Changkyun said. _ __  
__  
“It’s not some kind of basic human need to pull your books out of the shelf, Hyungwon. I will try not to cause those, but I can’t promise anything. You will have to explain stuff to me too. I’m ignorant,” he breathed out, closing his eyes and trying to register the spots where the raindrops hit his face, tracing the water down the cheeks and neck, head thrown back a little to feel more. 

“But more than not causing you any meltdowns-” He paused shortly before clearing his throat and returning the gaze. “I would really love to watch the sun go down with you, just like I enjoy sitting in the rain like this, getting soaked and feel the water and you on my skin. I want to watch you draw and I want to draw you too. I love you, I love everything about you.” 

Hyungwon just attached himself tightly, head buried against Hoseok’s white and soaked shirt and hands grasping it tightly, long legs curling around his hips behind him through the missing timber of the bench.

“I love you too, Hoseok,” the black-haired whispered against his wet skin, shivering a little and emotionality tangible in the air. “Please watch sunsets with me and get soaked in the rain. I would love to see more drawings of yours and show you mine. Let’s do all of those things.” Hyungwon lifted his head and threw him a glance before chewing his cheek. “But let’s not get colds. That’s bad for our health and the immune system. It makes us ill and then we can’t work. That’s bad.”   
  
Hoseok grinned at the obviously worried face. It was hilarious.   
  
“We should get ill together too, so we can make each other tea and cuddle under your fat ass blanket, not caring about getting infected from each other. The best.” Hyungwon frowned at him, definitely everything but intrigued by the idea.

“Ehm, no. Because if we are both ill then none of us is in a good enough condition to make tea, which is inefficient. My blanket is not fat, it is perfect and getting infected from each other sounds like one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard, Hoseok. Why would you inflict your pain on someone else? Spreading it all over the place. Like an STD.” The plump lips curled funnily, looking absolutely disgusted by the idea.   
  
“Yes, and that’s why we can’t have all the nice things, Hyungwon. Get a grip, I’d just cure myself with a double shot of vodka and make you tea. Either way, could you please, please kiss me? I’m dying. That kind of dying where your boyfriend who’s a mixture of a fucking angel and a hot as fuck devil is sitting on your lap and talking about STD instead of doing the fun stuff.” Hoseok pouted and licked over his lips again. The change in gaze was instant as Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he stared at Hoseok’s lips, following the motion carefully before smiling a little, raindrops continuously running down his face and worries about colds and health easily abandoned.

The long fingers slid over his chest and the tiny hair on his neck into the blue strands, intertwining and pulling his head to the side, easing the way the beautiful face slid closer, lips almost brushing his, only hot air caressing them instead of warm skin.

“Whatever you desire,” Hyungwon whispered before closing the distance between them, plump lips moving against his and licking over his bottom lip and requesting access, tasting like rain and something that was so distinctively him.   
  
Hoseok’s lips parted and he pulled the person on top of him closer, cold water and the warm tongue, breaths hitting his face in small waves, Hyungwon’s golden skin and the way he felt absolutely magical. The border blurred and transcended into watercolor, smudging the differences and letting it seem as if they were one entity.   
  
It felt as if the moon was kissing the sea.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay everyone! We are almost the end of Chaos, only the epilogue left after this one. I hope you are ready for the finish ~
> 
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	24. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It 3AM, Hyungwon.

His steps echoed on the wet concrete like voices in an empty hallway, streets abandoned and drenched, just him and his own breaths for company. The pattern was regular and pleasant, rain hitting the ground in the same rhythm that his feet produced, combining into a complex arrangement of white noise that blurred out everything else, vision hazy from the smeared lines that the rain created in the air.

_It 3AM, Hyungwon._

He turned around the corner, still surrounded by emptiness as a movement caught his eye, occuring behind a glass wall, easily permeable to curious eyes with the light turned on and illuminating the space. A man dressed in black stood up and left a sheet of paper behind, covered with lines of black ink, emotional and expressive with each stroke that had been placed on the white color, filling out the canvas and letting his heartbeat throb in his ears, sudden excitement spreading through his limbs.

_That’s it, Hyungwon. The drawing._

He didn’t hesitate long before he walked in, resulting in the soft chiming of an arrangement of bells that had been placed above the door, meant to announce a guest and sounding so much more pleasant than an electronic copy.

Hyungwon was soaked, thick drops covering the shoe mat under his feet, coat especially heavy from the added weight. He uncurled the scarf from around his neck and placed it on the hangers next to the door, closely followed by the black coat that had surrounded his whole body. Opposed to his usual dressing style his attire was formal, dress shirt covering his upper body and followed by a pair of tight suit pants, finishing off with black oxfords that he rubbed over the shoe mat extensively to remove grime and the dirt of London’s streets. Work required sacrifices and comfort appeared to be one of them.

_At least you’re not wearing a turtleneck._

The beautiful man at the tattoo studio that he had just entered was making coffee, hips leaning against the counter and watching him carefully. A smile played around Hyungwon’s lips as he walked towards the drawing, white sheet of paper with black ink on top of it creating a contrast with the surface of the wooden desk. It was beautiful. There was no other artwork that would have the same effect on him, each line filling out a part of him. Euphoria was spreading through his body at the sight, standing in the middle of the room and each glance evoking a potent cocktail of positive emotions, taking over him without any warning.

_It’ll give you what you are missing, fill out the empty space._

“I want this,” he said, glancing towards the tattoo artist and pointing at the drawing in front of him. He kept his expressions neutral, something he was particularly good at, at least until the emotions became too strong to contain.  
_  
_ “It’s closed and I don’t tattoo my drawings.” The other man removed the cup and took a sip of the coffee.

Hyungwon chuckled, body remaining in the middle of the room and eyes repeatedly searching for the drawing again, to see more of it, memorize its emotional depth. His fingers tingled at the mere desire to touch the white sheet, run his fingertips over the texture and everything that was part of the intensive impression.

“But I am currently here and so are you. I am sure you can make an exception,” he answered calmly, smile remaining on his lips as he mustered the man in front of him carefully. The gaze was intense, sliding up and down his face and body, before taking another sip of the coffee and putting the cup on the table.  
  
“I keep making all kinds of exceptions for you.” A bright smile spread over the beautiful face as Hoseok closed the distance and curled the muscular arms around his waist. Hyungwon released the breath he wasn’t aware of holding, tension that he had felt before entering the studio dissipating and filling him out with joy instead. His arms slid around the firm neck and he pressed his head against the shoulder, breathing in deeply to convince himself it was real and not just a trick of his mind to let him relive his past.

“You’re not the only one,” he whispered as his hands slid over the fine hairs on the back of Hoseok’s head but no further, repeatedly stroking over the skin. “It’s 3AM after all, the time for exceptions.”  
  
“How did you know that I was here? My flight landed two hours ago and you didn’t write anything.” The low voice caressed his ears, sounding very close, soft exhales tickling his skin. Hyungwon chuckled again, rubbing his nose over the fabric of Hoseok’s t-shirt, scent pleasant and so familiar.

“I almost never write anything, Hoseok,” he replied, amused that no matter how much time had passed the artist still got surprised at his inability to answer messages unless they included a question. “I just couldn’t imagine that you would have returned home without coming here first. It’s more of a home, isn’t it?”  
  
He felt the warm lips spread into a smile against his neck while his body had been pressed closer against the muscular chest, leaving almost no space to breathe.  
  
“I missed you. I missed you so much that I drew you because you didn’t send me pics although I asked you to. You love it when I suffer, don’t you?” The other man chuckled and leaned back a little, gaze focussing on his eyes. Hyungwon looked back, keeping it up for a few seconds, unable to suppress the wide smile that turned his plump lips into a slim long line.

“I don’t. I am just unable to create the perfect geometrical angle with my hands, which is why I don’t take pictures. Have you forgotten or do you just prefer to have me cheer you up for having suffered?” He licked over his lips before pressing them against Hoseok’s neck and cheek, arms pulling the beautiful man close enough to be able to count his eyelashes, lips only millimeters apart but not touching. Their breaths met but their mouths didn’t.

_It’s the yearning. It’s still the same._

“Want a tattoo? I’m in the ‘3AM is a perfect time for making exceptions’ mood.” Hoseok’s smile disappeared and the dark brown eyes lit up instead.

“Yes,” Hyungwon breathed out, not allowing himself the pleasure of feeling the beautiful lips against his. “Please put yourself under my skin again.”  
  
Hoseok put distance between them and walked further into the studio, starting to set up the equipment without any further comment. He looked mesmerizing, body filling out his black t-shirt easily and black ripped jeans, showing his drawing gracing the muscular thigh. Once the yearning returned it didn’t leave, desire to kiss the artist almost numbing and tingling through his whole body. Self-awareness was difficult but Hoseok always had the ability to make emotions strong enough to paint everything around Hyungwon in their colors.

Biting his lip he followed, sitting down on the tattoo table, familiar with the procedure and smile remaining on his lips. The desire to touch the beautiful strands of hair always stayed the same, no matter how often Hyungwon had put it to paper, numerous drawings resting in a drawer of his work desk.

“Do you want me to sign anything?” he asked quietly, not sure if Hoseok desired to keep the act of engraving a part of himself under his skin between them just like the drawing that graced his chest. The other man shook his head with a small smile and sat down on the chair.  
  
“Please take off your shirt or pull up your sleeve.”

Hyungwon couldn’t help the grin at Hoseok’s inability to answer questions, glancing at the ceiling and taking a deep breath. His fingers slid over the suit pants surrounding his legs upwards until they reached the first button of his shirt, loosening it slowly and glancing at Hoseok as he did so. Once he had unbuttoned the formal clothes completely he let them travel down his shoulders and fall to the ground.

“Holy fuck.” It had been barely a whisper but Hyungwon perceived it exactly. Hoseok put the needle inside the machine and set up the two small containers with black ink. One was more grey than black, probably for inking the shadows.  
  
“I’ll do it freehand again, okay? Ready?” The beautiful eyes looked up to him, waiting for approval. Hyungwon nodded, closing his eyes and holding out his arm, anticipation filling him and impatient to hear the calming buzzing and the constant prickling at his skin. If he had the possibility to experience the feeling without running out of skin to cover in drawings of the other man he would have made tattoo appointments a constant part of his routine.

“I love the way it feels when you tattoo me, Hoseok.”  
  
“Let’s see what we will get this time.” The needle went to his underarm that Hoseok placed on the armrest and the familiar noise filled the acoustic space, lines and dots appearing on his skin, tingling pain spreading along the wrist.  
  
It was a little strange, Hoseok was looking up a lot, lifting the needle, gaze sliding along his facial features, expression unreadable and somehow new. Hyungwon bit his lip at the intensity, unable to glance away whenever the dark eyes met his, breath catching in his throat and warmth filling out his body until the fingertips. His free arm rested on his thighs, calming pattern repeating endlessly on the suit pants. Hoseok was beautiful, so beautiful and unreadable that the yearning only increased, eyes hushing over the way the soft lips curved and how the pale skin appeared in the light, each piercing making him wish he could suck it into his mouth, remember what it felt like against his tongue.

Hyungwon was aware of what happened around him and still the edges felt blurred, Hoseok’s features sharper than everything else. All sounds appeared to be filtered, except for the regular crooning, fitting to the way he pressed down each of his fingers, creating a space that was separated from everything else. He wanted to touch the soft strands, find out if his memory did them justice.

“I want to touch your hair, Hoseok.”

“Do it.” The other man breathed out harshly, placing more dots on his wrist, ink seeping into his skin slowly. Hyungwon followed the action, air leaving his lips in a loud exhale as he didn’t stop the way he mustered the beautiful man. He let his free hand walk along his own thighs until it reached Hoseok’s chest, caressing over it and upwards to the shoulders until he had almost arrived at his goal, fingers shivering at the intensity of the desire he felt, wish to intertwine with the strands overwhelming.

He bit down on his lower lip and slid his hand into the beautiful artist’s hair, strands like silk against his skin, not corresponding to his poor memory of the sensation, each second winning over the next in emotionality and the yearning that only got stronger.

“You drive me mad, Hoseok,” he whispered, brown eyes closing at the sensation, unable to keep the eye contact and melt into the way the connection felt at the same time.  
  
The other man placed more dots around the round shape and turned off the machine, taking off his black gloves and looking up finally, big, brown eyes staring right inside his soul, while the pierced tongue slid along the red lips slowly.  
  
“I think it’s you who is driving me mad, Hyungwon.” It sounded almost like a whisper.

_Maybe both of you have already gone mad._

“You make me feel so many things, I can barely breathe.” Hyungwon’s voice was softer than usual, lips barely parting to release the sounds, eyes struggling between keeping up the connection with the dark orbs and closing in order to focus on what he felt. The buzzing was gone and he missed it, but the body contact was able to compensate, narrowing his perception just like the machine had been able to do. Hoseok always had the talent to free Hyungwon from the onslaught of details. “It’s so calm, I feel like my body is melting into yours and we aren’t nearly close enough for me to be feeling this intensely.”

 _Don’t kiss him yet, Hyungwon. Keep the yearning._  
  
“I found the solution. I found a way to be the dissolving blue watercolor.” Hoseok smiled and it seemed as if he knew something Hyungwon didn’t, explaining the change in the facial expression he wasn’t able to categorize. “Everything makes sense, just the way you like it.”

_But how?_

Hyungwon exhaled and let his fingers slip further into the strands, applying pressure and slipping along the scalp, concentrating on the way it felt and which emotions it evoked in him. He couldn’t really tell, but it was pleasant, feelings that he wanted to keep and to repeat. Forever.

“How?” he asked finally, eyes returning from their path over the other man’s chest and smiling lips to the dark gaze.  
  
“Let’s make a deal,” Hoseok answered, eye contact intense and lips curled in a playful smile. It reminded him of the last time they had made a deal. It had been a protection for himself and security for the other man, based on mutual interest and ending positively. It had been something that had eased Hyungwon into the development of the occurrences around him, making the transition easier.

“What kind of deal?” he asked, eyes still jumping around on Hoseok’s face and attempting to decipher the facial expression, unable to do so.

 _You will have to draw it to understand._  
  
“It’s easy actually. You will close your eyes for approximately ten minutes, without opening them. I will finish this tattoo and then I will show you how I can be blue watercolor and everything will make sense, I promise.” The other man smiled and it looked as if someone had drawn it with a soft pencil, corners of the lips curling up beautifully. Hyungwon couldn’t resist and let the index finger of the arm that Hoseok was tattooing stroke over it, breath hitching at the sensation. He felt unsure and insecure about the inability to know what was about to happen, but he didn’t have a reason not to trust Hoseok.

“Promise?” he asked again, mind begging him to get the additional confirmation before leaving time and occurrences in the other man’s hands. It was more difficult when he remained conscious and aware, willingly waiting as Hoseok took control.  
  
“I promise. I am sure that you will understand. Just please keep the eyes closed. It makes more sense like this. I’ll do the rest per hand, without the machine, so it won’t hurt.” The other man traced the path of Hyungwon’s finger with his tongue and waited for the confirmation.

_Do it, Hyungwon._

He nodded and closed his eyes, feeling how his senses became much more alert and aware of what was happening around him, the way his suit pants covered his legs, how a soft stream of air circled around his naked torso, how the breaths of the beautiful man in front of him sounded. Instead of drowning in the perceptions and feelings Hyungwon curled his fingers further into the silky hair, blending out the uncomfortable sensations to occupy himself with the yearning instead. The desire to kiss the other man.

“Go ahead,” he whispered.  
  
“You have to let me go, so I can prepare the needle,” Hoseok said softly, taking his hands and placing them over his lap before standing up and going somewhere. It felt scary to sit in the dark without all of his senses able to perceive and mind capable of comprehending. He heard fumbling and different noises he wasn’t able to distinguish before the other man came back. A sigh of relief left his lips at the warm presence next to him.  
  
“Okay, now I’m ready, I will finish up.” Hyungwon could hear a smile from the way the other man said the words.

_He is smiling, so everything must be fine._

He concentrated on the way his own chest rose and fell, air moving through his lungs and clearing his head a little. His hand drew familiar patterns on his thigh, variations of the rhythm he liked and that calmed him down further, fitting to his breaths.  
  
“You can touch me, if you want to. It won’t disturb me.” Hoseok’s voice sounded next to him as the tiny needle started poking the skin of his underarm. The words were even more blissful relief, fingers immediately traveling up blindly until they found the soft hair again, intertwining and pulling a little at the strands.

Closing his eyes on its own had never been difficult for him, keeping darkness around and remaining still. However the way Hoseok had requested it and the unreadable features of his facial expression had put more importance into the action, letting his heart thump loudly in his ears.

“I love you, Hoseok,” he whispered, words tumbling out due to the insecurity he felt and desire to simply attach himself completely to the other man and not be surrounded by uncertainty.  
  
“You know, today is very special. You sit across me with your eyes closed, so you don’t need to look at my eyebrow or my mouth. You can calmly embrace the black, while I’m still here next to you. Your face looks so different when you have your eyes closed. I have only seen it when you slept next to me, but I wanted to see what it looked like if you were conscious,” the familiar low voice whispered somewhere in close proximity, needle still adding sensations against his skin.

_He wants you to let go, to not think about anything, Hyungwon. Why are you constantly panicking?_

He breathed out slowly, attempting to release the tension that he had built up over the time his eyes remained closed. Hoseok wasn’t quite right about Hyungwon enjoying to embrace the black when comparing it to watching the other man’s face. It was difficult to understand the facial expressions but watching the artist and his features was always a pleasure, calming in its own special way. Hoseok had always been special.

“What makes it so different? You are the only person that I genuinely enjoy looking at, Hoseok. I could be doing it for hours, preferring to see your face over any type of calm, even if it gives me freedom,” he answered and stroked over the other man’s head, letting his hand move lower towards the face, letting his thumb rub over the cheek carefully. Hoseok had beautiful skin, soft to the touch.

 _Maybe you don’t have to see everything with your eyes._  
  
“What makes it different? The perspective. You have a different perspective when your eyes are closed and I have a different perspective when your eyes are closed.” The poking stopped and he heard the other man taking his gloves off. A warm and wet sensation slid over his underarm, probably the artist removing the excess ink because he was done.  
  
“Art is not what I create, what I create is chaos. Do you remember me saying that to you?”

How could he ever forget that? It had been the first time Hoseok had been angry at him and pushed Hyungwon out of his comfort zone without taking his control in an affectionate way.

“Yes, after I told you that for me art is the triumph over chaos,” he replied, unsure in which direction to speak because he couldn’t see Hoseok. But somehow it was calming, eyes remaining closed and information staying unavailable. If he couldn’t look then he didn’t have to keep up eye contact, just talking without concentrating on visual interpretations. It was freeing somehow, now that Hoseok had finished what he had desired to finish, timeframe of the deal ending and pressure disappearing.  
  
The other man hummed in agreement before putting cream on his arm, massaging it into the skin carefully.  
  
“I thought about it and changed my mind. Both things are still important, but the equation is a different one. To be able to create art, I need the chaos.”

_He calls you chaos._

“Do you need me to create, Hoseok?” he asked, worried that he had misinterpreted the other man, unable to look at the features and understand, to grasp the reaction visually.  
  
“Yes. And I love it so much, just like I love you. You can open your eyes,” Hoseok whispered.

_He needs you. That means he won’t leave._

Hyungwon smiled, stroking over the soft cheek again as he opened his eyes, focusing them on the beautiful face in front of him.  
  
“Tonight-” Hoseok leaned in, face mere centimeters away, breath hitting his chin and lips almost touching. “Your face is like a blue moon.”

The yearning hit him as if he had remained in close proximity to the other man’s lips for hours, tingling sensation spreading through his body and a gasp leaving his mouth. He bit down on his lower lip, fighting with himself to not close the distance completely.

“What do you mean?” he breathed out, upper lip touching Hoseok’s as he spoke.  
  
“I can grasp you, it seems as if I can feel you. I became the blue ink, transcending and dissolving in your skin, painting the moon blue. Tonight you are the blue moon and I can see it perfectly,” Hoseok whispered against his plump lips, warm arms curling around his waist. Hyungwon closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the proximity and the words, desire to glance at the drawing that was infused into his skin almost suffocating him. Only when he felt ready enough to keep himself in the palm of his hand he opened them again.

“I want to see it,” he whispered. “I need to see before I lose myself in you.”  
  
Hoseok leaned back, removing one hand from the waist and curling the fingers around his underarm, pulling it into his sight, a beautiful grey moon infused with blue color covering his wrist. The sight was beyond emotional, breath unwilling to leave his throat as warmth spread through his chest, feeling familiar and impossibly positive, forcing a light burning sensation into his eyes.

“It’s beautiful,” he gasped, voice rougher than it had been a few seconds ago, overwhelmed by the fact that Hoseok finally felt close enough to finish the drawing, to fulfil his own personal desire with the help of Hyungwon, connecting them further than they already were. “I’m so fucking happy I think I’m about to cry.”  
  
Hoseok looked into his eyes, a thumb stroking over the skin of his underarm.  
  
“It is you and it is me, the moon is full of craters and the blue colour is not consistent, but we are perfect like that.”

_He loves you, Hyungwon. Just the way you are. Just like that._

Hyungwon gave up, throwing his arms around the strong neck and clashing their lips together, pressing his body as close as possible and hoping that Hoseok would take the turmoil from him, bringing calm or burning him to the ground.

The beautiful man did, standing up and curling the arms around his waist again, tongue sliding inside his mouth and playing around, as if it was the first time. Hyungwon moaned into his mouth, unable to contain it and pulling at the strands of hair that he grasped, changing the angle of the kiss and perceiving how the tingling moved through his whole body like electricity, answering to every lick of Hoseok’s tongue and sucking the piercings into his mouth, mind struggling to engrave every perception into his memory.  
  
The warm lips moved away from his, sucking and licking on the soft skin of his neck instead, teeth nibbling on his shoulder, sharp exhales escaping the beautiful mouth, giving out the other man’s condition almost immediately.

_He wants you._

It was difficult to keep his hold on the thin threads of control that he surrounded himself with, each falling through the spaces between his fingers with every well placed kiss and lick on his neck. Hyungwon turned his head to the side and pulled harsher at Hoseok’s hair, moaning at each additional inch of skin that the artist marked. Seeking friction he curled his left leg around Hoseok’s and pulled it between his thighs, biting his lip at the sensation and seeking more contact, more than the muscular man in his arms was giving him.

 _But you want him more._  
  
“Mind lending your control to me once again?” Hoseok exhaled sharply against his neck before leaning back and staring at him intently, eyes dark and lips parted. Hyungwon wanted him to take the threads of his control by the base and rip them from him with his bare hands, body screaming to be let go.

“Take it all, I don’t want it,” he gasped and pulled at the strands of hair again, adding more strength to get the warm body closer to him, almost completely covering him and adding friction to his groin, moan leaving his lips. “Shit, I love pulling your hair.”  
  
“Pull it as much as you like, do whatever you want, Hyungwon, I’m all in for it.” Hoseok put some space between them before fumbling at the hem of the black shirt, taking it off and throwing it away, pale skin looking so beautiful in the bright light. Hyungwon let one hand glide over the firm chest, nails scratching lightly and leaving faint lines, contrasting with the porcelain like skin. The other hand immediately slid back into the silky strands, pulling them vigorously enough to force Hoseok to throw his head back, neck on display and irresistible. Plump lips attached themselves quickly, sucking at the jugular and placing kisses along the jawline.  
  
“Not to be the person with no inhibitions, but I want you. Now.” Hoseok sounded more rough, warm palms clutching around his hips. Hyungwon just nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment as he released his hold a little to clash their lips together again, whimpering at the lacking contact between their bodies and begging for more with his actions instead of words.  
  
The fast fingers opened his suit pants and pulled him down the table, sliding the pants down his long legs. Hyungwon hissed at the action, body screaming in relief at the removal of the confining piece of clothing and pulled the other man back into a fierce kiss. He felt impatient, body having suffered during the time that Hoseok had been gone, remaining in control without the possibility to let go.

“Drive me crazy, Hoseok. I’ve been sane for too long without you here,” he moaned against the curved lips and undid the button of Hoseok’s jeans, lowering the zipper and pulling at the fabric impatiently, hoping for the artist to take care of the rest and to finally free him of thoughts, completely.

Hoseok loosened his grip and walked to the back of the studio, before coming back and immediately attaching the curved lips to his neck, sucking on the sensitive spot behind his ear and finally removing the last bit of clothing.

Even the few seconds had been too long for Hyungwon, yearning only intensifying the longer his body wasn't fully attached to the artist's muscular one. He moaned at the prickling sensation of Hoseok’s lips on his neck and wanted them everywhere else, hands helplessly trying to get a grip, something his mind had almost given up on. His long fingers found the beautiful hair and this time he pushed, wanting to feel more of those lips instead of pulling the other man away.

“Mark me, it feels like electricity is running through my body when you play with me like that,” he whispered between gasps and threw his head back, only remaining in place because he held onto Hoseok’s neck desperately. He didn’t have to wait for long, the feeling of sharp teeth sinking into his shoulder evoked a low moan that he wasn’t able to suppress. The sudden but mild pain narrowed his perception again, only the other man and his touches passing through the thick fog inside his mind.  
  
His body was lifted from the leather and he ended up sitting on Hoseok’s naked lap, the other man pressing him closer until there was no space between them. Hyungwon gasped, eyes closing from finally feeling the naked skin against his, body already overwhelmed after starving for contact for weeks. Just as he has feared he had become addicted, unable to be without the other man and the yearning he had woken within him.

_You die without him, Hyungwon. Like a fish without water._

He was so gone that he almost missed how Hoseok had opened a bottle and coated his fingers, pressing against him while sucking on a nipple harshly.  
  
“Oh god I missed it so much, I think I might faint this time.”

Hyungwon would have chuckled at the words, amused by how Hoseok genuinely believed he could faint from the intensity with that body of his, but he couldn’t. The other man hadn’t even really penetrated him yet and still his body already felt like it was burning, senses numbed and limited to the fingers pressing against him. He buried his nails deeper into the muscular shoulders and kept his eyes closed, anticipation almost unbearable.

“Be nice, it’s been a while,” he murmured.  
  
“I’ll be especially nice,” Hoseok whispered into his ear with the seductive low voice, before sliding in a digit and curling it, hitting against the spot. Hyungwon screamed at the sensation and opened his eyes, focusing on the beautiful face in front of him and closing the distance between their lips. He was going to melt and he wanted to have no distance when he did. He let his nails ride over the shoulders, leaving thin lines on purpose because he loved the contrast and the way it changed the artist’s expression. As soon as the fingers decided to speed up he wouldn’t be able to bask in it anymore, mind and body merging into one entity, one that needed Hoseok.  
  
“I love it how you draw on my skin with your nails, I want more.” The other man shifted his hips and added another finger, moaning himself at the way his hand moved. The blurriness returned full force, stealing his awareness and turning his surroundings into liquid fire, unsure whether he was hurting Hoseok with the way he held onto him or not, fingers acting on their own to stabilize himself. He pushed his hips down, wanting the feel the same sensation again, repeatedly until he could finally calm down, inhibitions dissipating into thin air.  
  
“Sit on me,” Hoseok groaned against his chest, breathing harshly and fingers stopping the ministrations. Hyungwon bit his lip to not curse at the other man for stopping the feeling that had been drowning him in the perceptions, only to spit him back onto the shore when the movement stopped. His patience was on a low, body having yearned for the other man constantly and desiring nothing more than to feel him.

“I want you inside of me,” he murmured, voice already hoarse from screaming into the artist’s face. He scratched along the shoulders again, attempting to lift himself up. His thighs were placed securely next to Hoseok’s and his lips were only millimeters from the other man’s curled ones. Taking another deep breath to not just do something uncalculated he narrowed his fingers around the firm erection, pulsating and hot in his hand. His hand slid along it smoothly, already lubed up and ready for him to sink down on.

“Looks like I’m not the only impatient one,” he whispered as he lined himself up and felt the head push against his entrance, sighing at the sensation and scratching along his own thigh with his free hand, teeth chewing on his lower lip. Hyungwon was undecided between extending the sensation and just sitting down ruthlessly. He wanted both.  
  
“Do it slowly, fuck me up.” Hoseok tilted his head to the side, leaning in and whispering the words into his ear. The sound of the low voice sent spikes to his groin, body almost giving out just from that. Hyungwon nodded slowly, establishing eye contact and watching Hoseok’s face as he slid further gradually, head entering him completely and forcing his legs to shiver at the way it felt, body too sensitive for its own good. An almost silent moan passed his plump lips and he hissed, moving back up just to torture himself and the other man. He didn’t know who suffered more but the broad head just stimulated him further, a louder groan, impossible to contain, leaving his mouth.  
  
“Fucking hell,” Hoseok groaned and grabbed his hips roughly without pushing him down.

“I love the way your hands feel on my body,” Hyungwon answered and rolled his hips, teeth sinking back into his lip, almost drawing blood and blurring his surroundings. Returning his less stable gaze to the beautiful man’s face he contracted around him, repeatedly. “Fuck.”  
  
Hoseok groaned again, thrusting up intuitively and burying himself a little deeper inside Hyungwon. It was hard not to scream and he managed only barely, lips parting before he bit down on his lower lip and moaned instead, trembling in his legs increasing as he gave up and slid the rest of the way down, slightly sweaty skin finally touching the muscular thighs below him. It felt amazing. Hoseok filled him out completely and immobilized his body, slim hands reaching up to scratch along the arms and express himself somehow as language had forsaken him. Unable to remain motionless he lifted his hips again and slid back down, scream erupting without his control.  
  
Hoseok’s hands tightened around his hips further as the other man waited patiently for him to slide down, moaning against his chest. His hips were lifted and Hoseok basically dropped him down, thrusting up in the process, hands pushing his body further against the muscular thighs. White filled out his vision, unaware of the sounds that his throat produced and the way his body moved. The pleasure was overwhelming, filling him out completely until the fingertips, suddenly aware of everything his body perceived just to numb it again and leave an almost painful emptiness, begging to return the white and the fire burning everything in its wake.

“Burn me to the ground, don’t make it stop,” Hyungwon moaned, head thrown back and not really holding himself in position, letting Hoseok move him as he desired and scratching over the other man’s skin in the process, unable to use anything else to show how affected he was, how much he loved every second of it.

_Your screams might be not enough to tell._

“Y-you set me ablaze and I want more of it.” He paused, scream leaving his lips at another burst of white behind his eyelids. “I need it.”  
  
It seemed as if his words worked, almost like gasoline poured into the open fire, setting everything ablaze, Hoseok’s muscles tensing around and under him, manhandling him, sharp teeth sinking into his chest and loud groans filling the acoustic space before the emptiness spread inside him instead of the thick warmth.  
  
Hoseok lifted him and stood up, turning Hyungwon around and pressing him against the tattoo table, chest leaning against the warm leather. The material was unpleasant against his skin, but he couldn’t care less, body screaming for the intense sensations to return and the other man to finally take his final breath away. His hands grabbed onto the edge of the table, knuckles turning white and he hissed at the cold air that surrounded him, goosebumps spreading everywhere that Hoseok’s warmth didn’t reach. The uncomfortable cold and emptiness didn’t last long as he felt the other man entering him again, leaning over, muscular, warm chest pressing against his back as he was filled out completely, the table being the only resistance.

He screamed again, hands sliding along the leather instead of holding on tightly, senses on fire from the sensation and body trembling with each movement of the other man’s body. The white sparks returned immediately, dancing in front of his inner eye and blurring everything else, senses focusing on Hoseok and the way he felt inside of him alone. He wanted the other man to move, to drive him mad and send pleasure through him, the way he always did and allowed Hyungwon to completely lose himself, mind gone.  
  
The other started moving, leaning back again and holding his hips with one hand, the other curling around his shoulder. The thrusts were rough but so incredibly precise, spreading liquid fire through his body. Hyungwon couldn’t do anything else but scream, hands desperately holding onto the leather and body desiring each thrust that hit it, hips pushing back as much as possible. He threw his head from side to side, unsure what to do with himself to bear the pleasure and the way it built in his groin, coil tightening with each thrust and reminding him that the beautiful man above him hadn’t touched his erection yet and could therefore easily evoke a dry orgasm in him, just a few more well-aimed hits perfectly sufficient to let the white sparks cover his whole vision, black tattoo table fading into nothing. He wanted it. He wanted it all.

 _It’s conscious, Hyungwon. You consciously want him to take your control, to let you drown in pleasure._  
  
Hoseok pulled out again, turning him such that he ended up lying on his back, his legs went over the broad, muscular shoulders before the other man entered him again, giving a little time to adjust before thrusting inside him once again, lifting his hips up in the process.    
  
“Fuck, you’re driving me mad. I’m not going to leave again, ever.”

Hyungwon shook his head desperately, unable to answer verbally except for the screams that left his lips with each thrust inside of him. He wanted Hoseok to know that he wanted him to stay, to remain with him forever and continue letting Hyungwon drive him mad, just like he drove him mad in return. He wanted it. All of it, consciously. He stretched out his fingers, curling them around the muscular arms that held his hips in place and burying his nails into the pale skin, pulling him closer and hoping that his bodily actions expressed his emotions sufficiently. Words were never enough either way, too bland to show what he really felt and wanted.  
  
Hoseok reduced the pace and established eye contact, licking his fingers slowly, playing with each digit, pierced tongue sliding along and curling around the fingertip.

_Shit._

Hyungwon closed his eyes as white took up his visual field, body convulsing at the sight mixed with the constant pleasure that soared through him and filled out his limbs. Nails scratched along the arms holding him and lips released a loud scream of the other man’s name before turning limp for a few seconds, coil remaining just as it always did, building up steadily again and torturing him into begging.

“Fuck, please, Hoseok.”  
  
“Please what?” The other continued the torture, rolling his hips slowly, twitching inside him on purpose. It was difficult to talk and the additional ministrations didn’t make it easier, screams leaving his lips instead of words and head thrown back and forth at the intensity. His eyes closed and his lower lip was sucked into his mouth as he buried his nails deeper into Hoseok’s skin to return some kind of feeling of time and his surrounding to his body, to be able to pronounce the words and beg for release.

“Please,” he forced out again, eyes remaining shut and each thrust covering his otherwise black vision with little white stars.  
  
“Please what, Hyungwon? Tell me.” The movements got even slower, but he could hear Hoseok’s heavy breathing, rough and shaky exhales alternating with the pressure of the fingers buried into his hips. The pressure reduced a little, bodily sensations reappearing such as the burning in his throat and the way Hoseok held his hips tightly, keeping them in place to leave the pace slow and agonizing. The speed was sufficient to have enough control to speak, eyes opening slowly and focusing on the other man and how fucking beautiful he looked above him, sweat drops running past his eyebrows and over his chest, skin a rose color instead of the usual porcelain. Hyungwon wanted to reach out and touch him more than the muscular arms but he couldn’t, body trembling at each well aimed movement despite the reduced speed.

“Please make me come,” he whispered finally, eyes remaining on the dark gaze of the other man and only fueling the coil in his groin, squeezing it as if it was in the palm of the Hoseok’s hand. The tongue left the last finger and he felt the wet digits curling around his erection, squeezing it and moving along, thrusts getting rougher and faster. Hoseok was moaning and rolling his eyes, biting down the red lips and sweat covered muscles glistened in the light before his vision turned black, stealing the mesmerizing sight away from him as the coil finally unravelled.

When his senses returned he couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his lips, previous realization still burning in the back of his head and screaming at him to be shared. He could feel how careful hands let a wet tissue move along his thighs, action sensual and intimate. Hyungwon opened his eyes and placed a kiss on the first bit of skin that he could reach before establishing eye contact.

“Something changed, Hoseok,” he whispered, excitement barely containtable with the way his fingers curled and uncurled repeatedly.  
  
“What?” The other man was touching his thighs and stomach so tenderly that Hyungwon almost forgot that he was cleaning up. He smiled brightly and curled his arms around the artist’s neck, not giving a shit that he probably disturbed his motions and the act of cleaning up.

“I’m not scared. At all. There is just this tingling and me consciously screaming at myself to beg you for more. It’s me and not just the scary voice in my head. I still can’t believe it. I can really let go around you without any premonitions or worries and fear. I’m so happy. Oh my god.” He gasped at the realization dawning again the longer he talked and the more words spilled from his lips, hands stroking over the beautiful hair and holding the other man tightly. “I love you so much.”  
  
Hoseok stared for a couple of seconds, getting rid of tissues in the process and pulling him into a hug, both of them still naked, warm skin feeling so soft against his.  
  
“It seems as if you’re really the blue moon. Thank you so much for trusting me, I love you, I love everything about you.” Hoseok breathed the last words, leaning back a little.

It felt surreal how the two of them were sitting in the middle of a barely lit tattoo studio at 4AM, embracing and fueling the sparking emotions that constantly remained between them, each gesture impossibly intimate and pure, calm and storm combining into a potent mixture that stole Hyungwon’s breath away. He pressed his head further into the warm chest and exhaled, fingers intertwining with the soft strands that slipped through his fingers like silk. He let his thumb rub over the blushed cheek and couldn’t believe how the hair still calmed him down, even though the resemblance to the sea and the beach was gone, taking the emotional connection Hyungwon had brought from his childhood. But he didn’t need it anymore. Hoseok had enough emotional streaks to himself that filled out Hyungwon’s whole being.

The mesmerizing brown color reminded him of the trees on his chest or the annual rings on his shoulder, a constant presence in his life, one that couldn’t be removed and remained permanent, just like a tattoo.  
  
Hoseok leaned back and stared at him for a few seconds, eyes taking in his facial features again, difficult to determine where exactly he was looking. After what could have been a minute or more the other smiled slowly, leaning closer towards him.

Without hesitating much he grabbed Hyungwon’s chin and lifted it up as he leaned down himself, placing a short kiss on his lips.

“You’re perfect.”

They were.

 

 

~The End~

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAOS has finally come to an end!
> 
> Smut_Hemingway and me would like to thank all of you who have been reading it so diligently and sending us your thoughts and comments, be it here on AO3 or over Twitter. We hope that you have enjoyed the ride and have taken something valuable from reading it, be it personal or factual. 
> 
> Furthermore we would like to thank our amazing beta reader @whatawonhoe who has invested a tremendous amount of time just to read through all this mass of writing. We love you bb!
> 
>  **ALSO:** For those of you who have been readers for along time, or maybe those who read one work and would love to have it on their bookshelf:  
>  As there have been a lot of requests we have finally created **hard-cover versions** of our books that we ship **worldwide.**  
>  For those of you who are interested, you can find all the information on our homepage: [HERE.](https://smutsis.com)  
> There is also a completely overworked version of Chaos available as an Ebook, so if you want to read it again, only better, then you can do it [HERE.](https://payhip.com/b/JA03)  
>  
> 
> Hit us up on Twitter  
> [@Hichanchen](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [@Smut_Hemingway](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)
> 
> THANK YOU!


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